wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

Tomorrow is the 250th birthday of the United States of America and celebrations will be abundant. Celebrations of the Rancid Kumquat, that is, who intends to address the crowd in Washington DC in what he has worryingly described as “a really long speech”. The East Coast is experiencing a biblical heat wave with temperatures set to soar above 40 degrees centigrade and WTF, and many others, is hoping that the Rancid Kumquat keels over halfway through his interminable, mendacious ramblings. Word has it that he is concerned that the weather may prompt people to stay away, because there are few things that the Rancid Kumquat hates more than an empty seat. His former devotee, Marjorie Taylor Greene, once blamed the California wildfires on Jewish space lasers. As rising temperatures cannot be attributed to climate change, given that MAGA says this is a hoax, it will end up being caused by Barack Hussein Obama and Joe Biden, egged on by George Soros. You heard it here first.

To be frank, such is the current state of the United States, that there seems to be very little to celebrate. 250 years on, the former colonies have managed to swap one deranged monarch for another. George 111 is said to have passed bluish-black urine, variously attributed to Porphyria or to over-prescription of gentian violet-based medications. The Rancid Kumquat has a bright orange face and is also rumoured to suffer difficulties in his nether regions. George 111 is thought to have suffered from severe bipolar disorder. The Rancid Kumquat is publicly descending into dementia, his behaviour so erratic that were he your granddad, God forbid, you would be on the phone to the local assisted living facility, stressing the urgency of an immediate admission. George 111 fathered 15 children by his wife, and those sons who survived were notorious for their profligacy, scandalous affairs and debts. The Rancid Kumquat has fathered five children by three different wives, and his two eldest sons, following in the his footsteps, are setting new standards for idiocy, nepotism and corruption. As Monarch, George 111 was immensely rich. The Rancid Kumquat was fairly rich to start with, having inherited a lot of money from his horrible, racist dad, but since assuming office for the second time, he has hit the jackpot. His financial disclosure shows that he made billions in 2025. He made $526 million in crypto tokens tied to a dodgy company called World Liberty Financial (run by the son of his Special Envoy, fellow property developer Steve Witless). He earned $635 million through the sale of celebration coins, $77 million from his tacky club in Florida and $4.7 million in royalties for Trump Watches. Oh, and he was given a $400 million aeroplane by a sheikh; the United States paid for its restoration and security-proofing, but it will end up being his to take away at the end of his Presidency, if, that is, it ever does end. He and his family have also acquired shares in companies which, by sheer coincidence, rose sharply in value shortly afterwards as a result of programmes announced by the administration. Not to mention the settlements of bogus law suits and the selling of Presidential pardons. And let us not forget his fragrant wife Melanoma, who has herself raked in a fortune from various crypto ventures and who was paid $40 million by Amazon for her co-operation in a movie about herself which absolutely nobody watched. And the worst of it? Hardly anybody seems to give a fuck. Corruption reigns in plain sight.

Meanwhile, the three equal branches of government – the Legislature, the Executive branch and the Judiciary – are becoming rapidly more unequal as the Executive pretty much does what it wants, riding roughshod over a supine Congress and a Supreme Court stuffed with political and religious toadies willing to trash the Constitution on demand.  Do not forget that it was the Supreme Court that handed the Rancid Kumquat absolute immunity for acts done as President. Remember that Congress has allowed him to go to war without its approval. Witness how the risibly-entitled Department of Justice has become the Department of Political Persecution, run by his former attorney, and chock full of zealots and shysters. And note that the Founding Fathers saw America as a place of religious freedom, making specific provision that Congress should not establish any religion or forbid the practise of any religion; 250 years later, religious bigots are criminalising women for having abortions and doctors for treating them, threatening to dismantle same-sex marriage and forcing children in schools to read the Bible as part of the curriculum.

 Happy birthday, the United States of America. And good luck. You are going to need it.

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We start our review of the week’s crapulous clothing with Instagram “star”  Zara Davis (314,000 followers), wearing not enough.

Yikes. Why do women want to walk around looking like this? A chest like an Idaho mountain range on a misty morning, ripped cycle shorts  and stupid boots, with a matching dolly’s bag. Just. Go. Away.

Next, actor Milly Bobby Brown launching her new series, Enola Holmes 3, wearing Mirror Palais.

As you know, WTF is loathe to criticise anyone, but this falls squarely into the category of “that’s not even clothes”. The attire retails for more than £1,000; she could have gone to Marks and Spencer and got the same for a fraction of the price.

We are in Paris at Fashion Week with Swedish singer Loreen attending the Vêtements show.

No, this is not Mick Jagger in drag, although you could be forgiven for thinking so. Be that as it may, Loreen has a fabulous figure and buckets of attitude. Plus, admittedly, Paris was like a sauna last week. BUT…

WTF gets that she needed ventilation. However, there is ventilation and there is minge. What happened to the rest of the nightgown? 

Now to the Black Entertainment Television (BET) Awards where we encounter celebritee and former winner of Love Island USA, Olandria Carthen, wearing Teophilio.

How does it even stay up? And why is it up in the first place? Those tits are wholly improbable and the illusion panel is fooling no one. The whole effect is of a jug of pouring custard…. 

Also there was singer Doechii, wearing DSquared2.

And there is arse cleavage….. If a macramé hanging basket flashed its arse cleavage, this is what it would look like. 

Here is actor Shaun Ross, wearing Annakiki.

This is the lovechild of a monk’s habit and a shiny slanket. He looks like a knob and you can tell by his expression that he knows that he does. Knob.

Finally, meet rapper, Swae Lee. Who knows how to characterise this getup?

He is wearing a denim miniskirt, threatening us with imminent penis peek, and what appears to be the bottom half of a pair of leather trousers. What has happened to the top half? Is it with the bottom half of Loreen’s nighty? It evokes that David Copperfield magic trick where half his legs disappear, leaving only his sandals on the sand….

This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington, who is up in arms at the ludicrous new shoe collection from Christian Louboutin. It is designed by one of WTF’s bugbears, nepo-nerd Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith and Jada Plunkett-Smith (who is another one of WTF’s bugbears). Anyway, get a load of this pair… 

Yes, you too can walk around in a pair of lion’s feet. The blurb accompanying this range is enough to make you lose your lunch.  Ready? “Maison Christian Louboutin unveils the Men’s Spring/Summer 2027 collection through an immersive presentation conceived as a passage into a red kingdom, an imagined civilization. A journey through the ruins of a fictional kingdom, the presentation explores humanity’s enduring fascination with what remains after civilizations fade, inviting visitors into a world where memory, imagination, and possibility converge” To which the only adequate reply is, fuck off, you ridiculous pseud. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go, and do not stint on the comments either. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x