WTF Sadiq Special

Hallo Readers, 

Last week, the malignant virus that is ‘journalist’ Katie Hopkins, tweeted a vicious, Islamophobic, attack on London Mayor Sadiq Khan. No surprise there, of course. Hopkins hates Muslims, claims white people and Christian values are under threat, and would trample over her own granny to earn a spot on Fox News, especially as no media outlet will touch her with a disinfected bargepole over here. The capital city had endured another terrible weekend in which two people were stabbed and another one was shot. The Angel of Death wrote ‘This is Khan’s Londonistan’. As it happens, this ghastly spate of stabbings and murder appears to have no connection at all with Islam – the comment was therefore both spiteful and inapposite. But the Angel of Death is unconcerned with petty details like fact, not when there is a Crusade to undertake. And who retweeted this bilious drivel? None other than Donald J Trump. Never mind that what happens in London is none of his damn business. Never mind that US cities, including Trump’s home town of New York, have a much higher murder rate. Never mind that he is a shill for the National Rifle Association, which champions the right to bear arms, translated into the inalienable right to shoot dead perfect strangers, preferably kiddies, and to stockpile weapons, even though you have every sort of psychiatric problem and should not be able to buy a pea-shooter, let alone an AK47. Trump tweeted that Khan was ‘A national disgrace who is destroying the City of London’. (Note to Trump – the City of London is not the same as London. But then Trump does not know the difference between England and Britain, or Britain and the United Kingdom, or indeed between his ever-burgeoning arse and his elbow).

The tweet provoked outrage. Outrage at Trump retweeting the Angel of Death, and outrage at Trump having yet another go at a Muslim citizen of another country. Just to ensure that everyone was clear that this was an Islamophobic tweet, Hopkins tweeted her thanks to the President for his retweet, referring to London’s ‘Muslim Mayor’. Back home, the Prime Minister and the Foreign Secretary failed to condemn Trump’s interference or his racism, although politely distancing themselves from the actual language and the input of the horrible Hopkins. Only the Muslim Home Secretary, Sajid Javid, condemned Trump, as he had done on a previous occasion of an Islamophobia tweet, which probably explains why his invitation to the State Banquet on Trump’s visit was lost in the post. Meanwhile, many over here piled in, supporting Trump’s attack and condemning Khan as the worst Mayor ever.

But here’s the thing, Readers. Knife crime have soared since 2014 (two years before Khan was elected) and that is not unique to London – it is countrywide. Since 2010, the knife crime rates in the North East have risen by 33%; in Yorkshire and the Humber, by 77%; and in Wales, by 50%. But it is only Khan that gets the flack. Why do you suppose that is? London now has fewer police officers than it did in 2003 – 20,000 officers down since 2010. Forty youth clubs have closed. The Government has demanded savings in the police budget of £1bn nationally, including £334m in the Metropolitan Police which also has to find another £104m because of pension changes. Police stations have closed. God forbid that you should ever see actual officers on the street. But Theresa May (remember that she was Home Secretary for six years from 2010 to 2016) says there is ‘no direct correlation between certain crimes and police numbers’. Right. It is of course much easier to throw shit at a brown, Muslim, Labour, Mayor. Trump and the Angel of Death are pure scum, of whom nothing is to be expected except more lies, racism and filth. But everyone else should take a long hard look at themselves.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion fiascos with racing driver Lewis Hamilton at the Paris Men’s Fashion Week, wearing Valentino.

What is he wearing now? The words ‘fashion victim’ have insufficient nuance to sum up Lewis’ ridiculous sartorial choices. This time, his top makes him look like the late, lamented, Victoria Wood in Dinner Ladies, the jeans were bought in anticipation of his having a late growth spurt, and the trainers look plain manky.

Now to Los Angeles and the TrevorLive! charity gala, where we find model and actress Cara Delevigne, wearing Balmain.

This is just very silly. From the front, it looks like a sleeveless gilet sewn into an old net curtain, paired with saucy boots. The back, however, is worse.

From the back, it looks like Bridget Jones panties and an old net curtain. It is as if Cara were off to a Halloween party and couldn’t be arsed to make any effort with her costume.

Next up, we have Kate Moss’ little sister, model Lottie Moss, wearing Aadnevik at the Victoria and Albert Summer Party. Why she was there at all, WTF cannot say.

This is not a dress. Not even at all. It is an elongated bustier worn over a pair of panties, and it is foul. Lottie used her Instagram account to air her concern about her weight (seriously?), and obviously thought that wearing this would boost her confidence. She should stop worrying about her girth and start worrying about her taste. Or her stylist. Or both.

And now we go to the MTV Movie and TV Awards in Santa Monica, where an abundance of horror awaited us. We kick off with actor Nico Tortorella, wearing his school uniform and fancy loafers.

WTF takes the view that once a man is past bar mitzvah age, shorts suits should not occupy space in his wardrobe. Particularly when worn with gingham loafers and lashings of blue guy shadow. And he has been drawing on his legs with a magic marker.

Here is singer Spice, who won an award for some reality rubbish called Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta, wearing something frightful.

Only smurfs should have blue hair, and no-one, not even a smurf, should wear a tit-baring bodysuit resembling a trail of neon yellow alyssum.

This is another reality star, Lala Kent, who is in something called Vanderpump Rules. She is wearing affair.fff.

Lala has less VNA (Visible Nipple Activity) on display than Spice, but instead is giving us a major Minge Moment. Meanwhile, WTF is trying to work out whether Lala is wearing her shoes under the lace or over it.

Finally, we have entertainer and (winning) TV Host Nick Cannon, formerly Mr Mariah Carey, wearing Louis Vuitton. This is about as stupid an ensemble as WTF ever did see in her life. Brace yourselves.

What is going on? Why is Louis Vuitton making logo’ed bullet proof vests and gas masks with matching deck shoes? What are those truncated cargo thingies? And why is he wearing them all with a Mayoral chain? Someone at LV has been overdosing on Nicholas Cage as Big Daddy.

 

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of London, who is aghast at the terrible barstools the five Tory Leadership contenders were made to sit on during the BBC ‘debate’ on Tuesday. As splendid Guardian columnist John Crace noted, “they looked like an ageing boy band. Take Twat”. There was a lot of man spreading as they perched gingerly on their stools like a bunch of old bores at the Garrick  Club Bar. They looked uncomfortable, the whole thing was uncomfortable, and on the basis that one had any faith left in democracy before the debate, it certainly would have gone walkies afterwards. Dismal. Depressing. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

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Posted in Boris Johnson, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Katie Hopkins, MTV Movie and TV Awards, Politics, racism, Sadiq Khan, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF And They’re Off Special

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Posted in Boris Johnson, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, David Cameron, David Davis, Dominic Raab, Donald Trump, Esther McVey, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, General Election, Liz Truss, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, Olivier Awards, racism, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

WTF State Visit Special

Hallo Readers,

This week, the President of the US came to call and  did all the things he does best. He lied through his teeth on a variety of topics, including a claim that the streets were thronged with cheering fans, their love for him pulsating through the capital like electric shocks. He pushed his family forward at the taxpayers’ expense.  He insulted his host’s granddaughter-in-law, the Duchess of Sussex, and the Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, even before his plane had touched down on British soil. He made a total fool of himself, displaying dizzying degrees of arrogance, ignorance and self-absorption. And we learned that he is aiming to get his hands on privatising the NHS, even though he denied it the day after he had said it, and two days after his Ambassador had said it. Business as usual for Trumpy. He then flew to Shannon Airport to hold a joint press conference with a bemused, and frankly pissed off, Leo Varadkar, the Irish Premier, where he embarrassed himself by suggesting that Irish Border issue was the same as America’s Mexican border issue (it isn’t), that Ireland wanted a wall (it didn’t), and that the Republic was somehow part of the United Kingdom (which it hasn’t been since 1937 – the clue being in the name Republic). After which, he went off with his entourage of schnorrrers, noch-schleppers and sycophants to his golf club at Doonbeg, thereby advertising another Trump property at other people’s expense.

Yesterday, he flew off to Normandy for the D Day Commemorations, where he delivered a ballsaching speech in a flat monotone with the look of wonder he has when reading something for the first time off a teleprompter, sniffing loudly for reasons that WTF can only guess at. Maybe he had forgotten his handkerchief. In keeping with the sombre occasion, remembering the bravery of the thousands of young men who stormed Omaha Beach on 6 June 1944, many never even getting as far as the shore, and others shot dead on the sands, Trump then granted an interview to Fox News’ Laura Ingraham, a woman so rabid that were she to so much as touch you, you would be running to the doctor for the antidote (massive injections in your stomach). Pictured against a background of row after row of little white crosses gleaming in the sunshine, Trumpy used the solemnity of the place to slag off Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Vietnam Vet Robert Mueller, Mexico, asylum seekers, and those Republican Senators who do not appreciate his threatened tariffs or his selling arms to his murderous Saudi mates by Executive Order. Because nowhere is inappropriate to kick your political enemies, even a graveyard for the fallen heroes you have crossed the Atlantic to extol, and the few surviving nonagenarians you have come to praise. Then it was back to Ireland for more free publicity for his club and a few rounds of golf.

The other lowlight of the trip was his ‘interview’ with Arselicker-in-Chief, Piers Morgan. WTF had always foolishly imagined that an interview was when you are asked a question and are held to account for the inconsistencies and evasions in your answer. That, however, is not the Piers Morgan way, which is to smirk whilst your Presidential pal makes stuff up on the spot. And so it was that Trumpy was presented as unable to fight in Vietnam because of his bone spurs (bought by Daddy Trump from one of his tenants), allowed to claim that he was ‘not a fan’ of the war because it was ‘far away and no one had heard of it’, unchallenged at his inability to distinguish between climate and weather, permitted to assert that transgender personnel should not serve in the military because they need a lot of post-operative drugs, whereas the military does not allow you so much as an aspirin, and got away with claiming that Mueller had to change his testimony even though Mueller never testified and therefore did not correct it (in fact, he was correcting Barr’s dishonest summary of it).  It was a wonder that WTF did not put her foot through the screen.

He has gone home now, there to sell his imaginary triumphs and oafish ignorance to his base of the uneducated, the uncivilised, the cretinous and the gullible. Those corpses at Omaha beach must be turning in their graves.  

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We start our review of the last seven days’ sartorial shit pile at Buckingham Palace and the State Banquet for Donald Trump and First Lady Melania Trump, wearing Dior. Oh, that’s the Queen in the middle, wearing Angela Kelly.

Donald looks like a plump Patagonian penguin in a truss and comedy trousers.

Why can’t he find a suit to fit him? That said, white tie and tails are pretty unforgiving when you are a 350 pound slob with a fat stomach and no class. The white waistcoat is supposed to be level with, or minimally below, the cut of the coat. But that would leave his gut spilling out like cake mix leaking from a loose-bottomed tin. Thus his tailor was obliged to extend the waistcoat almost to crotch level so as to contain the spilth, and make the coat so big that the sleeves are too long. And he isn’t wearing a wing collar.

Meanwhile, why are Melania’s clothes always so snug, hugging her augmented breasts tighter than a boa constrictor in a bad mood?

And why do her gloves have more crinkles than a jumbo pack of crinkle crisps? Has she never heard of the expression ‘fits like a glove?’

Also there, of coure, was entitled Barbie Doll and First Daughter Ivanka Trump, wearing Carolina Herrera. She is seen here with Cabinet Minister Liam Fox.

Ivanka has come straight from performing a matinee performance of Oklahoma!

And this is professional liar Sarah Sanders, Trump’s Press Secretary, with George V lookalikey, Prince Michael of Kent.

Yikes. Has she not heard of Spanx? That dress is so tight you can see her bellybutton. WTF is surprised that it didn’t split half way through the Strawberry Sablé.

And in her last WTF appearance as Prime Minister, Theresa May. accompanied by Prince William. No one has owned up to designing this dress. Good call.

If you have to show your tits and wear slashed shoulders, whether you are Prime Minister or not, you should ensure that you do not burn yourself  in the sun so that you end up with visible tan marks on your chest, shoulders and arms. There is very little less alluring than two-tone tits, especially when the tones are scarlet and milky white. Bare pink legs and red shoes only add to the prevailing sense of dismay.

Away from royalty, here are actress Priyanka Chopra, wearing Gahlia Lalav, and her husband Nick Jonas, wearing Ermenegildo Zegna.

These two have been getting on WTF’s nerves. Ever since they got married in a three-day extravaganza in India, they have been going on about their nuptials non bloody stop. They even pitched up at the Cannes Film Festival in wedding white, requiring WTF to rush urgently towards the nearest receptacle. And she was at it again last weekend, gushing away in The Sunday Times about her spouse and her BFF Meghan Markle. That said, she looks nice here, which is more than can be said of Nick, who is wearing what is best described as an aubergine satin boiler suit, showcasing bare ankles in black suede loafers. Perhaps it was his homage to D Day and the memory of Sir Winston Churchill, only Winnie had less hair and better shoes,

To London and the British Soap Awards where we encounter young actress and singer Tallia Storm, wearing Jetmira Bejtullahu.

We are experiencing a positive deluge of these fluffy shower puffs at the moment. This example is particularly foul, in that it has a tit-flounce, a mesh midriff, and a mullet. It makes Tallia look like Nell Gwyn having tumbled beneath someone’s carriage wheels in Pall Mall.

To a favourite event, the Country Music Awards in Nashville, Tennessee, and singer Meghan Linsey wearing who can even say what?

Meghan seems to have succumbed to a particularly nasty strain of impetigo, and the cameltoe is going to give her a beastie yeastie, requiring Canesten to be delivered to her home by tanker. As for the pink hair, WTF prefers not to speak of it.

To the Costume Designers Fashion Awards  in New York. Here is Queer Eye fashion guru Anton Porowski wearing Sies Marjan.

On first catching sight of this getup, WTF assumed that artisans across the world were donning rainbow overalls in solidarity with Gay Pride for Plumbers or some such, but it turns out to be just another truly ridiculous fashion item. How short are those trousers????? And why?????

Also present was top model Gigi Hadid, wearing Louis Vuitton.

What is that thing across her chest? Is it supposed to be a flying dolphin on a satin machine gun belt, like a silken baby-blue Rambo? There is just too much of everything and not enough of anything to like.

And finally, we have åctress Dania Ramirez at the premiere of the movie Dark Phoenix, wearing Leilu by Alex. Brace yourselves.

Boobage in abundance, her nips covered by X marks The Spot, like target practice at a military training camp. Meanwhile, that is one hell of a minge fringe.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Sue Peters, who brought this horror to her attention. They are by Pretty Little Thing and cost £25.

 Oh FFS! How much more of this nonsense must we put up with? It reminds WTF of the scene in The Full Monty, when Mark Addy wraps himself in cling film to try and lose weight whilst simultaneously consuming a Mars Bar. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Brexit, CDFA 2019, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Country Music Awards, Donald Trump, Duchess of Sussex, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Meghan Markle, Piers Morgan, Sarah Sanders, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

WTF Failure and Farce Special

Hallo Readers, 

Theresa May did resign last week, as predicted, but she did not take WTF’s advice, which was to get out of Dodge before Monday, when the flatulent orange fantasist that is Donald Trump lands here on his State Visit. Instead, she will resign officially on Friday 7 June after the Donald and his offensive offspring have gone home. Even then, she will stay in Number 10 until her successor is chosen, which will be around the middle of July.

All political careers end in failure but in Mrs Maybe’s case, the word failure is far too kind. Something else is required, like farce. And what a legacy she has left us.  A gaggle of ghastliness now jostles to succeed her. If you were looking to cast a remake of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, you need go no further than the Gang of Twelve, although by the time you read this, some other bumptious nonentity will probably have thrown his or her cap into the ring (WTF had to change the number from eleven even while writing this). Boris Johnson is the bookies’ favourite but he is currently facing a private prosecution for misfeasance in public office (that infamous bus banner lying about the £350 million that would go to the NHS if we Brexited), and might find running the country  from inside a cell a trifle tricky. Then there is the man who stabbed him in the back, last time round, fish-faced Michael Gove, and Andrea Loathsome, who was to face May in the run-off in 2016 until she threw it all away by pointing out that Theresa had no children and therefore lacked the commitment to make the future better. Or there is Jeremy Hunt, the man who ran the NHS into the ground and is now Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab, the man who champions female equality but is not a feminist, the rebarbative professional Scouser Esther McVey, who is never happier than when depriving people of their benefits, and charming and ever-so-posh ex-Army officer Rory Stewart, who appears to be the only one who is even fairly sensible, and therefore is automatically ruled out. The others are all so insignificant that WTF cannot even be bothered to insult them.

If it was embarrassing to be British last week, it is even worse this week. Huge swathes of the UK voted for Nigel Farage’s Brexit party (basically UKIP with different nutters). Huge swathes voted for those parties who wanted to stay. The Tories crashed and burned. Labour crashed and burned. Neither had a clear and discernible Brexit policy or any obvious means of putting any policy into practice, even if they had one, which they don’t. Labour chucked out a leading light, Alastair Campbell, for voting Liberal Democrat (so did WTF, but her membership has lapsed and had not been renewed), because that party promised a referendum, which Labour did not. Corbyn then announced that the Party would now support a second referendum, which it would not have done had so many people not voted for the Liberal Democrats to start with. Oh, and they might let Campbell back in. And they wonder why people are disenchanted with politics.

So this is where we are. Half our Members of the European Parliament are there to ensure we leave ASAP. Our probable new Prime Minister is a unprincipled liar, whose opportunism got us into this mess in the first place, but who is facing a private prosecution for being a liar. And we are still an international joke. Welcome to post-May Britain.

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We start our review of the week’s clothing cloaca with celebritee and cosmetics billionaire Kylie Jenner, wearing Minge Maestro Julien Macdonald.

Julien has wrapped Kylie in £12,000 of sparkly orange peel. Yes really. Kylie has compounded the offence with stupid plastic shoes and lots of bad fake tan, whilst appalled onlookers are in fear of an imminent Minge Moment. In other words, it is business as usual for both of them.

Here is actress Sharon Stone at a charity gala for the Museum of Contemporary Art in LA, wearing who knows what.

WTF at first thought that Sharon had dyed her hair, but it is in fact a scarf matching her box clutch, as she is trying to distract us from the fact that she is wearing a macramé hanging basket holder.

And now to Cannes where we digest the last of the preposterous Festival for 2019, and the associated nonsensical events where people go to preen. It is all very bad. Like Australian model Shanina Shaikh, wearing Georges Hobeika at a Chopard event.

WTF can but conclude that Shanina was taking part in an couture re-enactment of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. All she needs is an apple.

Also there were singer and actress Li Yuchun and Giambattista Valli, who designed her ensemble.

The dress is part of Valli’s one-off range for H&M, and it is fine if you want to look like a mullet Barbie. As for Giambattista, there is no excuse for wearing white socks unless you are playing tennis and his trousers look like a floppy concertina.

On the proper Red Carpet now, where we meet model Meredith Mickelson at the premiere of Rambo: Here We Fucking Go Again, wearing Rami Kadi.

The good news is that she is wearing some sort of titsy swimsuit. The bad news is that she is wearing it under a plastic ground sheet. Great sandals though.

And the star of the show, actor Sylvester Stallone, looking a bit crap.

Look, no one looks like they used to look. Sly is 74. However, his face is fuller of plastic that the LA landfill site. As for the outfit, there was probably a very good reason why he is wearing a dinner jacket and bow tie with the sort of white slacks usually seen on cruise directors. It is just that WTF does not know what it is.

And finally, lovely French actress Marion Cotillard wearing Balmain.

This is officially a pity because Marion is gorgeous but this outfit is not. She looks like she has come to the Red Carpet straight from a spin class, and those bootees are just dog ugly.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Leslie Verrinder, who has brought these vile trousers to her attention.

If you think they look like chicken drumsticks, that is because they are meant to. But why would you want to wear something that makes it look as if you have been farting into your trousers for the past week? It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Cannes Film Festival, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Dominic Raab, Donald Trump, Esther McVey, Fashion Disasters, Nigel Farage, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

WTF Shame of Thrones Special

Hallo Readers,

Game of Thrones came to an end this week but there is no need for fretting and withdrawal symptoms! Welcome to a thrilling new story, Shame of Thrones, a tale of political machinations set in the mythical kingdom of Westminsteros. In SoT, Theresas used to command the loyalty of her troops, the Sullied and the Stupid, who supported her sworn mission to break the wheel and to free Westminsteros from the yoke of slavery imposed by the rulers of Euros, the evil twins Ser Claude and Ser Guy, who have kept Westminsteros under their thumbs for decades. But Theresas has proved to be a disappointment and Westminsteros still labours under Euros’ rule, as a result of which, yokels and yobboes various have become increasingly frustrated at her hapless failures and broken promises. Theresas’ claim to the Iron Throne has become more and more hopeless, and rebellion is in the air; she has already been forced to do a walk of shame down Whitehall, naked as the day she was born, whilst pelted with milkshakes and rotten eggs, and has also had to beg Ser Guy and Ser Donald for more time to make proposals for Westminsteros’ independence, and to come up with the readies to buy its departure. Her dragons, Andrea and Esther, have now deserted her and are breathing fire all over her HQ, torching thousands of innocent citizens and stirring up apathy and anger in equal measure, and evil dwarf Sajid and the King of the Long-Gone Past, Jacob, hatch a scheme to defenestrate her. At which point, Theresas realises that the game is all over and agrees to go in June on terms which are yet to be announced at the time of writing. And the scramble for the Shame of Thrones begins anew…..

And you know what Readers? This is not fiction. If you pitched it to HBO, you would be shown the door PDQ. Hordes of GoT fans spent this week bitching that the ending wasn’t good enough, and that they had wasted hours of their life for nothing (as if they would otherwise have been occupied finding a cure for cancer, or writing a symphony, or something), but had you served them up this scenario, they would be out burning Westminsteros to the ground. Almost three years after the Referendum, we are the joke keeping Euros, sorry, Europe laughing. WTF is reminded of the scene from the original Trainspotting, when Renton, the Ewan McGregor character, rants that “It’s Shite Being Scottish. We’re the lowest of the low”. Try being a Brit today, Renton. At least you could escape occasionally with an armful of heroin. We, on the other hand, have to watch helplessly as the Westminsteros politicians continue to bitch, backstab, and make a total ballsup of the whole Brexit exercise. As a result, the European Elections, which took place in the UK yesterday, will probably be a cakewalk for Nigel Farage and his vile Brexit party, and quite a success for the Lib Dems, both of whom at least have actual, clear-cut, positions. What the hell Labour and the Tories believe, or want to do, or how they propose going about it, no one knows, and, sadly, fewer now care. And why Theresas wants to stay on for even another half an hour is a mystery. She is now despised on all sides, apart from her loyal husband Ser Philip of May and Larry the Downing Street Cat, and even Larry’s position is under review. If she were to leave sooner rather than later, at least she can avoid having to spend any time hobnobbing with Donald Trump, who arrives, with his whole disgusting family, for a proper State visit in the first week of June. And if that isn’t an incentive to call Pickfords and start packing up the china, WTF does not know what is.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion farragoes with Georgian-Greek singer Tamta, representing Cyprus in the Eurovision Song “Contest”, wearing a most extraordinary ensemble.

Here we have the carapace of a black beetle wrapped around a Minge Chandelier. Appalling. As was the whole evening. The UK would not even win it if no one else entered. It is time for a boycott on the grounds of political prejudice and rigged voting, never mind anything else.

To the Royal Wedding last Saturday of Lady Gabriella Windsor (what do you mean, who?) and some toff. Bizarrely, Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, scraped onto the guest list, wearing something whose designer is unknown. Good call.

Without the Mark of Zorro capelet, the dress would not be too bad, but honesty compels WTF to note that Fergie needs to take a size up. At least one size, and maybe two.

Here is actor Cody Fern in Australia at the premiere of America Horror Story: Apocalypse, wearing Maison Margiela.

This is a French Horror Story. WTF hates VNA (Visible Nipple Activity) almost above all things, whether they are male nipples or female nipples. WTF does not want to see Cody’s nipples, and she is willing to bet a few quid that many others share that view. And he is wearing those foul Margiela Tabi boots. Enough already with the camel-toe boots.

To the continuing nonsense of the Cannes Film Festival and actress Deepika Padukone, wearing Giambattista Valli Haute Couture.

It may be Giambattista Valli Haute Couture, but it is essentially a giant lime green shower puff worn with a swimming cap. Good sandals though.

More bath-time fluffiness with Ukrainian model Alina Baikova, wearing Zuhair Murad Couture.


This is even worse than Deepika’s green dress, because it has a ridiculous bodice and a mullet skirt. She looks like a over-coiffed, blue-rinsed poodle.

Next up, we have distinguished French actress Isabelle Adjani, wearing Alexandre Vauthier and a stupid straw hat.

If a village idiot went to a fancy dress party as Jane Austen, this is what he would look like.

Here is French singer Kiddy Smile, wearing Nicholas Lecourt Mansion.

Kiddy, Pierre Edouard Hanffou, is wearing an unforgivable floral dress with fluted shoulders and a large triangular tit window, and he has dyed his head orange to match. There is not enough brain bleach in the world to disperse this image.

Still at Cannes, but off the Red Carpet, we have American actress Eva Longoria wearing Atelier Zuhra. She was there in her capacity as a L’Oréal Ambassador. Whatever that may be.

Eva looks like the love child of an Art Nouveau lamp and an Iguana.

Finally, we have Orange Is The New Black actress Dascha Polanco wearing Philipp Plein. This one is going straight into the nominations for the WTF Summer Stinker 2019, together with Monsieur Kiddy.

This is a circus clown outfit worn with a Flamenco frock. All that is missing is a red nose and bow tie that squirts water in your eye.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado The Justified Sinner, who has taken great exception to the amount of silly high street fashion on offer, including this preposterous crop top sold by ASOS.

This is basically a child’s vest worn by an adult with good abs. Just imagine if it catches on and flabby flotsam start walking around Luton Airport like this? It doesn’t bear thinking about and It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

Posted in Arron Banks, Brexit, Cannes Film Festival, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Duchess of York, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Leave EU, Nigel Farage, racism, Royal Baby, Sarah Ferguson, Uncategorized, VMAs 2014, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Sweet Womb Alabama Special

Hallo Readers,

Alabama, the land that time forgot, has just passed a law which, in effect, bans abortion. It was voted for by twenty-five white male senators and signed into law by hatchet-faced Governor Kay Ivey, clad appropriately for the occasion in crimson, the colour worn by women in the now-not-so-mythical land of Gilead in Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. It is the most draconian state anti-abortion law in the United States, admitting of no exception for pregnancies resulting from incest or rape, although mothers whose lives are at “serious risk” posed by the pregnancy can be exempted. The bill was steered through by Senator Clyde Chambliss, 50, a civil engineer with three daughters, whose grasp of the workings of the womb appears to be somewhat vague. According to Sen. Chambliss, a woman can still take steps to end a pregnancy as long as she doesn’t know that she is pregnant. “..anything that’s available today is still available up until that woman knows she’s pregnant. So there is a window of time, some say seven days, some say ten. There is a window of time that every option that’s on the table now is still available. So she has to take a pregnancy test, she has to do something to know whether she is pregnant or not. You can’t know that immediately. It takes some time for all those chromosomes and all that that you mentioned. It doesn’t happen immediately.’ In other words, as long as you can get rid of your baby before you know that you are expecting a baby, you are fine. But once you know that you are pregnant, you have to go through with the pregnancy. And the doctor who would perform an abortion could end up serving a maximum of ninety-nine years in prison. Meanwhile, if you are a victim of incest, your assailant can get a maximum of ten years. Ten years for incest and ninenty-nine years for trying to help the victim of incest. Sen. Chambliss explained “When God creates the miracle of life inside a woman’s womb, it is not our place as human beings to extinguish that life.” 

Other states are going down the same path, including Georgia, which bans abortion on detection of a foetal heartbeat (this can be after only six weeks), Kentucky, Mississippi, Ohio and Indiana. The reason is clear. Their ultra-conservative, neanderthal Republican politicians know that the measures are in conflict with the landmark decision of Roe v Wade, the 1973 decision in which the Supreme Court held that abortion was a woman’s constitutional right. But now the neanderthals are in the ascendancy, having struck a devil’s bargain with Donald Trump before the 2016 election. They would support this venal, adulterous, mendacious, crooked, irreligious, sack of shit and he, in turn, would deliver Supreme Court judges who would strike down Roe v Wade. Trump openly promised them as much and has since appointed two Supreme Court justices for that express purpose – Neil Gorsuch and the bloated, lachrymose, hysterical, liar and alleged sexual assailant, Brett Kavanaugh. And now Roe v Wade  will end up in the Supreme Court very soon. Perhaps the Alabama law is a little too extreme even for the majority of Catholics on the Court, but other states will produce something a little tighter, a little less brazen, and women will be forced to go abortion shopping in other places to avoid bearing children they do not want, cannot afford or who have been placed inside their bodies by acts of criminality and violence. Because apparently God wants it that way. Indeed Fox News buffoon and Trump sycophant Tucker Carlson said last night that forcing a woman to go through a pregnancy caused by rape was “honourable”. 

And so it is that a minority of the population ensures that the US can be turned into a Taliban state with such ease and political venality. WTF’s principal anger is reserved not for Trump – this is one of the rare occasion where he actually told the truth – but for the idiot Republican Senator Susan Collins of Maine, who claimed to be a champion of a woman’s right to choose,  but who was persuaded to vote for Kavanaugh on his assurance that he would not overturn Roe v Wade, thus facilitating his appointment. Collins is the female version of the late King Hussein of Jordan – given a 50/50 choice, she will inevitably fuck it up. This is on you Senator. You were conned – again. A woman colluding with the removal of women’s rights. Congratulations.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam at the Cannes Film Festival and actress Julianne Moore, wearing Louis Vuitton.

She is wearing a bathroom set. A bathroom set. Why, WTF cannot say. 

 

Here is Austrian model Nadine Leopold, wearing Nicholas Oakwell Couture.

Look, WYF likes a laugh as well as the next person, but the word “couture” here is just taking the piss. A corset and a pair of cami-knickers, paired with a sheet like a member of the KKK in his scanties, is not couture. Not even at all.

Another model, Brazilian Alessandra Ambrosio, wearing minge maestro Julien  Macdonald.

This is very typical of Julien’s oeuvre, i.e. there is not enough of it and there is always the imminent danger of a sighting of a body part that is not supposed to be on show.

There is a new movie about Sir Elton John, Rocketman, in which he is played by actor  Taron Egerton. Elton is wearing Gucci, including the uber-sparkiy sun- specs, whilst Taron is wearing Etro.

 Taron’s suit is reminiscent of William Morris wallpaper.

Elton’s suit is a lovely colour but something very horrible is happening around the crotch department, another distressing example of the dreaded elephant vagina syndrome.

Next up, actress Li Yuchun, wearing Balmain.

The lovely Li is clad as an ostrich in a strait jacket. And she is looking very pissed off as a result.

Away from Cannes, we go to Hollywood Model and actress Carla Howe at the Fashion Nova x Cardi B Collection Launch.

This is like a nightmare scene at some animal slaughterhouse where dead animals abound – bits of tiger, python boots (are those the same Ferragamo boots Solange wore last week to the Met Ball?) and a large side helping of tits?

Also present was the ghastly Perez Hilton, also wearing Cardi B collection.  

This is a man who runs a worst dressed of the week column. Physician heal thyself… Forget the purple Poseidon look and the bum bag, the generous gonadaget is making WTF shudder. Yurgle.

 

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Ruth-Anne Beckett. Just when you think that denim-abuse can get no worse, it does. And then some. Have a large sick bucket issue handy whilst inspecting the jean speedo sold by online retailer Shinesty known as the “jeado”, also known as the Daytona Dong Sarong. Easy now…..

These crimes against the eyeballs, not to  mention the goolies, are a blend of denim and spandex and cost $39 95. They are shocking. Shocking. And will no doubt cause a beastie yeastie. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments,  and don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Abortion, Alabama, Cannes Film Festival, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Royal Baby Special

Hallo Readers,

What can be more British than the birth of a Royal Baby? The whole thing is steeped in years of tradition. For example, hours after pushing out something the size of a football, the Royal Mother is supposed to appear on the steps of the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital Paddington, perfectly coiffed and made up in a fetching frock, Royal father by her side, and cradling the new infant before a swooning crowd of  journalists shouting inane questions. Saddoes from the shires sleep out for several days awaiting The Moment, and then cavort in front of the cameras swigging Prosecco and making a tit of themselves. Said baby, who looks like every other baby, only richer and in a more expensive blanket, has a ridiculous title conferred on him or her by the Monarch and is thenceforth known as Prince X or Princess Y or the Earl of Snodsbury. Moronic Sky News presenter Kay Burley runs around screaming ‘It’s a Boy’ or ‘It’s a Girl’, depending on whether it’s a boy or a girl. A collection of Royal Experts, posh women called Araminta and craggy chaps in Barbour jackets, pontificate on Royal etiquette, talking bollocks for hours at a time. And the arrival of the said baby is posted on an easel in the grounds of Buckingham Palace, even though everyone already knows about it because it is all they have heard about for the last 24 hours on TV, radio, newspapers and social media. This is what puts the Great into Great Britain. Allegedly.

This time, things took a slightly different turn. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, had a baby boy, but the place of birth was not made public. The proud parents did not appear in front of the cameras for two days, and when they did, the father carried the baby for a brief photocall inside Windsor Castle, whilst the mother wore her hair loose and looked pretty but tired. The baby is not going to have a title and is to be known as Archie Windsor. He looks like a baby. Only richer and in a more expensive blanket and a knitted hat. More to the point, one thing is decidedly different about young Archie. He is mixed race. What everyone really wanted to know was how dark was he? (Answer – it’s hard to tell). Because for all the celebration about Modern Britain and mixed marriage, the fact that the bride is (a) mixed race (b) American (c) an actress (d) divorced and (e) a feminist, means that she has been given a decidedly rough ride. She’s difficult, she’s demanding, she’s independent, SHE WON’T WEAR PANTYHOSE! Well she isn’t one of us, is she? She isn’t an English rose. She isn’t even rose-coloured. So prejudice creeps out. BBC broadcaster Danny Baker decided to tweet a ‘joke’ picture of two posh people accompanying a baby chimpanzee, with the tag ‘Royal Baby leaves hospital’. He later deleted it, tweeting ‘Once again. Sincere apologies for the stupid unthinking gag pic earlier. Was supposed to be joke about Royals vs circus animals in posh clothes but interpreted as about monkeys & race, so rightly deleted. Royal watching not my forte. Also, guessing it was my turn in the barrel.’  The apology, not that it was an apology, did not prevent his dismissal, and quite right too. Comparing a mixed race child to a monkey is a racist gag, and the National Broadcaster should not employ someone who thinks, even for one nanosecond, that it is funny. It is the same mindset that prompted football fans to throw bananas at black footballers during the 1980’s, a trend that is sadly making a comeback. And this is why for all the cooing and the gurgling and the public Prosecco, little Archie will never be regarded in the same way as his cousins, William and Kate’s children. Many parts of this country are not relaxed about a mixed race royal, whether mother or baby, because we are still a small-minded, petty, prejudiced, island people and Brexit is making it much, much, worse. Enjoy your son, Harry and Meghan. And enjoy your P45, Danny Baker. You earned it.

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This week’s sartorial survey sees us off to the Met Gala in New York. The theme this year was ‘camp’, as if this would distinguish 2019 from any other year. As we Jews ask on Passover ‘why is this night different from any other night?’ This Gala brought us a feast of utter nonsense, some of it awesome but insane, starting with WTF favourite,  actor Billy Porter, wearing The Blonds.

Do not adjust your eyeballs. This could not be any camper if Village People reformed and did a gig at New York Gay Pride. If only those wings really worked and he would fly far, far, away……

Girls actresses Jemima Kirke and Lena Dunham, both wearing Christopher Kane.

WTF admits to a sneaking admiration for Jemima’s outfit, like a bouncy black PVC beetle in a swim cap, but is a lot less keen on Lena’s ensemble, which gives the impression that she is being groped by a pervert in washing up gloves.

Beyoncé’s sister, singer Solange Knowles, wearing Ferragamo.

Solangé, as WTF likes to call her, is wearing a python nappy-jacket with a disturbing trompe l’oeil effect in the groin department, and hideous matching thigh boots. Many snakes have died in vain. Where is the RSPCA when you need them?

Actor and singer Jared Leto, wearing Gucci.

Cardinal Richelieu loses his head. And gains a new one.

Model Caroline Trentini, wearing Viktor & Rolf.

This is not camp, it is macabre. Viktor & Rolf seem to have been inspired by Walt Disney’s 1929 short, Silly Symphonies – Skeleton Dance.

Model and actress Emily Ratajkowski, wearing Peter Dundas.

Emily is wrapped in a silver cobweb loincloth with an imminent nip-slip. 

Singer Harry Styles and Gucci designer Alessandro Michele, both wearing Gucci.

Harry has borrowed his mum’s blouse and teamed it with some comedy trousers. As for Alessandro, if Jesus went to a fancy dress party as a Christmas cracker, this is what He would look like.

Model Gigi Hadid, wearing Michael Kors.

To mark the final series of Game of Thrones, Gigi turned up dressed as a White Walker.

Aspiring lawyer Kim Kardashian, wearing Mugler.

As WTF aficionado Ruth remarked, ‘she doesn’t even look human, she’s like a mannequin’. Either that or a giant caramel with tits just emerged from the shower….

Actor Cody Fern, wearing Maison Margiela.

Er….OK. This can best be described as man in tan suit (do you remember the trouble President Obama got into for wearing a tan suit?) and sky blue cowboy boots goes bank-robbing.

Diva Celine Dion, wearing Oscar de la Renta.

WTF could have lived with this yeti-meets-Las-Vegas-showgirl schtick had it not been so mingey…. what lurks beneath those tassels? And why do we even have to ask?

Vogue Editor-at-Large Hamish Bowles, wearing Maison Margiela.

Gonzo goes grand…..

Singer Katy Perry, wearing Moschino

There is lighting up a room and there is looking like a prat. Katy left looking like a prat behind some five miles back and is currently floating around in the stupid stratosphere.

And finally, actor Michael Urie wearing Christian Siriano.

If this doesn’t give you nightmares, nothing will. Michael has come as Ken AND Barbie.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Sarah from Southend-on-Sea,  who is indignant at the marketing of moisturiser for the post-menopausal minge. Over to you, Sarah…..

Watching crap TV last night, I nearly choked on an olive when confronted by an ad for menopausal moisturiser for one’s nether regions. Initially, I wondered why the viewers of ‘Wheeler Dealers’ would be interested in this (my excuse was that I had lost control of the remote when I went to get more wine). I then wondered why the know-it-all-but-perfectly-moisturised woman in the ad was about 30. Yes, 30. I know that can happen but it is hardly the core demographic. We want older ladies in vests with a cardigan looking very pissed off’.

WTF is in full agreement. It’s Got to Go.

 

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please send in your comments, which have been in somewhat short supply of late. Keep them coming or WTF gets into a panic that you don’t love her any more. And don’t forget your utterly splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump Jr, Duchess of Sussex, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Met Gala 2019, Politics, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Princess Diana, racism, Robin Williams, Royal Baby, Royal Family, Russia, Tonys 2017, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments