For a man with an ego as large as his, it is no surprise that Boris Johnson loves a vanity project. After all, whose vanity is projected more on the long- suffering British public than Johnson’s? Londoners have already had to put up with £300,000 water cannons that he was never allowed to use, with his ridiculous cable car and then with the Garden Bridge, which managed to fritter away £60m of ratepayers’ money without a brick laid or a footing dug. Boris is very good at spending other people’s money, as we saw with his recent, albeit ultimately stymied, redecoration of no 10. Now Johnson has a new notion – a Royal Yacht. Two hundred million pounds worth, to be called The Prince Philip. In the middle of a pandemic.
No one, including HMQ, wants a Royal Yacht. Except Johnson. The Palace has let it be known that she was not consulted about this plaything and that she was not consulted about its name. Had she been consulted on either, there would have been a very different outcome. Be that as it may, Johnson is sailing full steam ahead. He intends to use this folly to help secure trade deals post Brexit, although why Australia, New Zealand, India or anywhere would want to trade with us based on the fact that Liz Truss, Secretary of State for Trade, is standing on the poop as it bobs into harbour, WTF cannot say. Perhaps the idea is to have a Royal on board. Prince Andrew used to have that gig as Trade Ambassador but he is now confined to quarters by his mum. Prince Harry has absented himself from these shores, leaving Wills and Kate, Edward and Sophie or Charles and Camilla to do the honours.
The best part is that the yacht will probably not even be built in the UK. It would be in breach of a WTO agreement apparently. You remember the WTO? It was going to be our saviour after we gave the Europeans the heave-ho. So the yacht will have to be built abroad, and £200m will not even enrich some of our boaty citizens who have to pay for it out of their hard earned taxes. That just about sums upon this Government.The only good thing is that given its record of handing huge contracts to its pals, at least it will not be feathering their nests on this occasion.
We start our review of the week’s clothing chaos with The Former Guy addressing a Republican shindig in Greenville North Carolina. WTF has a question for you after you have surveyed the photograph. Ready?
Here is the question. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE THOSE TROUSERS????????? Take a closer look……
Now as you know, Readers, criticism is alien to WTF’s nature, but these trousers are abominable, even by TFG’s standards. On the night, Twitter was awash with speculation that they were on back to front or that they were incontinence pants. In fact, it turns out that TFG was wearing trousers with a fly and it was just a trick of the light. Be that howsoever it may be, the trewsies are deeply shocking and those crotch creases are, to say the least, puzzling, resembling a blue concertina.
Next up, we are at the CMT Music Awards in Tennessee with singer Lauren Alaina.
These are trousers. Oh, and a skirt thingy. And a fluffy negligee thing, which makes her seem to have a vaporised left tit. Whatever it is, it is frightful.
Now we are at the TV BAFTAs in London with presenter AJ Odudu wearing Tran Hung.
It is quite something to combine a dress which looks like one of those fluffy birdie pencils with an Imminent Minge Moment, but AJ has managed it.
And then there was Strictly Come Dancing presenter Claudia Winkleman, wearing Taller Marmo.
Speaking for herself, WTF is bored-as-bored-can-be-without-becoming-comatose-bored by Claudia’s heavy fringe and blackened eye schtick and the last time she saw an outfit like that, it was on Michael J Fox as Marty McFly.
Here is a newcomer, Golda Rosheuvel (who was Queen Caroline in Bridgerton), wearing Simone Rocha.
As WTF has observed before, there is quirky and there is stark raving mad. Like this. WTF can but conclude that Golda’s next role is as the Red Queen in another remake of Alice in Wonderland.
He is back! Of course he is! It’s actor Billy Porter attending a drive-in screening of the final series of Pose. Who even knows what this is, except that the shoes are by Rick Owens.
If the Artful Dodger went to a fancy dress party as a bedraggled 18th century doxy with tins cans on her feet, this is what he would look like.
And finally, we have model, influencer and Kylie Jenner’s best friend, Anastasia Karanikolaou, also known as Stassie.
Stassie has ten million followers on Instagram, which is horrific enough. Even worse, she was GOING OUT TO DINNER in a leotard with a tit window, fishnet tights and matching boots. But that is not the worst bit. CAREFUL NOW!!!!!
No. NO!!!!!!! WTF is fed up with arse cheeks. Stassie has won the Mitchell Brothers Gleaming Bald Heads Prize. WTF has awarded it before and is forced to do it again but hopes she will not have to award it ever again. Please, ladies – just stop it.
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Susie in South-East London, who has had enough of Michael Crawford lookalikey, the Secretary of State for Education Gavin Williamson.
Gavin is a shockingly bad Education Secretary who has messed up the future of a whole generation of schoolkids. But despite having loads of stuff to worry about, Gavin spent the week ranting about the graduate students at Magdalen College Oxford – all ten of them – who voted to remove HMQ’s portrait from their common room. Susie, who has a school-age son, expresses a strong desire to punch Gavin on the nose. She also points out that when he was a failed fireplace salesman in an earlier life, he had an affair with a colleague behind his wife’s back and she and WTF are both astounded that there are at least TWO women who once wanted to go to bed with this man. Gavin has Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Let us meet again next Friday. And keep those splendid suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your top comments. Be good x.