WTF Caledonian Special

Hallo Readers,

You know how it is. The marriage has been dysfunctional for a long time but you never thought it might actually end. You whinged and whined about her and she whinged and whined about you. Now divorce is looming with both sides turning nasty. You say she can’t keep the pound. She says you can have your bloody Trident back but she’s holding on to the oil and gas reserves.   How on earth did it come to this?

The Scottish Independence Referendum is both maddening and heart-breaking. WTF loves Scotland and the Scots even though she cannot always understand what some of them are saying. Their state education is better and their higher education is free. They hate Tories and forced Nigel Farage back over the Border. They resent the Tory governments foisted on them whom they neither voted for nor wanted. The Union’s Prime Minister is so unpopular North of the Border that he felt unable even to participate in the debate until panic stations forced him up there this week, snivelling piteously that they should not leave just because they hate him and his party. Instead the Defence of the Realm fell to Alastair Darling, a man so dull that you would rather throw yourself into the Clyde weighted down with a caber than have to listen to him. The No campaign was relentlessly negative, warning the Scots that without our currency they were heading headlong into Hellenic Economic Hell. On Wednesday the ante was upped with The Royal Bank of Scotland (which all UK taxpayers had to bail out to the tune of £65 bn.) and other Banks threatening to decamp South and retailers are warning of price rises for their Scottish stores. Is it any wonder that the polls are so finely balanced? Where is the passion? Did Lancelot woo Guinevere by telling her should she reject his affections, it would cost her more to shop at John Lewis? I think not… That said, the Yes campaign also has its deficiencies. It is enticing to promise an Independent Scotland without the Bedroom Tax and nuclear weapons and with a better NHS. But someone has to pay for it and Salmond, Sturgeon and Co have been vague about the figures, asserting that Scotland will retain the pound even when everyone in England says they won’t.  So it will go down to the wire. WTF prays for a No vote, for reasons of sentiment and also the fear that without the Scottish MPs, England and Wales will forever be condemned to a Tory Government. But if there is a Yes vote, we will have to ask ourselves whether we did enough to keep things together. We should have gone to marriage counselling a lot sooner…

To the week’s sartorial horrors, starting with the host of Australian X Factor Luke Jacobz  (stupid spelling and he made the name up anyway) wearing Gucci.

Readers, this is what enrages WTF. The wonky bow tie. The ridiculous velvet DJ two sizes too small with the buttons straining across his chest. The poncy scarlet shiny trousers. Wearing a DJ was once a guarantee of elegance but no longer. Look at Daniel Craig as James Bond wearing Tom Ford.  Now THAT is elegance.

Next we have Rita Ora wearing Nicholas Oakwell at the GQ after-party. (It should have gone in last week with the other GQ photos but WTF didn’t see it in time…..)

It is always an error to have things hanging from your crotch area as it creates a false impression and you end up looking like an incontinent yeti. Questions also have to be asked about the quiff, the eyeliner and the excessive amount of tit.

Next we go to the Toronto Film Festival and Robert Downey Jnr. wearing a very silly suit by Dior Homme, seen here with pregnant wife Susan Downey.

 Ah! They look so sweet together. WTF loves Robert like anything but even she cannot forgive the flowery suit (Dior, what are you doing?) worn with what appear to be hobnail boots.

This week’s It’s Got To Go has been nominated by a slew of Readers complaining about titsy but talentless celebrity Kelly Brook who has been flogging her autobiography “Close Up” about her famous boyfriends. She recounts how she punched not one but two of them (on separate occasions) full in the face. Professional geezer Jason Statham had been flirting with Gwyneth Paltrow and randy rugby player Danny Cipriani had just given his number to a Las Vegas stripper. Had either of them boasted of hitting two women in public to flog a book they would have been run out of town. So what’s the difference? What’s bad for the goose is bad for the gander.

We now visit New York Fashion Week starting with Kat Graham at Fashion  Rocks wearing ICB.

Kat is gorgeous but here are two things WTF hates with a passion- a leather bralet and a dropped crotch trouser – and she is wearing both of them together. Sigh…..

Then there was Rihanna wearing Alexander Wang.

The only explanation for this nonsense is that Rihanna is appearing in the new musical Paddington Bear Is Singin’ In The Rain. Meanwhile the shoes do not appear to be waterproof, although they are a lovely colour.

And then there was Lady Gaga attending the Harper’s Bazaar NYFW party not dressed as Mega-Mad Lady Gaga but as herself wearing Alexandre Vauthier. 

This is like something out of an old Western where the Saloon Floozy offers to service the Sheriff. There is much boobage and Gaga has clearly modelled this look on Madeline Khan as Lily von Schtupp in Blazing Saddles.

This one is BAD. Be warned. Here is Kris Jenner, ghastly matriarch of the Kardashian clan wearing Valentino. Readers of a delicate disposition may want to log off at this point because what follows is scarifying……

All together now…..AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH! Kris is 58 and a mother of 6. It is time to speak frankly. She looks like a creosoted sack of shit in this dress, not because it is not a nice dress as far as it goes but because it does not go far enough, exposing horrified onlookers to more ripples than a gallon of raspberry ripple and puckering arse cheeks. WTF suspects that part of the problem is that it is too tight around the hips, but it is hard to see how it would cover the essentials for anyone over 5’2″ (Kris is 5’5″). For this Sgr. Valentino is also much at fault. For £2,900, there needs to be more dress.


If you do not want to see virtually-bare breasts, please log off now and come back next Friday. Here is enfant terrible Miley Cyrus out in public in New York. New York was a dangerous place to be this week with tits coming at you from all directions….

WTF aficionado from Texas Andrew Purcell informs WTF that in the US, nipple covers are known as pasties. Be that howsoever it may be and whatever they may be called, they are not outdoor wear. In fact, they are not even wear. Miley love – we know you have a great body. We know this because you keep showing it to us. So now please put it away.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your top comments and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go rolling in and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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3 Responses to WTF Caledonian Special

  1. catsplat
    scat says:

    One loves wtf, and the sentiment and passion in the post is clear, Scotland should stay with the Union. However, for the sake of my own pedantry, I must note that RBS and Standard Life would not decamp, but as part of contingency plans should independence hapen, need to move some of their operations (note, not all, as the headlines decry) south of the border. Hopefully that would generate some much needed jobs for the north in return 😉 unfortunately it’s much more fun for the media to scream a headline rather than be sensible about it. Love, a non BT woman who doesn’t let the man in her life do the talking…

  2. I used to have a recurring nightmare that I was walking around in public dressed like Miley Cyrus. I used to wake up in a cold sweat and mightily relieved to find it was not real. (Personally, I think she is mentally ill)

  3. 1. An incontinent yeti? I have to remember not to read this while I’m eating lunch. Oh well, that what paper towels are for.
    2. Daniel Craig posing as James Bond is certainly elegant, but I would like to point out that a movie star being posed, made up, and lighted by Hollywood’s best professionals sets a standard that I’ll never meet. Even posed, lit, and made up by Hollywood’s best professionals I would still look more like that Australian X-Factor guy than Mr. Craig (although be assured, you will not see me wearing red pants, shiny or otherwise).
    3. Thanks for the citation. It made my week.

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