WTF Mask Special

Hallo Readers,

‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Oh, and the right to infect other people with COVID19’.

The Founding Fathers provided for irresponsible spreading of germs. And made sure that right was documented.In the UK we have no written constitution, but we do have the European Convention of Human Rights (to which we are still a signatory, despite the belief of certain Brexiteers). That guarantees us the rights to freedom of speech, expression and religious belief.  And that, it seems, gives boneheads the right to spread contagion in the name of liberty. And, it appears, the Almighty. In the US, there have been extraordinary scenes where Libertarians various (i.e. morons) have protested their unalienable right not to wear a mask on the grounds that ‘it kills people’ and that it interferes ‘with God’s wonderful breathing system’. Doctors might tell you that COVID19 is bad for God’s wonderful breathing system, in that it stops you breathing. But the anti-maskers are adamant. WTF is unaware of the passage in the Bible which forbids wearing a mask, but what does she know? She can’t find the bit about shooting kiddies at random either, but it seems that God is big on that one too.

Donald Trump, of course, does not like wearing a mask. He considers it unpresidential, unlike, for example, having a face the colour of a satsuma or retweeting pensioners shouting ‘White Power’ or accusing cable news network hosts of murder. He considers that it shows weakness, this from a #bunkerboy cowering in the White House basement and then tear-gassing peaceful protesters in order to clear the way for a stroll to a church he doesn’t worship at and holding a Bible he doesn’t read. And so his idiot supporters also scorn wearing one. They convene at his rallies and firework displays without one, only to go down like ninepins a few days later. ‘Dulce e decorum est pro Trumpium mori…..’

Over here, people are equally as dumb. Last week, hundreds of thousands of people crowded onto the Beach at Bournemouth, the Boca Raton of the South,  spreading out their towels and their sausage roll picnics inches from the next set of sun-worshippers. Public toilets were not open and so they peed and shat anywhere and everywhere like incontinent puppies. There was not a mask in sight, not even to use as loo paper. One chap, half-man, half-lobster, and clearly the Emeritus Professor of Epidemiology at Trump University (in liquidation), was interviewed on the telly. ‘Well’, quoth he, ‘I suppose there will be a second wave after this, innit? I mean, I dunno really, I don’t know no one what’s had it”.  Yup. Professor Brainstorm does not know any of those 517,000 people who have died of the virus across the world, so it isn’t really a thing, right? And this weekend, pubs and restaurants, hairdressers and cinemas will be opening for business and there is no law requiring anyone to wear a mask. What could possibly go wrong?

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In Luke 24 it is recounted how Jesus said unto whomsoever it was He said it unto, “Ye will surely say unto me this proverb, Physician, heal thyself: whatsoever we have heard done in Capernaum, do also here in thy country”. Following His guidance, WTF has an occasional series called ‘Physician, heal thyself’  featuring fashion designers looking like a sack of shit in their own stuff.  So let us consider them over the past eight years, starting in August 2012 with Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld in Cannes.

Karl was always creepy, bless him, but this is really creepy, like the love child of Nosferatu and the Swedish chef from The Muppets. And those trousers were so snug that the zip had gone for a walk and ended up several inches away from where it should have been.

In November 2012 Stella McCartney attended (and won a prize at) the British Fashion Awards.

Stella looked like a cross between one of the Seven Dwarves and a rhinestone scuba diver who has farted in her wetsuit.

In October 2013, Nadine Merabi was seen at a charity ball organised by Manchester United in this creation, as a result of which she was a the runaway winner of the 2013 WTF Summer Stinker award. Easy now…..  THIS IS BAD!!!

MAJOR MINGE MOMENT ALERT!!  Readers will be unsurprised to learn that Nadine’s clientele consists of soap stars, WAGS and celebritees various, all anxious to flash the flesh in bits of mesh with embroidery providing faux pubes over your newly waxed lady parts. The colour of the embroidery brings to mind Stormy Daniels’ memorable description of Donald Trump’s ‘yeti pubes’, and that seam is downright ugly.

 

 

Here we are in August 2014 at the Video Music Awards, where we encounter persistent offender Jeremy Scott, Creative Designer of Moschino. 

Well this was colourful. Mind you, so is vomit. If a rubber duck went to a fancy dress party as a ringmaster, this is what it would look like.

 

In November 2015 Alessandro Michele,  Creative Designer of Gucci, popped up at the British Fashion Awards in this ridiculous suit,

He wore a ribbon tie like John Wayne visiting a Western saloon, and the suit HAD MATCHING SHOES!!!!! The whole thing was a Laura Ashley wet dream.

In December 2015, we came across Ralph Lauren with his wife, photographer and author Ricky Lauren. 

Which one of them forgot to pack their trousers? Did they have a fight about which of them was going to wear the only available pair? Did Ralph give up the bottom half of his suit to his wife, like Sir Walter Raleigh laying down his cloak for Queen Elizabeth?

In December 2017, the British Fashion Awards welcomed young Brit designer Matty Dovan.

Matty thought it would be a really good idea to pitch up dressed as a rag-doll version of Madame Butterfly. Why he thought it, WTF cannot say. 

In February 2019, Tommy Hilfiger and his wife Dee Ocleppo (who is also a designer) turned up at the Grammys. 

It was Tommy who dressed his Worldwide Clothing Ambassador Lewis Hamilton in that very silly kilt causing WTF aficionado and patriotic Scot Martyn to spit out his porridge. This suit is even worse, as there is a lot more tartan. Tommy looks like a one-man version of the Tartan Army.

In December 2019 Donatella Versace came to the British Fashion Awards

The dress would have been lovely on someone with a 32AA cup  and the colour was gorgeous. But there was a distressing amount of spilth around the tit department, like raspberry soufflés tumbling out of their ramekins.

We conclude in February 2020 and Richard Malone at the BAFTAs held at the Royal Albert Hall in London.

You what? Really? Was he going bullfighting? Frankly, the combination of the elephant-vagina crotch, the too-short trousers and those frightful platform boots left one rooting for the bull.

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF who continues to be outraged by Propaganda Barbie aka Kayleigh McEnany, the White House Press Secretary. The so-called Christian has continued to lie her head off to comical effect. This week she assured an aghast Press Corps that Trump was ‘the best informed person on Planet Earth when it comes to the threats we face’. Yeah and WTF is the tooth fairy…..

However, what chiefly caused Kayleigh’s return to this section was her hair parting. What is going on in that parting? Admittedly all of us have hair a lot less good that it was pre-COVID lockdown, but few of us look like something has d(r)ied on our head. WTF chooses not to speculate what it was in there, but whatever it was, It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery.  And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND/OR DISTANCED IF YOU CAN, AND WASH YOUR HANDS  x

 

 

 

 

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WTF Whoops, Sorry Special

Hallo Readers,

In series 2 of the original Spitting Image, the Almighty appeared and sang Whoops, Sorry, I Cocked It Up Again’,  including the line ‘Why Did I let Timmy Mallet get to Number 1′?. Frankly, the Tory Party should ditch ‘Land Of Hope and Glory’ and adopt the Spitting Image song, because the cock ups keep coming. We’ve had Dominic Cummings on a sixty mile drive to test his eyesight, the total mishandling of the Covid-19 crisis, and now smarmy Robert Jenrick caught with his Ministerial trousers down. Jenrick overruled a local authority to grant planning permission to Billionaire Richard Desmond, and did so in time for Desmond to avoid an additional £40m in local taxes. Desmond and Jenrick had met at a Tory fundraising dinner, swapped mobile numbers like lovestruck teenagers, and then kept in touch with the rebarbative Desmond stating that he did not wish ‘to give his doe (sic) to Marxists’, a reference to Tower Hamlets Borough Council,  the poorest and most deprived council in Europe. Jenrick has since acknowledged that his intervention was unlawful for its appearance of bias and planning permission has been set aside, to be decided by someone else. And it now appears that Johnson was at the same dinner and had also played metaphorical footsie with Desmond.  But Johnson, as he did with Cummings, has declared that there is nothing to see here and that the matter is closed. 

Donald Trump once famously declared that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and Republicans would still vote for him. Similarly, one is bound to ask what on earth do you have to do in this Government to get the sack? Lying is clearly not a problem, nor could it be with Johnson at its helm. Breaking lockdown is not a problem. Running the department that grants planning permission to someone you chatted to over noisettes d’agneau à la Thatcher and apricot clafoutis gets you Prime Ministerial support. WTF is worried that Ministers will have to up their game to get the push and will start staging armed robberies of Bond Street jewellers or torturing cats. 

In contrast, Labour Leader Keir Starmer sacked his former rival for the post, Rebecca Long-Bailey, from her Shadow Education brief after she tweeted an interview in The Independent with actress Maxine Peake, who had suggested à propos of George Floyd, that the US Police had taken seminars in chokeholds from the Israeli Defence Forces. This was bollocks and Peake has since admitted she was wrong. Starmer took the view that antisemitic conspiracy theories should not be endorsed, even indirectly, by a member of his Shadow Front Bench, and anyway it gave him a chance to give her the heave-ho, which he seized with alacrity. WTF has not spared her criticism of the Labour Party’s mishandling of antisemitism, but wonders whether this could not have been better handled, with more negotiation and less virtue signalling. Long-Bailey was tone-deaf, given Starmer’s determination to rebuild relations with the Jewish community, and  she should have disavowed Peake’s statement on the IDF whilst endorsing her pro-Labour comments, but surely he should have sat down with her first? So the week ends with one prominent politician still in situ and another in shittu. Funny old game, politics……..

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Just for a change, today we turn our back on celebrity fashion and concentrate on the very best, or should that be worst, of the feature we began in 2014 called It’s Got To Go.  Loyal readers send in things that are getting on their nerves. This can be a politician, or some poncy food matter like the absurd tendency to serve food on things other than plates, or dodgy clothing items, and sometimes they come with photos. Read on. And be prepared to be shocked. As in needing a defibrillator shocked……

In June 2014, WTF aficionado David complained about Thom Browne’s new line of suits, as modelled here by the designer himself, composed of ridiculous shorts worn with shrunken jackets and brogues without socks. Kill me now.

He looks ridiculous. The jacket is inspired by the ones worn by late comic Norman Wisdom, a man much revered in Albania where they have a statue of him. And Thom’s tie is more askew than Donald Trump’s polling figures.

In December 2014, WTF aficionado Michael from Sydney discovered this. WTF wishes that he had never done so. But he did. DEEP BREATH, NOW. IT’S ONLY A TROMPE L’OEIL.  Meet the Colombian Ladies Cycling Team.

There is only one question. WHY? Frankly, the answer provided by the designer, Angie Tatiana Rojos, does not quite cut it. ‘The patch of fabric covering the rider’s crotch and midriff is gold, not nude as the photo made it appear. It’s sad that it takes something like this for cycling, and women’s cycling in particular, to get this much press’. Yeah right. Give women faux-midriffs and a faux minge and then express surprise when people express surprise. Who knew that would happen?

In January 2015, WTF aficionados David, Jan and Trisha were all shocked, and with good reason, by designer Rick Owens sending male models down the runway with a bad case of penis peek. WARNING!!!!!! MALE GENITALIA ON PARADE!!  SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE…….

Acording to Rick, ‘I thought it was the most simple, primal gesture—and you know I love a simply tiny, little gesture that packs the wallop’. Codswallop more like..…. No one wants to see a penis peephole. Yurgle.

In September 2015 WTF aficionado @GazaBoatConvoy shifted her attention from matters Palestinian to this disgusting backpack, known as the Scrote Tote.

Citizens have the right to go about their lawful business without being confronted with a giant scrotum, not to mention one much nearer to eye level than would normally be the case where two people are both standing up. As WTF aficionado Cath remarked, ‘Imagine being stuck in a tube carriage at rush hour with that inches from your face’. Indeed.

The following week, the Scrote Tote was challenged for awfulness by the late, lamented WTF aficionado Andrew Purnell, who sadly died last year. He produced these plastic bull testicles.

They are hung from the trailer hitch of your pick-up truck in Texas. You can buy them in a wide choice of colours, from realistic tans and browns through to pastels and winding up at bright fluorescent primary colours that glow in the dark. Just say no.

In March 2016 WTF aficionado Leslie brought this item to our appalled gaze – the cantaloupe panties.

This could possibly be one the worst things ever in the history of ever.  Made worse by the fact that the model’s bikini wax makes her look like a plucked chicken with freezer burn,

In May 2017, WTF aficionado Sarah complained about this ludicrous Chanel boomerang,

Indigenous Australians were unhappy at what they saw as cultural appropriation, not to mention a blatant ripoff. Chanel grovelled and issued a statement claiming that it ‘is extremely committed to respecting all cultures, and regrets that some may have felt offended’. Don’t you just hate it when someone ‘apologises’  without apologising? Chanel was not sufficiently sorry to withdraw this nonsense from sale. Not while there were people with more money than sense willing to pay £1,040 for it.

In June 2017, WTF aficionado Sally took extreme umbrage at these revolting Martin Margiela Tabi boots.

As Orwell put in at the end of Animal Farm, ‘The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.’ Sadly, these horrors are still hanging around on both men and women, most recently on actor Cody Fern at the Critics’ Choice Awards in 2019.

In August 2018, the wondrous Andrew Purnell again highlighted something totally disgusting – wait for it – Czech beer by ‘The Order of Yoni’.  made with ‘vaginal bacteria’.  Yes really.

The blurb for this devil’s brew reads: ‘A golden drink brewed with her lure and grace and flavored with wild instincts. Imagine a beer which every sip offers a rendez-vous with this hot woman of your dreams… she hugs you and kisses you gently, looking straight into your eyes… How much would you give for such a beer?.. ‘(Answer – zero. But I digress). ‘The beer containing quintessence of femininity….The secret of the beer lies in her vagina. Using hi-tech of microbiology, we isolate, examine and prepare lactic acid bacteria from vagina of a unique woman. The bacteria, lactobacillus, transfer woman’s features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers and other products, turning them into dance with lovely goddess.’ WTF is not sure how to put this politely, but if you want something tasting of vagina, there are other ways of getting it. Just saying……

It is a relief to get to September 2018, when WTF aficionado Rebecca drew our attention to this horrible jeans jacket, sold by US department stores Nordstrom for £370. 

£370 is an awful lot of money to look as if you have rolled about in a pigsty. Were you to buy a denim jacket from Uniqlo and a train ticket to the countryside, you could find a farm, roll around in the pigsty yourself, and still have enough left over to get a decent wardrobe.

In April 2020, WTF aficionado Yvonne brought this Trump sandwich to light.

That pile of ham would make a better President than the idiot Trump and the mouth is giving WTF nightmares. As is this steak, which Yvonne noticed last week on Twitter as featured by Peter A Macdonald. Wait for it…….

As Yvonne remarked, if this does’t turn you vegan, nothing will.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery.  And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the celebrity fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND/OR DISTANCED IF YOU CAN, AND WASH YOUR HANDS  x

 

 

 

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WTF TRUMP GANG FASHION SPECIAL

Hallo Readers,

In 1980, Mrs Thatcher made a speech at the Tory Party Conference in which she declared ‘You turn if you want to – the lady’s not for turning’. This was a play on words based on Christopher Fry’s The Lady’s Not For Burning,  but Thatcher, who lacked any  sense of humour, had no idea this was meant to be a pun. In contrast, Boris Johnson’s Government has already performed more U-turns than Steve McQueen in that famous car chase in Bullitt. It was only a few weeks ago that Johnson refused to exempt migrant NHS health workers from the Immigration Health Surcharge,  only to change his mind 24 hours later. And this week, the wheels have just kept on spinning. First, having refused to provide free school lunches for needy children during the school holidays, Johnson then agreed to do this after a brief campaign by Manchester United and England striker Marcus Rashford.  The boy done good and stuck it in the back of the net, leaving Johnson looking like the legendary  goalkeeper invented by Private Eye, one-legged Wally Foot. Had this been at Old Trafford, supporters would have showered Johnson with orange peel and crisp packets and possibly the odd pound coin, before being escorted out by stewards and coppers shouting incomprehensibly about wrongful arrest.

That was bad enough, but there was more! Never settle for one screw-up when you can get two. Politics as BOGOF – buy one, get one free. Only this offer has cost Tim and Tilly Tosser, the taxpayers, over £108m. Three months ago, Matt Hancock, who is making a determined bid for Chris Grayling’s crown as the worst Minister ever in the history of ever, decided to invest in a coronavirus tracing app that was supposed to identify via their smartphones those who had been in close contact with someone infected. Those in the know about such things warned that the system would not work but Hancock ploughed ahead, only to throw in the towel this week. It appeared that the NHS App only recognised 4% of iPhones and 75% of Android phones, because phones go to sleep when not in use and cannot be re-activated by Bluetooth. Plus the App had trouble distinguishing between one metre (bad) and three metres (good) and so was about as useful as tits on a fish.  £108m has gone glug-glug-glugging down the plughole and the system that was supposed to be up and running by May 2020 will neither be up nor running full stop and it is back to square one. So it is another triumph for Matt Hancock, the man who promised you 100,000 tests by the start of May (nope) and for this shit-show of a Government. Don’t you feel proud to be British?

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This week’s fashion retrospective features the Trump Family and their associates and nochschleppers. What an absolute shower. Let us start with the first Mrs Trump, former Czech skier Ivana Trump.  Here she is in Miami in April  2016 wearing a most ill-advised outfit.

Despite an acrimonious divorce, she and her ex are on good terms, to the chagrin of the third Mrs Trump.  But then, Ivana did well in the settlement, receiving a 45-room mansion in Greenwich, Connecticut, an apartment in Trump Plaza, the use of Florida hell-hole Mar-a-Lago for one month every year, plus $14 million.  You can live on it. As for the dress, it looks like one of those experiments you do at school in physics class using a magnet and iron filings. And it is way too short for a woman of 67.

Next up, we have Trump shill Kellyanne  Conway, the woman who brought you the new concept of ‘alternative facts’. Indeed, everything Kellyanne says qualifies as an alternative fact, because it sure ain’t a real fact, or anything approximate to it. Kellyanne pitched up at the Trump inauguration in January 2017 in Gucci.


 This cost $3,600!!! $3,600 to resemble a toy soldier.

Talking of Mar A Lago, welcome to Miami on New Year’s Eve 2017, where we find hosts Donald Trump and Melania Trump  ready to welcome their guests to dinner and dancing. She is wearing Erdem.

For a man with money, it is surprising that Trump cannot find a tailor to make him a decent pair of trousers. Melania’s dress, like every single thing she wears, was far too tight around the tits and made her look like a Christmas tree bauble.

In June 2018, Melania Trump went to visit migrant kiddies locked up in cages in Texas wearing a parka by Zara retailing at $39 99, the back of which read ‘I Really Don’t Care, Do You?’. This went down like a cup of cold sick, and rightly so.

Opinion was divided between the interpretation that she was having a poke at Trump (the nearest he probably gets to one these days), and having a poke at the Media, which seems to be part of the Trump DNA.  But either way, should FLOTUS really have behaved like Kevin the Teenager?

Another year, another New Year’s Eve at Mar a Lago, with the whole Trump Family. Meet Trump’s younger son by Ivana, Eric Trump, and his wife Lara Lea Trump.

Eric’s principal function is to make village idiots feel better about themselves. Lara currently helps to run the Trump Re-Election campaign. Like all Trump females, she has long hair and looks ready to bake you an apple pie or punch your face in, depending on your political alliances. For some reason, she chose to see in 2019 dressed as a mermaid.

June 2019 saw the whole Trump family, apart from young Barron, his son with Melanoma, in the UK for a State Visit, where they attended a White Tie Dinner at Buckingham Palace.  

The problem with being a 300-lb slob is that you are not built for the short, tight, white waistcoat under the tailcoat. To wear one would reveal a mountain of stomach overhanging your trousers like an awning over a shop front. His tailor therefore knocked up this extra-long truss-waistcoat, which made him look like the love child of Carson the Butler from Downton Abbey and Percy the Penguin. And where was his wing collar?

Donald Trump Jr was also in attendance.

Another terrible look. That tailcoat would been fitted his dad. He looked like the love child of Carson the Butler and a fucking idiot.

Trump’s adored daughter Ivanka Trump  visited Westminster Abbey with husband Jared Kushner. She was wearing a suit and fascinator by Alessandra Rich (£3,000) and Gianvito Rossi pumps (£700).

These two have done very well financially out of their roles as Trump’s advisers, but they should both be given the Medal of Honor for services to plastic – Nepotism Barbie and boyfriend Ken made flesh. The suit is horrible but the real horror here was that thing on her head, like a giant incontinence pad.

To the delight of absolutely no one, the Trumps were back in the UK in December 2019. They popped into Buckingham Palace for tea, she in a yellow Valentino Cape and magenta Louboutins.

Never say these two have nothing in common. Their faces and her legs were both sprayed the most ridiculous shade of toxic orange, but his little trotter hands and her elegantly manicured ones are as pink and smooth as a baby piglet.

March 2020 saw Lara Trump and Don Jr’s girlfriend, ex-Fox News presenter Kimberley Guilfoyle,  at Mar A Lago to greet the Brazilian President and to celebrate Kim’s 51st birthday.

Kimberley, who is almost ten years older than her beau, is also part of the Trump Re-Election campaign and is very much out of central casting as far as Trump females are concerned. They both look ghastly, and could easily be part of a US version of Geordie Shore

Finally, here is Mr Tangerine Man himself in horrifying closeup.

 

No, sorry. No one has a face that colour. No one at all.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Honsa from West London, who has highlighted another Gwyneth Paltrow Goop horror coming onto the market. Following the appalling This Smells Like My Vagina candle, we now have….. the This Smells Like My Orgasm Candle. Yes, really.

According to the website blurb, there are whiffs of  ‘tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose absolutes for a scent that’s sexy, surprising, and wildly addictive.’  In WTF’s opinion, this smells like bullshit, and rip-off bullshit at that, as this nonsense retails for $75. It – and Gwyneth – have got to go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery.  And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND/OR DISTANCED IF YOU CAN, AND WASH YOUR HANDS  x

 
 
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WTF George Special

Hallo Readers,

Two weeks after George Floyd died, demonstrations continue across the US and across the world. His killing has turned on a universal switch. People of colour are not prepared to see what happened to Floyd, and to many others before him, keep happening. They are tired of hearing about ‘bad apples’ and ‘things must change’. They are tired of seeing black men and women choked to death when arrested for not dimming their car lights, or for allegedly passing a dodgy $20 bill, or seeing them shot to death in their own apartments. They are tired of police officers getting away with murder. They are tired of being tired. And they are tired of us, the liberal white people, sympathising and asserting how we, the liberal white people, are not racist and how we feel their pain. Because talk is cheap, and they want more than words – they want change. And the liberal white people get it and they are also tired. 

What came out of Floyd’s death was the glimmer of understanding for us liberal white people of what it is like to be black in America, and, in particular, what it is like to be a black male in America. And the word is frightening. Frightening to see a cop approaching you, even if you are doing nothing wrong. Frightening to walk through a nice neighbourhood, even if you live in it. Frightening to drive a nice car, even if you own it.  Because there is a good chance that you will be stopped, and a chance that you may be shot or you may be arrested and choked to death, whether you are resisting arrest or not. And you know that the chances are that unless someone is filming the incident, or even if they are, your family will not get justice. The police will cover it up. The DA will be reluctant to prosecute because he or she knows that the might of the Police Union will sweep him or her out of elected office. The jury will be reluctant to prosecute because it wants to believe that the police really are there to support and serve. And so you become one more statistic on CNN and MSNBC, while Fox presenters and Twitter suggest that you are scum and that you had it coming.

But perhaps not this time.  Perhaps the sight of Floyd fighting for his last breath and calling for his mother, played and replayed on your TV and iPhone, has genuinely triggered a movement for change. And not just in the US.  And while you can argue that a pandemic is not the right time to cram together with or without masks, and whilst it is true that some people were just there to make trouble, the fact is that most people have been moved and angered and disgusted by Floyd’s plight. Perhaps Covid 19 has made us all realise how a chance encounter can take your life. But whatever it is, please God it prompts us all down a different and better path – and Donald Trump out of office.

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We need a laugh, and here it comes. This week, our fashion retrospective is rude rapper Nicki Minaj,  the gift that keeps on giving. Feast your eyes on these sartorial shockers. WARNING – You are advised to have the number of a healthcare professional on speed dial.

We begin in April 2012 where Nicki roamed around London wearing this. Whatever this was.

Do not adjust your eyeballs. This really was an actual  thing, as if Big Bird with tits and too short a skirt had got its head stuck inside a kaleidoscope.

June 2013 saw Nicki wearing this on her Pink Friday : Roman Reloaded (no, me neither) tour.

A better title might have been Barbie Goes Bonkerz. Apparently, Nicki is obsessed  by Barbie, calling her fans ‘Barbz’.  And what are those boots? She seemed to have been cemented into a brick wall in a flamingo enclosure.

May 2014 saw Nicki at a Memorial Day Event at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas, wearing a most remarkable ensemble.

Who knew renown Dutch graphic artist M C Escher designed rapper outfits? WTF certainly didn’t. It is unsurprising that Nicki chose to keep her large sunglasses on, in case she caught a glimpse of herself. One hopes there was a minion nearby with a jumbo pack of Tylenol.

In October 2015, Nicki was at a TIDAL event wearing a giant cobweb and tit tape.

One can only surmise that after reading Charlotte’s Web, Nicki decided to make an X-rated version and pitched up at TIDAL to seek out some backers.  There is another explanation of course, namely that she was barking mad. WTF is voting for option 2.

In October 2016, Nicki attended an American football game dressed like this.

Most people attend sporting events in jeans, tee-shirt, sweater and maybe a team scarf. Not Nicki….I mean, dressing as a dominatrix madea whole load of sense, right? Right? No, it didnt. It was insane.

March 2017 saw Nicki in Paris Fashion Week wearing a Mugler jacket and shorts by Givenchy. Careful now…..

The shorts were scrummy. The jacket was scummy, even if it had not also featured her tit bared to the world with a nipple pasty like an ultra-shiny band-aid. Mind you, Mugler may not have designed the jacket with tittage in mind.  She was also wearing ski-goggles, the purpose of which was not immediately apparent. Still, Sir Peter Lely would have approved. He was doing the one-tit look in 1618.

In August 2017, Nicky attended the VMAs wearing a latex onesie by Vex.

Like a shocking pink blow-up sex doll. Classy.

August 2018 saw Nicki at the VMAs, wearing Off White.

There is apparently a craze for turning up to fancy dress parties dressed as a condom. Yes really. Nicky was dressed as a swimsuit in a condom, complete with My Little Pony Hair.

 

September 2018 and Nicki was at Milan Fashion Week, wearing Fendi. 

You can tell it was Fendi because it had Fendi printed all over it like a stick of seaside rock. As for the sweater, it sported that vile trend of under boob, although had she raised her arms even a teeny, tiny, bit, it would have been a case of boob boob.

This next one is very very bad.  It is from 2019 with her then boyfriend, now husband, Kenneth Petty.

Oh Lord. I just can’t…Next!

Finally, we find ourselves in October 2019 at Milan Fashion Week, again wearing Fendi.

The good news is that she was wearing more than she usually does. The bad news is that she encased herself in some security grilles and had a kilo of carrots on her head.

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We have Nicki Barbie, and now this week’s It’s Got To Go is Propaganda Barbie, aka White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

 Having promised not to lie, not even at all, the devoutly Christian Propaganda Barbie immediately slipped into lying mode and has stayed in that lane without deviation or hesitation. Fresh from her triumph last week, when she compared Trump’s bible-waving stunt outside St John’s Church in Washington to Churchill visiting bombed-out Londoners during the Blitz, this week she defended her boss’ claim that a 75-year-old cancer victim, who was knocked to the ground by police in Buffalo, NY, had set the whole thing up and given himself a subdural hematoma,  and the next day  described Trump as someone with ‘the African-American community very near and dear to his heart’. Like he has a heart. And even if he did, which he doesn’t, the only things near and dear to it are Ivanka and a Big Mac with fries. She’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery.  And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS IF YOU CAN AND WASH YOUR HANDS  x

 
 

 

 

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WTF Churchill Special

Hallo Readers,

For nearly ten days the US has erupted in anger and disgust at the murder of George Floyd by four white cops, one of whom knelt on his neck for nearly nine minutes, ignoring his cries of ‘I can’t breathe’ and ‘Mama’. For the last three of those long, horrifying minutes, he was almost certainly dead. All this was captured on an onlooker’s cellphone and has rarely been off the air since, a snuff movie in real time played out on the streets of Minneapolis.  It was not just that this was only one more in a long line of black people murdered by white cops; it was the failure to arrest any of the perpetrators, even after the Police Chief had fired them, and when anyone with one working retina could see that this was a serious crime committed by one with the complicity of the other three. It was also the failure of the President, who has called for crooks to be let out, and political enemies to be jailed, to say anything about this particular incident, other than to observe that he had seen the footage and that he did not like what he had seen. So last week, black and white, young and old, took to the streets in protest. Some took advantage to loot and attack policemen. Most just expressed their fury and their desire to change, and did so peacefully.

Over the weekend, the President cowered in the White House. You can tell that things are bad when he does not spend the weekend golfing. As the crowds gathered outside, he and his family were taken down to the bunker, like they do on the telly when a madman is running amok in the West Wing, Except that in this case, the madman lives in the White House and “works”, using the word in its loosest sense, in the West Wing. By Monday, stung by the criticism of his hiding away, even though he had been, he turned into the lovechild of General Patton and Kim Jong Un. Now it was all about ‘domination’, and ‘strength’  and ‘battlespaces’, and calling in the military. Military police were then deployed to clear peaceful demonstrators out of the public spaces in front of The People’s House, using pepper spray gas and rubber bullets and shields, while he made a speech in the Rose Garden about being the ‘President of Law And Order’. The only connection Trump has with Law And Order is that half the people in his address book have faced criminal charges and he himself is an un-indicted co-conspirator referred to in court as ‘Individual 1′. Following his speech, with the air in the Rose Garden heavy with chemical gas, he walked two blocks to a church that had been partially burnt out by some rioters the previous night.  Whereupon, he held up a bible (upside down) to the photographers,  and er, went home again. Not so much General Patton as knitting pattern – for a baby’s romper. This ridiculous stunt backfired bigly, with bishops, generals, journalists and politicians expressing their disgust and the rest of us laughing our heads off. We laughed even more when Propaganda Barbie, his new, ever-so-blonde, ever-so-girly, ever-so-Christian Press Secretary, compared his visit to a Church he did not enter, where he met no-one and uttered no prayer, as akin to Winston Churchill visiting bombed-out homes in the Blitz. Not really, love. In 1940, the Brits were under attack from the Germans, not their own army and their own Prime Minister.

Trump has yet to condemn police brutality against blacks. He has yet to recognise the fear every black man, no matter how well educated or successful, experiences whenever a police officer approaches him. He has yet to acknowledge the social and economic legacy of four hundred years. He talks of  electoral postal fraud, but not of the thousands of black people deliberately disenfranchised in Republican states. But then this is a man who literally cannot tell one end of the Bible from the other. His only interest is in retaining plower, however he can hang onto it, and no matter whom he deceives, hurts or exploits in the process. Otherwise, it will be him facing a jury……

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Here’s the thing about the subject of this week’s selection for the fashion retrospective, superstar Madonna. There are always bits of her on show. Indeed, many of us are more familiar with her bits than our own. She is like a gynaecological textbook for the uninitiated. And added to that, she is also very annoying, always spouting high-minded but fatuous nonsense as a justification for flashing her all.  Only she could have made a video about the dangers of Covid19 from her bathtub. Still, Material Girl remains WTF’s go-to karaoke number, and you have to admit that over the years she has knocked out some good tunes and is as fit as a fiddle.

We start in November 2012 with what is a stage costume, but even so. Behold one of the quintessential Minge Moments, as Madge hit the stage. Careful now. This is BAD.

Ouch! Your eyes start to water even looking at the photo. That is the Full Monty of waxing. WTF once had a Brazilian wax in Hong Kong. She was still jet-lagged, having flown in that morning from the UK (Those were the days, Planes, Remember them? Those silver things in the sky). Luckily she was so zonked out that she slept though most of it, but during the times when she was awake, it bloody hurt).

March 2013 saw Madge at GLAAD, the organisation championing  LGBT rights. She was protesting gay boys being banned from the Scouts.

Why the fingerless gloves and the black tights? Lord Baden- Powell must have been turning in his grave. 

In May 2013, Madge attended the Met Gala in New York, wearing Givenchy. The theme that year was ‘punk’.

If Cleopatra went to a fancy dress party as a dominatrix in pink fuck-me shoes, this is what she would look like.

In August 2014, Madge went to stay in a friend’s yacht in Cannes, as you do. But despite the sunny weather, or perhaps because of it, she was swaddled from head to toe in truly terrible clothes.

There was much to dislike here, including the Adidas jacket and the floral petticoat, but WTF’s principal disapprobation was reserved for the Chanel fingerless gloves and the hideous hat. Was Madge auditioning for the role of Maude in a remake of The Golden Girls? She would certainly not have looked out of place in the queue to secure a good table for the earlybird dinner special.

February 2015 saw Madge at the Grammys, wearing Givenchy.

Madge was dressed as a Spanish fluffer complete with beaver bow, to be sent in to titillate the bull in an unusual variation before the Toreador gets busy with the cape. What was not titillating was the rear view. And when WTF says rear, she means rear.

WTF is coming to the view that Madge is an enthusiastic masochist. Why else would she wear this ultra-snug arse-harness? Her bum cheeks look like they are going through a cheese slicer.

Here is Madge in April 2015 wearing Alexander Wang,

Spiderwoman goes couture. And she has those fingerless gloves on again. Madonna, pet – people get older. your hands get older. Just slather on the Clarins Jeunesse de Mains.


In May 2016, Madge hit the Red Carpet at the Met Gala, with more or less everything out on show. 

In a post on Instagram at the time, Madge explained that her outfit was a “political statement,” fighting ageism and the idea that women stop being sexy at a certain age. There is a technical term for this. It called is ‘bollocks’. Her arse was out as well, but when was it ever in? The whole thing seems to have been inspired by the cartoon drawings of an Ahsoka slavegirl.

A year later, in May 2017, Madge was back on the Met Gala Red Carpet, this time wearing Moschino.

Dear Lord. Donald Trump would probably like this, given its overtly military overtones. Demi Moore as GI Jane would have worn it to dine in the Officers’ Mess, once she’d stopped wiping out troops off Iraqis single-handed.

Although Demi would probably not have bothered with the long leather gloves and mouth grill. WTF has but two questions. What the actual fuck? And why?


In August 2018 Madonna went to the VMAs in New York, inexplicably dressed as a Bedouin tribeswoman, complete with lethal pointed headgear. 

This is not a nod to Bedouin culture, this is an appropriation of Bedouin culture, but as we know Madge doesn’t do things by halves, although frankly a half of an half of a half would usually be more than enough.  

Finally, in May 2019, Madonna was launching her new Madame X tour and, for reasons that WTF confesses she cannot fully fathom, she was sporting an eyepatch and a coat of many colours by Versace.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Long John Silver was alive and well and had regrown a leg.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Leslie from Lisson Grove, who is on a roll. This time, it is more a case of It Will Have To Go, as Leslie is living in fear of thr war stories people will tell about their lockdown experiences. He says

‘People will be only too ready to socialise again; cocktail parties, dinners,  etc. But there walks amongst us a great threat. These people move around showing absolutely no symptoms, which go completely undetected. Until….. quite innocently and with your guard down, you ask……… what did you do during the lockdown?……. Too late…….the trap has been sprung…..the conversation goes thus…..
“Oh, I learned to speak Swahili, listen, I can recite the Lords Prayer”………
“Oh, I’ve taken up the bassoon, I have my music with me, let me play you a Kurkistan dirge”…..
“Bunty and I have learned to sing all the duets from the Savoy Operas, do you have a piano?”….
The lockdown bores are waiting and their moment will not be denied them. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep on sending in your comments, as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion celebrity retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.  STAY INDOORS IF YOU CAN AND WASH YOUR HANDS. x

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WTF Wiz Special

Hallo Readers, The Mighty Wizard of Oz, surrounded by fire and smoke, promised Dorothy that if she brought him the Wicked Witch of the West’s broomstick, he would help her return to Kansas, help the Scarecrow to get a brain, help the Tin Man to get a heart, and help the Cowardly Lion to find some courage. But when Dorothy handed over the broomstick, the Wizard seemed reluctant to keep his side of the bargain until Toto, Dorothy’s dog, pulled back the curtain to expose a feeble old man with a sound system.  And that, Readers, is our Prime Minister. Tug at the curtain with your little doggy teeth, take away the bluster and the bombast and the joie de vivre, and what have you got? A feeble, fifty-five-year-old with a microphone, telling you that yes, it was imperative for you to stay indoors, even if your elderly mother was on her own, even if your father was in a home with dementia, even though your child was in a hospital bed all alone, even if you had to say goodbye to your dying spouse using the doctor’s iPhone, even if you have not seen your grandchildren for weeks on end,  even if your business was going down the drain. But his Spccial Adviser Dominic Cummings was entitled to get in his car with his wife, who was positive for Covid-19, and his little son, and drive 260 miles up to Northumberland in case they both got too ill to look after the lad, in which case his sister could do it. Or something. And he was entitled to go for a sixty-mile round trip on a beautiful day with his wife and son because he needed to ensure that his eyesight was good enough for him to drive back to London the next day. To a beauty spot. On his wife’s birthday. Apparently his wife does not drive. So had, 30 miles out, Cummings discovered that his eyesight was too dodgy to go another foot, who was going to get the family back to Durham? Was the little boy going to do it, talked through the motions like the air stewardess in Airplane? Cummings was apparently following ‘his instincts as a father’ – something Boris Johnson would know very little about. Hell, he probably does not even know how many children he is father of. The Brits can forgive a screw-up. They can accept an apology. But they really, really, hate someone taking the piss. And Cummings was not just taking the piss, he had removed our kidneys and was squirting the contents all over us, the rule of law, and the sacrifices decent people made to ensure that this bloody nightmare abates as soon as possible. And they do not want to told that Cummings’ instincts as a father permit him to do what many other people have not done, or that their not having done it makes them bad parents, or bad children, or bad siblings, or bad partners. Or to be told it with sputtering disdain. Or to hear it parroted out by the dim, craven, nonentities who make up the Cabinet. They want their Prime Minister to stand up for the people who kept to the rules, not for the person who broke them. And when the Guardian, the Daily Mail, the Church of England, Sir Roger Gale MP and Alastair Campbell all think that you are in the wrong,  you probably are. Toto has pulled back the curtain, And we can all see what lurks behind it.

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Readers, WTF got so excited when researching this Footballer Fashion Special last week that she pressed ‘publish ‘instead of ‘save draft’. Apologies to those who received a wordless blog last week only hours after the WTF Scarlet Pimpernel Special pinged into your inbox or flashed up on Twitter  Don’t worry – there have been some changes to make it even better, (or should that be even worse?) plus the comparison pics and the commentary. Never was the phrase dick pic so appropriate. So read on. If anything defines the phrases ‘more money than sense’, and  ‘fashion victim’,  it is a footballer paid £££££££££££££££ a week. The football suggestion came from WTF aficionado and stalwart Leslie of Lisson Grove. Leslie harkened nostalgically to the days of Watford, Liverpool and England footballer  John Barnes, a very classy player and a very ridiculous dresser. Here is John (far right) and some Liverpool colleagues from the 1996 FA Cup Finalist team wearing ludicrous Emporio Armani suits.  (They lost to Manchester Utd 0-1). Although this was well outside the period which is usually covered by these fashion retrospectives (2012 onwards), this one features John in deference to Leslie. Liverpool’s players looked like the Man From Del Monte ads. Only he said yes. WTF says no. Here we are in October 2012 with then-Liverpool footballer Djibril Cissé, wearing Givenchy. Who knew Mohicans could be Beefeaters? And why is that loo-chain pull hanging around his neck ? Now we are in September 2013 with Gareth Bale, formerly of Tottingham Hotspurs, now Real Madrid and Wales, wearing Louis Vuitton. WTF is unable to tell whether that was a LV-logoed teeshirt under the cardie or a cardie with a peplum. Whichever it was, it was shocking,  like designer long johns but without the lunchbox.   In September 2014, we featured Mario Balotelli, formerly of Inter Milan and Manchester City, out on the town in Manchester wearing who knows what? WTF does not even know what this was supposed to be. There is distressed, and there is frenzied. In April 2015, we saw  Charles N’Zogbia formerly of Newcastle, Wigan Athletic and Aston Villa, wearing this flowery concoction. He had been dobbed in by a fed-up teammate, who put the pic on Twitter. WTF cannot better the observation of a tweet at the time, which observed that Charles looked as though he had been shat out by Cath Kidston. Speaking of whom…. April 2015 also saw Alex Song,  formerly of Arsenal and Barcelona, wearing this.  Alex was clearly channeling Pharrell Williams, but he was more of a prat in a hat, like a Mountie wearing his toddler’s denim jacket. In October 2016, we found Manchester City, then Stoke, player Wilfried Bony, wearing something preposterous. WTF does not mind the yellow leather jacket, but she is in the greatest indignation at the Masonic Apron and the shoes like something out of The Magic Flute.  This one hurts. A lot. Here is Arsenal legend Tony Adams in April 2017 in a truly terrible suit. WTF has retinal fatigue. Bigly. Tony resembled Harry the Horse from Guys and Dolls. Another Arsenal player, Spanish full back Hector Bellerin seen in January 2019 at London Fashion Week, wearing Prada. Another prat in a hat, only this hat was last seen on Inspector Clouseau. The eyebrows were pure Groucho Marx and the trousers were borrowed from Charlie Chaplin. We are how in Paris in February 2019 where we encounter Brazilian captain and Paris St Germain player Dani Alves, celebrating teammate Neymar’s birthday. Good grief. He looked like a town crier with tattoos and a can of Red Bull. And here is the aforesaid Neymar Jnr  as he launched a joint fragrance with Diesel in May 2019.\ If Neymar went to a fancy dress party as singer Billie Eilish, this is what he would look like. You could get the whole PSG team into those shorts and have room for the training staff. We cannot go on without David Beckham. Here he is in December 2019 wearing Dior. Look, Becks used to be handsome. Now he is seedier than a newly-reopened garden centre. And his mega-expensive suit looks like an oil slick. And we have saved the best till last. February 2020 saw Everton player Tom Davies wearing Michael Kors at New York Fashion Week. He is wearing a dressing gown like Noēl Coward, only Sir Noēl would have sneered at the yellow glasses, arranged his cravat properly, and eschewed the pointy purple pumps. Itsgottogo-x1200px
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Bindy from Wiltshire who is rightly appalled by the new-format, Covid-relevant episodes of the long-running radio soap The Archers, which now has only badly-written monologues or one-sided-phone-calls. It is more wooden than Oliver Stirling’s apple orchard.
As Bindy rightly remarks, if she wanted monologues  she would go to Alan Bennett’s Talking Heads. It’s Got To Go.
Itsgottogo-x1200pxbottom OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep on sending in your comments, as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion celebrity retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND WASH YOUR HANDS. x
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PREMATURE PUBLICATION NON-SPECIAL

SORRY GUYS

You got some of the pics for next week without the c commentary or the lookalike pics. Many apologies, IUt will be with you next week xx

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WTF Scarlet Pimpernel Special

This week’s WTF is for WTF aficionados and dear pals Rebecca, Bindy, Rona, and Claire, all of whom had their birthdays this week. 

Our shitshow Government is as useful as a sundeck on a submarine. As Barack Obama observed of Trump’s admin, ‘More than anything this pandemic has fully, finally torn back the curtain on the idea that so many of the folks in charge know what they’re doing. A lot of them aren’t even pretending to be in charge,’ In the case of Boris Johnson, he is not even seen to be pretending to be in charge. Other than his ‘Stay Alert’ broadcast, the logic and clarity of which defeated teams of top rocket scientists, and a weekly trip to the House of Commons for Prime Minister’s Questions, when Keir Starmer rips him apart with surgical efficiency, sightings are rarer than rocking horse shit. He is more elusive than the Scarlet Pimpernel.

‘They seek him here, they seek him there, Those Frenchies seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That demned elusive Pimpernel’

But not nearly as elusive as any consistent Government policy or direction about anything whatsoever. If there is a Government policy, which there isn’t, it is this:

  1. Make an announcement.
  2. Wait for a flurry of protest and derision.
  3. Reverse the announcement.
  4. Blame Health Secretary Matt Hancock.
  5. Repeat. 

If you are Health Secretary Matt Hancock, Step 4 is sadly unavailable to you, in which case your only option is to hurl insults at Starmer and get told off by the Speaker. Or to get your pals in the media to attack teachers for refusing to return to work in schools, although it is manifestly not safe for either them or the children to do so.

This week’s fiasco started at PMQs on Wednesday. The Scarlet Pimpernel announced that the Immigration Health Surcharge of £400  (which will rise to £624 in October) would still be payable by non-British NHS staff as part of their visa requirements, even though they are risking their own lives with insufficient PPE to save other people’s lives during the pandemic. Indeed, among those hauled back from death’s door was The Scarlet Pimpernel himself. Johnson acknowledged that the two ICU nurses who had saved his life were from New Zealand and the Philippines respectively, and that he had ‘thought long and hard about it’, but the surcharge would nevertheless remain in place, given that it had raised £900m in four years. (By the way the suggestion that Johnson has ever ‘thought long and hard’ about anything other than his next shag is risible). The next afternoon, Matt Hancock told the daily Press Briefing that he and the Home Secretary, the dreadful Priti Patel, had been instructed to change the policy, and now all NHS staff, including health workers, porters, and cleaners, as well as independent health workers and social care workers, would be exempt. So why did we have all this hokey-cokey nonsense? Because between noon on Wednesday and five pm on Thursday, buckets of ordure had been thrown at the decision-makers, including by Tories who dubbed it ‘mean-spirited and immoral’. Which it was. Which this Government is. For shame.

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This week’s celebrity fashion retrospective was nominated  by WTF aficionado and stalwart Rebecca from Cornwall – it is singer Katy Perry. We start our review of her fashion flotsam in October 2012, only months after WTF began this blog, with our heroine wearing something really unpleasant in a shade of snot olive and the sort of stout footwear worn by East German factory workers in the 1960s.

If an olive tree went to a pool party, this is what it would look like.

Here we are in December 2013 in Las Vegas, with Katy wearing a Unif Nu Frenz “dress’ and a Chanel mini-backpack.

The apposite questions here are ‘you what?’ and ‘why?’. Like a Victorian child on a bad acid trip.

We are now in New York in August 2014, with Katy wearing a nice leather jacket by Swedish brand Acne (sic), a see-through green dress, matching green hair and a stupid hat.

Here is a WTF rule. Hair should not be green, unless you are a mermaid or you have gone mouldy.  The whole look was inspired by Disney cartoon character Disgust. Two more words of advice for Katy – Factor 30. Her chest was positively radioactive.

April 2015 saw Katy at Coachella, the balls-aching annual celeb-fest in the Californian desert. Fortunately, Governor Newsom banned it this year because of Covid-19, but he needs to think of another reason in 2021. Perhaps his decision was based on sight of this picture of Katy wearing Moschino.

Katy, Jeremy Scott, and Moschino are a bad combination, but this had left bad behind weeks ago and had ended up at putrid. She looked like a medieval Harlequin in a gold leather bra.

October 2016 saw Katy at a Spotify The Creators event in Los Angeles, wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

 

The girly ‘Guten-Abend-Fraūlein’ plaits and giant crucifix were oddly  discordant with the gold courtesan bustier and unflattering trewsies, while Katy’s head looked awfully flat, like Lurch in The Addams Family.

We are now at the Met Ball in May 2017  in New York, with Katy wearing Maison Margiela.

So here we had a Minge donut and a headdress WITH WING MIRRORS and, even by Met Gala standards, the whole thing was utterly ridiculous. Katy resembled nothing so much as the Zombie Bride.

And then Katy doubled down on an evening of sartorial shockingness by attending the after-party wearing Ulyana Sergeenko.

Wozzis? She was maintaining the zombie theme and looked like a lady of the night walking the streets of Hell. (Do they have streets in hell? If they do, they are probably like the one WTF lives in during these Covid-19 times, with screaming neighbours and fuckers various yelling into their cellphones on loudspeaker, and playing Bryan Adams’ greatest hits far too loudly (ie, anything above mute)). The minge-emphasising belt is foul. It is all foul. Foul.

Here we are in October 2018 at a QVC Shopping Channel event (No, WTF does not know why), with Katy wearing Gallia Lalav. 

Barbie goes street-walking. Plastic was not fantastic. Not even at all.

February 2019 saw Katy at the Grammys wearing Balmain Haute Couture.

Great hair and makeup, but Balmain decided to put Katy into a silver-topped , fluffy, loo-roll holder.

And finally we are back in New York at the 2019 Met Gala, wearing Moschino. The theme, by the way, was ‘camp’.

Camp was one thing. Turning up dressed as the world’s largest chandelier (it’s in Gwalior in India, by the way, and very magnificent it is too), was quite another.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington, who is madder than a wet hen about supermarket etiquette in these Covid-19 times. It is all very well standing outside in a socially-distanced-two-meters-apart-queue, and then getting inside and trotting around the one-way system, only to stand at the wine shelf or the household items shelf choosing your wares with some wanker sidling up two centimetres from you and reaching across to grab their bottle of Rioja or carton of Ariel tabs. And they’re usually not wearing a mask…. Are people really in such a hurry in the middle of a pandemic lockdown that they cannot wait twenty seconds for you to move off?  Bastards.  It’s Got To Go. 

 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep on sending in your comments, as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion celebrity retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND WASH YOUR HANDS. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WTF Lies and Incompetence Special

Hallo Readers, 

As Abraham Lincoln wisely observed, you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. Particularly in a pandemic when some of the people are concerned about the fact that other people are dropping like flies, and they might follow suit. You can tell them that a test is available to anyone who wants one, but when they cannot get one, and when they hear other people saying that they cannot get one either, some of the people will ask questions. You can tell the people that the death rate will not rise above a certain figure, but when that figures is passed and the number keeps on rising, some of the people will ask questions. You can tell the people that, like Baldrick, you have a cunning plan, but when the plan does not materialise, some of the people will ask questions. At which point, it will be incumbent upon you to have an answer to their questions. And an explanation as to why your previous answers turned out to be downright false. And it is not an answer to some of the people’s questions that you ‘have been working very hard’. Particularly if you have not obviously not been working very hard, or started working very hard much too late.  And even if you ‘have been working very hard’,  which you haven’t, that is still not an excuse if the results of your alleged hard work are that people are dying in droves, and those who are still alive have not got access to tests, and doctors and carers are donning plastic bin bags and bandannas because they have not got the right equipment. And are also dying in droves.

And another thing, When you are found out, and your lies and incompetence are exposed, the proper response is not to blame the people who are exposing your lies and incompetence and to call them out for being ‘unsupportive’, or ‘nasty’ or ‘disgruntled’, and then to set about smearing their reputations, attacking their integrity, and calling them liars and incompetent. Particularly when they aren’t.  And to complain that some of the people are not grateful for everything you are doing, when what you have done is not good enough. And then to blame the experts whose advice you ignored to pursue your own political agenda. Because you know what, Boris Johnson and Donald Trump? Yes, your media toadies will pump out propaganda that would embarrass Squealer the Pig. And yes, you have supporters who believe whatever you say, or, even if they don’t, will not let your lies and incompetence bother them. But, as the body count rises, there will be more and more people who are not fooled, or who will realise that they have been fooled and will now see the light. And then what? 

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This week’s fashion retrospective, with apologies to WTF aficionado Joyce from Hong Kong, has been chosen by WTF herself,  who has gone for Kim Kardashian. We start our review of Kim’s fecal fashion matter in May 2013 with her appearance at the Met Gala in New York, wearing Givenchy.

Admittedly, Kim was heavily pregnant, but that was no excuse to go out and about looking like a cheap sofa. And she seemed to have been without hands.

We now move to November 2013, where we find Kim at a Mario Testino exhibition in New York walking around in this nonsense.

She was wearing a bra, and the Tom Ford sandals were very nice. But the mesh polo neck bore an uncanny resemblance to the string vest worn by Rab C Nesbitt, and the clingy skirt looked like an old codger’s long johns.

Here we are in August 2014 at the Video Music Awards with Kim wearing Balmain.

 

For some reason, Kim was dressed as a saddle blanket with tits. 

November 2014 saw Kim launching something or other, wearing Atsuko Kudo. 

Why would anyone want to go out in public looking like a blow-up sex doll? WTF would not advise Kim to go wandering around a sex shop dressed like that or someone might try and take liberties with her orifices. And WTF cannot even start to imagine how long it takes to takes to get that dress on and off. Kim must have a stash of talcum powder larger than Mount Everest.

Now we are at Paris Fashion Week in October 2016, where Kim was on the front row of every major show until she and her jewellery parted company after her apartment was stormed by rough types. This picture was from before that, wearing Balmain.

Remember WTF’s golden rule.  If you have to walk around with your hand over your minge, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it. Even more bizarrely, Kim covered her breasts in a nude bra whilst according her minge only manual cover. This is what happens when you pay a fortune to wear an old fishing net.

July 2017 saw Kim wearing vintage Helmut Lang and Yeezy shoes, the brand owned by husband Kanye.

You know those plastic bags covering your dry-cleaning? Kim was wearing one of those together with white panties and bare boobs. Why did she bother with the bag at all? Just wear the coat and panties. Save the planet.

In February 2018, Kim attended BeautyCon (with the emphasis on con) in Hollywood, wearing vintage D&G.

This was supposed to be a blazer, but WTF suspects that it would not have fastened around Kim’s surgically enhanced tits and buttocks. So she chose to wear it as a straitjacket, paired with cycle shorts. If Lance Armstrong went to a fancy dress party as Kim Kardashian, this is what he would look like.

February 2019 saw Kim was seen wearing vintage Mugler.

Ouch! That dress was designed for a stick-woman without protuberances.  Not for someone with protuberances the size of a couple of footballs. The indentations must have lingered for days……

In May 2019, Kim was back at the Met Gala in New York, this time wearing Mugler.

If it  were not for the hair, it would be quite impossible to tell which bits were Kim and which bits were Mugler, but the overall impression was of a Werther’s Original caramel with spangles.

And finally, we are in March 2020 where Kim, in Paris for Fashion Week, went to Church with Kanye, wearing Balmain.

As Jesus almost remarked ‘Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel toe to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.’ Call for the Canesten! And it had gloves instead of, or attached to, the sleeves.  Meanwhile, who wears fuck-me sandals on a Sunday morning in March??? If a stick of toffee had a minge, it would look like this.

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionados, Yvonne from Jedburgh, and her daughter Daisy from Camden Town, who have, with full justification, taken against actress Amanda Holden.

Not only did Amanda inflict a book upon us, wearing a tight yellow dress and a double helping of nipples to the launch, but she has now dampened people’s spirits during the pandemic by releasing a cover version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, with proceeds going to NHS Charities. Judy Garland, she ain’t. If she appeared on Britain’s Got Talent, she’d be buzzed off before she got to the bit about bluebirds flying.  Jog on, love…. It’s Got To Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please sending in your comments, as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion celebrity retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND WASH YOUR HANDS. x

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WTF Stray At Home Special

Hallo Readers, 

On Thursday, the UK death toll had risen to over 30,000, but that did not stop the British press from titillating cabin-feverish citizens that the end of the strict lockdown was in sight. They urged Boris Johnson to permit people to go and about, partaking of picnics, and sunbathing on the sands where they could bare their pasty white bits and pieces coram publico, not to mention contracting serious sunburn while getting pissed in the pub garden. But whether they had received a bum steer from their unnamed sources in Whitehall and Westminster, or, more likely, that this shit-show of a Government changed its mind (again), it now appears that caution will not be thrown to the winds just yet, and although we may be allowed to visit a few family members outside our immediate households, er. that will be it. Citizens can at least take comfort from the fact that Johnson was due to address the Nation on Sunday afternoon, at the end of what is likely to be an uncharacteristically warm and sunny Bank Holiday weekend, and by Monday the weather will again be cool and damp, making the prospect of eating sausage rolls and Russian salad al fresco rather less appealing.

The right wing papers are positively rabid in their determination to get us off the sofa and out and back to work, presumably on the basis that people are furloughed and that smacks of socialism. The working class should be working, not watching Homes Under the Hammer. According to the DailyMail, we are all suffering from ‘coronaphobia’, whereas people would just  prefer not to have to go to work on crowded trains and buses, there to contract a potentially deadly virus. First we were told to stay at home because it is dangerous to go out, and now we are being excoriated for staying at home because we think it is dangerous to go out. It is time to find a scapegoat, and as it cannot be the sainted Boris, who cheated death to lead us out of this chaos, it has to be the people who are not at work because they were told not to go, and the scientists who advised us that there needed to be a lockdown in the first place.

Which brings us to Professor Neil Ferguson, whose pandemic projections prompted the stay-at-home policy. It appears that the Professor, or the ‘Bonking Boffin’ as The Sun has christened him, had allowed his lover twice to come round to his house for a bit of the other. Better still, she was a married woman!! And in an open marriage!! And living with her husband in a house worth £1.9 million!! (not when the recession hits, it won’t be). What better to distract us from the rising death rate, and the useless Government and its flip-flop policies than a brainy bloke having a shag with a married woman who lives in a posh house? As a result whereof, all this week we have heard from the Professor (who has now quit his job advising HMG), and from friends of the lover, and from the Professor’s estranged wife, and from his mother-in-law, 79-year-old Elsie Pirie, who stuck up for him, and probably the milkman and the bloke who runs the corner shop at the end of his road,  but WTF had long stopped reading about it by then because she couldn’t give a stuff about Professor Ferguson and his sex life, and she knows the ultimate dead cat bounce when she sees it. Let us have less about the Professor and pub gardens, and more about the 30,000 victims and why they died, and how the rest of us are to stay alive. Because that, Readers, is more important.

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This week’s fashion retrospective has been requested by WTF aficionado Honsa from West London, who wants to be reminded of the serious fashion faux pas committed by actress Salma Hayek. What makes matters so much worse is that Salma is married to French billionaire François-Pierre Pinault, who in effect owns Gucci, Yves St Laurent, Alexander McQueen, Balenciaga, Christopher Kane, Stella McCartney, and Bottega Veneta. You would think that Salma would be the first in line for the pick of their designs, and yet she usually looks dreadful. Perhaps part of the problem is that most of these lines design for stick insects, rather than for Salma’s magnificent embonpoint. But as WTF has remarked on a precious occasion, she always seems to end up with the runt of the litter.

We start in March 2015 with Salma attending the Alexander McQueen exhibition Savage Beauty at London’s Victoria & Albert Museum, wearing McQueen.

The dress was certainly striking, but Salma looked very unhappy in it, probably by reason of the fact that many swans seemed to have died in vain and that two peacocks were using her chest to carry out their mating ritual. And you know what rutting peacocks sound like. Meanwhile, Salma’s stance made her look as if she was desperate for the loo.

Here we are in October 2015, with Salma wearing Bottega Veneta.

No really, what WAS this? It resembled an old army camouflage tent pitched somewhere in the Falklands and it was downright dog-ugly. (Sorry, doggies). 

Now we find ourselves in November 2016, where Salma attended the London premiere I Am Bolt, wearing Gucci.

Had Usain caught sight of Salma, he certainly would have bolted, and given how fast he can run, he would probably got as far as Wimbledon in his attempt to get away from this ridiculous and ill-fitting John Lennon look-a-likey ensemble.

Next, we are in May 2017 at the Cannes Film Festival  where Salma was wearing Gucci.

Every part of this outfit would have to be have improved 100% just to get to putrid, from the ‘Gosh, I’m stoned, I’ve got the spins’ kaleidoscopic flared-led jumpsuit, to the ridiculous brothel-creeper sneakers, to the horrible handbag, to the silly sunglasses. It is no surprise that Salma ended up as a nominee for the coveted title of the 2017 Summer Stinker.

November 2017 found Salma at The Los Angeles County Museum of Art aka  LACMA, which was hosting its Seventh Annual Art+Film Gala. Obviously, she was wearing Gucci,

Her  hair and makeup were beautiful, but not only was this somewhat snug around the tit department, but the fabric looked like the spillage from a bottle of the sort of cheap iridescent nail varnish you find in pound shops. 

In March 2018, Salma attended the Oscars, wearing Gucci.

Last year, the Internet went crazy over the new phenomenon of the washing machine cover, the silliest thing since the Australians thought up a frilly cover to cover their clothes driers for garden parties and weddings. Clearly whoever dreamed this up had caught sight of Salma the previous year. As for Gucci, it was obviously influenced by Rousseau’s observation that ‘Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains’.

And finally, we find ourselves in January 2020 in London, where Salma was out and about in yet more Gucci. 

If Ozzy Osbourne went to a fancy dress party as Mr Toad, this is what he  would have looked like.

 

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado and stalwart Leslie from London who is fed up with pandemic car ads. Leslie says ‘Before the pandemic, advertisers would say…. for example…. “Buy an Audi” Now it’s a rather soft focus Scottish accent, the sort of voice a 1950s methodist minister would use for a funeral. And it goes….. “We know these are difficult and uncertain times, but we want you to know that we are here for you. Now buy an Audi”

 It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in and your nominations both for It’s Got To Go and for celebrities whose clothing choices meriting a fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND AND WASH YOUR HANDS x

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