One could write about the furore surrounding Prince Harry’s book in just three words. Make. It. Stop. If only. Every day, our royal hero pops up on some chat show or interview, turgidly regurgitating his many grievances against his father, his stepmother, his brother, his sister-in-law, courtiers various, the press, the army… It is a wonder that the Good Lord himself has escaped censure. But maybe that is for the next book or Oprah interview. Or the one after that.
The book’s title, Spare, reflects the root of the problem. Being a monarch is not susceptible to a job share arrangement. You cannot have William from Monday to Thursday and Harry from Friday to Sunday. WTF’s grandmother was wont to quote the old Yiddish expression – ‘Mit eyn por fis ken men nit tantsn af tsvey khasenes’ which roughly translates ‘as you can’t dance with one backside at two weddings’. Similarly, you cannot have two heads with one crown. Or, for that matter, two backsides on one throne. Someone has to do the job. And it isn’t him.
WTF was not always unsympathetic to Harry and Meghan. The Royal Family is old-fashioned, hamstrung by pointless conventions, and dull as ditchwater. When the Almighty was handing out brains to them, he obviously skimped on the rations. And WTF has no doubt that the tabloid press behaved with its usual rapacious cynicism and innate racism in the coverage meted out to the young couple. If, as a result, they wanted to go off to the US and walk away from royal duties and intrusive publicity, fair enough. However, frankly, you must either piss or get off the pot. You can be royal. Or you can be private. But once again, ‘Mit eyn por fis ken men nit tantsn af tsvey khasenes’. Either you are a mighty warrior wiping out the Taliban or you are a wimp bleating on about the fact that your brother shoved you in the course of an argument. And what you cannot do is to throw buckets of ordure over your family in public, with a double side order of whinge, and then bemoan the rift between you and them and their reluctance to kiss and make up. It is all about choices and tactics. And Harry’s choices are poor.
We are told Harry is using his Californian Gwyenth-Paltrow-Goop-style therapy techniques as a catharsis. WTF would be more impressed with this explanation were he not making gazillions in the process. The trouble with washing your dirty linen in public for cash is that once people have seen your smalls, they tend to view you somewhat differently. And once you have dished the dirt in extenso, there is very little left to give the public next time, and even less appetite for them to hear it. WTF wishes the young couple well. They will clearly have enough to live on in great comfort and they can devote themselves to restoring their mental and physical well-being and spending time with their children. But for Heaven’s sake, give it a rest. Enough already. As Clement Atlee once remarked to a colleague, ‘a period of silence on your part would be welcome’. Amen to that.
We start our review of the week’s sartorial sludge with Love Island America contestant Deborah Chubb, wearing something unspeakable.
This is excessively, nay, disturbingly, labial. And it is also horrible and ill-fitting with a very real risk of an immediate nipple outage. WTF is sad to say that Deb looks like like a blowup sex doll in sandals, and she also wishes to enquire as to the provenance of Deb’s hair, which appears to have started life on somebody or on something else.
Next, our old friend, singer Rita Ora, is back. Here she is at at an Elvis Birthday party (yes, I know he’s dead) before the Golden Globes Awards in LA.
Sigh. By the way, when was the last time that Rita actually sang? She is far too busy these days running around the place with her bits and bobs on show, and it is getting dreary. Next!
So here we are at the actual Golden Globes where we find actor Eddie Redmayne wearing Valentino.
WTF could have lived with the giant corsage on Eddie’s lapel, which is just silly, but she is having much more difficulty with the ridiculous trousers which have concertina’ed around his ankles and which gape like a couple of fishes’ mouths.
This is actor Emma D’Arcy of House of the Dragon fame wearing Acne Studios.
This is a bit of everything – trousers, skirt, twinkly bootees, a jacket originally designed for a massive fatso and purple gloves. WTF can only conclude that Emma came straight from rehearsals for The Smurfs in which she plays Gargamel.
Seriously? If the doorman of a swanky hotel in Dubai nicked a guest’s tuxedo, this is what he would look like.
And now we have TV presenter and former model Heidi Klum wearing Kevin Germanier.
This is bad, even for Heidi. WTF has long protested at a one-sleeved top or one-legged trouser on a person with a standard-issue number of limbs. Now we have a single boob-cover on a two-boobed person, albeit hidden behind a feather boa last seen at one of Jay Gatsby’s parties, coupled with an imminent Minge Moment. There may be times when dressing like a nightclub floozy is OK, but the Golden Globes Read Carpet is emphatically not one of them.
And finally, we leave the Golden Globes and travel to Arkansas, the land that time forgot, where a familiar face awaits us. Yes, it is Sarah Huckabee Sanders, formerly Donald Trump’s Press Secretary (read bare-faced liar) and now, Heaven help us, the newly installed Governor of that State. Here she is just last month, wearing something truly, truly, terrible. WTF is indebted to aficionado K. Thomas, living out in the American North-West, who alerted her to this horror show.
Oh mah Lord. Sarah’s first proclamation on taking power this week was to ban the word Latinx, a gender-neutral term for those of Latin descent. Her second proclamation should be to ban herself from appearing in public dressed as an extra from Annie Get Your Gun. And those knees need to be kept covered….
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Sue Peters, who has discovered these execrable men’s pants available on Amazon. Brace yourselves, because this is B.A.D.
The words toxic masculinity made flesh. Andrew Tate, these are your wet dream. Sue claims that she came across these purely by chance when shopping. Hmmm, if you say so sweetie. Anyway one thing is clear. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Get those comments coming in and make WTF smile. As for your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go, it is a pleasure to receive them. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x