Hallo Readers,

When George Osborne, freed from the constraints of the Coalition, delivered his budget in July, it was sold as a chance for working people to stand on their own two feet by introducing the Living Wage – i.e. hoiking up the Minimum Wage in tranches over the next five years and giving it a fancy name. Except that with every ladder comes a snake and Osborne is a serious snake. To pay for this largesse, there was to be a cut in tax credits for the same working people who would benefit from the Living Wage, even though Cameron had ruled out those very cuts during the Election Campaign. As noted in WTF’s blog at the time, the independent Institute for Fiscal Studies punched the numbers and the verdict was damning, predicting that millions of families would end up worse off overall.  Nevertheless, Tory MPs voted for Osborne’s Budget. Since then, however, the post-cuttal glow has worn off and those same MPs are getting grief from their constituents. On Question Time last week, a woman who had voted Tory in the belief that the Tories were the party of the working person let forth at Cabinet Minister Amber Rudd.  “I work bloody hard for my money. To provide for my children to give them everything they’ve got – and you’re going to take it away from me and them…I can hardly afford the rent I’ve got to pay, I can hardly afford the bills I’ve got to do, and you’re going to take more from me.” A shocked Rudd could only gawp like a fishy gargoyle as the woman shouted “Shame on You!”. And so say all of us…

At which point, enter the Boudicca of the Fens, Heidi Allen, elected in May for the constituency of South Cambridgeshire.  Dressed in blue like Mrs T, Ms Allen made her maiden speech on Tuesday during an opposition motion condemning the cuts and spoke passionately against them. It was like Henry V at Agincourt, only with more bollocks. According to the heroic Heidi, “I know that Conservatives have compassion flowing through their veins. Today every Conservative who knows who they really are has a duty to remind those who have forgotten. We are the party of the working person”. Radio and TV commentators drooled like a lovesick calf.  And they salivated as well over the new Nelson, Johnny Mercer, MP for Plymouth Moor View who told the House that his constituents opposed the cuts and “It is my duty to represent them here in the people’s Parliament where they, and no one else, have sent me to work”.

How brave! How principled! Except that not only had both of them voted in favour of the cuts in July but hours after their brave, principled speeches, they voted for them again. Heidi sought to defend herself  on Twitter “Had the wording of the motion requested a different approach to TC changes, I’d have supported it. But it didn’t. Pls listen 2 what I said”. We did, Heidi – that is the problem. Like the Grand Old Duke of York, you and Johnny marched your troops up to the top of the hill and marched them down again. And then rolled over like a pair of puppies with your legs in the air waiting for the whips to tickle your tummies. Compassionate Conservatism is all well and good but it is not worth anything unless it is backed up with action. Boudicca and Nelson? More like Pinky and Perky….

We start our forensic foray into fashion at the Attitude Awards in London with Ana Matronic from the Scissor Sisters wearing Phase 8.

This week in Downton Abbey, the Earl of Grantham took a turn and vomited blood all over the table (ulcer – nasty). Had Ana been sitting at that table dressed in this flapperfringefest with toning tattoo, his attack would doubtless have been fatal and Lady I-Speak-Your-Weight-Machine Mary would be Chatelaine as Regent for Little Lord Fauntleroy or whatever his name is. In short – this is not a good look.

London also hosted the Q Awards. Naturally mega-musician Mark Ronson was in attendance. After all, he wrote Uptown Funk, the year’s most irresistible song.

He looks like a gigolo on a Caribbean cruise ship and those silk facings are the pits… 

To the Elle Women in Hollywood Awards and supermodel Miranda Kerr did no better.

A belt is usually worn over something to hold it up. If anything needs holding up, it is the bandeau top which looks perilously prone to slippage. However Miranda’s amazing abs need no support, making the belt as much use a packet of condoms in a eunuch’s pocket. The look is not even original as Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City did it about 20 years ago. And it looked stupid then.

To Berlin and German strumpet, “model” Micaela Schäfer, wearing an old net curtain.

This was the Venus Erotic Festival but a less erotic-looking spot than a grey, rainy, Oktober pavement outside some really ugly Soviet-style concrete edifice, it is difficult to imagine. 

Micaela posed completely naked at the festival the other day and frankly she might as well have done the same here and saved someone the trouble of getting out the sewing machine. Is that a mosquito bite on her bum?

To the launch of Marco Marco’s new fashion line in Hollywood where we meet a preposterous newcomer to these pages, socialite and jewellery designer Markus Molinari (seen with someone WTF does not know).

Zorro goes partying. He could just about get away with the cloak but the village idiot hat with the lace doily passeth all understanding….

To London and the Women of the Year Lunch where we find Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman wearing Erdem.

Part Mary Poppins, part cheap linoleum on the floor of a 50’s diner and wholly horrible. What was Erdem thinking of?

Here is ridiculous (un)reality star Jess Impiazzi wearing not nearly enough whilst out and about in Guildford.

To date, Jess’ principal achievements have been appearances in TOWIE and something called Ex on the Beach but they sufficed as a springboard for titsy pics and mentions in the Daily Mail’s Sidebar of Shame, those indicia of 21st century celebrity. Readers may think that Jess forgot her skirt but her dress was just too short. WTF tries not to be a fuddy-duddy but citizens of Guildford should be free to go about their business of an evening without having to see Jess’ pink panties. As should we all….

Finally, we have Beyoncé at a TIDAL charity concert wearing Philipp Plein and some rather nice Louboutins.

One word. Trashy. Three more – too much tit. Extra minus points for the Croydon Facelift ponytail and the puce roadkill stole. You are an A List star, love – start dressing like one.


This week’s It’s Got To Go was suggested by WTF stalwart Yvonne Ridley who is bewitched, bothered and bewildered by Donald Trump’s hair. Although it looks like a toupee, the considered opinion of trichologists various is that it is not, which makes matters all the more puzzling.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man who retains his hair in middle age tends to wear it flamboyantly as a up-yours to the many long-suffering baldies around him. However, when your hair is so improbable, both in colour and volume, that it does not actually look like your own hair, you have a problem and It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Lots of top comments last week made WTF a smiling, happy person so keep them coming and send in your splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

12 responses to “WTF Grand Old Duke of York Special”

  1. Lord Dodo

    ‘as much use a packet of condoms in a eunuch’s pocket’ I nearly spat my cup of tea out over the bed clothes! Just had to be the first to comment! Hilarious!! My husband thinks the guy dressed as Zoro has confused himself with the Witchfinder General as its so close to Halloween…

    1. You two are spot on as always!! LOL

  2. The Grand Old Duke of York did make it across the ocean to the New World, but alas, he was demoted to being merely the Famous Duke of York. I hadn’t thought of that song in decades. Besides the old song, the only other references to any Duke of York that I am aware of are in Shakespeare. Is there still a Duke of York today?
    Mark Ronson’s pants are about two sizes too long, and he forgot to put on his shirt and tie. His mother let him leave the house looking like that?
    You called Ms. Schäfer a strumpet. I thought that was being harsh. And then I scrolled down to the picture… I can see where you might have been severely provoked.
    Donald Trump/Foghorn Leghorn. Besides the hairstyle, they also share a penchant for picking on people who can’t defend themselves.


    1. fashionshark

      There is a GODOY it is the ghastly Prince Andrew. Also known as the Duke of pork as he has piled on the pounds over the years…

      1. Oh.
        Once upon a time I was flattered to find out that a prince shared my name.
        And then I got old (I think I turned seven).
        I am going to do something very out of character and defend a member of the English Royal Family.
        Every monarch except the Pope is expected to produce an heir and a spare, and for every heirling the heir produces, the spare becomes more and more useless. Prince Andrew doesn’t represent ghastliness as much as he represents fate. From the moment he was born his whole purpose in life was to be superfluous. Let him eat in peace.

    2. Andrew, the thing about the current GODOY (aka Airmiles Andy) is not so much that he is the Superfluous Spare, but that he is actually the 1st Reserve Spare. His sister Anne was the Spare, and she is far from superfluous, she would make a better monarch than all her brothers rolled into one. Due to the archaic UK succession laws, she is not allowed to be monarch until all the male Spares, 1st Reserves, 2nd Reserves, etc are no longer available. If I were those chaps, I would be very worried.

      As for the clothes this week;I always thought Nicole Kidman was very Stepford, even before she was in the film, and now here she is being Spinster Schoolmarm From Little House On The Prairie. She’s either going to do a big screen remake of that, or else is reviving Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman. Beyonce’s shoes are too big for her and her dress is too small for her. And Micaela Schafer looks as though she has sat in an enormous pigeon poo.

      1. Lottie. Thank you for your insight on the subtleties of the succession. By my count Prince Charles, both of his sons, and both of his grandchildren would have to become unavailable before Andrew can be given a purpose in life. Until then he seems to be condemned to waiting in the background just in case, and that’s kind of sad.

    3. You’re right. It explains a lot about Price Edward too – even further down the line.

  3. 1. Mark Ronson does look silly but it’s at least an open question whether he actually wrote any of ‘Uptown Funk’ – ask Kool and the Gang: http://www.tonedeaf.com.au/446225/turns-out-mark-ronson-copied-uptown-funk-forced-to-share-credit.htm
    2. It’s Got To Go? How about the Europa League [yes, I know, some other N London team doesn’t have to play there]; buggering up both midweek and the weekend game in consequence, and…ta-da! Men In Make-Up, like your Zorro impersonator et al.

  4. fkarno

    The donald’s hair (I wrote it in subscript but the program doesn’t allow it) should certainly go. It would be even better if it remained attached to his head both during and after the removal process.

  5. First of all, fkarno is 100% right–The Donald’s hair has Got To Go preferably while attached to his head. Aaarrrrggghhhh–you on the other side of the pond are spared much of his rantings, you lucky stiffs. Ginger custard, indeed. On other notes–Micaela needs to work on her “tanning” method–it appears a tad too orange. Nicole, one of the most beautiful women on the planet, in this atrocity? Must be doing a favor to someone… At least Jess is wearing panties. Beyonce’s boobage is TMI but I agree that the shoes are fabulous (even though I would be able to stand up in them for maybe 20 seconds…)

    1. fashionshark

      Louboutins are not meant to stand in!

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