WTF Brexit Update Special

Hallo Readers,

Here is your Brexit update as at 11 30 pm on Thursday 14 March 2019.

Parliament does not want to Brexit with Mrs Maybe’s deal. It has now said so twice. No one wants her crap deal, not even Mrs Maybe – it is about the only thing everyone agrees on. Parliament does not want to Brexit with no deal, but that vote was only advisory and without legal force. Parliament does not want to ask the EU to put everything on hold until 2021, or to delay Brexit until May 2019, or to ask for a delay whilst it works out what other sort of Brexit we can have, or waits for a miracle involving loaves, fishes and duty free wine. And Parliament does not want to hold a second referendum. Parliament does want to ask the EU for an extension to Article 50, and voted for a Government motion to this effect by 413 votes to 202. Pipsqueak Stephen Barclay, the Brexit Secretary, spoke in favour of the motion, urging ‘It is time for this House to act in the national interest, it’s time to put forward an extension that is realistic’. He was so unconvincing that he failed to convince himself, because he, and seven other Cabinet Ministers, then voted against the very motion he had just been supporting. A ninth Cabinet Minister, the Chief Whip, whose job it is to get MPs to support the Government, abstained. You would not send this lot out to buy you a packet of Polo Mints and a box of Kleenex. They would either come back with some Cheesy Wotsits and a roll of quilted toilet paper, or they would resign on the way home and bugger off with your change.

Meanwhile, Labour, which is supposed to now be in favour of a second referendum in circumstances that nobody actually understands, including them, ordered its MPs to abstain on the motion for a second referendum because ‘the time isn’t right’. They are probably waiting for a sign from Heaven, a star above Westminster, or perhaps a clap of thunder and some  lightning bolts. Several shadow ministers, whom WTF would not recognise were they sat in her kitchen eating carrot cake, resigned after voting against the motion, on the basis that the last manifesto had promised that Labour would respect the Will of the People. Several others voted for the motion.

So to sum up – we have no approved deal, we have no idea what deal we want, and even if we wanted it, the EU would not give it to us. We might want a second vote, but only in circumstances where there is no ‘r’ in the month and the moon in alignment with Jupiter. The right wing lunatics want no deal at all, even though everyone else agrees that this is a really shocking prospect. And there is no guarantee that we can have an extension to Article 50, particularly as we don’t know what we would do with an extension if we got one, and nobody has a fucking clue what is going on. Mrs Maybe’s big idea is to ask for a third vote on her crap deal. Einstein observed that the definition of insanity was to keep doing the same thing and expect the outcome to be different. On that basis, it is time to call for the Prime Ministerial straitjacket. She has not only lost her voice, she has lost her reason.

However, Readers, be of good cheer. Piers Morgan, the man who is so far up Trump’s arse that even his shoelaces have disappeared from view, has the solution! He tweeted it on Thursday night. ‘I’ve given this a lot of thought & come to the conclusion that only one person can now sort out this ridiculous Brexit mess: @realdonaldtrump. He’d take no sh*t from the EU, or Parliament, or anyone. And he definitely wouldn’t lose his voice. Mr President, my country needs YOU’. Mrs Maybe, it seems, is not the only one who needs a call from the men in white coats.

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Let us escape from the asylum for a brief moment and contemplate the fashion follies of the week, starting with the aforesaid Theresa May off to Church on Commonwealth Day, wearing a Daniel Blake coat and Liz Felix hat.

WTF aficionado Tom from London discovered this assault on our eyeballs. How bad does she look? What is that hat? Why does the coat have leg-of-mutton sleeves? Daniel Blake and Liz Felix are clearly both diehard Remainers. What about those gloves, and the matchy-matchy clutch, and the chunky jewellery? As WTF aficionado Jen sagely observed, our Prime Minister would do better spending less time accessorising, and more time sorting out Brexit. Meanwhile Tom also sent in the portrait of Lady Margaret Hawkins from the late 16th century to show where May got her inspiration. Are the two ladies related? They certainly have the same grim expression. Bravo Tom!

Next we have socialite and DJ, Paris Hilton, wearing Christian Cowan.

Paris is not sporting rabbit ears – that is part of the backdrop –  but the rest of the ensemble is so comical that it would not be surprising if she were. There is a cornucopia of crapulence to behold, including the Afghan hound bunches, the hideous, too-long, onesie, and the criminally horrible handbag. When your pooch is better dressed than you are, it is time for a radical rethink.

Also also wearing Christian Cowan, model and now TV presenter Heidi Klum

Heidi is dressed as Gonger from Sesame Street. Extra minus points for those painful-looking sandals.

To London and the Global Awards 2019, where we come across singer Mabel McVey, wearing Natasha Zinko.

Here is a WTF Rule. When you have to stand with your hand over your crotch to avoid a Fanny Flash, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it. Quite apart from that, the dress is ugly and it doesn’t fit.

Here is Orange is the New Black actress Natasha Lyonne, wearing Marc Jacobs.

Some of us lived through the Eighties, and have no desire to go back there, sartorially speaking. The shoulders are ridiculous and the whole thing is very Princess Di.

This is Khloe Kardashian wearing LaQuan Smith. Well, I say ‘wearing’….

Mingetastic. Indeed it is all there to be looked at, with more gynaecological detail on view than a week’s CCTV footage from a knocking shop. 

And finally, we meet French actress Angelique Boyer, wearing a reversible dress by George Figueroa. She started off the night wearing this side of it.

Then she turned it around. To this.

Thanks to aficionado Jonathan from Bloomsbury, who kindly brought this outfit to WTF’s attention. The front was moderately respectable. The back was not even a back. She looks like a sparkler with belly button and tits.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Rona from Hackney, who complains about the horror of the unisex toilet. Such is the excellence of her rant, that WTF repeats it in full.

‘So I’m dining out in a delightful restaurant and the moment has come to visit the powder room. Cue what should be a restful and fragrant interlude of indulgent femininity – the chance to literally powder one’s nose, reapply lipstick, perfume, adjust clothing, have a cry or a giggle or a gossip. But now it’s unisex and what woman wants to do all that in the company of some bloke she’s never met, or worse, has met? Not to mention the horrors of some, I repeat some, gentlemen’s toilet habits, which, shall we say, are less than fastidious. So what we have is a stripped back-to-the-essentials experience that needs to be got through asap. This is the very opposite of civilised and, sadly, it is yet another example of the slow erosion of those little rituals which can make everything seem so much more pleasurable.’

Indeed. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

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Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, David Cameron, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Princess Diana, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Death of Shame, Volume 99

Hallo Readers,

Those of you who are kind enough to read this blog regularly will know that WTF is obsessed with the death of shame in public life. This week brought two more stark examples to recoil from.

First, Fiona Onasanya MP recently was absent from her duties on behalf of the people of Peterborough. Not to have a baby. Not because she was ill. No. Onasanya was in prison, having been convicted of persuading her brother falsely to claim that he had been speeding in her car, thereby perverting the course of justice. Onasanya, who was a solicitor, now has the dubious distinction of being the first serving woman MP to go inside. She was released last week on parole, and is obliged to wear a tag on her ankle, which must play havoc with the House of Commons’ security scanners.

Because she was only sentenced to three months, (she served half of it), Onasanya does not have to give up her seat,  a condition applicable only to those sentenced to twelve months or more. As a result, a convicted criminal is free to vote on legislation and to pontificate on whatever point she chooses in the Chamber. Admittedly most politicians are liars, but they have not been banged up, they do not go bleep every time they walk in and out of Parliament, and they have not inhabited the equivalent of Cell Block H. Does Onasanya intend to resign? Of course not. After her conviction, she compared her tribulations to those of Jesus. WTF is not very conversant with the New Testament, but she is fairly certain that if He had been caught speeding on his donkey along Nazareth High Street, he would have ‘fessed up and not got Peter or John to take the blame for it.

And then there is the one-man wrecking ball that is Chris Grayling MP, Secretary of State for Transport. When we last left him, he had awarded a £14m emergency post-Brexit ferry contract to a new company with no ferries, something which he did not see as a problem, not at all, not even when the company’s standard terms and conditions turned out to have been copied from a food delivery business. On the contrary, Grayling insisted that there had been proper due diligence. A month after the furore, the contract was scuttled when it became apparent that the company had no ferries AND no financial backing. However, these were only the foothills of the fuck-ups of which Grayling is capable, and he was just warming up. This week, it emerged that the Government, (that means us, UK Readers, our money, our taxes, handed over to imbeciles to squander), had to hand £33m to Eurotunnel in an out-of-court settlement in compensation for its future loss of business, were the emergency ferries Grayling had commissioned, not that one of the companies involved actually had a bloody ferry, ever to set sail across the Channel to dodge the 100 mile queues consequent upon a no-deal, no Customs-Union Brexit. Grayling did not even go to the Commons to justify this latest calamity, and sent the Secretary of State for Health instead, who was then roasted like a saddle of lamb. Is Grayling about to resign? Not a bit of it. Apparently, the City of Calais has made it clear that he is not wanted there. He isn’t wanted here either. Sadly, we are stuck with him.

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We begin our sartorial survey with a trip to Paris Fashion Week, and actress Amber Heard, wearing Giambattista Valli.

Whilst better than some of Heard’s recent attire, this is still terrible. It is like recovering from a stomach infection and then succumbing to thrush. The dress looks like a very elderly flamingo on its way to the knacker’s yard.

Also wearing Giambattista Valli, actress and singer, Janelle Monáe.

She has got a fez on her head, like the late, lamented, comedian Tommy Cooper, and she appears to be wrapped in a collapsed parachute, displaying some fetching décolletage.

This is former model Elena Perminova, now married to squillionaire oligarch Alexander Lebedev. Elena is wearing Balmain.

Elena is very beautiful and has a pair of legs to die for, but this dress is a dud. It is basically no more than a vest and a quilted fanny flap. And what happens if she were to wear it to the theatre? There will be an encroachment into the seat on her right. People get upset at having their space invaded in this way. Just saying…

Here is actress Shailene Woodley, also wearing Balmain.

The 1980’s are back. We have former Home Secretary Amber Rudd calling a black MP, ‘coloured’ (see below), and now Balmain is marketing these hideous acid-washed jeans that sag around Shailene’s hips like a denim sack.

Away from Paris, we have American TV squeaky person Kristin Chenoweth, wearing who can even say what?

We had Megan Pormer with faux-pubes last week, and now we have more faux-pubes on Kristin. These are worse because they appear to be more, er, hairy. Kristin has also shown a certain cowardice in wearing little flesh-coloured shorties and bra, which match each other but not her skintone, which puts the tan into tangerine.

We now encounter young actress Baillee Madison, wearing Emporio Armani.

What the hell is this? She appears to be sitting in a sea of snot. This is just terribly terribly, terrible. In fact, it left terrible some distance back and is now travelling through ‘what the actual fuck’?

Meet Canadian actor Avan Jogia, wearing Sies Maran.

If a teddybear went to a fancy dress party as Freddie Mercury, this is what it would look like.

And finally, a truly horrible sight. Two of the cream of British womanhood, although in their case they are closer to skimmed milk, glamour models and celebritees, Rhianne Saxby and Sarah Longbottom. Rhianne is in black. Sarah is in white with her right nipple on show.

WARNING – NIPPLE ALERT!!!!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

Fake hair, fake tits, fake tan and lips like rubber tyres. See through. Nip slips. Horrible.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Linda from South London, who took great exception to former Home Secretary, now Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Amber Rudd, using the word ‘coloured’ to describe Diane Abbott MP, a black member of the Labour Shadow Cabinet. The irony is that Rudd was actually trying to defend Abbott against the bucketful of abuse she receives from psychopathic racist wankers various, as well as sticking up for other female MPs.

Unsurprisingly, Abbott took a poor view of Rudd’s  use of the word ‘coloured’, describing it as ‘telling’. Rudd probably did not meant use that word but, honestly. The word has not been in accepted use for decades, and a Cabinet Minister has no business speaking it aloud on public radio. Or at all. Every time Rudd opens her mouth, she puts her foot in it.  She’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Chris Grayling, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Fiona Onasanya, Paris Fashion Week, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Oscars Red Carpet Special

Hallo Readers,

The President of the United States is a liar (8,500 proven lies since taking office two years ago), a racist, a shyster and also happened to be the colour of a nuclear tangerine, but such is the new normal that most people no longer bat an eyelid one at anything he says or does, however obnoxious, disgusting or ridiculous. But things are changing. After two years of supine right wing nutters controlling the House of Representatives, the Democrats have power and are holding a series of hearings questioning Michael Cohen, Trump’s former lawyer, who has now turned on him. Cohen is an unsavoury blend of Tom Hagen, the Corleone lawyer in The Godfather, and Ray Donovan, the eponymous Hollywood fixer on the telly. Cohen came to public notice last year when he claimed to have paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 of his own money, unknown to his client,  in order to silence her claim that she and Trumpy had made the beast with two backs a decade earlier. It then turned out that Trump had known about it, although he had previously denied it. Next we learned that Trump authorised Cohen to silence Stormy, repaying him in a series of cheques. Trump then claimed that Non Disclosure Agreements were standard for billionaires like himself, and he had not breached campaign finance laws by paying her off to make himself look like a loyal husband and father to the electorate.  The current version of the story seems to be that although Cohen pleaded guilty to campaign fraud at the behest of Individual 1, (aka Donald J Trump), there was no crime. Because people, especially lawyers advised by other lawyers, always plead guilty to non-existent crimes. Cohen also pleaded guilty to lying to Congress about a possible Trump Tower in Moscow. In the campaign, Trump claimed that he had never had any interest in Russia. Cohen said on oath last year that any interests were over before 2016. (In the US, it is a crime to lie to Congress. Here, lie to Parliament and they put you in the Cabinet). Cohen also coughed to a number of other shystery  activities like tax evasion, and is off to prison in May to do a three-year stretch.

When Cohen gave public evidence to the House Oversight Committee on Wednesday, he had names, dates and documents, and for nine hours, he sang his little heart out. He had the cheques reimbursing him for Stormy. He had mortgage application forms showing Trump lying about his assets. He had papers indicating that Trump got someone to buy his portrait at a charity auction for $60,000 and then repaid him from his charitable foundation. He described tax fraud and a cornucopia of criminality. The Republicans on the Committee had one tactic – calling Cohen a liar and a convicted criminal. The problem is, he agreed with them. Their outrage at his calling Trump a liar was delicious and dispiriting to behold in equal measure. 

There now appears to be a glimmer of light at the end of the stinking rancid tunnel into which Trump has dragged us. It sometimes takes a crook to nail another crook and the nails were going into the coffin like an undertakers’ workshop. Committees various will now be all over Trump’s business dealings, his tax returns and his  bank accounts like a rash. Trump’s money man, Alan Weisselberger, who has immunity, is testifying in public on Wednesday.  And we still have Mueller’s report and further investigations by the New York authorities to come. Settle back in your seats. Bring popcorn. This is going to be fun.

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We’re off to the Oscars to consider a dozen shocking specimens from the Red Carpet and the various after-parties. We begin with singer Pharrell Williams, wearing Richard Mille and a Chanel necklace, seen here with his wife Helen Lasichanh. Helen looks fine.

Ah! There was a time when Pharrell graduated to long trousers, but he has lapsed back into shorts again, looking like an extra from Apocalypse Now.

Another singer, Leona Lewis, wearing Christian Siriano.

The colour is pretty but the shape is baffling and the fabric is hideous. The best that WTF can suggest is that this is a negligee with its own built – in headboard. And can women please stop sticking their leg out à la Angelina Jolie? It’s boring now, and it cannot be good for your hips.

Actress Maya Rudolph, wearing Giambattista Valli.

Leona is wearing the headboard. Maya is wearing the bedspread.

Let’s complete the bedroom trilogy with Chadwick Boseman, wearing Givenchy.

Had this been a jacket, it would have been lovely. Except that it isn’t a jacket, it is a sort of frock coat – cum- dressing gown, worn with a long black scarf which swoops past his groin almost down to his patellae. Even Donald Trump doesn’t wear his ties as long as that. All in all, there are too many things dangling at random.

Awkwafina, wearing DSquared2.

The scarf makes her look as if she has no neck, the hair makes her look as if she has no shoulders, the trousers make her look as if as she has no feet and the shine of the material could illuminate a whole street. Whoever did the cutting, and then the fitting, must have imbibed a few before picking up the scissors and the pins.

Model Heidi Klum, wearing Elie Saab.

You can always count on Heidi to wear something terrible on Oscars night, and this is no exception. She looks like a crow that has survived some very botched chest surgery.

Rita Ora, wearing Alexander McQueen.

Well of course Rita was amongst the worst dressed. When is she not? The top half is 19th century Wyoming saloon floozy and the bottom half is 21st century minge mask.

Megan Pormer, wearing Iris van Herpen.

Good question. Who the hell IS Megan Pormer? To be brutally frank, lovey, if you turn up on Oscars night and you have to tell people who you are, you shouldn’t bother turning up at all. This outfit falls into the category of get-yourself-noticed-at-all-costs, complete with deeply unnerving faux-pubes. And if WTF were going out (un)dressed like that, she would want to hide her face as well.

Designer Tommy Hilfiger wearing Tommy Hilfiger, and his wife, designer Dee Ocleppo

What a tosser. Keen Readers may recall that last year Tommy put Lewis Hamilton into a lairy tartan kilt and he now has used the off cuts to make himself this ridiculous suit, worn with dainty velvet slippers like George IV before he got gout. As for his spouse, what is that thing in her hand? It looks like a golden walkie-talkie.

Actress Linda Cardellini, wearing Schiaparelli. 

Good grief. It’s Red from the Angry Birds Movie in a mullet skirt.

Supermodel Kendall Jenner, hardly wearing Rami Kadi.

OK, Readers with your eyes out on stalks, Kendall is stunning with amazing everything, but this is not a dress, it is a loincloth complete with an imminent minge moment. There is more pelvis on display than in a midwives’ midterm test paper.

And finally, Billy Porter wearing Christian Siriano.

It’s magnificent and mad at the same time. If Scarlett O’Hara went to a fancy dress party as Fred Astaire AND Ginger Rogers, this is what she would look like.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh who brought this horror to light, as featured in a tweet from S Rifai (@THE_47th)

It’s like something out of Jurassic Park. Over to S Rifai’s for his/her observations ‘You get married, have a kid, you read him a story every night until elementary school, you support him through HS, be there throughout his formative and teenage years through all the ups and downs..and one day he comes back to lunch wearing this thing’ Agreed. They’ve Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Michael Cohen, Oscars, Uncategorized, US Election, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Brits and Bobs Special

 

Hallo Readers,

The British Body Politic, which had been ailing for some time, has finally succumbed to massive organ failure and is currently on life support, hooked up to those machines that go beep, beep, beep, like you see on the telly. The left side of the Body Politic started leaking, with eight constituent elements becoming detached. The diagnosis was a lethal mixture of Corbynitis, acute-non-Brexititis and antisemitism. On the right side of the Body Politic, three constituent elements detached themselves. The diagnosis was acute-non-Brexititis, extreme-anti-Moggery and a dislike of Mrs Maybe and her intolerance of immigrants various. Doctors in white coats are running one way shouting ‘we are a broad church’ whilst other doctors are running the other way shouting ‘we’ve got the malign bits out and now we can heal’. When the medics cannot even agree on the diagnosis, let alone the treatment, the prognosis is not good.

It has been a long time coming. In the Labour Party, Trots various called MPs who appeared to support a second referendum and/or the existence of the State of Israel, traitorous Blairite scum and urged them to leave the party. Now that they have resigned, they are being called traitorous Blairite scum for leaving. In the Tory Party, the three MPS who opposed Brexit were described as the enemy within and saboteurs. Now they have resigned, they are being attacked for deserting the party that needs them. There is no pleasing some people. And it is clear that in the days to come, others will follow, both Labour and Conservative. The Body Politic is bleeding out and there is a shortage of needles, suturing thread and anaesthetic. 

Antisemitism has plagued the Labour Party for a long time, and Corbyn stuck a few plasters over the wound rather than wield the scalpel. On the day seven MPs resigned, to general crowing cries of good riddance from some, and weasel words from others, the party readmitted Derek Degsy Hatton, a rabid Trot from the 1980’s who did his best to run Liverpool into the ground. Sadly, Hatton’s triumphant return only lasted two days before he was suspended over an alleged antisemitic tweet from 2012.  You couldn’t make it up, and you wouldn’t want to.  As for Brexit, there is no sticking plaster large enough to cover that wound, no kidney bowl deep enough to hold the pus leaking from it. There is no point calling for the crash cart. The patient is acystolic. Beep, beep, beeeeeeeepppppppppppppppp. Time of death March 29 2019.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam with singer Paloma Faith wearing No 21.

Oh dear. Oh very dear. Paloma looks like one of those cheap bathroom sets you can buy for £10 – bathmat, toilet mat and loo seat cover. We can but pray that no-one tried to wipe their feet – or worse- on her.

Next up, we have artist Lyali Hakaraia.  WTF has no idea what the hell this is. No idea at all.

WTF does not mind a man in drag as long as he looks good and has a certain swagger, but Lyali does not just look like a sack of shit, he looks positively creepy. He is wearing a prick-skimmer as a skirt, which is quite bad enough, Lord knows, but worst are the nude shoes, beloved by so many of the Royal Family, particularly St Kate of L K Bennett. WTF’s advice to Lyali is to button his coat and bugger off.

Kim Kardashian wearing vintage Thierry Mugler.

Easter is edging ever closer, but that does not excuse Kim going around dressed as a hot cross bun.

And look how tight those straps are. Her cups runneth over. The whole thing looks extremely painful and when she disrobed at the end of the night, the imprimatur must have lingered for days.

We now go to the Brits, the poor man’s UK version of the Grammys, where nonsense was all around. Let us begin with singer Sam Smith ,wearing Raf Simons.

Whoever told Sam that he looked good in this suit was not his friend. The colour is nice and the lace shirt is fun, but there is moose knuckle on display beneath the ill-fitting, Norman-Wisdom-style, way-too-short jacket, and the trousers are in a Mexican standoff with his ankles.

Singer Leigh-Anne Pinnock from Little Mix, wearing Suzanne Neville.

One can understand why Leigh-Anne wants to show off her body, because she a fab figure, but she has pitched up in public looking like one of those Hawaiian dancing girls that greet you in the lobby of a Honolulu hotel and drape you with leis. 

Singer Olly Alexander.

Like a public schoolboy dressed up as Edward VI in the school play. Dismal.

Singer Grace Carter, wearing a flasher mac.

Was there no cloakroom at the event?

Singer Lily Allen , heading to the after party in her undies and a blonde wig.

WTF had the misfortune to read an article in which Lily described how she had to have her nipples waxed (ouch!) before donning this outfit, which appears to consist of a pair of Spanx Power Panties underneath a deceased flamingo. The whole thing is very cut-price Diana Dors. (Did you know Diana Dors’ real name was Diana Fluck? Just saying…)

Performance artist Daniel Lismore, wearing dunno what.

If Yosemite Sam went to a fancy dress party as a space-age Turandot, this is what he would look like.


And finallyMontana Brown. celebritee and ‘star’ of that pile of steaming poo, Love Island, wearing Cherry Williams London.

WTF compliments Montana’s waxing technician, who has removed everything with great thoroughness. She is however forced to be somewhat sterner with Cherry Williams, whose poor handiwork has resulted in Montana sporting a shocking wedgie…. #nomorearsecheeks. Pretty please.

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado WTF who is deeply appalled by this Burberry hood. You want bad taste. Look no further than the Noose Hood, premiered during London Fashion Week.

What the actual fuck? When did hanging become fashionable? When did a noose become a fashion accessory? What the hell is wrong with these people? What next? An axe sticking out of someone’s head? Burberry has withdrawn this nonsense but it should never have seen the light of day in the first place. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Antisemitism, Brexit, Brits, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Duchess of Cambridge, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Labour Party, Politics, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

WTF Mega-Super-Ginormous Grammys Special

Hallo Readers

Until recently, Boris Johnson was not known for his ability as a conjurer. As an adulterer, certainly. As a liar, definitely.  As someone lazy and unwilling to read his brief, without question. But not as a conjurer. However, one is never too old to be surprised, usually unpleasantly, and Johnson’s ability to make money disappear into thin air (not dishonestly, just by being utter rubbish at his job) has been highlighted by the detailed breakdown of the £53 million spent during his tenure as Mayor of London on the Garden Bridge, a nonsensical leafy white elephant that was supposed to provide pedestrian access across the Thames by Temple Station. We all knew that Johnson could waste money – remember the £331,000 spent on three water cannon that were never deployed and were sold for £11,000? But at least there were three actual water cannon, albeit that they were never actually used because Theresa May, then the Home Secretary, blocked it. In the case of the Garden Bridge, there is not so much as a slab of concrete or a potted plant to show for it. The whole thing was a monument to Johnson’s ego and the old-pals act that allowed family friend Joanna Lumley to gain access to the Mayor and persuade him to commission her long-held dream of an oversized folly, London’s version of Kubla Khan’s Stately Pleasure Dome (And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree); except that Kubla Khan paid for his one himself. The design exercise was slanted in favour of architects Thomas Heatherwick, although they had never built a major bridge; of the three firms asked to tender designs, only Heatherwick got the tip-off that the bridge was supposed to be a garden bridge and not an ordinary bridge. Contracts were handed out like goodies at a kids’ birthday party. The Garden Bridge Trust was set up and fully staffed.  It was like a giant bran tub of business opportunities. 

They say that it is an ill-wind that blows nobody any good, and never was this so true as in this case. Thomas Heatherwick & Co were paid £2.7m. Designers, planners, engineers, consultants and technical specialist company Arup was paid £12.4 million. French contractors contractors Bouygues Travaux Publics and Cimolai SpA were paid 21.4 million, including £2.1 million for ‘costs suffered … and charged to the Garden Bridge Trust for the demobilisation of staff, offices and repatriation of plant and labour’. £1.3 million was spent on boreholes and looking for unexploded bombs. Some bloke got £330,000 for designing the leafy bits that were going on top of the bridge. £166,000 was spent on designing the website. The Garden Trust management ended up with £1.7 million in salaries for not raising enough money to build the thing they were being paid to oversee the building of. And of course m’Learned Friends did not miss out – they pocketed £2.3 million, laid in the Krug and purchased new Ferraris and charming holiday cottages in scenic spots. Even the bloke who paid £3,200 to play table tennis with Johnson is getting his money back. But Readers, do you know who aren’t getting their money back? The taxpayers. The council tax payers. The People in London (who are both council tax payers and tax payers). They all shelled out for something that isn’t there, and continue to shell out for Johnson’s pension as Mayor and his salary as an MP.  If only he had never materialised. At least the Garden Bridge looked nice.

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Our weekly survey of sartorial shite takes us to the Grammys, where shockingness was in abundance like summer fruit in an orchard. We begin with Kylie Jenner, wearing Balmain Haute Couture.

This appears to be a candy pink designer straitjacket, worn with very unflattering trousers and pink Marigold washing up gloves.

 

More pink, this time on Tayla Parx,  wearing granny’s bedspread. 

Let us hope that Tayla’s granny is not suffering from the cold, what with her granddaughter swiping her cuddly bedcover (or is it a slanket?), and pairing it with colourfully-hued sneakers. 

 Ben Harper  wearing who can even say what this is?

Ben is of African-American and Cherokee ancestry on his father’s side and his mother is Jewish, but for reasons best known to himself, he turned up dressed like a greeter from a Tijuana flophouse. 

Meghan Trainor, wearing Christian Siriano.

WTF tried to think how this could be any more unflattering and then gave up. Meghan looks like the abominable snowman with tits…. and boy, she seems miserable. 

And now an outbreak of Trump twattery, starting with the ridiculous Ricky Rebel, wearing Andre Soriano.

Andre Soriano specialises in designing ridiculous outfits for ridiculous non-persons to ensure that they get their picture taken at events such as this one. Ricky is a campaigner for LGBT rights. Has he ever had a chat with Mike and Karen Pence and the #MAGA mob, all of whom think he is going to burn in hell? WTF would not advise Ricky to walk into a Trump Rally dressed like this or he might never get out alive.

And here is serial offender Joy Villa.  Joy usually wears Andre Soriano on these occasions, but this time she is wearing Desi Designs.

Oh for Heaven’s sake.  Is she appearing in some sort of Alt-Right version of A Midsummer’s Night Dream?

Pyramus:- O kiss me through the hole of this vile wall.

Thisbe:- [Kneeling to kiss him through the Wall.] I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all.

Post Malone, wearing Ashton Michael and matching bootees by Scott Wayne.

Something very unpleasant is happening in the crotch department, the pink belt is camper than a Village People revival and only Barbie should be seen in pink boots. And probably not even her. Meanwhile, if there one thing WTF cannot abide above all things, even above a neck tattoo, it is a face tattoo.  WHY??????

Katy Perry, wearing Balmain Haute Couture.

Katy has an innate genius for getting it wrong. Like here. Balmain has managed to make her look like Mr Blobby.

Leon Bridges, wearing Bode.

Apparently, this suit is covered in badges of places in Texas, his home State, that mean something to him. That is as maybe, but he looks like a boy scout who has outgrown his trousers…. 

Stylist Jeannie Mai, wearing Balmain.

Yawn. Next. 

Cardi B’s younger sister, ‘social media star’ Hennessy Carolina, wearing not enough.

Like a tangerine Pantomime boy. The pointy minge guard is excessively …er….labial.

And Cardi B herself, wearing vintage Mugler Haute Couture.

In the immortal  words of Cheese, a character in one of WTF’s favourite films, Barry Levinson’s  Tin Men, “there’s definitely some sort of sickness that runs in that family…..”

Andra Day, wearing Cheng-Huai Chuang.

If Phoebe from Sesame Street went to a fancy dress party as a stripper, this is what she would look like.

Finally, here is music engineer and distinguished former winner of the WTF Summer Stinker 2016,  Shawn Everett, looking like a right idiot. No change there….

WTF is struggling to understand what is going on here, but has concluded that Shawn is very excited about the upcoming finale of Game of Thrones and has come dressed as Ser Gregor Clegane, aka The Mountain.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Humfrina who is aghast at the horror that is the Marks  & Spencer Love Sausage. Yes really.

As Humfrina observes, this speaks for itself. M&S decided to mark Valentine’s Day by marketing the Love Sausage. Ooh er missus…. This is more a case of Carry on Up The Khyber than Casablanca and It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Garden Bridge, Grammys, Politics, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Reading Special

Hallo Readers, 

Of all the things that enrage WTF about Brexit, which is pretty much everything, is the new era of do-it-yourselfery, where anyone with barely two brain cells to rub together can pontificate without bothering to learn more about the issues than listening to Nigel Farage on LBC and perusing @ravingmad on Twitter. Everybody now has an opinion. The problem is that an opinion which is not based on fact is not an opinion at all, it is simply verbal flatulence.

Be that howsoever it may be, you would expect rather better of a Government Minister. A Minister should be on top of his brief. In particular, the Minister dealing with Brexit should have some understanding of the issues. And one of the biggest issues around Brexit is the Irish Border. Before peace broke out in long-suffering Northern Ireland, the border was manned by armed British soldiers. Then came the Good Friday Agreement in April 1998. One of the main features of that agreement was a normalising of relations between North and South, with the consequence that citizens of both countries could cross the border freely without having a revved-up squaddie pointing a machine gun at them. And for twenty years, people have crossed the border every day without hindrance. But once we Brexit, that border becomes the only land border between Britain and and the EU, so if we are not in the Customs Union, how is that to be managed? May’s deal, which hit the buffers so spectacularly last month, was for a backstop, which meant that we could never leave, even after the transitional period ending in 2022, unless the thorny problem of the border had been resolved. So if you are in charge of Brexit, the Good Friday Agreement is required reading. A bit like the Bible if you are a priest. Or the script if you are an actor.

The former Secretary of State for Buggering Off, Dominic Raab, occupied the role from July 2018 to November 2018 and then flounced off in protest against the draft deal he himself had negotiated. This week Raab appeared in front of the Parliamentary Northern Ireland Affairs Committee, and was asked whether he had read the Good Friday Agreement. Raab replied ‘Um, I haven’t sat down and started at the beginning and gone through it.. But of course at various points of the negotiations when issues have been raised, it has been an important opportunity to delve into the different aspects very carefully’. In other words, no, he hadn’t. Raab has law degrees from Cambridge and Oxford. He must have read hundreds, perhaps thousands, of pages every week during the course of his studies and then in practice as a lawyer. But with the fate of the nation in his hands, he couldn’t be arsed to read thirty-five pages. The Committee members looked as if they had been slapped in the face with a fish. Raab added ‘It’s not like a novel, you sit down and say ‘do you know what, over the holidays, this is a cracking read’. Yeah, you’re right, Dom. Maybe they should have asked Dan Brown or John Grisham to have a go at drafting it. Then you might have got to the end during your tenure and you might have had a clue what you were talking about. Abject.

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We start our review of the week’s obnoxious outfits with celebritee Kim Kardashian at the amFAR Gala in New York wearing vintage Versace.

Yurgle. Her embonpoint must enter the room five seconds before the rest of her. Ridiculous. And talking of ridiculous, she is not barefoot, she is shod in invisible shoes by Gianvito Rossi.

Ridiculous.

Last week was the Superbowl in Atlanta, and two days beforehand, NFL stars gathered for the annual NFL Honors. This is one of WTF’s favourite events because you always get a lot of men looking very silly. Like Alvin Kamara of the New Orleans Saints, wearing Gentlemen’s Playbook.

There is silky. And there is shiny. And then there is this. He looks like an illuminated, lavender, Christmas tree bauble.

And here is another NFL player, Deshaun Watson of the Houston Texans. wearing a RichFest jacket. You can’t see the Gucci black trousers and OffWhite x Nike trainers. But trust me – they are there.

There is a lot going on here, and none of it good, not least the red collar like the Head Porter at a ritzy hotel in Biarritz. 

Next, we have singer Dua Lipa,wearing Armani Privé.

We are all waiting for the sheer trend to go away and we are still waiting and it looks as if we may be waiting for some time. Armani designed this with the skirt prettily lined, but Dua removed it for the express purpose of flashing her arse, which, in WTF’s view, is not a good enough reason.

Here is actress Jennifer Connelly at the premiere of Alita – Battle Angel wearing Louis Vuitton. As usual.

In effect, this is like a comedy suit of armour made out of an old shopping bag and displaying Jennifer’s somewhat spindly legs.

To London and Scottish singer and celebritee Tallia Storm, wearing who can even say what this is, at the premiere of Lego Movie 2.

Here is a WTF Rule. If it is cold enough for a fur jacket, it is too cold to flash your tummy. Especially in a PVC bralet and matching trewsies. And if the PVC trewsies were not bad enough (and they are, they really are), these also have instant minge access with one zip running around the groin and another running from bellybutton to crotch.

Say hallo to actress Rosamund Pike at the premiere of A Private War, wearing Hermès.

This is a bizarre blend of Annie Get Your Gun and Sonny Corleone in his vest and braces (suspenders to our US friends). WTF was unaware that boob tubes were still a thing, but if they still are, they shouldn’t be.

Rosamund should call the other Hermes, the one without the e-grave, and order them to deliver this load of tat back to the Hermès with the e-grave, and for that Hermès to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Here we are at the Vanity Fair BAFTA party and British designer Joshua Kane,  wearing himself.

Quite apart from Joshua’s ridiculous appearance, like a bespectacled Cavalier (the ones from the 1600’s, not the doggie breed), it is most unnerving to see a man with ladies and gentlemen wandering across his bits.

And finally this is actress and WWE announcer Charly Arnolt wearing something that looks like she isn’t wearing anything at all.

If Donald Trump ever took to cross-dressing and wanted to walk around giving the impression that he was naked, this would be the perfect outfit. Carly’s spherical tittage is as improbable as Donald’s staff giving off-the-record briefings to reporters that he does not use a tanning machine and his tan is down to  ‘good genes’. As if. The only thing that is genetically orange is an orange. 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF stalwart Andrew Purcell from Texas who has brought this utterly revolting thing to WTF’s attention – the fake camel toe panties. Yes really.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! IT IS BAD!!!!!!!

AND HERE IS ANOTHER WARNING TO GO WITH THE FIRST WARNING!!!!!

 

Andrew writes ‘Let me provide you with a brief respite from The Brexit Bunch. This has “Its Got To Go” written all over it.  In a universe that allows Donald Trump to be President, I guess there’s room for… “Fake Camel Toe Underwear”‘. No Andrew, there isn’t. There really isn’t. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

 

Posted in amFAR, BAFTAs, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Dominic Raab, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Good Friday Agreement, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Shutdown Special

Hallo Readers,

Normally employment works like this. The employee does stuff at the employer’s request. Then at whatever period is stipulated in the contract, the employer pays the employee for the stuff he or she has done. But in America, if the Government shuts down because Congress has not passed a budget, Government employees still have to come to work if told to do so, or they may be ‘furloughed’, which means they stay at home until instructed otherwise. But either way, they do not get paid. Nothing. Nada. Zero. When the Government re-opens, they get their pay backdated, (although contractors do not), but in the meantime, they have to draw on their savings. Unless, of course, they have no savings, in which case, they must make interesting choices, such as do they feed their kids or pay the mortgage? Do they put fuel in the car to get to work or pay for the heating bill? Friday 25 January will be Day 35 of the shutdown and people are getting desperate. And furious.

This is happening because President Donald Trump wants his wall.  The one Mexico was going to pay for. That wall. Only Mexico is not going to pay for the Wall, and was never going to pay for the Wall, which means either that there is no Wall or Americans have to pay for it with public money approved by the House and the Senate and signed off by the President. And neither Chamber will give Trump $5.7 billion to pay for the Wall. Trump is refusing to sign off on the original budget, which made no provision for any Wall but gave him $1.3 billion for border security – having said he would sign it, he reneged after right-wing nutters got antsy, and so 800,000 people are currently without pay.

Not that they are getting much sympathy from Trump acolytes. Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross, an 81-year-old multi-millionaire who looks like he died in the night, expressed surprise that people had to go to food banks, and anyway, he said, 800,000 employees’ pay was only a third of 1% of GDP. Trump’s daughter-in-law, Lara Trump, said, ‘Listen, it’s not fair to you, and we all get this, but this is so much bigger than any one person. It’s a little bit of pain, but it’s going to be for the future of our country.” No, love. It’s a little bit of pain when you wake up in the morning and realise you married Eric Trump, the son with a face like a boiled potato and a brain to match. It is a much bigger pain when you worry whether that you can keep a roof over your head.

And so it drags on. Trump pretends there is a ‘humanitarian crisis’ at the Southern Border, talks about ‘invasions’ (although crossings there are at a twenty year low), claims Democrats favour open borders, drug smuggling and uncontrolled crime and maintains that many unpaid workers are firmly behind him. This is what is known as bullshit. Sadly for him, the new Speaker of the House, mother-of-five Nancy Pelosi, is well used to dealing with toddlers’ tantrums, and is more than happy to get into a septuagenarian scrap. This week, she postponed his State of the Union address and Trump has now backtracked on $5.7 billion immediately and is offering to re-open the Government for three weeks in exchange for a ‘pro-rated down-payment’ on the Wall. On Tuesday, he whimpered that Pelosi ditched his State of the Union because she ‘didn’t want to hear the truth’. On the contrary, Mr President. As Jack Nicholson’s Colonel Jessup said, ‘You can’t handle the truth!’ During the campaign, you told a massive lie you cannot make good on, people are now getting hurt, and 70% of your fellow Americans disapprove of the way you are handling this fiasco. Madam Speaker has your little orange balls in a vice and she intends to keep on squeezing until you stop this nonsense and act like a grown-up. 

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We begin’s the week’s sartorial survey with actress Naomi Watts, wearing Nina Ricci.

The colour of this dress makes her look like a melted puddle of strawberry ice-cream. Furthermore, although criticism is alien to WTF’s nature, she feels compelled to remark that the seams are as puckered as Donald Trump’s horrible little mouth.

Next up, we have WTF regular, singer Rita Ora, wearing Dion Lee.

This is the Full Monty with peek-a-boo tits like a Klu Klux Klansman’s hood, mis-matched shades of white, and a skirt made out of that stuff greengrocers put over fruit to stop it bruising, with more than a flash of arse cheek. 

To Newcastle, where we find the “star” of Geordie Shore, Chloe Ferry, wearing Oh Polly, seen here with her boyfriend Sam.

This is not so much under-boob as thunder-boob, and it gets much, much worse, namely the dreaded nip slip. This is what happens when you venture out with your top half wrapped only in a tiny fuchsia bandage.

As for Chloe’s face, there has been major interference with the workings of nature, including a trout pout like something out of Finding Nemo. Here is what she looked like in 2014 before she became a celebritee….

To London, and actress Michelle Keegan at the National TV Awards wearing Dafna May.

One day Dafna may design a dress that doesn’t make the wearer look like a creosoted Sugar Plum Fairy. 

Here is actress Bella Thorne, née Annabella Thorne, and her boyfriend, singer Mod Sun, né Derek Smith.

Bella is showing an awful lot of chest and could well catch a chill. If it is cold enough to wear a coat, it is too cold to flash your embonpoint. As for her beau, he is also showing far more chest than anyone wants to see, including more artwork than Michelangelo’s sketchbook, and he has substituted what look like wind-chimes for a shirt. And as WTF aficionado Belinda rightly observed, no one should be allowed out in public with a mouth open that wide.

Here is rapper Cardi B, wearing Dolce & Gabbana. 

It is best to leave it to Cardi B to explain what is occurring. ‘… these pants is too mother–king tight. S–t was giving my p—y a wedgie. I hate having p—y wedgies, bro. My p—y be screaming at me like, ‘Bitch! You got me f–ked up! You want a yeast infection, bitch? You want a f–king yeast infection?'” WTF would advise either taking a size up or, better still, leaving this foul outfit on the hanger,

Finally, here we are at Paris Menswear Week where we encounter actor Robert Pattinson wearing Dior Homme.

At first WTF assumed that aficionado Kathryn had sent her a picture of a tramp on the Champs Elysées, but she then realised that it was Robert in designer togs, unkempt hair and a pallor last seen on someone exhumed by order of the Coroner. Why Dior Homme has found inspiration in Bill Sykes from Oliver!, WTF cannot say….


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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Sue Peters who was rightly horrified that magazine Marie-Claire had advised women to kick-start their period by inserting parsley into their vaginas. Health professionals reacted with sorrel, with one gynaecologist remarking ‘there are only a few things that should go into your vagina and parsley is not one of them’. This is sage advice that women should fennel if they want to stay in mint condition.

Clearly Marie-Claire got caraway with this nonsense, and the article has since been withdrawn. Why would any female want to turn their lady garden into a herb garden? It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Immigration, Nancy Pelosi, Lara Trump, Paris Fashion Week, Politics, Uncategorized, US Election, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment