Yes, it is that time of the year AGAIN!!! I refer to the WTF Summer Stinker 2018 where 16 appalling fashion horrors await your judgment as to who deserves the coveted prize for the worst dressed person of the year so far. The contestants are all arranged in first name alphabetical order, denoting no preference on WTF’s part because everyone looks like a sack of shit – and this is being kind. All you have to do is to select as many horrors as you want (none of that Single Transferable Vote malarkey here) and vote away, as often as you like, and, should you choose to do so, leaving unpleasant comments to go with your votes. The results will be announced on Friday 22 June in next week’s blog.
Meanwhile, WTF is restating some basic WTF fashion rules because she cannot stand to see the same errors again and again.
1. There is never any excuse for a Minge Moment.
2. It is sadly the fact that the fatter the leg, the shorter the skirt. THIS IS BAD.
3. Bum cheeks should not be on display. Ever.
4. Your boobs are not tip top over a certain age and need a bra. You will know when that is. It is when they do not stand up on their own.
5. If you are big, strapless is not your friend. It leads to back tits and spilth. Desist.
6. Breasts are not supposed to be globular.
7. Underwear is not outerwear. The clue is in the name.
8. Leggings are not trousers. See no 3 above.
1. If your jacket is so short it barely covers your bum, it is too short – unless you are a bell-hop or a tango dancer.
2. If your jacket does not fit when buttoned up, it is too small. Take a size up.
3. If your trousers hover high above your ankles, you will look Silly. Fact.
4. Men wearing brogues without socks is inexcusable.
5. Men wearing socks and sandals is also inexcusable.
6. If men are to display their feet in sandals or flip-flops, GET A PEDICURE. Crusty feet and cracked heels are horrible to behold.
7. Trainers should not be worn with a suit. Ever.
And for both sexes:
People are not supposed to be orange. Yes, I mean you Donald J. Trump.
OK READERS OFF YOU GO!!! GET VOTING! VOTE EARLY AND VOTE OFTEN! AND SPREAD THE WORD!!!!!
Here they are:
1. Adam Rippon, Olympic gold medal swimmer, wearing Moschino.
Adam turned up at the Oscars looking like the Gimp from Pulp Fiction, courtesy of Moschino designer Jeremy Scott (of whom, more below) who ‘customised’ his suit. Further, if sporting bare ankles with a DJ is not a capital offence, then it should be.
Albanian songstress Bleona specialises in turning up at big occasions (in this case, the Vanity Fair Oscars party) wearing not very much; but this time, she gave the barrel a final scrape and came out with her nips on show under a sparkling fishing net.
3. Dascha Polanco, actress, wearing who knows what.
Dascha attended the BeautyCon event in New York dressed as Sesame Street’s Elmo in a frilly skirt and oversized white bra. The only question more pressing than ‘why would anyone wear this?’ is ‘why would anyone design this?’
4. Frankie Grande, dancer, (seen here with Erika Jayne) wearing who knows what.
The last time WTF saw legs like that, they were on Popeye. Everything here is execrable, from the badger’s bum hair to the silver DJ with wonky bow tie to the terrible trainers. And his exposed limbs are more orange than an orange.
5. Gillian McKeith, TV nutritionist, wearing who knows what.
Gillian was cruelly robbed of the coveted WTF Christmas Turkey 2017 by Lewis Hamilton, who nipped in at the last bend following some ill-considered remarks about his toddler nephew wearing a dress. So here she is again, wearing something equally as horrible as last year’s effort, and resembling a dusty cobweb in the corner of a haunted house, teamed with a lace waistcoat and some of the ugliest shoes ever to hit the last.
6. Isabella Rossellini, actress, wearing Dolce & Gabbana.
Why the lovely Isabella allowed Dolce & Gabbana to wrap her in the lovechild of an opera poster and a cardinal’s cassock, WTF cannot say, but she can say with every confidence that it was a cardinal error. And then some….
7. Jeremy Scott, designer, wearing Jeremy Scott.
Only the ridiculous Jeremy Scott could turn a pinstriped suit jacket into a breast-baring toga worn with a falconry glove and sunglasses worn indoors.
8. Joy Villa, would-be politician, wearing something of her own design.
Joy was principally known for turning out at big-ticket events wearing something extremely stupid. She then became a Trump acolyte and took to the Alt-Right like a fish to water, as evidenced by her white ball gown hand-painted with a foetus and matching handbag in a Right To Life slogan.
9. Lady Gaga, singer, wearing Gareth Pugh.
Lady Gaga prowled the streets, not wearing leopard but actually as one, complete with leopard leggies and furry paws. Grrrrrhhhhhhh……
10. Nico Tortorella, actor, wearing who knows what.
WTF does not even know what to say about this get-up, a sort of brocade one-sleeved ensemble that the Queen might have worn (but with two sleeves) 50 years ago, and matching brogues.
11. Nya Lee, stripper turned rapper, wearing Agent Provocateur.
Well, WTF says ‘wearing’ …..there are people wearing more clothes on the beach.
12. Patrick Starr, makeup guru and YouTube star, wearing who knows what.
Thighs like that should be covered up. Very covered up. Like behind a heavy curtain with the lights turned off. The whole thing is very Widow Twanky…
13. Rihanna, singer, wearing Y/Project.
This is just very, very, silly, a shit-coloured Turin shroud with top boots like something worn by D’Artagnan. Only he had pantaloons underneath his and his top was not translucent.
14. St Vincent, singer, wearing St Laurent.
St Vincent appeared at the Grammys dressed as a Playboy Bunny savaged by a rabid dog, one ear hanging limply by her waist. The minge triangle is plain offensive.
15. Solange Knowles, singer, wearing Iris van Herpen.
Solange went to the Met Ball dressed as a patron saint of melted plastic, as if lately escaped from a fire. The results were not good. Not good at all.
16. Victoria Clay, model, wearing Lasula Boutique.
Victoria is redefining the word ‘underboob’ in a body with not nearly enough fabric and some uncomfortably crotch-cuddling, striped trousers. The body costs £17. One must sadly conclude that Victoria overpaid…..
OK, Readers. Get voting…..