WTF Kiddies Special

Hallo Readers,

Up until Wednesday evening, the USA was separating children from their would-be migrant parents in compliance with what we were assured was the law of the land. Attorney-General Jeff Sessions, the malignant hobgoblin, assured us that not only is it the law, but the Bible insisted that the law must be obeyed. Sarah Sanders, the sarcastic White House Press Secretary, agreed. President Trump went further. Not only is it the law, but it is the Democrats’ law. Except it isn’t a law at all. There is no law insisting that children be separated from their parents. And even if it is the law, which it isn’t, other Presidents, both Democrat and Republican, have not implemented it. This Administration, however, is applying a policy introduced by the hobgoblin in April to deter illegal migrants (i.e. brown people), from entering in the USA by taking their kiddies away. Except that Nordic ice maiden Kirstjen Neilsen, Secretary for Homeland Security, says that it is not a policy. So there may or may not be a policy enforcing what is or is not a law. In any event, even if there is a policy to enforce a law, the hobgoblin, the Nordic ice maiden, sarcastic Sarah and Trump were all clear that only the Congress could change the law and that the President could not do so by Executive Order. The Democrats had only to agree to fund the wall, you know, the one that Mexico was going to pay for, and all would be well.

On Wednesday night Trump signed an Executive Order to change the law. From now on, kiddies will not be taken from their parents and they will all be locked up together. Except there IS a law that children may not be detained for more 20 days, so then what happens then? Are the children to be removed again? Meanwhile, the Executive Order makes no provision for the 2,300 children currently detained away from their parents, and no one has been able to explain, because they have no idea, how they are to be reunited with their families, let alone when. Trump’s view is that anyone coming across the border is an actual or future member of the M S 13 gang, and that crafty lawyers have told the kids to utter the magic phrase ‘I want asylum’. Considering that some of these kiddies are only a few months’ old and cannot speak at all, whichever lawyer managed to teach them that phrase should patent the process immediately because it is some achievement. Or maybe the kids are just super-smart and worthy of one of those Einstein visas reserved for special geniuses – you know, like Melania Trump.

The hobgoblin now Says there was no policy to separate children and parents, despite previously saying the opposite. Trump continues to insist that zero tolerance is essential because of the migrant crisis, despite immigration numbers actually falling. The Nordic ice maiden is humiliated and clearly has no idea what the hell is going on. And to add to the air of total farce, yesterday Melania Trump flew down to the Texas border on an unannounced visit, wearing a khaki Zara $39 parka bearing the message ‘I really don’t care. Do U?’  Actually, love, yes. We do care. A lot. Your message was offensive. You are offensive. Your husband is offensive. His Administration is offensive. His policies are offensive. His supporters are offensive. And the sooner you are all gone, the better.

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We start the week’s sartorial survey with HRH Duchess of Sussex wearing Oscar de la Renta.

Meghan has wrapped herself in a Wedgwood bedspread, her hair is a mess and she has stuck some crumpled toilet paper on her head and called it a hat. 

Football pundit Ian Wright on TV, wearing something truly terrible.

Twitter rose up as one to condemn this ghastly shirt which caused extensive retinal damage to those tuned in to Sunday’s ITV’s coverage of the World Cup. Not only does it have flamingos all over it, it is the colour of a pureed frog.

Singer Ellie Goulding at the Serpentine Summer Party in London’s Hyde Park wearing Jacquemus.

This is the problem with linen. It creases. Ellie’s dress is more creased than Tommy Lee Jones’ forehead and it costs £630, which is a load of cash for  a bit of crumpled cloth. And that thing over her cleavage looks like her dinner napkin is still tucked in….

To LA and Momager Kris Jenner wearing Akris, with her daughter Kim Kardashian wearing a Jacquemus shirtdress and a Rick Owens skirt. They were attending a Business of Fashion Forum. Oh, the irony….

Kris appears to have removed the curtains from her grandchildren’s bedroom and turned them into a pantsuit, worn with white pointy bootees like a pair of KKK hoodies. Kim never ventures out of doors without flashing her tits. However, environmentalists have clearly found a use for recycled plastic bottles littering the beaches. They have all gone into Kim’s face, bum and chest.

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Now we find ourselves at the MTV Movie & TV Awards and a number of shocking outfits starting with actor Chadwick Boseman, wearing Off-White.

This is from Off-White’s Impressionist collection. WTF’s impression is that Chadwick looks like a beginner’s guide to Monet.

And then there was rapper Justina Valentine wearing Nene La Shiro.

She looks like she has been burnt alive with the ashes covering her nips.

Next we have  singer Halsey, wearing Julien Macdonald.

This is another of those fancy bandages masquerading as a dress and is typical of Julien Macdonald’s frocks,  i.e. tawdry and putting onlookers in fear of an imminent minge moment. As for Halsey, she looks as if someone has scribbled on her with an indelible laundry pen.

The last of our MTV horrors is in the shapely shape of Australian swimwear model Liv Pollock, wearing something quite unspeakable. The designer is staying anonymous. Good call.

Liv is making an early bid for the Christmas Turkey 2018. These trousers, not that they are trousers, are possibly the worst trousers in the history of trousers, basically doo-dah drapes which ventilate your vag and show off your tan line. Team with a boob-bandage showing visible nipple activity, and you’re good to go.

Here we are in London at the Diva Awards (no, me neither), where we meet singer Gareth Gates, seen here with his partner, soap actress Faye Brooks.

Faye is wearing traditional soap star attire, i.e. tight and titsy (this one is by House of CB) and a pair of hideous suede platform hooves. But the real offender here is her partner, who is also making an early bid for the Christmas Turkey 2018 in this crushed velvet suit. Gareth is putting the breasted into double-breasted by baring his chest with his artfully-disarranged black shirt, whilst his trousers hover high above his ankles, as if in a holding pattern whilst waiting to land. 

 

AND NOW!!! THE WINNER OF THE WTF SUMMER STINKER POLL 2018 IS

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MOSCHINO DESIGNER JEREMY SCOTT!!!!

Jeremy pinstripe

No, look at him. What a pillock…….. It was a fight to the finish between him and Rihanna and Gillian McKeith putting in a creditable performance to come third. But Jeremy is obviously a worthy winner.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado @Nabiganji who has highlighted this utterly vile Donald Trump ‘shocked face’ tracksuit. Should you be raving mad, you can buy it on the Getonfleek website for only $99 (reduced from $149.)

Of course, Donald Trump has got to go, period. But having his open mouth on your genitals – in public? Even Stormy Daniels did it in private, and she’s a porn star. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

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Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Immigration, MTV Movie Awards 2018, Politics, Royal Wedding, Stephen Miller, Stormy Daniels, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

WTF Summer Stinker 2018

Hallo Readers, 

Yes, it is that time of the year AGAIN!!! I refer to the WTF Summer Stinker 2018 where 16 appalling fashion horrors await your judgment as to who deserves the coveted prize for the worst dressed person of the year so far. The contestants are all arranged in first name alphabetical order, denoting no preference on WTF’s part because everyone looks like a sack of shit – and this is being kind. All you have to do is to select as many horrors as you want (none of that Single Transferable Vote malarkey here) and vote away, as often as you like, and, should you choose to do so, leaving unpleasant comments to go with your votes. The results will be announced on Friday 22 June in next week’s blog.

Meanwhile, WTF is restating some basic WTF fashion rules because she cannot stand to see the same errors again and again. 

Women

1. There is never any excuse for a Minge Moment. 

2. It is sadly the fact that the fatter the leg, the shorter the skirt. THIS IS BAD. 

3. Bum cheeks should not be on display. Ever.

4. Your boobs are not tip top over a certain age and need a bra. You will know when that is. It is when they do not stand up on their own.

5. If you are big, strapless is not your friend. It leads to back tits and spilth. Desist. 

6. Breasts are not supposed to be globular.

7. Underwear is not outerwear.  The clue is in the name.

8. Leggings are not trousers. See no 3 above. 

Men

1. If your jacket is so short it barely covers your bum, it is too short – unless you are a bell-hop or a tango dancer.

2. If your jacket does not fit when buttoned up, it is too small. Take a size up.

3. If your trousers hover high above your ankles, you will look Silly. Fact.

4. Men wearing brogues without socks is inexcusable.

5. Men wearing socks and sandals is also inexcusable. 

6. If men are to display their feet in sandals or flip-flops, GET A PEDICURE. Crusty feet and cracked heels are horrible to behold.

7. Trainers should not be worn with a suit. Ever.

And for both sexes:

People are not supposed to be orange. Yes, I mean you Donald J. Trump. 

OK READERS OFF YOU GO!!! GET VOTING! VOTE EARLY AND VOTE OFTEN! AND SPREAD THE WORD!!!!!

Here they are:

1. Adam Rippon, Olympic gold medal swimmer, wearing Moschino.

Adam turned up at the Oscars looking like the Gimp from Pulp Fiction, courtesy of Moschino designer Jeremy Scott (of whom, more below) who ‘customised’ his suit. Further, if sporting bare ankles with a DJ is not a capital offence, then it should be.

2Bleona Quereti, singer, wearing who knows what.


Albanian songstress Bleona specialises in turning up at big occasions (in this case, the Vanity Fair Oscars party) wearing not very much; but this time, she gave the barrel a final scrape and came out with her nips on show under a sparkling fishing net.

3. Dascha Polanco, actress, wearing who knows what.

Dascha attended the BeautyCon event in New York dressed as Sesame Street’s Elmo in a frilly skirt and oversized white bra. The only question more pressing than ‘why would anyone wear this?’ is ‘why would anyone design this?’

4. Frankie Grande, dancer, (seen here with Erika Jayne) wearing who knows what.

The last time WTF saw legs like that, they were on Popeye. Everything here is execrable, from the badger’s bum hair to the silver DJ with wonky bow tie to the terrible trainers. And his exposed limbs are more orange than an orange.

5. Gillian McKeith, TV nutritionist, wearing who knows what.

Gillian was cruelly robbed of the coveted WTF Christmas Turkey 2017 by Lewis Hamilton, who nipped in at the last bend following some ill-considered remarks about his toddler nephew wearing a dress. So here she is again, wearing something equally as horrible as last year’s effort, and resembling a dusty cobweb in the corner of a haunted house, teamed with a lace waistcoat and some of the ugliest shoes ever to hit the last.

6. Isabella Rossellini, actress, wearing  Dolce & Gabbana.

Why the lovely Isabella allowed Dolce & Gabbana to wrap her in the lovechild of an opera poster and a cardinal’s cassock, WTF cannot say, but she can say with every confidence that it was a cardinal error. And then some….

7. Jeremy Scott, designer, wearing Jeremy Scott.

Only the ridiculous Jeremy Scott could turn a pinstriped suit jacket into a breast-baring toga worn with a falconry glove and sunglasses worn indoors.

8. Joy Villa, would-be politician, wearing something of her own design.

Joy was principally known for turning out at big-ticket events wearing something extremely stupid. She then became a Trump acolyte and took to the Alt-Right like a fish to water, as evidenced by her white ball gown hand-painted with a foetus and matching handbag in a Right To Life slogan.

9. Lady Gaga, singer, wearing Gareth Pugh.

Lady Gaga prowled the streets, not wearing leopard but actually as one, complete with leopard leggies and furry paws. Grrrrrhhhhhhh……

10. Nico Tortorella, actor, wearing who knows what.

WTF does not even know what to say about this get-up, a sort of brocade one-sleeved ensemble that the Queen might have worn (but with two sleeves) 50 years ago, and matching brogues.

11. Nya Lee, stripper turned rapper, wearing Agent Provocateur.

Well, WTF says ‘wearing’ …..there are people wearing more clothes on the beach.

12. Patrick Starr, makeup guru and YouTube star, wearing who knows what.

Thighs like that should be covered up. Very covered up. Like behind a heavy curtain with the lights turned off. The whole thing is very Widow Twanky…

13. Rihanna, singer, wearing Y/Project.

This is just very, very, silly, a shit-coloured Turin shroud with top boots like something worn by D’Artagnan. Only he had pantaloons underneath his and his top was not translucent.

14. St Vincent, singer, wearing St Laurent.

St Vincent appeared at the Grammys dressed as a Playboy Bunny savaged by a rabid dog, one ear hanging limply by her waist. The minge triangle is plain offensive.

15. Solange Knowles, singer, wearing Iris van Herpen.

Solange went to the Met Ball dressed as a patron saint of melted plastic, as if lately escaped from a fire. The results were not good. Not good at all.

16. Victoria Clay, model, wearing Lasula Boutique.

Victoria is redefining the word ‘underboob’ in a body with not nearly enough fabric and some uncomfortably crotch-cuddling, striped trousers. The body costs £17. One must sadly conclude that Victoria overpaid…..

OK, Readers. Get voting…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WTF Somewhere Over the Rainbow Special

Hallo Readers,

A border is a thing that marks the difference between your land and someone else’s land. That is yours, this is mine. It might be a fence or a wall or a river; it might be barbed wire or just a sign that says “you are now in Scotland” or “welcome to Wiltshire”.  Sometimes, you can just wander from one place to another or from one country to another without a problem, whether you are in a car or driving a bloody great lorry full of widgets. And sometimes you can’t. Welcome to Brexit.  Here’s the thing. The UK is leaving the EU. Northern Ireland is leaving the EU because the UK is leaving the EU. The Republic of Ireland is not leaving the EU. Which means that one part of the island of Ireland is going to be in the EU (their bit) and one bit is not (our bit). So how do we keep those foreigners in their bit out of our bit? What if those foreigners arrive in their bit of Ireland and then try and cross the border into our bit and thence to the mainland? Where there used to be barbed wire and body searches and queues and soldiers waving their guns at you, now you can just pop across from our bit to their bit and back again and they can do the same. The people in our bit don’t want to return to the old days, and nor do the people in their bit. But then what happened where foreigners try to get in to the UK from their bit into our bit? No one knows the answer. That is because no one had ever considered the question. That is because no one realised that there was a question. Certainly not David Davis, the Secretary of State for Brexit, who this week threw a hissy fit and threatened to resign from the Cabinet unless some definite date was set for us to regain control of our own borders and impose our own tariffs and take our country back. There is only one problem with Davis’ ultimatum. He has no solution. Nothing. Nada. 

And so we have to hang around in the customs union until a time somewhere over the rainbow when a solution is miraculously conjured up by the political equivalent of Mr Magic the Magic Man. This will involve developing some technology, which no one has actually invented yet, so that seagulls will be equipped with cameras. Anybody even a little bit Irish will be able to drive or walk or cycle across the border quite freely because the seagulls will be able to detect their Irishness and send messages in morse code to the border officials hidden in dugouts; whereas Fritz from Frankfurt with his lorryload of lager or Woyzek from Warsaw, hoping to sneak across the border and thence to London to carry out some cut price plumbing, will be identified and stopped and fined and surcharged and all sorts. And everyone will be happy. Or something.

Meanwhile Boris Johnson whose mouth and whose brain have no obvious connection, was caught on tape bemoaning the fact borders were getting in the way of Brexit. “It’s so small and there are so few firms that actually use that border regularly, it’s just beyond belief that we’re allowing the tail to wag the dog in this way. We’re allowing the whole of our agenda to be dictated by this folly.”  He is also concerned that “we may not get the Brexit we want”,  i.e. one where we can just bugger off without worrying about silly little inconveniences like customs unions and borders and being able to lie your head off to the British people without having to substantiate it, where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, and bluebirds fly. His solution? Apparently Mrs May should emulate Trump in her negotiating style. Ye Gods….

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We start our review of the week’s fashion follies at the British Soap Awards where horror is always in abundance. This is a good example, in the shape of Emmerdale actress Jessica Ellis, wearing Hart Work.

Joseph has a coat of many colours but at least he did not team it with a purple tunic with seams more puckered than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm, and a bad Cleopatra haircut.

This is Coronation Street villain Connor McIntyre.

WTF has not watched Corrie for years as it has more homicides than a feature-length version of Midsomer Murders. How does any resident ever manage to get life insurance? Their premiums must be astronomical. But I disgress. The real criminal is whoever designed this appalling turmeric yellow velveteen suit, like a cheap sofa, looking even more horrible against the Red Carpet, and inexplicably teamed with baby blue trainers.

Also from  Corrie, we have actress Lucy Fallon wearing designer to the soap stars, Zeynep Kartel.

She should have borrowed Connor’s blue trainers. So ill-fitting and creased is the dress that draping a net curtain over it will not do. Frankly what is needed is a blackout curtain….

We pass by Nashville and the Country Music CMT Awards, where we meet singer Granger Smith.

This is obviously the singing Walton, the one who works in the fish market. And is totally half-witted.

To the CDFA Awards and young model Kaia Gerber,wearing Alexander Wang.

Kaia is 16 and presumably still growing, a waif-like version of her supermodel mother Cindy Crawford. Alexander Wank has dressed her in a shirt that makes her look like an extra from Escape from Alcatraz and a pair of gentlemen’s under-crackers with her skinny little legs encased in black tights. She is cuter than cute but even she cannot make this look good.

And at the same event, singer Ciara wearing Monse.

Ciara looks as if she has been caught in an explosion which has ripped the shoulders off her DJ, leaving only a fragment covering her boobs, as round as a couple of bagels. Meanwhile, appalled onlookers have been left in fear of an imminent minge moment. If Monse must to leave her with nothing but a faux shirt under the jacket, at least let it cover the crotch…..

This is fashion guru and designer Tan France from Netflix’s series Queer Guy. 

As far as WTF can see, Tan has come dressed as the UPS guy from Legally Blonde.

legally blonde

Finally, to the iHeart radio event and singer Meghan Trainor wearing Off-White.

WTF hates split trousers almost above all things, because they are as much use as a waterproof teabag. If a judo fighter in kinky boots went to a fancy dress party dressed as a flamingo, this is what she would look like. Matters are not improved by the pink turd on her head.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes (yet again)  from WTF aficionado Sue Peters who has come up with this appalling Balenciaga thing purporting to be a ‘t-shirt shirt’. Yes, really….

If you are totally raving mad, you can buy this price of dreck for – wait for it – £935!!!!!!! To maximise the cost per wear, you can wear the shirt bit at the back or at the front, but you will look like a total twat either way. Whatever they were paying that poor model, it was not enough. The whole outfit has very definitely Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday for your WTF Summer Stinker 2018. Be good x

 

 

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, CDFA 2018, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Country Music Awards, David Davis, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Politics, Scotland, Theresa May, TV Soap Awards, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Don’t #FreeTommy Special

Hallo Readers,

There have been some major miscarriages of justice – the Guildford Four, the Birmingham Six, Stefan Kiszko. The conviction and incarceration of Stephen Christopher Yaxley-Lennon, aka Tommy Robinson, is not one of them. Yet Robinson’s latest spell inside has prompted an international outcry. Half a million morons have signed a petition to free this Prisoner of Zenda and Nelson Mandela all rolled into one, a champion of free speech festering in a fetid dungeon for daring to expose a cover-up. The truth, however, is somewhat less inspiring.

Mr Valiant-for-Truth is a racist scumbag who used to head up the English Defence League, a bunch of far-right nationalist thugs. Robinson, who owns a sunbed shop in Luton, first went to prison for beating up an off-duty policeman who had intervened in a public row our hero was having with his girlfriend. Since then, he has been in and out of jail like a fiddler’s elbow for public order offences, assaults various, using a fake passport and mortgage fraud.  In between his sojourns at Her Majesty’s Pleasure, Robinson has denounced immigration and Islam, never happier than when someone Islamic mows down white people or stabs a copper so that he can appear at the scene and preach hate. Last year he was given a suspended sentence after recording Muslim men on trial for child sex offences in Canterbury Crown Court, conduct which could have prejudiced their trial. This year, he turned up at Leeds Crown Court where another alleged child grooming trial of a group of Muslim men was taking place. Robinson stood on the court steps, live-streaming and shouting loudly about Muslim paedophiles, despite the trial judge having imposed an order restricting any reporting during the proceedings. Robinson was sentenced to 13 months (the original ten months from last year, and another three for breaching his suspended sentence) and is now back inside.

A fecal stream of inaccuracy was released into the Twittersphere. #FreeTommy warriors are untroubled by, and ignorant of, both the law and the facts. It is said he was denied a trial by jury, although the offence of contempt of court is triable by the judge, not a jury. It is said he was denied a lawyer, although he had a very experienced barrister. It is said that he was only given a ‘prosecution lawyer’;  WTF does not even know what one of those is, but it is bollocks. It is said he was coerced into pleading guilty, except he was not. It is said he was exposing the secrecy with which perverts are dealt with by our oh-so politically-correct society, except that the case is still ongoing, in a public court, where a jury is hearing the facts and will decide innocence or guilt; the effect of the order is that no one can report anything until the end of the proceedings to avoid prejudicing a fair trial, not that everyone is forever silenced. 

Nevertheless, everyone is now a Professor of Jurisprudence, including dimwits from Dunstable and Duluth whose combined knowledge of the English legal system could be written on a badger’s left buttock. But of course, this is not about freedom of speech. This is about Islamophobia. Do you suppose that Mr Valiant-for-Truth would have been hanging about a court where white men were accused of these offences? Or that Dave from Dudley or Les from Little Rock would have been campaigning for the Bedfordshire Arkady Babchenko? Tommy is a poster boy for bigots, Islamophobes and nationalists. The same people who claim to honour the Flag and who voted Brexit to regain control of our courts do not care about any of that if it results in a racist criminal jeopardising a fair trial of brown people. As far as WTF is concerned, Robinson can rot in jail and his pig-ignorant, knuckle-dragging, supporters can shut the hell up.

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Let us cheer ourselves up with a review of the week’s sartorial slurry, starting with singer Lady Gaga , wearing Gareth Pugh.

It would be foolish to expect Lady Gaga not to look foolish, but this time she has outdone herself.  Usually there is something hanging out somewhere but here she is dressed as a bleached reggae toy leopard, complete with leopard leggies and paws. 

Meanwhile, the last time WTF saw shoulders like that, they were on Tom Brady.

Still in New York, we encounter actress Olivia Munn, wearing Adriana Iglesias.

These are cropped pyjamas worn with a bra and sandals. What this is not is outdoor wear. Not even at all.

To Los Angeles, and singer Leona Lewis wearing Atelier Prabal Gurung.

It may be Atelier Prabal Gurung, but it looks as if the St John’s Ambulance kiddies’ brigade have had a practice session, with Leona gamely volunteering to be their mock casualty. On this evidence, they definitely need more practice.

Now we find ourselves in Paris where the designers are showing us their Cruisewear Collections. Here is preposterous fashion blogger Bryanboy, wearing Louis Vuitton.

He looks like a particularly camp Cherubino in trainers about to sing Voi Chi Sapete in The Marriage of Figaro.

Gucci Cruise also produced some stinkers, like this getup on artist Petra Collins .

Petra’s silver tit looks like the finial at the end of a curtain pole holding up heavy purple velvet drapes.

finial

This is also bad. Meet South Korean singer and actor K.A.I. 

It is true that WTF has been ranting on for some time now about men’s silly short jackets, but this is going too far the other way, i.e. downwards, not to mention the knee-length sweater underneath it. As if to make up for the excess of lairy checks, the trousers are hovering around the ankles like a pair of tartan hummingbirds. However, WTF’s chief ire is reserved for the farcical fringed headpiece.


One of our regulars, singer Jennifer Lopez wearing Ralph and Russo.

We have had Petra in velvet curtains. Now we have Jennifer in net curtains. What is the purpose of sheer white trousers other than to flap around her feet? She risks going arse over tit with every step…..

Finally, we have actress Shirley Rumierk. wearing who even knows what?

The Paley Honors: A Gala Tribute to Music on Television Presented by Verizon, New York, USA - 15 May 2018

Shirley may or may not be wearing panties but that is not the issue. The issue,  dear Readers, is that she looks as if she isn’t, which is bad; and worse, she appears to have undergone a particularly stringent bikini wax, leaving only what is called “the French”. Ooh la la….

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Annie Bishop who has come up with this splendid contribution in the shape of a £2,000 “sweater” from Calvin Klein. Are you ready? You won’t be, trust me…

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This is not a sweater, this is a tit-airer with sleeves.  What, exactly, is the point of the sleeves? Your tits are warm but your arms are chilly? How often does that happen? And those codpiece trousers are seriously shocking as well. The whole outfit has very definitely  Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

 

 

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion Disasters, Paris Fashion Week, Politics, Rochdale, Rotherham, Tommy Robinson, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

WTF Much Ado about Nothing Special

Hallo Readers, 

Did anyone actually think that an orange numbskull with the attention span of a gnat, who has been winging it since the day of his inauguration, and whose idea of diplomacy consists of removing a speck of dandruff from the President of France’s lapel whilst loudly announcing what he is doing to the world’s press, would manage to denuclearise North Korea? Why? There was as much chance of Spanky persuading Kim Jong Un to give up his nuclear weapons as there was of Kim persuading Spanky to confess to collusion with the Russians. It was never going to happen.

Yesterday Spanky called it off. It was Much Ado about Nothing without the happy ending. Benedick is played by Spanky and Beatrice by Kim. (Remember that in Shakespeare’s day, all the roles used to be played by men). At the beginning of the play, Beatrice and Benedick have a long standing antipathy. Beatrice has called Benedick a ‘dotard’. Benedick has referred to Beatrice as ‘little rocket person’ . “Courtesy itself must turn to disdain if you come in her presence.” But like many dramatic antipathies, this one bristles with sexual tension. Finally, they are brought together by the sleight of hand of their friends Don Pedro (President Moon Jae-In) and Hero (Mike Pompeo). Amazed, Beatrice and Benedick find themselves falling in love and resolve to meet on 12 June to consummate their relationship. Sadly, it is not to be. Benedick gets cocky and mints coins to mark the date, boasting how Beatrice has already succumbed to his charms. Don John, (John Bolton) goes on every Sunday news show saying that Beatrice has agreed to relinquish her rockets, and comparing her to Benedick’s former conquest Libya, who wound up used and humiliated. Beatrice gets the dead raving needle and insults Benedick’s friend Claudio, (Mike Pence), calling him “stupid” because he openly agreed with what Don John said. Benedick says he is enraged although in truth he suspects he is about to get dumped, and gets his blow in first by sending Beatrice a letter of sheer poetry. “Dear Beatrice, I saw on Fox News that you have been bad mouthing my mate, which will not play well with my 30%. So it’s over. I can go back to what I love best, golf and spreading lies on Twitter. It could have been so good between us, but you blew it bigly. I know you think you have your weapons, but remember, my button is much, much, bigger than your button. So that’s it. If you change your mind and want to play nice, you can always write or call me.”  The only upside of the whole sorry debacle is that the Nobel Peace Prize, for which Spanky was nominated by eighteen sycophantic Republicans, is further away than Pyongyang on foot from Washington DC. And we all know that Spanky cannot go more than 100 yards without a golf cart…

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To the Royal Wedding, which was rather splendid. WTF, watching on her laptop from Rome, came to sneer but turned into a blithering idiot, yelling “she’s in mint green!” and “Here comes Meghan!!!” (Yes, the dress didn’t fit, anywhere, which was a shame, seeing as it cost the same as a couple of houses in Windsor High Street, but she still looked gorgeous). The music was great and WTF even quite liked the Bishop, although he went on so long, it was nearly time for the Cup Final. Here is a tip, your Grace – do not say “I must wrap it up, we need to get y’all married” and then carry on for another ten minutes. It is irksome. Leave them wanting more…

And now let us turn our attention to the worst dressed guests, starting with fitness trainer and wannabe celebritee, Chloe Madeley, wearing Reiss, seen here with her fiancé, England rugby player, James Haskell.

James, an old mate of the groom, looks fine, but the same cannot be said of his fiancée. This is what WTF aficonado Thane Prince describes as #titgate. Even if you have tip-top titties, you do not flash them, sans bra, in a church, let alone in St George’s Chapel. And here is a WTF rule – a fascinator is not a hat, not even at all. It is a saucer with feathers.

Here is superstar billionaire Oprah Winfrey wearing Stella McCartney.

To be fair to Oprah, this dress was run up at the last minute, after she realised that her preferred outfit was inappropriate and had to beg Stella to conjure up something overnight. Even so, it is far too tight over the chest, making her look like an over-stuffed armchair, whilst the skirt resembles a bordello lampshade.

Benjamin Franklin said there were only two things certain in life: death and taxes. WTF would add a third: that the Hinge and Bracket of the Royal Family, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice, will always feature in this blog on any big occasion.  Here is Eugenie, wearing Gainsbourg.

Come fly with me, 1970’s style.

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And Beatrice, wearing Roksanda.

Like an outbreak of frothy teal pustules….

And here is their aunt, Princess Anne, wearing who knows what?

HRH has dedicated her life to dressing as badly as possible and has been faithful to that mission for the last fifty years. Many commentators likened this ensemble to Hugh Hefner’s dressing gown, but WTF takes the view that Anne is channeling  Alexandr the meerkat. Simples!

To New York and singer Solange Knowles, at the Parsons Event, wearing Shanel (sic) and Y/Project.

Oh the irony! Solange was being honoured for her commitment to fashion, but frankly, she looks as if she should just be committed. Insofar as WTF is able to deconstruct this outfit, the top seems to consist of a tit ribbon and the remains of a shirt after the rest has been ripped up for dusters. The Transformer trousers, by Y/Project, have transformed the trousers into a nappy with leg covers and groin gaps. On the plus side, the sandals are excellent.

Next we go to the Billboard Music Awards, always a rich source of sartorial stupidity, starting with a rapper called Lil’Pump, né Gazzy Garcia.

Is that a tattoo on his chin or some sort of facial growth? This whole look is simultaneously silly and scrofulous, he has forgotten his teeshirt and those jeans are a health hazard. But if you are going for silly and scrofulous, you should avoid pimping it up with a $350 Gucci belt.

Singer Julia Michaels, wearing Morphew.

WTF is sorry to observe that this dress can best be described as trailer trash bride.

Singer Christina Aguilera, wearing 16Arlington.

The last time WTF saw this much pinstripe, it was at the underwriters’ annual general meeting at Lloyds of London. Just terribly, terribly, terrible.

Makeup guru Patrick Starr, wearing who even knows what this is…..

Blooming heck…..If a mutant grasshopper went to a fancy dress party dressed as Carmen Miranda, this is what it would look like. 

Rappers Sandra Denton and Cheryl James, aka Salt-N-Pepa

Sandra is wearing an encrusted body stocking with a minge mask. Cheryl is wearing a plastic flasher mac.  They should both have stayed at home.

Finally, here are dancer and singer Frankie Grande, half brother of Ariana Grande, seen with actress Erika Joyce.

Erika needs to take a size up, and there is more train than dress. Frankie  has a badger’s bum haircut and looks like a Popeye in a tux at a gay wedding. As for the footwear, Neil Armstrong wore those boots when he stepped onto the moon.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionados Leslie and Nick from Lisson Grove, who are enraged, with every justification, by food being consumed in cinemas. They write, ‘Today’s audiences appear not to be able to sit quietly for two hours without chomping constantly from a selection of smelly, noisy, food – burgers, cheesy nachos (with that vile sauce), popcorn (which was hoovered up from the floor after the last audience left!), fizzy drinks, served in oil drum sized containers etc. The ticket price of a decent film in a comfy chair is almost topping £25 and for that price you feel that you are surrounded by a herd of manatees eating their body weight in sea lettuce. No one will starve in the time it takes to watch a film’. Agreed. It’s Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

Posted in Billboard Music Awards, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Meghan Markle, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Royal Wedding, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

WTF Met Gala Mega-Nonsense Special

Hallo Readers,

Democracy is a pain. You have to put up with idiotic decisions made by other people because they are more of them.  Or, in the case of the USA, there are less of them but the cockamamie system lets an orange moron win even though they are less of them. In June 2016, the majority in the UK made an idiotic decision. A catastrophic decision. We were going to leave the EU because…. because….well? In some cases, they voted to leave because they wanted their sovereignty back. In some cases, they voted to stop foreigners clogging up the system. Some voted because they were fed up with those pesky human rights, even though human rights are part of the Convention of Human Rights and nothing to do with the EU. Some voted because they wanted to give the establishment a bloody nose. That worked, didn’t it?  Some wanted to give the NHS £350m a week. Some have no idea why they voted. And others simply did not understand the facts. Even those who voted to stay. What the hell did we know about the Customs Union? What thought did we give to the Irish Border? The old saying is that in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. In this country, we all seem to have glaucoma. The Prime Minister leading us out of the EU is and always was pro-EU.  The Opposition Leader who pretended to be pro-EU has always hated the EU. Opposition MPs who are pro-EU are silent. Government politicians who are pro-EU, and have been since the beginnings of recorded time,  are reviled by their colleagues, who actually agree with them, but for whom power is more important. And the lunatics are in charge of the asylum, with no idea what to do next, except to blame the foreigners who are not falling over themselves to assist us to leave them and who, for some unfathomable reason, do not see why they should give us exactly what we had before but without us paying for it. Who knew?

Which leaves us in the very strange position of trying to save ourselves from the worst excesses of idiocy by the most undemocratic body imaginable. The House of Lords. That body of arse-lickers, bank-rollers, lick-spittles, has-beens, no-marks, aged thespians, the clinically dead, retired generals, civil servants on a fuck-off pension, and those looking for somewhere to have a nice lunch and an afternoon snooze and cannot be bothered to join the Garrick, or who can be bothered to join the Garrick but cannot afford to stump up the joining fee or who can afford to stump up the joining fee, but who have been blackballed because they are too boring. No one has voted for any of them. Once in, they cannot be got out again, however heinously they may behave. And yet this shower, a group of people one would normally despise, and whose tenure is based upon privilege, politics and patronage, is all that appears to be standing between us and the slavering jaws of the Hard Brexiteers and the Daily Mail. At least whilst everyone else is changing sides and standing where they are unaccustomed to stand, the Daily Mail is exactly where we all expect it to be – screaming ‘traitor’ at anyone and everyone who stands in the way of an up-yours exit. For which relief, much thanks, otherwise none would even have the faintest idea which side is up.

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Off we go to to the Met Gala, where the theme for the night was ‘Heavenly Bodies – Fashion and the Catholic Church’, a celestial chance for everyone to look like a prat and for the Daily Mail to bust a gut in outrage. Let us begin with actress and producer Sarah Jessica Parker, wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

Dolce & Gabbana have dressed Sarah as the Queen of Hearts. Not Princess Diana, but the other one from Alice in Wonderland. The only difference is that Sarah is wearing a shrine as a hat.

And talking of icons, here is actor Darren Criss, also wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

Darren has got himself on his own jacket. Honestly. Even Jesus Christ did not goeth around with a picture of Himself on his garments. And Darren is no Jesus Christ. WTF also wishes to object in the strongest terms to Darren’s trousers, which have had a catastrophic fallout with his ankles.

Lawyer Amal Clooney wearing Richard Quinn.

There is a lot going on here, and none of it good. Presumably the huge semi-skirt-train is supposed to invoke the Garden of Eden, but what the rumpled silk trewsies and the tinfoil breastplate are for, WTF cannot say.

Lewis Hamilton wearing Tommy Hilfiger, for whom he is Global Ambassador.


Are those trainers welded onto his feet? He never seems to wear anything else and they look positively preposterous with that be-jewelled suit, which is not so much communion boy as Barry Manilow in his pomp. Could it be magic? No. And Readers! He has rolled up his trousers better to show off the trainers!

Momager Kris Jenner, also wearing Tommy Hilfiger.

Aficionado Julia immediately messaged WTF on sight of Kris to observe that her outfit was “like a car wash roller dressed for the garage Xmas party”  She is not wrong.

Annoying little twerp, rapper Jaden Smith wearing Louis Vuitton.

Not only does his outfit have nothing to do with the theme of the night, but the lad brought along his gold record to show us! From which WTF can only conclude that Jaden loves himself so much that he regards his very presence as a religious experience.  Just. Go. Away.

Actress Shailene Woodley, wearing Ralph Lauren.

Blimey, it is Joan of Arc re-imagined as a pantomime boy in kinky boots. ‘Au secours! Look behind you, Joan!!!! There are some dastardly Englishmen about to barbecue you! Boooo!’

Model Cara Delevigne, wearing Dior.

Cara has come to the party dressed as a confessional, complete with the grill separating priest and congregant. (Did she drink her champagne through a straw? Just asking). Doubtless there are many people of both genders who would like to enter, but possibly for motives that would then oblige them to go to a real confessional and be very, very, penitent indeed. 

American footballer Cam Newton, wearing Versace.

There is no reason why a Mountie in welder’s goggles should not be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven, but Cam’s choice of headgear was a trifle unexpected. WTF has no problem with the jacket, and would even be prepared to overlook the shirt collar with wingitis and the wonky bow tie, but below the waist it all goes horribly wrong. His trousers are more snuggly than Prince Harry and Meghan Markle going through the wedding RSVPs, and he has also forgotten his socks.

Actress and director Greta Gerwig, wearing The Row.

The dress appears to be the result of a night of passion between Mary Queen of Scots and the Mother Superior who warbled Climb Every Mountain to Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. All she needs are a crucifix and a wimple.

Rapper Cardi B, wearing Moschino by Jeremy Scott.

Cardi, who is pregnant, is flashing a magnificent pair of knockers, but who knew that angels could be with child? 

Gucci designer Alessandro Michele, singer Lana del Rey and actor/singer Jared Leto, all wearing Gucci.


It is indicative of the madness of this terrible trio that Alessandro looks the least loony of the three of them. Lana has been shot with arrows that have also taken out the pet bird in a basket perched on her head. Jared, who should be taken out, period, is dressed as Jesus Christ with a crown of golden thorns in a blue suit and pink pussycat bow. As a Jew, WTF is unfamiliar with the New Testament, but she suspects that a pink pussycat bow was not His outfit of choice.

Singer Katy Perry, wearing Atelier Versace.

Funky Chicken meets Icarus. And remember what happened to Icarus. However beautiful the dress and boots, this is just certifiably bonkers.

And finally, singer Solange wearing Iris van Herpen.

This is the story of St Solangé of Houston who devoted her life to promoting the risible fashions of mad designers. One day Solangé went to the Met Gala in order to help Iris, a poor little Dutch girl. Iris did not have much money and could only afford to put Solangé in a dress and boots made from reconstituted plastic bin bags. Solangé stood under the blaze of flash bulbs and TV lights on a hot, sultry, night in New York, whereupon the dress and boots melted onto her, causing her to die in hideous agony. Such was her godliness, however, that she kept smiling until the end, whereupon the Good Lord crowned her with a filigree gold halo.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF of Islington who is totally fed up with see-through, peekaboo, wedding dresses, like this one from Pronovias.

If you want to get married, get married. But desist from flashing your fanny at the spouse and your guests. The spouse will get a chance to look at it later. Everyone else is just there to eat the canapés and get pissed. It has Got to Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 

 

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Labour Party, Politics, Uncategorized, US Election, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments