The nice thing about being British is that you can always complain about the weather. Over the past few years, we have been banging on about the cold, wet summers as we turned into a Troglodyte Nation deprived of sunshine and joie de vivre. The Queen’s Jubilee River Pageant gave Noah a run for his money. Sporting fixtures bit the dust, BBQs and garden parties bit the dust, tempers bit the dust and everyone was just profoundly miserable. Then, without warning, July 2013 got tropical and now we are all moaning about that. A simple stroll down the road to pick up a paper and you look like Ryan Lochte, dripping wet with your hair stuck to your head and your face as shiny as a new penny. The trains promptly go on the blink because the rails go all funny and the tarmac melts on the motorways with punters stuck in a 30 mile traffic jam, weak with dehydration and playing spontaneous games of football with other stranded motorists like Christmas Day in the trenches in 1914. As for London Underground, unlike livestock there are no rules about the maximum temperature for transporting people and passengers cook slowly like kleftiko. The only good thing about this weather is that all the reporters and camera crews waiting for HRH Foetus and blocking up the streets outside the Lindo Wing will probably get sunstroke.
Meanwhile, the number of ghastly sights on public thoroughfares is positively traumatising. When did people stop wearing clothes? No wonder the NHS is in the shit; A&E departments must be run off their feet just coping with the PTSD patients recovering from seeing bare-chested men in manky shorts and mankier trainers or women stripping down to their bra and thongs in the park or bouncing about displaying more flesh than a pole-dancers’ party. There again, maybe WTF is just getting on a bit. Raging on about people’s (lack of) clothing is what your dad used to do (well, WTF’s dad certainly did amongst everything else he raged about, which was most things really). WTF will have to add clothes-rage to the indicia of how to tell you are turning into your dad, along with her fully patented 3-stage music test, which goes as follows:
1. You start by saying “there’s no tune”;
2. You progress onto “I can’t hear the words”;
3. And finally you utter the immortal words “it’s too loud”.
And then you know you’re fucked. Even if you are actually right about all of the above.
Let us turn to this week’s revolting fashion disasters. WTF has been aghast at the number of celebs who have seen fit to dispense with standard items of clothing like trousers or a skirt, like Rihanna going shopping in Monaco.
It’s a peekaboo leotard. It would not even be acceptable on Beth Tweddle prancing about on the Uneven Bars but at least Beth would not be out and about buying whatever it is that Rihanna was out and about buying. Where is the rest of the outfit?
WTF owes her Readers an apology. A few weeks ago, she said that these Ashish jeans (on Miley Cyrus) were the worst jeans that she had ever seen.
But she was wrong. THESE Ashish jeans, worn by WTF regular Rita Ora, are the worst jeans she has ever seen.
They’re vile. End of. And Rita is another one who spent the whole of last week in a bikini top and called it getting dressed. Plus there is something very phallic about that microphone. Just saying….
And now we have a newcomer to these pages. Say hallo to Liam Gallagher.
This outfit does not scream rock star. It screams “prat”. Liam is alleged to have had some domestic difficulties of late, but that is no excuse for wearing this terrible animal-print top. And those shoes are like something your dad wears at weekends to give his corns a rest. WTF is also forced to mention that Liam’s open mouth suggests that there is a village somewhere missing an idiot.
Ah! Sharon Stone. Again.
Now the good news is that Sharon is covered up, which is quite unusual for her, as there is usually something hanging out somewhere. Also she is not parading about showing her bra. The bad news is that she isn’t wearing a bra to parade, exposing Parisians to her very perky-looking nipples under a puce top worn with green embroidered silk trewsies and brown leather flip-flops. Just plain nasty. Sharon is advised to pop down to Galeries Lafayette and buy herself a soutien-gorge at the earliest opportunity.
This is LA Lakers Star Nick Young at the ESPYs Sports Awards.
WTF has never seen the point of basketball which is essentially netball for tall people. As for Nick, he is wearing a shorts suit. Thom Browne has a lot to answer for. And not just a shorts suit but a BOTTLE GREEN shorts suit. Worn with a Versace-looking trashy tee-shirt, a gold chain like a piece of rope and GOLD STUDDED loafers. OMG. WTF is going to have to lie down a moment and recover her composure.
Welcome back Catherine Zeta Jones who is wearing Michael Kors at the premiere of Red 2.
CZJ is good looking by any standards but this attire is doing her absolutely no favours. What is occurring around the neck department? This woman is being strangled by her own dress. Is it called The Charles Saatchi? You could wear it out to dinner with Britain’s favourite uxorious millionaire and he could get on with his chain-smoking whilst you slowly choked in your haute couture. Not that it is very haute. The slit is too high and the centre panel looks like iron filings on a magnet. Love the lippie, though, and the sandals.
How’s this for a smooth segue? In 1992, these two starred in Damage, a movie based on a novel by Josephine Hart, who was married to Charles’ brother Maurice until her death in 2011. Unlike The Daily Mail, which always expresses surprise that people (especially women) do not look the same as they did two decades ago, WTF is not interested in remarking upon their faces but upon their clothes. Juliette’s onesie makes her look like a sack of potatoes and there is a lot of surplusage around the crotch area. As for Jeremy, the combo of tunic, combat trousers and boots makes him look like a member of some South American death squad.
And now for one of WTF’s favourite Z listers, German strumpet Micaela Schaefer, a woman who almost makes Courtney Stodden look classy.
Micaela’s twitter profile describes her as “a sexy German showgirl who loves to enjoy the life”. What sort of life is unspecified. Meanwhile, WTF is only glad that Micaela was nowhere in the vicinity of Liam Gallagher when she put on this revolting excuse for clothes. There is nothing to be said in favour of whatever the hell she is nearly wearing or her preposterous décolletage and artfully-arranged nip-slip. However, being battle-hardened where fake titties are concerned, WTF’s main gripe is the combo of leopard-skin and sparkly silver peep-toe sandals. And so we end where we began, with another silly, fame-hungry woman wearing not much to get her picture taken. Sigh….
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Get busy with the comments (you’ve been a tad reticent of late) and we shall meet again next Friday. Be good. x