WTF Flashing the Flesh Special

Hallo Readers,

WTF is fortunate to have a close friend who lives in Essaouira on the coast of Morocco and she has just spent a blissful few days there.  Essaouira is a tranquil if windy place, an old walled town painted white with blue woodwork set against a cornflower sky. The men and women mostly  wear djellabas. The men’s version has a pointy hood which rises into a priapic point, worn at a jaunty angle whilst the women cover their heads and faces in varying degrees of coverage.  Time has brought little change to the town save for the ubiquitous mobile phones and satellite dishes but it has brought tourism and tourism, alas, means tourists.

Most tourists stick to the international uniform of jeans or those ugly, ill-fitting, three-quarter-length trousers with the toggles dancing around their shins, tee-shirts and trainers.  But then there are the women who are entirely insensitive to the fact that this is a Muslim country and dress like $20 hookers in plunging tops, bosoms spilling over like ice cream cones, and tiny shorts or skirts, often over pudgy thighs. Who cares whose sensitivities they offend? They are tourists spending their cash and so they think that they have bought the right to wear and do whatever they want as they walk through a living postcard. They probably do not even notice the offence they cause and fortunately for them, they do not speak Arabic and so cannot understand the comments made about them as they pass by which is just as well because the comments convey great disapprobation.

Observing this passegiata, WTF fell to thinking about the rash of Minge Moment frocks which seems to have overtaken her posts in recent weeks.  And the weatherman says there is more to come… It is not just the sheer vulgarity of these ensembles but that these women are either too stupid to know that they are vulgar or are so set upon a photo opportunity that they do not care how vulgar they are. Their main asset is that they can flash the flesh. “I’ll up your Minge Moment and go commando”. “I’ll up your Minge Moment and your going commando and I will flash my bum as well”.  So what  is there left to flash? Other than sticking a flower in one’s nether regions and parading stark naked? Soon the only innovation will be to appear in a beautifully cut dress suggesting  what lies underneath rather than showing it. Please make it soon…..

Let us begin our review of the week’s sartorial horrors with Jessica Biel wearing Giambattista Valli (beware his website when you click, it starts singing at you).

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WTF has never quite seen the point of the new Mrs Timberlake and she certainly cannot see the point of this get-up.  The sleeves look like a couple of paper bags and whilst there may well be a reason to design a skirt that appears to be tucked into the wearer’s knickers, WTF does not know what it is or why anyone would buy it. And that also goes for the green leprechaun shoes. 

Next up, we have Jennifer Hudson wearing Balmain.

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Jennifer has been stuck for a while in that “I’ve-lost-loads-of-weight-and-I’m-going-to-make-sure-you-know it” rut and this weird dress, like a Halloween leftover, is a good example. Too much boobage, too much leg and WTF does not like the “this-way-to-my-minge” arrow.

We are off to the Glamour Women of the Year Awards where nastiness was in abundance.  Here is a real Hollywood star, Barbra Streisand, receiving a lifelong achievement award (i.e. Hurrah, You Are Still With Us) pictured here with her husband James Brolin.

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Mr and Mrs Brolin are dressed as a pair of his and hers butlers. WTF always thought that superstars employed butlers, not dressed as them. Perhaps this is the Hollywood equivalent of Marie-Antoinette playing shepherdess.

Another guest was designer Catherine Malandrino, presumably wearing her own creation.

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Catherine is wearing one of those support bandages they use during operations to stop you getting DVT, only this one has its own built in muff-ruff and has been teamed with hobnail boots.

Next for our delectation is Lena Dunham wearing Theory by Oliver Theyskens.

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Poor Lena. If she wears something showing her tattoos she gets slaughtered and if she covers up she still gets slaughtered.  This ill-fitting frock makes her look like one of those Russian babushkas who used to sit by the lifts in Soviet hotels handing out toilet paper and soap and keeping an eye out for spies.

And finally in the Glamour Roll Call of Shame we have Natalie Massanet, founder of Net-A-Porter, wearing Alessandra Rich

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The founder of a website selling insanely expensive designer clothes is dressed as a toilet roll bride.  The dress is not on the website at present. It is not possible that it sold out – is it?

Julien Macdonald is on WTF’s shit-list. Readers may recall his trio of horrors from a few weeks ago, and if you do not, you can click the link and see them. Or, if you are into self-harm, you can click it and relive it all over again. Anyway, he was at it again twice this week. We will get to the other one later but this is Nicole Scherzinger out and about in London.

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Sigh. We get it, love. Your heart is broken and you are wasting away. Now go and put some proper clothes on. Next…..

Actually, this is even worse. WTF already feels nostalgic for Nicole because here is Miley Cyrus wearing NY Vintage and vile, Tom Ford houndstooth boots at the European Music Awards. WTF is sick of Miley but this “outfit” cannot be ignored.

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WTF certainly agrees that we should stop violence. However, wearing a backless dress which barely covers your arse does not seem to be the most obvious way to go about securing a cessation of these activities.   And here is the back …

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The back of Miley’s dress declares “Please Stop”. A wish shared by many of us where that young lady is concerned…..

Wednesday was the annual Victoria Secret’s Show featuring many scantily-clad women. Ironically some of them seemed to be wearing more on the catwalk than afterwards on the pink carpet, including Brazilian model Alessandra Ambrosio wearing WTF bugbear Anthony Vaccarello.

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Vulgar. And then some. Next…..

Here is another serial offender, Australian rapper Iggy Azalea, wearing Dilek Hanif.

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WTF has taken against Iggy, both because she  usually has a face like a boiled sweet and because she persists in popping up in vile minge-baring outfits like this one. Although WTF has no intention of showing you the evidence, Iggy is actually wearing a G-string but she has been waxed to within an inch of her life and is intent upon showing us the results. Just. Go. Away.

And so we come to Abbey Clancy wearing another foul creation by Julien Macdonald.

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We have come back (albeit in a roundabout way) to WTF’s opening point. Julien designed this dress for Abbey to wear at a charitable event for British servicemen ahead of Remembrance Sunday. Rather than settle for a dress with a poppy motif, Julien and Abbey thought it would be appropriate for her to parade about in strips of little Union Jack flags, like the cheap bunting you put up in your garden when Engerland are playing in the World Cup and your mates are round to share the inevitable disappointment, held together with gauze and displaying a lot of everything. Disrespectful? Just a lot. Oh, and note to Abbey. Next time you want to go commando, leave your panties off the night before because they leave marks. Like here…..

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming and we shall meet again next Friday. Be good x

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4 Responses to WTF Flashing the Flesh Special

  1. Sally says:

    Awful. Absolutely awful.
    In defence of Abby Clancy- I don’t think it’s a mark from her knickers I think it the edge of the see through side -bit. But frankly that goes no where near covering the hideousness ( or her).
    I’m struggling to keep my porridge in.
    Thank you.

  2. Andrew Purcell says:

    Looking at Iggy Azalea and Abbey Clancy I was struck by the sense that I’ve seen this before. The “Conan the Barbarian” books that I was so fond of as a teenager in the 1970s had cover illustrations by Frank Frazetta featuring underdressed men and women heroically endowed beyond the best efforts of either nature or science.

    The men wore little more than a loin cloth and a large sword (go ahead, make your Freudian jokes, I’ve heard most of them). The women were clad in more elegantly stylized loin cloths, rather like those worn by Ms. Azalea and Ms. Clancy. The poses were similar too, except that the accessories Mr. Frazetta’s women carried often included very large snakes wrapped suggestively about and between their upper thighs (go ahead, make the rest of your Freudian jokes, I’ve heard them too).

    In defense of the Frazetta paintings it has to be said that they were part of a marketing strategy to sell books to teenage boys (any human male over the age of ten). As for Iggy and Abbey, I just don’t know…

  3. Sarah Denby says:

    Yes, really too bad tourists in Muslim countries can’t be more respectful. And I, too am heartily sick of Miley–she needs a good spanking and to be told “Behave!”.

    Sent from my iPad that can’t spell or use the space bar properly

  4. Tony Ounsworth says:

    Re. Natalie Massanet, it looks like she’s been sliced in half at the waist, and then had some sort of torso extension implanted. Or it looks like two of her, stacked up. Not sure which. It sort of works as a ‘trompe l’oeil’ I suppose, if nothing else.

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