WTF Man on the Clapham Omnibus Special

Hallo Readers,

Joan Edwards died aged 90 leaving her life savings to “whichever Government is in office at the date of my death for the Government in their absolute discretion to use as it thinks fit”. Ms Edwards neither married nor had children and after a long career as a nurse and midwife she wanted the Nation to benefit from the money but after her death someone decided that the proper interpretation of this clause was that the estate (£520,000) should end up in the hot little hands of the Coalition parties who decided in their absolute discretion to divide  the proceeds between them. And so it came to pass that the Tories pocketed £420,ooo and the Lib Dems £100,000. They must have thought that it was Christmas. 

Now the law sets great store on the analytical skills of the Man on the Clapham Omnibus or, as we say these days, the Person on the Boris Bus stuck in traffic on the Common due to road works whilst suffering from heatstroke and deafened by passengers listening to rap music on their headphones. This person, be s/he ever so humble, would have concluded that this was a bequest to the Nation. Nevertheless, the combined IQs of  Ms Edwards’ executors/solicitors, Government advisors and bigwigs at Tory and Liberal Democrat Central Offices reached the opposite conclusion, namely that despite the absence of the words “political” or “party” or “pigs’-snouts-in-the-trough”, Ms Edwards had really wanted her hard-earned cash to go to Call Me Dave and Nicky Clegg for them to throw lavish fundraising suppers and put up mendacious posters slagging off each other and little Ed Miliband (on the assumption that he is still in post) come the next election.

And now we come to the intervention of the most improbable hero since 1966 when Pickles the Dog found the Jules Rimet trophy (which had recently been stolen) in the bushes in South Norwood. Pickles was rewarded for his efforts by being invited (with his owner) to the celebration banquet when Engerland went on to win the World Cup.  And what a cutie he is …. 

pickles

The Daily Mail could never be described as cute and as WTF has observed on many occasions it is more lethal than crack cocaine. Nevertheless credit must be given where credit is due because The Mail, sniffing around like Pickles in those bushes,  discovered that there had never been a party political element to the bequest despite some frantic spin to the contrary. The Mail then splashed the story under a typical headline along the lines of “Lying Thieving Bastard MPs Steal Spinster’s Savings” whereupon it all went off, the Person on the Clapham Omnibus and all the other passengers voiced their disapprobation and both parties were forced into a humiliating climb-down and had to hand the money to the Treasury. We are left with The Mail smelling of roses, for about 5 minutes anyway, whilst there is a smell emanating from the Coalition similar to what used to come out of Pickles’ rear end. And then they wonder why people despise politicians….

We start our review of the week’s  sartorial excesses with Nicole Scherzinger wearing Three Floor at the X Factor auditions.

nicole xfactor

Yes, it is almost time for those long Saturday nights when deluded, tone-deaf wannabees murder popular favourites between interminable ad breaks. The good news is that Simon has ditched Tulisa who has left to spend more time with her solicitors. The bad news is that he has disinterred Sharon Osborne and we all know how much Sharon likes being around younger, fresh-faced women. What with that and her umpteenth breakup with Lewis Hamilton, Nicole is not concentrating on her style as evidenced by this hideous dress with its peekaboo panels, throttling throat straps (hereinafter to be referred to as Saatchi straps), a peplum that makes her appear half dressed and unzip-me-genitalia curtains. Poor.

Now we travel to Sydney to meet the former Miss Universe and TV presenter Jennifer Hawkins.

jennifer hawkins

The last time WTF saw someone standing like than they were 5 years old and desperate for a wee-wee. Jennifer’s dress is strobing like crazy and looks like a Halloween costume. It’s August, love…. 

Here is stylist Cameron Silver at the Instyle Soirée.

cam

Thom Browne is to blame for this as the designer who pushed for this shorts-suit nonsense and Cameron’s version seems to be made of wallpaper and is giving WTF a headache.

Next we have WTF stalwart Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards.

miley leather

Miley is here because her ensemble is head to toe Yves St Laurent, the design house which brought you le Smoking and other beautiful creations from the time when clothes used to be elegant. Her skirt appears to be composed of a row of leather belts which she has teamed with a tiny leather bra, a see-through shirt showcasing her tattoos and white stilettos. Sadly, despite the dizzying cost, Miley still looks like a Hollywood hooker touting for trade.

Also in attendance at the same event was Hayley Williams, lead singer of the band Paramore, wearing an Elif Domanic leather fuck-knows-what-it-is, an All Saints leather skirt and Valentino Rockstud sandals, which are apparently, the shoes for this Fall and could be yours for only $945….

hayley

Here is another one with writing and drawing all over her. Why? WTF is quite fascinated by the leather birdcage worn over a black tit bandage and can only say that Hayley looks very, very silly. Plus her head looks like a pot of marmalade.

This is another newcomer to these pages, Irish actor Robert Sheehan wearing London designers Dent de Man with white Del Toro shoes with their signature blue soles.

robert

 WTF might, might, have got over the paisley suit had the jacket not conformed to the new Norman Wisdom school of ill-fitting tightness and been slightly less, er, paisley but the suit is rendered irrelevant by the real issue which is WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SHOES? It is not just that WTF believes that men should only wear white shoes if they are either doctors or playing sport but these shoes look positively radio-active. WTF is only surprised that men in protective suits and breathing masks did not storm the cinema and carry Robert off like they did with ET. Del Toro and Dent de Man…go home.

Now WTF does not usually bother with Lady Gaga because she does it on purpose which is also why you do not see the likes of Nikki Minaj and Paloma Faith on these pages. But what follows simply cannot be ignored. This is Milady on a Manhattan street this week. Those of a nervous disposition might want to breathe deeply into a brown paper bag – or throw up in it. Ready? (You won’t be….)

lady gaga

When did it stop being illegal to flash your arse in public? When did people stop wearing proper clothes? Gaga’s horrible Louboutin bootees and her tattoos (yes, she’s another one) provide more coverage than her outfit does and thank Heaven for the bra and thong. This appears to be the same YSL bodysuit worn by Kate Moss  at Paris Fashion Week in March but whilst Kate was flashing some arse, at least she wore a long black jacket over it. No, sorry, WTF needs to go and lie down for a prolonged period.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week, and indeed for next week too. WTF is not seeking the help of healthcare professionals after seeing Lady Gaga’s arse although she would not rule it out…rather she is off to the Edinburgh Festival and will be far too busy running from venue to restaurant to wine bar to venue to be perusing the Internet for fashion disasters.  So be extra good in my absence and let us meet again on Friday 30 August x

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16 Responses to WTF Man on the Clapham Omnibus Special

  1. Laura says:

    Dear Ms Fashion Shark lol. Political parties stealing money from dead spinsters has hit the headlines but why? Political parties take lots of money from dubious dirty sources like arms dealers and groups whose interests lie with protecting and promoting the interest of nations other than ours, so what’s the big fuss. Didn’t we hear some time ago that Cameron was going to bring lobby groups out into the open? At least funding by the Victorian spinster came without strings attached and she wasn’t asking for a seat in the House of Lords.
    The clothes line up this week is quite spectacularly shocking: Why is Miley Cyrus allowed to influence teens? Why is Hayley Williams wearing a portcullis – it is to protect her from gropers? Why are Robert Sheehan’s trousers two sizes too small? Why is what Gaga is wearing not illegal? I blame their mothers I really do.

    • fashionshark says:

      I was tempted to make a gag about Ms Edwards not getting a posthumous peerage, but I didn’t so I am glad you did. Of course anyone can piss their money against the wall by donating to the political parties but it has to be a voluntary and not an involuntary act.

      As for the clothes, I agree this week turned out to be a bumper one, although I was worrying on Monday that there wouldn’t be enough to fill the post, it being summer and all. I truly don’t understand why a bare arse isn’t against the law but this was NYC so maybe it is to do with her constitutional right of free speech. Miley is more dismaying because she is a role model for young girls and the only role she is modelling is that of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but with tattoos.

  2. Laura says:

    Therein lies the difference Miss Edwards gave her money without expectation of receiving anything in return unlike most of the shysters who donate to our political parties.
    AAAaah tattoos my mother couldn’t have envisaged them ever being a fashionable thing to have, she made me wait until I was 16 to get my ears pierced any such body adornment was seen as terribly vulgar. One has to imagine a time will come where these young women will be so regretful and laser removal treatment will be big business. I am so grateful for your blog, I think these nobodies who influence our youth need exposing for the dross they are.

  3. Anna says:

    The men are REALLY bad, this week, no? But I have to say that whilst Jennifer Hawkins’ dress is vile, I am impressed that she can wear what is in effect a sideways cross-hatched diamond over her hips and still look tiny. How is that even possible?

    As for Miss Edwards and her hard-earned money – surely, SURELY if some executors come to you in such circumstances, even if they are dim enough to read the will in that way, you go “sorry mate, not touching that prime-quality political dynamite with a barge pole”. But maybe not. Some Tories of my acquaintance (although not, I hasten to add, my husband) are still trying to argue that this is what she really meant. Clearly they lack not only a barge pole but also even rudimentary understanding of how correctly to order the following words in a sentence: a when hole in you stop digging are.

    • fashionshark says:

      In re Ms Hawkins – she modelled her own beach and clothing collection and received very adverse comments that she was skeletal. On the other hand, another celebrity who was modelling it with her was called too fat…..

  4. Andrew Purcell says:

    The Man on the Clapham Omnibus has an American cousin in Illinois. President Nixon often asked “Will it play in Peoria?” as a way to gauge the public acceptance of a policy. Unfortunately for him, by 1974 it wasn’t playing in Peoria or anywhere else.
    I like Nicole Scherzinger’s unzip-me-genitalia curtains. I realize on a skirt that short this seems trivial, but the zippers appear to be great time-savers.
    Can’t say I care for the flaps at the waist of her skirt. They look like Sally Fields’ hat in “The Flying Nun”.

  5. Josh LaPorte says:

    Why must Mr. Browne foist the idea that it is appropriate to wear shorts with a suit jacket? As if the average man needs excuses to dress down more than they already do? Mr. Browne’s apartment in Manhattan was featured in this month’s “Architectural Digest” and was quite lovely but with a large picture of him on his lovely terrace wearing his absurd short pants and it made me angry. Really. Enough. This awful getup above is giving me a headache.

    On the topic of Ms. Gaga, I really do agree that there must be violating obscenity laws, not that I’ve researched anything of the sort. I’m not sure that I believe that the right to freedom of speech can be stretched to mean the right-to-bare-your-ass-in-public. But what do I know? Ms. Gaga can certainly afford good legal representation to establish such a right if it does not, in fact, already exist.

  6. Rebecca Jay says:

    Two words – nay acronyms – sum it all up in a brief moment this week :OMG and WTF?

    Enjoy Edinburgh where I hope it is not as wet as it is down Mexico way right now 🙂

  7. Belle says:

    Lady Gaga = Madonna = career based on minimal talent & maximum media exposure due to willingness to drop their kecks at the merest hint of a camera.

    You have truly surpassed yourself this week. Enjoy Edinburgh, safe in the knowledge that your readers have enough ‘WTF??????’ material here to last us til you return.

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