It is now official. Rebekah Brooks ran a newspaper empire without having the faintest fucking idea what went on in the newspapers she was in charge of. She didn’t know about the hacking. She didn’t know that Andy Coulson, her Deputy Editor (who succeeded her as Editor of the News of the World), a man with whom she also shared a bed, knew about the hacking. She thought that stories about A shagging B and what X told Y about Z came from fairies hovering over Wapping who sent little fairy-dust-wrapped parcels of prime gossip straight into the newsroom. The jury believed her but frankly WTF would have rather have pleaded guilty than put forward such a defence. After all, how bad could prison be in comparison with the ignominy of being known as The Woman Who Knew Nothing. Coulson was found guilty and faces further charges, leaving Call Me Dave looking foolish for employing him as his spin doctor. You could see that trouble was likely to arise given that Coulson had resigned in 2007 after the NoW Royal Editor, Clive Goodman, was banged up for tapping Prince Harry’s phone. Whilst the NoW management stoutly maintained that Goodman was a “rogue reporter” it has since trend out that hacking ran through the paper like rewriting through a stick of seaside rock. But Call Me Dave and George Osborne, whose idea the appointment was in the first place, thought otherwise. Good call, George.
What finally did for the paper was the shattering revelation that someone had hacked the phone of missing teenager Milly Dowler who was already dead. But they also hacked celebrities and royals and football agents to find out about their sex lives, casual criminality to bring you total triviality, the unspeakable in pursuit of the uninteresting. Not to detect crime or to bring you stories genuinely in the public interest. Just to let you know that Sienna Miller was giving one to Daniel Craig. Don’t forget that it was Coulson and Brooks who employed a Harry Potter correspondent, a reporter actually obliged to change his name and ponce about in a Harry Potter costume. On the day of 9/11, Coulson rebuked the hapless man for not having his costume to hand as “you never know when there will be a Harry Potter emergency” and Brooks ordered him to appear in it at the editorial conference the next day. And this is the woman over whom various Prime Ministers fawned and gurgled. Makes you feel proud to be British, doesn’t it?
Let us turn to the week’s fashion disasters starting with a trip to the ballsachingly trendy Chiltern Firehouse restaurant in London where you have to be a celebrity, or at least to know one, just to get past the door. Like Lily Allen here.
It is so short that she has posterior-peek.
The good news is that Lily retired, got married and had kids so that we were spared her gobby, smug interventions on topics various. The bad news is that she has come out of retirement and is flaunting herself around and about. Since Lily values plain speaking, here it is. There is nothing to like here, whether it is the ridiculous fake tan, the manky trainers, the horrible hair or the vulgar tee-shirt purporting to be a dress. Just go away.
And here we are in Milan for Men’s Fashion Week where we come upon Steven Tyler wearing Roberto Cavalli.
What the hell is he wearing? It is part Capt. Sparrow, part Gary Glitter. He looks like a total and absolute knob. Combining Tyler and Cavalli is lethal. You know, like mixing toilet cleaner and kitchen bleach lethal…..
To actress Li Bingbing wearing Erdem at the Hong Kong premiere of Transformers – Age of Extinction.
Oh my, this is bad. WTF has long deplored the trend of see-through trousers but these are see-through trousers OVER HOTPANTS and the crinkled legs make her appear to have a particularly bad case of cellulite.
Andreas is wearing a bed sheet and pretending to be a Roman Emperor in women’s shoes. Who knows why? As for Courtney, the dress is gorgeous but it seems a trifle, ahem, small around the tits department so that she looks as if she is suckling twins. Her shoes (also by Dame Viv) are fun.
This week’s It’s Got To Go is as obvious as obvious can be. It can only be Uruguayan lunatic Luis Suarez who has just bitten an opponent for the third time, this one during a World Cup game against Italy in front of 10 zillion viewers. It is obvious that Luis has dental issues and he needs to sort them out. FIFA, which is as much use as a handbrake on a canoe, has banned him for 9 international games and 4 months of any football activity but this is clearly inadquate, not least as the English season doesn’t start until mid-August. As for the Liverpool FC apologists who keep insisting that he is really a nice man who does a lot for charity – nice men don’t chomp other people. Fact. He’s Got To Go.
To Los Angeles and the Daytime Emmys where we meet a newcomer to these pages (welcome, welcome) actress Katherine Kelly Lang, star of long-running soap The Bold and The Beautiful wearing Ines de Santo.
Blimey. Her skirt seems to have become caught in her knickers as she fought to free herself from the black mesh monster. Even Dolly Parton would baulk at this one. As for the mermaid hair, it is a complete shocker.
Next we cross the Border to Canada and to the MuchMusic Awards co-presented by Kendall Jenner in Fausto Puglisi.
Sorry Joyce of Hong Kong. WTF promised you a Kardashian free zone and although technically it still is, Kendall is half-sister to Kim, Kourtney and Khloe and the daughter of their fearsome Momager Kris. Kendall, 18, is very pretty and is already making a name for herself as a catwalk model but there is zero excuse for her putting appalled onlookers in fear of an imminent Minge Moment. The unfortunate thing is that without those ridiculous look-at-my-minge splits, the dress would be lovely.
Back to L.A. and actress Kat Graham wearing Zara Bayne Leather.
Kat is stunning but this is a dismal way to treat a dead animal. WTF hates a leather bralet almost above all things and especially this one because it is also pointy, low-slung and too small. The tasselled skirt is bedecked with dried dog turds and given the nature of this warrior princess get-up, one can only assume that the bag is actually a weapon to bop people over the head with. If the producers are casting for the umpteenth series of Game of Thrones, they need look no further than Kat who has her own ready-made costume.
And now to the runaway winner of the WTF Summer Stinker 2014. This is bad, bad, BAD and Readers of a nervous disposition or averse to nearly naked men can log off knowing that the winner is TOWIE moron Bobby Norris. Lady Victoria Hervey was second. Bobby romped home with 33% of the vote wearing what WTF aficionado Leslie described as “an excellent example of the love child when dildoes & jock straps breed”. So either check out or check it out and either way let us meet again next Friday. Be good.