When WTF was at about ten, she used to ensure that she sat next to a boy called Andrew B whenever baked beans were on the school lunch menu. This is because WTF hated baked beans with a vengeance, (and she still does – they’re so slithery). Andrew B, on the other hand, loved baked beans, and, to be fair, every other form of comestible, and so he wolfed down the aforesaid beans and everyone was happy. Until one day, Andrew B was unwell, probably from a surfeit of foodstuffs, and so he was off school on baked beans day, which left WTF without a convenient receptacle to put them in. As a result, they remained uneaten on her plate. WTF was told to eat them up. She refused (always the bolshy little bastard, even aged ten) and she was kept at the lunch table until 2 30 and refused permission to go and play with her friends. But the beans remained uneaten and, for once anyway, she went hungry.
Mrs Maybe’s Brexit plan reminds WTF of those school baked beans. She promised to deliver us fish and chips, mushy peas optional. Instead, she is serving up spam fritters and baked beans. Not only that, but she is telling us that spam fritters and baked beans are much better for us that fish and chips, that we will really, really, love spam fritters and baked beans, that fish and chips are off the menu, and that it is spam fritters and baked beans or nothing at all. At first, people held out for fish and chips. But as time ticked by, and hunger started to gnaw at their entrails, spam fritters and baked beans become more appealing, even to those who cannot abide the thought of them. The clock hands are edging ever closer to 2 30 and the prospect of no lunch gets worse and worse. And so, a few people are starting gingerly to fork tiny bits of spam fritter and baked beans into their mouths, wincing with distaste to be sure, but swallowing them nonetheless, because they feel that they have no choice. The plan is now that enough people will be hungry enough and desperate enough by the next vote to go down the spam fritters and baked beans route rather than the air diet route. As a strategy, it sucks. But it is all she’s got. She is wholly dependent on running down the clock.
Mrs Maybe chose to supplement this you’ll-eat-it-and-like-it approach with a side order of it-isn’t-my-fault-it’s-Parliament’s-fault. On Wednesday, she appeared for about eight nanoseconds on live TV and told the British people that she was trying her best to deliver spam fritters and baked beans but those bloody MPs in Westminster were busy barricading the door to the larder. WTF had always understood that the whole point of this sorry Brexit exercise was to give power back to Parliament, instead of sneaky little unelected Europhiles calling the shots. Now it appears that Parliament’s exercise of powers is a Bad Thing. So what the hell have these last three years been about? Thanks, David Cameron. Thanks for nothing.
We start the review of the week’s wanky wear with singer and Oscar nominee, Lady Gaga, wearing Rodarte.
Blonde bombshell meets biker girl meets French maid. Ooh la la…
Now we have actress Alex Borstein from The Magnificent Mrs Maisel, wearing something very terrible.
From the neck up, it’s fine. From the neck down, there is horror in abundance. The shirt is straight out of a Victorian bordello, the trousers do not flatter and have clearly been designed for someone about a foot taller, while the chain belt takes WTF back to the days when she was a teenager and was banned from the dining room at home because her dad was enraged with the scratches inflicted on the backs of the Mahogany chairs by WTF wearing one around her chubby waist.
The rest of our sartorial silliness comes from the i-Heart Radio awards, starting with singer John Legend, wearing Paul Smith.
Those trousers are decidedly snug. They must rub harder than an enthusiastic brass-rubber on a sponsored brass-rubbing weekend. And WTF has long railed about too-short jackets à la Norman Wisdom. Even Norman did not wear white shoes, and quite rightly so, because no grown man should wear white shoes unless he is either playing sport or is a medical professional.
Next up is singer and actress Madison Beer, wearing Ester Abner.
MINGE ALERT! This is a Minge Moment waiting to happen and the bajingo blind is patently not up the job. It has been very windy of late. One gust and it will be Open Sesame. There is also a preponderance of over-upholstered tit.
Meet actor Raahsud Dunn, wearing Giovanni Testi.
WTF likes a laugh as well as the next person but the jacket does not fit and its swirliness is giving her the spins. But the main concern here is the trousers. Why is one leg higher than the other? Is he a freemason? Love the sparkling slippers though……
And now, superstar singer Taylor Swift, wearing Rosa Bloom.
Taylor looks like a member of the chorus line in a revival of 42nd Street.
Here is singer Poppy, wearing Viktor and Rolf.
If Ozzie Osbourne ever fancied wearing a frilly nightie, this is the one he would go for. As for the trainers, WTF prefers not to speak of them. Meanwhile, Poppy’s head, complete with a turd top-knot, looks to be superimposed on her body, as if displayed on a spike after an execution, like in Game of Thrones.
Finally, singer Tiffany Young wearing Jean Paul Gauthier.
If Tinkerbell went to a fancy dress party dressed as one of The Three Musketeers, this is what she would look like. Those things on her legs are amongst the worst legwear WTF ever did see in her life And she has seen a few stinkers over the years…
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Abbie Doran from East London, making a splendid debut with these monstrosities from the ‘swimwear collection’ offered up for public delectation by Missguided. Ready? You won’t be.
Abby writes: If these catch on, there’ll be a thrush pandemic that could cause Canesten to go into administration to keep up with the demand for some clotrimazole relief! They look genuinely painful…
She is right. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x