WTF Dud Special

Hallo Readers,

That this Government is a shitshow is not news. But the depth of its shitshowery continues to take the breath away, a combination of ignorance, arrogance, incompetence and tone deafness that has never previously been seen. It is our misfortune as a nation to suffer it, and to suffer it during a worldwide pandemic. Cometh the hour, faileth the Leadership. Let us consider this week’s prize duds.

Item – The Lord Chancellor/Minister of Justice and the Attorney-General, both of whom studiously look the other way while the Government flouts international law. The Scottish Advocate General, Lord Keen of Elie QC, had the decency to resign when the Government announced its intention to break the law ‘in a limited but specific way’. The reason it has to break it at all is that, in an outcome surprising absolutely no-one, it cannot maintain EU Customs Union freedom of movement for goods in Northern Ireland AND allow Northern Ireland to have a border with the UK  – something everyone knew at the time, said so at the time, and were roundly dismissed by our gung-ho ‘optimistic’ Prime Minister intent on ‘getting Brexit done’. His English counterparts see no problem with Britain reneging on an agreement it signed only months earlier. The A-G, Suella Braverman, commissioned legal advice from three committed Brexiteers which confirmed  what she wanted them to confirm. The woman would have to quadruple her intellect just to qualify as thick. Robert Buckland, the Lord Chancellor, says he would resign if the law were broken in a way he found ‘unacceptable’. The nation awaits his definition of when it is acceptable to break the law. The late Congressman John Lewis, the heroic campaigner for black rights in the US, talked about getting into ‘good trouble’.  This ain’t good trouble. This is chickens coming home to roost.

ItemJacob Rees-Mogg, the mobile nasal mucus who is Leader of the House of Commons. Moggy is a multi-millionaire Old Etonian, who married millions, and made even more millions through fund management. Today, at the same time as the former testing czarina Baroness Harding admitted to a House of Commons committee that demand for Covid19 tests exceeded capacity by four to one, Moggy told the House ‘instead of this endless carping, saying it’s difficult to get them, we should actually celebrate this phenomenal success of the British nation in getting up to a quarter of a million tests of a disease that nobody knew about until earlier in the year’. Phenomenal success? Every day, desperate and terrified citizens are driving miles cross-country to a testing station in another county, only to find no one there. If they do manage to get a test, they have to wait days for the result. Meanwhile, Moggy’s alma mater is testing every pupil, whether they are symptomatic or not. How very dare people carp? They should be grateful for the opportunity of spending money they don’t have on petrol they can’t afford, to go to somewhere they don’t live, not to get a test they want and which, by the way, they were promised last June. If only their parents had saved up and sent them to Eton…… 

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial sluice bucket with model Kate Moss and her daughter Lila Grace Moss Hack.

Lila Grace, who is 17, is dressed in not enough. Kate is dressed in some sort of designer dish dash. That is all that can said about Moss mère et fille.

Here is radio presenter Kelly Brook on the way to do her radio show. WTF has no idea what she is wearing. None whatsoever….

WTF has taken against the loose threads hanging down from the shorts. Bigly taken against them. They put her in mind of Stormy Daniels’ description of Donald Trump’s ‘yeti pubes’. And no, you are not getting a lookalikey picture….. 

Next up, we have First Daughter Ivanka Trump aka #NepotismBarbie wearing Emilia Wickstead at the White House signing of the Abraham Agreements, seen with her husband Jared Kushner, aka #KenDoll. 

One wonders whether either of these two ghastly pair has an original working part between them. Or a brain. Ivanka continues to insert herself into every major event, like Zelig, and her upholstered chest in that anaemic flouncerama puts one in mind of a pouter pigeon.

Now we move to LA and singer Justin Bieber, out and about in bright pink leisurewear. 

Really? He looks like a tattooed guava. And extra minus points for the stupid hat.

This is sort of actress Phoebe Price out and about in LA.

Phoebe’s principal purpose is to wear silly things in public so that people will take her photo. And someone did…… she looks like a kaleidoscopic Puss in Boots, while the mirrored lenses give the illusion that the price ticket for the hat has fallen in front of her eye. Just. Go. Away.

Here is World Champion racing driver Lewis Hamilton  and his pet pup Roscoe arriving at Sir Philip Green’s yacht in Monaco. Lewis is wearing MGSM. Roscoe is wearing Roscoe.

Lewis is a grown man dressed like a Wimbledon ballboy. Roscoe however looks good.

And finally here is singer Billie Eilish wearing Gucci.

Billie looks like the love child of a desert tribeswoman and a 1960’s hippy. And if you are going to wear a $$$$$ Gucci blanket, at least wear it the right way round so that the wash label is not on display.

 

 

 

 

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Bindy from Wiltshire who has brought these truly appalling leggings to WTF’s horrified attention.

 

Er…. look. All women have had a little accident in their lives at a certain time of the month, but we do not need to parade it coram publico. Revolting.  And then some.  It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

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WTF Six of the Best Special

Hallo Readers

Welcome to another edition to Covid Hokey Cokey, in which Her Majesty’s Government changes its mind about how to handle the virus, often from day to day. In, out, in, out, shake it all about, and then blame someone else. First you can fly to somewhere foreign and have a nice holiday. Then you can fly to the same somewhere foreign, but you will have to come back early at a cost equivalent to buying the entire plane, or else self-quarantine for a fortnight when you get home, which means that you are taking four weeks’ holiday, not two. One day Portugal is fine, then it isn’t (but Madeira is). One day Hungary is tops, and then it isn’t. Of course, you could have settled for a nice fortnight in Cornwall instead, except that the Cornish all hate you for spreading your vile infection around their sparsely populated, one-hospital-only county, and resent your refusal to wear a mask because you “came on holiday to get away from all that, innit”? 

And now the Government has changed its mind about how many people you can mingle with. Whatever it was last week, it is different this week. Starting from Monday 14 September, you cannot congregate indoors in groups of more than six, whether in your home, in someone else’s home, or around a restaurant table. If you do, a Covid Monitor will come up and fine you (which is more than they do when not wearing a mask). People are incensed. Christmas Day round at Nan’s has been shelved. If you want to see more than six family members, your only choices are to kill someone off so that they can all come to the funeral, or get married so they can all come to the nuptials. Is this the end of civilisation as we know it?

But all these people bemoaning Yuletide without Auntie Ethel can get stuffed because many of them did not give a toss about their aged or ailing relatives when they crammed into pubs and clubs, and went to the races, and queued outside Primark for the sales, and crowded onto Bournemouth Beach (doing their whoopsies wherever they fancied as all the loos were locked), and picnicked in the park, and attended  raves, and congregated at large family gatherings, and demonstrated maskless for or against Black Lives Matter, and celebrated Liverpool winning the League.  And still they wander into shops and on and off public transport without a mask, getting aggressive with others who ask them to put one on, and who declare loudly that they are not going to wear one because it is their democratic right to infect anyone and everyone with a virus that does not exist, and it’s just like the ‘flu. Except that it is not just like the ‘flu. Even President Trump knows that is not just like the ‘flu. He always did. He just told everyone that it was because he didn’t want them to panic. And damage the stock market.

Meanwhile, do not despair, Great British Public! You may have to spend Christmas all alone with your partner and screaming kiddies watching yet another re-run of Mrs Brown’s Boys, but by the Spring, Boris Johnson has promised us all almost daily testing with new instant technology using saliva. It hasn’t actually been invented yet but hey! Let’s be positive. Or rather, let’s hope that the test will show we’re not positive. And be accurate.  Once it is invented, that is…….

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This week’s survey of comedy clothing starts at the Venice Film Festival, and a  couple of dodgy dresses, first on esteemed actress Cate Blanchett, wearing Alexander McQueen.

Whatever is going on here should not be. It is all so BUSY, what with the tutu like Darcey Bussell, and the net curtain skirt, not to mention the fluffy thing sitting on her shoulder, reminiscent of the scene in White Chicks when the Wayne Brothers take to the catwalk.

Next up, we have Italian ‘celebritee’ Ludovica Valli wearing Antonio Riva.

This is beyond frightful, but at least you cannot say that Antonio has scrimped on the material. There is more sheeting than to be found in the linen cupboard at the Gritti Palace Hotel. She looks like an unmade Kingsize bed……

To London, where we encounter WTF’s favourite Z-lister, Lizzie Cundy, out on a date wearing a Zara top, mock-leather skirt from TopShop, and Carvela sandals.

Lizzie is 52, and persists in dressing as if she were 26. Let us not dwell upon her face and (for once, covered up) embonpoint, both of which have seen some interference with the workings of nature. Instead, let us consider that her skirt is ridiculously short, her sandals are hideous, her stomach needs to be put away and the last time WTF saw legs like that, they were hanging off a chicken.

Talking of the Z list, here is TOWIE’s Gemma Collins wearing Wendy Grey Handmade and a Louis Vuitton £1600 handbag.

Gemma has recently lost three stone, and good for her, but this outfit is grislier than a grisly bear with grizzle issues, The leisurewear jim-jams are both slithery and lurid, and the handbag is an overpriced eyesore, but WTF’s disapprobation is principally reserved for the retro swimming cap, the purpose of which is unclear.

Still in London, we find singers Mabel (left) wearing a onesie by Bad Society Club. and Raye (right) wearing who knows what.

Raye looks like an imminent Minge Moment in musketeer boots. As for Mabel, never mind Bad Society, this is just bad taste, and the rear view is, to say the least, unfortunate.

Finally, here is singer and actress Jennifer Lopez wearing Ralph Lauren.

Oh dear Lord. This is the lovechild of the worst migraine you ever had and a lava lamp, and it makes the lovely Jennifer look as though her pudendum has exploded……

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Ayesha from Stepney, and also fromWTF. Both are outraged by Propaganda Barbie, aka Kayleigh McEnany, the White House Press Secretary, who is paid a lot of money by US Taxpayers to lie to their face. This week she hit rock bottom when informing the Press Corps that Trump had not downplayed the Coronavirus pandemic, when an hour earlier a tape had been released of him saying exactly that. And he then said it again about an hour later.

And that is not all. Look at the way she is dressed in that cutaway neon shift with plenty of underarm and a suggestion of sideboob. She is a Government Official. She is in the James Brady Room of the White House, not spending Sunday on Coney Island. The World has seen and heard enough. She’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WTF Gerontology Special

Hallo Readers

When WTF was growing up, (if she ever did – discuss), Russia and China used to be run by very elderly men in grey clothing with faces to match. If one of them was not seen for a while, it was a fair bet that they were either on life support or in the freezer awaiting the right moment to have their demise announced by weeping TV announcers on State television.  But now Russia is led by President Putin, who insists upon baring his chest at every opportunity  in order to show us how buff he is, while China is led by President Xi Jinping, who has a perennially youthful face and looks awfully nice, except that he isn’t. Both of them are 67 years old and look to be in the peak of health,  (which is more than you can say for their opponents, but that is another blog).

Over in the USA, which gave us Presidents Kennedy, Clinton, Bush the Younger and Obama, the country now faces a choice on 3 November between Donald Trump,  who is 74, and Joe Biden, who will be 78 if he takes office on 20 January 2021. Frankly, as WTF’s dad used to remark, both of them look as if they are walking around to save themselves funeral expenses. Supporters of each of them accuse the other of having lost it upstairs, even though Trump boasts that he can recognise an elephant and remember the words ‘Person Man Woman Camera TV’, not that those were the actual words in the mental acuity test he took at some point. Both of them wander off the point mid-sentence and get more words wrong than Mrs Malaprop. Added to that, although Biden was recently filmed riding a bike, Trump barely walks anywhere, not even on the golf course, and was seen recently tottering down a ramp at West Point with a terrified expression on his face and the gait of an ancient granny. And it is rumoured that he might have had a stroke or a series of mini strokes. Trump has a full head of hair, although whose hair is open to question, is hugely overweight, and covers his ageing skin with orange panstick. Biden is slight, has thinning white hair, and looks frail.  At the three election debates, everyone will be watching to see who can complete a full sentence without a gaffe. It will be like an endless argument at a family wedding between your two oldest uncles.

But there is no choice. Another four years of Trump, and America will be stripped of the last vestiges of decency, compassion, truth and sanity. Not to mention that WTF will probably have to be put away in a straitjacket.  Please, please, US voters……do the right thing.

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After months of celebrity retrospectives, WTF is pleased to announced the return of actual summer celebritees in their sartorial slurry, starting with a WTF favourite Lauren Goodger wearing something foul.

Oh Lord.  Lauren does not give up,  does she? Looking at her in this nonsensical onesie is like watching a female leopard undergoing a cervical smear. And if you think that image is unpleasant, get a load (sic) of  Lauren in a paparazzo pic, i.e. one not susceptible to Instagram touchups….. 

 Next up, we have singer Will Young featured on the cover of The Sunday Times Magazine (he has a book coming out). This was sent in by WTF aficionado Norman from Belsize Park who was rightly appalled by what he saw over his weekend breakfast.

You what? This is even worse than Lewis Hamilton wearing that ridiculous Tommy Hilfiger kilt, and is more like the lovechild of Rob Roy and Boris Johnson on his recent midge-infested holiday in Scotland.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is rapper Cardi B wearing vintage Chanel at her daughter Kulture’s birthday party

Kulture (kill me now) is two years old. Kids of that age want kandy and kake. They do not want Mummy swanning about in fuck- me shoes, threatening an imminent Minge Moment and flashing her tattoos.

Say hallo to singer Rihanna at the launch of her new skincare range, Fenty Skin, and wearing her own clothing range, Fenty.

The Fenty skincare is obviously working because she looks glorious – from the neck up. But the cheap-looking leather dress makes her appear to be standing in a mound of ordure and those sandals are more Up Pompeii! than Roman.

This is model Bella Hadid wearing Nensi Dojaka at the MTV Video Music Awards.

WTF has taken against Bella, not least because she looks like Melania Trump’s little sister, but also because she has a permanently farouche expression. Not to mention that Nensi has put her in a pair of black nursing pads under an old pair of tights and called it a top.

There was a time when singer Miley Cyrus was always in WTF wearing arse-and-boob-baring items in an effort to ‘épater les bourgeois’. Then she went respectable and got married. Then she got divorced and is back to her old ways. Here she is wearing Mugler.

It’s a sparking shower curtain with a bandeau bikini underneath. Yawn. Are we really still doing this?

Also there was rapper Machine Gun Kelly (né Richard Colson Baker) wearing a most remarkable ensemble.

The colour is actually rather wonderful, albeit somewhat of a challenge to the music world’s collective retinas, but a sleeveless polo neck and pearls? Absolutely not. And why he is pretending to be actor Owen Wilson?

Now to the premiere of actress Tara Reid’s  new film ‘Attack of the Unknown’. She is wearing Stello.

Another Minge Moment brought to us by Minge Maestro, Michael Costello. Stello is his ready-to-wear range, but no-one in their right mind would be ready to wear this. Tara’s little leggier are not flattered by the length of this thing and that is not so much a tit window as an open doorway.

Also there was actor Ben Stobber wearing Opposuits.

Opposuits are supposed to be fun, but this kaleidoscopic nightmare is as much fun as a barbed wire enema, especially when worn with a MATCHING TIE, scuffed beige shoes and, FFS, blue hair. It is as if someone had thrown up over a smurf.

And finally this week, here is Ezra Miller at a UNICEF Gala in Capri, wearing Mônot. Careful how you go with this one…..

JUST. MAKE. IT. STOP. Billy Porter he ain’t. It was bad enough looking at Tara’s giant tit window, but this is a new one, even for WTF. This is a chest casement.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Sue from Islington (supported by WTF, also from Islington) who has taken understandable exception to the new Arsenal away kit. It has gone all poncy. Look.

Arsenal’s away kit has always been some variation of yellow and blue. Now it is the same colours as the home kit, red and white, and is purportedly inspired by the marbled halls of Highbury, its former Art Deco ground. That is all well and good, but to Sue, WTF, and countless others, the shirt is more reminiscent of someone covered in blood after multiple stab wounds. Death by a thousand cuts….. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

 

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WTF Brewery Special

Hallo Readers,

It is not just that this Government not organise the proverbial piss-up in a brewery. We already know this. But this lot would outsource the piss-up to an off-the-peg company registered in some sandy tax haven with no expertise in throwing parties. That company would order canapés that had gone off long before the date of the festivities and it would also book a widget factory instead of a brewery, which would anyway then be closed down by the authorities as non-Covid compliant, and probably riddled with asbestos to boot.

We have been here before. Remember Chris Grayling, an idiot masquerading as a Minister, who handed out a contract for ferries to a company with no ferries? Remember a shipment of 400,000 face masks from Turkey that turned out to be unfit for purpose and as much use as tits on a fish? And now we have fifty million masks bought for £160 million which have proved unusable because the design was wrong. But it gets worse. Much worse.

The company in question, Ayanda Capital, is registered in the tax haven of Mauritius. It has no experience in PPE procurement, not even of any kind. Had it had such experience, someone employed there might have noticed that the respirator marks, intended for doctors to protect them from catching Covid, had ear loops instead of head loops. which meant they could not be properly secured and so would not work. 

So Readers, how did an investment company come to get this contract at all? Well…. it turns out that the Secretary of State for International Trade, Liz Truss, a woman mounting a strong challenge to Grayling in the Ineptitude Stakes, has an adviser called Andrew Mills. Mills advises the Board of Trade, which Truss chairs. Mills approached the Government on behalf of his little £100 company, and got the contract, apparently on the basis that it had sole manufacturing rights in a Chinese factory. Mills then asked for the contract to be transferred to Ayanda, to which he was a senior board adviser, on the basis that it (Ayanda) ‘had more suitable banking infrastructure’. Mills also denies that his position at the Board of Trade had nothing whatsoever to do with the price of fish and how very dare anyone suggest it? 

So we have two companies with no experience off PPE procurement getting the nod from the Government for a ginormous contract, a crap product, £160 million of taxpayers’ money gone down the plughole, and doctors in the middle of the worst health crisis for a century left without the vital equipment they need. Boris Johnson is apparently ‘very disappointed’. Disappointed? Disappointed is when you can’t find a parking space and you are running late for the cinema. Disappointed is when your local corner shop has run out of tagliatelle. This is not disappointing. This is outrageous. Not to mention further evidence, not that evidence were needed, that Johnson and his administration are more useless that those containers of rubbish masks cluttering up a warehouse or two. 

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WTF is having a break for the rest of August, but our retrospective today is chosen by her and it is a doozy. We consider the fashion flotsam worn by the Hollywood Elite, starting in March 2013 with Faye Dunaway at the Vanity Fair Oscars Party.

The dress and cape were elegant but the hair and gloves made her look like Iggy Pop in Marigold washing up gloves.

In February 2014 Liza Minnelli went to the Oscars wearing vintage Halston.

As WTF remarked at the time, there comes a time in every woman’s life when she needs to wear a bra, and for Liza, that time was 2014 (and probably several decades before that). If a Smurf went to a fancy dress party wearing a satin bedsheet, this is what it would look like.

Whoopi Goldberg was also at the same ceremony, wearing who even knows what?

At first WTF wondered whether this meant to be a piss-take of Julia Roberts’ Dolce & Gabbana outfit at the Golden Globes that year, but this sailed past piss-take and docked in deranged, not least because of the striped socks and ‘I’m-Dorothy-come-here-Toto’ shoes.

January 2015 saw Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Elie Saab. 

This fell squarely into the category of ‘Call for the Canesten’. A pink onesie snuggling into the crotch is never a good idea. No wonder she looked manic – the poor love was obviously trying to take her mind off the minge pain.

This is November 2015 where we meet Johnny Depp and his then wife Amber Heard.That marriage worked out well, didn’t it?

Amber looked OK in a 70’s-boho sort of way, but what was Johnny wearing? Was he working as an extra in UnOrthodox? He even had the payot.

And in the same month we saw the wonderful Jane Fonda in THESE things.

If WTF looks even a fraction as good as this at the age of 77, she will be ecstatic, as well as very pleasantly surprised, given that Jane is as slim as a pencil. But these ruffled pants were deeply horrible and resembled a pair of Victorian drawers.

We are now in February 2016, where we come across Marion Cotillard at the Vanity Fair Oscars Party, wearing Giambattista Valli. 

Marion  had the good grace to look embarrassed, as well she might, This haute couture creation had a crushed disco-ball top and a slumbering -sheep skirt. There was also a black thing, the purpose of which WTF could not fathom, and a table napkin tucked into the waistband, perhaps in readiness for a particularly crumbly canapé.

In November 2017 Jared Leto went to the MTV Music Awards (he also plays in a band), wearing Gucci.

Like a paint chart of puke-making pastels. And that flower was really, really, stupid.

We are now in October 2018 where we find Sarah Paulson wearing Calvin Klein.

There was a trompe l’oeil man’s head nestling on her breasts and a rubber incontinence mattress lining. and wings on her ankles like Mercury, presumably so that she could fly away at the earliest opportunity.

In January 2019 Anne Hathaway went to the Golden Globes, wearing Elie Saab.

Apart from the annoying Angelina pose, which WTF hates almost all things, Anne resembled the lovechild of a cheetah and Russell Crowe in Gladiator. WTF was not entertained. 

And finally we are in May 2019 with Sylvester Stallone.

Seriously? His face was more full of plastic than a landfill site and he was wearing CREAM SLACKS with a blue dinner jacket, a white shirt and hanky and black shoes and a black bow tie. Was he moonlighting as a cruise director on Love Boat?

 

And so we come to the winner of the Summer Stinker Poll 2020. It is…..

DRUMROLL…..

LIZZO!!!!!

It was neck and neck all the way between her and alleged singer  Ricky Rebel but in the end, Lizzo triumphed with celebritee Lauren Goodger well behind  in third place.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yosra from Giza in Eyypt, who has taken against these fowl (see what I did there?) Kentucky Fried Crocs. Yes. Really. 

Those nuggets on the top, like crispy penises, SMELL OF FRIED CHICKEN!!!  It gets worse. “Combining the unmistakable look of our world-famous fried chicken and signature KFC bucket with the unparalleled comfort and style of Crocs, these shoes are what fried chicken footwear dreams are made of,” says KFC US. Who are the people dreaming of  fried chicken footwear? THEY NEED MEDICAL HELP.  STAT. They -and these Crocs, and indeed all Crocs – Have Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF is giving herself and you a summer break and will be back on Friday 4 September. Have a good August, be good, be careful, and wash your hands. x

 
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WTF SUMMER STINKER POLL 2020

Hallo Readers,

Before we turn to the main business  of the week, the Summer Stinker Poll, we must pause to consider the matter of why it (rightly) unacceptable to denigrate Muslims, or people of colour, or the disabled, but it is acceptable to denigrate Jews. Not Israel. Not Nethanyahu.  Jews. And why Twitter, which will suspend your account almost instantaneously if you abuse any of the aforementioned groups, or if you were to call someone a moron, even if they are, or to suggest that they push off and have sex with themselves, nevertheless is slow to act when the targets of the attack are Jews.

Last weekend, a rapper called Wiley, of whose existence WTF had hitherto been unaware, sent out a continuous torrent of anti-Semitic filth. The immediate target seemed to be his managers, who are Jews. And then the verbal diarrhoea started, and it went on and on. Jews were the ‘worst people in the world’. They had ‘got rich on the backs of black people’. They also got the best service in hospitals (eh?). There might well have been a tweet about them using the blood of babies for matzos but WTF managed to miss it. What she did not miss was both the wave of outraged Jews and non-Jews on Twitter demanding that the stuff be taken off, or those who supported Wiley in similar terms and were then retweeted by him. And what did Twitter do? Nothing,

Let us imagine that someone had written that blacks ae the worst people or Muslims are the worst people in the world. The howls of outrage from the left would deafen us all. But substitute the word ‘Jew’ and the excuses come thick and fast. ‘It is not racist because Jews are not a race’. Actually, they are, but in any event, Muslims are not a race either and the sentence ‘Muslims are the worst people in the world’ would never be tolerated. ‘It is an attack on Israeli aggression’. No, it is an attack on Jews. Wheel out the old Jewish tropes. Jews control the banks. Jews control the world. Jews own the media. Jews are mean. Jews are venal. Blah, blah, blah. Bring back the yellow stars.

But this time, Jews – and those who understood the reality of these attacks on Jews, and Twitter’s inaction  – had had enough. They boycotted Twitter for 48 hours. And guess what? Wiley has been now banned from Twitter. Because the place to hit Twitter – and Facebook, and Instagram – is in the pocket.

Wiley is unrepentant, offering that splendid non-apology that he was not attacking Jews, he was attacking ‘slimy people.’ Right.

So here is the question, anti-racism warriors who either supported Wiley or stayed silent. Where the hell were you?

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NOW it is time for the WTF Summer Stinker Poll 2020. Yes, people stopped going out from mid March, but fortunately the early months were in Award Season – Oscars, Grammys, Critics’ Choice, BAFTAs – and so we still have rich pickings from which to choose. Sixteen of them.  All you have to do is to study these clothing calamities and then to vote for as many or as few of them as you like. They are featured in alphabetical order (by first name), so there is no indication of WTF’s preferences or personal views. There is none of that Single Transferable Vote malarkey  here – you just vote for whomsoever you want, and for as many as you want, and as many times as you want, and then tell everyone you know to do the same.

The results will be in next week’s edition on 5 August. 

Brace yourselves. What follows is BAD, BAD, BAD. Off we go!

  1. Billy Porter, American Broadway star, wearing Hogan McLaughlin.

Billy has been appearing in dresses at Red Carpet events for a while now, some of them rather stunning, like the one he wore to the Oscars in 2019 by Christian Siriano. But this one looked like the back of a dining chair with a skirt, as you see at weddings, while Billy’s faux butterfly tattoos set WTF all of a flutter, and not in good way.

2. Cardi B, American rapper, wearing Nicholas Jibran.

Cardi B has always been open about having had her tits done, but then she could hardly have denied it, as normal tits do not look like a couple of oversized crème caramels. As for the dress, the bottom half was fine, although it was in truth a lot more than a half, given how small the top bit was. She must have bought up California’s entire supply of tit tape.

3. Celine Dion,  Canadian singer, wearing Prada.

Celine seems to employ the same tanning technician – and to use the same shade – as the Trumps. As for the outfit, she looked like a technicolour refuse collector. 

4. Edith Bowman, British radio DJ and presenter.

The über-frilly dress, like Queen Victoria’s nightie, was bad enough, but made infinitesimally worse by an inexplicable yellow belt and blue Marigold washing- up gloves. One word for Edith – hairbrush.

5. Gwyneth Paltrow, American actress and wellness guru, wearing Fendi and  (borrowed) Bulgari diamonds.

Peekaboo frills the colour of diseased animal droppings with a side order of buttock. And there was also the necklace worn UNDER the dress. At the time,  WTF wondered whether this was a precaution against the risk of her jewels being nicked by a dastardly jewel thief. If only someone had nicked the dress the night before and done everyone a favour.

6, Harry Styles, British singer and actor, wearing Gucci.

Harry, once a gormless lad in bad jeans on The X Factor, has become quite the fashionista, clad in head-to-toe Gucci. WTF could have lived with the trousers, but not the lacy-collared shirt and cashmere sweater worn with pearls, like the lovechild of Greta Garbo and Miss Marple. And white shoes on men are never acceptable. Fact.

7. Hunter Schafer, American model and actress, wearing Rick Owens.

 

When the hideous backdrop looks better than what you’re wearing, you have a problem. In this case, a yellow top that resembled an oversized gas mask and double-split genitalia curtains like a giant sanitary pad, worn with horses’ hooves.

8. Jon Hamm, American actor, wearing Tom Ford.

This is officially a pity. Jon is a handsome man, but even he was defeated by this snug-fitting, satin suit like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. Questions also had to be asked about the white sneakers and the grey poloneck. And the answer to both was ‘no’.

9. Jorja Smith, British singer, wearing Jean-Paul Gaultier.

The colours were great, and WTF quite enjoyed the matching Three Musketeer boots. But not the shadow of death around the minge and running down her inner thighs. Yurgle.

10. Lauren Goodger, British celebritee, wearing Oh Polly!

This is more a case of “Oh Dear!’. Those tits are deeply improbable and the last time that WTF saw lips like that, they were attached to a four-wheel drive. As for the onesie, there was more lace on Harry Styles’ shirt collar. Cheap and nasty. It is time for Lauren to go away and do something useful with her life.

11. Lizzo, American rapper and singer. 

There was probably a good reason why Lizzo stepped out in public looking a pantomime boy in an avante-garde production of The Sleeping Beauty set in a Spanx factory. It is just that WTF has no idea what it was. The hair and makeup, however, were tops.

12. Retta, American comedienne and singer.

WTF does not even know what this was supposed to be. But whatever it was supposed to be, it probably got Retta a bigger laugh than any of her punchlines. Unless her intention was to look like a raffia doll left out in the rain.

13. Richard Malone, Irish fashion designer, wearing himself.

Richard looked like a third rate bullfighter with a late growth spurt, and he needs to tailor his trousers better, because these suffered from elephant vagina syndrome. As for the platform boots, WTF had a pair of those in the 1970’s, only not nearly as ugly – or as high. They were from Sacha, long gone, and were so tight that they left indentations on your calves for hours after they had been taken off.

14. Ricky Rebel, American singer-songwriter and Trump toady.

What was it with raffia this year? That was not a top and the lace cloak was preposterous, but the penis peepholes were plain offensive. Just. Go. Away.

15. Shaun Ross, American model, wearing an outfit of his own design.

He appeared to be covered in Maltesers after the chocolate has been sucked off them. How did he sit down without extreme discomfort around his nether regions?

16. Tommy Dorfman, American actor, wearing Martin Margiela.

More male crotch. The outfit was fine as far as it went, save for the Pan Am air stewardess hat from the 1960s, and the ‘ickle candy clutch with thumb hole, which had nothing to do with the price of fish. But it did not go far enough, to whit a total absence of anything even vaguely resembling trousers, affording us a glimpse of his crotch. Further, blue lips are never a good idea on anyone because they make you look cyanotic.

OK Readers, now it is your turn to do the work. You have sixteen spew-making specimens to choose from. GET VOTING!!!!

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Lesley from Devon. who is appalled by Dr Stella Immanuel, who is madder than a box of frogs with mental issues.

Dr Immanuel was born in Cameroon, trained in Nigeria and practices medicine in Houston, Texas. She is also a preacher at the Divine Church of the Raving Mad, and espouses the view that female ailments are as a result with nighttime nookie with incubi. Yet President Trump retweeted her endorsement of using  hydroxychloroquine for treating coronavirus (she is a paediatrician, not an epidemiologist). When her unusual views were put to him, he declared both that he thought her impressive and her views important, and that he knew nothing about her. To be frank, BOTH of them Have Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, and please don’t forget your sizzling suggestions for It’s Got To Go and for the celebrity fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful and wash your hands. x

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WTF Spot the Rhino Special

Hallo Readers,

 

Until recently, President Trump thought that a Rino meant ‘Republican In Name Only’, an epithet he uses to describe any member of the GOP who has the temerity to disagree with him. But now the rhino (with an h) has taken on a new significance. Look at the three animals above. PRESIDENT TRUMP CAN NAME ALL OF THEM! ALL OF THEM! Yes, really. And not only can he do  that, but he can repeat back five words given to him, AND THEN DO IT AGAIN 10 MINUTES LATER!!! Yes, really. And there is more! When he repeated the words back the second time, his doctors were so astonished at his accomplishment, they told him ‘that was amazing, Sir’.   They were amazed because, ‘nobody gets it in order, it’s actually not that easy’.

But it is. It is not meant to to be hard. The purpose of these questions, known as the Montreal Cognitive Assessment Test, is to determine whether someone might be suffering from early Alzheimer’s or have had a stroke. But to hear Trump describe it, you would think that it is the test to become a Fellow of All Souls, Oxford, or the viva for a PhD. When interviewed last week by Fox News’ Chris Wallace (who, despite whom he works for, is actually a proper journalist), Trump bristled at the suggestion that the test was not actually ‘very hard’ and insisted that Wallace would not have done as well as he had, and would have been unable to answer the last five questions. These ask the subject to name the date, the year, the month,  the place and the city.  It would not be going out on a limb to suggest that Wallace, a Harvard graduate, probably would have found the correct replies – eventually. Trump is now demanding that his rival for the Presidency, Joe Biden, take the same test because, in his view, he (Biden) ‘does not know he’s alive’ and has ‘lost it’. Biden has yet to respond. Would he pass it? One hopes so.

Trump may be able to recognise a rhino, count backwards from 100, and  know that he is in Washington DC, but surely the role of President demands something more than being, as he described it, ‘cognitively there’?  Even if he is, which is a matter open to question. This is a man who talked about that well-known African country ‘Nambia’; who referred to rioting in ‘Mindianapolis’; who thought that Helsinki was in Russia; who called Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, ‘Tim Apple’; and who described how the soldiers fighting the War of Independence ‘manned the airports’. In 1776. This is a man who can barely read from a teleprompter, who refuses to read any brief longer than a couple of pages, if he reads it at all, which he often does not,  and who spends 8-10 hours a day watching Fox News or tweeting. Stephen Hawking, he is not. He is lazy, ignorant, and lacking in any intellectual curiosity.  He regularly puffs books on Twitter but it is wholly unlikely that he has ever read one, at least not all the way though. Even if it is about him.

America is being ravaged by COVID, racism and a struggling economy. The next President needs to have more about him than the ability to recognise wild animals. He needs to be more interested in running the country than in boasting about his intellectual acuity. And Donald Trump is not that man.

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Next week will bring you the legendary WTF Summer Stinker Poll. Despite a short timespan of people going out and about in 2020 before the plague confined us all indoors, WTF can guarantee you an absolutely ghastly selection.

This week’s retrospective of weird wear features sportsmen and sportswomen but excluding footballers, whom we have already featured a few weeks back. We start in December 2012 with Olympic silver medal-winning gymnast, Louis Smith, clad in Vivienne Westwood Man.

Louis is a good-looking man but this suit was a dud. The jacket was too short, the crotch was not so much dropped as collapsed, and the trewsies were too long. Plus his bow-tie was more crooked than the Soprano family. He looked like a member of the Nation of Islam.

In May 2014, Olympic gold medallist snowboarder Jamie Anderson went to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner wearing this. Do not adjust your eyeballs,

It is possible that there is a more unflattering dress somewhere out there in the world. Luckily, WTF has been blessed enough never to have seen it. It was unfinished around the tits  and it had a minge waterfall. The whole effect was of skin peeling after too long in the sunshine.

 In August 2014, Rory McIlroy showed off his US Masters trophy at Manchester United’s home ground, Old Trafford.

What the hell was that suit? To call it putrid is to be kind. Even legendary racing pundit and TV personality, the late John McCririck, would have thought that pattern was too over-the-top. And red socks? 

We are now in August 2016 with our Olympic British women’s cycling team, namely Katie Archibald, Joanna Rowsell-Shand, Elinor Barker and Laura Trott wearing their Stella McCartney-designed cycling gear. 

Why have they got codpieces???? Was Stella inspired by Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange?

In June 2017, boxer Chris Eubank went to Ascot. Scroll down slowly.,…

What nonsense was this? He looked like the love-child of Fred Astaire and a Victorian coachman, and he appeared to have stuffed the entire contents of his sock drawer into his very snug jeans.

September 2017 saw golfer Rickie Fowler at the Kentucky Derby looking very remarkable.

This might just have fallen into the category of novelty clothing, with the jacket decorated with little horsies, but the preponderance of vomit green, worn with a pink, blue, and white jacket, was like an explosion of sweeties in their wrappers.

October 2017 saw British tennis player Heather Watson at the premiere of the tennis movie Battle of the Sexes. She was almost wearing Amanda Wakeley.

How do I hate this? Let me count the ways….. strap marks, arse-cheeks, hideous shoes, and her designer label peeking out.

In March 2018, Olympic gold medallist skater Adam Rippon popped up at the Oscars wearing Moschino.

WTF likes Adam, who as an openly gay man refused to hob-nob with the obsequious, homophobic Vice President Mike Pence. But even that principled stand cannot make her forgive him for having gone out in public looking like the Gimp from Pulp Fiction.

We are now at the ESPYS, the American sports awards, in July 2018  with American footballer Jalen Mills.

A three piece suit without a shirt, not even of any kind, just looked ridiculous, especially when worn with matchy-matchy sneakers, a heavy gold chain, and what appeared to be a dead frog on his head. The colours were like an exotic bird.

The same event also gave us basketball player JaVale McGee wearing Gucci.

The suit was silly, like a floral meadow at night,  and his trousers were engaged  in a stand-up row with his sockless ankles. As for the bag, WTF wholly concurs with the tweet posted at the time from a JaVale fan observing, ‘I get that it’s Gucci or whatever but do you really gotta put that shit on your waist n all, u could’ve just left it in the car or some shit. That’s why they got Pockets for that stuff’. Seconded.

And another one from the ESPYS that year, Olympic gold medallist skier Lindsey Vonn (an ex of Tiger Woods), wearing Minge Maestro Michael Costello.


To be fair, this is a lot less mingy than Michael’s usual offerings, i.e. it is at least covered up. If a pair of shiny pantyhose went to a fancy dress party as Batman, this is what is what it would look like.

And finally, we are in April 2019 with former American footballers Vince Wilfork (left) and DeAngelo Williams.   

Vince is dressed  like a Keralan fisherman with a sense of humour, whilst De Angelo resembles an extra from Strictly Come Dancing.

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Sam, who felt compelled to send in a picture of these foul denim shorts, which were brought to HER attention by her friend Harriet.

As Sam observes, these are shorts with a zip over the arse crack. They are as ugly  as sin and they probably leave horrible marks on your bum. Sam is right. They’ve Got To Go

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, and please don’t forget your sizzling suggestions for It’s Got To Go and for the celebrity fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday for the WTF Summer Stinker Poll 2020. Be good, be careful and wash your hands. x

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

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WTF School Special


Hallo Readers,o

The useless, fact-free, science-denying pair of Boris Johnson and Donald Trump  are determined to force children back to school. Because if the children do not go back to school, many of their parents cannot go back to work. And if parents cannot go back to work, or continue to work from home, shops, cafes, restaurants and Pret A Manger will wither on the vine because no one will be in them. And if shops, cafes, restaurants and Pret A Manger wither on the vine because no one will be in them, the economy will fail. This is even more important for Trump because his election strategy is largely based on a booming economy with a double-side-helping of racism and idolatry for long-dead, slave-owning, traitors.

Sadly, not only do Johnson and Trump have absolutely no idea how to get kids safely back to school but their respective Cabinet Ministers for Education have no idea where to find their own bottom, not even when equipped with a pair of hands, a map and a mirror. In the UK, education has been delegated to Frank Spencer lookalikey and soundalikey, Gavin Williamson, a man for whom the word ‘gormless’ would be complimentary. Williamson bolted forth from obscurity in November 2017 when Theresa May made him Secretary of State for Defence. As Williamson was her Chief Whip, it was thought that he must have had the goods on her, whatever those goods may have been. Eighteen months later, in May 2019, he suffered the indignity of being sacked for leaking and then lying about the leaking, but was reinstated to a Cabinet post by Boris Johnson in July of that year and given the education brief. How children are supposed to go back into already-overcrowded classrooms and maintain a safe distance from each other and their teachers is unclear. At least it is unclear to Williamson, but we are to take it on trust that he has a plan. He is always about to unveil the plan, although like Trump’s evidence that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, and Billy Bunter’s postal order, we are still waiting. And we will go on waiting long past the time when these kids are having their own kids and grandkids because, to use that fine old Yorkshire expression (he hails from the county), he is a twonk.

But there is good news for Williamson. Compared to his American counterpart Betsy DeVos, he is Aristotle, Confucius, Euclid and Socrates rolled into one. DeVos is the daughter, sister and wife of billionaires and donated a lot of money to Trump’s election campaign, thereby securing her the job of looking after the States’ education, despite her intense dislike and suspicion of State education. It is like putting a vegan in charge of farming (oh, hang on – Jeremy Corbyn did just that). DeVos is also insistent that children must go back to school. When asked what her plan was, she was clear – children must go back to school. It was pointed out to her, repeatedly, this was not a plan, it was an order. DeVos was not deterred by such nonsense.  She had a plan. Her plan was that other people should come up with a plan.  Which, to be fair, is a plan. Just not a very good one.

These two – four, if you include their bosses – should not be in charge of a kindergarten tombola  let alone the education, health and wellbeing of millions of children. Of course children need education but they also need to stay healthy, and even if they themselves do not become ill, they can pass it onto others who could. But the economy trumps that minor consideration. For shame.

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WTF’s dad used to rant on (we’re all like that in our family) about untalented people infesting the television (this was in the days before social media) and how this was ‘the apotheosis of the untalented’. Thank Heaven he is not still alive to witness the Z-Listers who are famous for being famous, or, even worse, famous for being attached to someone famous. They are a shower, freeloading their way from party to party and premiere to premiere with all the other Z-Listers. Since none of them have anything to say, who knows what they talk about? Anyway, here is a glimpse at some of their worst fashion faux pas. We start in December 2012 with Nancy Dell’Olio attending the GQ Awards in London.

Ah, Nancy! A qualified lawyer in Italy, she sprang to public attention in 2001, when she came to the UK as the partner of hopeless, overpaid, Sven Goran Eriksson who was the new England football manager. Nancy was everywhere, flashing the flesh and displaying a particular penchant for cameltoe.  This hideous outfit displayed a great deal of tired-looking tit while her makeup made her look like an Egyptian shabti.

In March 2014, fashionista Daphne Guinness  was seen parading around New York in this extraordinary ensemble.

What is the purpose of wearing a fur gilet while simultaneously exposing your thighs to the elements in tiny shorts and suspenders over tights?  As for those ridiculous hooves, apart from constituting a serious health hazard, they are as ugly as anything WTF ever did see in her life. Black Beauty lives…..

In January 2015, TOWIE nonentities  Tommy Mallet (left) and Mario Falcone were out and about in London.

If you were to count their collective brain cells, you would not even need both hands. Mari0 could be described as dapper, but Tommy’s trousers were so snuggly that there was no need to ask which side he dresses. Yurgle. And this was also the beginning of the hideous no-sock trend on orange feet.

October 2014 saw ‘author’ (also model, celebritee and serial divorcée)  Katie Price at the launch of ‘her’  novel, ‘Make My Wish Come True’. Which she did not pretend to have written.

Katie’s chest has gone up and down more often that the US Stock Market in the wake of Covid19. At this point, it was up, in the sense that the dome of St Paul’s Cathedral is up. It was as if the Mitchell Brothers from EastEnders were hiding in her bodice,


In November 2015, we saw Charlotte Dawson parading around Manchester in this.

It is to be hoped that Charlotte’s hair was draped across her face out of a sense of shame, but this was not the likely explanation, given that Charlotte’s only raison d’être, other than being the daughter of comic Les Dawson, is to put horrified onlookers in fear of an imminent minge moment. This was a perfect example of genitalia curtains, creating the impression that she was having a pee.  And no, you are NOT getting a comparison picture. It’s breakfast time.

Here we are in May 2016 with former WAG Lizzie Cundy.

Lizzie used to be married to footballer Jason Cundy, who left her for an opera singer (no, truly). She is more ubiquitous than a maskless shopper in a London supermarket and WTF harbours serious doubts that Lizzie owns a knife and fork as she is always out and about, usually attired in outfits like this one and showing her all.  If a net curtain went to a fancy dress party as Lizzie Cundy, no one would blink an eyelid.

In January 2017, Lady Victoria Hervey  appeared at a BAFTAs party in Los Angeles. She is another one who gets everywhere.

Milady is the daughter of a previous Marquess of Bath, and er, that’s it. She is as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike. This outfit was, to say the least, unflattering to her gaunt figure, with more bones on show than in an ossuary, not to mention a lot of cameltoe.

In March 2017, the ‘star’ of Geordie Shore Marnie Simpson tottered around Newcastle in this.

Grimy Grandpa goes to Gateshead. Horrible.

We are now in January 2018, where we find TOWIE person Bobby Norris at the National Television Awards in London.

Bobby is best remembered for his foul cocksock, but we have all seen enough of that particular item, and he looks just as terrible in clothes. Here he is, the Grays geisha.

October 2018 saw another ghastly outing from ex-TOWIE nobody, Lauren Goodger.

She left the series. Her former fiancé is now  a TV presenter married to a talented and pretty actress, but true fame has eluded Lauren, whereupon she became ever more desperate, going under the knife again and again and choosing ever sheerer outfits. Like this. 

Finally, another one from Geordie Shore. In January 2019, Chloe Ferry went out in Newcastle dressed like this. That is her boyfriend Sam. 

This was not so much under-boob as thunder-boob, and of course we had the dreaded nip slip. This is what happens when you venture out with your top half wrapped only in a tiny fuchsia bandage.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado  Jan, locked down in Melbourne, Australia  (again), who sent in this absolutely revolting picture of how not to wear a mask.

WARNING – THIS IS DEEPLY, DEEPLY, HORRIBLE!!

AND HERE IS ANOTHER WARNING TO GO WITH THE FIRST WARNING!!!!!

Last week  WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh complained that It’s Got To Go had gone. Well, this week it is back, and Yvonne might wish that the clock had been rolled back to 10 July. That will teach her.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery.  And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND/OR DISTANCED IF YOU CAN, AND WASH YOUR HANDS  x

 

 

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WTF Blame Game Special

Hallo Readers,

Welcome to another edition of ‘No, I Didn’t Say That’, the popular political game where Boris Johnson says one thing in the morning, has it explained away in a wholly different light by his spokespersons at No 10 within the hour and then denies ever having said it at all before lunchtime the next day. This is a franchise of the American version ‘Trumpy Says Fake News’,  where the tangerine-faced moron who is President of the United States denies everything, even though it is on tape, and then blames all and any of MSM, George Soros, President Obama, Joe Biden, Antifa, Black Lives Matter, Liberals, Mexican caravans and anyone who isn’t white.  In our UK version, the lovable mop-haired Prime Minister is less aggressive than Mr Tangerine Man but just as mendacious, and the bigger the scandal,  the more mendacious he becomes. And there is no bigger scandal than the deaths of 20,000 elderly care home residents who died from Covid-19. Blind Pugh could have seen it coming. It was clear from the earliest stages that the most affected  the elderly and the medically vulnerable (in many cases, this was the same thing) and that the virus could be spread by close contact. It was obvious that residents of care homes, living and dining together, and being looked after by carers who go in and out of those homes into the virus-ridden community, would be at serous risk. But the Government ignored care homes for a long time; it did not publish the death figures for deaths in those homes until shamed into it; it did not provide enough PPE; and because it did not provide enough testing, it allowed people to go in and out of hospital and then back to care homes without testing them, thus spreading the virus into and within those homes. And nearly 20,000  (1 in 20 of those resident in care homes) have died. So far.

So what did our Glorious Leader do? He blamed the care homes and the carers, people, predominantly women, working for low wages and risking their lives to do so. Indeed, 257 of them have died. Many of them had no more than a crappy apron, a few pairs for gloves and maybe a low-quality mask, and 257 of them died, but Johnson said that it was their fault because ‘Too many care homes did not really follow the procedures in the way that they should have….’. Once the horror of this had sunk in, Downing Street explained that what he had meant was that there were different procedures at that time. That was greeted with outrage as well, given that the Nation may be beaten and bedraggled by the last few months, but it still has ears and can understand basic English. So it was even more outraged when Johnson stood up in the House of Commons and told Keir Starmer that he had never blamed the care workers at all. He professed that ‘the last thing I wanted to do is to blame them or for them to think that I was blaming them ….No one knew that the virus was passed asymptomatically in the way that it is that that is why the guidance and procedure changed’. Er….they did know that.  That, as Starmer pointed out, was known at the early stages of the pandemic. Everyone knows that this Government cocked it up, and cocked it up big. Johnson of course was not having it, because he loves and admires carers and he put up the Living Wage!  How dare Starmer blame this Government? Anyone would think that it had been in power for a decade. Oh, hang on…..

Incompetence is bad. Lying about it is worse. Pretending that the Government has done a good job is worse still. Like Mr Tangerine Man across the ocean, Johnson just cannot handle the truth. But we know what the truth is. 

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This week, our fashion retrospective features male singers various who have appalled us over the past 8 years with their foul fashion faux pas. We start our survey in December 2012 with Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. Yes, he is on stage, but with him, it really makes absolutely no difference. He probably wears this to go shopping.

If Janis Joplin went to a fancy dress party as a Native American Chief, this is what she would have looked like.

In August 2013  2Chainz (né Tauheed Epps) ventured forth in head to toe Versace.

No wonder his head is bent forward like that – look at the weight of those chains! It is a wonder that his head is not at floor level. As it is, he looks like a Versace-clad Mayoral Sir Dick Whittington, but without the cat. And Sir Dick would never have worn a baseball cap back to front, even had such a thing existed in the 14th century, which it didn’t.

Here we are in October 2013 with Pharrell Williams in a hotchpotch of nonsense.

WTF can only surmise that the fire alarm went off and Pharrell grabbed whatever he could in the pitch darkness and put in on as he ran downstairs to safety. Because why else would you go out looking like a pile of charity discards?

In June 2015, Will Young went to Glastonbury. 

Dear Lord! What on earth was he wearing? Was he going for the Edwardian bather in hobnail boots look? And if he was going for that look, why was he going for that look? Putrid.

In August 2016, Elton John and his husband David Furnish (the one behind him with a beard) went strolling around P0rto Cervo in Sardinia.

WTF has never been a fan of a shorts suit, which is a bit Empire Customs’ official, but at least (i) officials do not have a choice other than to wear it and (ii) theirs are in khaki or some other muted hue. Elton looked like the love child of a grasshopper and a leprechaun, the fit was deplorable and he is about 50 years too old to wear a shirt with matching trainers. As from the brooch, it was last seen on Her Majesty the Queen.

November 2016 introduced us to Cole Whittle from DNCE.

Make that DUNCE. Whatever he was wearing, he should not have been wearing it, a sort of wizard’s plumbing assistant in snow boots. WTF also remains mystified by the red thing across his neck….. is it a magic wand? If so, it was a pity he did not make himself disappear.

We are in February 2017 at the Grammys, where we feast our eyes on Ceelo Green.

To be fair to Ceelo, he was wearing a costume for his new alter ego, Gnarly Davidson.  But he still went out in public looking like a giant knob, and a gold one at that….

In November 2017 Machine Gun Kelly went to the AMAs.

There is painterly and there is a prattish. Jackson Pollock, eat your heart out…..

We have arrived at June 2018 where we find Harry Styles, formerly of One Direction, wearing Gucci.

Last week we had Gucci designer Alessandro Michele looking like a Laura Ashley wet dream, and now we have Harry epitomising that wet dream in Laura’s vintage thistle print. WTF hates the whole thing, from the absurd lapels to the nappy-style fit of the bell-bottom, too-long trouser. And is he brushing his teeth? 

Here we are at the Attitude Awards in London in October 2018 and this is Sam Smith.

No one should ever wear lace trousers, whether in bottle green or any other shade whatsoever, not even at all, and certainly not with a matching bed jacket, like a lactating new mother, paired with black brogues. Absolutely frightful. WTF is as horrified at this as when she first saw it nearly two years ago….

In December 2018, Kanye West, the next President of the United States, attended 2Chainz’s wedding accompanied by his wife, future FLOTUS Kim Kardashian. Kanye was wearing Louis Vuitton but the real horrors are on his feet and ankles, namely slides from his own Yeezy collection ($150) and socks.

WTF does not approve of suits without a shirt or t-shirt, and while the colour was nice, the cut was not. But the slides, which do not even fit, were an outrage.

Apparently, Kanye was following the Japanese way. We know this because he told us so.  ‘Your heal (sic) should extend 1-2 cm off the back of the wooden sole’.  Or maybe you should just choose bigger slides. And then keep them in the wardrobe when attending someone else’s wedding. In the unlikely event that Kanye does become the 46th President, he will at least have something in common with the 45th – neither of them can spell.

We conclude in November 2019 at the AMAs with Lil’ Nas X.

This outfit was the spawn of a frog and a tiger. With most unfortunate results. And those shoes were the absolute pits. And the gloves. And the earring……..

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. No room for It’s Got To Go this week. Keep sending in your comments, which put a spring into WTF’s wearied step, and please don’t forget your scintillating suggestions for It’s Got To Go  and your nominations for the fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, BE CAREFUL OUT THERE AND KEEP WASHING YOUR HANDS!. x

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WTF Mask Special

Hallo Readers,

‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Oh, and the right to infect other people with COVID19’.

The Founding Fathers provided for irresponsible spreading of germs. And made sure that right was documented.In the UK we have no written constitution, but we do have the European Convention of Human Rights (to which we are still a signatory, despite the belief of certain Brexiteers). That guarantees us the rights to freedom of speech, expression and religious belief.  And that, it seems, gives boneheads the right to spread contagion in the name of liberty. And, it appears, the Almighty. In the US, there have been extraordinary scenes where Libertarians various (i.e. morons) have protested their unalienable right not to wear a mask on the grounds that ‘it kills people’ and that it interferes ‘with God’s wonderful breathing system’. Doctors might tell you that COVID19 is bad for God’s wonderful breathing system, in that it stops you breathing. But the anti-maskers are adamant. WTF is unaware of the passage in the Bible which forbids wearing a mask, but what does she know? She can’t find the bit about shooting kiddies at random either, but it seems that God is big on that one too.

Donald Trump, of course, does not like wearing a mask. He considers it unpresidential, unlike, for example, having a face the colour of a satsuma or retweeting pensioners shouting ‘White Power’ or accusing cable news network hosts of murder. He considers that it shows weakness, this from a #bunkerboy cowering in the White House basement and then tear-gassing peaceful protesters in order to clear the way for a stroll to a church he doesn’t worship at and holding a Bible he doesn’t read. And so his idiot supporters also scorn wearing one. They convene at his rallies and firework displays without one, only to go down like ninepins a few days later. ‘Dulce e decorum est pro Trumpium mori…..’

Over here, people are equally as dumb. Last week, hundreds of thousands of people crowded onto the Beach at Bournemouth, the Boca Raton of the South,  spreading out their towels and their sausage roll picnics inches from the next set of sun-worshippers. Public toilets were not open and so they peed and shat anywhere and everywhere like incontinent puppies. There was not a mask in sight, not even to use as loo paper. One chap, half-man, half-lobster, and clearly the Emeritus Professor of Epidemiology at Trump University (in liquidation), was interviewed on the telly. ‘Well’, quoth he, ‘I suppose there will be a second wave after this, innit? I mean, I dunno really, I don’t know no one what’s had it”.  Yup. Professor Brainstorm does not know any of those 517,000 people who have died of the virus across the world, so it isn’t really a thing, right? And this weekend, pubs and restaurants, hairdressers and cinemas will be opening for business and there is no law requiring anyone to wear a mask. What could possibly go wrong?

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In Luke 24 it is recounted how Jesus said unto whomsoever it was He said it unto, “Ye will surely say unto me this proverb, Physician, heal thyself: whatsoever we have heard done in Capernaum, do also here in thy country”. Following His guidance, WTF has an occasional series called ‘Physician, heal thyself’  featuring fashion designers looking like a sack of shit in their own stuff.  So let us consider them over the past eight years, starting in August 2012 with Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld in Cannes.

Karl was always creepy, bless him, but this is really creepy, like the love child of Nosferatu and the Swedish chef from The Muppets. And those trousers were so snug that the zip had gone for a walk and ended up several inches away from where it should have been.

In November 2012 Stella McCartney attended (and won a prize at) the British Fashion Awards.

Stella looked like a cross between one of the Seven Dwarves and a rhinestone scuba diver who has farted in her wetsuit.

In October 2013, Nadine Merabi was seen at a charity ball organised by Manchester United in this creation, as a result of which she was a the runaway winner of the 2013 WTF Summer Stinker award. Easy now…..  THIS IS BAD!!!

MAJOR MINGE MOMENT ALERT!!  Readers will be unsurprised to learn that Nadine’s clientele consists of soap stars, WAGS and celebritees various, all anxious to flash the flesh in bits of mesh with embroidery providing faux pubes over your newly waxed lady parts. The colour of the embroidery brings to mind Stormy Daniels’ memorable description of Donald Trump’s ‘yeti pubes’, and that seam is downright ugly.

 

 

Here we are in August 2014 at the Video Music Awards, where we encounter persistent offender Jeremy Scott, Creative Designer of Moschino. 

Well this was colourful. Mind you, so is vomit. If a rubber duck went to a fancy dress party as a ringmaster, this is what it would look like.

 

In November 2015 Alessandro Michele,  Creative Designer of Gucci, popped up at the British Fashion Awards in this ridiculous suit,

He wore a ribbon tie like John Wayne visiting a Western saloon, and the suit HAD MATCHING SHOES!!!!! The whole thing was a Laura Ashley wet dream.

In December 2015, we came across Ralph Lauren with his wife, photographer and author Ricky Lauren. 

Which one of them forgot to pack their trousers? Did they have a fight about which of them was going to wear the only available pair? Did Ralph give up the bottom half of his suit to his wife, like Sir Walter Raleigh laying down his cloak for Queen Elizabeth?

In December 2017, the British Fashion Awards welcomed young Brit designer Matty Dovan.

Matty thought it would be a really good idea to pitch up dressed as a rag-doll version of Madame Butterfly. Why he thought it, WTF cannot say. 

In February 2019, Tommy Hilfiger and his wife Dee Ocleppo (who is also a designer) turned up at the Grammys. 

It was Tommy who dressed his Worldwide Clothing Ambassador Lewis Hamilton in that very silly kilt causing WTF aficionado and patriotic Scot Martyn to spit out his porridge. This suit is even worse, as there is a lot more tartan. Tommy looks like a one-man version of the Tartan Army.

In December 2019 Donatella Versace came to the British Fashion Awards

The dress would have been lovely on someone with a 32AA cup  and the colour was gorgeous. But there was a distressing amount of spilth around the tit department, like raspberry soufflés tumbling out of their ramekins.

We conclude in February 2020 and Richard Malone at the BAFTAs held at the Royal Albert Hall in London.

You what? Really? Was he going bullfighting? Frankly, the combination of the elephant-vagina crotch, the too-short trousers and those frightful platform boots left one rooting for the bull.

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF who continues to be outraged by Propaganda Barbie aka Kayleigh McEnany, the White House Press Secretary. The so-called Christian has continued to lie her head off to comical effect. This week she assured an aghast Press Corps that Trump was ‘the best informed person on Planet Earth when it comes to the threats we face’. Yeah and WTF is the tooth fairy…..

However, what chiefly caused Kayleigh’s return to this section was her hair parting. What is going on in that parting? Admittedly all of us have hair a lot less good that it was pre-COVID lockdown, but few of us look like something has d(r)ied on our head. WTF chooses not to speculate what it was in there, but whatever it was, It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery.  And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND/OR DISTANCED IF YOU CAN, AND WASH YOUR HANDS  x

 

 

 

 

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WTF Whoops, Sorry Special

Hallo Readers,

In series 2 of the original Spitting Image, the Almighty appeared and sang Whoops, Sorry, I Cocked It Up Again’,  including the line ‘Why Did I let Timmy Mallet get to Number 1′?. Frankly, the Tory Party should ditch ‘Land Of Hope and Glory’ and adopt the Spitting Image song, because the cock ups keep coming. We’ve had Dominic Cummings on a sixty mile drive to test his eyesight, the total mishandling of the Covid-19 crisis, and now smarmy Robert Jenrick caught with his Ministerial trousers down. Jenrick overruled a local authority to grant planning permission to Billionaire Richard Desmond, and did so in time for Desmond to avoid an additional £40m in local taxes. Desmond and Jenrick had met at a Tory fundraising dinner, swapped mobile numbers like lovestruck teenagers, and then kept in touch with the rebarbative Desmond stating that he did not wish ‘to give his doe (sic) to Marxists’, a reference to Tower Hamlets Borough Council,  the poorest and most deprived council in Europe. Jenrick has since acknowledged that his intervention was unlawful for its appearance of bias and planning permission has been set aside, to be decided by someone else. And it now appears that Johnson was at the same dinner and had also played metaphorical footsie with Desmond.  But Johnson, as he did with Cummings, has declared that there is nothing to see here and that the matter is closed. 

Donald Trump once famously declared that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and Republicans would still vote for him. Similarly, one is bound to ask what on earth do you have to do in this Government to get the sack? Lying is clearly not a problem, nor could it be with Johnson at its helm. Breaking lockdown is not a problem. Running the department that grants planning permission to someone you chatted to over noisettes d’agneau à la Thatcher and apricot clafoutis gets you Prime Ministerial support. WTF is worried that Ministers will have to up their game to get the push and will start staging armed robberies of Bond Street jewellers or torturing cats. 

In contrast, Labour Leader Keir Starmer sacked his former rival for the post, Rebecca Long-Bailey, from her Shadow Education brief after she tweeted an interview in The Independent with actress Maxine Peake, who had suggested à propos of George Floyd, that the US Police had taken seminars in chokeholds from the Israeli Defence Forces. This was bollocks and Peake has since admitted she was wrong. Starmer took the view that antisemitic conspiracy theories should not be endorsed, even indirectly, by a member of his Shadow Front Bench, and anyway it gave him a chance to give her the heave-ho, which he seized with alacrity. WTF has not spared her criticism of the Labour Party’s mishandling of antisemitism, but wonders whether this could not have been better handled, with more negotiation and less virtue signalling. Long-Bailey was tone-deaf, given Starmer’s determination to rebuild relations with the Jewish community, and  she should have disavowed Peake’s statement on the IDF whilst endorsing her pro-Labour comments, but surely he should have sat down with her first? So the week ends with one prominent politician still in situ and another in shittu. Funny old game, politics……..

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Just for a change, today we turn our back on celebrity fashion and concentrate on the very best, or should that be worst, of the feature we began in 2014 called It’s Got To Go.  Loyal readers send in things that are getting on their nerves. This can be a politician, or some poncy food matter like the absurd tendency to serve food on things other than plates, or dodgy clothing items, and sometimes they come with photos. Read on. And be prepared to be shocked. As in needing a defibrillator shocked……

In June 2014, WTF aficionado David complained about Thom Browne’s new line of suits, as modelled here by the designer himself, composed of ridiculous shorts worn with shrunken jackets and brogues without socks. Kill me now.

He looks ridiculous. The jacket is inspired by the ones worn by late comic Norman Wisdom, a man much revered in Albania where they have a statue of him. And Thom’s tie is more askew than Donald Trump’s polling figures.

In December 2014, WTF aficionado Michael from Sydney discovered this. WTF wishes that he had never done so. But he did. DEEP BREATH, NOW. IT’S ONLY A TROMPE L’OEIL.  Meet the Colombian Ladies Cycling Team.

There is only one question. WHY? Frankly, the answer provided by the designer, Angie Tatiana Rojos, does not quite cut it. ‘The patch of fabric covering the rider’s crotch and midriff is gold, not nude as the photo made it appear. It’s sad that it takes something like this for cycling, and women’s cycling in particular, to get this much press’. Yeah right. Give women faux-midriffs and a faux minge and then express surprise when people express surprise. Who knew that would happen?

In January 2015, WTF aficionados David, Jan and Trisha were all shocked, and with good reason, by designer Rick Owens sending male models down the runway with a bad case of penis peek. WARNING!!!!!! MALE GENITALIA ON PARADE!!  SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE…….

Acording to Rick, ‘I thought it was the most simple, primal gesture—and you know I love a simply tiny, little gesture that packs the wallop’. Codswallop more like..…. No one wants to see a penis peephole. Yurgle.

In September 2015 WTF aficionado @GazaBoatConvoy shifted her attention from matters Palestinian to this disgusting backpack, known as the Scrote Tote.

Citizens have the right to go about their lawful business without being confronted with a giant scrotum, not to mention one much nearer to eye level than would normally be the case where two people are both standing up. As WTF aficionado Cath remarked, ‘Imagine being stuck in a tube carriage at rush hour with that inches from your face’. Indeed.

The following week, the Scrote Tote was challenged for awfulness by the late, lamented WTF aficionado Andrew Purnell, who sadly died last year. He produced these plastic bull testicles.

They are hung from the trailer hitch of your pick-up truck in Texas. You can buy them in a wide choice of colours, from realistic tans and browns through to pastels and winding up at bright fluorescent primary colours that glow in the dark. Just say no.

In March 2016 WTF aficionado Leslie brought this item to our appalled gaze – the cantaloupe panties.

This could possibly be one the worst things ever in the history of ever.  Made worse by the fact that the model’s bikini wax makes her look like a plucked chicken with freezer burn,

In May 2017, WTF aficionado Sarah complained about this ludicrous Chanel boomerang,

Indigenous Australians were unhappy at what they saw as cultural appropriation, not to mention a blatant ripoff. Chanel grovelled and issued a statement claiming that it ‘is extremely committed to respecting all cultures, and regrets that some may have felt offended’. Don’t you just hate it when someone ‘apologises’  without apologising? Chanel was not sufficiently sorry to withdraw this nonsense from sale. Not while there were people with more money than sense willing to pay £1,040 for it.

In June 2017, WTF aficionado Sally took extreme umbrage at these revolting Martin Margiela Tabi boots.

As Orwell put in at the end of Animal Farm, ‘The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.’ Sadly, these horrors are still hanging around on both men and women, most recently on actor Cody Fern at the Critics’ Choice Awards in 2019.

In August 2018, the wondrous Andrew Purnell again highlighted something totally disgusting – wait for it – Czech beer by ‘The Order of Yoni’.  made with ‘vaginal bacteria’.  Yes really.

The blurb for this devil’s brew reads: ‘A golden drink brewed with her lure and grace and flavored with wild instincts. Imagine a beer which every sip offers a rendez-vous with this hot woman of your dreams… she hugs you and kisses you gently, looking straight into your eyes… How much would you give for such a beer?.. ‘(Answer – zero. But I digress). ‘The beer containing quintessence of femininity….The secret of the beer lies in her vagina. Using hi-tech of microbiology, we isolate, examine and prepare lactic acid bacteria from vagina of a unique woman. The bacteria, lactobacillus, transfer woman’s features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers and other products, turning them into dance with lovely goddess.’ WTF is not sure how to put this politely, but if you want something tasting of vagina, there are other ways of getting it. Just saying……

It is a relief to get to September 2018, when WTF aficionado Rebecca drew our attention to this horrible jeans jacket, sold by US department stores Nordstrom for £370. 

£370 is an awful lot of money to look as if you have rolled about in a pigsty. Were you to buy a denim jacket from Uniqlo and a train ticket to the countryside, you could find a farm, roll around in the pigsty yourself, and still have enough left over to get a decent wardrobe.

In April 2020, WTF aficionado Yvonne brought this Trump sandwich to light.

That pile of ham would make a better President than the idiot Trump and the mouth is giving WTF nightmares. As is this steak, which Yvonne noticed last week on Twitter as featured by Peter A Macdonald. Wait for it…….

As Yvonne remarked, if this does’t turn you vegan, nothing will.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery.  And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the celebrity fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND/OR DISTANCED IF YOU CAN, AND WASH YOUR HANDS  x

 

 

 

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