Before considering the Oscars fashion faux pas, we must turn to the two former Foreign Secretaries, Jack Straw (Labour) and Malcolm Rifkind (Tory) who were caught, financially speaking, with their trousers round their ankles in a joint sting by Channel 4’s Dispatches and The Daily Telegraph. Both men were approached on behalf of a fictional Chinese company and offered top dollar for their influence and their address book. Straw, who succeeded Robin Cook after his resignation in protest at the proposed invasion of Iraq, boasted of his “charm and menace” and of his likely elevation to the House of Lords, where he could be of “even more use”. Rifkind, who was still Chair of the Commons Intelligence and Security Committee and a former Defence Secretary, gave it out large about his contacts in the Defence world and his relationships with former Foreign Ministers across the globe. Even worse, he suggested that he was self-employed, which was news to the public paying his MP’s salary of £67,000. On being unmasked, their reaction was predictable. They blustered. They whined. Straw, who was always stepping down as an MP in May, portrayed himself as the victim of a trick. Rifkind huffed and puffed until he realised that his colleagues had dropped him faster than a hot, hot thing, resigned as the Chair of the Committee and announced that he will not contest Kensington and Chelsea, one of the safest seats in the country, come May. The heart does not bleed for either of them. Good riddance. Both will collect fat pensions and doubtless make a shedload of cash as Non Executive Directors, consultants and TV pundits.
A number of issues arise from this tawdry tale. The first was the predictable anti-Semitic abuse showered upon them both. Their being Jewish was not the reason why they were prepared to sell their arse to complete strangers for upwards of £5,000 a day. They are not greedy because they are Jewish. They are just greedy. Had they been Catholic, one doubts whether they would have been referred to as greedy Christians. The second is that if, as Ed Miliband has suggested, MPs should cleave only unto their constituents and do no other work, they should be paid a commensurate salary for doing so. If we can pay Tess Daly £250,000 to stand around simpering in a frock, then we can pay the men and women who make our laws a salary reflecting that importance and (perhaps) deter them from crawling around in the undergrowth of profiteering, snuffling out opportunities like a pig with a truffle. Third, WTF would go further. Anyone standing as an MP must have held a job outside politics for at least 10 years so that they actually know something about life beyond the Westminster bubble. And last, the House of Lords should be elected instead of being ennobled as a reward for arse-licking or feeding Party finances. Do you think any of those suggestions will happen? Not a chance….
To the Oscars and a night of sartorial silliness. We kick off with singer Will.i.am.
Leaving aside the question of why he was even on the Red Carpet, there is the matter of the French Policeman’s kepi. And once we have got past the kepi, there is the matter of the striped shirt, the rolled up joggers and the hideous sneakers. Will.you.are. looking like a twat. This is not Red Carpet attire, unless, that is, you are laying it.
We next meet Lorelei Linklater, one of the stars of Boyhood, wearing Gabriela Cadena.
Young Lorelei could be hiding behind a bush of Japanese blossoms. Luckily her breasts are concealed but appalled onlookers were left perilously close to a major Minge Moment.
To actress Kelly Lynch wearing something horrible at the Vanity Fair Party.
This is not so much a mullet skirt as a mullet pelmet worn with a scraggy bra under a spider’s web. Awful hair. Great legs.
Yes, he’s at it again. I refer to actor Adrien Brody wearing Dolce & Gabbana with Christian Louboutin shoes.
Last year, scientific research linked the love of all things shiny to humans’ basic need for water. Those with severe retinal damage as a result of Adrien’s fondness for shiny suiting may well think that he is suffering from hydromania. And did he really need the patent shoes as well?
Then there was singer and aspiring actress Rita Ora wearing Donna Karan Atelier at the Vanity Fair party.
Donna Karan Atelier! This arse-baring, peekaboo, sheer horror? Rita always wears stuff like this but that Donna Karan Atelier designed it is more evidence of major fashion houses glug, glug, glugging down the pan.
And there was ubiquitous model Heidi Klum at both the Elton John and Vanity Fair parties in this hideous Versace thing.
Belly button. Hip bones. Groin. No panties. Minge Moment. The usual. Yawn.
And there was the World’s most pointless woman, Lady Victoria Hervey at the Elton John party wearing Jean Fares Couture.
Every year Lady Victoria wears something utterly frightful and this year was no exception. The groin garland is especially to be deplored.
Another party-goer was actress Rose McGowan wearing Jean Paul Gaultier.
Yes, there is only half a jacket and half a skirt, as if Rose has been put together from several different people like the picture card games you played as a kiddie. Bonkers.
This next one is just plain weird. Meet actress Phoebe Price wearing Kenneth Harion.
This costume would not look out of place on Game of Thrones but for WTF, the chief fascinations are those spherical tits like a couple of large chickenburgers and Phoebe’s forehead which is as shiny as a billiard ball.
And there was also actress Laura Dern wearing Alberta Ferretti.
As WTF, being quite obsessed with Game of Thrones, remarked on @WTF_EEK, if Brienne of Tarth had walked the Red Carpet, this is what she would have worn. Those are the pointiest tits seen in a while and the detailing on the hips seems designed for the sole purpose of making Laura look wider. There also seems to be a great deal of fringe.
Last year’s best Supporting Actor, Jared Leto, looked as ridiculous as ever, wearing Givenchy.
He looks like a lilac wedding cake decoration. WTF is also bewildered by the baggy crotch which appears to have no flies. It is a 5 hour ceremony. Is he wearing incontinence pants? As for the white shoes, there are no words.
Nominee Marion Cotillard inflicted not one but two shockers upon us in the space of an evening. First she walked the Red Carpet wearing Chanel Couture, made for her by old Karl Lagerfool himself.
WTF could not understand the Hunchbank of Notre Dame curvature and the bum-band until she realised that Marion and Jared were both making emergency toileting arrangements. She could have a potty in there and no one would be the wiser….
Then it was all change for the Vanity Fair Party, wearing Giambattista Valli Haute Couture.
Marion looks mortified in this preposterous creation with its crushed disco-ball top and dead-sheep-skirt. Then there is a black thing, the purpose and provenance of which WTF cannot fathom and what appears to be a table napkin tucked into the waistband, perhaps in readiness for a particularly crumbly canapé. Table napkins are having their moment on the Red Carpet. Last week we had Naomi Watts and now Marion. Please make it stop. It is silly.
It was a toss up between Marion’s second effort and Blanca Blanco wearing Quyhn Paris for the worst dressed of the night.
Bianca is currently filming Star Trek Equinox: The Night of Time but this is more Waste of Time. What, pray, is it supposed to be? She appears to be burning at the stake with her ill-fitting tittage held up by a piece of string. However, Quyhn is not responsible for the cottage loaf hairstyle for which Blanca and/or her stylist must take full responsibility.
OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming in. There was no room It’s Got To Go this week but send your suggestions for that too and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x