WTF has just returned from the US where the UK’s national game, football, is referred to as “soccer”. Which is just so wrong. What the US calls “football” is basically unarmed combat where men the size of small trucks run into each other with extreme malevolence. Why not just call it assault and battery and be done with it? Be that howsoever it may be, this week it was English football where men ran into each other with extreme malevolence. Sam Allardyce, who has only been in post as England’s manager for a few weeks, his agent, Mark Curtis, and his financial adviser, Shane Moloney held a meeting with two Middle Eastern football agents after being approached via another football agent Scott McGarvey, a friend of Allardyce. At the meeting, Allardyce agreed to speak at meetings in the Far East for a total sum of £400,000. His tongue loosened by a few snifters, Allardyce slagged off his bosses, his precedessor, the team’s former Assistant Manager and players various and seemed to suggest that his new friends might get round an FA rule forbidding a player’s contract to be held by someone other than the club he plays for. Allardyce claims he was helping McGarvey as a favour. Virtue certainly seemed to have had its own reward for Big Sam, seeing that he secured a deal making himself £400,000. We should all be so helpful.
Sadly, the two Middle Eastern agents turned out to be journalists from the Daily Telegraph (to be clear, McGarvey did not know this). On Tuesday, the paper ran with the banner headline “Sam Allardyce for Sale”. And so it was that only 67 days into his reign and with a 100% success record (played one, won one), Allardyce headed off in disgrace to spend more time with his payoff whilst blaming the press for his demise. £1,500,000 for 67 days’ work. As we Jews would say, from your mouth to God’s ear.
Allardyce was undoubtedly being greedy. He had barely put the framed photo of him and the wife on his desk and unpacked his pencil case and he was already seeking to augment his colossal salary with some more. Few employers will be sympathetic to being criticised in public, even if the employee does not know that what he says will be made public. Suggesting that your new pals might be able to get round your employer’s rules is unlikely to go down well with your bosses. WTF never ceases to be amazed that people start singing like canaries to total strangers once the aroma of cash wafts under their nostrils. Whatever happened to circumspection? On the other hand, we persist in this myth of the role model, confusing football managers and players as interchangeable with the Archbishop of Canterbury. Allardyce’s job was to win games, not to save souls. He has been dogged by rumours of iffiness for years, yet the FA gave him the job anyway. If the Telegraph had pinned something illegal or immoral on him, fine. If it had got wind that something illegal going on, and then posed as agents to flesh out the story, also fine. But this was just petty. It led him up the garden path and then squealed that he had left the gate open. Essentially, Allardyce is out because the Great British Public took umbrage at the fact that he could not scrape by on a mere £3,000,000 a year. Is it as embarrassing as losing to Iceland? Is it as embarrassing as the FA looking for the third England manager in 2016? No, it is not. And it leaves a bad taste in the mouth…
We start our survey of the week’s sartorial slurry with actor Chris Pine out and about at LA Airport.
Chris is 36 years old and a top Hollywood actor. Why he is going around dressed as John-Boy from the Waltons, WTF cannot say. Questions also have to be asked about the pork pie hat.
Meet Australian WAG Jordan Ablett, seen here with her husband Australian Rules player Gary Ablett Jnr, wearing J Aton.
Not so much a tit window as tit French windows, left wide open. Plus there’s a choker and a dangling crotch cover and lacy boots. Basically this is a dress composed of everything WTF has railed against since setting up shop and she absolutely hates it.
Next up, actor James Franco wearing a £1,650 Gucci bomber jacket.
The good news is that it isn’t Jared Leto looking stupid in Gucci. The bad news is that it is someone else, in this case James in a baby blue version with a very lairy moustache like a cut price bandito.
We meet (again) pointless celebrity Paris Hilton, strutting the Phillip Plein catwalk at Milan Fashion Week.
Paris is dressed as a cross between a pair of Austrian blinds and a Las Vegas showgirl with boots inspired by a particularly kinky Roman centurion, whilst the eyewear makes her look as if she is recovering from cataract surgery.
This is actress Hailee Steinfeld, wearing Balmain at a charity event.
Yurgle. Like an X-ray of a multi-coloured, neon-lit, skeleton. With black nipples. And a minge spot which is a bit too clitoral for WTF’s taste.
We encounter lovely Cynthia Erivo, starring to great acclaim in The Color Purple on Broadway, wearing Christian Siriano to the Met Gala Opening Night of the Season. (Tannhäuser. Kill me now.)
You know when Jacob tricked his nearly blind father Isaac into believing he (Jacob) was his brother Esau, an unusually hirsute fellow, by putting on a goat’s skin? “So Jacob came near to Isaac his father. Isaac touched him and said, “Your voice sounds like Jacob’s voice, but your hands are hairy like the hands of Esau.” Isaac did not know it was Jacob, because his hands were hairy like Esau’s hands, so Isaac blessed him”. You can check it out in Genesis 27. Anyway, this is what Cynthia’s dress reminds me of.
This is from the Emmys a couple of weeks ago, but as WTF was on holiday and it is so bad, it has to go in. You will doubtless be seeing this one in the WTF Christmas Turkey nominations for 2016. I speak of VEEP actress Anna Chlumsky, also wearing Christian Siriano.
It has to go in because it is one of the worst things WTF ever did see in her life. And she is getting on a bit. Yes, Anna has just had a baby but that does not mean she has to parade about in a pebbledash cocoon, ruched above the knees, with its own matching bedspread.
Finally, and appallingly, Christina Milian wearing Fashion Nova. She paid £15 36 and, to be frank, she was over-charged.
The Tow-away sign next to her should have been acted upon with Christina loaded onto a truck and removed from public gaze. I mean, what the actual fuck? It is a Halloween leotard with masking tape over the nips. And the black thong is almost as unspeakable as the bare arse on view…
WTF believes that she speaks for many when she says that she has had enough of women flashing their arses in public. Put them away – please.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from just about everyone WTF has ever met and many whom she has not, namely the mind-numbing drivel in every newspaper, every day, surrounding the Brangelina breakup. For a couple that asked the Press “to respect our children’s privacy”, there are more leaks than a large-scale incontinence drug trial. He’s on drugs. She’s a control freak. He’s nobbing his co-star. She wants to marry Prince Andrew. He’s intimidating the kids. She’s a nutter. It is all completely ballsaching and It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments flooding in to stop WTF succumbing to her post-holiday blues, as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x
Anna Chlumsky – what the actual fuck?
I was coming on to say that Anna Chlumsky’s outfit is possibly the worst thing I have ever seen, but I see someone has beaten me to it. I read somewhere else that she chose the fabric. I dislike the term baby brain and have always argued that the concept is bollocks, but she is seriously starting to shake my convictions.