As I think I’ve mentioned before, one of WTF’s favourite films is Tin Men, a comedy masterpiece directed by Barry Levinson and starring Richard Dreyfus and Danny de Vito. For reasons far too complicated to go into, at one point Danny thinks Richard has come to burgle his house so he knocks him out, ties him up and humiliates him by pelting him with eggs and tomatoes. For his pains, he is arrested. At the Police Station, both Danny and the cops are bemused:
So you hit him with a gun and pelted him with eggs and tomatoes?
Yeah. I’d have thrown soup at him if I had any soup. Is there a law says you can’t throw eggs?
Well, yes actually, there is. It is an assault. But in the world of celebrity, as violist Natalie Holt has demonstrated, throwing eggs is a gateway to fame and fortune. During the Grand Final of Britain’s Got Talent last Saturday (it was won by Hungarians) Natalie, who had been playing in the band accompanying singers Richard and Paul, got up, barged between them to front of stage and then starting throwing eggs at Simon Cowell with a demonic smile on her face like the Joker in Batman.
Since then, Natalie has been NEWS, appearing on every media outlet. Almost immediately, old pictures appeared of her in her bikini and everyone seemed to know that she had been an unsuccessful BGT contestant in 2012 as part of the Raven Quartet. At first she was apologetic, saying that it was “a silly thing to do”. But on Monday she wrote a piece in The Guardian maintaining that she was not interested in fame and that “I took a stand against people miming on TV and against Simon Cowell and his dreadful influence on the music industry”. On Tuesday Natalie told us that the eggs had been organic and that she had smuggled them in her tights. On Wednesday, Natalie toured the media outlets insisting that she was not a nutter. Thursday confirmed WTF’s suspicions as she read that Holt’s boyfriend, one Chris Waitt, is planning on making a movie about Natalie’s heroic act and wants Simon Cowell to play himself.
WTF is firmly of the view that the whole thing is bollocks. First, although she has never found it necessary to do it herself, preferring to eat them cooked rather than conceal them raw, WTF suspects that it is tricky to hide eggs, whether they be organic or not, in your tights. Second, if Natalie is not interested in fame why did she enter BGT last year (Pudsey the Dancing Dog won it) and why is she giving all these interviews now? Third, if she did not want to mime, why did she take the job? And fourth, why waste organic eggs on Simon Cowell?
But whether it was a put up job or not, celebrity status will follow as sure as night follows day. It is clearly only a matter of time before Natalie puts on a little spangly frock and enters Masterchef Big Brother Celebrity Come Dancing On Ice. The sad thing here is that unlike the usual parade of neon-orange celebrities who have gained fame through staged reality TV or shagging someone famous (and preferably married) Natalie actually does have talent. She is a trained classical musician. But it seems that her talent for self-publicity is more important to her. As a result she and the appalling, cynical Cowell, who has made zillions purveying shite to the Nation, are made for each other.
Talking of talent, we turn to other celebrities, some talented, some not so talented, and the sartorial disasters of the week. First we meet Kaley Cuoco off The Big Bang Theory wearing Paule Ka at the Critics Choice TV Awards.
Oh very dear. Kaley is 27 not 7 and she has tits so this dress is a dreadful choice on every level. The bodice has a blingy panel and a pleated tit-ruff which means she goes out at the sides as well as at the front like a sack of potatoes tied with a satin bow. Here is a WTF Rule – always beware pleated tits. As for the shoes worn over patchily-dyed bare feet, they are about 2 sizes too big, a sure sign that they have been borrowed for the night, like Cinderella.
Yes, Miley Cyrus is back but her jeans by Ashish and leather bralet by Alexander Wang simply cannot be ignored. Take a look…
Frankly those jeans, half denim, half something else, are more hashish than Ashish and they are the worst jeans that WTF ever did see in her life and make Miley look like a midget. Any self-respecting builder would not dream of flashing his butt-cleavage in those jeans. What WTF hates about them, as well as everything else about them, is that the denim half rolls up but the other half doesn’t. Miley, as ever, compounds the offence with the leather bralet (WTF loathes a bralet of any description and a leather one above all), a PVC jacket and a lot of admittedly very flat midriff. The whole thing is desperately over-styled and looks ridiculous.
And then is Dita Von Teese wearing Maria Lucia Hohan.
Now Dita has a splendid pair of breasts and makes an exceptionally good living out of them, which makes it all the more surprising that she is wearing this outfit composed of a breastplate and a skirt pooling around her. The illusion is that someone else’s tits are stuck onto her front, and not very good tits at that. We have all become used to women trying to improve their décolletage – this may be the first WTF example of someone setting out to make theirs worse.
This is uber-Z-lister Lizzie Cundy on her hotel balcony in Cap Ferrat shortly before the understated Tamara Ecclestone nuptials. I am sure she had absolutely no idea that there was a photographer lurking underneath like some paparazzo Romeo.
I mean, a red minge-skimming condom with masses of underboob is exactly what you wear when you want to catch the Mediterranean sun, is it not? You would certainly get an interesting tan, unless of course you were already the colour of a satsuma thanks to whatever tanning lotion you have delivered by tanker… WTF has written about Lizzie before. How does Lizzie do it? No actual talent, no longer in the first flush of youth (she admits to 44) and re-formed by surgeons from head to toe, she turns up at every première and party and is apparently Tamara’s BFF, hence the 4-day freebie in Cap Ferrat. Her next move is to star in a musical about WAGS which opens in London in July. WTF would go, but she will be busy washing her hair.
To the Tony Awards in New York where we see deep weirdness in major stars. First up, Cyndi Lauper.
Now it is a given that Cyndi is quirky. WTF is happy with quirky. But those trousers are not quirky, they are completely bonkers.
On the plus side, the dress is certainly striking and it is adventurous for anyone of any age, let alone someone about to become an octogenarian. On the minus side, she looks like a cross between Barney the Dinosaur, Ursula from The Little Mermaid and a Quality Street wrapper.