WTF Outski Special

Hallo Readers,

The Equalities and Human Rights Commission is a statutory body which does what it says on the tin. It spent 18 months looking into whether the Labour Party, led by Jeremy Corbyn, broke the Equalities Act 2010. On Thursday, having looked at 70 sample complaints of antisemitism, it concluded that it had, and found that:

  • Two officials of the Party, Ken Livingstone and Pam Bromley, harassed members of Jewish origin in comments they had made. However, this was only ‘the tip of the iceberg’. Because they were officials, the Labour Party is legally liable for their actions.
  • There were 18 other ‘borderline’ examples of antisemitic behaviour from people, where there was not enough evidence to show that they were acting as officials for the Party.
  • There were other numerous examples of antisemitic conduct by ‘ordinary’ Labour members who were outside the control of the Labour Party in law;
  • Head Office had interfered with the conduct if 23 complaints,  i.e. almost one third of them;
  • The disciplinary system was a mess, and previous recommendations had been ignored.
  • The Party leadership had showed. ‘a lack of leadership within the Labour Party on these issues, which is hard to reconcile with its stated commitment to a zero-tolerance approach to antisemitism.’

For some time, Corbyn supporters had maintained that this was not about antisemitism at all, it was about hatred of Corbyn and suppression of anti-Zionism, and that Jews saying otherwise were just pretending to be upset in order to get Corbyn, because they were Tory, Blairite, Zionist, shills and probably getting paid by the Rothschilds or George Soros. And even after the EHRC  produced its report, they are still saying it. yes, there may be little bit, an infinitesimal bit, of antisemitism, which of course is very bad, BUT…followed by every sort of conspiracy theory and what-about-ery trotted out. Muslims are badly treated! People of colour are badly treated! That was no doubt true, but when they complain about it, they are not accused of trying to bring down the party or being paid to say so. Any more than all women complaining about sexual harassment are doing it for an ulterior motive…..

Corbyn, still in denial, put out a statement admitting there had been some  antisemitism but maintaining that it was greatly exaggerated ‘for political purposes inside and outside the Party’. and got suspended as a result. And he had tried to stop it but had been stopped from stopping it conveniently forgetting that when some Labour staffers alleged the opposite on Panorama, and had been called liars by the Party, they sued and the case was settled in their favour. Whoops.) And so yet again, war is about to break out again. But what might have helped yesterday was some sort of recognition from the man that his failure to do enough, to say enough, to look as though he actually meant it when he did say something, helped foster the toxicity, where MPs, particularly women MPs, had received death threats and physical threats and vile abuse and were hounded out of the party. Of course, there is a difference between anti-Zionism and antisemitism.  But read the damn report. Because blaming British Jews for the actions of the Israeli Government is as offensive as blaming all Muslims for the vile murders in Nice and the teacher in Paris – and it is antisemitic. Because maintaining that the world is run by a vicious cabal of Jewish bankers and media owners is antisemitic. Because denying the Holocaust, and telling Jews that Hitler was right, is antisemitic. Because assuming that Jews are all rich and selfish and venal and heartless is antisemitic. And until that mindset changes, Labour will never move on.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam with actress Tracee Ellis Ross, wearing Loewe. She was en route to appear on Jimmy Kimmel.

Tracee and Jimmy could both fit into one of those legs. If Ali Baba went to a black tie party, this is what he would look like.

Next up, we have singer Rosalía out and about in New York, wearing Balmain.

Balmain is pushing this logoed nonsense very hard, and stars various have been photographed in it, including Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian, but Rosalía actually went out in public, thereby inflicting severe damage on New Yorkers’ eyeballs and gag reflexes. It is very unflattering around the crotch and she seems to have forgotten to remove the hanger from inside the top.

Meet young actress Emma Corrin, soon to be seen as St. Diana of Landmines in series 4 of The Crown. She is wearing Cecilie Bahnsen for an Elle photoshoot.

WTF could have lived with the juxtaposition of the flopping bananarama dress and Prisoner of Cell Block H warder’s brogues, but for the life of her, she simply cannot understand why Emma’s tits have their own sunglasses.This next one is just terribly, terribly, terrible. Here is celebritee Chloe Ferry of Geordie Shore infamy, wearing (as per bloody usual) not enough. Careful how you go…….

Chloe, who is parading the streets in a Minge Moment condom and a Daenerys Tagaryan wig, has had more plastic surgery than those World War 2 pilots burned to bits when their planes crashed; sadly the effect on her face is not dissimilar. There is a fish swimming around in an ocean somewhere missing its lips….

And this is what Chloe looked like before going under the knife….

Now we have another newcomer to this blog, model Ella Baig wearing Jessica Baah. Well, I say wearing….

Ella’s chief, if not only, claim to fame is that she is the girlfriend of Olympic boxer and current Strictly contestant Nicola Adams, and she is milking the opportunity. In this case sporting a Mingerama net curtain and bare buttocks.

We’ve missed actor Jared Leto of late and so it is good to have him back, clad, as he is always is, in head-to-toe Gucci. Scroll down carefully as it gets worse and worse as you go….

Those socks! They cost £115 and the sandals £275. They are both putrid, as are the spangly shirt (£700) and the matching shorts (£600). If Merlin went metal detecting, this is what he would look like. ….

 

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado  Honsa from West London, who spotted this horror in the shop window of DSquared2 in Conduit Street, Mayfair. 

Those are probably the world’s smallest shorts. Even one of the Seven Dwarves would struggle to fit into them. They are made of alpaca and the scratchiness of the fabric together with the tightness of the fit mean that anyone who is mad enough to spend £350 on them will be in a quandary whom to call first, her overdraft manager or Canesten. Ouch. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments – there were no comments at all last week and WTF was beside herself with worry that you don’t love her any more (Needy? Moi?). Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

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WTF Hunter Special

Hallo Readers

In The Pink Panther, an infuriated Chief Inspector Dreyfus tells his bungling subordinate, Inspector Clouseau, that Clouseau had failed to prevent a major jewel heist because he had not spotted that a beggar had in fact been the  lookout. Clouseau is aghast. ‘He was blind! How can a blind man be a lookout?’. To which Dreyfus explodes in reply ‘How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!’ 

WTF has a similar question. How can a legally blind man repair computers? And here is another question. Why would Hunter Biden, a rich man resident in California, fly 2,781 miles from his home in Los Angeles to Wilmington, Delaware with three water damaged MacBooks, take them to the aforesaid legally blind repairer (who is also a staunch Trump supporter and conspiracy theorist AND IS CALLED MAC), leave one of them with him, and then fly 2,718 miles home without it? And here is a third question. Why would he never collect it? His parents live in Wilmington. One of them could have popped in to collect it, or perhaps sent a minion for it. And here is a fourth question. What would the Trump-loving  repair man then hack into the computer’s hard drive, make copies of emails, saucy photos, and other such, send one to the FBI and the other, just weeks before the US election, to Donald Trump’s lawyer, swivel-eyed lunatic Rudy Giuliani? And if you believe that all of those questions have reasonable answers, here is a fifth question. Are you completely insane?

Just as Hillary Clinton had everything thrown at her in 2016, including allegations of murder, running a paedophile gang out of the basement of a Washington pizzeria (which does not, it happens, have a basement) and other crimes various, Trump is accusing Biden of corruption and criminality, mostly through the medium of Hunter, a former crackhead, who, admittedly without any real qualifications in the oil industry, was appointed to the board of a Ukrainian oil company, Burisma, on $$$$$$$ a week – this while his father, Vice-President Joe Biden, was in office. To date, no one has proved Joe did anything wrong, even a ludicrous Senate Committee which concluded that, er, they had no evidence of corruption. But Trump is not one to let that bother him, especially as the polls show him sinking like the Titanic. So he and Guiliani and their little band of brothers continue to assert that the emails (which have not been verified as genuine, as Guiliani is withholding the hard drive) are proof positive that this is the biggest political scandal ever since the last biggest political scandal ever (alleged spying on the Trump campaign, which turned out not to be a scandal after all).

The play is clear. Trump does not want to talk about the 220,000 who have died in the Covid pandemic. Or about why he has not produced a healthcare plan, despite his frequent assurances over the past four years, that he has one – like Billy Bunter’s postal order, it is always just about to come, but it never seems to arrive. Or about his policies, were he to be re-elected. It is much easier to tell lies about Biden (who is apparently going to abolish God and religion, despite being a staunch Catholic) and to complain about fake news, and to hold rallies for the morons who gobble this stuff up before they succumb to the virus caught at one from Trump’s super-spreader, maskless, overcrowded, events  and expire in an overcrowded ICU with Trump’s big, beautiful, ventilators going bleep, bleep, bleeeeeeeep…. As Obama observed on Wednesday, it is just so exhausting. Please, please, US voters. On or before 3 November, just make it stop.

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We start our review of the week’s clothing cockups with Strictly Come Dancing judge Motsi Mabuse, wearing Alex Perry.

WTF is getting retina fatigue just looking at Motsi, who for some unfathomable reason, is dressed as the orange sweet in the Quality Street Christmas tin.

Next up we have young marrieds, singer Justin Bieber and model Hailey Baldwin Bieber.

This is a rare sighting of Mme Bieber because she is not flaunting her bellybutton; instead, she is wearing  a couple of ripe aubergines on her legs. The shoes are gorgeous, although rather large. As for her spouse, he has reverted to the ridiculous dropped crotch look, which creates the inalienable impression that he has done a massive whoopsie in his night nappy.

Meet celebritee and model Jordyn Woods, Kylie Jenner’s best friend, wearing something from her own collection for Pretty Little Thing.

Jordan bolted out of nowhere to be everywhere, including, allegedly, in the bed of her best friend’s sister’s babyfather. Whatever it is, it looks like a nightie. And it gives us far too much of an eyeful of Jordan’s arse-cheeks, which would be better kept under wraps.

Here is director John Waters at the Rome Film Festival, wearing a most remarkable suit.

Yurgle. This has been stitched together from a set of ancient tea towels, made more offensive by the matching Sketchers, specially selected for the bunioned foot of the late middle-aged. But most disturbing is that smudge of a pencil moustache, like a smear remaining after consuming a stick of liquorice.

Here is actress and shoe designer Sarah Jessica Parker outside her shoe emporium in New York, wearing a thing by Hanifa, and some of her own footwear. Oh, and black panties.

You can call it whatever you want, but this is a slanket, the sort of thing you buy online from Amazon for £39.99.  Hanifa’s version costs £159 and unlike the voluminous slanket, it shows your panties when you walk.

Now we have British rapper Steflon Don, emerging from elegant Chinese eatery, Hakkasan in London.

Hakkasan is deeply delicious and horribly expensive, and patrons have the right to tuck into their Peking Duck with Heritage caviar (£320) without catching sight of Stef with everything hanging out and flopping about. If boxer Jack Johnson went out for posh nosh wearing a bra and a pink silk cagoule, this is what he would have looked like.

Finally, we have singer Noah Cyrus, sister of  Miley Cyrus, at the CMT 2020 Awards, wearing not enough.

What is it with those Cyrus sisters and their obsession with Minge Moments, real or faux? And yes, I’ve used this before, but here it comes again. As Cheese observed in Tin Men, WTF’s favourite film, ‘there’s definitely some sort of sickness that runs in that family…..

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington. Of course she thinks that Donald Trump has got to go on 20 January 2021.  But his makeup/makeup artiste has got to go well before that…

Trump used to be more orange than an orange, something he blamed on the effect of environmentally -correct LED light bulbs. But now he is burnt umber and is the colour of one of those bedpans you see hanging on the walls of country pubs. Nothing and nobody has a face that colour, and if you look closely, his crinkles and hair line are snowy white, which means that his isn’t that colour either.


No, WTF cannot stand it any more. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments, which have been a bit sparse recently. You know WTF frets when that happensLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

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WTF It’s A Result Special

Hallo Readers,

Never say that Britain is not a place of opportunity. Because it is not true.  It does not matter whether you are untalented. It does not matter whether you or your company has a history of serial failure. It does not matter whether your company has no history at all. You could receive a very lucrative contract, courtesy of Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers. And if you mess it up, do not grieve – like London buses, there is another contract on its way, even better than the previous one…. 

European law stipulates that public bodies must put contracts out to tender. But that rule does not apply in an emergency, and we are in the middle of one hell of an emergency. And so contracts for PPE and Track and Trace can be awarded without tendering, which means that a number of companies have held their aprons open to catch the golden eggs. A few weeks ago we considered the case of Ayanda Capital, an investment company registered in Mauritius with no experience of PPE, not even of any kind, which ended up with an order for £160m of face masks. Sadly, the face masks were unusable.   The original contract was awarded to a person called Andrew Mills who advises the Board of Trade, chaired by Liz Truss, Secretary of State for International Trade.  Mills then asked for the contract to be transferred from his little £100 company to Ayanda, to which he was a senior board adviser. Now we learn of TAEG Energy, which got orders for £50m worth of hand sanitiser. The company has one director and four employees and works out of a farmhouse near Hitchin in Hertfordshire. Another company, Meller Designs, which normally designs and makes fragrances and homewares for M&S, has managed to land several contracts for PPE to a value of some £140m. It is of course a complete coincidence that the owner of Meller is a Tory donor.

And then there is Serco, paid millions to run the Track and Trace system, a project which has been cocked up royally, failing either to track or to trace a large number people who may or may not have been infected. Nor is this the first contract Serco has botched, including its dismal performance on the tagging system for prisoners on release, which saw it fined £19m for fraud and false accounting. Yet here it is, back again and in charge of a crucial project. This week we discovered that Serco is paying outside consultants £7K a day (OUR £7K a day). And yet the whole project is so inept that WTF harbours doubt whether this lot could find an elephant in a cupboard.

And let us not forget Baroness Dido Harding, who was appointed recently to run the new National Institute for Health Protection, and is also heading up the aforementioned Track and Trace system. To describe her as useless and unqualified would be unduly flattering; nor is she the person you would want in charge of people’s confidential information, given that she presided over Britain’s worst ever data breach whilst at Talk Talk.  In 2015, 157,000 customers had their data hacked, for which the company was fined a record £400,000 by the Information Commissioner for ‘abdicating its security obligations’. Harding is married to John Penrose, a Tory MP who is mates with Boris Johnson and Co. Again, this is doubtless a coincidence.

But Readers, be of good cheer! There is a Government Anti-Corruption Champion. Surely he is the man to look into these matters and ask why these people keep getting awarded top swag work without proper process. Hurrah! His name is John Penrose MP.  Oh….hang on…..

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We  start our review of the week’s clothing crapulence with rapper Lil Nas X, wearing Gucci at the Billboard Awards

If you want to wear fancy dress, why go to Gucci when there are  perfectly good costume hire shops available? And why would you want to go anywhere dressed as Kaa the Snake in The Jungle Book?

Next we have glamour model and demi-celebritee Demi Rose in the Maldives, wearing Fashion Nova. Well, I say wearing….

WARNING – MINGE MOMENT ALERT!!!

Bloody hell, that waxing must have hurt. Like, bigly hurt. It makes your eyes water just looking at it. Not to mention the scrunching of the thong over her lady parts. This is a veritable Call for the Canesten moment. If a zebra wanted to flash her minge, Demi would be her inspiration.

Here is singer Jason Derulo, whom we haven’t seen for a while, wearing Louis Vuitton at the premiere of the new Disney thing, Clouds…..

More proof, were proof required, that Louis Vuitton is having a laugh. Take a  jacket from a pile of discarded denim jumble destined for homeless persons, stick a few patches of LV monogramed fabric on it and charge $700. Jason compounded his offences against retinas by pairing the aforesaid jacket with a pair of snow boots last seen on Nanook of the Frozen North.

 

 

Making a return to these pages is singer Gwen Stefani, wearing tat for a photoshoot.

WTF does not even know what this is supposed to be, and why a pair of very manky shorts is paired with fishnet tights and cowboy boots. Gwen looks as though she has gone several rounds with a pissed-off leopard, and she has the blood in her hair to show for it.


This is Gossip Girl actress Roxane Mesquita at Cannes Series 2020 (she is one of the judges) wearing who can even say what?

So we have had the tit window and now we have the pins pane. The whole thing is dreadful and seems to have been made out of one of those paper concertina lanterns.

Now say hallo to rapper Cardi B at her 28th birthday party, wearing Lena Barisha.

If Cleopatra was ever forced to dash out of the Royal Palace in the middle of the night, clutching a bedsheet around her, she would have looked just like Cardi.

Finally, we have NFL player Cam Newton arriving for training with The New England Patriots, wearing who knows what?

Goodness me. He resembles a bowl of custard in silly shoes…..

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh, who spotted this photo tweeted by Lucy James, a fellow Geordie who lives further away from Newcastle than Yvonne does, namely in San Francisco. Lucy posted a photo of a Halloween display in a store,  featuring Oogie Boogie, a character from Tim Burton’s The Night Before Christmas. For the uninitiated, Oogie Boogie is a burlap sack filled with insects and spiders with a snake for a tongue.

The American obsession with Halloween is absolutely nauseating at the best of times, but this takes the biscuit as Oogie seems to have gone trans and is displaying a very prominent camel toe. This is not what you want to see when you nip out for a pumpkin and a can of tinned tomatoes.  It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

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WTF It’s a Blessing Special

Hallo Readers,

We should never forget the old adage that it is an ill wind which blows nobody any good. There are many who believe that Donald Trump was sent by God unto us to Make America Great Again. And now it seems that God sent Covid 19 unto Donald Trump, and not because he is a reckless moron who never wore a mask, held functions, parties and rallies, and did everything save walk around with a sign around his neck reading Covid! Come and Get Me’. No. He sent it unto Trump as a blessing. Although Trump had to be helicoptered to hospital and pumped full of steroids and drugs various, he got better in 72 hours. And not only did he get better in 72 hours, but he himself asked for the new wonder-drug which hitherto had never been tested on anyone other than a couple of lab rats.  And now he is fitter than ever! Never mind artisans carving his face on Mount Rushmore, he could abseil it without crampons and carve it himself. He alighted from his helicopter back from Walter Reed and climbed the outside staircase at the White House to the Truman Balcony, where he ripped off his mask in a display on manliness last seen when Vladimir Putin rode his horse bareback in the Urals. There he stood, bestriding the petty world like a colossus, his newly-made-up orange complexion set defiant to the world. Sadly, the effect was slightly spoilt by the two minor matters that he could barely breathe and that the mask had taken off some of the macquillage around his cheeks, but that would be to carp. Our hero, still maskless, then walked into the White House, where he recorded a video in which he assured his fellow Americans that they should not let Covid dominate their lives. Alas, this advice came too late for the 212,000 fellow Americans who have died since March, and who continue to die at the rate of about 1,000 a day. In another video recorded the next day in the Rose Garden, that Petri dish of infection which has taken out half his staff, he told us that he felt great, that the new drug, whose name he got wrong, was not a ‘therapeutic’ but a ‘cure’ and that he, Trump, would ensure that everyone got it for free. Not that it is actually licensed yet.

Of course, the medical term for this is ‘bollocks’. As we do not know when he first started to display symptoms, or when he last tested negative, we do not know how far through his illness he actually is. We more than suspect that the reason he will not disclose when he last tested negative, was because he probably ignored the first positive test and went on doing rallies and the Debate with Joe Biden, and lied about it. We do not know whether this steroid-induced high will then wear off, only for him to crash again. But he is back in the Oval Office and raring to hit the campaign trail. We do know that he is still shedding the virus, putting at risk those of his staff, donors and supporters who have so far avoided catching it from him and his acolytes.  And we do know that this vile sociopath does not give a damn who gets ill because of him and his super-spreader events. And anyway, if they do get ill, he will cure them with the new miracle cure he prescribed himself, the name of which he does not actually know. Because it is an ill wind that blows nobody any good. Even though it is blowing out of Trump’s arse.

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We start our review of the week’s awful apparel with singer Katy Perry, who is back at work as a judge on American Idol after giving birth to her first child. She is wearing Christian Siriano.

There is a lot going on here, and all of it bovine. A stupid hat. Puff sleeves. A cape. Trousers and matching shoes. Katy is not a cow and she should not dress as one.

Next up, we have model Abbey Clancy out and about in Knightsbridge, wearing Filles a Papa and a sheepskin coat.

Look, Abbey. We know you have a fabulous figure and that you are a mother of four, but either walk around stark naked or wear proper clothes. At the very least, buy a bloody bra. Oh, and that coat makes you like Del Boy in Only Fools and Horses.

Here’s Rita Ora! She posed on Instagram wearing David Koma.

Be-jewelled leather shorts are just silly and those pointed tits are very Amazonian.

Meet singer Miguel Pimentel and his wife, model Nazanin Mandi. She is wearing Savage x Fenty (Rihanna’s label). He is wearing a jacket by The Soloist and trousers by Des Pierrot

Nazanin is wearing a bra with a wisp of voile over it. A wisp of voile is not a top. Not even at all. Her spouse is doing that no-shirt thing, which WTF hates almost above all things, and his outfit looks as if it was stitched together from left-over scraps of fabric by girl guides making a patchwork quilt for charity.

Also at the Fenty event was heiress and DJ Paris Hilton, wearing Walter Collection.

OK, WTF is bored now. Can women please stop going out in public looking like workers in sadomasochism salons? And those socks are putrid.

And here is a third attendee in silly clothes, Spanish singer Rosalía wearing Sevali Haute Couture. It looks like Louis Vuitton. But it isn’t.

If a fish-gutter went to a fancy-dress party  as a packhorse, this is what he would look like.

And he’s back again! Of course he is. This is racing champion Lewis Hamilton arriving at the F1 Grand Prix of Tuscany at Mugello Circuit a few weeks ago, wearing MSGM.

First, no grown man should be scooting about on a scooter. Second, this may be a hyper-cool label MSGM, but the outfit was last seen on a retired dentist in Fort Lauderdale. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT HAT? As WTF aficionado Ruth suggested, it must have been inspired by Kevin and Perry Go Large In Ibiza……

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionados Tony from Chislehurst and Dan from Stevenage, who are outraged by Arsenal’s cruel treatment of their mascot Gunnersaurus, or rather Jerry Quy, who has worn the costume for 23 years, but has just been given the heave-ho.

Arsenal say that Gunnersaurus is redundant as there is no one for him to entertain and no kiddies for him to lead out onto the pitch for their pre-match kickabout. Tony and Dan point out that the club is awash with money. Dan adds that Jerry probably earns about £25K a year and the redundancy was announced on the same day as the club signed a new player for £45 million. Now Mesut Ozil, who is on £400K a week, (but is not actually playing as he has pissed off the manager, or his teammates, or both) has said that he will personally pay Jerry’s wages. That is as may be, but it still shows Arsenal in a very bad light. Greedy bastards. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

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WTF Goose and Gander Special

Hallo Readers,

WTF had never heard of Margaret Ferrier,  Scottish Nationalist MP for Hamilton and Rutherglen, until she watched Channel 4 News at 7 pm on Thursday, where she learned that Ms Ferrier had been feeling unwell last Saturday, had had a Covid test that very day, and had then travelled by train from Hamilton to London, a journey of about six hours, on Monday before she had got the result. She then addressed the House of Commons on Coronavirus and its effect on Scottish jobs. On Monday evening, she received the news that she had tested positive. The next morning, she took the train back to Scotland, another six hour trip and has since been self-isolating. During that ninety-six hour period, MPs, train customers and probably taxi drivers were all subject to the turbulent vortex of Ms Ferrier’s droplets. And of course, the journeys were paid for by us, the taxpayers. Ms Ferrier has since apologised ‘unreservedly’ for breaking the law, which she described as ‘a mistake’. No, love. Leaving your credit card in the store is a mistake. Buying into the bi-annual myth that aubergine is the new black is a mistake. Travelling four hundred miles each way by train to speak on Scottish Covid policies is sheer irresponsibility, putting others at risk. You are not some skanky student dancing on a table in the college dining room while gurning into your iPhone. It was certainly nice of you to start your speech by thanking NHS workers for their efforts, but they would probably have preferred that you had not potentially given them extra work to do, because they are already exhausted and run off their feet.

Ms Ferrier has been suspended from her party and is facing calls to resign. But then, as we all know, what is sauce for the goose is not sauce for the gander. Not when the gander is the Prime Minister’s own personal Rasputin, who drove himself and his family to Durham, rather than staying put after he, or his wife, or both of them, who even knows, had tested positive for the virus, and a few weeks later,  saw fit to ‘test his eyesight’ by taking a sixty miles round trip to a local beauty spot on his wife’s birthday. On that occasion, obsequious Cabinet Ministers rushed to Twitter to praise Dominic Cummings for acting as any father would by ensuring that his young son would be near to his paternal grandparents, should both he and his wife become incapacitated and unable to look after him. 

Meanwhile, WTF needs to ask this question. How the hell did Ms Ferrier get a test on the very day she started feeling unwell? But at least Londoners now know where to go if we need an urgent Covid test. Pass me the railway timetable …

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial slurry with our valiant PM Boris Johnson at a builder’s training centre in Exeter.

Look, not only is he a poor Prime Minister, but he looks like a sack of shit. Those can only be described as comedy trousers which do not fit anywhere, particularly around the crotch, and they are also concertina’d around his ankles. The tie is going for a walk stage right and his hair looks as if a mop has randomly dropped upon his head.

Here is ‘actress’ and presenter Amanda Holden stirring up a storm on Britain’s Got Talent, wearing Celia Kritharioti.

Britain may or may not have talent, but Amanda’s main talent is to keep on the right side of tombstone-toothed Simon Cowell, the purveyor of the aforesaid rubbishy show, and to flash as much flesh as possible on prime time television. Like this dress, which displays acres of tittage and threatens an imminent Minge Moment.

235 saddo citizens apparently complained about Amanda’s décolletage and possible nip-slip. Which of course was the whole point of her wearing it. As Oscar Wilde remarked, it is better to be talked about than not talked about….

Next we have Model Cara Delevigne, looking very silly. 

Yi-haw!!! Cara is clearly inspired by Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy, only he wasn’t wearing a bra.

Now we meet car heiress and Italian reality star  Elettra Lamborghini getting married to a Dutch DJ called Afrojack, who used to go out with Paris Hilton. Clearly, he likes ’em rich….. The bride is wearing Gahlia Lahav.

 

This is Elettra’s second appearance in this column and she was not wearing enough then either. Call WTF old-fashioned, but if you are going to get married in what looks like a very traditional marriage by the side of Lake Como, it would be better if your arse was not visible through the sides of your wedding dress. Frankly, she should have borrowed the security attendant’s facemark and stuck it on her bum. And that is not all…..

Her cups runneth over…….

Next up we have actress Bella Thorne with her boyfriend Benjamin Mascolo, out and about in Hollywood

Bella looks like the lovechild of Madame Whiplash and GI Jane with a dinky little Chanel bag. And WTF hates a tattooed leg almost above all things.

Finally, here is actress Maisie Williams (aka Arya Stark in Game of Thrones) at Paris Fashion Week, wearing Dior.

WTF loves Maisie but Dior has dressed her as a fisherman who has forgotten his trousers. Why would you buy this from Dior when you can get the same thing in a sporting goods store for a trillionth of the price?

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from many outraged women both on Twitter and among WTF’s acquaintance, all of whom are incensed by the dress code imposed on her staff by top divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag. In a memo last year, which has only just come to light, she demands that women lawyers should be ‘discreetly sexy and colourful and flamboyant at the same time according to your preference’ and should aim for ‘a Chanel/Dior/Armani look’ with ‘nothing homespun or homely’. Men should recall the rule ‘never brown in town’. Is she is paying them enough to wear Chanel, Dior or Armani?  One hopes so. 

She’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

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WTF Voter Fraud Special

Hallo Readers,

We could all see where Donald Trump was heading. He has been laying the foundations for some time. He told us that mail-in voting was wrong. Until he remembered that he himself voted by mail. As did Melania Trump. And Ivanka Trump. And half of his entourage. And a lot of Republican voters, particularly in Florida. At which point, mail-in voting became OK, as long as it was in a state run by Republican governors, but states which mail your ballot to you automatically were bad, bad, bad, because thousands of those votes would go astray and be used by the evil Democrats to vote in Joe Biden, who could never win on his own because he doesn’t know what day it is, and anyway, there has never been a President who has done more for [fill in ethnic minority group/the army/veterans/billionaires, as applicable] than Trump? Then he tried to nobble the US Post Office, claiming that it could not now cope with the influx of postal votes. Then he started telling us that there were multiple examples of fraudulent voting, without deigning to produce any actual proof of any. Then his Attorney -General, Bill Barr, told us that there would be multiple examples of fraudulent voting, because ‘it was common sense that there would be’. Then Trump told us that that the only way he could lose was if the Democrats rigged the vote. Meanwhile, there are over 200 suits brought by Republicans against states offering mail-in voting. And this week he worked up to his crescendo of crapulence, refusing to confirm that if he lost the election on 3 November, there would be a peaceful transfer of power. The ballots were, he said, ‘a disaster…Get rid of the ballots and you’ll have a very peaceful — there won’t be a transfer, frankly. There will be a continuation.’ This led voting supremo Elle. Weintraub to retort  ‘In case anyone is unclear on the concept, in the United States of America, we do not ‘get rid of’ ballots. We count them’.

Members of Trump’s re-election team are talking to Republic states about the possibility of their invalidating any Biden wins by declaring the voting process unlawful and calling the state for Trump instead. Which would end up in the Supreme Court. Meanwhile, in another part of the Forest, Trump is rushing to replace Supreme Court Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who died last week aged 87, before 3 November because, as he freely admitted, if the Supreme Court needs to adjudicate upon a challenge to the election result (i.e. his challenge), there would be a court of nine justices available. Including the ones that  he knows will vote for him.

And this, Readers, is the USA, the so-called Leader of Free World and Bastion of Democracy. The President cannot be defeated. If he wins, he has won. If he loses, he has still won, because it is not possible that he has lost. And if the case goes to the Supreme Court, it will be decided by the Judges he appointed, including the one he appointed to ensure that he wins.  These are antics that would shame a 1970s Banana Republic. And let us not forget the army of crazies who will be encouraged to take to the streets with their AR15s, asserting their unalienable right to shoot anybody they don’t like the look of. Which is anyone who does not like Donald Trump. As Bette Davies in All About Eve remarked, ‘Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night’. Or, in this case, nights……

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We start our review of the week’s clothing cloaca with epidemiologist Professor Chris Whitty, looking scruffy.

WTF has targeted Professor Whitty before, because if you are going to instruct the Nation to hunker down and see nobody apart from your wife, your mother-in-law and your Uncle Bob, you need to look like a proper person, and not a dosser sleeping in a cardboard box in the Strand. The shirt  is not fresh on, the collar is not properly buttoned à la Just William, and the suit was borrowed from Lurch. Epic fail. 

This is TOWIE personage Yazmin Oukhellou, who wins the WTF Palomino Pony Award. This is the award given for fake brown legs and white feet, like Yazmin here. What on earth went wrong mid-calf downwards? Did she get bored before she got to the ankles?

 This is as bad as it gets….. the bar has been set high for future contestants….

Here is singer Miley Cyrus at the IHeart Radio Awards, wearing Mugler.

OK, gents, put your eyeballs back in their sockets and your tongues back in your mouths. Miley is gorgeous with a banging body. But she would still be gorgeous with a banging body without showing us nearly all of it, and emphasising the technical excellence of her waxing technician. Answer me this – did any of the men attending this event, virtually or otherwise, attend with their bums hanging out and their googlies on display? I think not…..

How we have country singer Kelsea Ballerini, wearing Raisa and Vanessa. 

Oh dear….she looks like a draped window. And will women PLEASE STOP doing that ridiculous leg-out pose?

We are now at Milan Fashion Week with singer Rita Ora attending in person, wearing Fendi.

This is a very nice jacket.  It is just that it ought to have been worn with something else. Like a skirt. Or trousers. Or anything, other than a flash of arse cheek. And those socks and shoes were last seen in a Renoir painting.

To the virtual Emmy Awards 2020 and actress Tracee Ellis Ross, wearing Minge Maestro Alexandre Vauthier.

WTF is all for dressing up, and laying a Red Carpet in your garden is an excellent compromise in these days of Covid, but this crinklefest with its threat of an imminent Minge Moment looks like the love child of a toilet roll dolly and a tired lettuce.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, we have actor Jeremy Strong, wearing something ghastly at the virtual Emmy Awards 2020.

WTF adores Jeremy, whom she first spotted as Vinny in The Big Short a few years ago, and he richly deserved his Best Actor award for Succession, particularly the last scene.

But…

This ensemble will not do. Not even at all. Not only is it a nasty colour, like nappy poo, with shoulders better suited to Vin Diesel, but that scarf looks like something borrowed from a Boy Scout uniform. 

Jeremy has a penchant for brown, a hue popular in the 1970s. At last year’s Emmys, he wore this excrescence. It didn‘t fit anywhere and that bow tie was very bar mitzvah boy. WTF cannot believe she missed it first time round…..

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Anne from Surrey who took against Sir John Hayes, the Sir Bufton Tufton of the 21st century Tory Party, and MP for Deeping.

Sir John, recently seen waving a Trump 2020 banner with his mates from the DUP, objected to having to undergo unconscious bias training because it was ‘mind control’ and because it is apparently OK to have bias towards one’s own community. Er, no, it isn’t. You are a paid public servant, matey. Maybe some training would stop you being such an arse. You’ve Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WTF Dud Special

Hallo Readers,

That this Government is a shitshow is not news. But the depth of its shitshowery continues to take the breath away, a combination of ignorance, arrogance, incompetence and tone deafness that has never previously been seen. It is our misfortune as a nation to suffer it, and to suffer it during a worldwide pandemic. Cometh the hour, faileth the Leadership. Let us consider this week’s prize duds.

Item – The Lord Chancellor/Minister of Justice and the Attorney-General, both of whom studiously look the other way while the Government flouts international law. The Scottish Advocate General, Lord Keen of Elie QC, had the decency to resign when the Government announced its intention to break the law ‘in a limited but specific way’. The reason it has to break it at all is that, in an outcome surprising absolutely no-one, it cannot maintain EU Customs Union freedom of movement for goods in Northern Ireland AND allow Northern Ireland to have a border with the UK  – something everyone knew at the time, said so at the time, and were roundly dismissed by our gung-ho ‘optimistic’ Prime Minister intent on ‘getting Brexit done’. His English counterparts see no problem with Britain reneging on an agreement it signed only months earlier. The A-G, Suella Braverman, commissioned legal advice from three committed Brexiteers which confirmed  what she wanted them to confirm. The woman would have to quadruple her intellect just to qualify as thick. Robert Buckland, the Lord Chancellor, says he would resign if the law were broken in a way he found ‘unacceptable’. The nation awaits his definition of when it is acceptable to break the law. The late Congressman John Lewis, the heroic campaigner for black rights in the US, talked about getting into ‘good trouble’.  This ain’t good trouble. This is chickens coming home to roost.

ItemJacob Rees-Mogg, the mobile nasal mucus who is Leader of the House of Commons. Moggy is a multi-millionaire Old Etonian, who married millions, and made even more millions through fund management. Today, at the same time as the former testing czarina Baroness Harding admitted to a House of Commons committee that demand for Covid19 tests exceeded capacity by four to one, Moggy told the House ‘instead of this endless carping, saying it’s difficult to get them, we should actually celebrate this phenomenal success of the British nation in getting up to a quarter of a million tests of a disease that nobody knew about until earlier in the year’. Phenomenal success? Every day, desperate and terrified citizens are driving miles cross-country to a testing station in another county, only to find no one there. If they do manage to get a test, they have to wait days for the result. Meanwhile, Moggy’s alma mater is testing every pupil, whether they are symptomatic or not. How very dare people carp? They should be grateful for the opportunity of spending money they don’t have on petrol they can’t afford, to go to somewhere they don’t live, not to get a test they want and which, by the way, they were promised last June. If only their parents had saved up and sent them to Eton…… 

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial sluice bucket with model Kate Moss and her daughter Lila Grace Moss Hack.

Lila Grace, who is 17, is dressed in not enough. Kate is dressed in some sort of designer dish dash. That is all that can said about Moss mère et fille.

Here is radio presenter Kelly Brook on the way to do her radio show. WTF has no idea what she is wearing. None whatsoever….

WTF has taken against the loose threads hanging down from the shorts. Bigly taken against them. They put her in mind of Stormy Daniels’ description of Donald Trump’s ‘yeti pubes’. And no, you are not getting a lookalikey picture….. 

Next up, we have First Daughter Ivanka Trump aka #NepotismBarbie wearing Emilia Wickstead at the White House signing of the Abraham Agreements, seen with her husband Jared Kushner, aka #KenDoll. 

One wonders whether either of these two ghastly pair has an original working part between them. Or a brain. Ivanka continues to insert herself into every major event, like Zelig, and her upholstered chest in that anaemic flouncerama puts one in mind of a pouter pigeon.

Now we move to LA and singer Justin Bieber, out and about in bright pink leisurewear. 

Really? He looks like a tattooed guava. And extra minus points for the stupid hat.

This is sort of actress Phoebe Price out and about in LA.

Phoebe’s principal purpose is to wear silly things in public so that people will take her photo. And someone did…… she looks like a kaleidoscopic Puss in Boots, while the mirrored lenses give the illusion that the price ticket for the hat has fallen in front of her eye. Just. Go. Away.

Here is World Champion racing driver Lewis Hamilton  and his pet pup Roscoe arriving at Sir Philip Green’s yacht in Monaco. Lewis is wearing MGSM. Roscoe is wearing Roscoe.

Lewis is a grown man dressed like a Wimbledon ballboy. Roscoe however looks good.

And finally here is singer Billie Eilish wearing Gucci.

Billie looks like the love child of a desert tribeswoman and a 1960’s hippy. And if you are going to wear a $$$$$ Gucci blanket, at least wear it the right way round so that the wash label is not on display.

 

 

 

 

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Bindy from Wiltshire who has brought these truly appalling leggings to WTF’s horrified attention.

 

Er…. look. All women have had a little accident in their lives at a certain time of the month, but we do not need to parade it coram publico. Revolting.  And then some.  It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

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WTF Six of the Best Special

Hallo Readers

Welcome to another edition to Covid Hokey Cokey, in which Her Majesty’s Government changes its mind about how to handle the virus, often from day to day. In, out, in, out, shake it all about, and then blame someone else. First you can fly to somewhere foreign and have a nice holiday. Then you can fly to the same somewhere foreign, but you will have to come back early at a cost equivalent to buying the entire plane, or else self-quarantine for a fortnight when you get home, which means that you are taking four weeks’ holiday, not two. One day Portugal is fine, then it isn’t (but Madeira is). One day Hungary is tops, and then it isn’t. Of course, you could have settled for a nice fortnight in Cornwall instead, except that the Cornish all hate you for spreading your vile infection around their sparsely populated, one-hospital-only county, and resent your refusal to wear a mask because you “came on holiday to get away from all that, innit”? 

And now the Government has changed its mind about how many people you can mingle with. Whatever it was last week, it is different this week. Starting from Monday 14 September, you cannot congregate indoors in groups of more than six, whether in your home, in someone else’s home, or around a restaurant table. If you do, a Covid Monitor will come up and fine you (which is more than they do when not wearing a mask). People are incensed. Christmas Day round at Nan’s has been shelved. If you want to see more than six family members, your only choices are to kill someone off so that they can all come to the funeral, or get married so they can all come to the nuptials. Is this the end of civilisation as we know it?

But all these people bemoaning Yuletide without Auntie Ethel can get stuffed because many of them did not give a toss about their aged or ailing relatives when they crammed into pubs and clubs, and went to the races, and queued outside Primark for the sales, and crowded onto Bournemouth Beach (doing their whoopsies wherever they fancied as all the loos were locked), and picnicked in the park, and attended  raves, and congregated at large family gatherings, and demonstrated maskless for or against Black Lives Matter, and celebrated Liverpool winning the League.  And still they wander into shops and on and off public transport without a mask, getting aggressive with others who ask them to put one on, and who declare loudly that they are not going to wear one because it is their democratic right to infect anyone and everyone with a virus that does not exist, and it’s just like the ‘flu. Except that it is not just like the ‘flu. Even President Trump knows that is not just like the ‘flu. He always did. He just told everyone that it was because he didn’t want them to panic. And damage the stock market.

Meanwhile, do not despair, Great British Public! You may have to spend Christmas all alone with your partner and screaming kiddies watching yet another re-run of Mrs Brown’s Boys, but by the Spring, Boris Johnson has promised us all almost daily testing with new instant technology using saliva. It hasn’t actually been invented yet but hey! Let’s be positive. Or rather, let’s hope that the test will show we’re not positive. And be accurate.  Once it is invented, that is…….

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This week’s survey of comedy clothing starts at the Venice Film Festival, and a  couple of dodgy dresses, first on esteemed actress Cate Blanchett, wearing Alexander McQueen.

Whatever is going on here should not be. It is all so BUSY, what with the tutu like Darcey Bussell, and the net curtain skirt, not to mention the fluffy thing sitting on her shoulder, reminiscent of the scene in White Chicks when the Wayne Brothers take to the catwalk.

Next up, we have Italian ‘celebritee’ Ludovica Valli wearing Antonio Riva.

This is beyond frightful, but at least you cannot say that Antonio has scrimped on the material. There is more sheeting than to be found in the linen cupboard at the Gritti Palace Hotel. She looks like an unmade Kingsize bed……

To London, where we encounter WTF’s favourite Z-lister, Lizzie Cundy, out on a date wearing a Zara top, mock-leather skirt from TopShop, and Carvela sandals.

Lizzie is 52, and persists in dressing as if she were 26. Let us not dwell upon her face and (for once, covered up) embonpoint, both of which have seen some interference with the workings of nature. Instead, let us consider that her skirt is ridiculously short, her sandals are hideous, her stomach needs to be put away and the last time WTF saw legs like that, they were hanging off a chicken.

Talking of the Z list, here is TOWIE’s Gemma Collins wearing Wendy Grey Handmade and a Louis Vuitton £1600 handbag.

Gemma has recently lost three stone, and good for her, but this outfit is grislier than a grisly bear with grizzle issues, The leisurewear jim-jams are both slithery and lurid, and the handbag is an overpriced eyesore, but WTF’s disapprobation is principally reserved for the retro swimming cap, the purpose of which is unclear.

Still in London, we find singers Mabel (left) wearing a onesie by Bad Society Club. and Raye (right) wearing who knows what.

Raye looks like an imminent Minge Moment in musketeer boots. As for Mabel, never mind Bad Society, this is just bad taste, and the rear view is, to say the least, unfortunate.

Finally, here is singer and actress Jennifer Lopez wearing Ralph Lauren.

Oh dear Lord. This is the lovechild of the worst migraine you ever had and a lava lamp, and it makes the lovely Jennifer look as though her pudendum has exploded……

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Ayesha from Stepney, and also fromWTF. Both are outraged by Propaganda Barbie, aka Kayleigh McEnany, the White House Press Secretary, who is paid a lot of money by US Taxpayers to lie to their face. This week she hit rock bottom when informing the Press Corps that Trump had not downplayed the Coronavirus pandemic, when an hour earlier a tape had been released of him saying exactly that. And he then said it again about an hour later.

And that is not all. Look at the way she is dressed in that cutaway neon shift with plenty of underarm and a suggestion of sideboob. She is a Government Official. She is in the James Brady Room of the White House, not spending Sunday on Coney Island. The World has seen and heard enough. She’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WTF Gerontology Special

Hallo Readers

When WTF was growing up, (if she ever did – discuss), Russia and China used to be run by very elderly men in grey clothing with faces to match. If one of them was not seen for a while, it was a fair bet that they were either on life support or in the freezer awaiting the right moment to have their demise announced by weeping TV announcers on State television.  But now Russia is led by President Putin, who insists upon baring his chest at every opportunity  in order to show us how buff he is, while China is led by President Xi Jinping, who has a perennially youthful face and looks awfully nice, except that he isn’t. Both of them are 67 years old and look to be in the peak of health,  (which is more than you can say for their opponents, but that is another blog).

Over in the USA, which gave us Presidents Kennedy, Clinton, Bush the Younger and Obama, the country now faces a choice on 3 November between Donald Trump,  who is 74, and Joe Biden, who will be 78 if he takes office on 20 January 2021. Frankly, as WTF’s dad used to remark, both of them look as if they are walking around to save themselves funeral expenses. Supporters of each of them accuse the other of having lost it upstairs, even though Trump boasts that he can recognise an elephant and remember the words ‘Person Man Woman Camera TV’, not that those were the actual words in the mental acuity test he took at some point. Both of them wander off the point mid-sentence and get more words wrong than Mrs Malaprop. Added to that, although Biden was recently filmed riding a bike, Trump barely walks anywhere, not even on the golf course, and was seen recently tottering down a ramp at West Point with a terrified expression on his face and the gait of an ancient granny. And it is rumoured that he might have had a stroke or a series of mini strokes. Trump has a full head of hair, although whose hair is open to question, is hugely overweight, and covers his ageing skin with orange panstick. Biden is slight, has thinning white hair, and looks frail.  At the three election debates, everyone will be watching to see who can complete a full sentence without a gaffe. It will be like an endless argument at a family wedding between your two oldest uncles.

But there is no choice. Another four years of Trump, and America will be stripped of the last vestiges of decency, compassion, truth and sanity. Not to mention that WTF will probably have to be put away in a straitjacket.  Please, please, US voters……do the right thing.

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After months of celebrity retrospectives, WTF is pleased to announced the return of actual summer celebritees in their sartorial slurry, starting with a WTF favourite Lauren Goodger wearing something foul.

Oh Lord.  Lauren does not give up,  does she? Looking at her in this nonsensical onesie is like watching a female leopard undergoing a cervical smear. And if you think that image is unpleasant, get a load (sic) of  Lauren in a paparazzo pic, i.e. one not susceptible to Instagram touchups….. 

 Next up, we have singer Will Young featured on the cover of The Sunday Times Magazine (he has a book coming out). This was sent in by WTF aficionado Norman from Belsize Park who was rightly appalled by what he saw over his weekend breakfast.

You what? This is even worse than Lewis Hamilton wearing that ridiculous Tommy Hilfiger kilt, and is more like the lovechild of Rob Roy and Boris Johnson on his recent midge-infested holiday in Scotland.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is rapper Cardi B wearing vintage Chanel at her daughter Kulture’s birthday party

Kulture (kill me now) is two years old. Kids of that age want kandy and kake. They do not want Mummy swanning about in fuck- me shoes, threatening an imminent Minge Moment and flashing her tattoos.

Say hallo to singer Rihanna at the launch of her new skincare range, Fenty Skin, and wearing her own clothing range, Fenty.

The Fenty skincare is obviously working because she looks glorious – from the neck up. But the cheap-looking leather dress makes her appear to be standing in a mound of ordure and those sandals are more Up Pompeii! than Roman.

This is model Bella Hadid wearing Nensi Dojaka at the MTV Video Music Awards.

WTF has taken against Bella, not least because she looks like Melania Trump’s little sister, but also because she has a permanently farouche expression. Not to mention that Nensi has put her in a pair of black nursing pads under an old pair of tights and called it a top.

There was a time when singer Miley Cyrus was always in WTF wearing arse-and-boob-baring items in an effort to ‘épater les bourgeois’. Then she went respectable and got married. Then she got divorced and is back to her old ways. Here she is wearing Mugler.

It’s a sparking shower curtain with a bandeau bikini underneath. Yawn. Are we really still doing this?

Also there was rapper Machine Gun Kelly (né Richard Colson Baker) wearing a most remarkable ensemble.

The colour is actually rather wonderful, albeit somewhat of a challenge to the music world’s collective retinas, but a sleeveless polo neck and pearls? Absolutely not. And why he is pretending to be actor Owen Wilson?

Now to the premiere of actress Tara Reid’s  new film ‘Attack of the Unknown’. She is wearing Stello.

Another Minge Moment brought to us by Minge Maestro, Michael Costello. Stello is his ready-to-wear range, but no-one in their right mind would be ready to wear this. Tara’s little leggier are not flattered by the length of this thing and that is not so much a tit window as an open doorway.

Also there was actor Ben Stobber wearing Opposuits.

Opposuits are supposed to be fun, but this kaleidoscopic nightmare is as much fun as a barbed wire enema, especially when worn with a MATCHING TIE, scuffed beige shoes and, FFS, blue hair. It is as if someone had thrown up over a smurf.

And finally this week, here is Ezra Miller at a UNICEF Gala in Capri, wearing Mônot. Careful how you go with this one…..

JUST. MAKE. IT. STOP. Billy Porter he ain’t. It was bad enough looking at Tara’s giant tit window, but this is a new one, even for WTF. This is a chest casement.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Sue from Islington (supported by WTF, also from Islington) who has taken understandable exception to the new Arsenal away kit. It has gone all poncy. Look.

Arsenal’s away kit has always been some variation of yellow and blue. Now it is the same colours as the home kit, red and white, and is purportedly inspired by the marbled halls of Highbury, its former Art Deco ground. That is all well and good, but to Sue, WTF, and countless others, the shirt is more reminiscent of someone covered in blood after multiple stab wounds. Death by a thousand cuts….. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To GoLet us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x

 

 

 

 

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WTF Brewery Special

Hallo Readers,

It is not just that this Government not organise the proverbial piss-up in a brewery. We already know this. But this lot would outsource the piss-up to an off-the-peg company registered in some sandy tax haven with no expertise in throwing parties. That company would order canapés that had gone off long before the date of the festivities and it would also book a widget factory instead of a brewery, which would anyway then be closed down by the authorities as non-Covid compliant, and probably riddled with asbestos to boot.

We have been here before. Remember Chris Grayling, an idiot masquerading as a Minister, who handed out a contract for ferries to a company with no ferries? Remember a shipment of 400,000 face masks from Turkey that turned out to be unfit for purpose and as much use as tits on a fish? And now we have fifty million masks bought for £160 million which have proved unusable because the design was wrong. But it gets worse. Much worse.

The company in question, Ayanda Capital, is registered in the tax haven of Mauritius. It has no experience in PPE procurement, not even of any kind. Had it had such experience, someone employed there might have noticed that the respirator marks, intended for doctors to protect them from catching Covid, had ear loops instead of head loops. which meant they could not be properly secured and so would not work. 

So Readers, how did an investment company come to get this contract at all? Well…. it turns out that the Secretary of State for International Trade, Liz Truss, a woman mounting a strong challenge to Grayling in the Ineptitude Stakes, has an adviser called Andrew Mills. Mills advises the Board of Trade, which Truss chairs. Mills approached the Government on behalf of his little £100 company, and got the contract, apparently on the basis that it had sole manufacturing rights in a Chinese factory. Mills then asked for the contract to be transferred to Ayanda, to which he was a senior board adviser, on the basis that it (Ayanda) ‘had more suitable banking infrastructure’. Mills also denies that his position at the Board of Trade had nothing whatsoever to do with the price of fish and how very dare anyone suggest it? 

So we have two companies with no experience off PPE procurement getting the nod from the Government for a ginormous contract, a crap product, £160 million of taxpayers’ money gone down the plughole, and doctors in the middle of the worst health crisis for a century left without the vital equipment they need. Boris Johnson is apparently ‘very disappointed’. Disappointed? Disappointed is when you can’t find a parking space and you are running late for the cinema. Disappointed is when your local corner shop has run out of tagliatelle. This is not disappointing. This is outrageous. Not to mention further evidence, not that evidence were needed, that Johnson and his administration are more useless that those containers of rubbish masks cluttering up a warehouse or two. 

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WTF is having a break for the rest of August, but our retrospective today is chosen by her and it is a doozy. We consider the fashion flotsam worn by the Hollywood Elite, starting in March 2013 with Faye Dunaway at the Vanity Fair Oscars Party.

The dress and cape were elegant but the hair and gloves made her look like Iggy Pop in Marigold washing up gloves.

In February 2014 Liza Minnelli went to the Oscars wearing vintage Halston.

As WTF remarked at the time, there comes a time in every woman’s life when she needs to wear a bra, and for Liza, that time was 2014 (and probably several decades before that). If a Smurf went to a fancy dress party wearing a satin bedsheet, this is what it would look like.

Whoopi Goldberg was also at the same ceremony, wearing who even knows what?

At first WTF wondered whether this meant to be a piss-take of Julia Roberts’ Dolce & Gabbana outfit at the Golden Globes that year, but this sailed past piss-take and docked in deranged, not least because of the striped socks and ‘I’m-Dorothy-come-here-Toto’ shoes.

January 2015 saw Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Elie Saab. 

This fell squarely into the category of ‘Call for the Canesten’. A pink onesie snuggling into the crotch is never a good idea. No wonder she looked manic – the poor love was obviously trying to take her mind off the minge pain.

This is November 2015 where we meet Johnny Depp and his then wife Amber Heard.That marriage worked out well, didn’t it?

Amber looked OK in a 70’s-boho sort of way, but what was Johnny wearing? Was he working as an extra in UnOrthodox? He even had the payot.

And in the same month we saw the wonderful Jane Fonda in THESE things.

If WTF looks even a fraction as good as this at the age of 77, she will be ecstatic, as well as very pleasantly surprised, given that Jane is as slim as a pencil. But these ruffled pants were deeply horrible and resembled a pair of Victorian drawers.

We are now in February 2016, where we come across Marion Cotillard at the Vanity Fair Oscars Party, wearing Giambattista Valli. 

Marion  had the good grace to look embarrassed, as well she might, This haute couture creation had a crushed disco-ball top and a slumbering -sheep skirt. There was also a black thing, the purpose of which WTF could not fathom, and a table napkin tucked into the waistband, perhaps in readiness for a particularly crumbly canapé.

In November 2017 Jared Leto went to the MTV Music Awards (he also plays in a band), wearing Gucci.

Like a paint chart of puke-making pastels. And that flower was really, really, stupid.

We are now in October 2018 where we find Sarah Paulson wearing Calvin Klein.

There was a trompe l’oeil man’s head nestling on her breasts and a rubber incontinence mattress lining. and wings on her ankles like Mercury, presumably so that she could fly away at the earliest opportunity.

In January 2019 Anne Hathaway went to the Golden Globes, wearing Elie Saab.

Apart from the annoying Angelina pose, which WTF hates almost all things, Anne resembled the lovechild of a cheetah and Russell Crowe in Gladiator. WTF was not entertained. 

And finally we are in May 2019 with Sylvester Stallone.

Seriously? His face was more full of plastic than a landfill site and he was wearing CREAM SLACKS with a blue dinner jacket, a white shirt and hanky and black shoes and a black bow tie. Was he moonlighting as a cruise director on Love Boat?

 

And so we come to the winner of the Summer Stinker Poll 2020. It is…..

DRUMROLL…..

LIZZO!!!!!

It was neck and neck all the way between her and alleged singer  Ricky Rebel but in the end, Lizzo triumphed with celebritee Lauren Goodger well behind  in third place.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yosra from Giza in Eyypt, who has taken against these fowl (see what I did there?) Kentucky Fried Crocs. Yes. Really. 

Those nuggets on the top, like crispy penises, SMELL OF FRIED CHICKEN!!!  It gets worse. “Combining the unmistakable look of our world-famous fried chicken and signature KFC bucket with the unparalleled comfort and style of Crocs, these shoes are what fried chicken footwear dreams are made of,” says KFC US. Who are the people dreaming of  fried chicken footwear? THEY NEED MEDICAL HELP.  STAT. They -and these Crocs, and indeed all Crocs – Have Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF is giving herself and you a summer break and will be back on Friday 4 September. Have a good August, be good, be careful, and wash your hands. x

 
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