Hallo Readers, 

This has been the most bizarre election WTF can remember. Here are some reflections on the show so far.

  • It seems a good bet that nobody is actually going to win an outright majority but neither Cameron nor Miliband will accept this, or at least not in public. They bat away their suitors like a doughty spinster in a Henry James novel. They both say they want a majority. (Who wouldn’t? WTF wants to look like Sofia Vergara but, as Miliband would say, it ain’t gonna happen). They also say they have no Plan B but absolutely no one believes them so either they are lying (very likely) or deluded (more than likely).  Which prompted the thought – is Labour’s Plan B the Liberal Democrats?
  • No-one has really dropped a bollock. No-one has been egged. (A candidate was bitten by a dog but this is not thought to have been a political protest by the pooch). Since most of the Leaders have not gone anywhere near a real voter until last night’s BBC Question Time, there were no angry street encounters, no denunciations and no waving of digits. Indeed, given that the blunt-as-fuck-we’re-Yorkshire-and-well-‘ard Question Time audience were more vicious and unrelenting than a pack of rabid Rottweilers, you could sort of see why they had all hitherto steered clear. That lot made Jeremy Paxman look like Gandhi on Prozac. 
  • What the rabid audience proved last night is voters do not want to be fobbed off. They want answers. They want to know whether Cameron is planning to cut benefits, and if so which ones.  They want to know whether Labour acknowledges it made mistakes in its handling of the economy because they want to know if they can trust them with it this time. They want to know what are the parties’ proposals on immigration and whether those proposals will work. And they know that they have not had good enough answers which just entrenches their prejudices and increases their resentment.
  • The SNP are going to decimate Labour’s vote in Scotland so they are now claiming droit de seigneur and demanding that Labour share the matrimonial mattress, whether they want the match or not. Miliband has declared that he would rather take a vow of chastity than tie the knot or even live in sin. Which is all very well but where does it leave him? He has painted himself into a corner. Either he does a deal and looks like a liar or he fails to form a Government and will carry the blame for ushering in another Conservative Government. And if the Scots are disaffected now, just wait until they have another Tory administration rammed down their throats. It is a recipe for disaster. As WTF pointed out last week, either Scotland is part of the UK or it isn’t. And if it is, they have as much right to have a say in a coalition as anyone else.
  • The campaign started off weirdly when the Tories vowed to spend, spend, spend on the NHS (without identifying the source of the largesse) whilst Labour vowed to get back together with Gordon Brown’s old fiscal friend Prudence. It got weirder when Cameron, who had been languid and bored throughout the campaign, realised that he needed more oomph as a matter of urgency and turned into Mr Shouty-Man, waving his arms about like a Slovakian shot-putter on Steroids.  Meanwhile Miliband, in an attempt to win over the yoof vote, took tea with Russell Brand clad in a suit and tie and then overcompensated by speaking in a patois so dense that even Ali G would need subtitles. It was like Face Off when John Travolta and Nicolas Cage swap appearances.
  • Although nothing was as daft as Cameron eating a hotdog at a garden party WITH A KNIFE AND FORK. No one does that. No one.
  • WTF’s favourite moment was when Tory Chairman Grant Shapps was accused of doctoring his and other Cabinet Ministers’ Wikipedia entries, something he blamed on Labour’s Dirty Tricks Department. Admittedly Shapps’ denials are not worth much but since then he has not been seen, not even at the hustings in his own consistency.  Where can he be? Has he been locked in a cupboard at Tory Central Office for the duration? Let us hope they drilled enough air holes.

We now turn to the week’s sartorial shit-pile with the dancer Valentin Chmerkovskiy from the US hit show Dancing with the Stars.

Is Valentin a somnambulist? I only ask because he turned up at the Radio Disney Music Awards in puce paisley pyjamas. Which is nearly as offensive as his turning up in coordinating puce bootees with his puce paisley pyjamas.

This is Irish TV Weather Person Jean Byrne wearing Clare O’Connor at the VIP Style Awards 2015 in Dublin.

Style Awards! Oh the irony! Gaul was divided into 3 parts and so is Jean – one part Elizabethan floral ruff, one part black taffeta dress and one part pantomime horse. What are those hooves? They are as ugly as anything WTF ever did see in her life…

And now a departure from the normal picture size to include the nonsensical nonsense that is footballer Alex Song‘s nonsensical outfit, particularly the hat.

WTF was struggling for the mot juste and then she found it. Prat. Alex is a prat in a Mountie hat, mirror sunglasses like a LA Motorcycle Cop, Mayoral-size chain and itsy-bitsy rolled up sleeves. Abject.

What is it about sportsmen and stupid hats? Here is another fashion victim, racing driver Lewis Hamilton.

Another prat in a hat. More sunglasses (worn in the dark, which WTF hates almost above all things). More artfully-distressed, overpriced denim. More bling than a warehouseful of bling. £23 million a year and this is the best he can do?

We now travel to Faces Nightclub in Essex, beloved of TOWIE cast members and footballers, where we encounter celebritee Amber Rose, former inamorata of Kanye West.

Amber was on a UK tour, but promoting what is unclear. Here she is keeping it classy in a onesie made from that rubber mesh you use to protect grass. There is also a little cape like Batman and some ludicrous Batman sunglasses (also worn in the dark). The expression of the bloke next to her says it all. 

Diva de luxe Mariah Carey rolled into Las Vegas on Monday like the Queen of Sheba in a 1936 pink convertible.

Criticism is alien to WTF’s nature but Mariah seems to be encased in a sparking sausage skin. Particular exception is taken to the encrusted tits and groin and the visible panties…

Meanwhile, we can all see that Mariah is lovely and curvy so why does she look like this on her new album cover? Because she doesn’t look like that any more than WTF looks like Sofia Vergara…

Finally, outrage awaits us in the form of Chrissy Teigen, model and wife of singer John Legend, wearing Zuhair Murad to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

At first sight, WTF thought the dress was striking but too titsy. Then she saw the side view. Take a deep breath, Readers…

Oh. My. Goodness. Me. This is a full-on Minge Moment. Indeed it is a Mega-Mammoth-Minge-Moment. Put it away woman, for Heaven’s sake. This is the White House. Those panties are not up to the job, but WTF presents her compliments to Chrissy’s waxing technician.

In last week’s It’s Got To Go, WTF complained about those selfish sods who wait until arrival at the table when you load stuff for the airport scanner before rummaging in their luggage for forbidden items and stripping off their jackets, belts and boots. Readers have been following through with similar pet hates. Alessandra is angered by people in bus queues who wait until they board before searching for their oyster card (which is always at the bottom of the one of the multiple bags they are carrying). Lesley Anne loathes people queuing at cash registers who search for their wallet only after their purchases have been scanned. Lottie is livid about commuters who dawdle in crowds, stop suddenly without warning and run over her toes with their wheelie bags. And Ruth rants about people walking whilst texting who narrowly avoid death by motorcar. These groups definitely have all Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of comments last week so that WTF was skipping about like those little lambs Cameron likes to be photographed with. And, as you have just read, there was strong feedback for It’s Got To Go. Keep it all coming and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

5 responses to “WTF Topsy-Turvy Special”

  1. Best part: “Criticism is alien to WTF’s nature…”

  2. I too am now skipping around like a little lamb at having my name in print. :)) Certainly made my “May” day! As far as “fashion” goes I have now reached the conclusion that Zuhair Murad is not fit to be called a “fashion designer” and should be cast out… with immediate effect! Either that or the idiots that wear his designs, spending god only knows how much on them, should seriously consider sacking their stylists!

  3. Always enlightening, WTF provides a great start to every Friday, thanks.

  4. One of your best, but you really had some great inspiration to work with this week.
    *Gandhi on Prozac. Don’t know when I’ll ever need this metaphor, but I’m stealing it. Maybe not soon, but I will use it someday. 
    *Droit de Seigneur. Never considered using that to describe a political alliance. Ooh! Fingernails across a chalk board.
    *There are hot dogs in the United Kingdom for the Prime Minister to eat? Thought they were confined to the United States (the hot dogs, not the prime ministers). If you have an English accent, you probably ought to eat hot dogs with a knife and fork.
    *Your concern for Grant Shapps ventilation requirements seems out of character. I would have expected you to propose locking the cupboard, weighing it down with heavy chains and dumping it into the Thames while the band played Handel’s “Water Music” (or at least a few bars of “Yellow Submarine”).
    *As for the fashion, Chrissy Teigan may have provided the female counterpart to that little boy on the beach with the cock sock.

  5. Those hats make me yearn for the days of fedoras….they were a,ways so classy, even in the soup lines. And a minge moment at the White House? Where are her manners????

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