There is a splendid Gershwin song beginning “I’ve been around the world on a plane, I’ve settled revolutions in Spain, The North Pole I have charted, But I can’t get started with you”. Which brings us to Leader of the Liberal Democrats and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.
This week it was the LibDem conference in Glasgow and Nick gave a rousing speech in which, as far as WTF could make out, he claimed singlehanded responsibility for all the Government’s successes. The economy! Free school meals! Tackling climate change! As @TheHappySlapper tweeted, you expected him to end the speech claiming to have captured Assad and personally put on the handcuffs. Nick probably invented Twitter and doubtless will shortly unveil a cure for cancer.
Like Gaul, Nick’s speech was divided into 3 parts. First he told us about himself and his values and how he only got into politics because of Paddy Ashdown (yet another reason to dislike the pompous old git) and how nice it was to be in Government after years in the wilderness, as if Nick’s happiness was the primary concern of the UK electorate. Then he told us all about his triumphs and about all the things that those horrid Tories would have done were it not for Nick’s restraining hand. Of course this raised the question why the LibDems want to be in coalition with people whose policies are so repugnant to them but Nick answered that in the third part of his speech. The LibDems are there to act as a moderating factor on the majority partner in a Coalition. Not the Coalition. Any coalition. Tories. Labour. UKIP. The Monster Raving Loony Party. It makes no difference to Nick because Nick has reinvented himself as the political equivalent of Neutrosol, a neutralising agent to counter the excesses of others.
Time was when the Liberals (as were) dreamed of Government but with as much chance of achieving it as Katie Price editing Debrett’s Peerage. They were everyone’s favourite second team like Newcastle United – loveable but never going to win anything. Then in 2010 Nick stormed the TV debates. He was plausible and more importantly he was neither Brown nor Cameron. He won seats. On becoming Deputy PM, Nick immediately broke his promise about abolishing tuition fees which went up three-fold, prompting him into a grovelling apology so abject that it was made into a song. Far from being the breath of fresh air in the fetid atmosphere of politics, he was just another slick public schoolboy in a sharp suit hungry for power. Since then, despite Nick’s high moral tone, David Laws resigned as Chief Secretary to the Treasury within weeks after being caught fiddling his expenses, Chris Huhne resigned as Secretary of State for Climate Change and later went to prison for letting his wife take his penalty points on her licence and roly-poly Lord Rennard resigned as the Party’s Chief Executive after revelations that he was a serial groper, a fact Nick and others failed to act upon. Such is the level of disaffection that Sarah Teather, one of his few female MPs, announced that she is to step down at the next election because she has lost faith in Nick and the Party. Join the queue, love…
So Nick may have flown the world in a plane and sorted revolutions in Spain and charted the North Pole but he can’t get started again with the public and some of his party who did not appreciate the fact that Nick’s unpopularity means that he knows his Party will never govern alone so he has had to reinvent the Party. Vote Nick and as well as making him happy with his big office and posh title and grace and favour country house and chauffeur-driven limousine, he will be the antidote to other parties’ policies – apart, that is, from the ones that he cannot do anything to stop.
To the week’s sartorial horrors, starting with Tony Blair and his fragrant wife Cherie Blair at their son’s wedding. Pass the sickbag….
It is a truth universally acknowledged that British women do not know how to dress for weddings and one reason for this is their fondness for fascinators, hair decorations like those in Claire’s Accessories expanded with bits of netting and worn by cheapskates instead of a hat. Cherie looks as if she lost a fight with a rosebush and she also ticks every box in the Wedding Don’t Checklist – too much makeup (ageing), beige blancmange (boring), wrong length (kninckles), silk (creases), voluminous (unflattering), bows (doubly unflattering) and sling-backs WITH TIGHTS (just bad).
Vas describes himself as “a UK Showbiz Blogger and Socialite who has ultimate presence on the party scene worldwide” but he looks like a cut-price Kanye West in his ugly leather skirt and hobnail boots. If you want to wear a skirt, at least make it a nice one. WTF also deplores anyone wearing sunglasses either at night or indoors without a doctor’s certificate. As for Lauren and Dannii, the former could just about pass muster but for the trout pout and the latter is wearing a see-through nightie over black Spanx.
Designers get celebrities to sit at their shows wearing something from the collection being shown, the celebrity gets a free dress and the designer gets additional free publicity. What’s not to like? Answer – this awful Joan Collins castoff (which looks too tight) and a preposterous hat. Who knew that anyone wore gold pumps except on Strictly Come Dancing?
We come to über-fashionista, Daphne Guinness at an LFW party.
Daphne looks like a silvery shredded Captain Sparrow but with patterned hosiery. It is a testament to her unique look that when she went to an LFW fancy dress party on Sunday night she looked the same as she usually does because for Daphne every day is a fancy dress party. Here is the phrase “more money than sense” made flesh.
LFW is over and the fashionistas have moved to do it all again in Milan. Here is another newcomer to these pages in the colourful form of Italian TV personality, wedding planner and man-about-town Enzo Miccio.
It is just so awesomely terrible, a clown suit with too-short trousers, purple tie, peacock-blue socks and pea-green loafers. WTF has never seen a man in green shoes before and hopes not to repeat the experience anytime soon.
She looks like a Bolton bingo caller. What is she doing? The trouser pocket linings are visible, making the outfit look cheap when it clearly isn’t and the bowtie is ludicrous. For made-to-measure the trousers seem awfully long. And why the welders’ goggles?
Minge moment of the week belongs to model Selita Ebanks at a charity gala in New York.
In order to walk without showing us her all, Selita had to clutch her dress around her in a manner reminiscent of Call Me Dave dropping his shorts under his Mickey Mouse towel… And the dress is ugly and badly made. Shocking.
This is Taiwanese singing and dancing star Jolin Tsai, aka Asia’s Dancing Queen (she earned $23,000,000 last year) in Beijing. Click on the link, ignore the first minute of silence and she’s actually quite tuneful.
WTF is going to be straight with you – she has no idea what the hell is going on here. None whatsoever. Jolin seems to be wearing a bodystocking and a skirt from the pelt of a White Bengal tiger with its stray fur for trimmings. One hopes that she did not kill it herself although it would explain those rips…
As for the 3D floating thingies like giant white bar codes, you could torture WTF with hot implements and she would still be unable to tell you what they are or how they stay up. However she can say with absolute confidence that even without the bondage bootees this is one of the most ridiculous outfits she has ever seen.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. You responded to WTF’s needy pleas for comments and made her happy. Keep them coming. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x