wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

There are a lot of sartorial shockers to get through this week and no room for It’s Got To Go but WTF must say a few words about Arsenal star striker Olivier Giroud, glamour model Celia Kay (who is not Mme Giroud) and those classy chronicles, The Sun and The Irish Sun.  None of them emerges with  any credit.

Giroud is a handsome Frenchman earning about £100K a week and in France he and his wife are seen as a devoted couple with a new baby and given lots of publicity. On 1 February, the Arsenal players were staying in the Four Seasons hotel in Canary Wharf before the game against Crystal Palace but rather than getting a good night’s sleep, Giroud was romping with Celia and her 34D plastic knockers, although they both deny actually having sex. He didn’t score on the pitch either although he did set up Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s second goal. Talking of set-ups, Celia was photographed entering the hotel at 12 50 am and leaving the hotel at 3 05 am and the following week her “story” appeared in The Sun on Sunday where she described Olivier’s manly attributes and their time together. WTF does not think much of women flashing their bits for a living and thinks even less of women flogging their sex lives to Rupert Murdoch and she is not big on adulterers either so at present the story is not going well. And it gets worse.

After the story appeared, lads various tweeted their approbation along the lines of  “Cor, look at the pair on her, she’d definitely get it” but Olivier denied that Celia had ever been in his hotel bedroom, at which point Arsenal instructed Messers Shyster, Shyster and Shyster to fire off letters threatening all manner of legal action. Celia countered with a picture from her phone showing Olivier emerging from the bathroom clad only in his pants. As they say on Match of the Day, game over.  The Irish Sun splashed the picture over its front page linking the romp to Arsenal’s 5-1 thrashing at Liverpool, thus implying that the romp had been the night before that debacle rather than the victory over lowly Palace. Olivier was then forced to admit that when he said Celia had not been in his bedroom on 1 February, what he meant was that, er, she had been and he now faces a Club fine of £200K and the (deserved) wrath of Mme Giroud, not to mention Arsenal fans (WTF included) who are outraged at his inability to take to the pitch on Wednesday night (his mind wasn’t right, apparently) when we were pissed on with typically Teutonic efficiency by Bayern Munich. 

Olivier claims to be a devout Christian and whilst WTF is no theologian, she would advise him to revisit the Ten Commandments. Perhaps his real punishment is that, on his version of the facts, he will be fined £200K just for a fumble. The Sun stable has once again shown its devotion to journalistic ethics and the pursuit of the truth. As for Celia, we can confidently expect her to pop up on Celebrity Big Brother Goes Ice Dancing So Get Me Out Of Here in the near future.

Let us look at different sorts of scandal, starting with Kate Mara at the launch of Series 2 of House of Cards (it’s fab) wearing another bloody Prada face dress.

WTF has never been much of a fan of olive green whilst the colour looks horrible against Kate’s pale skin tone and white little legs. However, the principal complaints are the face design, which is spooky and the tit-window, which is vulgar. Miuccia  nel nome del cielo! Basta!

Off to the BAFTAs starting with actress Lara Pulver (best known for getting her kit off in the splendid TV series Sherlock)  wearing Yuvna Kim.

As is often the case, the back is also bad.

The good news is that she is wearing a nude-coloured body. The bad news is that she looks like a semi-plucked chicken with panties and a belt. Oh, and note to Lara – if you are wearing a pair of Louboutins, take the bloody label off the sole. Just saying.

Next we have lovely French actress Lea Seydoux wearing MiuMiu.

Now this is officially a pity because Lea is gorgeous and the dress is a beautiful colour but the mini-dress under the sheer skirt makes her look as if she is standing underwater.

Also present was Swedish actress  Alicia Vikander wearing Chanel.

This is certifiably bonkers. The top is Hiawatha bonbons and the skirt appears to be made out of dessicated coconut. Extra minus points for the belly-button-baring sheer top and those hanging blue things, reminiscent of the frustrating thin nylon straps used to fasten parcels and which you end up having to attack with a carving knife at great risk to your arteries. She’s got some on her sandals too.

Finally from the BAFTAs and this one is bad, bad, bad, we have actress Ruth Wilson wearing Antonio Berardi.

WTF’s brother coined the phrase “galloping wing-itis” to describe shirt collars sticking out at an angle (we’re horrible, our family). Here is a prime example of what he meant. As for the suit, it can best be described as Oscar Wilde meets Star Wars’ R2D2. There may well be a good reason for the groin-bib with red flashes but WTF has no idea what it is, and she looks as if she has been eviscerated.

To the Brits where there were very bad things happening, including Pharrell Williams who appeared yet again with his Lanvin trousers rolled up. It’s getting boring now, love.

Look, there are only three possible explanations. Either he can’t be arsed to shorten his trewies, he can be arsed but he can’t shorten them because they are on loan from Lanvin and they have to go back to be worn by a bigger person the next time round or he is a Freemason. But whichever it is, he looks like a pillock. Pharrell! Wear longer trousers!

Next up, TV presenter Caroline Flack wearing Paper London.

@gazaboatconvoy was so appalled by this ridiculous romper suit that she tweeted WTF on @WTF_EEK to say so. In reply, WTF wondered how it stayed up as it looks as if it just landed randomly upon her. Further, the front crease is particularly disturbing.

Kylie Minogue! No! Here she is in a plastic, non-fantastic disaster by William Wilde.

Kylie has come dressed as a PVC parcel. Good shoes though….

And then there was singer John Newman.

As part of Lord Grantham’s many-years-ahead-of-its-time environmental preservation policy, Downton Abbey has taken to employing badgers as valets. Newman! Bring me my tweeds! And lose the white socks!

This is singer Laura Mvula fresh from her triumph opening the BAFTAs with Tinie Tempah three days earlier.

Seeing her posing on the Mastercard logo reminded WTF that some things that are indeed priceless. And of them, apparently, is taste. If Damian Hirst had done a sculpture of a can-can dancer cut in half and floating in formaldehyde, it would have looked just like Laura…..

This week WTF bestows another of its rare accolades, a double appearance in one post. The honouree is  Jessie J. At the Brits, she wore a foul creation by the King of Minge, Julien Macdonald.

OMG. She looks as if she has been exhumed….. time to have a word with the makeup artist, Jessie. The word is P45. WTF is so tired of this Look-I’ve-Got-No-Knickers-on malarkey and the onesie seems to have crafted from the walls of a Moroccan urinal.

However, the previous Monday was worse when Jessie walked the Red Carpet at the inaptly named Elle Style Awards wearing Tom Ford. Tom Ford!

In her WTF Quenelle Special on 2 January this year, WTF opined that Tom Ford was straying down the Julien Macdonald Way to Wankiness and lo! he has arrived at the end of it. The slashed tee-shirt purporting to be a dress with its deplorable this-way-to-my-minge arrow is quite bad enough but the peep-toe boots are quite simply the worst boots WTF ever did see in her life. And not only are they rank but they put the wearer in imminent danger of a DVT. 

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  Keep the comments coming in as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x