Nothing restores you to good humour better than a Tory sex scandal and last weekend delivered in bucketfuls. Brooks Newmark, a balding millionaire who (in tabloid-speak) is 56 and a married dad-of-5, was caught out by a classic tabloid sting and had to resign as Minister for Civil Society after only 3 months in the job. A freelance male undercover reporter used a picture of a pretty Swedish model and pretended to be 22-year old Tory Totty Sophie who tweeted a number of Tory MPs with flirty messages to see whether they were up for a bit of bit-flashing. Only Newmark went so far as to exchange WhatsApp messages culminating in his requesting and receiving saucy pictures of her. In return he first sent her a selfie of him in red and green paisley pyjamas (be still my beating heart) and then this ridiculous message “…you MUST swear on a stack of Bibles you won’t show pics as I promise not to show pics of you? OK?” and finally a picture of the member of the Member for Braintree peeking out of the aforementioned jim-jams. The Sunday Mirror bought the story (two other tabloids turned it down) and Newmark became Nomark. As the fine old Yiddish expression has it, “Ven der schmeckl steht, der sechel geht“, roughly translated as “when your prick goes hard, common sense flies out of the window”.
It is clear that Nomark was an idiot, as he himself recognised. It is unseemly for the Minister for Civil Society to send pictures of his putz to anyone other than his wife, let alone to a young woman whom he has just met online. Whatever sort of civil society Nomark was supposed to be creating, his brief did not include the promotion of sharing dick-pics with strangers. Worse, Nomark assumed that she would keep silent with no basis for forming that view, even if “Sophie” was who she said she was, which she wasn’t. He demonstrated a lack of judgment and he and his family have been humiliated. Worse still, the whole thing smacks of an abuse of power because he was obviously using his position to get into position with the lissom “Sophie” whom he took to be a young woman keen to forge a political career. He was the one who kept demanding intimate snaps, not her and he was taking advantage. Admittedly, quite a few middle aged men might readily persuade themselves that a blonde hottie in her 20’s they had never met really wanted to see their winkle although it is notable that Nomark’s colleagues who were similarly targeted steered clear. But it is also true that Nomark was entrapped by the freelancer’s photos of someone’s face and someone else’s body selected randomly off the internet without their consent. The new Independent Press Standards Organisation is looking into the matter and rightly so. As for Nomark, he should stay away from the internet and disable his mobile phone. That is, if his wife hasn’t already shoved it somewhere painful.
To the fashion faux pas of the week starting with Amal Alamuddin wearing Gianbattista Valli on the day after her wedding to a certain George Clooney.
Yes she’s brilliant and lovely and everything but WTF feels compelled to make the following observations. First, this is a mullet dress and mullet dresses are bad. Second, although it is beautifully embroidered, it still looks like a lampshade. And third, not only is it unflattering but it is so short that it leaves onlookers in apprehension of an imminent Minge Moment. WTF included.
To Paris Week Week and fashionista Anya Ziourova wearing Céline.
The hollow-faced Anya is dressed in a curtain pelmet and oversized trewsies made from an old blanket. She needs new clothes and a large portion of cake.
Billionaire James Goldstein was at PFW again this year, still wearing St Laurent by Hedi Slimane. Here he is with his companion, Belarussian model Ilona Guzarevich at the Maxime Simoens Show.
James was featured in this blog a year ago wearing the same jeans and he also sported them at New York Fashion Week so he is clearly getting his $2,000 worth. WTF does not like the proximity of those rips to his crotch. If he wanted to do a Brooks Nomark, he wouldn’t even need to unzip. He has matched the jeans with a St Laurent jacket (another $2,000) and accessorised with some lairy-looking loafers, a man bag, his trademark hat and Ilona. Last year WTF aficionado Belle commented of James, “Quentin Crisps’s head on Steven Tyler’s body. There is not enough brain bleach in the world to cleanse that image from my mind. I shall probably have nightmares”. Wait until she cops a load of this picture…..
Talking of matchy-matchy, here is Kim Kardashian (wearing vintage Givenchy), husband Kanye West and daughter North West, aged 15 months, on their way to the Givenchy Show.
Who takes a toddler to a fashion show? Kim is looking titsy, tawdry and trashy, so no change there but she is featured because of the way she has dressed little Nori. Call for Olivia Benson from SVU – Special Victims Unit! That child needs protection. The saintly Olivia would take one look at a distressed toddler dressed in peekaboo sheer chiffon and get a court order faster than you can say paedophiles’ wet dream.
Former Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld threw her annual CR Book Party to mark the end of PFW. If you weren’t there, you were nobody but everyone who was there looked like a sack of shit. The dress code was tits, like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley here wearing Balmain.
This is what happens when you cross a wasp and a deckchair. Rosie looks as if she has been dissected from the crotch down and the effect is, to say the least, unnerving.
More appalling peekaboo from Miranda Kerr wearing Givenchy…
Quite apart from anything else, it is all so boringly, Minge-Momently the same. Change the record for Heavens’s sake.
Or take Cara Delevigne, also wearing Balmain. Sigh. Next!
Finally we have footballer Mario Balotelli going clubbing in Manchester.
Mario reportedly took a 30% pay cut to join Liverpool FC from AC Milan and now has to scrimp by on £110,000 a week. The explanation for his going out on the town dressed like this must be that he has been moonlighting as a painter and decorator although he can still afford two iPhones. Everything here is an outrage, especially the shoes and unless you are a Freemason there is no possible excuse for rolling up your trouser legs. Pharrell Williams has a lot to answer for, and not just for Blurred Lines.
This week’s It’s Got To Go is the randomness of rail fares. How the hell do they work them out? Book an advance First Class Fare from, say, London to Newcastle, and it is £79. Turn up and take the same train and it is £207. Same seat. Same service. You could fly to New York for some of the fares the train companies have the effrontery to charge. Rail travel should be a public service and not a penance. Someone somewhere is taking the piss……
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. The comments and suggestions were a little sparse last week and you know how WTF goes into decline when this happens. Make her happy and click the Comment Button. Let us meet again next Friday and in the meantime, spread the WTF word to your friends, family, work colleagues and the man who delivers the milk. Be good.