WTF Pink Elephant Special

Hallo Readers,

It is almost Christmas and so WTF thought she would end the year with a fairytale for you. Next week will bring you the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey 2018, and then there will be a break until 11 January 2019 while WTF suns herself on the other side of the world and drinks a lot of Riesling and Pinot Noir.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

Once upon a time, a girl called Theresa lived in a big, tall house in the middle of a city. Theresa was the city’s leader and was obliged to do the people’s bidding. And the people had asked for two pink flying elephants circling above the main square singing ‘Happy’. Now Theresa knew that this request was impossible, but she was a dutiful girl and she tried her hardest to make this happen. She travelled to the Land of the Elephants and had many meeting with Herr Tusk, the Chief Elephant Master, but, as she knew she would, she failed. And so she was obliged to return to the city and tell the people that there were no pink flying elephants, not even of any kind, but that she was holding an option on two grey elephants, who could neither fly nor sing. All they could do was to walk round and round making loud trumpeting sounds and blowing watery snot at onlookers. Oh – and there was a lengthy minimum hire period for the elephants, and a possibility that the lease could go on for years.

The people were furious. The ones who had wanted pink, flying, elephants singing ‘Happy’ refused to accept grey, perambulating, elephants who could not sing and who blew watery snot at them. Those who had always thought that it was cruel to put elephants on show at all were also scornful. Everyone demanded that Theresa return to Herr Tusk to get a better deal, and, if she couldn’t, then she should step down and let the evil pygmies, Mophead and Moggy, carry out the negotiations instead. Mophead and Moggy had promised the people that they would get tough with Herr Tusk and would demand pink, flying, elephants that not only sang ‘Happy’ but also ‘Three Lions on the Shirt’. And if Herr Tusk still failed to oblige, they would buy elephants from somewhere else, spray them pink and fly them around the square on wires, and to hell with the health and safety regulations, which were probably imposed by Herr Tusk in the first place.

The people were not given a vote on whether to go with Theresa or with Mophead and Moggy. Instead, the burghers of the city  had a secret vote and chose Theresa, sending Mophead and Moggy and their pygmy followers scampering back into the shadows. Theresa had won! She was so happy. Except that she now had to go back to Herr Tusk and ask him for pastel-coloured, flying, elephants that sang  ‘Happy’  or at least ask whether she could take the grey, non-singing, elephants on approval. But Herr Tusk held firm. It was the grey, non-singing, elephants on a long lease or nothing at all.

And the thing is, boys and girls, there was no magic wand to turn grey into pink, or perambulating into flying, or watery snot-blowing into singing. There would be no happy ending for Theresa, Mophead, Moggy, the pygmies, or the people. Because there is no such thing as a pink, flying, elephant. An elephant cannot sing Happy. And the moral of the story is not to ask for things you cannot get………

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flatulence at the British Fashion Awards in London and singer Olly Murs, wearing River Island Man.

WTF went off wearing brown after the 1970’s, when she had a very fetching brown Afghan coat with orange embroidery, and a pair of brown platform boots which could only be closed by lying on the bed with one’s leg up at a right angle and a metal coat hook pulling at the zip. Olly’s brown suit makes him look like a draylon teddy bear with black facings and slip-on sneakers.

Next up, we have model and actress Suki Waterhouse, wearing Mulberry.

One can only conclude that Suki spilt something on her skirt or trousers. There is short. And there is a scalloped snatch-sighting. And this is in danger of becoming the latter any moment.

This is model Doutzen Kroes, wearing David Koma.

If a woman with bad liver spots went hula hooping, this is what she would look like.

Finally from this event, we have actress Kristen Scott-Thomas, wearing Valentino.

There is enough fabric here for a small marquee and she appears to have lost an arm in some dreadful accident.

We now move to Los Angeles and the premiere of the movie Aquaman, starring actress Amber Heard, who is becoming something of a fixture in this blog, wearing Minge Maestro, Julien Macdonald.

If there is a body part to be flashed, Julien is your man and this is very typical of his oeuvre. He has dressed Amber as a scaly sea-creature with a minge panel and no feet.

Next we go to an event for designers Herring & Herring, where we encounter actress Olivia Munn,wearing Yanina Couture.

Olivia is wearing a sheer dress patterned with little Regency-period ladies and gentlemen, including one gentleman who appears to be hovering unnervingly close to her lady parts. One should not be expected to put up with scenes of gross indecency on someone’s skirt. WTF has spoken.

This is actress and singer Tessa Thompson wearing Marc Jacobs.

Tessa’s outfit is the lovechild of Aladdin and one of the Duchess of Cornwall’s wedding hats, and she also has a turd on her head.

We haven’t seen actor Jared Leto for a while, but we always knew that he would return – and he has.

Jared is giving us a mashup of Game of Thrones and American Pie, and it is to be deplored.

We are now in London at the Capital FM Jungle bell Ball where we meet singer Marina Diamandis, wearing who can even say what this is?

Wearing a croptop shorts suit decorated with scrunched-up doilies over a pair of net curtains fashioned into trousers is a new one to WTF, and it is an experience that she could happily have lived without, and hopes fervently to be able to do so in the future.

Also there was singer Ellie Goulding, wearing something extremely bad.

WTF is sorry to see Ellie in white incontinence pants and matching bralet over a white shroud, which is not so much ethereal as excruciating.

And last, bringing up the rear, literally, at the Women in Music festival, we have singer Janelle Monáe wearing a deeply preposterous ensemble by Gareth Pugh.

Cowboys wear chaps, yes, but over jeans. They do not have their crotches on display, and with good reason, because when the wind comes whistling through Wyoming, you do not want your nether regions exposed to the elements. These are pinstriped nappy-chaps, and they are manifestly not up to the job. 

The problem with pinstriped nappy-chaps is they do not cover your arse. It might do for Brokeback Mountain but they are ill-advised for ordinary wear. And the length of the trousers is a health hazard.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. We had a bumper fashion fiasco section this week and so It’s Got To Go became It’s Had To Go. But keep sending in your comments and your splendid suggestions for future editions of It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

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Posted in Barack Obama, Boris Johnson, Brexit, British Fashion Awards 2018, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Labour Party, Texas, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

WTF Revelations Special

Hallo Readers,

This week brought a number of revelations, all of them surprising. Revelation number one. The German word for ‘shitstorm’ is ‘shitstorm’. It appears that our main contribution to the EU will be the word ‘shitstorm’. What a legacy. As Christina Rossetti almost said,

Remember me when I am gone away 

Gone far away into the silent land

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay….

Yet if You should forget me for a while, and afterwards remember….

Remember I gave you the word shitstorm.

Not of course that we are going very far away, should May’s deal go through. Revelation number two – her proposal has us stuck temporarily in the EU, part in, part out, without a say in anything but still paying through the nose for the privilege of Great Britain staying in the customs union and Northern Ireland remaining in the single market, with the border floating about somewhere in the ether, until we can negotiate a better deal and finally leave. Except that we now know that the Attorney General advised the Government that we may never be able to leave because the Transition Agreement may not allow it, even were the negotiations to fail – or never start at all. We will be in limbo, flailing about like a character in a Greek myth, trapped forever by our own hubris. Which brings us to revelation number three. A Government can be held in Contempt of Parliament. It happened this week after May refused to hand over the aforesaid legal advice in full because she said it was privileged (despite having waived the privilege by talking about it). And no wonder she did not want us to see it, as  it showed that her plan was more stark-bollock-naked than the Emperor in Hans Christian Anderson’s fairy tale. Revelation number four. When the deal is rejected in Parliament next Tuesday, as it will be, the idea of a second referendum, once reviled as the stupidest idea since David Cameron promised us a referendum to shut up the UKIP-inclined contingent in the Tory party, may not be as unlikely as everyone once thought because the alternative is even worse, to leave without a deal and be out of everything with no guarantee of anything and the likely dissolution of the Union to boot. Oh and revelation number five, hot off the press. There will be no Brexit Deal showdown between May and Corbyn on ITV or BBC as no one can agree on its timing or format. WTF’s idea to merge the debate with the final of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here came to nothing, Like everything else about this debacle.

There are times when WTF wonders whether May has been playing a blinder, making Brexit so hopeless that everyone would say ‘oh to hell to it, let’s stay in after all’.  She probably hasn’t. But it would be lovely to think that she has been a leopard-skin-shod Trojan horse all along, making fools out of Johnson and Gove and Davies and Fox and little Moggy. Not that they needed any help….

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We start our review of the week’s clothing crapulousness with actress Mandy Moore at the Hollywood Reporter Power 100 Women in Entertainment party, wearing Gabriela Hurst.

Readers, over the years you and I have become used to a tit window, but this is an appalling new phenomenon, a tit window with curtains. and not just that, but a hearse tit window with half curtains. 

This is rapper ASAP Rocky wearing Dior Homme.

Rocky, the new face of Dior Man, is trying his best to look good in a lacy see-through shirt, silver foil trewsies and overpriced trainers. But it is a task beyond anyone, even a cool dude like him.

To the British Independent Film Awards in London where we encounter the new Dr Who, actress Jodie Whittaker, wearing Aphid London and Louboutin bootees.

If a time machine could whisk Jodie back to the moment before she put on this frillfest and hideous booties like a Regency doxy, WTF would bet a penny to a pinch of shit that she would hop right on board. 

Actor Christopher Meloni at the Netfliux premiere of Roma, wearing a load of old tat.

Christopher used to play mean, moody and manly Detective Eliot Stabler, partnering the lovely, touchy-feely, Detective Olivia Benson on Law & Order – Special Victims’ Unit. Then he stomped out in a huff because of a dispute over money and since then he has been largely anonymous, occasionally pitching up wearing shocking outfits like this one. No one should wear a back-to-front baseball cap, and particularly not a man in his late 50s, because it makes everyone look like a prat.

To Melbourne where we meet the designer duo behind the Australian label Romance Was Born, Luke Sales and Anna Plunkett.

He looks like Luciano Pavarotti singing Rudolfo in La Bohème. Anna resembles the Australian galah bird in fuchsia bootees.

And now a couple of total shockers from the Versace Front Row in New York. First actress Tracee Ellis Ross.

The dress is a gorgeous colour but the tits are more adrift than a couple of castaways and for reasons which are far from clear, she has curtain ties hanging from the hem and ears. Yurgle.

And here we have actor Norman Reedus and his beloved, actress Diane Kruger.

Diane used to go out with lovely Joshua Jackson, but then switched her attention to Norman, who looks like a cut price Sean Bean with bad hair. He is in the sort of a foul checked suit worn by a bookie’s runner. WTF does not even know what Diane is supposed to be wearing but, like Tracee, it is not doing the job in the tits department, or indeed, in any department, not even at all.

Finally, brace yourselves, because here is über-ghastly health guru Gillian McKeith. One hopes that she is not making another bid for the coveted WTF Christmas Turkey this year because it is going to be an all-male affair…..

Gillian sprang to fame on TV examining people’s poo. Now she has taken to wearing it. 

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Sue from London, who has taken against Melania Trump’s Christmas decorations for the White House featuring these blood-red trees.

There is festive, there is folly and there is Hammer House of Horror. This is not so much Christmas as Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue. The present incumbents of number 1600 are quite frightening enough with adding this bloodbath into the mix. One expects Freddy Kruger to pop out from behind the foliage at any minute. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not neglect to send your splendid comments and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, David Cameron, David Davis, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Nigel Farage, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Rake Special

Hallo Readers,

It is a misapprehension amongst people of very small brain that because it is very cold in certain places at the moment, there is no such thing as climate change. Step forward Donald J. Trump, who noted that the US East Coast was experiencing the coldest Thanksgiving since, like, forever. (Donald himself was at his luxury golf resort in sunny Florida on the taxpayers’ dime, revelling in his preferred decor of gilded splendour like Louis XIV’s biggest and best wet dream. When asked what he was most grateful for this thanksgiving, he replied – for himself). ‘Whatever happened to global warming?’ he crowed. To which most people replied, ‘Whatever happened to the time when the US President had either a brain or advisers with a brain – or both?’ Trump gave us more insight into his unique blend of ignorance and fantasy when he visited the site of the devastating Camp Fire in Northern California, which has killed 86 people with hundreds more missing.  (The Kardashians apparently hired their own fire service to protect their home. Most people might find that a little expensive). According to Trump, the fires had nothing to do with the drought that has afflicted the state, leaving everything so dry that the place was a natural hazard. No, it was because the forests were not properly maintained (side note – the forests in California fall under Federal management. i.e. him. And he’s cut the budget). He had been speaking to the President of Finland the previous week, who had told him that Finland had no problem with fires because they “raked the forest floors”. Never mind that there is a slight difference between the climate of Finland and California. The former is in the Arctic Circle, where winter temperatures can fall to minus 30C and where summer temperatures rarely rise about 18C. Never mind that the President of Finland denies ever telling Trump this. Never mind that the current drought is the worst in 1200 years. Just get out your rake. Rake America Great Again. 

Global warming is only one aspect of climate change, but the Trumps, the Nigel Lawsons, the climate change deniers, seize upon every cold spell to assert that the whole thing is a left wing conspiracy designed to destroy capitalism (you can bet they see George Soros as its architect). And that is why they don’t want to believe it, why they studiously ignore the opinion of every reputable scientist, the fact that the Polar Icecap is melting, the succession of hurricanes and cyclones that have lashed the Caribbean and Southern states of America. Because it interferes with the God of Free Trade. Because it means introducing steps which cost money and cut profits, which also alienate the big businesses that give you money. It means aligning yourself with perceived liberals and how can you admit that a liberal is right about anything? So instead you deny, you mock and you talk bollocks about raking and chilly blasts whilst we face dangers far more lethal that the perceived threats from immigrants and Kim Jong Un…… 

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We start our review of the week’s fashion follies with actress Gretchen Mol wearing Batsheva.

Gretchen is really pretty but here she just looks shiny and weird, like a cross between Alice in Wonderland and the bride of Chucky.

Next up, we meet American entertainer Billy Porter wearing Rinat Brodach.

 

 

Look, WTF likes a laugh as much as the next person but this is just ridiculous. The hat is good, but not the matchy-matchy maternity top and the gossamer pink coat, as slippery as a used condom.

 To the Latin Grammys in California and singer Rosalia wearing YolanCris.

The Sugar Plum Fairy goes clubbing….

Also present at the Awards was singer Pedro Capó  wearing a most remarkable suit.

Pedro’s work is unknown to WTF but that is one hell of a suit, in essence a backgammon board with too short trousers worn with brogues and no socks – which, as regular Readers will know, WTF hates almost above all things.

To Shanghai and actress Amber Heard at some event or other, wearing Celine.

That is not so much as a tit window as a tit atrium. And WTF does not even want to think about what happens when she sits down……

Meet actor Marcus Scribner at the 100th episode party of Black-ish, wearing who can even say what?

Apparently this was worn as a homage to Prince, run up by Marcus’ mum from a pair of old curtains. Didn’t poor Prince suffer enough without having this heinous horror perpetrated in his name?

And here is actor Laurence Fisburne at the same event, wearing something scandalously bad.

Laurence was mesmerisingly sexy in his prime, but he seems to have let himself go. I mean, what is going on here? The trousers are out of some Sharjah souk and are paired, quite inexplicably, with a tallit (the Jewish prayer shawl). Is Laurence trying to bridge the gap between Judaism and Islam? Or was WTF aficionado Philippa Charles right when she asked “are those trousers on L Fishburne or did he have to do some crafty work with a tablecloth after an unfortunate spillage/splittage???

To the Soul Train awards in Santa Monica and singer Justine Skye.


For the busy working woman. this is the perfect compromise – a couture pantsuit with built in dusters so that you just brush up against things and get your housework done as you walk. Genius!

Finally, fashionista and singer Erykah Badu wearing Rick Owens.

No, you are not seeing things. The coat is constructed from scaffolding nicked from a building site and WTF confesses to confusion about what is occurring around the nether regions where the shiny black corset, like a cockroach’s carapace, ends in a minge triangle. And then there seem to be boots and random drapes and all sorts. Meanwhile the face jewellery is the lovechild of an old fashioned telephone headset and a ball gag as seen on Marcellus in Pulp Fiction.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF who has had enough of Cheryl‘s attempts to convince us that she can sing. Because she can’t. Not even at all. This week, she popped up on X Factor, the show on which she used to be a judge, yowling like a scalded cat, licking her hand, and generally making a show of herself, causing viewers to hide behind their own sofas with their hands over their ears.

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Cheryl gave an interview in The Guardian (why??????) and said that should her latest comeback be met with negativity, she would walk away. Cheryl, those boots are made for walking. You’ve Got to Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It has been a bit of a shit-show this week, but bear with me, normal service will be resumed next Friday. In the meantime, send in your comments and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Climate Change, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Kim Jong Un, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

WTF ANNOUNCES THE LATE ARRIVAL OF FRIDAY’S BLOG

Instead, it will arrive on Saturday morning. Many, many apologies.

 

Here’s a picture of actor Laurence Fishburne looking utterly absurd to tide you over .

 

Sorry!!!!!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

WTF Bucket Special

Hallo Readers,

WTF’s father had a variety of wonderful expressions, but the best was when WTF’s mother asked him if he wanted to go to dinner at some friends of theirs, although WTF père took a decidedly poor view of these people and particularly of the wife, who had airs above her station and was also the world’s most terrible cook. He looked at WTF mère and asked coldly ‘Why would a man voluntarily dip his head in a bucket of shit?’ And that, Readers, is Brexit. It is a bucket of shit. And yet it is now Mrs May’s headwear of choice.

May has negotiated to a draft deal to get out of the EU, except we are not really getting out at all. We will stay in the Customs Union until December 2020 as a transitional step and during that time, and perhaps for many years thereafter, we will have to aide by the rules. We will still be subject to the rulings of the European Court. There will still be freedom of movement, and we will still have to pay for our joint commitments, about £50 bn. It is a bit like Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. On 29 March 2019, we are checking out of the EU. After that, we cannot use the swimming pool with its big fluffy towels, the germans will grab the sun beds and there will be no free breakfast in the executive lounge. But our credit card will still go on being charged. 

Brexiteers are furious. We are out but not out and without a say in anything. There has been much preening and pouting. Two Cabinet Ministers accepted the proposal on Wednesday but flounced out on Thursday. Six junior Ministers, people of whom WTF had never heard and would not recognise were they sitting at her table taking tea, also resigned. Top Tory tosser Jacob Rees-Mogg MP submitted a letter of no confidence in his Leader and doubtless many others will follow suit. Tories are openly at war, as exemplified by splendid Victorian relic Sir Nicholas Soames MP, Churchill’s grandson. He had already much endeared himself to WTF this weekend by having a go at Donald Trump over his failure to venture out of doors in Paris to visit American military graves, describing him as ‘a pathetic inadequate’ who ‘couldn’t even defy the weather to pay his respects to The Fallen’. On Thursday, as oafish thicko Andrew Bridgen MP berated May in the Commons, Sir Nicholas’ stentorian tones were heard booming “Sit down, you disloyal little twerp”. It was a cheery moment on what was otherwise a bad day.

Here’s the thing, Readers. There is no such thing as a good Brexit deal because all that stuff Brexit campaigners promised us were never going to happen. It was like cold callers promising you fantastic interest rates or people emailing you asking you to help them get their auntie’s funds out of Nigeria in exchange for a slice of the action, if you first give them your bank details. It was a chimera, an illusion, a delusion. The EU was never going to shower us with contracts. It was never going to let us leave, but behave as if we had never left. It was never going to give us a better deal as non-members than we got as members. And so rather than have lorries parked for days waiting for goods to clear customs, and all-out mutiny in Northern Ireland, we are in this pathetic half-way house and no-one is happy. Bring on a second referendum and see if The People still want to dip their heads into the bucket.

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We begin our sartorial survey of silliness with Brigitte Macron and Melania Trump in Paris on Armistice weekend. Brigitte always wears Vuitton. Melania is wearing Dior.

Brigitte looks fine, if a little hungry. Melania. on the other hand, looks like Miss Marple having overdone it on the Victoria Sponge, which is ridiculous because she is not remotely large. But as outraged WTF aficionado Compos Mentis (@megatonlove) tweeted to @WTF_EEK, ‘Please tell me you’re not going to let Mylanta get away with this, er, outfit.’ No fear. It looks like Melania is hiding her secret service detail under her skirts.

To the Country Music Awards and singer Jennifer Nettles wearing Uel Camilo.

Jennifer looks like an ostrich with alopecia. 

Now we are at the People’s Choice Awards and E! Presenter Giuliana Rancic, wearing Bao Tranchi.

Ms Rancid clearly shares the same tanning technician as Donald J Trump and is the colour of a nuclear tangerine.  She has also forgotten to put on her skirt. Or to eat anything.

And here is actress Christina Hendricks ,wearing Temperley.

On this evidence, Christina’s stylist is nursing a serious grudge, dressing her like a transgender marine in seriously unflattering combat fatigues with sparkly Louboutins and a red silk clutch that has nothing to do with the price of fish.

To the Victoria’s Secret After Party where you can never be sure whether the models are still in their catwalk undies or have got changed for the event. See what I mean with model Gizele Oliviera, wearing Aadnevik.

Of course, she is gorgeous – they all are or they would not be chosen to prance up and down in their scanties. But even Gizele cannot make a bustier and long strands of minge fringe look good.

This is model Iesha Hodges, wearing Cushnie and Ochs. Scroll down slowly…

All is well until you get to the ankles, at which point things go seriously awry. If a duck went to a fancy dress party as John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, this is what it would look like.

And our third woman in white, model Gigi Hadid wearing Versace.

She is wearing a condom and more sparkly Louboutins. Even she looks terrible. Kill me now…

And finally, we have actor Ezra Miller at the premiere of his movie Fantastic Beasts – The Crimes of Grindelwald, wearing Givenchy.

Just because the movie is called Fantastic Beasts does not mean that young Ezra had to dress up a polar bear. WTF is also baffled why he has smeared that stuff under his eyes, like Aussie cricketers do to ward off the wicked UV rays, and why he has stigmata on his palms.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado and comment-leaver supreme, Andrew Purcell of Texas, who drew this revolting thing to her attention. Yes!!! It’s Trumpy Bear!

The blurb for this excrescence (yours for only $56 99) says ‘Don’t miss out on owning a piece of American History! Trumpy Bear is a plush 22″ bear with an attached 28″ by 30′ American Flag blanket cape. Trumpy has a zippered neck where the blanket is stored’. Mind you, Trumpy Bear appears to be much more intelligent than his namesake0 and his hair is definitely more realistic. The morons who worship the Orange One will be logging on to Amazon before you can say ‘impeachment’, using the few dollars they got in their tax cut to pay for it. It’s Got to Go. 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF enjoyed your comments last week and hopes to carry on enjoying them this week. And don’t forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.

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WTF Distraction Special

Hallo Readers

OK, so I won the Senate and I lost the House of Representatives but look over here  –  I am going to  give a 90 minute press conference! OK,  so my press conference was a total disaster when I came over as mean, petty, petulant, and unhinged, but look over there – that mouthy little bastard from Fake News CNN, Jim Acosta, assaulted one of my interns so I am going to ban him from the White House, like forever, because he is a rude, nasty man! OK, so I am getting flack for banning Jim Acosta and faking a video of him assaulting my intern, but hey look over yonder – I sacked my Attorney-General and have put my pal in charge of the Justice Department, so if Mueller thinks he is going to put Don Jr in jail and get my tax returns he’s got another thing coming. Trump always has another distraction up his sleeve, each one sleazier and more repugnant than the one before. He is like a reverse pole-vaulter – each time you think he can sink no lower, he does. And will keep on doing so.

The week has been dispiriting as well as cheering. The hate-mongering, rabble-rousing, mendacity that passes for Presidential behaviour worked – it kept the moronic base happy and they (mostly) supported his candidates in the Senate race. This gave him the Senate, which means he will be able to appoint more God-fearing, conservative judges when the older ones topple over, and approve any crackpot appointments for new cabinet positions. Millions of ordinary people drank the bile as if it were nectar, overlooked the lies and were buoyed by the blatant racism. Like the good Christians they pretend to be, they Believe. They believe they are at imminent risk from marauding hordes of Guatemalans and Hondurans. They believe a black woman Yale Law School Graduate who led the opposition in the Georgia Senate for five years is ‘unqualified’ to be a Governor. They believe a black male who has been Mayor of his town and was running for Governor of Florida and reduced its crime rate is ‘a stone-cold thief.’ They believe that Republicans are dedicated to preserving pre-existing conditions for their healthcare  even though those self-same Republicand have repeatedly voted against it. They believe that an enquiry into Russian dodginess is a ‘hoax’ even though it has already produced 23 indictments but they also believe that Hillary ran a paedophile ring from the basement of a pizza parlour in Washington DC, which did not even have a basement. They probably believe that Melania Trump loves her husband. Credo quia impossible est. People actually bought this stuff. Bigly.

And so WTF is dispirited. Because this lying lump of orange lard, a man without a single redeeming feature, continues to be the subject of adulation and admiration. Because in the absence of a credible Democratic candidate, he will probably win  a second term. Because in a land that rams its democratic (small d) credentials down the world’s throat, voters have to stand in line for hours to vote, and if they are African American in some States, when they get to the front of the queue they will be turned away because there is an apostrophe in the wrong place on their driving licence, or they are not on the roll or, if they ever get in front of the voting machine, it will register a Republican vote whoever the hell it is they think they’re voting for. Because, sadly, shits continue to prosper. So WTF is not dancing with joy this weekend. And will not be dancing until one particular shit is disgraced, unseated and in jail……

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We start the week’s review of clothing cock-ups at the LACMA Art + Film party and rapper ASAP Rocky, wearing Gucci.

Well this is surprising – Princess Anne meets Noel Coward, rapper style. The dressing gown would be nice – as a dressing gown. And clock the fur-lined mules.

Also there was singer Andra Day wearing Gucci.

Andra is still in her nighty, having overslept. This is why WTF hates satin – it creases, it clings, it crumples. 

This is the Women in Hollywood event and actress and singer Shailene Woodley wearing Ralph and Russo.

Shailene’s look is inspired by Ruby Keeler, the 40’s tap-dancing sensation.

However, that Ruby Keeler look is not working on Shailene, however fabulous her legs,  as no one could look good in tin foil short-shorts which must chafe like hell and prompt a beastie yeastie….

To the MTV EMAs in Bilbao, where we meet the night’s host, actress and singer Hailee Steinfeld, wearing Armani Privé.

More fabuous legs in a very unfabulous outfit, a cross between a mutant butterfly and an outsized silvery minge. WTF likes this even less than the Armani Privé blue version worn by Nicole Kidman at the Oscars earlier this year.

Meet Spanish singer Rosalia, wearing who can even say what this is?

If a frilly loo-roll holder went to a fancy dress party dressed as a bullfighter, this is what it would look like.

Here is singer Halsey, also wearing Raisa and Vanessa.  

The rear view is worse. Much worse……

Halsey is wearing a giant incontinence pad under a diamanté-decorated net curtain. It is very bad. Very bad indeed.

Next up we have actor Evan Ross wearing ASOS and his wife Ashlee Simpson, also wearing Raisa and Vanessa. Raisa and Vanessa – stop it.

Look, it is sweet that they are colour-coordinated and all that, and they seem very devoted, but love can only take you so far and it certainly does not afford you any protection against looking like a spangly circus ringmaster whose trousers have shrunk  in the wash.

Finally, we have the ‘star’ of Geordie Shore Chloe Ferry, wearing Ladore by Laura.

No. NO. Enough already. Quite apart from the horrible mermaid hair, the black eyes, as if fresh from a bout with Tatiana Ali, and lips more rubbery that a bee-stung Mick Jagger, that thing she is wearing makes her look like Eve in a wintry Garden of Eden with an icy minge, Frozen remade and starring Stormy Daniels.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF, supported by WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh, who agrees with WTF’s view that the three most fearsome words in the English language, even worse than ‘replacement bus service,’ are Women for Trump. Like this one, here.

They all look the same. Long hair, usually blonde. Masses of makeup. A face more plastic than a wallet full of credit cards. A hint of cleavage. And a rictus smile, as they extol the virtues of the Orange One. They appear to be in inexhaustible supply and most of them end up on Newsnight, where they tell masses of lies whilst gurning and grinning like a Halloween Ghoulie. They’ve All Got to Go

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF enjoyed your comments last week and hopes to carry on enjoying them this week. And don’t forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

WTF Dumb and Dumber Special

Hallo Readers,

WTF has not commented much on Brexit recently, partly because she has been consumed more than ever with events across the Atlantic but also because it is such a car crash. But we are obviously going to do it because we said that we would do it, even though when we said we would do it, well 52% of those who voted yes, we did not know what it meant, where we were headed and we were frankly lied to by all and sundry. Boris promised money for the NHS if we left, Cameron told us we would be at war unless we stayed, politicians various promised us a land of milk and honey with foreigners falling over themselves to snap us deals with us. No one (this side of the Irish Sea) said anything about the inconvenient matter of the Irish border. But hey! We’ve got our country back and a lovely dark blue passport and a crappy new 50 pence coin designed on a free Adobe programme by school kids vying for the chance to go on Breakfast TV and meet Piers Morgan and Susannah whatshername. It is like someone grimly pressing ahead with the wedding, even after realising that her fiancée is a dud, because she cannot face the embarrassment of returning the marble cheese-plate to Auntie Vera.

Meanwhile, it appears that Arron Banks, the country’s most disgusting man, former UKIP piggybank, with the emphasis on pig, is in trouble for alleged financial dodginess in the funding of Leave EU, the organisation at the forefront of the Vote No campaign. By law, no foreign donors could contribute to either side, but a company in the Isle of Man, Rock Holdings Ltd, linked to Banks and his associate Liz Bilney,  seems to have coughed up £8m. At least that is what it seems to say in the company accounts, although the money was supposed to come from Banks personally. The Electoral Commission has concluded that were reasonable grounds to suspect Banks was “not the true source” of the funding to the Leave.EU campaign and has passed the matter to the National Crime Agency. Banks handled the matter with his customary grace, tweeting that ‘the swamp in Westminster really is as bad as Washington’ (Arron is unsurprisingly a huge fan of Donald Trump) and that members of the Commission are all Remainers who are using sleight of hand to get a Second Referendum. His supporters are busily playing the whataboutism game and demanding that similar steps are taken against George Soros, even though he has not broken any law in donating, post 2016, to an organisation seeking another vote. Because of course anything bad in the world, whether it is illegal immigration in the US or financial hardships anywhere must be down to Soros on the grounds that he is (a) foreign (b) rich and (c) Jewish. It is a good job these people do not believe in climate change or he would be blamed for that as well.

The fact that there are reasonable grounds to suspect dodginess in the conduct of the Vote Leave  campaign will presumably have as much effect as the fact that most of the facts fed to the public were either lies or just plain wrong. We may have fucked up but we will go down fighting. That is the British Way. If we were wrong, then let us be gloriously wrong. Auntie Vera is not getting her cheese-plate back. It is the Somme all over again, only with worse planning…..

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial slurry with actress Tilda Swinton wearing Schiaparelli. 

Who knew that the lovely Tilda was playing Aladdin? Those trousers are big enough for the whole cast and will still leave space for the orchestra…

Here is celebritee son, Jaden Smith, wearing his own design, Forces of Nature.

There is a new movie out, First Man, about Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the Moon. Who knew Jaden was also in it?

Now we have actress Michelle Rodriguez at the premiere of London Fields in LA, wearing patterned pantyhose.

These are not clothes. Not even at all. These are patterned pantyhose with a jacket and the grey woollen socks worn by pensioners to keep out the cold, and gold pixie boots like Tinkerbell going clubbing. Dismal.

And talking of dismal, here is aristocrat Lady Victoria Hervey.  Why she was at the premiere, WTF cannot say.

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Once again, this is not clothes. Not even close. Lady V, the best justification for social upheaval since a pissed-off Karl Marx picked up his pen, is wearing a deconstructed waste paper bin.

To the Latin American Music Awards in Hollywood where we find a couple of men looking perfectly preposterous. Here is singer Billy Crespo, wearing something quite remarkable.

Billy’s tailor chopped up a kimono and made it into a suit, Maria’s curtains in The Sound of Music now set in Kyoto. And the shoes are very remarkable, like bricks with heels.

And here is singer Yashua at the same event, wearing Stello.

Er…OK. He is en route to commit a bank robbery in a nuclear bunker and has had to protect himself. Or maybe he is just a pillock. WTF is voting for option 2, as would all right-thinking people.

To a bash for BadAss women, where we find actress Tracee Ellis Ross, wearing Marc Jacobs.

Isn’t it a little early for Christmas? We have only just got past Halloween and still have Thanksgiving and Chanukah ahead. And yet here is Tracee looking a little bit like a floral Madonna with the infant Jesus in swaddling clothes…

Here is rapper Cardi B, wearing Heaven knows what .

Cardi is dressed as a straw beach umbrella with tits. Who knows why?

Finally, we have splendid actress Sigourney Weaver at the Rome Film Festival, wearing Off-White.

Sigourney is wearing an Aubusson tapestry, a white shirt and a pair of shoes last seen on George Warleggan in Poldark.

It pains WTF to speak frankly, criticism being alien to her nature, but John Hurt, who co-starred with Sigourney in Alien, looked better when that thing came out of his stomach.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF who reeled at the sight of these absolutely revolting “skin boots”, manufactured (aptly) by Canadian company Matières Fecales, translated as fecal matter. That is being kind. If you want to blow your savings before checking into a mental health facility, these can be yours for only £5,000.

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They look like human skin, but thankfully they are not. They are utterly unspeakable and  without any question whatsoever, They’ve Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF enjoyed receiving comments again after last week’s debacle, when WordPress failed to allow any, so keep them coming and please don’t forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Arron Banks, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, David Cameron, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Immigration, Leave EU, Politics, UKIP, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments