Back with a Bang Special

Hallo Readers, 

What a week for WTF to return. The perfect political scandal. Some sleazy old stoat you’ve never heard of. Who just happens to be in charge of conduct at the House of Lords. Cocaine. Paid ladies. Snorting cocaine off the ample breasts of one of the said paid ladies. Putting on the orange bra of one of the said paid ladies (distressingly filling the cups with his horrible, saggy moobs). Grandly disparaging his Labour Party colleagues whilst stoned out of his head and wearing the said orange bra. What did the Lord Sewel scandal not have? The photos of this distinguished Parliamentarian with a rolled-up fiver up his nose (cheapskate) and his wrinkly winkle were the highlight of the year to date. He held out for a few days but eventually succumbed to public pressure and quit the House of Lords to return to Aberdeen where the third Lady Sewel was waiting with a baseball bat and a vat of boiling porridge. Meanwhile, a posse of police raided his London flat in full view of the cameras. This week police chiefs announced that if you are burgled, don’t expect the bobbies to call because they are too busy with other matters. Like 6 of them searching for a bit of coke….

Here’s the thing. There is no mechanism to chuck naughty nobles out of the Lords or to strip them of their peerages. So had Lord Sewel decided to brazen it out, he could have stayed on trousering £300 a day of public funds in order to buy more stuff to snort whilst waggling his willy at a couple of tarts.  Even now he is still Lord Sewel. The House of Lords is stuffed fuller than that orange bra with all manner of arse-lickers and fundraisers who have brown-nosed or bought the right to parade around in ermine and have a good lunch and a snooze courtesy of the taxpayers. And to pass laws and to block laws and in the case of Lord Sewel to tell other Lords how they should behave. 800 people we have never elected who are there at the say-so of the Party Leaders.  There is venality and jiggery-pokery in the Commons but you can throw them out. Here, a life peerage for someone is a life sentence for the people (us) who pay to keep them in there. It is time to chuck the whole lot of them onto the streets and have an elected second chamber. Let this current batch pay for their own lunch and find a park bench or old people’s home to sleep away the afternoon. There is however one thing to say in favour of Lord Sewel. Too out of it to notice that the paid ladies were quizzing him on political matters (scripted by Sun hacks), he gave his opinion of David Cameron and you cannot argue with it. “The most facile, superficial Prime Minister there has ever been”. Give that man a job on Newsnight.

This week’s selection from the sartorial shitpile is an interesting blend of fully covered and barely covered. But they are all very, very bad. We start with young actress Ashley Benson wearing Miu Miu.

She is wearing satin tit slings. WTF does not even want to think what injury you would sustain to wear satin tit slings or why you would team them with a matchy-matchy pink purse. But it sounds as painful as it looks.

 Jennifer Lopez is flashing the flesh – again. Here she is at her 46th birthday party, sort of wearing  Bao Tranchi.

Tawdry and tacky and the quintessence of a Minge Moment. And from the side, there is an expanse of visible arse, like a large watermelon gift-wrapped in gauze. WTF will say this again. Jennifer, you are stunning for any age but you have to stop this. For both our sakes and for yours. And lay off the lip liner because your mouth looks like a couple of rubber tyres.


Now we encounter splendid actress Tilda Swinton wearing Valentino.

For some reason, Tilda is dressed as His Holiness The Pope. Who knows why?

More lunacy, this time from actress Juliette Lewis. WTF does not know what she is wearing but it is way beyond terrible.

A swimsuit under a string vest. Trousers 2 sizes too small, the zip straining to contain the wearer with more folds than a Fortuny frock. Knee pads. Black and white boots like a Dalmatian’s paws. And eyes like a boxer after a bad beating. This would not be many people’s look of choice. And with good reason.

Leonardo di Caprio held a Party in St Tropez with the proceeds – a whopping $40m – going to Environmental charities. Clock the beard-and-topknot combo.

He appears to have a turd on his head. Note that Leo is not giving us a peek of his arse or his dingly-danglies. In contrast, the dress code for the guests appears to have been “not a lot” .  Let us start with actress Michelle Rodriguez wearing Francesco Scognamiglio.

This Scognamiglio is a pest, designing hideous outfits consisting of nothing more than a scrap of embellished chiffon. The appliquéd roses do not even cover her bits and the top of them below the armpits look like pussycat ears. 

Be that howsoever it may be, Michelle is positively overdressed compared to Canadian model Jessica Stam, also wearing Francesco Scognamiglio.

Readers paying close attention will remember Lindsay Lohan wearing the same “dress”  with its embroidered Fred Perry logo but she had a slip underneath. And it looked like shit then. This is far worse and that is before you get to the rear view.

WTF is fairly certain that Jessica does not have cellulite and that were she to jump up and down for a prolonged period, absolutely nothing would move save for the hair and the shoe laces. So why is she wearing something that seems to give her ripples and which emphasises her arse-cheeks and bony elbows? It is as much a mystery as the Bermuda Triangle.

And there was another top model Irina Shayk wearing Versace.

The vulgarity of the dress is a given. It is Versace. It is also a trifle tight over the tits. But what the hell is this triangular thing?

At first sight it appears to be a sanitary pad but it is unlikely that she would stick it straight onto the gown. WTF can only conclude that it is there to act as labial lid but look closely and it appears to have a face with eyes and a nose like a newborn puppy. Whatever it is, it should not be on view. 

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from husband and wife combo Ben and Kathryn from Kent who have just returned from Europe and are dismayed by tourists at scenic sights who expect others to wait whilst they photograph their loved ones with more pfaffing about than Mario Testino on a fashion shoot.  Frankly WTF makes it a point of principle to barge past and ruin the shot but Ben and Kathryn are clearly better brought up. However, if you do walk into the shot, they fix you with a glare that would melt the Polar Icecap. Why people think they are entitled to block everyone else’s right of way, Ben and Kathryn cannot say but they do know – and in this they are 100% correct – that It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in because they make WTF’s day so hit that button right away and don’t neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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12 Responses to Back with a Bang Special

  1. tragichorus – Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit patient & tough, one day this pain will be useful to you.
    tragichorus says:

    Juliette Lewis’s father? Died very recently….how good would I look whilst going through a bereavement like that?

  2. Yay, welcome back! Oh dear, could it be that said “face” on Irina Shayk are indeed her protruding bones which yet again do nothing but promote the trend that unless your bones are clearly visible all over your body, with at least a 5in gap between your legs you are not thin enough! Very sad and very ugly.

  3. Agreed we should get rid of The House of Lords but is it crazy that I’m almost relieved that Lord Sewel got caught doing the traditional misbehaviours – women and drugs, and was not interfering with or murdering little children. Let us not forget the elected representatives who were named in a possible paedophile ring!

  4. Lottie says:

    Leonardo de Cappuchino is beginning to look like Burl Ives. Irina Shayk’s leotard thing looks like it was made for someone a good foot shorter than she is, on someone of the proper height the tit harness at the top would fit properly and wouldn’t cut her circulation off. As for the little face – Alien, anyone? And I am so sick of all these silly women tarting about in net curtains over little or no underwear. Jennifer Lopez looks like she’s wearing ripped 40 denier opaque tights. I don’t need to know you’re not wearing knickers and I certainly don’t want to sit on any chair you’ve sat on. Where does she put her Tena Lady???

  5. I have to defend a fellow Texan.
    Michelle Rodriguez is clearly barefoot, carrying her shoes rather than wearing them.
    She recognizes wearing such footwear as both uncomfortable and likely to cause painful injury.
    This must count for something.

  6. Well, yeah, there is that…
    Sorry Michelle, I tried. You’re on your own.

  7. JulieAnn – Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
    JulieAnn says:
  8. Sarah Denby says:

    Welcome back! It is so unfair for you to tantalize us Americans with visions of Lord Sewel with his moobs encased in an orange bra and then NOT provide said visions! Surely that has to trump anything pictured here…However, Juliette Lewis is truly frightening (hard to believe what a fine actress she actually is…). J-Lo needs a new dietician. And Irina Shayk (whoever she is) is wearing crotch tape like the nudie dancers at Crazy Horse in Paris. What if she has to pee?

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