Hallo Readers,

On Sunday night WTF was thinking emigration, such was her despair at UKIP’s triumph in the European Elections. At one point she tweeted her intention to move to Scotland on the basis that there were no Tories and no UKIP only for a UKIP candidate to succeed there about 5 minutes later. As WTF’s nephew observed, this was a true Comical Ali moment. And the Scots went and elected a Tory as well so that was out. In Europe it was much worse. The Front National in France got 25% of the vote. The Danish People’s Party got 27%. The Germans elected a bloody neo-Nazi. Poland voted for the New Right Party led by a man who thinks women should be disenfranchised on the grounds that they are less intelligent than men. WTF’s current destination options are either Bora Bora or the Moon.

We keep being told that people voted UKIP as a “wake-up call” to politicians. They have to “start listening”. They have to “do something about immigration”. They have to “get Britain out of Europe”. But how exactly is this to be achieved? How do they stop the bogeymen coming in from Romania and moving in next door to Nigel Farage? We are in the EU and whilst we are in the EU, anyone in the EU can come in. We can’t just leave the EU without a referendum and in order to get the referendum Cameron promised us, he has to be re-elected first. What are politicians supposed to do about the immigrants here lawfully? And the children born here of the immigrants here lawfully? Can they stay? Can they stay if they stop talking in foreign languages on the train and upsetting Nigel Farage? And what about equal marriage? Some Tory voters were turned off by Cameron’s endorsement of it. So does he have to repeal that law and annul the marriages that have since taken place before they will vote for him again? 

We are also told that people will go back to voting Tory, Labour or Lib Dems (who are currently fighting amongst themselves like ferrets in a sack). But will they? And even if they do, it is too late to put the genie back into the bottle. Racism and bigotry have been made respectable. A survey this week disclosed that 3% of people would describe themselves as “very racist” and a further 27% would describe themselves as  “a little racist”. And they are just the ones telling the partial truth. The party whose leader has drawn a distinction between Romanians and Germans (“you know what the difference is”) and whose fruit loop members descry Islam and gays and call women sluts if they don’t clean behind the fridge has just won the European Elections. WTF finds that shocking and depressing. And frightening. And you should be too because those voters are your fellow citizens.

We move onto something frivolous to distract us, the week’s fashion faux pas starting at the British Soap Awards. This is Hollyoaks “actress” Nikki Sanderson wearing Zeynep Kartal.

This Zeynep is a pest, designing vile dresses for soap celebrities. Last year she put Gemma Merna in lime green leather with tits and now she has dressed Nikki from the same show as a flouncy loo-roll holder. Yurgle.

This week, sad Britons have been subjected to torture-by-television in the form of 4 solid days of so-called semi-finals of Britain’s Got Talent. It hasn’t, not on this showing. (“Semi” means half – how can you have 4 halves? Just asking). Here is one of the judges, Alesha Dixon, wearing Alexander Wang and La Perla.

If you think the top looks like a swimsuit, that’s because it is – and it costs £290. It is worn with a skirt made out of trousers. But the thing attracting WTF’s particular opprobrium is the tassel necklace for which La Perla has the impudence to charge £986. Mind you, it can always double as a fly screen, although Alesha could have saved herself a fortune by nipping down to the local DIY emporium.

Of course, how could we possibly ignore the newlyweds, the William and Kate of the United States, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? Here they are wearing Maison Martin Margiela venturing forth for their pre-wedding dinner. At Versailles. Like you do.

The wedding had been rammed down our throats for so long that we can but breathe a deep sigh of relief that it is all over. As an exhibition of gargantuan excess, it would have appalled even Versailles’ former resident Marie Antoinette. Kim is tit-taped into a sheet with silk lapels and Kanye is all matchy-matchy with his man-cleavage. They both look ridiculous. The expression “more money than sense” is made flesh. Only with more money. And more flesh.

This week’s It’s Got to Go will not detain us long. The 2022 World Cup in Qatar. In summer, it is hotter than hell on a hot day. The Government stinks. The traffic is already appalling. Qataris are outnumbered 5-1 by servants and support staff who are treated like shit. The morons at FIFA failed to notice any of this, you know because it is so difficult to find this stuff out and awarded Qatar the tournament, which they have had to move to the winter, thereby disrupting the football season. And workers shipped in from the Indian subcontinent are dying in their droves to construct the stadiums. 500 at the last count. All this just to play football. It’s Got To Go. And FIFA with it. 

To Cannes for the last knockings of the annual film festival where some sartorial horrors lurked.  First we have Julianne Moore wearing Chanel.

WTF loves Julianne but she looks like a flapper dressed as a yeti. Or possibly like a yeti dressed as a flapper. It will not do. Chanel is going down the pan quicker than a bulimic’s breakfast.

And now we have French actress Tonie Marshall wearing Jean Paul Gaultier accompanied by the man himself.

 No, honestly, What The Actual Fuck? They are both leathered up like a couple of lived-in sofas. Fashioning a dress out of a biker jacket is a new one to WTF and she is glad of it. Just because they are both in their 60’s does not mean they have to stay at home drinking Ovaltine but equally there is no need to populate the Red Carpet dressed as Billy Idol’s grandparents.

To Naomi Campbell’s birthday party and one of her guests, supermodel Jourdan Dunn (the new face of Maybelline).

WTF doesn’t even know what this is. But whatever it is, she shouldn’t be wearing it.

Next we go to the World Music Awards and meet the rather brilliant Belgian singer, Stromae né Paul van Haver.

He sounds better than he looks. Because he sounds great but he looks like an idiot. He appears to have grown out his trousers. Either that or they have shrunk in the wash. As for burgundy socks and shoes and a cushion-cover velvet jacket – Non. Vraiment. Non.

Mariah Carey can always be relied upon to be OTT with knobs on and here she is very OTT with mega-knobs on wearing Zuhair Murad.

Zuhair should have used another bucketful of those sparkly baubles to cover Mariah’s chest and more for the minge mask. Diamantés may be forever but there simply aren’t enough of them for this dress. The Diva-de-Luxe was 4 hours late for her performance and WTF can only surmise that she was hanging around, surrounded by seamstresses, waiting in vain for the extra shipment ….

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x