WTF Man Overboard Special

Hallo Readers,

 The Lord ordered Jonah to go to Nineveh and tell its citizens that on account of their drinking and whoring and generally behaving in an unsatisfactory manner, they were due for much smiting and other bad occurrences unless they changed their ways. Jonah, unwilling to undertake this task, legged it and boarded a ship bound for Tarshish. The Lord was displeased and raised a mighty storm which threatened the safety of the ship and the crew were much afeared. Jonah then confessed that he was the cause of the storm and told them to toss him overboard. “So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging. Then the men feared the Lord exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto the Lord, and made vows.” Meanwhile, the Lord arranged for a large fish to swallow Jonah and after 3 days of living inside its innards, which, when you think about it, must have been quite shit, it spewed him out onto dry land. Which just goes to show that it is no good running away because you only make life harder for yourself and others and end up covered in vomit.

The weather has been positively biblical in the last few weeks with torrential rains, floods and hail although some have had it far worse than others. The South West copped it first with villages cut off and water at waist height for weeks. Not much happened in terms of help. Then the Home Counties, the Tory heartlands, also copped it and suddenly the beleaguered residents of Surrey and Berkshire could not wade through their living rooms without catching a glimpse of a politician in Hunter wellies and artfully distressed rain jacket standing in what used to be their front garden, clucking sympathetically and looking pained for the benefit of the media. And still nothing much happened. Someone had to be tossed overboard and as far as the Cabinet was concerned, there was only one candidate, Chris Smith the Chairman of the Environment Agency. On Sunday, Yorkshire Pudding Eric Pickles, whom Shakespeare might have had in mind when he described Falstaff as a “Gross Fat Man…as fat as butter”, popped up on TV and blamed the Environment Agency. Eric also briefed against the Environment Secretary Owen Patterson who was in hospital with a rather well-timed detached retina. Both Patterson and Smith fought back, at which point Dave sent Eric to the House of Commons to explain that when he said that the Environment Agency could not ensure the safety of a rubber duck in a bathtub, what he meant was that it was doing a fantastic job and as for Owen Patterson, they were like brothers from different mothers. In which case one shudders to think what their father must have looked like. However, Eric and Call Me Dave and the rest of the crew have pointedly failed to utter a word in support of Smith and one fears that his QANGO days are numbered. Close your eyes and you can see poor Chris grasping the side of the dinghy whilst Eric and Owen and the rest smack at his fingers with their oars. As for the soggy residents of the flood plains, their pain continues whilst politicians fight each other like ferrets in a sack. Frankly, when the Good Lord considers chucking some vomit about, He could start at Westminster where a goodly number of candidates awaits His selection.

We turn from natural disasters to sartorial ones starting with actress Imogen Poots wearing Marc Jacobs.

The dress is pretty but where is the lining? Because it sure as hell needs one.

We now meet Jennifer Hudson wearing Balmain.

Jennifer lost about 80 lbs a few years back. Congratulations and all that but is it not time that she stopped ramming it down our throats by parading about in itsy-bitsy, and in this case titsy, designer tat? No one should flash her bra except when modelling lingerie and there is no  excuse for those tights.

WTF cannot understand why Z Lister Lizzie Cundy is invited everywhere. You cannot avoid the woman. Be that as it may, she has sunk to a new low.

Those are not trousers. They are not even leggings, jeggings, treggings or any other sort of ings.  They are very shiny tights worn with a shiny jumper, a sequinned bomber jacket and suede boots. Appalling. 

We skip over to New York Fashion Week where nastiness abounded. First our old friend, fashionista J Alexander wearing I know not what.

There are no words. None.

We now meet singer Kelly Rowland wearing this extraordinary ensemble by Houghton.

These are very ridiculous trousers. Why are they so large? Have accountants not given Houghton advice on stock control? The fabric is cheap and slithery, there is excessive boobage and WTF is at a loss to explain  either the golden doorknob necklace or the pointy silver pumps. The traffic cone looks better dressed.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is prompted by an outraged @sairsebourke whose retinas have been assaulted by the Russian Winter Olympic Team uniform for the Sochi Games.

Frankly, such is Ms Bourke’s eloquence that WTF can do no better than to quote her verbatim: “It takes oligarch chavvy chic to new lows. The men’s curling trousers are particularly noteworthy. Whoever designed those horrors deserves a one way ticket to Siberia. Having spent $30bn on the games, they surely could have held back on a few bungs to Putin’s mates and nipped to Lillywhites”. WTF agrees and has nothing to add.

We next renew our acquaintance with former model, Chanel muse and DJ, Leigh Lezark wearing Jeremy Scott whilst attending Jeremy’s show. 

This outfit would only be appropriate were Leigh headed to a Marquis de Sade Memorial Perve-Up. That bra is particularly disturbing.

Next up we have two  fashionistas both wearing the same Prada dress. On the left is another old friend Anna dello Russo editor-at-large of Vogue Japan and on the right is a newcomer to these pages, former model Giovanna Battaglia, now the editor of L’Uomo Vogue.

WTF has previously commented most unfavourably on the ghastly Prada furry coats with faces on them, as seen so far on Anna, Marc Jacobs and Anna Wintour and and she is no better disposed towards this very silly frock with its Mickey-Mouse-Ears tit detail. Giovanna looks marginally better by reason of the fun earrings on the dress and because her legs are covered up and, unlike Anna, she is not displaying kninckled knees the colour of stewed tea and sporting a fascinator like a wilted goldfish.

Meet actress and star of Frances Ha, Greta Gerwig, wearing Lanvin at the Berlin Film Festival.

Gathered hips are rarely a good idea, even on someone skinny and Greta also seemed to have have inspired by Brienne of Tarth from Game of Thrones, the fantasy programme in which people fuck each other senseless before indulging in some major evisceration whilst filling the air with bloodthirsty cries.  Frankly, Greta’s stylist deserves to go head to head with Brienne – in HD.

Finally, WTF is compelled to bring you Mariah Carey who appeared at the BET Honors Awards wearing a dress by Rubin Singer. 

There is an imminent danger of spilth equivalent to that which hit the Somerset levels and although Rubin has tried to stem the flow with a flesh coloured halter strap, it is simply not up to the job of containing Mariah’s mammoth mammaries. WTF also suggests that next time, if there is a next time, Mariah should contemplate taking a size up.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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6 Responses to WTF Man Overboard Special

  1. Sarah Denby says:

    O.M.G. This was one of THE most amazing collections of dreadful clothing I have ever seen–well done! The awful sweater thingie was jaw-dropping, the shiny tights very minge-ful, the wilted goldfish fascinator (wonderful turn of phrase!!!)…But you are wrong about the Russian’s Olympic uniforms: the Americans definitely took the prize for the ugliest ones–Ralph Lauren should be shot.

  2. Rebecca Jay says:

    WTF. You are being VERY VERY unkind to J Alexander. Or more accurately to his mum (?) who clearly loves him enough to knit him a lovely cuddly sweater. That she knew not which needle size to choose is not his fault. So it ended up 3 (or maybe 5) sizes too large – she loves him. Everything else is shit and I agree with all your comments. Wholeheartedly. That is all.

  3. sairsebourke says:

    Am blushing at the mention.

    I suspect that J Alexander is wearing one of Eric Pickles’ weekend woollies in a desperate attempt to keep warm. I should have realised that they were chums!

  4. Belle says:

    Don’t want to detract from the hideousness of the ‘clothes’ this week but I think the shoes deserve a special mention. With the exception of the purple suede boots, which I quite like, the shoes are appalling. Is it de rigeur to team Prada dresses with remedial velcro shoes for old ladies? (Sorry, old ladies with superb taste in footwear). And why is there so much toe cleavage, which I especially hate? But then I suppose if they can’t get dresses that fit (yes, Mariah Carey and Jennifer Hudson, I do mean you) then it is too much to hope they will get shoes that are the right size for their bunion-bedecked trotters.

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