In one of WTF’s favourite films, The Fugitive, starring one of WTF’s favourite actors, Tommy Lee Jones, a train has crashed and several prisoners (including Harrison Ford, who is of course innocent) have escaped from the bus it crashed into. Tommy and other US marshals are called to the scene. Despite the prison guard taking the credit for saving his partner (it was Harrison, not him) and his insistence that all the prisoners were dead, a pair of leg irons comes to light in the wreckage. Tommy fixes the prison guard with a gimlet stare and exclaims “Oh. Wow. Gee Whiz. Looky here. You know we’re always fascinated when we find leg irons with no legs in them”. Similarly, WTF is fascinated by the idea of nuclear submarines with nothing nuclear in them. Who wouldn’t be? This concept was advanced by Jeremy Corbyn as a way of maintaining employment after the abolition of Trident. So our talented union boys will build more of them and then our gallant naval lads will take to sea and float around pretending to have a nuclear capability, even though everyone knows that they don’t. The idea behind this, apparently, is to appease the unions who are opposed to job losses. A burglar or stick-up merchant might be fooled by a CCTV camera without film in it or an alarm box minus the necessary gubbins, but over in Moscow or Pyongyang, the odds would be viewed as rather better than even. No doubt, Jezza’s next proposal will be to give soldiers fake ammunition and to remove the engines from our aircraft. Hey, we could extend this to hospitals and employ dinner ladies to serve plastic food to patients. Oh hang on…..they already do.
Meanwhile, Labour’s enquiry into Trident is underway, chaired by the new Shadow Defence Secretary Emily Thornberry, on whom we dwelt last week. She has taken over the reins from Ken Livingstone who was previously in charge, despite being neither a sitting MP nor a peer and has about as much military experience as WTF’s left buttock. Not that Thornberry is exactly GI Jane. Given that her views are the same as Livingstone’s and Corbyn’s, there is as much chance of her recommending the retention of Trident as of finding Elvis serving you a Whopper with extra cheese at Burger King in Neasden. The word ‘fixed’ has insufficient nuance. Were Mr Justice Nugee (a.k.a Thornberry’s husband) to hear a case about such an enquiry or tribunal in the High Court, he would probably conclude that it was unfair. Just saying.
We turn to the week’s sartorial sluice bucket, starting with Kate Hudson and Jack Black at the premiere of their new movie King Fu Panda 3 (they provide the voices). Kate is wearing Atelier Versace. The provenance of Jack’s suit is unknown.
Jack’s clearly believes that buttoning your jacket makes you look less pudgy, when actually the reverse is true. Kate’s expression is probably a reaction to her foul, one-legged onesie, which does not fit around the crotch, or for that matter anywhere else, and is split up one leg.
WTF’s view on a split-leg onesie is simple. Wear trousers or wear a skirt. Shit or get off the pot. That is all there is to be said about one-legged onesies.
To London and the National TV Awards, always a rich source of nastiness. It was 2 degrees centigrade but there was a great deal of orange flesh on show. We start with actress Michelle Keegan, formerly off Corrie.
Michelle appears to be wearing a back to front bib. This might be useful for a lactating mother but Michelle is neither lactating nor a mother. WTF knows these things because there is no aspect of Michelle’s life, or that of Mark Wright, her equally citrus-coloured spouse, that does not get into the papers.
Then there was chat show host Graham Norton wearing Tom Ford. Tom Ford!
He looks like a lava lamp. This is further proof, not that proof was required, that Tom Ford has gone right down the pan and gurgled round the bend.
And then there was soap actress Jorgie Porter. No one has owned up to making this, and no wonder. Would you?
She looks like a blow-up, space-age, silvery sex doll. Titsy, tacky and tawdry. Actually, it isn’t even that good.
The shoes! And what seems to be the now-mandatory arse cheeks! If the producers of Star Trek want to branch out into pokeable plastic adult toys, they need look no further for the prototype.
To the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica. WTF is beginning to fear that Melissa McCarthy is going to be a permanent fashion disaster on every Awards Special this year if she keeps on wearing her own ghastly creations.
She has used 1970’s olive green patterned curtains to create army camouflage. But it is no good. We can still see her. Melissa – we are in the middle of Awards Season. You will going up and down the Red Carpet like a fiddler’s elbow. Go shopping. WTF does not want to have to see you here again.
She is dressed as a designer grasshopper with squiggles and sporting a Hitler hairstyle. He is dressed like a high class undertaker. Well, he did go to Eton….
This is Australian actress Abbey Lee, starring in Mad Max – Fury Road, wearing Balmain.
Either she has no nipples or she is wearing a bra under the latticework but either way, it is deeply disturbing, a sort of titsy trompe l’oeil mindfuck. Below the waist, matters are yet more confusing with a suspended latticework thigh window and more frills than a Flamenco dancers’ fiesta.
Finally, we have actress and newlywed Jennifer Aniston, wearing St Laurent.
This flopfest is St Laurent? Were the lights off in the workroom? When WTF’s late dad had a heart valve replacement 35 years ago, his chest was sewn up with wire. The front seam here looks just like WTF’s dad, only worse, and his scar wasn’t couture. Then there is Jen’s built-in frilly cocktail napkin, which is nether use nor ornament. Not to mention the quim curtain, which is putting horrified onlookers in fear of an imminent minge moment. Just very bad.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yvonne Ridley from Jedburgh who has highlighted this example of extreme food wankiness. The customer asked the waiter for a black coffee and got this, whereupon someone tweeted it.
No, honestly, this is too much. Why is everything culinary now so pretentious? Why is everything not out of a packet deemed “artisinal”? Why is it served in a test tube? It’s coffee, for Gawd’s sake, not a cure for Alzheimer’s. The only thing it is testing is WTF’s patience. Big time.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in to cheer WTF up in this cold weather and do not neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x