WTF Sexting Special 2015

Hallo Readers,

Happy New Year and welcome to 2016. And what an unedifying start it has been, with the rise (quite a lot of rises, it seems) and fall of priapic Purger-of-Paedophiles-in-Chief Simon Danczuk MP. Six months ago, WTF opined that Danczuk was a little too keen on the limelight and that if he were made of chocolate, he would eat himself. Sadly those who live by the media, die by the media. Fresh from a messy breakup from his titsy, selfie-obsessed wife Karen, Simon took up with Claire Hamilton, a Labour Party councillor. Come Christmas, when his Rochdale constituency was under water, Simon published a selfie of him and Claire down the pub, at which his constituents were in great indignation. When you are wading through your living room with the new HD telly bob-bob-bobbing about and your tree lights shorting, you do not want to see your MP pissed and canoodling with his new bird on social media. That was, however, just the warm up.

Claire dumped him suddenly (on Twitter, naturally). The following day, The Sun published an interview with buxom “performing arts student” Sophena Houlihan, 17.  Sophena had contacted Simon to enquire about a job. They corresponded by text in an increasingly lewd manner over some months with Simon telling her that his dick was hard, he wanted to spank her and he was horny as hell, admittedly much encouraged by Sophena’s descriptions, alas redacted in part, of what she would like him to do to her and her to him. Sophena herself was pictured in a plain blue shirt buttoned to the neck, reminiscent of Julie Andrews in the early scenes of The Sound of Music. She told The Sun she was “shocked” by Simon’s sleazy sexts and that “.. I played along with it, but now I feel like he duped me. I was keen for a career in politics and he is a very high-profile MP and I was in awe of him”, although how he duped her is unclear.  Be that howsoever it may be, it is unacceptable for a 49 year old man to talk dirty to a girl of 17, particularly one he has never met and even more particularly when he is a high profile MP firmly encamped on the moral high ground. All hell broke loose and he was immediately suspended from the Labour Party, despite the fact that Sophena was over the age of consent. The fact that Simon had been a thorn in Corbyn’s side since the day the latter was elected as Labour Leader is of course a mere coincidence. The following then happened:

* Sophena turned out to be a on-line dominatrix trading as Rosalie von Morelli with an interesting sideline in selling toenails and used panties for £10 a time. Sophena then took to Twitter complaining “Showing my cleavage doesn’t make me a whore. But picking somebody apart on social media to make yourself feel better makes you a c**t”.  Sadly, she offered no definition of someone who flogs her story to The Sun whilst posing as an innocent. On the other hand, you have to be pretty damaged to get into that line of work at 17.

*Simon’s first wife flogged her story to the Mail on Sunday. She was apparently horrified by her ex’s behaviour and the hurt and embarrassment for their teenaged children. At which point, she recounted every detail of their sex life, his insistence on having it whether she agreed or not, his giving her a vibrator when she complained of being lonely as he pursued his political career, his love of booze and cannabis and the fact that he was an all-round shit. None of this, of course, would  have embarrassed her children at all.

* Simon’s second wife, Karen, who herself had been all over the papers in July describing him as a boring old fart with a drink problem, then publicly attacked his first wife for speaking to the press.

*Claire flogged her story to another Sunday tabloid in which she described him as a sex-mad, drunken bore.

WTF began to regret that she had never corresponded with Simon as she could do with a trip down the shops. Meanwhile, the man himself has been everywhere, blaming his drinking, his depression, his job, the press, his predilection for much younger women, class snobbery and MI5 (OK, I made that last bit up).  He may or may not have been set up by Sophena or The Sun or the Labour Party or posh paedophiles or any combination of the above. But he walked right into it, believing that a balding, middle-aged man must be irresistible to younger women he has never even met. He has certainly done good work as an MP but he is also a sad, self-obsessed, sleazy soak. As for the coven, falling over themselves to line their pockets at his expense, they should all just go away.

We turn to the week’s fashion follies, starting with Game of Thrones’ Lena Headey, aka evil cow Cersei, wearing what appears to be wearing a bundle of washing.

She looks like a bag lady. Every item of clothing is nasty, singly and in combination. In The Sound of Music, Capt. von Trapp remarks disparagingly on Maria’s outfit. She tells him all novices’ civilian clothes were given to the poor but they didn’t want hers. They certainly wouldn’t want Lena’s.

Meet former boxer, London Mayoral candidate and homophobe Winston McKenzie, wearing who knows what on entering the Celebrity Big Brother House.

This is a most ridiculous ensemble, the Lion King meets East Enders. Winston has the dubious distinction of having belonged to every political party in turn. He was turfed out of UKIP and has now found a home with the English National Party. WTF looks forward to his getting the bird from the electorate come May….

Now we have serial offender Jennifer Lopez, wearing Michael Kors.

It is refreshing to find Jennifer covered up but not to be covered up in this crotch-hugging monstrosity, which falls squarely into the category of Call for The Canesten. WTF, however, delights in the concept of the minion carrying JLo’s handbag.

It is a welcome return for Readers’ favourite Bai Ling, out for a stroll in LA.

WTF could not resist this snap of Bai Ling and the sign over her minge declaring “Good Vibes Only”.  Dear Lord….

This is tennis champion Serena Williams wearing a dress of her own design.

Well, I say a “dress” but it is in fact no more than a bikini top worn atop Spanx and a train. Stick to the day job, love….

We meet top actress Emily Blunt, wearing Elie Saab.

This is a peekaboo, blue macramé bog-roll holder. It is just terribly, terribly, terrible. That is all.

Another actress, young Kristen Stewart wearing Chanel. This one is a shocker.

Karl Lagerfool strikes again. If you made an outfit out of a Chanel handbag made out of a bin bag, this is what it would look like…..

Finally, we have Jade Thirlwall of popular girl band Little Mix, wearing House of CB.

Isn’t £149 quite a lot for a net curtain? Plus you have to buy the pink panties. Dismal. WTF keeps hoping that the sheer trend will soon be over. We all keep  hoping that it will soon be over….

And the winner of the WTF Christmas Turkey poll 2015 is….drum roll…

Charlotte Dawson wearing ReneK Couture and hideous Louboutins and showing her minge.

At first, Charlotte was head to head with Rita Ora (the latter, surprisingly clothed). Then Rita pulled ahead. But at the end of last week, Charlotte established an unassailable lead with 20% of the vote. Rita was second and Z Lala third with Frankie Grande a very creditable fourth.  Yikes.

This week’s It’s Got to Go is Sir Philip Dilley, Chairman of the Environment Agency, who is paid £100,000 of taxpayers’ money for 3 days a week to look after floods and stuff. When Scotland and the North of England flooded just before Christmas, his office originally put it about that he was “at home” with his family, neglecting to mention that his home was his other home and 3,000 miles away in Barbados. He slunk back to Blighty with a stonking tan on 29 December.  Sir Philip now says that in hindsight he should have returned earlier. Here is WTF’s suggestion. Sack him and then he can spend as much time as he likes sunning himself by his pool. He Has Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  Keep the comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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6 Responses to WTF Sexting Special 2015

  1. I looked. It really does say “Twinkle” and “Joy” on Bai Ling’s rather too perfectly-formed left tit – see

  2. Laura says:

    Hilarious this week thank you it made my day. Did you hear the recent ex wife on LBC radio earlier this week? Sounded thicker than the two shortest planks you could ever imagine. I believe she is going to stand by her ex husband through this. The others needn’t feel left out though as she confirmed her bisexuality in light of the media having already published Simons photos of her and the now ex girlfriend kissing. So there is room for all of them. Waiting for the next instalment this one could run and run.

  3. fkarno
    fkarno says:

    I want to send you a pic – how do I go about that?

  4. SueP says:

    Well, you said he had to go…and he’s gone!

  5. Sarah Denby says:

    Thank God that dreadful Bai Ling is back! And it continues to amaze me how a house like Chanel can put forth such ugly outfits like poor Kristen…

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