WTF Bumper Oscars Special

Hallo Readers,

This is a bumper edition of WTF to mark the Oscars on Sunday, so It’s Got To Go has had to go but we need to discuss Tony Blair who, like the spider you push down the plughole but keeps popping its hairy little legs up through the gaps, just won’t go away. Since stepping down as Prime Minister in June 2007, Blair has been busy with various activities, all of them apparently with the sole purpose of swelling his bank accounts. He is on a number of Boards, he has written his memoirs (his revolting account of giving Cherie one on the night his predecessor as Labour Leader died remains etched into WTF’s memory), he has pounded the lecture circuit and for a while it seemed that he was set to become President of Europe. That this did not come to pass is fortunate because UKIP would have attracted millions of voters overnight with Nigel Farage carried shoulder high into Number 10 by cheering supporters. Blair is also, laughably, the Middle East Peace Envoy which in view of his record of warmongering against Afghanistan and Iraq is like asking Putin to head up Ukraine’s Independence campaign. To date there is no evidence of tangible or indeed any success and his chances seem to have been hampered yet further by his suggestion in January of this year that the military coup against the elected government of Egypt was a good thing for democracy.

Now it emerges that Blair has also been keeping his hand in with the Murdoch harem. First we had Wendi Deng, the third ex-Mrs Murdoch, waxing lyrical in her diary about his beautiful eyes, his long legs and his firm butt. Previously WTF had thought of Blair’s butt only in terms of kicking it into prison for war crimes but Wendi seems to have envisaged something different. Then we had Rebekah Brooks, former editor of the defunct and disgraced News of the World, giving evidence to the Old Bailey that Blair had phoned her in 2011 to offer support when it all went tits up. One would have thought that an offer of assistance from Blair would be about as welcome as a turd in a punchbowl but Rebekah apparently derived great comfort from it. Given that she had transferred her political affections to Call Me Dave, her near neighbour in leafy Oxfordshire, Tony’s attentions seem shameless but not as shameless as his insistence once the story had broken that he had known nothing of the details and was just offering “general advice”. But then what else do we expect of the little slimeball?

To the Oscars. The actual Red Carpet proved a bit of a disappointment because most played it safe. No minge moments, no bare bums, no heaving cleavage. Dresses had linings and sewn-up seams. But there were a few shockers and the After-Parties were awash with horror. Read on and see if you agree with WTF’s selection.

Let us begin with ghastly and pointless posh totty Lady Victoria Hervey who is still invited everywhere for reasons unknown and unfathomable.

Amazingly, m’Lady is not flashing her minge and she is not even the worst dressed of the night. She just looks awful. WTF also deplores the tightly-pulled-back ponytail, known in the UK as the Croydon facelift.

This is model Karolina Kurkova wearing Elie Saab.

Elie Saab! Shame on you. As for Katerina, she resembles an undernourished gymslip bride…..

Next up we have Anna Kendrick wearing J Mendel.

That pose! WTF hates that pose almost above all things, like a waxwork with a wonky leg. As for the dress, Anna might have got away with one of (i) the strappy shoulder stuff (ii) the red and black mesh waist or (iii) the knee split. But not all of them.

Here is model and professional wronged wife, Liberty Ross.

The poor thing looks ill and half starved. She is also wrapped tight like a Maypole on Mayday. Shocking.

Last year Anne Hathaway abandoned her chosen Valentino frock for an ill-judged and ill-fitting pink Prada frock. This year, she chose Gucci and it was no better.

She is wearing a disco ball breastplate. One understands that after Nipplegate 2013 she wanted to cover them up this year but still…..

Now we have top tennis player Serena Williams wearing WTF’s new bugbear Michael Costello.

This is basically a worse version of Beyoncé’s Grammys dress by the same designer and it is as nasty as can be, especially when you catch a side view.

Yurgle. Serena’s physique is admirable but this does not flatter her although, that said, it is hard to see who would be flattered by a dress featuring both under-arse and thighs flashing through white flora.

More arse-flashing from model Karlie Kloss. From the front she looks almost respectable.

But not from the back…..

Visible arse = horrible. Fact.

No Red Carpet would be complete without Pharrell Williams looking like a twat. Here he is wearing Lanvin and accompanied by his wife Helen Lasichanh. 

The good news is that he has stopped rolling up his trousers. The bad news is that there are no trousers to roll up because he has now switched to shorts like a boy scout in a tuxedo. Dib dib dib…. 

Our next fashion victim is  Diane Kruger wearing Valentino Couture.

How much does WTF hate this floaty concoction? It puts onlookers in fear of an imminent Minge Moment like a lacy version of Salome doing the Dance of the Seven Veils. 

Here is a newcomer to these pages, actress Mamie Gummer. The designer remains unknown, which is a stroke of luck for him or her.

What the buggery bollocks is going on here? This is one ugly dress. Mamie is 30 and yet looks considerably older than her mother Meryl Streep who scrubbed up very nicely in Lanvin for the same event. Even Morticia would give the nostril to oxblood lace trimmed with black and sea-green offcuts but it is a tribute to Mamie’s thespian talents that she still produced such a lovely smile.

Now we get über-trashy with former Spice Girl Mel B wearing Walter Mendez.

Mel has long come to be synonymous with the expression “rough as a bear’s arse” and this is why. The Minge Mask is revolting and she doesn’t appear to have any feet but particular opprobrium is reserved for the mounds of plastic purporting to be tits – like a Barbie doll and equally as shiny.

This next one is bad. I refer to model Jessica White wearing Nicholas Jebran.

WTF had no idea that Disney was remaking a X-rated version of Snow White meets Aladdin in the Harem with Jessica as the Wicked Queen. Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s Off to Work We Go…..

We now come upon another newcomer to these pages, former Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir.

Johnny was on US TV giving a running critique on other people’s outfits despite being dressed as the Ice Fairy in a white leather ensemble and sparkly slippers. He looks entirely preposterous and his hair puts WTF in mind of a Guardsman’s Busby.

It gets worse with Whoopi Goldberg. Or should that should Whoops?

She looks like a docker in drag. At first sight, WTF hoped that this was in jocular homage to Julia Roberts’ Dolce & Gabbana outfit at the Golden Globes but this has sailed past Pisstake and docked in Deranged, not least because of the striped socks and I’m-Dorothy-come-here-Toto shoes.

And finally, we have Liza Minnelli wearing vintage Halston.

OMG, OMG, OMG. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman over a certain age must be in need of a bra and in Liza’s case that was about 25 years ago. This may have looked OK in Studio 54 in 1978 when everyone was off their face on drugs but that was then and this is now. WTF’s friend Alison points out that it is the Red Carpet version of the leisure wear people don to go to shopping centres. Questions also have to be asked about the face, the blue streak in the hair and the orthopaedic shoes.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming (last week was a BIG disappointment and you know how WTF gets upset when she thinks you don’t love her any more) as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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8 Responses to WTF Bumper Oscars Special

  1. As usual the political comment is mean as hell but well deserved. As for the clothes, Liza Minnelli wins with the most depressing attire.

  2. Whoopi Goldberg not only looks like one third Dorothy (as noted), but also a further third Meatloaf (the flouncy shirt), and a final third Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells from Blackadder.

  3. “turd in a punchbowl” Brilliant. ahahahahahahahaha!

  4. Alessandra says:

    Why, why, why… Whoopi!!!

  5. Anna says:

    Mamie Gummer’s dress looks like a costume from Sweeney Todd. Or alternatively the sort of thing Helena Bonham Carter wears every day, but somehow pulls off. However, I am currently more exercised by the fact that Diane Kruger is so gorgeous she somehow gets away with a “dress” that is essentially a transparent mantilla over her underwear. WHY?????

  6. I’m not certain if the Raggedy Ann dolls made it to England, but Whoopi Goldberg is wearing her stockings and shoes.

  7. SKJ – I am a human rights lawyer and writer based in London, but I travel, work and write extensively all over the world. I have chosen to stay anonymous only for the sake of my clients, at least for now.
    SKJ says:

    “Previously WTF had thought of Blair’s butt only in terms of kicking it into prison for war crimes but Wendi seems to have envisaged something different.” And, then, sometime later… “Visible arse = horrible. Fact.” Genius, WTF. A BUMper edition indeed.

  8. Worth waiting til Saturday to enjoy every word, every eye-injuring dress. Blair is the probably most disappointing and most low grade filthy rich many of our times – who would have thought it that day he walked from Downing Street to Westminster the fresh-faced new Prime Minister promising to cherish the Brits, but oh so quickly scampered onto the much more glamorous, more lucrative world stage?

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