WTF Panda and Pander Special

Hallo Readers

Is this why the country has been in the shit for so many years? Allegations persist that some members of Establishment might have been abusing children rather than getting to grips with the nation’s problems. This week’s possible paedophile is none other than former Prime Minister Sir Edward Heath, aka Sailor Ted, a confirmed batchelor who held office in the 1970’s. There were always hints that he might be what used to be known as a homosexual but this is another thing altogether. In fact, the general presumption was that Heath had never had sex with anyone, probably not even with himself and that the only wand he ever waved was the one he used to conduct orchestras. This week, however, brought the allegation that Wiltshire Police had failed to investigate Heath despite complaints about him and that a certain Madam Ling-Ling had also threatened to expose him if she herself was prosecuted. This Madam Ling-Ling is not the now-deceased giant panda but a pander, a brothel-keeper from Salisbury. You couldn’t make it up.

     Madam Ling-Ling                                        Ling-Ling the Panda

As it happens, Madam Ling-Ling denies she blackmailed police into dropping the charges against her and says she never met Heath and that he never frequented her brothel but Wiltshire Police and 5 other Forces say people are coming forward in numbers to allege that Sailor sexually assaulted or raped them. The problem is that Heath is dead. In the same way as politicians like Leon Brittan MP and Cyril Smith MP are dead. There can never be a trial in which they face the evidence against them and answer the allegations and for a jury to decide whether it is satisfied beyond reasonable doubt that an offence took place and for us to know whether these allegations are proven. The police backed off or were told to back off so that the allegations were never progressed when they should have been. Instead the Establishment closed rank and kept us proles in the dark because it would not be good for Britain if MPs and Ministers and Judges and Civil Servants and Who Knows Who Else amongst the Great and the Good were shown to be, or even alleged to be, not Great and not Good and because the Establishment always looks after its own like a posh Cosa Nostra even when some of the people in it (Cyril Smith anyone?) were not remotely posh. As a result, the complainants were never heard. It is a sad and sorry chapter in this country’s history. 

WTF wants you lot to know that writing this blog in the summer months is hard. There are no award ceremonies and celebs are either on holiday or mooching around town in jeans and tee shirts like the rest of us. But WTF has managed to identify some serious fashion errors this week, starting with Downton Abbey’s Michelle Dockery wearing Dion Lee.

WTF has taken a strong dislike to Michelle, whose I-speak-your-weight delivery as Lady Mary drives her to distraction and she cannot bear bottle green, it being the colour of her school uniform. But she also dislikes the gold sandals, the tit-window and the Granny’s string shopping bag over-skirt.

Get your sunglasses on for this one! Here is actress Regina King wearing something very, very bright.

Ouch. Ouch for the colour. Ouch for the hanging things. Ouch for the single sleeve, which WTF hates almost above all things. Ouch for the leg-of-mutton single sleeve. Ouch for the shoes. Ouch.

Next we meet America’s Next Top Model’s Tyra Banks, herself a former top model, wearing Roland Mouret with Alejandro G sandals. 

The Krystle Carrington dress has shoulders broader than Sunset Boulevard and the asymmetric neckline and hemline are doing her no favours. As for the circulation-stopping sandals, they are a health hazard. Tyra looks as if her head has been superimposed onto someone else’s body – someone with wide hips. As for the horrified expression, WTF can only assume that she has just seen her reflection in the mirror.

Tyra is about to do a new show with model Chrissy Teigen and they appeared on someone else’s chat show to plug it. Chrissy was wearing Alessandra Rich.

A pinstripe bra and Al Capone trousers? Really? The appropriate word is “why”? Even on a top model, this is unflattering whilst sitting down. And also very, very silly.

Oh no! Here is wonderful actress and Hollywood grande dame Meryl Streep wearing Balmain.

You would expect something like this measle-fest on tat-merchants like the Kardashians or one of the Real Housewives of Crapville but not on Meryl. It is like the Pope farting in public whilst wearing jeans – just wrong, wrong, wrong.

We now encounter serial shocker, actress and arse-flasher Maitland Ward. Who is again flashing her arse. It is, after all, her raison d’être.

Oh for Heaven’s sake. This is a tie-dye top. There is supposed to be a bottom, not Maitland’s bottom. Put your cellulite away love….we have all seen it too many times.

This next one is bad. Please meet Z-Lister and daughter of the late comedian Les Dawson, Charlotte Dawson, at the Blue Hues Summer Evening in Manchester wearing Rene K Couture.

Rene K Couture has as much in common with couture as Charlotte does with Audrey Hepburn. The turquoise body and lace thing screams vulgarity and minge in equal measure. And that is before you get to the rear view, albeit that Charlotte did it on purpose.

Hands up anyone who ever saw Audrey Hepburn flash her arse? And it was  a much better arse than this one. Charlotte describes herself as Model/Actress/Makeup Artiste. Makeup artiste? She should sue herself….

Finally, we have actress Kate Mara, star of the new blockbuster The Fantastic Four, wearing a Dior top and someone else’s terrible shorts.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???? The Dior top is gorgeous but those snatch shorts have got to go. In fact they are downright disturbing. People often dream that they have gone out without their knickers on. In Kate’s case, she went out looking as if she had no knickers on. And if that is not a nightmare, WTF does not know what is. Oh, and she and the sandy-haired chap next to her appear to share the same barber.

This week’s It’s Got to Go can be taken shortly. WTF is sick and tired, and sick and tired some more, of the expression “lost his/her (brave) battle with cancer”.  Not only is it a dreadful, lazy cliché but it is very insulting. If you die because a horrible disease destroyed your body, are you a coward? Or a crap soldier? Of course not. Stop it. Now.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in because they bring sunshine into WTF’s day. Nor should you neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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3 Responses to WTF Panda and Pander Special

  1. Lord Dodo
    Rebecca Jay says:

    Ah, bottle green…being a very, very long time friend of WTF, I remember it all too well and the feeling is entirely mutual. That is all.

  2. Sue Melu says:

    So mutual, urgh, but the outfit is so not helped by the fishing net around the hemline either or is that perhaps the point, fish, net mmm. The biggest sad of todays WTF masterpiece is Meryl, normally the highest achiever of good looks, looking as you said rather common darling.

  3. I’m sorry bottle green brings back unpleasant memories. I thought the nicest feature of the dress was the color.
    I agree with your “brave battle against cancer” observation. When I was being treated for cancer as a teenager I didn’t feel particularly brave, just nauseous and tired. Something about the combination of surgery, chemicals, and radiation. Four decades later and I still glow in the dark.
    I will suggest an addendum. The phrases “your cancer” and “my cancer” also have to go. Makes it sound as if I ordered it online. (Okay, that adventure ran from 1972 through 1974. Make it the Sear’s catalog.)

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