This week the Queen became the longest serving British monarch ever in the history of ever. She reached 23,226 days, 16 hours and approximately 30 minutes on Wednesday September 9 2015, overtaking the late Queen Victoria who went to the Great Albert in the Sky in 1901. Compared to HMQ who is a very sprightly 89, Queen Victoria was 81 but people live longer now thanks to advances in medical science. The Queen also enjoys excellent health, unlike her father who was rarely seen without a ciggie in his hand and died of lung cancer aged 56. The Media was of course in full emetic mode at Her Majesty’s milestone and it was a miracle that WTF made it from breakfast to bedtime without throwing up, such was the tsunami of schmaltz and sycophancy sloshing around waist-high. To be fair, the woman herself shrugged it off and spent the day opening the Scottish Border Railway which looks like a lot of fun.
As it happens, WTF has a lot of time for the Queen who has barely put a foot wrong in 63 years if you overlook the little matter of giving birth to those prize pillocks Princes Andrew and Edward, both of whom take up a lot of oxygen that could be more usefully deployed elsewhere. Oh, and marrying that old curmudgeon Prince Philip. And not changing her hairstyle for decades. And cocking up her initial response to the death of St Diana the Good, although no-one could have forecast the Nation’s preposterous over-reaction which at times put WTF in mind of the Gordon Riots. However, it cannot be denied that throughout her reign she has been dedicated, dignified and decent. That said, the Monarchy is wholly incompatible with any sort of fair and open society. No one should be entitled to any job or position because of an accident of birth. The idea that the next generation of this particular Family has any particular intellectual or moral superiority over the rest of us is simply absurd. The terms Majesty and Highness are equally absurd and they are also patently untrue. We have got rid of the hereditary peers making our laws (unless you count Douglas Hogg sneaking back into the House of Lords courtesy of Cameron’s Dissolution Honours List). But there are still too many posh, public-school-educated, privileged toffs in charge. Yes, Britain is very good at the ceremonial. We do a smashing State Funeral and a ravishing Royal Wedding and Changing the Guard still attracts loads of foreigners and is most entertaining. But the palaces will be there regardless of who might live in them and people will still come and look at them. So Gawd Bless You Ma’am. WTF wishes you well and hopes your reign continues to be a long and happy one. But after that – enough already.
We start our survey of the week’s sartorial cesspit at the Venice Film Festival and thespian couple Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Amber is wearing Stella McCartney and looks lovely whilst Johnny is wearing Dior Homme and looks tragic.
Johnny has bulked up for his latest movie but there is no excuse for the greasy hair, the silly earrings and the appalling fit of the trousers which bunch around his ankles like tracksuit bottoms. Did he forget to remove his bicycle clips? And what are those built up orthopaedic boots? Dior has gone down the pan faster than a bulimic’s breakfast….
Another to grace the Venetian Red Carpet (at the premiere of Blood of My Blood) was Italian actress Linda Messerklinger.
It was so nice of Linda to walk the Red Carpet in that top Nonna knitted for her. It is just a pity that Nonna didn’t have time to finish it…..
Note to Linda – please do not walk through an airline scanner dressed like this.
Here is another newcomer to these pages, singer Maty Noyes who steals the show at the end of The Weeknd’s big hit Angel.
Her voice is amazing but that is no excuse to wander around in her nightie flashing her nip-covers and sparkly panties like a see-through Lady Macbeth.
Jeremy Scott, Creative Designer at Moschino, is fast becoming one of WTF’s biggest bêtes noires. He threw a party modestly entitled The People’s Designer where he was photographed with another of WTF’s bêtes noires Katy Perry, both the colour of creosote.
He looks like a matador and she is wearing genitalia curtains and looks like a singer on a cruise ship. If Jeremy is the People’s Designer, who are the People he is Designing for?
And of course Rita Ora was in attendance wearing one of Jeremy’s creations.
Rita looks like an post-box. She is popping out of the top and shoe-horned into the bottom. Indeed so tight are those leather shorts around the crotch that WTF fears for Rita’s health because, as WTF’s new heroine Sister Pooh would say, that is the making of a BEASTIE Yeastie….
There are always rich pickings to be had at the GQ Men of the Year Awards. Here is singer James Bay, winner of the Breakthrough Musician of the Year on the night.
He looks like a member of the Amish Community playing the Child Catcher in a local production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. What is that hat? Why are his trousers so short? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
And then there was über-pillock Lewis Hamilton whose clothes get worse with every day that passes.
Oh please… his newly-bleached blond hair is perfectly ridiculous, the watch is the size of an alarm clock but the main horror is his jacket, worn sans shirt and slashed like a nightclub gigolo.
Why does a racing driver need to have a compass tattooed on his chest? He has the Mercedes jteam telling him where to go through his earphones. Does he look down at himself when he gets lost falling out of the pub?
Meet singer and actress V Bozeman (she is in Empire) wearing Zana Bayne.
V seems to be wearing a leather chastity belt and matching bra-harness which is as offensive as anything WTF has seen for a while, a sadomasochist’s wet dream. Adorning her arms with leather flowers does not make it right because it is isn’t. It just isn’t.
Finally an annual event. I refer to the inclusion of ghastly Scottish singing teenager Tallia Storm at the Scottish Fashion Awards (which are run by her mum).
Her dress resembles a rose-bedecked, chintz-covered barrel and she has a haystack on her head. Just go away….
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Alison from Whitechapel who has had more than enough of cockney-chef-cum-cheeky-chappie Jamie Oliver who is all over the media like a cheap suit, ordering the lower classes to step away from the sugar. It reminds Alison, who is clearly well educated, of the do-gooders in Orwell’s Road to Wigan Pier, lecturing the Lancashire unemployed about the perfect diet of carrots and oranges when all the poor buggers wanted was a comforting bag of chips. He’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were some top quality comments last week which brought joy into WTF’s heart but there were only a few of them. Hit the keyboard prontissimo and do not neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x
Last week I read an interview with Louis Hamilton, he claims to be too busy to worry about all things sartorial – and that he has a full time stylist!!!!!!!!!!!! (there are just not enough !!’s) OMG!
Message to Lewis. Your stylist is an even bigger pillock that you are. Sack him/her now, before it’s too late. Oh, it already is.
Shockingly bad from Hamilton. The Wimbledon look was bad but this is far worse!
OMG these are all so horrible, where to start? Johnny Depp with awful pants (plus he plays a truly horrid person in his new movie). Linda’s Nonna ran out of wool. Jeremy without a shirt and sparkles everywhere??? Like his bod is God’s gift??? V Bozeman in leather straps and leather flowers? Quite possibly the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen…except for the last one, Tallia’s….absolutely awful, especially the haystack hair. Well done once again.