Hallo Readers,

Remember The Eagles’ warbling on about Hotel California?

‘Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
“Relax, ” said the night man,
“We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!’

Britain is now offering you Hotel Heathrow. You have to check in whether you  like it or not, and you can only leave after ten days. And by ‘leave’, WTF does not just mean leave the hotel. She means leave the hotel room in which you and yours will be incarcerated for the full stay, forced to make your own bed with only a quick exercise break outside while accompanied by a burly security person to make sure that you do not skedaddle. And it gets worse. Not only is there nothing to eat but airline food, which is left on a tray outside your room (maybe they should shave the doors a bit and just push the tray underneath), but you have to pay for your stay as well. And not even the rack rent, but a set rate of £1,750  (£2,400 for two adults in the room)  and you do not get to find a cheaper price on Booking.com.  The Daily Mail had a picture of a room in one hotel in Heathrow, and frankly anyone stuck in there would have a slam dunk claim of cruel and unusual punishment against Matt Hancock because if there is an uglier carpet in Middlesex, WTF has yet to see it…..

So what is going on? Well, one year after other countries started doing it, the Government has realised that letting people wander in and out of the country willy-nilly, importing all manner of unpleasant Covid variants, is a Bad Thing. Who knew? (Answer- anyone with a braincell). From Monday 15 February,  travellers arriving from 33 ‘red list’ countries have to quarantine for 10 days in a designated hotel booked before you arrive in Blighty. If you do not pre-book, you can be fined up t0 £4,000 and you still have to check into one of the said hotels and you still have pay for your stay there. Should you try and pull a fast one and lie about your point of departure, you could face ten years in prison or a fine of £10,000. Ten years! People murder their grannies and they get out in less time….

Of course, this has not gone down well. Brits like a bit of sunshine and a chance to neck down the duty free before running around some foreign resort  with their arses hanging out of brightly patterned shorts and then passing out in a pile of vomit on the pavement. Think Newcastle’s Bigg Market with better weather. But a trip abroad is a lot less tantalising if you have to hole up in an overpriced hotel on your return looking at ugly carpets and eating lukewarm chicken casserole which is light on the chicken and heavy on the chemicals. Look, WTF gets it, she really does. It is nice going abroad. After virtually a year of lockdown, everyone is sick of the sight of their own walls. But come on people – isn’t saving lives and not endangering your own more important?

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial slip-ups with Aussie rapper Iggy Azalea wearing clingy things.

A Minge Moment and a side helping of side boob. Not nice. She looks like a titsy robot in combat boots.

Next, we have singer Jennifer Lopez wearing Versace at her stylist’s house. In fact, she subsequently went out to a party wearing the silvery version of this ‘dress’ , which was even sheerer than the black version.

OK, gents who like ladies, and ladies who like ladies, put your eyeballs back into their sockets. Yes, she is sexy as hell (and amazing for her age etc. etc), but that is still no reason why she has to go around looking like Charlotte Rampling in The Night Porter and generally resembling a sado-masochist’s wet dream. 

Every year Americans get very excited about the final of their rubbish version of football, which is not football at all but a load of big blokes running into each other with extreme prejudice. WTF would rather stick a rusty fork into her lady parts than endure the Superbowl, but it does provide some very bad fashion. This year gave us rapper Offset wearing something purple and puffy in Florida.

For reasons best known to himself, Offset is wearing what appears to be a large amount of bubble wrap and seems to be about to be posted. WTF is with Lady Bracknell on this point. On learning that eligible batchelor Jack Worthing, who wants to marry her daughter Gwendoline, was left as a baby in a handbag at Victoria Station, she explodes ‘You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter – a girl brought up with the utmost care – to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel?’.  

Offset in fact formed an alliance with rapper Cardi B, who is known to regular Readers as needing to be more wrapped up, rather than less. Here she is, wearing an Ottolinger ‘outfit’ and Bottega Veneta sandals….

Do Offset and Mrs Offset not talk about the weather before they venture out? He is dressed for the Antarctic while she is dressed for, er, Florida, and is doing a good impression of a creme caramel with tits, strings, water wings and what appear to be bedroom slippers. And question – how does she pull up her leggings with those nails?

This is NFL star Shaquil Barrett in a very lairy suit. He plays for the winning side, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Umm…well it is certainly striking. In the same way as being punched in the face is striking.  When you are a top American footballer, you clearly have the swagger to appear on TV wearing a chequered tea towel and more chains than  an H Samuel warehouse.

And finally, another NFL star Derrick Henry.  He won the NFL 2020 Award for the Best Offensive Player. Readers may care to know that  this refers to his position of play, not his taste in clothes, although he is as deserving of a prize for the latter as for the former.  If you have a pair of sunglasses to hand, put them on now……. 

WTF can but conclude that Derrick was either having a laugh or was sponsored by Stabilo Boss…..

This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from stalwart and aficionado Yvonne from the snowy Borders, who noticed a tweet from Bella Caledonia, like Yvonne, a proponent of Scottish Independence. They were both amused to note that someone South of the Border had expressed the bright idea of sending the Queen’s youngest son, Prince Edward, and his fragrant wife Sophie,  to take up residence at Holyrood Palace in Edinburgh. The purpose of this is to let them attend loads of events and to make the Scots embrace the concept of keeping the Union.

WTF has heard some crap ideas in her time but this one is a real doozy. Prince Edward, aka the Earl of Forfar, is as much use as tits on a fish and has done nothing of note since 1987 when he persuaded his siblings to take part in It’s a Royal Knockout, one of the worst programmes in TV history. If anything is set to send our Caledonian cousins rushing into the arms of Nicola Sturgeon, these two are it. Whoever thought up this one Has Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in as they keep WTF chipper, and don’t forget your splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again on next Friday. Be good and stay safe.