According to Sir Gerald Howarth, the nation is under attack from aggressive homosexuals. Yes, heterosexuals in England now abed are cowering under the covers, fearful that they have only to step outdoors to be menaced by other men planning to subject their person to unimaginable horrors. Of course the word “aggressive” when uttered by the likes of Sir Gerald means uppity. When a man wants to upset a woman, he describes her as either fat, hysterical or aggressive and the same now seems to go for gay men or women daring to point out that they should be equally entitled to the right to marry. How very dare they? (oh, and whilst on the subject of aggressive women, according to UKIP donor Demetri Marchessini, women wearing trousers is a hostile act against men. Where do they find these people?)
Grass roots Tories are outraged at the prospect of same-sex marriage and believe that Call Me Dave, aided and abetted by his blushing shotgun bride, Nick Clegg (now, there is a unnatural marriage) are bludgeoning traditional Tory values by insisting on legislation to bring this into force. This week Newsnight went out and about in Clacton on Sea (the home of the fabled Essex lion) to speak to the Tory faithful and they were madder than wet hens out in the May storms. Mind you, they were still smarting at their reportedly being called swivel eyed loons by Call Me Dave’s Oxonian pal Lord Feldman, a criticism prompted by their continuous agitation about getting out of Europe and away from the malign influence of Johnny Foreigner. WTF was rather taken by the Shakespearian tone of Lord Feldman’s comment but it went down like a cup of cold sick in the Shires. Nick Clegg then weighed in, telling the Tories to get behind the Coalition (although not, of course in the aggressive homosexual sense). That went down like two cups of cold sick. The likes of Sir Gerald would rather spend an evening dancing cheek to cheek with Sir Ian McKellen than give Nick Clegg the snot up his nose, of which there appears to be a plentiful supply.
Anyway, this bill has also exploded the myth that we live in a United Kingdom. Even if passed on the mainland, same sex marriage will not apply in Northern Ireland so if you were to have a same sex marriage in England and then move to Northern Ireland, your marriage would not be recognised and would treated as a civil partnership. Perhaps Sir Gerald and his mates can move over there to live happily ever after amongst devout heterosexuals like the appalling Ian Paisley Jnr MP, who appeared on BBC Question Time last night and said that gays and lesbians were equally entitled to get married as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. He and Sir Gerald can have many a happy chat together whilst manning the barricades against the onslaught of gays and lesbians seeking to undermine society as we know it. Or something…
To the world of fashion (very gay – stay away Sir Gerald) and a week where WTF hardly knew where to look first, such was the cornucopia of nastiness on display at the British Soap Awards, the Billboard Music Awards and the Red Carpet at Cannes. There were the usual suspects flashing their bits. Madonna was wearing fishnets with her arse hanging out and Nancy dell’Olio was showing us her side boob and it was all so tedious that WTF decided not to inflict either of them upon you. I mean, what’s new? When Madonna comes out covered from head to toe or Nancy wears a polo neck (like man bites dog) now that will be news.
The British Soap Awards are a veritable vomitfest, a showcase for orange nonentities to parade their plastic tits for the paparazzi. On these occasions, it cannot be said that taste is at a premium. Here for example are Hollyoaks “actresses” Jennifer Metcalfe and Gemma Merna.
Jennifer is doing the I’ve-lost-my-love-and-this-is-what-he-is-missing bit in honour of ice skater Silvain Longchambon whom she met when his celebritee partner on Dancing On Ice. Sylvain then dumped her in favour of his new celebritee skating partner, Samia Ghade off Corrie, with whom he is now doing the double lutz. Jennifer is wearing a white tuxedo, tits and fuck-me shoes and calling it an outfit. Gemma has opted for the more traditional soap-slag outfit of cheap lace and no knickers complete with imminent minge moment. Ghastly. Both of them.
Now to the Billboards, a true triumph of trashiness. Here is Ke$ha wearing a dre$$ with the $eam$ un$ewn by Givenchy.
Like Mark Anthony who proclaimed that he had come to bury Cae$ar not to prai$e him, this i$ a dre$$ de$igned to fla$h her ar$e, not to cover it. Once upon a time you would have been arre$ted for going out dre$$ed like thi$, and at the ri$k of $ounding like Ian Pai$ley Jnr, would that be so bad? What did it become mandatory to fla$h your ar$e? If WTF wants to $ee $omeone el$e’s ar$e, she can pop into the National Gallery thank you very much. She does not wi$h to $ee a picture of Ke$ha’s ar$e over her breakfast egg. Or at all. Meanwhile Ke$ha has been in trouble this week for drinking her own urine which apparently i$ a bad example for children. In this dre$$ she is certainly taking the pi$$.
We are now off to Cannes where some seriously Z list people popped up on the red carpet. Can any bugger get on there or do you have to be invited because you know, you are actually involved in cinema? What possible reason can there be for Lady Victoria Hervey – actually you could just stop the sentence there.
There is a story of a small child pointing at 18th century politician Charles James Fox and asking his father “what is that man for?” The same is certainly true of Lady Victoria, who is as thick as double dog shit and whose only claim to fame is that she is the daughter of the 6th Marquess of Bristol. Anyway here she is in gold lace like a Spanish Flamenco doll but highly deficient in the skirt department, minge at the ready and legs akimbo as if about to do a pee. She spent so long preening and pouting and pretending to be important that eventually the organisers chucked her off although WTF would have preferred outraged French farmers to have pelted her with rotten oeufs.
Another non person, but you can’t ignore that hair, Russian reality star Elena Lenina.
Don’t you love her? The dress is absolutely hideous and the makeup applied with a trowel in the dark but posing on the Red Carpet with a haystack on your head makes up for it all. Tremendous.
Regular Readers will know that WTF has a great aversion to various designers whose trade mark is vulgarity, amongst them Vaccarello and Versace and here is another, Roberto Cavalli, who has dressed Sharon Stone like a Hong Kong hooker.
Now Sharon is undoubtedly still a very beautiful woman, but does she really need to be flashing everything at us at her age? I mean we have all seen her vulva in Basic Instinct and, speaking personally, once was enough. (Frankly, WTF was more horrified by the sight of Michael Douglas’ flabby bottom, but I digress). This shiny red monstrosity (the dress, not her vulva) with its plethora of under boob, side boob, cut-outs and masses of rather dry looking and badly-dyed thigh is both trashy and unflattering. Cover up, love. You might like it. I know we would….
Not that age makes flashing OK. Here is model Irina Shayk who also happens to the girlfriend of ace footie star Cristiano Ronaldo in another Roberto Cavalli horror show.
How Irina manages to get near the mirror with Cristiano about is a mystery. If Cristiano were made of chocolate he would lick himself to death. Perhaps that explains why Irina went out without realising the full horror of this peekaboo, see-through, oh-for-fuck’s-sake creation.
And now WTF bestows a rare honour upon Paz Vega. Normally the same person does not feature in consecutive weeks but there was no way that Paz could get away with wearing this revolting creation by Stephane Rolland.
For some time now we have been bombarded with illusion panels in dresses (if I see one more Stella McCartney illusion dress, I shall run mad) and even, Heaven forfend, illusion trousers, but this is a new one, an illusion skirt. It’s horrible. Stephane has a great fondness for skirts with feathery or furry bottoms (remember Cheryl Cole last year?) but here Paz seems to be wearing a titty toga whilst standing in a yeti’s foot. Couture? Really?
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep commenting and reading and checking out regular fashion tweets on @WTF_EEK and we will meet again next Friday.