How are your holiday plans coming along? Has all that lockdown baking and sourdough starters had a drastic effect on the fit of your summer wardrobe? Are those strappy little tops displaying arms like hocks of ham? Are the budgie-smugglers showing a tummy the size of a Saxon burial mound? WTF can see that these are important matters as you face the prospect of exposing yourself to the gaze of your fellow sun-seekers, but she has three questions for you which are of much more importance. First, do you actually understand the rules about where you can go and where you cannot? Second, do you even care? And third, why on earth do you want to go at all?
On the first point, the Government has maintained its dizzying standard of ineptitude with Ministers issuing messages which make no sense and which contradict each other. We know that we can visit Green-list countries without having to quarantine on our arrival home (unless you are Welsh, in which case you can only travel if your trip is ‘essential’). Of course, many of the Green-list countries are deemed safe because they are not actually letting anyone in, like Australia and New Zealand; some are in the middle of the freezing South Atlantic and are cold, wintry and boring; others will make you quarantine when you get there like Singapore (which is also boiling hot with a zillion per cent humidity); and Israel may not be wholly attractive to tourists unless they fancy risking bits blown off them as they rush to the air raid shelters. (Yes there is a cease fire, but for how long?). That leaves Iceland, Portugal and Gibraltar, which may be a touch crowded as a result. But what about the Amber list? Should you go or should you stay? Are they OK to visit as long as you quarantine at home after you return? The answer depends upon which Government Minister is wheeled out on media duty. On Wednesday Boris Johnson told Keir Starmer that the policy was perfectly clear. Er, no it is not. Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking would struggle to comprehend it.
On the second point, it is abundantly clear that many people do not give a monkey’s about whether they can or should go. They are going! They would crawl over broken glass to go. So what if they bring back something that could see off their neighbours or their colleagues? What do we want, a suntan! When do we want it, now! Because everyone has the unalienable right to infect anyone else in order to have two weeks by the pool, some badly-cooked kebabs and lots of cheap booze.
On the third point, why would you want to go at all? On Monday, when some form of semi-demi-normality returned, the airports were packed to the rafters with travellers barely inches from each other as they probably spent more time in a check-in queue and then a passport queue than on the flight to Faro. What insanity is this? How can it possibly be a price worth paying? How can you be sure that whatever the bloke ahead of you in the queue, the one whose suitcase keeps clipping your anklebone, is suffering from will not hit you within days of your arrival at the hotel of your dreams? Or that the bartender has not got who knows which strain of the virus as he pours you a cocktail? Are you all completely mad?
We start our review of the week’s fashion fiascos with Stylist of the Year Law Roach wearing GmbH at the première of Cruella in Los Angeles.
It is May in Los Angeles and Law is wrapped in an off-the-shoulder fur coat showcasing his tattoos and looking like a particularly mangy lion in stiletto boots.
Next up, we have model Demi Rose Mawby, wearing her own range for Pretty Little Thing. Brace yourselves.
Demi is giving us oodles of under-boob falling out of a giant tit window. The bodice only reinforces the impression that she has a pair of twins asleep on her chest with matching bonnets. And that thing dangling down is horribly reminiscent of a tampon string.
Here is singer Katy Perry on the set of American Idol wearing Tomas Maticevski.
Katy is giving up the pop stuff and having a shot at grand opera, kicking off with Madame Butterfly. Memo to Katy – I know you have had a baby recently, but those trousers seems to presage a bad case of Call for the Canesten.
The rest of the blog is from the MTV Movie & TV Awards in Los Angeles, starting with actor Chase Stokes (Outer Banks) wearing Fendi.
WTF is an equal opportunities abuser. She hates sheer on women and she also hates it on men. And that is A LOT of red. Chase looks like an elongated red pepper in fancy trainers.
This is actress Addison Rae wearing Christopher Esper.
The jacket and palazzo pants are lovely, as is she, but WTF deplores a tit bandage almost above all things. It is as if someone had taken her chest hostage. And why is she wearing a tiara around her waist?
Now we have actress Victoria Pedretti (You), wearing Louis Vuitton.
WTF has not got the faintest idea what this is supposed to be, but whatever it is, it is frightful. If Victoria were a new show, it would be called Aladdin gets ripped off in Paris.
This person is influencer and beauty vlogger Bretman Rock, who won the award for Social Breakthrough Star. He is wearing a jacket by Materiel, trousers by Mia Vesper and Rick Owens boots.
Here is the good news. His hair is lovely and he has the sweetest face. The bad news. Everything else is dismal, but special minus points for the ridiculous shoes with blue perspex heels which look like a couple of plug in air fresheners.
And finally, here is actress Madison Bailey (Outer Banks) wearing Versace.
Do you remember those Yoyo dolls you used to make at school using circles of leftover scraps of fabric? It seems that Versace remembered them as well…….
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh who saw this tweet from FiJustFi (@bitchystichy). HERE IS A WARNING !!!. THIS IS BAD!!!!!
Pussy hair on your pussy. Moggy fur on your minge. There goes your breakfast. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Let us meet again next Friday. And keep those splendid suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your top comments. Be good x.