WTF Yes, No, Whoops, Special

Hallo Readers,

This week, there has been one question on everyone’s lips. What the fuck is going on? Donald Trump spent the week performing more reverse backflips than the Moscow State Circus, maintaining that he didn’t say what the Fake News Media said he did, and we all saw and heard him say, but if he did say it, he didn’t mean it, and when he said ‘would’, what he meant was ‘wouldn’t’, and it was obvious what he had meant, and everyone knew what he had meant, and anyone who said they hadn’t known what he meant was a liar and an enemy of the people. From which we are to understand that Russia did not meddle with the election, even though the Intelligence Services were all agreed that it did, and he has complete faith in his Intelligence Services and agreed with them that Russia did meddle, although maybe others had meddled, because there are a lot of people out there who also could have meddled, and anyway Putin was very convincing when he said that he didn’t meddle, but he still fully supports his Intelligence Services, and this is all down to the Fake News Media, and anyway what about Hillary’s emails? Perhaps when he said ‘I do’ to Ivana, and then to Marla, and then to Melania, what he meant was ‘I don’t’ and so he was never really married to any of them. Divorce lawyers, take note.  Furthermore, when his Press Secretary said that he and Putin had discussed the possibility of letting Russia ‘question’ Mike McFaul, Obama’s former Ambassador to Russia, and Bill Browder, a prominent Putin critic, for purported crimes, that Trump was considering the request and that she would let them know what he decided when he had decided it, what she really meant was that it was never going to happen and Trump had never been in favour of such a thing. The fact that the Senate voted 98-0 yesterday to forbid US citizens being extradited for such a purpose, was, of course, a sheer coincidence. 

What is happening is not just farcical, it is frightening. Frightening that the US President is either so stupid that he thinks he can handle Putin without any preparation or that he is totally beholden. Frightening that he attacks his allies, whom he describes as ‘foes’, whilst siding with Putin, whom he describes as a ‘competitor’. Frightening that he meets Putin with only interpreters present and no -one, including his own advisers, know what was said. Frightening that an overwhelming majority of registered Republicans think that he did a good job in Helsinki. Frightening that a large number of Americans either don’t know that he lies all the time or that they don’t care, or that, like when the no-goodnik boyfriend your friends warned you about turns out to be worse than they predicted, they stick with him anyway because they cannot bear to acknowledge that they backed a loser. Frightening that last night he invited Putin to the White House without consulting Dan Coats, the Director of National Intelligence, who first learned of it whilst being interviewed live on TV. Frightening that this mendacious, ignorant, lazy, arrogant, cunning, gas-lighting, compromised, oaf is able carry on in office, supported by a craven Congress and a pack of secretive, neo-Con billionaires feathering their nests. Please, God, make it stop.

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Last week’s fashion follies were sparse, but this week is a corker of crapulence. First up is model and WTF regular Heidi Klum, wearing Greta Constantine.

Heidi has been gift-wrapped, with a side order of tits and massive shoulders last seen on Linda Evans as Krystle Carrington in the 1980s TV series Dynasty. Dismal.

Meet model, actress and fashion blogger Rachel McCord, wearing a Dvonne top and  ‘skirt’ and Novosel Savic leather shorts.

The skirt is basically a plastic umbrella with the spokes removed. The top is a silvery mesh boob-bib, displaying not so much side-boob as boob-boob, a veritable accident waiting to happen.

Next, we have singer Rita Ora wearing who knows what?

Rita’s hair make her look like a Afghan hound with lipstick and that yellow thing over her bra resembles an undersized doggie lifejacket.  Woof.

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This is Queer Eye star Jonathan van Ness, wearing dungarees and appalling Chanel bootees.

The dungarees with a flash of torso are bad enough, an uber-gay remake of ‘Of Mice and Men’ but the perspex Chanel bootees, like a couple of white-tipped, high-heeled, condoms, passeth all understanding.

Yes, it’s celebritee Kim Kardashian again, this time wearing a 1992 vintage D&G Blazer dress.

This was meant to be a mini dress but there was not enough material to encompass Kim’s fake bum and to cover her crotch. Luckily, she has her usual lycra cycle shorts on. She wears them so often that WTF is starting to wonder whether they are not in reality a disguised truss. Kim’s boobs are about to make a break for the border, like Steve McQueen on his motorbike in The Great Escape.

And now a quintet of queasiness from the ESPYS Sports Awards. The first four are American footballers, the fifth is a basketball player, and they all look ridiculous.  First, New York Giants’ Odell Beckham Jr wearing Versace.

Odell and Rita clearly share the same hairdresser. He seems to have wandered onto the Red Carpet in his shorty pyjamas, and it is a wonder that he can hold his head up with the weight of that bling around his neck.

Next, we have Pittsburgh Steelers’ JuJu Smith-Schuster.

The wonky bow tie is reason enough for inclusion, but there is the half and half tartan suit, as if two of him have been cut in half and re-assembled, not to mention the monogrammed velvet loafers. 

Now we have Philadelphia Eagles’ Jalen Mills.

WTF laughed out loud on seeing this red three-piece suit sans shirt with too-short trousers and poncy, matchy-matchy trainers. He also seems to have a dead frog on his head.

There must be something in the water in Philadelphia. Here is Jalen’s teammate Rodney McLeod.

Is there a bye-law in Philadelphia prohibiting wearing shirts with suits? If so, it should be struck down as unconstitutional. and the same goes for the sparkly boots. Meanwhile, those trousers can be best be described as ‘snug’.

And finally, LA Lakers’ JaVale McGee wearing a flowery suit and a Gucci fannypack.

The suit is silly and his trousers have had a stand-up row with his ankles. As for the bag, WTF wholly concurs with the tweet from a JaVale fan observing, ‘I get that it’s Gucci or whatever but do you really gotta put that shit on your waist n all, u could’ve just left it in the car or some shit. That’s why they got Pockets for that stuff’.

To Paris, and actress Angela Bassett at the première of Mission Impossible, wearing Naeem Khan.

Angela is dressed as an inter-galactic cobweb with very squished tits; that metallic décolletage operates like a couture bacon slicer. Meanwhile, it is one thing to glimpse Angela’s black lingerie beneath the cobweb. It is quite another to have it fully exposed (on both sides), whether as a result of zipper failure or artifice, WTF cannot say. 

Finally, WTF aficionado Martyn, an enraged Scot, was rightly appalled by Lewis Hamilton’s kilt on the cover of August’s GQ, designed by Tommy Hilfiger, for whom Lewis is a ‘roving ambassador’.

This was worn as a purported apology to Lewis’s toddler nephew, whom he slagged off on Twitter last December for wearing a dress. Not only was public obloquy poured upon him, but he also leapt to the top of the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey 2017 Poll, winning by a wide margin. Here he is, the lovechild of a patchwork quilt and a fucking idiot.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from another WTF aficionado, Goody Bishop, who sent in these revolting pictures of duct tape as bikinis. Easy now. This is BAD.

 

How painful must it be to remove duct tape from your minge? Ouch! Every time you do this is like undergoing a full Brazilian. And how do you cover your bum? It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

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Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Chanel, Donald Trump Jr, ESPYs, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Football, Helsinki Summit, Politics, Uncategorized, Vladimir Putin, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

WTF Hello and Goodbye Special

Hallo Readers, 

Apparently Boris Johnson could not stomach Mrs May’s Brexit deal that he had apparently agreed to last Friday, saying it would be like trying to polish a turd. And? We had a turd as Foreign Secretary for two years. Johnson resigned on Monday afternoon, joining his fellow Brexiteer David Davis, Minister for Departing the European Union, in departing the implementation of Departing the European Union, stomping out of Government to lie dormant in the political undergrowth until one or the other or both can challenge May for the Leadership. Frankly, WTF will not miss either of them.  Johnson is a bloated, bumptious, braggadocios, oaf whose sole interest is himself and the advancement of his career. No wonder Donald Trump praised him and said he would make a great Prime Minister. They are both compulsive liars whose political strategies can  be summed up in three words – me, me, me. Johnson was the worst Foreign Secretary imaginable, the very antithesis of a diplomat – loud-mouthed, bombastic, lazy, uninterested in detail and a complete liability. Ask Nazanin Zagari-Radcliffe, who languishes in an Iranian prison thanks to his inability to master his brief.  As for Davis, it was unclear to WTF that he knew what his brief was, other than to appear in the media and laugh loudly at his own jokes.

Anyone can oppose something. The trick is to suggest something else instead. Something positive. Something that will work. Neither Johnson nor Davis can explain how we are to sell stuff in Europe if we are not part of a customs union, whether you call the bloody thing a customs union or a union of customs or a customs agreement. As Juliet remarked of Romeo’s name, ‘What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’. Neither Johnson nor Davis can explain what is to be done about the Northern Ireland border, as in whether there is to be one, and if so, how it is to be administered and what criteria, if any, will be used to allow people to get from one side to the other. They do not know the answer because these are insoluble problems.  The EU does not need us more than we need them.  They won’t just roll over and give us what we want, but to walk away without a deal is disastrous. And not only disastrous, but a total contradiction of the promises that everything would easily be agreed and it would be chocolate and cuddles. On the other hand, if we remain tied to Europe, even a little bit, all those people who wanted to reclaim the  sovereignty they actually already had will be up in arms. Johnson and Davis did not resign out of principle. Boris would not recognise a principle if it were gnawing at his entrails. They knew that they could not deliver, so they abandoned ship and left May to face the pompous arse that is Jacob Rees-Mogg and the sneering snake that is Donald Trump, who is here on a visit. This is a man who spent yesterday insulting May and referring to the UK as a ‘hotspot’ before flying to dine with her last night at Blenheim Palace, home of the Dook of Mawl-bow-row as CNN insists on calling him. Meanwhile an interview in The Sun, given on Wednesday but published last night, insisted that he had ‘told her how to do Brexit but she did not listen’ and that her version of Brexit would kill any trade deal with the United States. Apparently, they are so thick at the White House that they failed to grasp that an interview published in a Friday newspaper would be available the night before. He is lucky that May did not stab him repeatedly in the arm with a fork as they feasted on whatever it was they were feasting on in the Dook’s house. No jury on earth would have convicted.

There is an old Jewish joke. Hymie dies and goes to Heaven, where he meets God. God tells Hymie that He will grant him one wish because he has been such a good, caring, devout, man. Hymie instantly produces a map of the Middle East from his pocket and asks God to find a solution that would allow Israel and the Palestinians to live in peace. God replies that even though He is divine, the request is just too difficult, even for Him, and so He must decline. However, He gives Hymie another wish instead. Hymie produces a picture of his wife, Hetty. “Lord, he says, Hetty was a wonderful wife to me. I love her devotedly. Her chicken soup was the best in London. But oi, is she ugly. Please, Lord, make her good looking so she can find a nice new husband.” There is a long pause. Then God says, ‘Hymie! Please hand me that map again…..’

And that, Readers, is Brexit.  

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This week’s fashion follies are a bit sparse. It is summer, people. WTF does the best she can, but she can only work with what there is. Let us start with the afore-mentioned Theresa May and her husband Philip, greeting the Trumps at Blenheim Palace. Who knows who designed her dress. Melania is wearing J Mendel. Rather well.

Just like her policies, May’s dress simply does not fit. Anywhere. Not to mention that she is more hunched than Quasimodo. Is that rear split a not-so-subtle reference to the state of the Tories over Brexit? WTF does not know what was more frightening – Melania’s frozen face or the imminent possibility of glimpsing the Prime-Ministerial posterior. Philip May’s expression speaks for the Nation.

Next, we have singer Lily Allen out and about in Mayfair wearing Ganni and carrying a green Balenciaga bag.

If Kermit the frog went to a fancy dress party dressed as Princess Cadence from my Little Pony, this is what he would look like.

orincess cadence

Meet actor Nick Gonzalez at the premiere of Skyscraper.

Nick is lovely but that is a very nasty jacket, like a faded old tea towel, worn with manky jeans and bootees with no relation to anything else he is wearing.  Whoever advised Nick on his ensemble needs a slap, a P45 and another slap.

Here is actress Lena Dunham at a beauty event.

Look, it is hard to look good when someone has drawn all over you with a Sharpie.  But the dress is unflattering with her nipples likely to make an unscheduled appearance at any time, and the trainers are downright ugly.

Finally, MEP and newly elected Leader of UKIP, Gerard Batten, making an arse of himself at the European Parliament.

There is no nice way of saying this but WTF will say it anyway. Gerard is a twat and he is dressed as a twat and he is doing something extremely twattish involving balloons, having just twattishly attributed the creation of the European Union to the Nazis. The man sitting behind him sums up the situation perfectly.  WTF would like to take those balloons and shove them where the sun don’t shine. The jacket is in itself a contempt of Parliament.  And if it is is not, then it should be.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Annette, who has drawn attention to these appalling upside-down jean shorts.

 

Oh for Heaven’s sake, can we stop already with the innovative denim? What is left? Denim tampons? Enough already. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, David Cameron, David Davis, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Michael Gove, Politics, UKIP, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

WTF World Cup Special

Hallo Readers,

To everyone’s amazement, Engerland made it through a penalty shootout to the Quarter Finals of the World Cup, and will face Sweden tomorrow afternoon. We are all very excited, apart, that is, from the Scots, the Irish and the Welsh, nearly all of whom seem to hate us consumedly, and who, as WTF’s late (Russian) granny was wont to remark, would happily drown us in a thimbleful of water. Those who voted Leave, for reasons WTF has trouble grasping, consider that anyone who wants to Remain is a hypocrite and cannot simultaneously be patriotic and pro-European. Or something. Mind you, these are the same people who referred to dissident Tory MPs and Judges administering the law of the land as ‘enemies of the people’  and who believed that our path to Brexit would be strewn with roses and desperate Europeans offering us whatever terms we demanded, so what do they know?

No one would want to praise Putin for anything, unless named Donald J Trump, but this World Cup has been stonking. A country ruled by a autocrat with a penchant for punishing perceived transgressors means that riotous behaviour is frowned upon and almost all of our knuckle-dragging, one-braincell, supporters realised that a chair through a café window or a punchup would be a bad idea. In Russia, such conduct would not be a matter of being expelled and arriving back in Blighty with a blanket over your head, shouting incomprehensibly about wrongful arrest, but more a case of having the shit beaten out of you by large gentlemen with gimlet expressions and bulging biceps, before being shipped off to Siberia for a penalty spot of forced labour. Some pillock whose father was an equerry to the Queen Mother got thrown out for defacing a statue but otherwise it has been relatively peaceful, allowing us to concentrate upon the football and, more importantly, the shocking hairstyles and amateur dramatics of the players. So here are the WTF Footie Awards 2018:

Worst hairDomagoj Vida of Croatia. I mean, look at him. Shaven at the sides and a rat’s tail waving at the top of his head. There was some hot competition for this award, not least from the Japanese who had overdone it with the ginger highlights, and most South Americans who had picked up a bottle of toilet bleach and poured it over their heads with no consideration of the consequences.

Best suburban bank manager imitation –  it is of course our own Gareth Southgate, who, despite boiling temperatures, insists upon dressing in a three piece Marks and Spencer suit as if he were off to work on the 8 05 from Surbiton, although he does remove the jacket at the dugout.  He is a nice man, bless him, but he needs to take a size up. 

Worst-dressed WAG Annie Kilner (in the red, 2nd from the right). Annie, mother of three and girlfriend of Kyle Walker, absolutely nailed it in this clinging red jumpsuit with full cameltoe, a  peekaboo midriff and hair like Morticia Adams. Klassy. 

Most up-her-own-arse awardRebekah Vardy (above, far left). Becky, married to Leicester striker Jamie Vardy, let it be known that she feels the term ‘WAG’ is inappropriate, explaining ‘WAG is a dated term because we’re not defined by what our husbands do. We’re individuals.’ Becky was of course an international superstar before she married Jamie. Oh hang on……

Best actor –  There was of course, only one winner, Brazilian superstar Neymar. He is a sublime player, but he also behaves like a Grade A prick, rolling across the field as if shot from a cannon, writhing in agony and twisting into shapes that would not be attempted by an acrobatic dolphin and generally simulating injury in a way that makes you wish that someone would tread on his goolies just to teach him a lesson. Stand up, man, and get on with the game.

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Let us now turn to the fashion feculence of the week, starting with Karen Pence, Second Lady of the US, seen with horrible husband Mike.

More women in the US look like Karen than like Melania, whose face and body are more plastic than a stockroom of Barbies. However, Karen is small, short-limbed and big-busted, and so it was inadvisable to squeeze her embonpoint into a pink bandage, like a 1920s flapper trying – and failing – to flatten her breasts.

Those supposed slimming black panels down the side are betrayed by the belt. Memo to Karen. Belts accentuate a waist. They do not give you a waist if you do not have a waist to start with. And even if you do, it is not located two inches underneath your bosom. 

Three from the Logie TV Awards on Australia’s Gold Coast. First, TV journalist Leila McKinnon wearing Constantina Danis.

Leila is dressed as a human disco ball and the hair is worthy of any Brazilian player.

Next, we have Australian Ninja warrior and TV personality Jack Wilson, wearing not nearly enough.

Jack is more than entitled to celebrate his Aboriginal and Torres Island heritage, but walking the Red Carpet in budgie-smugglers, socks and sneakers is not the necessarily best way to do it. The whole point of smuggling is that people are not suppose to spot what it is you are smuggling. In Jack’s case, this is not so much a case of budgie-smuggling as budgie-liberating and the birdie is about to soar up and away.

And third, we have English singer Jess Glynne wearing ridiculous trewsies.

Jess is wearing leather trousers with a denim codpiece, doubtless inspired by Henry VIII.

To New York and actress Amy Adams wearing Stella McCartney at the premiere of her new movie Sharp Objects.

WTF has long held the view that Stella McCartney is taking the piss and here is further proof, not that proof were needed. The jacket does not fit, the trousers are an accident waiting to happen, and the bra, which is hideous, is (a) on show and (b) costs $160.

Next, model and presenter Heidi Klum out and about in New York, wearing something silly.

Ever one for multi-tasking, Heidi’s leggings perform the dual function of giving you thrush and an embolism, with the added bonus of leaving a lovely criss-cross pattern on your limbs, like the scoring on a joint of pork.

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Finally, celebritee Kim Kardashian, wearing husband Kanye West’s line Yeezy.

Credit to Kim for her loyalty to her spouse, but this is just crotch couture, Pussy in Boots. Why does she have a fanny-pack slung across her chest? And much worse awaits. Ready? You won’t be…..

Lycra cycling shorts worn with Musketeer suede boots.. Has she stuffed a couple of footballs down there? Yurgle.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF from Islington who is spitting feathers about horrendous professional Scouser, Esther McVey, still Secretary of State for Work and Pensions despite telling a blatant lie to the House of Commons.

McScouse told Parliament that a damning report from the National Audit Office about her flagship policy, Universal Credit, was based on out of date figures, despite her own department having signed off the very figures in the report. She refused to meet the NAO to discuss this porky, and so its splendidly named chief, Sir Amyas Morse, published his highly critical letter to her for all to see. Once upon a time, the lie would have ended her career, but this is 2018 and Ministers can now lie with impunity, as long as they sneak an insincere apology onto the record as soon as the shit hits the fan. The death of shame continues. She’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

 

 

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WTF Civility Special

 Hallo Readers,

Since the twin disasters of Brexit and Trump’s election, political discourse has sunk to depths previously accessible only to cavers, deep sea divers and submarines. Anything goes. Nothing is too rude or too unpleasant. Twitter has become a home for those who more properly belong in hospitals for the criminally insane. The President of the United States abuses his growing list of enemies with impunity, accusing them of everything from fraud to murder. The Conservative Foreign Secretary of the United Kingdom, in response to business disquiet over the Brexit negotiations, answers Fuck Business’. On both sides of the Atlantic, judges and the press are derided as ‘enemies of the people’, whilst people born inside and outside the countries they have lived in for decades are told to go home’. Last night, five people in a local newspaper office were shot dead in Annapolis, Maryland by a man apparently disgruntled after losing a defamation suit against it some years back. In this febrile atmosphere, when Breitbart correspondent, the poisonous Milo Yiannopoulous, said he was looking forward to vigilantes ‘gunning down journalists’, it is easy to envisage an occasion when the grudge would be political, not personal. Meanwhile, despite Yiannopoulos’ call and Trump’s repeated statements of contempt, not to mention his failure to do anything about gun control, his faithful little Fox News friend, Sean Hannity, lost no time blaming it all on Maxine Waters, the congresswoman who urged Democrats, wrongly in WTF’s view,  to ‘push back’ against Trump staff should they encounter them in public. Do not hold your breath awaiting his apology.

But here’s the thing, Readers. Democracy is a bastard because in upholding it, you are forced to put up with people you hate, views you despise, decisions you deplore and political outcomes you loathe. Your right of free speech is also others’ right of free speech. You find things they do and say offensive and they feel exactly the same about things you do and you say. What happens if you just stop tolerating them? You ban them from your restaurant because of their views. They stop you from staying over at their bed and breakfast because you are gay. Where does it end? White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked to leave the Red Hen restaurant in Virginia because the owner disapproved of her political views and moral values. Preposterously, Sanders has now been assigned round-the-clock security. However, she is entitled to go out to eat where she wants, just as anyone else is. You should not be ejected from a restaurant or a shop because you voted Remain or because you voted Leave or because you support or oppose the State of Israel or because you are for or against abortion. If you work as a police officer or a immigration official or a prison warden, your address should not be published online so that every madman with a grudge can beat down your door and terrorise you and yours. If you are a politician exercising your vote, or a judge ruling on a case, you are not an enemy of the people. If you are a journalist criticising the government, you are not,m as Trump suggested last weekend, ‘almost treasonous’. That is the cost of freedom. The people you hate have the same rights as you do. Live with it before we slide  further, inexorably, down the slippery slope. 

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We turn to the week’s review of fashion feculence and singer Harry Styles wearing Gucci.

WTF is not wild about Harry, particularly when he is poncing around in a bell- bottomed suit knocked up in the 1970’s by his granny from the remnants of some Laura Ashley Scottish thistle fabric. Worse still, what is going on with Harry’s crotch? Has his jockstrap slipped? Yurgle….

Next, we visit the BAM Cinema Fest in New York where we encounter actress Tessa Thompson, wearing Thom Browne.

It is rare for trousers to offer a built-in minge moment, but these ones do.

Look, if you want to wear trousers, wear trousers. Don’t fanny about with your fanny on show. This is the St Andreas Fault of trousers, with a gap where a gap should not be. Ever. 

To the Dior Homme fashion show in Paris and US basketball player Russell Westbrook, wearing Dior Homme. Yes, honestly.

Dior, my arse. He looks like the handyman posing in front of the set he has lovingly constructed, having cycled to work with his trousers tucked into his socks. There is painterly. And there is pratttish. This went past prattish some miles back and is currently docked at doolally.

Back in Blighty, we have the ghastly celebritee Lauren Goodger, wearing So Monroe.

Lauren’s decision to channel Kim Kardashian in clinging lycra shorts is misguided. Misguided as in driving your car whilst blindfolded is misguided; the results are messy and criminal in equal measure. Lauren’s fake boobs are like a couple of cantilevered barrage balloons, whilst the shorts, worn inexplicably with suede boots, are showing more cameltoe than an HD version of Laurence of Arabia, as well as a very sizeable arse. 

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This one should have been in last week when we covered the MTV awards but WTF unaccountably missed it. When you see it, you know that it has to go in. Here is actor Tommy Dorfman wearing Thom Browne.

WHAT??????????? Tommy may have a shapely pair of calves but that is no excuse for dressing as a transgender schoolgirl. This week, Thom Browne has given us a woman in suspender trousers and a man in a hockey skirt. Stop. It. Now.

To the (BET) Black Entertainment Television Awards, (always a horror show to rival the London Dungeon), where we meet singers Cassie wearing Michael Michalsky and Terrence J

Terrence looks fine, apart from the trainers. Cassie, however, looks as if she has put her head through the top of a tin can full of Christmas tinsel. And what are those white tit triangles all about? Baffling.

Here is rapper 2 Chainz, wearing a most remarkable ensemble by Gucci.

One can but conclude that Gucci is taking the piss. Big time. If Cassie is the tin of Christmas tinsel, 2 Chainz is the Christmas wrapping paper in this collarless excrescence with the trousers hovering around his ankles and hideous studded and tasselled loafers. But there are also the necklaces, the bracelets, the watch with more diamonds than Tiffany and of course, the knuckledusters. Don’t leave home without them…

More silver this time on celebritee and “entrepreneur” Blac Chyna, wearing Bryan Hearns.

Blac is wearing a couple of rag dolls’ heads on her chest with a double side helping of underboob and a table runner wrapped around her waist, emphasising an absence of panties and showcasing her tattoos. Classy. What a pity she and Rob Kardashian broke up. She would have fitted right in….

Finally, we have reality “star” Alexis Skyy, wearing Grayling Purnell.

CAREFUL NOW!

NIPPLES AHOY!!!

WTF has only one question. Whyy?

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh, who has drawn WTF’s attention to the Penis Pocket. This nonsense adorns a pair of chinos by Japanese company Gu (which owns Uniqlo), yours for only £15. 

You don’t actually put your pecker in the pouch, but you get the point. It is a 21st Century codpiece without the cod. It is silly, it is offensive and It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Annapolis, BET Awards, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Jo Cox, Paris Fashion Week, Politics, racism, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

WTF Kiddies Special

Hallo Readers,

Up until Wednesday evening, the USA was separating children from their would-be migrant parents in compliance with what we were assured was the law of the land. Attorney-General Jeff Sessions, the malignant hobgoblin, assured us that not only is it the law, but the Bible insisted that the law must be obeyed. Sarah Sanders, the sarcastic White House Press Secretary, agreed. President Trump went further. Not only is it the law, but it is the Democrats’ law. Except it isn’t a law at all. There is no law insisting that children be separated from their parents. And even if it is the law, which it isn’t, other Presidents, both Democrat and Republican, have not implemented it. This Administration, however, is applying a policy introduced by the hobgoblin in April to deter illegal migrants (i.e. brown people), from entering in the USA by taking their kiddies away. Except that Nordic ice maiden Kirstjen Neilsen, Secretary for Homeland Security, says that it is not a policy. So there may or may not be a policy enforcing what is or is not a law. In any event, even if there is a policy to enforce a law, the hobgoblin, the Nordic ice maiden, sarcastic Sarah and Trump were all clear that only the Congress could change the law and that the President could not do so by Executive Order. The Democrats had only to agree to fund the wall, you know, the one that Mexico was going to pay for, and all would be well.

On Wednesday night Trump signed an Executive Order to change the law. From now on, kiddies will not be taken from their parents and they will all be locked up together. Except there IS a law that children may not be detained for more 20 days, so then what happens then? Are the children to be removed again? Meanwhile, the Executive Order makes no provision for the 2,300 children currently detained away from their parents, and no one has been able to explain, because they have no idea, how they are to be reunited with their families, let alone when. Trump’s view is that anyone coming across the border is an actual or future member of the M S 13 gang, and that crafty lawyers have told the kids to utter the magic phrase ‘I want asylum’. Considering that some of these kiddies are only a few months’ old and cannot speak at all, whichever lawyer managed to teach them that phrase should patent the process immediately because it is some achievement. Or maybe the kids are just super-smart and worthy of one of those Einstein visas reserved for special geniuses – you know, like Melania Trump.

The hobgoblin now Says there was no policy to separate children and parents, despite previously saying the opposite. Trump continues to insist that zero tolerance is essential because of the migrant crisis, despite immigration numbers actually falling. The Nordic ice maiden is humiliated and clearly has no idea what the hell is going on. And to add to the air of total farce, yesterday Melania Trump flew down to the Texas border on an unannounced visit, wearing a khaki Zara $39 parka bearing the message ‘I really don’t care. Do U?’  Actually, love, yes. We do care. A lot. Your message was offensive. You are offensive. Your husband is offensive. His Administration is offensive. His policies are offensive. His supporters are offensive. And the sooner you are all gone, the better.

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We start the week’s sartorial survey with HRH Duchess of Sussex wearing Oscar de la Renta.

Meghan has wrapped herself in a Wedgwood bedspread, her hair is a mess and she has stuck some crumpled toilet paper on her head and called it a hat. 

Football pundit Ian Wright on TV, wearing something truly terrible.

Twitter rose up as one to condemn this ghastly shirt which caused extensive retinal damage to those tuned in to Sunday’s ITV’s coverage of the World Cup. Not only does it have flamingos all over it, it is the colour of a pureed frog.

Singer Ellie Goulding at the Serpentine Summer Party in London’s Hyde Park wearing Jacquemus.

This is the problem with linen. It creases. Ellie’s dress is more creased than Tommy Lee Jones’ forehead and it costs £630, which is a load of cash for  a bit of crumpled cloth. And that thing over her cleavage looks like her dinner napkin is still tucked in….

To LA and Momager Kris Jenner wearing Akris, with her daughter Kim Kardashian wearing a Jacquemus shirtdress and a Rick Owens skirt. They were attending a Business of Fashion Forum. Oh, the irony….

Kris appears to have removed the curtains from her grandchildren’s bedroom and turned them into a pantsuit, worn with white pointy bootees like a pair of KKK hoodies. Kim never ventures out of doors without flashing her tits. However, environmentalists have clearly found a use for recycled plastic bottles littering the beaches. They have all gone into Kim’s face, bum and chest.

EPS-waste

Now we find ourselves at the MTV Movie & TV Awards and a number of shocking outfits starting with actor Chadwick Boseman, wearing Off-White.

This is from Off-White’s Impressionist collection. WTF’s impression is that Chadwick looks like a beginner’s guide to Monet.

And then there was rapper Justina Valentine wearing Nene La Shiro.

She looks like she has been burnt alive with the ashes covering her nips.

Next we have  singer Halsey, wearing Julien Macdonald.

This is another of those fancy bandages masquerading as a dress and is typical of Julien Macdonald’s frocks,  i.e. tawdry and putting onlookers in fear of an imminent minge moment. As for Halsey, she looks as if someone has scribbled on her with an indelible laundry pen.

The last of our MTV horrors is in the shapely shape of Australian swimwear model Liv Pollock, wearing something quite unspeakable. The designer is staying anonymous. Good call.

Liv is making an early bid for the Christmas Turkey 2018. These trousers, not that they are trousers, are possibly the worst trousers in the history of trousers, basically doo-dah drapes which ventilate your vag and show off your tan line. Team with a boob-bandage showing visible nipple activity, and you’re good to go.

Here we are in London at the Diva Awards (no, me neither), where we meet singer Gareth Gates, seen here with his partner, soap actress Faye Brooks.

Faye is wearing traditional soap star attire, i.e. tight and titsy (this one is by House of CB) and a pair of hideous suede platform hooves. But the real offender here is her partner, who is also making an early bid for the Christmas Turkey 2018 in this crushed velvet suit. Gareth is putting the breasted into double-breasted by baring his chest with his artfully-disarranged black shirt, whilst his trousers hover high above his ankles, as if in a holding pattern whilst waiting to land. 

 

AND NOW!!! THE WINNER OF THE WTF SUMMER STINKER POLL 2018 IS

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MOSCHINO DESIGNER JEREMY SCOTT!!!!

Jeremy pinstripe

No, look at him. What a pillock…….. It was a fight to the finish between him and Rihanna and Gillian McKeith putting in a creditable performance to come third. But Jeremy is obviously a worthy winner.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado @Nabiganji who has highlighted this utterly vile Donald Trump ‘shocked face’ tracksuit. Should you be raving mad, you can buy it on the Getonfleek website for only $99 (reduced from $149.)

Of course, Donald Trump has got to go, period. But having his open mouth on your genitals – in public? Even Stormy Daniels did it in private, and she’s a porn star. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Immigration, MTV Movie Awards 2018, Politics, Royal Wedding, Stephen Miller, Stormy Daniels, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

WTF Summer Stinker 2018

Hallo Readers, 

Yes, it is that time of the year AGAIN!!! I refer to the WTF Summer Stinker 2018 where 16 appalling fashion horrors await your judgment as to who deserves the coveted prize for the worst dressed person of the year so far. The contestants are all arranged in first name alphabetical order, denoting no preference on WTF’s part because everyone looks like a sack of shit – and this is being kind. All you have to do is to select as many horrors as you want (none of that Single Transferable Vote malarkey here) and vote away, as often as you like, and, should you choose to do so, leaving unpleasant comments to go with your votes. The results will be announced on Friday 22 June in next week’s blog.

Meanwhile, WTF is restating some basic WTF fashion rules because she cannot stand to see the same errors again and again. 

Women

1. There is never any excuse for a Minge Moment. 

2. It is sadly the fact that the fatter the leg, the shorter the skirt. THIS IS BAD. 

3. Bum cheeks should not be on display. Ever.

4. Your boobs are not tip top over a certain age and need a bra. You will know when that is. It is when they do not stand up on their own.

5. If you are big, strapless is not your friend. It leads to back tits and spilth. Desist. 

6. Breasts are not supposed to be globular.

7. Underwear is not outerwear.  The clue is in the name.

8. Leggings are not trousers. See no 3 above. 

Men

1. If your jacket is so short it barely covers your bum, it is too short – unless you are a bell-hop or a tango dancer.

2. If your jacket does not fit when buttoned up, it is too small. Take a size up.

3. If your trousers hover high above your ankles, you will look Silly. Fact.

4. Men wearing brogues without socks is inexcusable.

5. Men wearing socks and sandals is also inexcusable. 

6. If men are to display their feet in sandals or flip-flops, GET A PEDICURE. Crusty feet and cracked heels are horrible to behold.

7. Trainers should not be worn with a suit. Ever.

And for both sexes:

People are not supposed to be orange. Yes, I mean you Donald J. Trump. 

OK READERS OFF YOU GO!!! GET VOTING! VOTE EARLY AND VOTE OFTEN! AND SPREAD THE WORD!!!!!

Here they are:

1. Adam Rippon, Olympic gold medal swimmer, wearing Moschino.

Adam turned up at the Oscars looking like the Gimp from Pulp Fiction, courtesy of Moschino designer Jeremy Scott (of whom, more below) who ‘customised’ his suit. Further, if sporting bare ankles with a DJ is not a capital offence, then it should be.

2Bleona Quereti, singer, wearing who knows what.


Albanian songstress Bleona specialises in turning up at big occasions (in this case, the Vanity Fair Oscars party) wearing not very much; but this time, she gave the barrel a final scrape and came out with her nips on show under a sparkling fishing net.

3. Dascha Polanco, actress, wearing who knows what.

Dascha attended the BeautyCon event in New York dressed as Sesame Street’s Elmo in a frilly skirt and oversized white bra. The only question more pressing than ‘why would anyone wear this?’ is ‘why would anyone design this?’

4. Frankie Grande, dancer, (seen here with Erika Jayne) wearing who knows what.

The last time WTF saw legs like that, they were on Popeye. Everything here is execrable, from the badger’s bum hair to the silver DJ with wonky bow tie to the terrible trainers. And his exposed limbs are more orange than an orange.

5. Gillian McKeith, TV nutritionist, wearing who knows what.

Gillian was cruelly robbed of the coveted WTF Christmas Turkey 2017 by Lewis Hamilton, who nipped in at the last bend following some ill-considered remarks about his toddler nephew wearing a dress. So here she is again, wearing something equally as horrible as last year’s effort, and resembling a dusty cobweb in the corner of a haunted house, teamed with a lace waistcoat and some of the ugliest shoes ever to hit the last.

6. Isabella Rossellini, actress, wearing  Dolce & Gabbana.

Why the lovely Isabella allowed Dolce & Gabbana to wrap her in the lovechild of an opera poster and a cardinal’s cassock, WTF cannot say, but she can say with every confidence that it was a cardinal error. And then some….

7. Jeremy Scott, designer, wearing Jeremy Scott.

Only the ridiculous Jeremy Scott could turn a pinstriped suit jacket into a breast-baring toga worn with a falconry glove and sunglasses worn indoors.

8. Joy Villa, would-be politician, wearing something of her own design.

Joy was principally known for turning out at big-ticket events wearing something extremely stupid. She then became a Trump acolyte and took to the Alt-Right like a fish to water, as evidenced by her white ball gown hand-painted with a foetus and matching handbag in a Right To Life slogan.

9. Lady Gaga, singer, wearing Gareth Pugh.

Lady Gaga prowled the streets, not wearing leopard but actually as one, complete with leopard leggies and furry paws. Grrrrrhhhhhhh……

10. Nico Tortorella, actor, wearing who knows what.

WTF does not even know what to say about this get-up, a sort of brocade one-sleeved ensemble that the Queen might have worn (but with two sleeves) 50 years ago, and matching brogues.

11. Nya Lee, stripper turned rapper, wearing Agent Provocateur.

Well, WTF says ‘wearing’ …..there are people wearing more clothes on the beach.

12. Patrick Starr, makeup guru and YouTube star, wearing who knows what.

Thighs like that should be covered up. Very covered up. Like behind a heavy curtain with the lights turned off. The whole thing is very Widow Twanky…

13. Rihanna, singer, wearing Y/Project.

This is just very, very, silly, a shit-coloured Turin shroud with top boots like something worn by D’Artagnan. Only he had pantaloons underneath his and his top was not translucent.

14. St Vincent, singer, wearing St Laurent.

St Vincent appeared at the Grammys dressed as a Playboy Bunny savaged by a rabid dog, one ear hanging limply by her waist. The minge triangle is plain offensive.

15. Solange Knowles, singer, wearing Iris van Herpen.

Solange went to the Met Ball dressed as a patron saint of melted plastic, as if lately escaped from a fire. The results were not good. Not good at all.

16. Victoria Clay, model, wearing Lasula Boutique.

Victoria is redefining the word ‘underboob’ in a body with not nearly enough fabric and some uncomfortably crotch-cuddling, striped trousers. The body costs £17. One must sadly conclude that Victoria overpaid…..

OK, Readers. Get voting…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WTF Somewhere Over the Rainbow Special

Hallo Readers,

A border is a thing that marks the difference between your land and someone else’s land. That is yours, this is mine. It might be a fence or a wall or a river; it might be barbed wire or just a sign that says “you are now in Scotland” or “welcome to Wiltshire”.  Sometimes, you can just wander from one place to another or from one country to another without a problem, whether you are in a car or driving a bloody great lorry full of widgets. And sometimes you can’t. Welcome to Brexit.  Here’s the thing. The UK is leaving the EU. Northern Ireland is leaving the EU because the UK is leaving the EU. The Republic of Ireland is not leaving the EU. Which means that one part of the island of Ireland is going to be in the EU (their bit) and one bit is not (our bit). So how do we keep those foreigners in their bit out of our bit? What if those foreigners arrive in their bit of Ireland and then try and cross the border into our bit and thence to the mainland? Where there used to be barbed wire and body searches and queues and soldiers waving their guns at you, now you can just pop across from our bit to their bit and back again and they can do the same. The people in our bit don’t want to return to the old days, and nor do the people in their bit. But then what happened where foreigners try to get in to the UK from their bit into our bit? No one knows the answer. That is because no one had ever considered the question. That is because no one realised that there was a question. Certainly not David Davis, the Secretary of State for Brexit, who this week threw a hissy fit and threatened to resign from the Cabinet unless some definite date was set for us to regain control of our own borders and impose our own tariffs and take our country back. There is only one problem with Davis’ ultimatum. He has no solution. Nothing. Nada. 

And so we have to hang around in the customs union until a time somewhere over the rainbow when a solution is miraculously conjured up by the political equivalent of Mr Magic the Magic Man. This will involve developing some technology, which no one has actually invented yet, so that seagulls will be equipped with cameras. Anybody even a little bit Irish will be able to drive or walk or cycle across the border quite freely because the seagulls will be able to detect their Irishness and send messages in morse code to the border officials hidden in dugouts; whereas Fritz from Frankfurt with his lorryload of lager or Woyzek from Warsaw, hoping to sneak across the border and thence to London to carry out some cut price plumbing, will be identified and stopped and fined and surcharged and all sorts. And everyone will be happy. Or something.

Meanwhile Boris Johnson whose mouth and whose brain have no obvious connection, was caught on tape bemoaning the fact borders were getting in the way of Brexit. “It’s so small and there are so few firms that actually use that border regularly, it’s just beyond belief that we’re allowing the tail to wag the dog in this way. We’re allowing the whole of our agenda to be dictated by this folly.”  He is also concerned that “we may not get the Brexit we want”,  i.e. one where we can just bugger off without worrying about silly little inconveniences like customs unions and borders and being able to lie your head off to the British people without having to substantiate it, where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, and bluebirds fly. His solution? Apparently Mrs May should emulate Trump in her negotiating style. Ye Gods….

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We start our review of the week’s fashion follies at the British Soap Awards where horror is always in abundance. This is a good example, in the shape of Emmerdale actress Jessica Ellis, wearing Hart Work.

Joseph has a coat of many colours but at least he did not team it with a purple tunic with seams more puckered than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm, and a bad Cleopatra haircut.

This is Coronation Street villain Connor McIntyre.

WTF has not watched Corrie for years as it has more homicides than a feature-length version of Midsomer Murders. How does any resident ever manage to get life insurance? Their premiums must be astronomical. But I disgress. The real criminal is whoever designed this appalling turmeric yellow velveteen suit, like a cheap sofa, looking even more horrible against the Red Carpet, and inexplicably teamed with baby blue trainers.

Also from  Corrie, we have actress Lucy Fallon wearing designer to the soap stars, Zeynep Kartel.

She should have borrowed Connor’s blue trainers. So ill-fitting and creased is the dress that draping a net curtain over it will not do. Frankly what is needed is a blackout curtain….

We pass by Nashville and the Country Music CMT Awards, where we meet singer Granger Smith.

This is obviously the singing Walton, the one who works in the fish market. And is totally half-witted.

To the CDFA Awards and young model Kaia Gerber,wearing Alexander Wang.

Kaia is 16 and presumably still growing, a waif-like version of her supermodel mother Cindy Crawford. Alexander Wank has dressed her in a shirt that makes her look like an extra from Escape from Alcatraz and a pair of gentlemen’s under-crackers with her skinny little legs encased in black tights. She is cuter than cute but even she cannot make this look good.

And at the same event, singer Ciara wearing Monse.

Ciara looks as if she has been caught in an explosion which has ripped the shoulders off her DJ, leaving only a fragment covering her boobs, as round as a couple of bagels. Meanwhile, appalled onlookers have been left in fear of an imminent minge moment. If Monse must to leave her with nothing but a faux shirt under the jacket, at least let it cover the crotch…..

This is fashion guru and designer Tan France from Netflix’s series Queer Guy. 

As far as WTF can see, Tan has come dressed as the UPS guy from Legally Blonde.

legally blonde

Finally, to the iHeart radio event and singer Meghan Trainor wearing Off-White.

WTF hates split trousers almost above all things, because they are as much use as a waterproof teabag. If a judo fighter in kinky boots went to a fancy dress party dressed as a flamingo, this is what she would look like. Matters are not improved by the pink turd on her head.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes (yet again)  from WTF aficionado Sue Peters who has come up with this appalling Balenciaga thing purporting to be a ‘t-shirt shirt’. Yes, really….

If you are totally raving mad, you can buy this price of dreck for – wait for it – £935!!!!!!! To maximise the cost per wear, you can wear the shirt bit at the back or at the front, but you will look like a total twat either way. Whatever they were paying that poor model, it was not enough. The whole outfit has very definitely Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday for your WTF Summer Stinker 2018. Be good x

 

 

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, CDFA 2018, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Country Music Awards, David Davis, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Politics, Scotland, Theresa May, TV Soap Awards, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments