Hallo Readers 

Happy Birthday to me. In May 2012, WTF hit the Internet with a little fashion blog which has developed into a bigger fashion blog and a political rant to go with it. And it is still going strong in 2016 with a large number of loyal Readers across the world. You are all very warped people with a twisted sense of humour and WTF loves you all. Please tell your friends and your family and your acquaintance and any other bugger you may encounter and let us celebrate next year together even bigger and better than ever.

And now, let us consider the Tory London Mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith MP. Counting for this august contest will not begin until this morning and it looks as if the winner will be Labour’s Sadiq Khan MP. WTF hopes that this is the case because Goldsmith’s campaign has been an absolute disgrace.

Neither candidate oozes charisma but Khan is fundamentally a decent man. And of course it is not Goldsmith’s fault that his father, James Goldsmith, was a 24-carat-gold-plated-shit. Or that he is richer than Croesus with a trust fund worth £300m. But it is his fault that he employed the services of Lynton Crosby’s firm. Crosby is the loathsome political thug shipped over from Australia to win the election for Cameron. Crosby makes Malcolm Tucker look like Mother Theresa. It is his fault that he wrote to any Londoner with a Hindu or Sikh name, expressing his support for “family-run businesses” and suggesting that Khan, a Muslim, would impose a tax on gold jewellery. It is his fault that he attacked Khan for giving “platform, oxygen and cover” to Islamic extremists and for being “divisive.” (Singling out Hindus and Sikhs and suggesting that a terrorist sympathiser would close down their corner shops and snaffle their family jewellery is not divisive.  Not even at all). What London really needs at the moment is heightened racial and religious tension. Well done Zac. Way to go……

As it happens, Khan is pro same-sex marriage, pro gay rights. But Lynton Crosby has never let facts stand in the way of political victory because victory has to be had at any cost. Remember Cameron’s promise not to cut welfare benefits? And so we had a contest enlivened by smears and provocation. It is fervently to be hoped that if and when Khan is elected, Goldsmith will slip back into the obscurity that he so richly deserves and Britain will retain its fine old tradition of sending undesirables off to Australia. Bon voyage Lynton! Meanwhile, the next time Cameron flings allegations of racism at Labour (and Readers will recall that last week, WTF gave anti-semites both barrels), he might care to look at the campaign of his Mayoral candidate, which he has endorsed, and repent. But don’t hold your breath …. 

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To the Met Gala 2016, an annual frightfest of fashion. This year the theme was “Manus X Machina; Fashion in the age of technology”. For many designers, this meant sticking celebs in silver like so many robotic stick insects. We will ignoring most of them as they were all so samey. We are going for the real dross. Let us start with Oscar-winning actress Alicia Vikander wearing Louis Vuitton.

Vuitton had a total shocker this week, featuring lots of dresses with enhanced tit covers and hobnail boots. Like Alicia here.  This is very Barbie goes kinky. Life is not fantastic when you’re wearing plastic….

Singer Taylor Swift, also wearing  Louis Vuitton.

Ah, Taylor. Little Princess Smug herself. Black lipstick is So Over, pet. If a dehydrated snake went to a party in a ra-ra skirt and Greek sandals, this is what it would look like.

Model Irina Shayk wearing Givenchy.

It is a good job that the US Constitution regards desecration of the flag as protected by the right of free speech. This is a see-through Star Spangled Minge Moment with a double side helping of tits to go.

Rapper Kanye West wearing Balmain.

WTF continues to deplore Kanye’s thing with ripped jeans and he appears to have deposited the entire content of his sock drawer in the crotch. The jacket looks seriously cheap, although probably costing the same as the GDP of Argentina. Just go away…. 

Zayn Malik wearing Versace and Gigi Hadid wearing Tommy Hilfiger.

She is wearing see-through. As WTF aficionado Joyce so sagely observed, it has long lost the power even to shock and is just dull, dull, dull.  As for Zayn, WTF has never been a fan of his permanently farouche expression and air of martyrdom (He’s a pop star. And a multi-millionaire. He’s going out with a supermodel. Just shut the fuck up and smile, son). As for his attire, it seems  that Donatella has broken into the Tower of London armoury, stolen some samples, stuck them onto a jacket and called it an outfit.

Actress Sarah Jessica Parker, wearing Monse.

More Monsense. She looks like an extra from Master and Commander  and WTF is not keen on the mis-matched Manolos, although the colour is beautiful. There is also much to hate about the makeup, which has been applied with two trowels, and the hair, which looks like the mane of a pantomime lion.

Jeremy Scott wearing Jeremy Scott and singer Nicki Minaj wearing Moschino (whose designer is, er, Jeremy Scott).

Nicki is dressed like the sort of person who hangs around with John Whittingdale. As for Jeremy, the heart-shaped diamanté crotch is one of the worst things WTF has seen in quite a while – even from him.

European Editor-at-large for Vogue, Hamish Bowles, wearing who knows what.

Fred Astaire in his hall curtains….. It’s been done, Hamish. By Julie Andrews. 50 years ago.

Singer Beyoncé wearing Givenchy.

She is dressed as a blowup sex doll with puff sleeves and a box bag. You have to resist the powerful urge to stick a darning needle into her ……

And her sister Solange (or, as WTF likes to call her, Solangé – share the acute, Mr and Mrs Knowles!) wearing David LaPorte. Who I trust is no relation of WTF aficionado, Joshua LaPorte. 

It is as if Solangé was making a banana smoothie and forgot to fasten down the lid. And those rubber surgical stockings are very disturbing.

Singer Lady Gaga, wearing Versace.

Granted, this is how Gaga usually looks. But it is so…..MINGEY! Starship trooper meets lap dancer.

Worst of all, admittedly in a hotly contested field, Madonna wearing Givenchy.

Where to start? The Cersei Lannister hair? The demonic face, more frozen than a packet of Capt. Birdseye’s boil-in-the-bag cod? The Barbarella tits? The thighs, strapped in tighter than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm? And talking of arse…..

Sigh. Where Madonna is concerned, when do we not talk about arse? This is a repetition of 2013 when the said arse was again on display. WTF takes a small crumb of comfort from the fact that the thong looks fiendishly uncomfortable and must have chafed like hell. When Madonna took it back off, her arse would have looked like a monkey’s. Yurgle….

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes courtesy of Ayesha from Stepney who is much exercised about the “elfie”,  which she describes so eloquently, WTF will just leave her to it. An elfie is a picture or footage of protagonists’ tiny progeny at inappropriate events. This is now an unfortunate fixture on sports pitches but recently it has  crept into diplomatic and political events. There was the Climate Deal signing (John Kerry and his grandson) and President Obama’s  State visit to the UK, where he was met by little Prince George in his jim-jams. Some things should be just for grownups. It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were buckets of comments last week, so keep them coming. As for your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go, it is a pleasure to receive them. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x