Hallo Readers,

Or should that be “evening all?” Once upon a time there was Dixon of Dock Green, the 1960s TV friendly neighbourhood cop played by avuncular Jack Warner. The 21st century remake of Dixon would be very different. For a start, the old bugger would have retired at 50 with his index-linked pension and would either be running a bar in Marbella frequented by the very people he used to nick or would be appearing regularly as a pundit on This Morning. Meanwhile, his successors would not be out walking the pavements, patting young lads on the head and helping grannies across the road. They would be stopping and searching the young lads (those from ethnic minorities anyway) and arresting the  grannies for jaywalking. Or they would be fitting up members of the public for failing the attitude test.

WTF has previously written about Andrew Mitchell and the incident in Downing Street. The Met coppers are still investigating the Downing Street coppers and half a million quid later there is no decision although everyone now believes that Mitchell was done like a kipper, possibly as part of a police campaign against cuts. This week the plot thickened.  Just after the original Plebgate incident, 3 West Midlands coppers, Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest, asked Mitchell (who is a West Midlands MP) for a “clear the air” meeting. They then went straight  outside and told the media scrum that Mitchell had not told them what he had said and that his position was “untenable”. An audio tape proved that this was untrue because Mitchell had given them his version of what he had said. Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest were then investigated by their own Forces. Initially  disciplinary action had been recommended but the recommendation then melted away and they are all back upholding law and order. The Independent Police Complaints Commission brought all this to light with some disapprobation and ever since then the Media has been awash with Chief Constables various explaining why these men are still serving and Police & Crime Commissioners various (men as useful as a chocolate teapot)  either admitting that nobody had told them anything  or asserting that everything was all above board. 

Who cares whether a Tory Cabinet Minister gets shafted? The answer is that we should all care.  Shocked citizens have been telling us that if the police can do this to a posh Cabinet Minister, they can do it to anyone which is a joke because we already know that they do it to anyone.  They do it to ethnic and religious minority groups every day. They did it to the Guildford 4 and to the Birmingham 6 and to the 96 at Hillsborough and to many others. People have died in custody or on the streets.  The current inquest into the death of Mark Duggan is dealing with very serious allegations against the police. But if anyone who used to wallow in the luxury of “we have the best police force in the World” now realises that no one is safe, not toffs, not anyone, so much the better. We need to someone to sort this out, to  hand out the P45s to racists and liars and worse. Until then we have the police we deserve because we have not done enough to make them different. And perhaps our Home Secretary should stop telling other people to apologise to Mitchell and get on and do her job instead.

 Let us pass to the sartorial horrors of the week. Say hallo to mega-blogger Perez Hilton  at the Elton John Aids Foundation gala.

 Will Perez feature himself in his weekly review of worst dressed celebritees? If he does not, it will be the biggest press scandal since the last one. This is a most unusual look, best described as Nehru meets Justin Bieber meets Osborne & Little. At least Perez is happy. Look at him. He makes Jim Carrey look like the before in an advertisement for tooth whitener.

Here is former Pussycat Doll Ashley Roberts at the premiere of the new Jackass movie wearing  a onesie by Lavish Alice.

WTF is besotted by her 3 year old goddaughter who is the most beautiful little girl in the history of little girls (not that I am biased or anything) and these tiger’s head dungarees would look adorable on her (but not perhaps the see- through crop top). On a 32-year-old woman, however, they look absurd.

Here is Georgina Chapman, the designer behind Marchesa,  wearing Marchesa.

Georgina has fabulous hair and cheekbones to die for but the outfit is a dud. WTF is reminded of those sci-fi movies where someone looks normal until they start glowing and you get to see their innards, every sinew, muscle and blood vessel. Great shoes though..

And now we have Alan Cumming looking like a prat. Although, to be fair, that sentence is tautologous.

No man should ever wear a sheer shirt (may I refer you to Corey Feldman, featured last year) and certainly no man of Alan’s age should ever wear one, not least one this nasty and slithery. The rest of the ensemble sucks. Alan would also be well advised to buy a comb to avoid looking like a baby hedgehog.

To the Attitude Awards held this week in London. Frankly, the attitude in question seemed to be to flash as much flesh as possible. Readers, what follows is bad and WTF urges you to be brave. Think Virginia McKenna as Violet Szabo in Carve Her Name with Pride (what do you mean you have never seen it?). I refer to 3 beautiful women wearing a load of shite designed by WTF bugbear Julien Macdonald, currently twirling away on Strictly Come Dancing.  Assaults of this type should be punishable with imprisonment.

Julien’s first victim is singer Eliza Doolittle.

Eliza looks as if she has rolled in crazy paving, what with the pathway leading to the crotch department and the cleavage dips to her navel.  Genitalia curtains and cleavage in  such quantities are unacceptable on a Bangkok ladyboy.  Meanwhile, as well as no front, there is also no back and only half the sleeves.

There is not much dress and a lot of Eliza. In WTF’s opinion, this is the wrong way round.

Second victim is model and WAG Abbey Clancy.

Abbey is married to beanpole Peter Crouch, an average footballing talent who exploited his inordinate height (6’7″) to play for England and earn a fortune.  Think long-legged donkey with extra leg. Indeed, when asked what he would have been had he not been a footballer, Peter (with commendable frankness) replied “a virgin”. Abbey, who is also twirling away on Strictly Come Dancing, seems not to have eaten a full meal since 2010 and has plumped up her lips to the size of a couple of pillows. Julien has put her into another Minge Moment dress and although Abbey is wearing a black body-thingy, her bum cheeks are on display and we do not need to see them.

Julien’s final victim is singer Ellie Goulding.

Let us be clear. This dress, not that it is a dress, is unwearable but Ellie has made it worse with her very visible Spanx. This is one of the ugliest dresses ever like an exploding  mermaid squashed by a disco ball. How Ellie avoided whipping herself to death onstage is a mystery and as for the trainers, WTF prefers not to speak of them…. At some point, and please Lord make it very, very soon, women will start wearing actual clothes. At the moment, a woman, including a talented woman, cannot go out in public without baring her all as if she exists for the sole purpose of flaunting her body for male delectation. This objectification is demeaning and insulting. Stop it. Now.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x