WTF Calm Down Dear Special

Hallo Readers,

Baroness Trumpington is a feisty old thing. She looks like one of those women in Midsomer Murders entertaining D.I. Barnaby and his sidekick to tea whilst other villagers are murdered in their droves by one of the many homicidal maniacs resident in the parish. She is 91 years young, was one of the code breakers at Bletchley Park and has grown old disgracefully (WTF approves of any member of the House of Lords who gives two fingers IN THE CHAMBER to a fellow Tory who had annoyed her by saying she looked old). She tells the story of appearing in front of a Tory selection committee in Cambridgeshire many moons ago. The interviewers consistently got her name wrong, calling her Mrs Baker not Mrs Barker and then asked her why she was not already an MP. She told them it was because of selection committees like them, burst into tears and walked out. She never did become an MP but eventually she was appointed to the House of Lords as a Tory peer and became Minister of Agriculture at the age of 69. Last Sunday, M’Lady popped up on Sky News discussing why only 22% of MPs are women. Despite her own experiences, she did not feel that the Tories had a problem with women. According to her “if you’ve got it, you’ll get it”. WTF hopes that M’Lady is not one of those women like Baroness Thatcher who, having got to the top of the ladder, then pulls it up behind her. 

Call Me Dave and little Cleggy like to portray themselves as New Men, uxorious and forward thinking but actions speak louder than words. Here are the facts. 16% of Tory MPs are women although the Lib Dems are even worse with 12%. In contrast, 43% of Labour MPs are women. Only 5 women (15%) attend Cabinet (including Baroness Warsi who is not actually a member of it) despite Dave’s promise to have at least one third of his Cabinet female by the end of the Parliamentary term. In which case he had better look snappy about it because there are only 15 months left. We recall little Cleggy’s “handling” of the Lord Rennard fiasco and it was Dave who told Opposition front bencher Angela Eagle to “calm down dear” and on another occasion joked that maverick Tory MP Nadine Dorries was “extremely frustrated”. Oh how we laughed. 

Were further evidence required, we need only look at the recent systematic removal of female Labour members of various QANGOs like Lisa Jardine from the Human Fertilisation & Embryology, Suzi Leather from the Charity Commission, Sally Morgan from Offsted, Liz Forgan from the Arts Council and Diana Warwick from the Human Tissue Authority, all replaced by Tories and not just by Tories but by male Tories. It may be a coincidence. And then again it may just be that Dave and Michael Gove and their cohorts feel more comfortable surrounded by chaps or, deep down, don’t believe that women are really up to it although you have to have a few around to make it look as if you are with the programme.  As for Baroness Trumpington’s view that it is all a question of ability, WTF has two words for you – Grant Shapps. Whatever the explanation for this paucity of women surrounding Dave and little Cleggy, ability ain’t it. 

Many of you are still reeling from last week’s cornucopia of crotch and is it any wonder? This week celebs various were out at Superbowl parties, film premieres and the amFAR Gala showing their all despite the fact that we have already seen it or don’t want to see it or don’t care either way. Here is a good example in the shapely form of actress Tika Sumpter wearing Milly.

The poor girl will catch her death of cold going out in this cutout white leather skirt over black leather hot pants and worn with a bralet more suited to the beach. There is only one word appropriate for this – trashy. Or three words – trashy as fuck.

Going somewhat to the other extreme, we now have Perrie Edwards from Little Mix landing at Heathrow in a most remarkable garment by OnePiece.

This is a giant babygrow (the zip goes from left ankle to right ankle via the crotch) leaving a lot of room to smuggle contraband (HMRC take note) or  to store your iPad, clean knickers and reading matter. WTF also feels compelled to point out that the outfit shortens her legs like one of the Seven Little People with Dwarfism. In her case, Dopey.

We now meet model Alyssa Miller at the amFAR Gala in New York.

A see-through red lace crop top worn with genitalia curtains. Classy.

On the other hand, model Coco Rocha is positively draped in fabric, wearing Jean Paul Gaultier Couture.

For some reason, Coco has chosen to attend the event dressed as Ming the Merciless. What’s with the cape? The whole thing is awfully swirly. Correction  – the whole thing is awful.

Last one from amFAR in the form of the magnificent Vanessa Redgrave and her daughter Joely Richardson.

Vanessa (who looks fantastic at 77) is a picture of elegance. Joely, however, is wearing a nasty nighty from the BHS sale rail. What that flower has to do with anything, WTF cannot say.

WTF is a huge fan of Coronation Street (although it has nearly as many homicides as Midsomer Murders) and loves Beverley Callard who plays tarty pub landlady Liz McDonald. Bev is also a brave campaigner for mental health charities. But….

She looks like an unexploded bomb dropped by some stray Messerschmidt around the time Baroness Trumpington was breaking the Code at Bletchley Park. It is also a tad short. Memo to Bev – Spanx. 

This is model Tyson Beckford. He is gorgeous. His outfit, alas, is not.

A creased silk tuxedo with black silk lapels worn with a wonky bow tie (what IS it with men and wonky bow ties?) leather gloves, pyjama bottoms, red socks and studded slippers. It makes no sense – unless he is sneaking off later to meet up with Joely for a pyjama party.

We pause for this week’s It’s Got To Go in which WTF from Islington wishes to raise the issue of the unequal distribution of genitalia in modern day movies. This week WTF and pals went off to see The Wolf of Wall Street (memo to Martin Scorsese – you could have cut an hour and it would have been better. Just saying). WTF had barely removed the cap from her overpriced mineral water than she got an eyeful of female pudenda in closeup and there was much more as the evening wore on. However, Leonardo di Caprio’s dangly bits  or indeed any bits were not on display and neither were those of any other male character. The men even shagged with their clothes on.

Let me be clear – WTF is not interested in seeing anyone’s naughty bits onscreen although she is sure that Leo’s are very acceptable. But this really is a case is what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. One out, all out – or none at all.

Next up we have Jasmin Walia off TOWIE at the London premiere of Robocop  wearing a “dress” by Rene K Couture.

Couture? This tawdry pelvic peekfest is couture? You might as well say that KFC is haute cuisine. Those of you paying attention will recognise this dress as a carbon copy of the ones featured in last week’s post When Did Women Stop Wearing Proper Clothes Special.  Memo to Jasmin – Paris Hilton and Joanna Krupa are not role models, love. Trust me on this one.

Finally, WTF brings you supermodel Jessica White at the GQ Superbowl Party wearing a Kora Rae bustier and what appears to be a silk nappy….

What the hell are those witches’ flaps? WTF has struggled to find an explanation for Jessica popping up in this preposterous getup and can only conclude that she was planning to jump out of a cake. 

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week but let us meet again next Friday. Last week the comments came pouring in, making WTF’s heart (and head) swell with pride. More please, as well as your always excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Be Good x

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12 Responses to WTF Calm Down Dear Special

  1. The Lady E says:

    WTF – that ain’t Alyssa Milano! The girl in the curtains is much prettier than the pointy chinned 80’s child actress. I grew up watching her on Who’s The Boss and was in awe of her curly perm – granted she’s grown out of that phase, but the chin remains, as ever, pointed.

  2. Sue says:

    Your best this week was the unexploded bomb comment, laughed for 10 minutes! Keep up the good work.

  3. sairsebourke says:

    Perrie Edwards is clearly trying to get round Ryanair’s restrictions on carry on luggage.

    As for Bev Callard, I can only assume that she has gone to a fancy dress party as a Bury black pudding.

  4. In order:
    I’m enough of a historian to recognize the references to Bletchley Park. Didn’t think many of them would be mentioned outside the obituary reports these days.
    I had to look up QANGO:
    “quasi-autonomous non-governmental organisation”
    Talk about an concept that is so fuzzy that it doesn’t really mean anything.
    An English semi-quasi-superstar rock band used it as a name in 1999, and Google listed them first.
    Wonky is redundant when used to describe bow ties. All bow ties are wonky no matter what gender neck they are wrapped around. I would wear one only if I were also wearing a big red round circus clown nose.

    • fashionshark
      fashionshark says:

      it’s a nice sinecure and keeps the wolf from the door….

      As for Bow ties Etonians and waiters wear them properly, why can’t celebs?

      • Etonians are outside my area of competence.
        The waiters at the restaurants I patronize wear paper hats rather than bow ties, and they often ask me if I’d like fries with my order. Besides, a bow tie on a tee shirt that reads “Buzzard Billy’s” would look silly.

  5. Belle says:

    Isn’t Beverley Callard a little (cough) mature to be pregnant?

  6. Sarah Denby says:

    I want to see Baroness Trumpington in her non-graceful old age. And Vanessa Redgrave does look fantastic–too bad she couldn’t persuade her daughter to wear a bra!! Yucko.

  7. sairsebourke says:

    The Russian winter Olympics kit has got to go. It takes oligarch chavvy chic to new lows. The men’s curling trousers are particularly noteworthy. Whoever designed those horrors deserves a one way ticket to Siberia. Having spent $30bn on the games, they surely could have held back on a few bungs to Putin’s mates and nipped to Lillywhites and got a tasteful PE kit for their athletes instead

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