WTF Sucker Special

Hallo Readers,

Three weeks on from the US Election and incumbent Donald Trump has yet to admit that he lost, which he did, bigly. Instead, he has been channelling his energy into the three things he does best – (i) getting money out of the gullible (ii) lying, moaning and whingeing on Twitter and (iii) applying orange pancake makeup with the finesse of a drunken brickie. No energy has been expended upon more traditional Presidential pursuits such as running the country. Certainly he is not bothering to try and combat Covid 19 so that many hospitals have run out, or are running out, of beds, 160,000 new people daily are being diagnosed with it, and deaths from it are running at 2,000 a day. Meanwhile, he has found the time to pardon General Mike Lock-Her-Up Flynn, whom he views as a great patriot for having lied to the Vice-President (for which he was sacked by, er, Donald Trump), and to the FBI, and for pleading guilty (twice). Speculation is rife as to who will be next up for a pardon, although it is thought that Trump will probably pardon himself. It is a pity that Charles Manson could not have kept going for another couple of years or he too might have been shortly out of jail.

Trump will doubtless slink away on or before 20 January 2021, but he is in no hurry to go, because as P T Barnum reportedly remarked, ‘there’s a sucker born every minute’. Those suckers, sucking at the teats of Sean Hannity on Fox News, Chanel Rion on OANN, Rush Limbaugh on the radio, and lunatics on Twitter and Facebook, have been brainwashed into believing that Joe Biden stole the election with the assistance of all or any of the late Hugo Chavez, Chy-na, dodgy Germans, Democrats, socialists, communists, anarchists, civil servants, vote counters, and, somewhat to the surprise of many, the Republican Governor and Secretary of State from Georgia, both of whom Trump strongly endorsed only two years ago. The main fraud narrative has been pushed by Rudy Giuliani, who looks and sounds as though he rightfully belongs in a straitjacket, a frightful straight-out-of-central-casting Trumpian blonde legal Barbie called Jenna Ellis, whose main job is to make Rudy look competent, and a Texan lawyer called Sidney Powell, who is a she, whose extreme right-wing-QAnon-off-the-wall-and-down-int0-the-sewer conspiracy theories proved too much even for Trump, who fired her last week and then pretended he had never hired her in the first place. Powell has just filed a 104-page pleading in the Georgia Federal Court alleging much of the theoretical rubbish set out above. Giuliani and Ellis have been losing cases all over America with judges dismissing their claims using judicial speak for ‘get-the-fuck-out-of -here-and-look-snappy-about-it’. But this only allows Trump to continue to portray himself as the victim of injustice, sending out pleas for cash (to date 344 emails and letters) to fight the fiendish attack on democracy (not his, the alleged one on behalf of Biden). Donors may however have missed the small print at the bottom of the appeal which advises them that 75% of any money given (it was 60% but it went up this week) would not go to the Giuliani and Legal Barbie or to the Toxic Texan who sees reds under every bed, but to a SuperPac called Save America run by a certain Donald Trump. It is an ill wind that blows nobody again good, and this wind is proving to be very profitable.

Trump and co have been so effective in their lying that some 70% of Republicans now believe that he won the election by a lot, even states where he would not have won had no one else been on the ballot, like California and New York. And while he happily spends his SuperPac millions and plans which of his ghastly family will run in 2024, not excluding himself, his true legacy is that he has wholly undermined American democracy while attacking his predecessor for doing what he himself did. Yesterday he said he would leave if the Electoral College voted for Biden whilst still maintaining the election was stolen. Let us hope he is as good as his word.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam in Sydney with Aussie actress and singer Jessica Mauboy at the Australian ARIA awards, wearing something frightful.

Great smile. However, slits by the tits and genitalia curtains are bad enough, but not nearly as bad as the fabric, which makes Jessica look like a cheetah hiding in a haberdashery.

Next up we are in LA with TV celebritee Draya Michele, wearing Grayscale.

Christmas seems to have come early, as when Draya finished wrapping her yuletide gifts, she used the rest of the ribbon to wrap herself with extra ribbon employed as a Minge Mask. The outfit is by Grayscale, which gave WTF the perfect opportunity to remark that grayscale was the very nasty affliction suffered by characters various in Game of Thrones. And the grayscale looked better than the Grayscale.

Next up we are at the American Music Awards where we encounter diva Jennifer Lopez, wearing Balmain.

Look, JLo is the quintessence of sexy but that does not mean that everything she wears looks good. Here she does not look good, what with caught-in-the-rain hair and the ridiculous outfit made from draped bedroom curtains.

Meet newcomer, rapper Iann Dior wearing a rather floppy suit.

The fabric is a gorgeous colour and he is very cute, but he appears to have been caught in the rain alongside JLo because the whole thing is so damn droopy. Oh, and no man should ever been seen in a suit with a white belt. WTF is irresistibly reminded of the naughty pageboy Cherubino in The Marriage of Figaro.

And a third attendee, singer Bebe Rexha wearing Julien MacDonald.

Regular readers of this column (and if you are not a regular reader, where the hell have you been?) will know that WTF has an aversion to Julien, who cannot resist the urge to let his customers have everything hanging out. Meanwhile Bebe is clearly making a determined bid for the Jessica Rabbit Award 2020 and on this showing, she must be guaranteed at least a place on the podium.

Also there was actress Laverne Cox wearing Minge Maestro Michael Costello.

Minge Maestro Michael is another one who prefers it out rather than in. If Wonderwoman went to a fancy dress party as a swimsuit model, this is what she would look like.

And finally from the AMAs, here is rapper Machine Gun Kelly wearing Balmain. Balmain! Ye Gods……

To be frank, a scrawny chest like that should be covered up and not paraded coram publico, and there is no excuse whatsoever for the silk incontinence trousers.

And she’s back after a long absence! Yes it’s actress Bai Ling, seen here in Taipei at a film festival wearing the sort of thing that only Bai Ling would wear.

This is quite restrained for Bai Ling, i.e, it is utterly ridiculous as opposed to totally, scandalously, terrible. The inspiration for this get up seems to have been Ruby Keeler as Shanghai Lil in the 1993 movie, Footlight Parade.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF from Islington who is aghast at Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s trousers.

For Heaven’s sake. The man is a billionaire and he cannot find a pair of trousers that has not had a major falling out with his ankles? It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Your comments have started coming in again as well as some tip-top suggestions for It’s Got To Go so keep them coming, Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.

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WTF Dip in the Bran Tub Special

Hallo Readers,

 

Lunacy rages in the USA with wild allegations of conspiracy, corruption, and nefariousness of all kinds; on top of vote fiddling, there are allegations that Hugo Chavez masterminded dodgy electoral software to keep Trump out of the Presidency (Chavez died in 2013 long before Trump even decided to run). But let us not smirk too broadly, because here in the UK, we have our own nonsense to contend with; WTF refers to the shit-show that is our own Government. All week, it has been impossible to distinguish between news broadcasts on the one hand and old episodes of The Thick of It on the other, except that Malcolm Tucker is fictional and funny whereas this lot, sadly, are neither. Years ago, theatregoers used to enjoy what were known as Whitehall Farces (staged at the Whitehall Theatre) where the late Brian Rix used to drop his trousers. In 2020, the show is free and available on a rolling news cycle…..

Last week, no 10’s Backroom Slimebucket Dominic Cummings, and Director of Communications Lee Cain, two bald men fighting over a coxcomb, went to war with Milady de Winter, Carrie Symonds, the present Prime Ministerial consort. Cummings and Cain, Westminster’s Mitchell Brothers without the charm, thought they were in charge only to be outsmarted by Carrie, who did not like them any more than they liked her (they referred to her as Lady Nut Nuts). Cain, who in his days as a ‘journalist’ used to dress up as a chicken and harass Ministers (we saw this happen in  The Thick of It and laughed at the sheer absurdity of the concept), resigned on being denied the promotion he wanted, and a day later Cummings slipped out of the door carrying his belongings in a cardboard box, a highly appropriate receptacle given his strong resemblance to a dosser.

We then learned that Johnson had yet again come into contact with someone who later tested positive for Covid-19, and so he was forced to self-isolate. It is hard to have faith in the man leading the fight against the virus when he neither wears a mask in his own office nor requires his visitors to do so. Like the White House, where office space is also cramped, and which is also run by an idiot, no 10 seems to be a Petri dish of infection.

At least Johnson was able to stay out of sight for the next political whoopsie, namely a report from the National Audit Office about public procurement of PPE. We have heard already how people who knew the right people or went to school with them were awarded multi-million pound contracts, without any tendering process, to manufacture and supply face masks and scrubs and hand sanitisers, even though they did not know an N45 from a P45. Sometimes they delivered, sometimes they did not. It now emerges that there was a VIP list where the elite could be fast-tracked before dipping their hands into the bran tub. And worse still, we learned that the bran tub included payments for ‘middle men’, whose job it was to schmooze Chinese factories to make this stuff, even though the contracts were supposedly awarded to people on the basis that they already had that access. In one case, a Floridian jewellery maker got a contract for PPE, and he in turn enlisted some Spaniard to ease the deal, with the said Spaniard pocketing £21m of taxpayers’ money. We only know this because the jeweller is now suing the middleman for return of  some or all of the wonga alleging breach of contract. It is enough to put you off going to bed for fear of what will happen while you slumber……

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We turn to the review of the week’s fashion flops, starting in California with model Hailey Bieber, wife of singer Justin Bieber and niece of Alec Baldwin, out for lunch (in every sense) wearing who even knows what this is….

WTF is all for athleisure – millions around the World have worn little else for most of 2020, fast becoming veritable strangers to the concept of a zip. But venturing forth in a pair of kiddie jim-jams is another thing altogether, and whatever Hailey paid for this, if indeed she did, she could have gone to Marks & Spencer and bought these instead…..

Next up, we are at the Peoples Choice Awards in Santa Monica, hosted by singer Demi Lovato with no less than five changes of outfit. This one is by  Halpern.

The wig is ridiculous and the skirt length is very unflattering. If a mermaid went to a fancy dress party as a disco ball, this is what she would look like. ….. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also there was actress Ellen Pompeo (Gray’s Anatomy), wearing British  designer David Koma. 

Fortunately for Ellen, she is unrelated to fat fuck Mike Pompeo, the repulsive but soon-t0-be-former US Secretary of State.  Unfortunately for Ellen, her outfit is just a pair of glittery nurse’s scrubs, like Nurse Ratched out on the razz.  It also appears to have designed with a taller person in mind as the trouser legs are pooling on the floor like water leaking through a roof.

And here is actress Jameela Jamil, wearing Christopher John Rogers. 

Great colour and love the corsage, but there is oversized and there is Oh My God, WHAT?????? This left Oh My God, WHAT?????? many miles back and is now parked at Are You Having A Laugh?????? It is as if Jameela were six years old and trying on Daddy’s suit.

Back to Blighty and WTF stalwart celebritee Lauren Goodger, wearing Oh Polly!

Not so much Oh Polly! as Oh No! Whoever told Lauren that her bum was her best feature was not her friend. It is like looking at the dark side of the moon.

Still in the UK we greet young actress Emma Corrin, who is excellent as Princess Diana in The Crown, appearing on Graham Norton wearing Richard Quinn.

Emma is 24, but here she looks about 14, dressed in a most remarkable ensemble like bulging bin bags dumped in a rose garden.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And finally, here is singer and fashionista Harry Styles featured in Vogue, wearing Harris Reed. Harry is the first man ever to grace the cover.

Look, WTF is not bothered by a man in a dress, and in another picture he is wearing a Gucci frock and a tuxedo and looks rather good. But this is just daft, like a Victorian virgin whose crinoline has become entangled in a kissing gate.

 

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Stephen from Potters Bar who is fed up to the back teeth with the annual sado-masochism fest that is “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”. This year Covid gave the Aussies a good excuse to refuse entry to hosts Ant and Dec and a gaggle of fifth-rate celebritees (with the notable exceptions of runner Sir Mo Farah and journalist Victoria Derbyshire), so they have gone to a chilly castle in Wales instead. . 

Stephen says that he is uninterested in nonentities having to eat animals’ naughty bits and crawling beasties, and expresses the view, with which WTF is wholly in agreement, that the only thing to induce him to watch would be if those two smug little tossers Ant and Dec had to put something nasty in their mouths in front of millions of viewers. It is nauseating. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Your comments have started coming in again as well as some tip-top suggestions for It’s Got To Go so keep them coming, Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.

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WTF Big Boy Pants Special

Hallo Readers

For the five days between Tuesday November 3rd and Saturday November 7th, millions across the world lived between their bedrooms, their bathrooms and whatever room their TV was in. Days blended into night and back again, people eventually catching a few hours rest, only to find on awakening that the Electoral Votes Counter on CNN had not budged from when they went to bed – 253 for Joe Biden, 213 for Donald Trump. It was Groundhog Day on a loop. Finally, CNN called it and joy was unconfined. We could breathe again. We could bathe again. We could sleep again. Except of course that it was not over, because the Baby-In-Chief refuses to accept he lost. And just like when he did not win Emmys for The Apprentice, when he lost to Ted Cruz in a GOP primary, when Trump University was sued for fraud, he proclaimed that it was all rigged against him and that he had won by a lot. He has not put on his big boy pants. Everyone expected this, both because he cannot countenance being a loser and because he had telegraphed his strategy in neon for the best part of a year – cast aspersions on the election process, claim fraud when he loses, stay put. Especially when man-to-man combat with the attorneys from Southern District of  New York awaits him and his shyster family. The fact that his own security services have declared this as the most secure election ever and each state election board has declared there is no fraud is, of course, nothing to the point.

The week has not been without humour. Rudy Giuliani held a press conference in the parking lot of a North Philadelphia establishment called Four Seasons Total Landscaping, wedged between a sex shop and a crematorium or, as one wag put it, on the asphalt between dildo and death. As Tennyson remarked of The Charge of the Light Brigade, ‘someone had blundered’, mistaking the establishment for the somewhat swankier Four Seasons Hotel in the city centre – the equivalent of thinking you were booking a Mayfair hotel, only to find yourself outside a garden centre in Acton. Rudy’s star witnesses did not come up to proof, and one of them later proved to be a convicted sex offender. Meanwhile, sidestepping Trump’s capitalised shrieks of ‘THEY STOLE THE ELECTION’ and other such rubbish, his lawyers also failed to come up to proof, admitting to baffled Judges in Arizona, Pennsylvania and Michigan that they were not actually alleging fraud, but that someone’s sister’s friend’s cousin-twice-removed had heard from the garbage collector that there had been shenanigans.  None of these cases have any chance, which is what happens when you don’t have any actual evidence and take the piss, and when your opponent has got five million more votes than you and many more Electoral College votes. 

But while we all laughed at Rudy and hapless litigators producing witnesses who had seen no wrongdoing but had felt it in their water, this is not funny. Over 73 million people voted for Donald Trump. Some because they thought he would restore the economy his incompetent handling of the pandemic had destroyed. Some because they had been brainwashed into believing that Joe Biden is a radical socialist with a black woman sidekick who was more radical than Rosa Klebb, and who would take away their guns, and tax them into penury, and make them  drink Starbucks. And many voted for Trump not despite his racism, and his misogyny, and his ignorance, and his vulgarity, and his dishonesty, but because of it. Because they like him for it. Because he has made it OK to be hateful and contemptuous and ugly and stupid. 47% of those who voted last week wanted that man as their President. And a sizeable proportion of them genuinely believe that Trump was robbed, gobbling up lies and disinformation from the man who swore to uphold the Constitutional democracy he now trashes so as to stay in the White House and out of Sing Sing. That group is getting ever more angry, inflamed by lying tweets, fake videos, and doctored shareholder documents showing that Nancy Pelosi owns the software in electoral voting machines (she doesn’t), and that voting slips were burned in dumpsters (they weren’t), and that George Soros is paying everybody off (he isn’t). Maybe Trump will broker a deal to leave if he and his spawn never have to face any charges for anything, ever. Maybe he will get bored and slope off to Mar A Lago. Or maybe he will have to be dragged out of the White House by Marines on 20th January 2021, screaming at his betrayal by Fox News and Mitt Romney and Republicans who have edged away from placating him. God Bless America. Because it badly needs His blessing right now.

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Let us cheer up a bit. Our review of the week’s sartorial silliness at the 2020 Country Music Awards in Nashville starts with singer Maren Morris wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

Maren always stands like that because her shoes are so high that she would otherwise topple over – every other photo on the night shows her propped up against her husband, who is clearly performing the role of a human Zimmer frame. As for the outfit, it not an outfit. It is waiting for the outfit,  and is no more than a bra and Spanx Higher Power Panties, worn with a lacy peignoir.

 And here is singer Charlie Puth wearing who knows what?

More Putz than Puth. The women at this event are all tits and legs with so much spangle that ophthalmologists in Nashville are booking luxury holidays in the Turks & Caicos from the proceeds of their emergency treatment for extreme retinal damage among the attendees. The men however pitch up in any old nonsense. Charlie looks like snoopy going for a jog.

To the MTV Europe Music Awards, where we find Little Mix singer Leigh-Anne Pinnock wearing Luis De Javier.

Luis is Spanish but moved to the UK to study design. He describes his work as  ‘a big “fuck you” to society’.  Well fuck you too, Luis because this is hideous, like a broken sea shell and matching tights with scribbles on.

And here is her Little Mix bandmate Jade Thirlwall, wearing Anniki.

Is it horrid tights week? These, and the matching coat-dress thingy, make Jade look like a strolling strawberry swirl cheesecake.

Now we have singer Doja Cat, wearing Givenchy.

Yawn. Next…..

This is our old friend singer Rita Ora, wearing Giambattista Valli.

Rita’s yellow fluff-fest puts one in mind the new Christmas gift craze, the Donald J Trump toilet brush.

Here is singer Bebe Rexha, wearing Christopher Kane. 

This is a bodystocking with a Minge Muff and leather bootees. If a Nazi stormtrooper went to a fancy dress party as a kinky Anna Pavlova, this is what he would look like. Actually, that Minge Muff looks like a Pavlova with tits and without the fruit. This is turning out to be dessert week as well as horrid tights week.

Here is singer  Madison Beer, sort of wearing Mugler….

Heaven knows what this cost. But for £23, she could have bought a swimsuit on sale from Unique21 and wrapped an old net curtain around her waist.

And finally, meet British singer Yungblud wearing Chrome Hearts.

Think Hannibal Lecter with leopardskin and magenta socks.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF from Islington who is perplexed by these ridiculous male Mary Jane shoes from Loewe.

You what? And they cost £450!!!! It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Your comments have started coming in again as well as some tip-top suggestions for It’s Got To Go and WTF is as happy as Joe Biden last Saturday night. Keep them coming, Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.

 

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WTF Election Special

Hallo Readers,

For those whose geography is a little rusty, Belarus is a small country in Eastern Europe which used to be part of the Soviet Union. It has been an independent republic since 1991. The United States is a big country across the Atlantic. It has been a republic since 1776.  The current President of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko, has been in power since 1994.  In 2010, he again ‘triumphed’ in the Presidential Election with 80% of the vote, whereupon most of his opponents were locked up. In 2020, Lukashenko again triumphed’ with 80% of the vote and many of his opponents promptly legged it over the border to avoid incarceration as protesters took to the streets. In the United States, President Donald Trumpashenko, who was elected in a shock result in 2016, is now on the brink of defeat in this week’s 2020 Presidential Election, except that he says he has not been defeated at all and that it has been, or will be, stolen from him. Some groups of protesters have taken to the streets and Trumpashenko and his two idiot sons are actively inciting more of them to do. Trumpashenko Jr tweeted that this father must ‘go to war’. The other Trumpashenko son has been screaming fraud and tweeting evidence that would be damning if only it were true, except that it is not. But none of this is surprising, because Trumpashenko did not even accept the result in 2016 when he won. Although he secured  the Electoral College, that arcane nonsense based on state by state victories, he lost the popular vote by over 3 million votes. That, explained Trumpashenko, was because millions of illegals had voted for his opponent. He even set up a Fraud Commission to inquire into this shocking assault upon democracy, but within months it was abandoned without finding a scintilla of evidence.

This time, it is not the illegals conspiring against Trumpashenko but Democrat administrations overseeing the voting process in those states where he is either losing or in danger of doing so. This will come as something a surprise to the Governor and Secretary of State of Georgia and to the Governor of Arizona, all of whom are staunch Republicans, not to mention the selfless officials who have been counting the votes in Georgia, Arizona, Pennsylvania, Nevada and North Carolina. But according to Trumpashenko and his plankton offspring, they should stop counting the votes (and he is 4 millions votes behind in the popular vote) because the only ones that count are the ones which were cast in person whereas any mail-in votes,  except those cast for him, were fraudulent and filled in by dead people, or non-residents, or the aforesaid election officials, all at the behest of the Democrats and their backers, Big Money, Big Media and Big Tech. And because Trumpashenko had spent 2020 telling his supporters not to vote by mail as the process was fraudulent, they largely voted in person. At the insistence of Republican State legislatures, these votes were to be counted first, and they were mostly cast by Republicans. Democrats, who largely chose not to catch Covid while standing in line for six hours next to maskless oiks in the middle of a snowstorm or a hurricane, voted by mail, and their votes were counted last. Whereupon Trumpashenko’s lead in those four, and in other, states began to be ‘whittled away’, mostly because the substantially Democrat vote was only now being counted.

According to Trumpashenko’s frenzied tweets and preposterous public statements on Election Night and Thursday evening, (so full of lies that most TV stations cut away from it), if you only counted the ‘legal votes’, he had won and won by a lot. He won Georgia. He won Arizona, He won Pennsylvania. He won North Carolina. Which means that he won the Election. Apart from demonstrating a somewhat flawed view of how democracy actually works, there remains the mystery of how the Republican Party did so well in the Senate and House Races. Did the dead people and the non residents and the corrupt Democrat administrations, some of whom are not actually Democrats, and the election officials, and Big Money, Big Media and Big Tech, all vote for Republican Senators and Congresspersons, but not for Trumpashenko? It is indeed a mystery and one that will now occupy the Courts for some time. If only Presidents Kim Jon Un, Putin and Lukashenko had sent observers…..

At the time of writing, it looks as though Biden will win, although this is by no means certain. It is all so close, and the world, groggy with incredulity and lack of sleep, has become expert on the voting patterns of Broward County and other places no-one had ever heard of. But whoever wins, two things are certain. First, the result is an absolutely terrible indictment of the United States electorate, with 68 million people voting for this lying, corrupt, ignorant, narcissist. And second, Trump will not go quietly. But that is next week’s blog.

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial slurry with singer Lady Gaga, supporting Joe Biden at a rally in Pittsburgh, wearing Balmain.

Balmain is all about silly shoulders this season, as we saw on Rosalía last week.  It is as if Gaga is sitting on a high -backed chair. 

It should also be observed that (i) the fit is, ahem, somewhat tight around the crotch and (ii) given that Joe Biden was appealing to working class Americans, appearing in $$$$$$$$ worth of silly designer denim might well be thought to have been a little inappropriate.

Next up, we have singer Rihanna, wearing Chrome Hearts.

 

It is not just the visible bra, it is the  bowel-prodding ugliness of the ensemble, which seems to have been inspired by the IRA hunger-strikers in Northern Ireland in the 1970’s with their dirty-cell protest. Why this would be Rihanna’s outfit of choice, WTF cannot say.

Here is Disney actress and singer Sofia Carson in Gucci. She looks about 14 but she is in fact 27.


And because she is 27, she is too old to be wearing this ridiculous ensemble with its shrunken trewsies, last seen on Catholic convent schoolgirls in those movies where sadistic nuns beat the shit out of them…..  

And hallo again to a firm friend of this blog, Lewis Hamilton, walking his dog Roscoe. Lewis is wearing Levis x Heron Preston. Roscoe is wearing Roscoe.

Roscoe looks disgusted, as well he should, because his owner is parading about dressed as a raspberry ice cream. And there is something deeply disturbing about the fit of those trousers.

We travel to the New York set of Dancing with the Stars where we encounter model Tyra Banks wearing Nicole and Felicia. 

This ensemble appears to have inspired by an automated cattle cleaning brush…… 

And finally, we welcome rapper Cardi B wearing JLuxLabel. She is standing by a new Rolls Royce, her birthday from her husband, rapper Offset. 

That skirt is not a skirt. Not even at all. Even on the runway, on a skinny  model, it was not a skirt. It does not even approximate a skirt. If a pumpkin in fuck-me sandals and a clashing handbag went to a Halloween party as a Minge Moment, this is what it would look like.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Daniel from Stevenage, who could not be more enraged by the piss-poor performance of pollsters in the US Election. And Daniel is entitled to be enraged because this was another wretched cock-up from these clowns, whose analytical forecasts have been so wrong, so often. They cocked up Brexit. They cocked up the US Election in 2016. They told you that Theresa May was going to romp home in 2018. And they told you that Joe Biden was going to win in a landslide. None of which came to pass. 

Daniel takes the view that the trade of pollster should go the way of sending kiddies up chimneys, i.e. they are obsolete and ridiculous. He says that you might as well read the tealeaves. And he is right. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments – there were some good ones last week, which soothed WTF’s troubled spirits. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

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WTF Outski Special

Hallo Readers,

The Equalities and Human Rights Commission is a statutory body which does what it says on the tin. It spent 18 months looking into whether the Labour Party, led by Jeremy Corbyn, broke the Equality Act 2010. On Thursday, having looked at 70 sample complaints of antisemitism, it concluded that it had, and found that:

  • Two officials of the Party, Ken Livingstone and Pam Bromley, harassed members of Jewish origin in comments they had made. However, this was only ‘the tip of the iceberg’. Because they were officials, the Labour Party is legally liable for their actions.
  • There were 18 other ‘borderline’ examples of antisemitic behaviour from people, where there was not enough evidence to show that they were acting as officials for the Party.
  • There were other numerous examples of antisemitic conduct by ‘ordinary’ Labour members who were outside the control of the Labour Party in law;
  • Head Office had interfered with the conduct of 23 complaints,  i.e. almost one third of them;
  • The disciplinary system was a mess, and previous recommendations had been ignored.
  • The Party leadership had showed. ‘a lack of leadership within the Labour Party on these issues, which is hard to reconcile with its stated commitment to a zero-tolerance approach to antisemitism.’

For some time, Corbyn supporters had maintained that this was not about antisemitism at all, it was about hatred of Corbyn and suppression of anti-Zionism, and that Jews saying otherwise were just pretending to be upset in order to get Corbyn, because they were Tory, Blairite, Zionist, shills and probably getting paid by the Rothschilds or George Soros. And even after the EHRC  produced its report, they are still saying it. yes, there may be little bit, an infinitesimal bit, of antisemitism, which of course is very bad, BUT…followed by every sort of conspiracy theory and what-about-ery trotted out. Muslims are badly treated! People of colour are badly treated! That was no doubt true, but when they complain about it, they are not accused of trying to bring down the party or being paid to say so. Any more than all women complaining about sexual harassment are doing it for an ulterior motive…..

Corbyn, still in denial, put out a statement admitting there had been some  antisemitism but maintaining that it was greatly exaggerated ‘for political purposes inside and outside the Party’. and got suspended as a result. And he had tried to stop it but had been stopped from stopping it (conveniently forgetting that when some Labour staffers alleged the opposite on Panorama, and had been called liars by the Party, they sued and the case was settled in their favour. Whoops.) And so yet again, war is about to break out.  But what might have helped yesterday was some sort of recognition from the man that his failure to do enough, to say enough, to look as though he actually meant it when he did say something, helped foster the toxicity, where MPs, particularly women MPs, had received death threats and physical threats and vile abuse and were hounded out of the party. Of course, there is a difference between anti-Zionism and antisemitism.  But read the damn report. Because blaming British Jews for the actions of the Israeli Government is as offensive as blaming all Muslims for the vile murders in Nice and the teacher in Paris – and it is antisemitic. Because maintaining that the world is run by a vicious cabal of Jewish bankers and media owners is antisemitic. Because denying the Holocaust, and telling Jews that Hitler was right, is antisemitic. Because assuming that Jews are all rich and selfish and venal and heartless is antisemitic. And until that mindset changes, Labour will never move on.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam with actress Tracee Ellis Ross, wearing Loewe. She was en route to appear on Jimmy Kimmel.

Tracee and Jimmy could both fit into one of those legs. If Ali Baba went to a black tie party, this is what he would look like.

Next up, we have singer Rosalía out and about in New York, wearing Balmain.

Balmain is pushing this logoed nonsense very hard, and stars various have been photographed in it, including Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian, but Rosalía actually went out in public, thereby inflicting severe damage on New Yorkers’ eyeballs and gag reflexes. It is very unflattering around the crotch and she seems to have forgotten to remove the hanger from inside the top.

Meet young actress Emma Corrin, soon to be seen as St. Diana of Landmines in series 4 of The Crown. She is wearing Cecilie Bahnsen for an Elle photoshoot.

WTF could have lived with the juxtaposition of the flopping bananarama dress and Prisoner of Cell Block H warder’s brogues, but for the life of her, she simply cannot understand why Emma’s tits have their own sunglasses.This next one is just terribly, terribly, terrible. Here is celebritee Chloe Ferry of Geordie Shore infamy, wearing (as per bloody usual) not enough. Careful how you go…….

Chloe, who is parading the streets in a Minge Moment condom and a Daenerys Tagaryan wig, has had more plastic surgery than those World War 2 pilots burned to bits when their planes crashed; sadly the effect on her face is not dissimilar. There is a fish swimming around in an ocean somewhere missing its lips….

And this is what Chloe looked like before going under the knife….

Now we have another newcomer to this blog, model Ella Baig wearing Jessica Baah. Well, I say wearing….

Ella’s chief, if not only, claim to fame is that she is the girlfriend of Olympic boxer and current Strictly contestant Nicola Adams, and she is milking the opportunity. In this case sporting a Mingerama net curtain and bare buttocks.

We’ve missed actor Jared Leto of late and so it is good to have him back, clad, as he is always is, in head-to-toe Gucci. Scroll down carefully as it gets worse and worse as you go….

Those socks! They cost £115 and the sandals £275. They are both putrid, as are the spangly shirt (£700) and the matching shorts (£600). If Merlin went metal detecting, this is what he would look like. ….

 

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado  Honsa from West London, who spotted this horror in the shop window of DSquared2 in Conduit Street, Mayfair. 

Those are probably the world’s smallest shorts. Even one of the Seven Dwarves would struggle to fit into them. They are made of alpaca and the scratchiness of the fabric together with the tightness of the fit mean that anyone who is mad enough to spend £350 on them will be in a quandary whom to call first, her overdraft manager or Canesten. Ouch. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments – there were no comments at all last week and WTF was beside herself with worry that you don’t love her any more (Needy? Moi?). Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

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WTF Hunter Special

Hallo Readers

In The Pink Panther, an infuriated Chief Inspector Dreyfus tells his bungling subordinate, Inspector Clouseau, that Clouseau had failed to prevent a major jewel heist because he had not spotted that a beggar had in fact been the  lookout. Clouseau is aghast. ‘He was blind! How can a blind man be a lookout?’. To which Dreyfus explodes in reply ‘How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!’ 

WTF has a similar question. How can a legally blind man repair computers? And here is another question. Why would Hunter Biden, a rich man resident in California, fly 2,781 miles from his home in Los Angeles to Wilmington, Delaware with three water damaged MacBooks, take them to the aforesaid legally blind repairer (who is also a staunch Trump supporter and conspiracy theorist AND IS CALLED MAC), leave one of them with him, and then fly 2,718 miles home without it? And here is a third question. Why would he never collect it? His parents live in Wilmington. One of them could have popped in to collect it, or perhaps sent a minion for it. And here is a fourth question. What would the Trump-loving  repair man then hack into the computer’s hard drive, make copies of emails, saucy photos, and other such, send one to the FBI and the other, just weeks before the US election, to Donald Trump’s lawyer, swivel-eyed lunatic Rudy Giuliani? And if you believe that all of those questions have reasonable answers, here is a fifth question. Are you completely insane?

Just as Hillary Clinton had everything thrown at her in 2016, including allegations of murder, running a paedophile gang out of the basement of a Washington pizzeria (which does not, it happens, have a basement) and other crimes various, Trump is accusing Biden of corruption and criminality, mostly through the medium of Hunter, a former crackhead, who, admittedly without any real qualifications in the oil industry, was appointed to the board of a Ukrainian oil company, Burisma, on $$$$$$$ a week – this while his father, Vice-President Joe Biden, was in office. To date, no one has proved Joe did anything wrong, even a ludicrous Senate Committee which concluded that, er, they had no evidence of corruption. But Trump is not one to let that bother him, especially as the polls show him sinking like the Titanic. So he and Guiliani and their little band of brothers continue to assert that the emails (which have not been verified as genuine, as Guiliani is withholding the hard drive) are proof positive that this is the biggest political scandal ever since the last biggest political scandal ever (alleged spying on the Trump campaign, which turned out not to be a scandal after all).

The play is clear. Trump does not want to talk about the 220,000 who have died in the Covid pandemic. Or about why he has not produced a healthcare plan, despite his frequent assurances over the past four years, that he has one – like Billy Bunter’s postal order, it is always just about to come, but it never seems to arrive. Or about his policies, were he to be re-elected. It is much easier to tell lies about Biden (who is apparently going to abolish God and religion, despite being a staunch Catholic) and to complain about fake news, and to hold rallies for the morons who gobble this stuff up before they succumb to the virus caught at one from Trump’s super-spreader, maskless, overcrowded, events  and expire in an overcrowded ICU with Trump’s big, beautiful, ventilators going bleep, bleep, bleeeeeeeep…. As Obama observed on Wednesday, it is just so exhausting. Please, please, US voters. On or before 3 November, just make it stop.

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We start our review of the week’s clothing cockups with Strictly Come Dancing judge Motsi Mabuse, wearing Alex Perry.

WTF is getting retina fatigue just looking at Motsi, who for some unfathomable reason, is dressed as the orange sweet in the Quality Street Christmas tin.

Next up we have young marrieds, singer Justin Bieber and model Hailey Baldwin Bieber.

This is a rare sighting of Mme Bieber because she is not flaunting her bellybutton; instead, she is wearing  a couple of ripe aubergines on her legs. The shoes are gorgeous, although rather large. As for her spouse, he has reverted to the ridiculous dropped crotch look, which creates the inalienable impression that he has done a massive whoopsie in his night nappy.

Meet celebritee and model Jordyn Woods, Kylie Jenner’s best friend, wearing something from her own collection for Pretty Little Thing.

Jordan bolted out of nowhere to be everywhere, including, allegedly, in the bed of her best friend’s sister’s babyfather. Whatever it is, it looks like a nightie. And it gives us far too much of an eyeful of Jordan’s arse-cheeks, which would be better kept under wraps.

Here is director John Waters at the Rome Film Festival, wearing a most remarkable suit.

Yurgle. This has been stitched together from a set of ancient tea towels, made more offensive by the matching Sketchers, specially selected for the bunioned foot of the late middle-aged. But most disturbing is that smudge of a pencil moustache, like a smear remaining after consuming a stick of liquorice.

Here is actress and shoe designer Sarah Jessica Parker outside her shoe emporium in New York, wearing a thing by Hanifa, and some of her own footwear. Oh, and black panties.

You can call it whatever you want, but this is a slanket, the sort of thing you buy online from Amazon for £39.99.  Hanifa’s version costs £159 and unlike the voluminous slanket, it shows your panties when you walk.

Now we have British rapper Steflon Don, emerging from elegant Chinese eatery, Hakkasan in London.

Hakkasan is deeply delicious and horribly expensive, and patrons have the right to tuck into their Peking Duck with Heritage caviar (£320) without catching sight of Stef with everything hanging out and flopping about. If boxer Jack Johnson went out for posh nosh wearing a bra and a pink silk cagoule, this is what he would have looked like.

Finally, we have singer Noah Cyrus, sister of  Miley Cyrus, at the CMT 2020 Awards, wearing not enough.

What is it with those Cyrus sisters and their obsession with Minge Moments, real or faux? And yes, I’ve used this before, but here it comes again. As Cheese observed in Tin Men, WTF’s favourite film, ‘there’s definitely some sort of sickness that runs in that family…..

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington. Of course she thinks that Donald Trump has got to go on 20 January 2021.  But his makeup/makeup artiste has got to go well before that…

Trump used to be more orange than an orange, something he blamed on the effect of environmentally -correct LED light bulbs. But now he is burnt umber and is the colour of one of those bedpans you see hanging on the walls of country pubs. Nothing and nobody has a face that colour, and if you look closely, his crinkles and hair line are snowy white, which means that his isn’t that colour either.


No, WTF cannot stand it any more. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments, which have been a bit sparse recently. You know WTF frets when that happensLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

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WTF It’s A Result Special

Hallo Readers,

Never say that Britain is not a place of opportunity. Because it is not true.  It does not matter whether you are untalented. It does not matter whether you or your company has a history of serial failure. It does not matter whether your company has no history at all. You could receive a very lucrative contract, courtesy of Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers. And if you mess it up, do not grieve – like London buses, there is another contract on its way, even better than the previous one…. 

European law stipulates that public bodies must put contracts out to tender. But that rule does not apply in an emergency, and we are in the middle of one hell of an emergency. And so contracts for PPE and Track and Trace can be awarded without tendering, which means that a number of companies have held their aprons open to catch the golden eggs. A few weeks ago we considered the case of Ayanda Capital, an investment company registered in Mauritius with no experience of PPE, not even of any kind, which ended up with an order for £160m of face masks. Sadly, the face masks were unusable.   The original contract was awarded to a person called Andrew Mills who advises the Board of Trade, chaired by Liz Truss, Secretary of State for International Trade.  Mills then asked for the contract to be transferred from his little £100 company to Ayanda, to which he was a senior board adviser. Now we learn of TAEG Energy, which got orders for £50m worth of hand sanitiser. The company has one director and four employees and works out of a farmhouse near Hitchin in Hertfordshire. Another company, Meller Designs, which normally designs and makes fragrances and homewares for M&S, has managed to land several contracts for PPE to a value of some £140m. It is of course a complete coincidence that the owner of Meller is a Tory donor.

And then there is Serco, paid millions to run the Track and Trace system, a project which has been cocked up royally, failing either to track or to trace a large number people who may or may not have been infected. Nor is this the first contract Serco has botched, including its dismal performance on the tagging system for prisoners on release, which saw it fined £19m for fraud and false accounting. Yet here it is, back again and in charge of a crucial project. This week we discovered that Serco is paying outside consultants £7K a day (OUR £7K a day). And yet the whole project is so inept that WTF harbours doubt whether this lot could find an elephant in a cupboard.

And let us not forget Baroness Dido Harding, who was appointed recently to run the new National Institute for Health Protection, and is also heading up the aforementioned Track and Trace system. To describe her as useless and unqualified would be unduly flattering; nor is she the person you would want in charge of people’s confidential information, given that she presided over Britain’s worst ever data breach whilst at Talk Talk.  In 2015, 157,000 customers had their data hacked, for which the company was fined a record £400,000 by the Information Commissioner for ‘abdicating its security obligations’. Harding is married to John Penrose, a Tory MP who is mates with Boris Johnson and Co. Again, this is doubtless a coincidence.

But Readers, be of good cheer! There is a Government Anti-Corruption Champion. Surely he is the man to look into these matters and ask why these people keep getting awarded top swag work without proper process. Hurrah! His name is John Penrose MP.  Oh….hang on…..

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We  start our review of the week’s clothing crapulence with rapper Lil Nas X, wearing Gucci at the Billboard Awards

If you want to wear fancy dress, why go to Gucci when there are  perfectly good costume hire shops available? And why would you want to go anywhere dressed as Kaa the Snake in The Jungle Book?

Next we have glamour model and demi-celebritee Demi Rose in the Maldives, wearing Fashion Nova. Well, I say wearing….

WARNING – MINGE MOMENT ALERT!!!

Bloody hell, that waxing must have hurt. Like, bigly hurt. It makes your eyes water just looking at it. Not to mention the scrunching of the thong over her lady parts. This is a veritable Call for the Canesten moment. If a zebra wanted to flash her minge, Demi would be her inspiration.

Here is singer Jason Derulo, whom we haven’t seen for a while, wearing Louis Vuitton at the premiere of the new Disney thing, Clouds…..

More proof, were proof required, that Louis Vuitton is having a laugh. Take a  jacket from a pile of discarded denim jumble destined for homeless persons, stick a few patches of LV monogramed fabric on it and charge $700. Jason compounded his offences against retinas by pairing the aforesaid jacket with a pair of snow boots last seen on Nanook of the Frozen North.

 

 

Making a return to these pages is singer Gwen Stefani, wearing tat for a photoshoot.

WTF does not even know what this is supposed to be, and why a pair of very manky shorts is paired with fishnet tights and cowboy boots. Gwen looks as though she has gone several rounds with a pissed-off leopard, and she has the blood in her hair to show for it.


This is Gossip Girl actress Roxane Mesquita at Cannes Series 2020 (she is one of the judges) wearing who can even say what?

So we have had the tit window and now we have the pins pane. The whole thing is dreadful and seems to have been made out of one of those paper concertina lanterns.

Now say hallo to rapper Cardi B at her 28th birthday party, wearing Lena Barisha.

If Cleopatra was ever forced to dash out of the Royal Palace in the middle of the night, clutching a bedsheet around her, she would have looked just like Cardi.

Finally, we have NFL player Cam Newton arriving for training with The New England Patriots, wearing who knows what?

Goodness me. He resembles a bowl of custard in silly shoes…..

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh, who spotted this photo tweeted by Lucy James, a fellow Geordie who lives further away from Newcastle than Yvonne does, namely in San Francisco. Lucy posted a photo of a Halloween display in a store,  featuring Oogie Boogie, a character from Tim Burton’s The Night Before Christmas. For the uninitiated, Oogie Boogie is a burlap sack filled with insects and spiders with a snake for a tongue.

The American obsession with Halloween is absolutely nauseating at the best of times, but this takes the biscuit as Oogie seems to have gone trans and is displaying a very prominent camel toe. This is not what you want to see when you nip out for a pumpkin and a can of tinned tomatoes.  It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

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WTF It’s a Blessing Special

Hallo Readers,

We should never forget the old adage that it is an ill wind which blows nobody any good. There are many who believe that Donald Trump was sent by God unto us to Make America Great Again. And now it seems that God sent Covid 19 unto Donald Trump, and not because he is a reckless moron who never wore a mask, held functions, parties and rallies, and did everything save walk around with a sign around his neck reading Covid! Come and Get Me’. No. He sent it unto Trump as a blessing. Although Trump had to be helicoptered to hospital and pumped full of steroids and drugs various, he got better in 72 hours. And not only did he get better in 72 hours, but he himself asked for the new wonder-drug which hitherto had never been tested on anyone other than a couple of lab rats.  And now he is fitter than ever! Never mind artisans carving his face on Mount Rushmore, he could abseil it without crampons and carve it himself. He alighted from his helicopter back from Walter Reed and climbed the outside staircase at the White House to the Truman Balcony, where he ripped off his mask in a display on manliness last seen when Vladimir Putin rode his horse bareback in the Urals. There he stood, bestriding the petty world like a colossus, his newly-made-up orange complexion set defiant to the world. Sadly, the effect was slightly spoilt by the two minor matters that he could barely breathe and that the mask had taken off some of the macquillage around his cheeks, but that would be to carp. Our hero, still maskless, then walked into the White House, where he recorded a video in which he assured his fellow Americans that they should not let Covid dominate their lives. Alas, this advice came too late for the 212,000 fellow Americans who have died since March, and who continue to die at the rate of about 1,000 a day. In another video recorded the next day in the Rose Garden, that Petri dish of infection which has taken out half his staff, he told us that he felt great, that the new drug, whose name he got wrong, was not a ‘therapeutic’ but a ‘cure’ and that he, Trump, would ensure that everyone got it for free. Not that it is actually licensed yet.

Of course, the medical term for this is ‘bollocks’. As we do not know when he first started to display symptoms, or when he last tested negative, we do not know how far through his illness he actually is. We more than suspect that the reason he will not disclose when he last tested negative, was because he probably ignored the first positive test and went on doing rallies and the Debate with Joe Biden, and lied about it. We do not know whether this steroid-induced high will then wear off, only for him to crash again. But he is back in the Oval Office and raring to hit the campaign trail. We do know that he is still shedding the virus, putting at risk those of his staff, donors and supporters who have so far avoided catching it from him and his acolytes.  And we do know that this vile sociopath does not give a damn who gets ill because of him and his super-spreader events. And anyway, if they do get ill, he will cure them with the new miracle cure he prescribed himself, the name of which he does not actually know. Because it is an ill wind that blows nobody any good. Even though it is blowing out of Trump’s arse.

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We start our review of the week’s awful apparel with singer Katy Perry, who is back at work as a judge on American Idol after giving birth to her first child. She is wearing Christian Siriano.

There is a lot going on here, and all of it bovine. A stupid hat. Puff sleeves. A cape. Trousers and matching shoes. Katy is not a cow and she should not dress as one.

Next up, we have model Abbey Clancy out and about in Knightsbridge, wearing Filles a Papa and a sheepskin coat.

Look, Abbey. We know you have a fabulous figure and that you are a mother of four, but either walk around stark naked or wear proper clothes. At the very least, buy a bloody bra. Oh, and that coat makes you like Del Boy in Only Fools and Horses.

Here’s Rita Ora! She posed on Instagram wearing David Koma.

Be-jewelled leather shorts are just silly and those pointed tits are very Amazonian.

Meet singer Miguel Pimentel and his wife, model Nazanin Mandi. She is wearing Savage x Fenty (Rihanna’s label). He is wearing a jacket by The Soloist and trousers by Des Pierrot

Nazanin is wearing a bra with a wisp of voile over it. A wisp of voile is not a top. Not even at all. Her spouse is doing that no-shirt thing, which WTF hates almost above all things, and his outfit looks as if it was stitched together from left-over scraps of fabric by girl guides making a patchwork quilt for charity.

Also at the Fenty event was heiress and DJ Paris Hilton, wearing Walter Collection.

OK, WTF is bored now. Can women please stop going out in public looking like workers in sadomasochism salons? And those socks are putrid.

And here is a third attendee in silly clothes, Spanish singer Rosalía wearing Sevali Haute Couture. It looks like Louis Vuitton. But it isn’t.

If a fish-gutter went to a fancy-dress party  as a packhorse, this is what he would look like.

And he’s back again! Of course he is. This is racing champion Lewis Hamilton arriving at the F1 Grand Prix of Tuscany at Mugello Circuit a few weeks ago, wearing MSGM.

First, no grown man should be scooting about on a scooter. Second, this may be a hyper-cool label MSGM, but the outfit was last seen on a retired dentist in Fort Lauderdale. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT HAT? As WTF aficionado Ruth suggested, it must have been inspired by Kevin and Perry Go Large In Ibiza……

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionados Tony from Chislehurst and Dan from Stevenage, who are outraged by Arsenal’s cruel treatment of their mascot Gunnersaurus, or rather Jerry Quy, who has worn the costume for 23 years, but has just been given the heave-ho.

Arsenal say that Gunnersaurus is redundant as there is no one for him to entertain and no kiddies for him to lead out onto the pitch for their pre-match kickabout. Tony and Dan point out that the club is awash with money. Dan adds that Jerry probably earns about £25K a year and the redundancy was announced on the same day as the club signed a new player for £45 million. Now Mesut Ozil, who is on £400K a week, (but is not actually playing as he has pissed off the manager, or his teammates, or both) has said that he will personally pay Jerry’s wages. That is as may be, but it still shows Arsenal in a very bad light. Greedy bastards. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

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WTF Goose and Gander Special

Hallo Readers,

WTF had never heard of Margaret Ferrier,  Scottish Nationalist MP for Hamilton and Rutherglen, until she watched Channel 4 News at 7 pm on Thursday, where she learned that Ms Ferrier had been feeling unwell last Saturday, had had a Covid test that very day, and had then travelled by train from Hamilton to London, a journey of about six hours, on Monday before she had got the result. She then addressed the House of Commons on Coronavirus and its effect on Scottish jobs. On Monday evening, she received the news that she had tested positive. The next morning, she took the train back to Scotland, another six hour trip and has since been self-isolating. During that ninety-six hour period, MPs, train customers and probably taxi drivers were all subject to the turbulent vortex of Ms Ferrier’s droplets. And of course, the journeys were paid for by us, the taxpayers. Ms Ferrier has since apologised ‘unreservedly’ for breaking the law, which she described as ‘a mistake’. No, love. Leaving your credit card in the store is a mistake. Buying into the bi-annual myth that aubergine is the new black is a mistake. Travelling four hundred miles each way by train to speak on Scottish Covid policies is sheer irresponsibility, putting others at risk. You are not some skanky student dancing on a table in the college dining room while gurning into your iPhone. It was certainly nice of you to start your speech by thanking NHS workers for their efforts, but they would probably have preferred that you had not potentially given them extra work to do, because they are already exhausted and run off their feet.

Ms Ferrier has been suspended from her party and is facing calls to resign. But then, as we all know, what is sauce for the goose is not sauce for the gander. Not when the gander is the Prime Minister’s own personal Rasputin, who drove himself and his family to Durham, rather than staying put after he, or his wife, or both of them, who even knows, had tested positive for the virus, and a few weeks later,  saw fit to ‘test his eyesight’ by taking a sixty miles round trip to a local beauty spot on his wife’s birthday. On that occasion, obsequious Cabinet Ministers rushed to Twitter to praise Dominic Cummings for acting as any father would by ensuring that his young son would be near to his paternal grandparents, should both he and his wife become incapacitated and unable to look after him. 

Meanwhile, WTF needs to ask this question. How the hell did Ms Ferrier get a test on the very day she started feeling unwell? But at least Londoners now know where to go if we need an urgent Covid test. Pass me the railway timetable …

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial slurry with our valiant PM Boris Johnson at a builder’s training centre in Exeter.

Look, not only is he a poor Prime Minister, but he looks like a sack of shit. Those can only be described as comedy trousers which do not fit anywhere, particularly around the crotch, and they are also concertina’d around his ankles. The tie is going for a walk stage right and his hair looks as if a mop has randomly dropped upon his head.

Here is ‘actress’ and presenter Amanda Holden stirring up a storm on Britain’s Got Talent, wearing Celia Kritharioti.

Britain may or may not have talent, but Amanda’s main talent is to keep on the right side of tombstone-toothed Simon Cowell, the purveyor of the aforesaid rubbishy show, and to flash as much flesh as possible on prime time television. Like this dress, which displays acres of tittage and threatens an imminent Minge Moment.

235 saddo citizens apparently complained about Amanda’s décolletage and possible nip-slip. Which of course was the whole point of her wearing it. As Oscar Wilde remarked, it is better to be talked about than not talked about….

Next we have Model Cara Delevigne, looking very silly. 

Yi-haw!!! Cara is clearly inspired by Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy, only he wasn’t wearing a bra.

Now we meet car heiress and Italian reality star  Elettra Lamborghini getting married to a Dutch DJ called Afrojack, who used to go out with Paris Hilton. Clearly, he likes ’em rich….. The bride is wearing Gahlia Lahav.

 

This is Elettra’s second appearance in this column and she was not wearing enough then either. Call WTF old-fashioned, but if you are going to get married in what looks like a very traditional marriage by the side of Lake Como, it would be better if your arse was not visible through the sides of your wedding dress. Frankly, she should have borrowed the security attendant’s facemark and stuck it on her bum. And that is not all…..

Her cups runneth over…….

Next up we have actress Bella Thorne with her boyfriend Benjamin Mascolo, out and about in Hollywood

Bella looks like the lovechild of Madame Whiplash and GI Jane with a dinky little Chanel bag. And WTF hates a tattooed leg almost above all things.

Finally, here is actress Maisie Williams (aka Arya Stark in Game of Thrones) at Paris Fashion Week, wearing Dior.

WTF loves Maisie but Dior has dressed her as a fisherman who has forgotten his trousers. Why would you buy this from Dior when you can get the same thing in a sporting goods store for a trillionth of the price?

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from many outraged women both on Twitter and among WTF’s acquaintance, all of whom are incensed by the dress code imposed on her staff by top divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag. In a memo last year, which has only just come to light, she demands that women lawyers should be ‘discreetly sexy and colourful and flamboyant at the same time according to your preference’ and should aim for ‘a Chanel/Dior/Armani look’ with ‘nothing homespun or homely’. Men should recall the rule ‘never brown in town’. Is she is paying them enough to wear Chanel, Dior or Armani?  One hopes so. 

She’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

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WTF Voter Fraud Special

Hallo Readers,

We could all see where Donald Trump was heading. He has been laying the foundations for some time. He told us that mail-in voting was wrong. Until he remembered that he himself voted by mail. As did Melania Trump. And Ivanka Trump. And half of his entourage. And a lot of Republican voters, particularly in Florida. At which point, mail-in voting became OK, as long as it was in a state run by Republican governors, but states which mail your ballot to you automatically were bad, bad, bad, because thousands of those votes would go astray and be used by the evil Democrats to vote in Joe Biden, who could never win on his own because he doesn’t know what day it is, and anyway, there has never been a President who has done more for [fill in ethnic minority group/the army/veterans/billionaires, as applicable] than Trump? Then he tried to nobble the US Post Office, claiming that it could not now cope with the influx of postal votes. Then he started telling us that there were multiple examples of fraudulent voting, without deigning to produce any actual proof of any. Then his Attorney -General, Bill Barr, told us that there would be multiple examples of fraudulent voting, because ‘it was common sense that there would be’. Then Trump told us that that the only way he could lose was if the Democrats rigged the vote. Meanwhile, there are over 200 suits brought by Republicans against states offering mail-in voting. And this week he worked up to his crescendo of crapulence, refusing to confirm that if he lost the election on 3 November, there would be a peaceful transfer of power. The ballots were, he said, ‘a disaster…Get rid of the ballots and you’ll have a very peaceful — there won’t be a transfer, frankly. There will be a continuation.’ This led voting supremo Elle. Weintraub to retort  ‘In case anyone is unclear on the concept, in the United States of America, we do not ‘get rid of’ ballots. We count them’.

Members of Trump’s re-election team are talking to Republic states about the possibility of their invalidating any Biden wins by declaring the voting process unlawful and calling the state for Trump instead. Which would end up in the Supreme Court. Meanwhile, in another part of the Forest, Trump is rushing to replace Supreme Court Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who died last week aged 87, before 3 November because, as he freely admitted, if the Supreme Court needs to adjudicate upon a challenge to the election result (i.e. his challenge), there would be a court of nine justices available. Including the ones that  he knows will vote for him.

And this, Readers, is the USA, the so-called Leader of Free World and Bastion of Democracy. The President cannot be defeated. If he wins, he has won. If he loses, he has still won, because it is not possible that he has lost. And if the case goes to the Supreme Court, it will be decided by the Judges he appointed, including the one he appointed to ensure that he wins.  These are antics that would shame a 1970s Banana Republic. And let us not forget the army of crazies who will be encouraged to take to the streets with their AR15s, asserting their unalienable right to shoot anybody they don’t like the look of. Which is anyone who does not like Donald Trump. As Bette Davies in All About Eve remarked, ‘Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night’. Or, in this case, nights……

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We start our review of the week’s clothing cloaca with epidemiologist Professor Chris Whitty, looking scruffy.

WTF has targeted Professor Whitty before, because if you are going to instruct the Nation to hunker down and see nobody apart from your wife, your mother-in-law and your Uncle Bob, you need to look like a proper person, and not a dosser sleeping in a cardboard box in the Strand. The shirt  is not fresh on, the collar is not properly buttoned à la Just William, and the suit was borrowed from Lurch. Epic fail. 

This is TOWIE personage Yazmin Oukhellou, who wins the WTF Palomino Pony Award. This is the award given for fake brown legs and white feet, like Yazmin here. What on earth went wrong mid-calf downwards? Did she get bored before she got to the ankles?

 This is as bad as it gets….. the bar has been set high for future contestants….

Here is singer Miley Cyrus at the IHeart Radio Awards, wearing Mugler.

OK, gents, put your eyeballs back in their sockets and your tongues back in your mouths. Miley is gorgeous with a banging body. But she would still be gorgeous with a banging body without showing us nearly all of it, and emphasising the technical excellence of her waxing technician. Answer me this – did any of the men attending this event, virtually or otherwise, attend with their bums hanging out and their googlies on display? I think not…..

How we have country singer Kelsea Ballerini, wearing Raisa and Vanessa. 

Oh dear….she looks like a draped window. And will women PLEASE STOP doing that ridiculous leg-out pose?

We are now at Milan Fashion Week with singer Rita Ora attending in person, wearing Fendi.

This is a very nice jacket.  It is just that it ought to have been worn with something else. Like a skirt. Or trousers. Or anything, other than a flash of arse cheek. And those socks and shoes were last seen in a Renoir painting.

To the virtual Emmy Awards 2020 and actress Tracee Ellis Ross, wearing Minge Maestro Alexandre Vauthier.

WTF is all for dressing up, and laying a Red Carpet in your garden is an excellent compromise in these days of Covid, but this crinklefest with its threat of an imminent Minge Moment looks like the love child of a toilet roll dolly and a tired lettuce.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, we have actor Jeremy Strong, wearing something ghastly at the virtual Emmy Awards 2020.

WTF adores Jeremy, whom she first spotted as Vinny in The Big Short a few years ago, and he richly deserved his Best Actor award for Succession, particularly the last scene.

But…

This ensemble will not do. Not even at all. Not only is it a nasty colour, like nappy poo, with shoulders better suited to Vin Diesel, but that scarf looks like something borrowed from a Boy Scout uniform. 

Jeremy has a penchant for brown, a hue popular in the 1970s. At last year’s Emmys, he wore this excrescence. It didn‘t fit anywhere and that bow tie was very bar mitzvah boy. WTF cannot believe she missed it first time round…..

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Anne from Surrey who took against Sir John Hayes, the Sir Bufton Tufton of the 21st century Tory Party, and MP for Deeping.

Sir John, recently seen waving a Trump 2020 banner with his mates from the DUP, objected to having to undergo unconscious bias training because it was ‘mind control’ and because it is apparently OK to have bias towards one’s own community. Er, no, it isn’t. You are a paid public servant, matey. Maybe some training would stop you being such an arse. You’ve Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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