WTF Enquiry Into The Enquiry Special

Hallo Readers,

When you apply to join the Civil Service (subsidised lunches plus a Knighthood or a Damehood if you hang around long enough – and why would you go anywhere else with that fuck-off, index-linked pension awaiting you?), you have to answer questions designed to test your sneakiness and your ability to rescue ministers from the dungheap in which they inevitably find themselves. Like this one. The Home Office is in a pickle. It has been lumbered with an unwanted enquiry into the failure of public bodies and institutions to act on child abuse over the past 30 years. Various Tory grandees from the 1980s have been accused, correctly or otherwise, of either involvement in paedophile activities or covering them up. There is sympathy for those poor kiddies who were sexually abused by eminent members of the Establishment turning up in their Rolls Royces but it would be better not to have the Enquiry so how can it be delayed whilst looking as if it is full steam ahead? Here is WTF’s idea.

First, the role of the former Attorney General, Sir Michael Havers, will be under scrutiny for failing to act on serious allegations so why not appoint his sister Lady Butler-Sloss to Chair the Enquiry? You can always claim that you did not know she was his sister as they have different names. She is a former member of the Court of Appeal, an expert in children’s matters and someone without a stain on her character but she is consanguineous and therefore she could never be perceived as neutral. The row drags on for a while before she steps down. You then come up with Fiona Woolf, the Lord Mayor of London, Ambassador for City of London Business and a former President of the Law Society. Mrs Woolf is a neighbour of the former Tory Home Secretary Leon Brittan, another one whose actions will be scrutinised because he was handed a dossier naming names but it then “got lost”, you know, the way these things do. And not only is she a neighbour of the Brittans,  she has dined with them and they with her. And not only has she dined with them and they with her but the Home Office helped her draft and redraft a letter which failed to make the dining arrangements clear. This wastes even more time until she too is forced to resign. So you get to November with Christmas muzak tinkling in the shops and another ballsachingly sickly, soupy, soapy John Lewis TV ad and there is still no Chair for the Enquiry despite it being set up in July. The Home Secretary has now promised to consult what Mrs Woolf nauseatingly described as “the victim community” before wheeling out the next Chair. Does Jimmy Savile have any relatives in the legal profession? Or can we delay matters further by having an Enquiry into the Enquiry?

To the week’s sartorial horrorshow starting with ubiquitous but talentless Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, formerly Cheryl Cole, née Tweedy, on the set of The X Factor wearing Ziad Nakad.

WTF can forgive the ironed Morticia hair because it was a Halloween Special (although the purported “singing” was so bad last weekend that extraneous horror was superfluous) but the makeup is wholly unforgivable and the dress is less Ziad Nakad and more half Nakad. What is the point of wearing a dark blue Minge Moment dress with a cheap-looking, crinkled white half-slip like something you would find in BHS for £4? Either you go at this thing full-throttle or not at all. Preferably the latter…..

Then we have our old friend Madonna wearing Givenchy.

Those boots aren’t made for walking….in fact, Madge needed three little helpers just to get them on. And for what? They are beyond hideous. We have saloon-girl chic, arms like a weightlifter, nipples on display like a couple of ripe raspberries and a face (at 56) as smooth as a billiard ball and twice as shiny. Dear Lord. It is time for Madge to stay indoors. Please make it happen.

Next meet actress and model China Chow wearing a ridiculous dress by Moschino designed by WTF bête noire Jeremy Scott.

This is taking the expression “looks good enough to eat” too literally. It is silly. Perhaps Jeremy’s natural progression would be to create a dress based on the Andrex wrapping paper.

To the Harper’s Bazaar Women of the Year event and the lovely Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley wearing Balmain.

This is less offensive than the bondage thing by Tom Ford worn by serial-offender Miley Cyrus last week but also more offensive in that (i) Rosie is a lot classier than Miley (ii) that choke-chain collar is just worrying and (iii) WTF hates a see-through trouser almost above all things. By the way, Readers, last week WTF told you that Tom Ford had strayed down the Julien Macdonald Way to Wankiness and this week confirmed it when WTF learnt that Tom had written a love letter to Rihanna’s nipples. Just saying….

And now the first in a new feature, although familiar to those following @WTF_EEK, called The Perils of Plastic Surgery. If you are eating, stop now and send small children out of the room. Here is Donatella Versace.

This is just so wrong. Donatella is 59 years old and looks like a gargoyle. WTF referred to Madonna’s shiny visage a few snaps back but Donatella’s face is not so much shiny as polished to the extent that you could use it as a mirror. Why do women do this to themselves? It is self-harming and it is sad.

Shockingness abounded at the Melbourne Gold Cup held on Tuesday, where the theme appeared to be Fancy Dress (Freak Show). If this is the crème de la crème of Australian society, Heaven help Australia.  Here are some of the silliest people you have ever seen in this blog, starting with preposterous milliner to the stars Richard Nylon. And no, he is not standing in front of a sunburst clock, that is part of the hat.

OMG, OMG, OMG. That is all…..

And another lunatic in the shape of designer Matcho Suba.

Ummmmmmmm…he is wearing a suit made out of wallpaper and a Kaiser Wilhelm helmet made out of netting. This, Readers, is what passes for high fashion in Melbourne society….

And finally, because who could take much more of these people, we have model and celebrity Gabi Grecko, whom we met a few weeks ago, (25) accompanied by her fiancé, iffy billionaire Geoffrey Edelsten (71).

WTF is unsure which is worse – Gabi dressed as a burlesque raptor blow-up doll or Geoffrey dressed as a satin banana. Meanwhile Geoffrey’s hair is as improbable as anything WTF has ever seen, ever. 

Talking of Christmas, as we were earlier, this week’s It’s Got to Go comes courtesy of Emma from leafy North London who is yet again dreading the inevitable onslaught of shit, namely the yuletide presents from her in-laws. Emma asks (and WTF is with her here) why it is not socially acceptable simply to say “I don’t want any more crap tat from you, thank you very much, save your money”. Last year she got two balls of wool and a diet cookbook. Enough said. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There was veritable cornucopia of comments from you last week, so keep them coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got to Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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12 Responses to WTF Enquiry Into The Enquiry Special

  1. Laura says:

    Donatella’s ear lobes terrify me! Why is everything else lifted but the ear lobes are allowed to sag so alarmingly? Sometimes we need answers, as if life isn’t confusing enough.

    Richard Nylon hasn’t read the rules on “How to Dress” – pause before the mirror on the way out and remove one item. If he removed the sun burst he would look spendidly eccentric, unlike Matcho Subo who just looks fat around the middle and tacky.

    On the topic of child abuse, you are scratching the surface. Exposers have had their careers finished one whistle blower has been imprisoned twice (Jersey C.I.) people have died in strange fires and other dubious circumstances. There are some very influential people with an interest in making sure the truth is not known during their life time. Dead paedophiles and minor celebrities are being “outed” but they are just the “low hanging fruit”.

  2. Keith says:

    Excuse my impudence. I was on the verge of suggesting that our admirable correspondent would be a peerless Chair for the Enquiry. Unfortunately, her petulant comments about Melbourne suggest that she too would be compromised in any investigation into children. I am disappointed and if our correspondent should choose to visit Melbourne soon, I shall do all within my power to have her thoroughly body-cavity searched both on arrival and departure.

    • fashionshark
      fashionshark says:

      Dear Keith,

      IF WTF is ever in Melbourne she will be sure not to pop in….. oh hang on….However, she is confident in the knowledge that were mr and Mrs Keith invited to swan about at the Melbourne Gold Cup, they would be quite immaculately dressed.

  3. Joyce says:

    My question is: does Donatella actually look in the mirror- if yes what does she see? She’s actually paid $$$$$$ to look like that?

  4. Keith says:

    Well, in that case you’re forgiven and I give you the Chair.

  5. bridget says:

    Donatella is truly shocking, but Gabi Greko is wearing clowns! Children should be afraid, or perhaps she is planning on auditioning for the next series of Psychoville.

  6. Rona Steinberg – London, UK
    Rona Steinberg says:

    ‘why do women do this to themselves?’ women do not do this to themselves – doctors who are trained to heal people who are sick and in pain do this to women – enough said.

  7. *You recently mentioned “the victim community” on Twitter. Sounded like an inept politician using cliches. Had no idea about the context. Maybe my Texas politicians aren’t bigger SOBs than your English politicians. At least in Texas when we catch one with his pants down it’s with someone who is old enough to know better. 
    During one of Lyndon Johnson’s many political campaigns he told an aide to float a suggestion that his opponent liked little boys. The aide replied that there was neither evidence nor gossip to support the suggestion. Johnson said to do it anyway, “I just want to hear him deny it.”
    *Madonna is 56? When she started her career she was a year older than I was, but now I seem to have caught up with her. One of us lost count of our birthdays. I shouldn’t fuss too much. One of my grandmothers celebrated her 29th birthday 62 times.
    *I only know “Arsenic and Old Lace” from the movie with Cary Grant, but in the play Boris Karloff played the gangster who tried to hide his identity through plastic surgery. Unfortunately his surgeon was drunk and botched the surgery and as a result left him looking like Boris Karloff, or at least a very famous role he played. This led to a number of very funny lines about characters confusing movie posters with wanted posters. I think Donatella found his old plastic surgeon. It’s the only explanation I can think of. She looks as if she’s ready to play opposite Sigourney Weaver in “Alien”.

  8. Sarah Denby says:

    I was so hoping I would never have to see Madonna’s nipples. It happened anyway. And as for Donatella, she really does look ghoulish. Unbelievable that she paid who knows how much $$ and still has a face that would scare a dog…..

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