Hallo Readers,

Has David Cameron developed agoraphobia? Or even worse, anthrophobia? I ask because throughout this election campaign Dave has done his best to avoid going anywhere or meeting anyone (including the Leader of the Opposition  – clearly a case of Miliphobia) and that reluctance continues. He isn’t out pounding the streets and pressing the flesh. He isn’t standing on a soapbox, like John Major did in 1992. Instead he is more cocooned than an agoraphobic pupa with anxiety issues. His battle bus trundles up and down but Dave isn’t actually on it – a reporter disclosed that he flies to wherever it is or takes the Prime Ministerial Limo and then hops on board just near the point of arrival, like a marathon runner taking a bus for the first 26 miles and then sprinting to the finishing line. WTF can of course understand why Dave would not want to be trapped in a closed vehicle with Grant Shapps – most of us would rather dip our heads in a bucket of shit than go down the drive with him, let alone travel hundreds of miles up and down the land. But that does not excuse the total lack of engagement with the great unwashed whom he wants to vote for him. Instead, Dave does photo opportunities. Here is Dave cuddling a lambkin. Here is Dave pretending to read a book with toddlers. Lambkins and toddlers cannot vote. Nor can they tell Dave that he is talking bollocks. Here is Dave doing palm-painting with Boris Johnson and pretending to enjoy it whereas, as WTF’s late grandmother would say, he would drown him a thimbleful of water. Here is Dave in a hard hat and high visibility jacket inspecting a building site but not actually talking to any builders, only to their (presumably Tory-voting) bosses. He seems to regard the ordinary punter with the same suspicion as Howard Hughes viewed germs. Hughes suffered from advanced mysophobia – Dave seems to come down with voterphobia and it is apparently incurable. He looks listless and uninterested.  Does he actually want to win?

Dave has also developed Scotophobia. Having bleated and blathered about the importance of maintaining the Union and begging the Scots not to leave, he is now incensed that they want to play a part in governing a nation that they are still a part of.  How very dare they?  So the relentless negativity of the Tory campaign continues. It started off with “Don’t vote Ed”.  Once that failed to appeal, it moved to “Ed is a backstabber”. That also failed to catch on and so now we have progressed onto “Don’t let the Jocks In”. It is like a man begging his wife not to divorce him and then refusing her access to the matrimonial bed once she’s torn up the petition. The fact that the nation has gone Nicola Nuts suggests that this is not a winning strategy. Meanwhile, whatever they’re paying Lynton Crosby, they’ve been robbed….

Vestiphobia is the fear of clothing. WTF suffer from crapvestiphobia, fear of bad clothing, and given this week’s selection with good reason. We start with Maxine Peake, aka Martha in Silk, at the premiere of her new film The Falling wearing I know not what.

For some reason the lovely and talented Maxine is dressed as one of the chorus in HMS Pinafore. Those are very ridiculous trousers. Very ridiculous indeed.

And here are some more very ridiculous trousers, this time with Blake Lively in them wearing Balmain.

Sorry, have I missed the announcement? Is this Ridiculous Trousers Week? This was one of 14 outfits Blake wore in 48 hours whilst plugging her new movie The Age of Adaline. Even Marie Antoinette did not wear 14 outfits in 48 hours, especially ones making her look like a clown on stilts….

We move onto LA and a very pregnant Jaime King wearing Burberry at the Burberry Party.

Oh dear Lord. The pregnancy bump is not the issue. The issue is what is (or in this case what is not) covering the pregnancy bump. Why is Jaime out in public clad in a sea-green nightie and big black knickers, accessorised with a furry pelt last seen on a Sesame Street puppet and a pair of hideous bootees? It is as much a mystery as the Bermuda Triangle.

To the American Country Music Awards, always a rich seam of sartorial shockingness, and young singer Kelsea Ballerini (and yes, that is her real name) wearing I know not what.

WTF hates a mullet skirt almost above all things and there is also a bodice like Mickey Mouse’s ears. Kelsea is 21 but looks about 14 and seems to have been rummaging in Momma’s dressing up basket….

And what music event would be complete without Steven Tyler looking silly?

What was the dress code for the ACM this year? Kelsea is wearing Mickey Mouse ears as a tit-cover and Steve is wearing a Roy Lichtenstein face on his thigh with a giant mouth nuzzling his knee. We can but be grateful that it is only his knee. And these trousers now have their own hashtag, #iamstevenspants.

Here is Miley Cyrus (r) at an event honouring Joan Jett (l).

I mean, we all do things differently, don’t we? Some people honour their heroes with a song. Some paint a picture or write a gushing article or make a speech. In Miley’s case, she wears a leather dress with a double-tit-window and nipple pasties with Joan’s initials on them.

But bad as the nipple pasties are, and they are very bad, worse is to come in the form of Hollyoaks actress Stephanie Davis wearing (if that is the word WTF is looking for, which manifestly it is not) Lemon Lunar, yours for only £59 99.

The dress is horrible but not nearly as horrible as the expanse of crotch on show. Panties are quite bad enough but side-pube is something else altogether and must not be allowed, not even at all, ever. Still more so on both sides, complete with tattoo and cigarette….

This week’s It’s Got To Go arises from WTF’s various trips through airport security and the number of thick-as-double-dogshit people who still do not appear to understand the (admittedly annoying) rules about what they need to remove from themselves and their bags before they are scanned. It is not as if there aren’t signs aplenty en route but they wait until the very moment of arrival at the table before proceeding to unpack toiletries various, find and unzip laptop and iPad cases with more to-d0 than the unveiling a new Apple innovation, peel off various layers of clothing and then take 5 minutes wriggling out of their absurdly inappropriate footwear. GET A MOVE ON, YOU MORONS!!! It has definitely Got to Go.

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of comments last week which made WTF beam from ear to ear like a lunatic, so keep them coming in as well as your comments for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

13 responses to “WTF Has Anyone Seen Dave Special”

  1. On a similar note to your airport “it’s got to go”. People who wait in a queue at a cash register and only start to look for their wallet/purse, after their merchandise has been scanned!

    1. fashionshark

      Oh I so agree with that! My brother once nearly exploded when someone did that…..words were spoken of an unfriendly nature. (We’re very critical, our lot!)

  2. Also, is Stephanie Davis wearing a thong the wrong way round in an unsuccessful attempt to preserve her modesty?

  3. Maxine Peake is sadly following Tilda Swinton down the path of: “I am a serious actor, therefore I must reject style and recycle an outfit from my 1980s community theatre group”

  4. Stephanie Davis…. Oh dear dear dear!!! I totally agree with Its Got To Go this week, along with airports and cash machines may I add bus queues. People who wait until they are on the bus and in front of the driver before looking for their Oyster card which is always at the very bottom of one of the multiple bags they are carrying. Arghhhhhh!!

    1. fashionshark

      Yes I agree with that too!

  5. Oh, and it’s usually raining too.

  6. I have never watched Hollyoaks but if she is an actress (can she act?) on that soap, is it as trashy as she appears to be?

  7. The Hollyoaks person (I’ve never watched it either) has obviously read the sign on the door saying `Private Event` and got the wrong idea!

  8. Steven Tyler’s trousers look like he has split the seam on the inside of the thigh. 30 years ago that might have been interesting, but now it’s just a bit sick-making.

    Please may I add to ‘It’s Got To Go’ this week those people who dawdle along in crowds, stop suddenly with no warning and drag a suitcase on wheels across your feet. Trying to navigate Clapham Junction is getting harder and harder and one day that little voice in my head going ‘Move it, dickbrain’ will no longer be in my head and instead will be hollering at some idiot who has no idea where they are going and who is blocking up the entire station.

    1. fashionshark

      Fortunately it’s just the pattern. Phew!

  9. Miley makes me want to barf. How can she still have a fan base and be a “success”!?!?!? And that Stephanie person should not be allowed out in public….

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