This week saw ASDA selling something even more tasteless than its foodstuffs – Halloween outfits marketed as “mental patient costumes” complete with bloodstains and dripping meat cleaver. Because of course everyone with any kind of mental illness is a homicidal maniac, right? The public erupted and ASDA has withdrawn the costume from sale leaving a gaping hole in the ghoul market. But the shareholders need not fear because WTF has identified two new bogeymen sufficient to satisfy the Great British Public and fill the ghoul gap. First, there is Gordon Brown’s former spin doctor, the weasel Damian McBride, who has appeased his conscience for being a weasel not by going to confession or doing good works amongst the poor but by selling his soul, sorry, story, to The Daily Mail for publication just before the Labour Party Conference. WTF would like to stick his 30 pieces of silver where the sun don’t shine. But there is someone yet more terrifying – Red Ed aka Ed Miliband, Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition.
You know that a Labour Leader has made a half-decent speech when the Tory press goes stark staring mad and starts raving on about socialism, the decline of capitalism and the end of civilisation as we know it. Read The Daily Mail or The Express (Does anyone still read The Express? Is there an international shortage of loo paper?) and you would think that Ed had announced plans to nationalise The Royal Family and turn Buckingham Palace into a refuge for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Somali Asylum Seekers. Add in the disapprobation of Tony Blair, Peter Mandelson, Boris Johnson, Paul Dacre, Richard Littlejohn, the energy supply companies, Tories various and Toby Young and you cannot but feel that Ed must be onto something.
WTF cannot lie – Ed does not really seem Prime Ministerial material. It is not just that he looks like Wallace from Wallace and Grommit. It is not just the adenoidal voice although listening to him is like having your eardrums stuffed full of tissues. It is the perception of a lack of gravitas. But if Tuesday’s speech showed anything, Ed does not lack principle and he understands that people are fed up with being squeezed dry in trying to pay for things that they used to own like electricity and gas and train fares and watching the NHS disintegrate and being forced to pay a bedroom tax when there are no smaller properties for them to move into whilst land is unused for tax purposes. Meanwhile the Government which opposes caps on bankers’ bonuses because it would be “bad for business” and although there is no legal aid for people who cannot afford a lawyer is now stuffing £50 notes – OUR £50 notes – into the pockets of M’Learned Friends to take on Europe on behalf of people earning £3,000,000 a year. Ed at least sounded like he was willing to do something about it.
There were notable omissions like more detail on the economy and foreign policy. WTF would have been more impressed with his claims to have restrained the invasion of Syria if he had opposed it outright from the off rather than trot out his wait and see policy once his backbenchers had told him to stuff military action. He did not tell us what would happen after the freeze on energy prices and how he would prevent them bouncing back higher than an England penalty kick. He name checked his wife and demanded a round of applause for her whilst failing to mention any of his shadow cabinet. He also came up with the bonkers idea of giving the vote to post-pubescent 16 and 17 year olds because unless the whole thing is on smartphone, they won’t give a shit. But WTF is reluctant to condemn anyone for expressing a few convictions and some principled policies.
So will Ed end up as PM? Probably not. Having slammed him for having no policies, the Press is now slamming him for the ones he has enumerated. He is attacked for being namby-pamby whilst criticised for standing against his own brother, the Cain to David’s Abel. And sad to say, the British Public will doubtless baulk at the prospect of electing someone with a funny face whilst simultaneously complaining that all the party leaders look and sound the same. But there is a bright side – because if Ed’s funny face stops him from being elected, at least Michael Gove’s chances are buggered as well.
Let us turn to another significant question which Ed failed to address in his speech. What is the point of Pippa Middleton? She has a nice bottom and she is Kate’s sister. Otherwise, she is orange, talentless and ubiquitous. Here she is wearing Matthew Williamson.
After pictures of this feathered monstrosity (yours for only £2,450), appeared in print, zookeepers everywhere were carrying out frantic headcounts in their aviaries. Pippa could have stepped out of the new series of Downton Abbey (set in the 1920’s): “I say, Lady I-Speak-Your-Weight-Machine-Mary, do cheer up! Let me read you my latest column in Waitrose magazine about how to boil water”. The dress is too tight over the bust, the fabric looks like the watered-silk wallpaper you get in ladies’ toilets at posh hotels and the clunky accessories are ill-chosen, particularly the shit-coloured clutch.
To the Emmys 2013 where there were some real shockers on view. Step forward, Paula Abdul.
It is pleated gold tinfoil. And you know what gets wrapped in tinfoil, don’t you? Turkeys. WTF’s researches have failed to find the designer of this excrescence and can only guess that s/he is running all over Hollywood paying top dollar not to be named….which, it must be said, is money well spent.
WTF is going on with that bodice? It looks as if a couple of gutters have been sewn together. Is this in case Jessica’s cups runneth over? Horrid. Oh, and the dress is creased….
What is the point of wearing a couture frock with houses tattooed on your back? It is baffling. WTF is baffled.
Zosia was no better, wearing a dress by New York designer Honor.
Again, the dress is too long but it would have been pretty were it not for the leather stick-on tits. @mrwestie58 remarked that they looked like a blindfold on someone facing a firing squad whilst @1st_of_Seven enquired why nipples need sunglasses. WTF respectfully agrees with both comments and notes that Blues Brothers tits are not flattering whether on or off an evening gown.
And here is a horror from the HBO After-Party, featuring Entourage actress Emmanuelle Chriqui in leather and lace.
I mean, why? Meanwhile that swirly set is a health hazard.
WTF has been a TOWIE-nonentities-free-zone for ages and now they have been featured in consecutive weeks. Last week it was Dannii Park-Dempsey and Lauren Pope and this week it is one of its former “stars” Amy Childs promoting her new tanning range.
Sigh. Amy has dressed up as The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B. What it has to do with tanning, WTF cannot say but she can say that this is definitely Minge Moment of the Week. EEK. And thrice EEK.
Oh no, it’s Miley Cyrus. Again.
As WTF tweeted last weekend (@WTF_EEK) Miley is dressed as a sheep in tarts’ clothing. The poor girl must be awfully tired with her tongue always hanging out and her incessant winking and her constant crotch-grabbing, not to mention all that twisting and twerking and dwarf-molestation. She seems to be in the grip of a particularly virulent strain of St Vitus’ Dance. WTF is no fan of Kelly Osbourne but could not agree more with her recent advice to her friend – “put your fucking tongue back in your mouth”. Well said, that woman….
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good and keep the comments flowing x