WTF Mega-Super-Ginormous Grammys Special

Hallo Readers

Until recently, Boris Johnson was not known for his ability as a conjurer. As an adulterer, certainly. As a liar, definitely.  As someone lazy and unwilling to read his brief, without question. But not as a conjurer. However, one is never too old to be surprised, usually unpleasantly, and Johnson’s ability to make money disappear into thin air (not dishonestly, just by being utter rubbish at his job) has been highlighted by the detailed breakdown of the £53 million spent during his tenure as Mayor of London on the Garden Bridge, a nonsensical leafy white elephant that was supposed to provide pedestrian access across the Thames by Temple Station. We all knew that Johnson could waste money – remember the £331,000 spent on three water cannon that were never deployed and were sold for £11,000? But at least there were three actual water cannon, albeit that they were never actually used because Theresa May, then the Home Secretary, blocked it. In the case of the Garden Bridge, there is not so much as a slab of concrete or a potted plant to show for it. The whole thing was a monument to Johnson’s ego and the old-pals act that allowed family friend Joanna Lumley to gain access to the Mayor and persuade him to commission her long-held dream of an oversized folly, London’s version of Kubla Khan’s Stately Pleasure Dome (And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree); except that Kubla Khan paid for his one himself. The design exercise was slanted in favour of architects Thomas Heatherwick, although they had never built a major bridge; of the three firms asked to tender designs, only Heatherwick got the tip-off that the bridge was supposed to be a garden bridge and not an ordinary bridge. Contracts were handed out like goodies at a kids’ birthday party. The Garden Bridge Trust was set up and fully staffed.  It was like a giant bran tub of business opportunities. 

They say that it is an ill-wind that blows nobody any good, and never was this so true as in this case. Thomas Heatherwick & Co were paid £2.7m. Designers, planners, engineers, consultants and technical specialist company Arup was paid £12.4 million. French contractors contractors Bouygues Travaux Publics and Cimolai SpA were paid 21.4 million, including £2.1 million for ‘costs suffered … and charged to the Garden Bridge Trust for the demobilisation of staff, offices and repatriation of plant and labour’. £1.3 million was spent on boreholes and looking for unexploded bombs. Some bloke got £330,000 for designing the leafy bits that were going on top of the bridge. £166,000 was spent on designing the website. The Garden Trust management ended up with £1.7 million in salaries for not raising enough money to build the thing they were being paid to oversee the building of. And of course m’Learned Friends did not miss out – they pocketed £2.3 million, laid in the Krug and purchased new Ferraris and charming holiday cottages in scenic spots. Even the bloke who paid £3,200 to play table tennis with Johnson is getting his money back. But Readers, do you know who aren’t getting their money back? The taxpayers. The council tax payers. The People in London (who are both council tax payers and tax payers). They all shelled out for something that isn’t there, and continue to shell out for Johnson’s pension as Mayor and his salary as an MP.  If only he had never materialised. At least the Garden Bridge looked nice.

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Our weekly survey of sartorial shite takes us to the Grammys, where shockingness was in abundance like summer fruit in an orchard. We begin with Kylie Jenner, wearing Balmain Haute Couture.

This appears to be a candy pink designer straitjacket, worn with very unflattering trousers and pink Marigold washing up gloves.

 

More pink, this time on Tayla Parx,  wearing granny’s bedspread. 

Let us hope that Tayla’s granny is not suffering from the cold, what with her granddaughter swiping her cuddly bedcover (or is it a slanket?), and pairing it with colourfully-hued sneakers. 

 Ben Harper  wearing who can even say what this is?

Ben is of African-American and Cherokee ancestry on his father’s side and his mother is Jewish, but for reasons best known to himself, he turned up dressed like a greeter from a Tijuana flophouse. 

Meghan Trainor, wearing Christian Siriano.

WTF tried to think how this could be any more unflattering and then gave up. Meghan looks like the abominable snowman with tits…. and boy, she seems miserable. 

And now an outbreak of Trump twattery, starting with the ridiculous Ricky Rebel, wearing Andre Soriano.

Andre Soriano specialises in designing ridiculous outfits for ridiculous non-persons to ensure that they get their picture taken at events such as this one. Ricky is a campaigner for LGBT rights. Has he ever had a chat with Mike and Karen Pence and the #MAGA mob, all of whom think he is going to burn in hell? WTF would not advise Ricky to walk into a Trump Rally dressed like this or he might never get out alive.

And here is serial offender Joy Villa.  Joy usually wears Andre Soriano on these occasions, but this time she is wearing Desi Designs.

Oh for Heaven’s sake.  Is she appearing in some sort of Alt-Right version of A Midsummer’s Night Dream?

Pyramus:- O kiss me through the hole of this vile wall.

Thisbe:- [Kneeling to kiss him through the Wall.] I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all.

Post Malone, wearing Ashton Michael and matching bootees by Scott Wayne.

Something very unpleasant is happening in the crotch department, the pink belt is camper than a Village People revival and only Barbie should be seen in pink boots. And probably not even her. Meanwhile, if there one thing WTF cannot abide above all things, even above a neck tattoo, it is a face tattoo.  WHY??????

Katy Perry, wearing Balmain Haute Couture.

Katy has an innate genius for getting it wrong. Like here. Balmain has managed to make her look like Mr Blobby.

Leon Bridges, wearing Bode.

Apparently, this suit is covered in badges of places in Texas, his home State, that mean something to him. That is as maybe, but he looks like a boy scout who has outgrown his trousers…. 

Stylist Jeannie Mai, wearing Balmain.

Yawn. Next. 

Cardi B’s younger sister, ‘social media star’ Hennessy Carolina, wearing not enough.

Like a tangerine Pantomime boy. The pointy minge guard is excessively …er….labial.

And Cardi B herself, wearing vintage Mugler Haute Couture.

In the immortal  words of Cheese, a character in one of WTF’s favourite films, Barry Levinson’s  Tin Men, “there’s definitely some sort of sickness that runs in that family…..”

Andra Day, wearing Cheng-Huai Chuang.

If Phoebe from Sesame Street went to a fancy dress party as a stripper, this is what she would look like.

Finally, here is music engineer and distinguished former winner of the WTF Summer Stinker 2016,  Shawn Everett, looking like a right idiot. No change there….

WTF is struggling to understand what is going on here, but has concluded that Shawn is very excited about the upcoming finale of Game of Thrones and has come dressed as Ser Gregor Clegane, aka The Mountain.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Humfrina who is aghast at the horror that is the Marks  & Spencer Love Sausage. Yes really.

As Humfrina observes, this speaks for itself. M&S decided to mark Valentine’s Day by marketing the Love Sausage. Ooh er missus…. This is more a case of Carry on Up The Khyber than Casablanca and It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

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Posted in Boris Johnson, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Garden Bridge, Grammys, Politics, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Reading Special

Hallo Readers, 

Of all the things that enrage WTF about Brexit, which is pretty much everything, is the new era of do-it-yourselfery, where anyone with barely two brain cells to rub together can pontificate without bothering to learn more about the issues than listening to Nigel Farage on LBC and perusing @ravingmad on Twitter. Everybody now has an opinion. The problem is that an opinion which is not based on fact is not an opinion at all, it is simply verbal flatulence.

Be that howsoever it may be, you would expect rather better of a Government Minister. A Minister should be on top of his brief. In particular, the Minister dealing with Brexit should have some understanding of the issues. And one of the biggest issues around Brexit is the Irish Border. Before peace broke out in long-suffering Northern Ireland, the border was manned by armed British soldiers. Then came the Good Friday Agreement in April 1998. One of the main features of that agreement was a normalising of relations between North and South, with the consequence that citizens of both countries could cross the border freely without having a revved-up squaddie pointing a machine gun at them. And for twenty years, people have crossed the border every day without hindrance. But once we Brexit, that border becomes the only land border between Britain and and the EU, so if we are not in the Customs Union, how is that to be managed? May’s deal, which hit the buffers so spectacularly last month, was for a backstop, which meant that we could never leave, even after the transitional period ending in 2022, unless the thorny problem of the border had been resolved. So if you are in charge of Brexit, the Good Friday Agreement is required reading. A bit like the Bible if you are a priest. Or the script if you are an actor.

The former Secretary of State for Buggering Off, Dominic Raab, occupied the role from July 2018 to November 2018 and then flounced off in protest against the draft deal he himself had negotiated. This week Raab appeared in front of the Parliamentary Northern Ireland Affairs Committee, and was asked whether he had read the Good Friday Agreement. Raab replied ‘Um, I haven’t sat down and started at the beginning and gone through it.. But of course at various points of the negotiations when issues have been raised, it has been an important opportunity to delve into the different aspects very carefully’. In other words, no, he hadn’t. Raab has law degrees from Cambridge and Oxford. He must have read hundreds, perhaps thousands, of pages every week during the course of his studies and then in practice as a lawyer. But with the fate of the nation in his hands, he couldn’t be arsed to read thirty-five pages. The Committee members looked as if they had been slapped in the face with a fish. Raab added ‘It’s not like a novel, you sit down and say ‘do you know what, over the holidays, this is a cracking read’. Yeah, you’re right, Dom. Maybe they should have asked Dan Brown or John Grisham to have a go at drafting it. Then you might have got to the end during your tenure and you might have had a clue what you were talking about. Abject.

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We start our review of the week’s obnoxious outfits with celebritee Kim Kardashian at the amFAR Gala in New York wearing vintage Versace.

Yurgle. Her embonpoint must enter the room five seconds before the rest of her. Ridiculous. And talking of ridiculous, she is not barefoot, she is shod in invisible shoes by Gianvito Rossi.

Ridiculous.

Last week was the Superbowl in Atlanta, and two days beforehand, NFL stars gathered for the annual NFL Honors. This is one of WTF’s favourite events because you always get a lot of men looking very silly. Like Alvin Kamara of the New Orleans Saints, wearing Gentlemen’s Playbook.

There is silky. And there is shiny. And then there is this. He looks like an illuminated, lavender, Christmas tree bauble.

And here is another NFL player, Deshaun Watson of the Houston Texans. wearing a RichFest jacket. You can’t see the Gucci black trousers and OffWhite x Nike trainers. But trust me – they are there.

There is a lot going on here, and none of it good, not least the red collar like the Head Porter at a ritzy hotel in Biarritz. 

Next, we have singer Dua Lipa,wearing Armani Privé.

We are all waiting for the sheer trend to go away and we are still waiting and it looks as if we may be waiting for some time. Armani designed this with the skirt prettily lined, but Dua removed it for the express purpose of flashing her arse, which, in WTF’s view, is not a good enough reason.

Here is actress Jennifer Connelly at the premiere of Alita – Battle Angel wearing Louis Vuitton. As usual.

In effect, this is like a comedy suit of armour made out of an old shopping bag and displaying Jennifer’s somewhat spindly legs.

To London and Scottish singer and celebritee Tallia Storm, wearing who can even say what this is, at the premiere of Lego Movie 2.

Here is a WTF Rule. If it is cold enough for a fur jacket, it is too cold to flash your tummy. Especially in a PVC bralet and matching trewsies. And if the PVC trewsies were not bad enough (and they are, they really are), these also have instant minge access with one zip running around the groin and another running from bellybutton to crotch.

Say hallo to actress Rosamund Pike at the premiere of A Private War, wearing Hermès.

This is a bizarre blend of Annie Get Your Gun and Sonny Corleone in his vest and braces (suspenders to our US friends). WTF was unaware that boob tubes were still a thing, but if they still are, they shouldn’t be.

Rosamund should call the other Hermes, the one without the e-grave, and order them to deliver this load of tat back to the Hermès with the e-grave, and for that Hermès to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Here we are at the Vanity Fair BAFTA party and British designer Joshua Kane,  wearing himself.

Quite apart from Joshua’s ridiculous appearance, like a bespectacled Cavalier (the ones from the 1600’s, not the doggie breed), it is most unnerving to see a man with ladies and gentlemen wandering across his bits.

And finally this is actress and WWE announcer Charly Arnolt wearing something that looks like she isn’t wearing anything at all.

If Donald Trump ever took to cross-dressing and wanted to walk around giving the impression that he was naked, this would be the perfect outfit. Carly’s spherical tittage is as improbable as Donald’s staff giving off-the-record briefings to reporters that he does not use a tanning machine and his tan is down to  ‘good genes’. As if. The only thing that is genetically orange is an orange. 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF stalwart Andrew Purcell from Texas who has brought this utterly revolting thing to WTF’s attention – the fake camel toe panties. Yes really.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! IT IS BAD!!!!!!!

AND HERE IS ANOTHER WARNING TO GO WITH THE FIRST WARNING!!!!!

 

Andrew writes ‘Let me provide you with a brief respite from The Brexit Bunch. This has “Its Got To Go” written all over it.  In a universe that allows Donald Trump to be President, I guess there’s room for… “Fake Camel Toe Underwear”‘. No Andrew, there isn’t. There really isn’t. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

 

Posted in amFAR, BAFTAs, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Dominic Raab, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Good Friday Agreement, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Shutdown Special

Hallo Readers,

Normally employment works like this. The employee does stuff at the employer’s request. Then at whatever period is stipulated in the contract, the employer pays the employee for the stuff he or she has done. But in America, if the Government shuts down because Congress has not passed a budget, Government employees still have to come to work if told to do so, or they may be ‘furloughed’, which means they stay at home until instructed otherwise. But either way, they do not get paid. Nothing. Nada. Zero. When the Government re-opens, they get their pay backdated, (although contractors do not), but in the meantime, they have to draw on their savings. Unless, of course, they have no savings, in which case, they must make interesting choices, such as do they feed their kids or pay the mortgage? Do they put fuel in the car to get to work or pay for the heating bill? Friday 25 January will be Day 35 of the shutdown and people are getting desperate. And furious.

This is happening because President Donald Trump wants his wall.  The one Mexico was going to pay for. That wall. Only Mexico is not going to pay for the Wall, and was never going to pay for the Wall, which means either that there is no Wall or Americans have to pay for it with public money approved by the House and the Senate and signed off by the President. And neither Chamber will give Trump $5.7 billion to pay for the Wall. Trump is refusing to sign off on the original budget, which made no provision for any Wall but gave him $1.3 billion for border security – having said he would sign it, he reneged after right-wing nutters got antsy, and so 800,000 people are currently without pay.

Not that they are getting much sympathy from Trump acolytes. Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross, an 81-year-old multi-millionaire who looks like he died in the night, expressed surprise that people had to go to food banks, and anyway, he said, 800,000 employees’ pay was only a third of 1% of GDP. Trump’s daughter-in-law, Lara Trump, said, ‘Listen, it’s not fair to you, and we all get this, but this is so much bigger than any one person. It’s a little bit of pain, but it’s going to be for the future of our country.” No, love. It’s a little bit of pain when you wake up in the morning and realise you married Eric Trump, the son with a face like a boiled potato and a brain to match. It is a much bigger pain when you worry whether that you can keep a roof over your head.

And so it drags on. Trump pretends there is a ‘humanitarian crisis’ at the Southern Border, talks about ‘invasions’ (although crossings there are at a twenty year low), claims Democrats favour open borders, drug smuggling and uncontrolled crime and maintains that many unpaid workers are firmly behind him. This is what is known as bullshit. Sadly for him, the new Speaker of the House, mother-of-five Nancy Pelosi, is well used to dealing with toddlers’ tantrums, and is more than happy to get into a septuagenarian scrap. This week, she postponed his State of the Union address and Trump has now backtracked on $5.7 billion immediately and is offering to re-open the Government for three weeks in exchange for a ‘pro-rated down-payment’ on the Wall. On Tuesday, he whimpered that Pelosi ditched his State of the Union because she ‘didn’t want to hear the truth’. On the contrary, Mr President. As Jack Nicholson’s Colonel Jessup said, ‘You can’t handle the truth!’ During the campaign, you told a massive lie you cannot make good on, people are now getting hurt, and 70% of your fellow Americans disapprove of the way you are handling this fiasco. Madam Speaker has your little orange balls in a vice and she intends to keep on squeezing until you stop this nonsense and act like a grown-up. 

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We begin’s the week’s sartorial survey with actress Naomi Watts, wearing Nina Ricci.

The colour of this dress makes her look like a melted puddle of strawberry ice-cream. Furthermore, although criticism is alien to WTF’s nature, she feels compelled to remark that the seams are as puckered as Donald Trump’s horrible little mouth.

Next up, we have WTF regular, singer Rita Ora, wearing Dion Lee.

This is the Full Monty with peek-a-boo tits like a Klu Klux Klansman’s hood, mis-matched shades of white, and a skirt made out of that stuff greengrocers put over fruit to stop it bruising, with more than a flash of arse cheek. 

To Newcastle, where we find the “star” of Geordie Shore, Chloe Ferry, wearing Oh Polly, seen here with her boyfriend Sam.

This is not so much under-boob as thunder-boob, and it gets much, much worse, namely the dreaded nip slip. This is what happens when you venture out with your top half wrapped only in a tiny fuchsia bandage.

As for Chloe’s face, there has been major interference with the workings of nature, including a trout pout like something out of Finding Nemo. Here is what she looked like in 2014 before she became a celebritee….

To London, and actress Michelle Keegan at the National TV Awards wearing Dafna May.

One day Dafna may design a dress that doesn’t make the wearer look like a creosoted Sugar Plum Fairy. 

Here is actress Bella Thorne, née Annabella Thorne, and her boyfriend, singer Mod Sun, né Derek Smith.

Bella is showing an awful lot of chest and could well catch a chill. If it is cold enough to wear a coat, it is too cold to flash your embonpoint. As for her beau, he is also showing far more chest than anyone wants to see, including more artwork than Michelangelo’s sketchbook, and he has substituted what look like wind-chimes for a shirt. And as WTF aficionado Belinda rightly observed, no one should be allowed out in public with a mouth open that wide.

Here is rapper Cardi B, wearing Dolce & Gabbana. 

It is best to leave it to Cardi B to explain what is occurring. ‘… these pants is too mother–king tight. S–t was giving my p—y a wedgie. I hate having p—y wedgies, bro. My p—y be screaming at me like, ‘Bitch! You got me f–ked up! You want a yeast infection, bitch? You want a f–king yeast infection?'” WTF would advise either taking a size up or, better still, leaving this foul outfit on the hanger,

Finally, here we are at Paris Menswear Week where we encounter actor Robert Pattinson wearing Dior Homme.

At first WTF assumed that aficionado Kathryn had sent her a picture of a tramp on the Champs Elysées, but she then realised that it was Robert in designer togs, unkempt hair and a pallor last seen on someone exhumed by order of the Coroner. Why Dior Homme has found inspiration in Bill Sykes from Oliver!, WTF cannot say….


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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Sue Peters who was rightly horrified that magazine Marie-Claire had advised women to kick-start their period by inserting parsley into their vaginas. Health professionals reacted with sorrel, with one gynaecologist remarking ‘there are only a few things that should go into your vagina and parsley is not one of them’. This is sage advice that women should fennel if they want to stay in mint condition.

Clearly Marie-Claire got caraway with this nonsense, and the article has since been withdrawn. Why would any female want to turn their lady garden into a herb garden? It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Immigration, Nancy Pelosi, Lara Trump, Paris Fashion Week, Politics, Uncategorized, US Election, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

WTF Knacker’s Yard Special

Hallo Readers,

This week Parliament finally got to vote on Mrs Maybe’s Brexshit deal. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Parliament rejected it. To the surprise of quite a few, it did not just reject it, it jumped up and down on it, kicked it in the goolies, cocked its collective leg over it and then dumped the putrid, mutilated, corpse into a skip. The losing margin of 230 was the largest Parliamentary defeat ever in the history of ever. But on a Vote of Confidence in the self-same Government that had just had its deal rejected, all the Tory MPs who had voted against it, including all the MPs who had voted against the Prime Minister only a few weeks ago, and the DUP, which had been screaming bloody murder all week, trooped merrily through the lobbies to support the woman whose bill they had so comprehensively trashed twenty-four hours earlier. Why? Because half of them did not want an election where the Will of the People could be tested, even though the Will of the People was what they were supposedly fighting for. And the other half of them did not want an election where the Will of the People could be tested, even though the Will of the People was what they were supposedly fighting against, because they want a second referendum instead, or simply just to scrap the whole thing. Meanwhile the Opposition, which did want to test the Will of the People, was actually offering the same option, i.e. Brexshit, as the Government it was seeking to topple, even though this is not party policy. Now the UK has 70 days to come up with something, anything, before the trapdoor opens, and Parliament will not vote for a No-Deal departure either. Instead, Mrs Maybe, who has repeatedly insisted upon upholding the Will of the People and delivering Brexshit, will probably have to postpone our departure currently scheduled for 29 March, or call the whole thing off. Or come up with a better deal, which she can’t. Not to mention that she kept telling us that no other deal could be obtained.

Here’s the thing, Readers. Everyone is making a terrible fool of themselves, and we have become an international laughing stock. What is the point of it? This is not so much flogging a dead horse as attempting to ride it in the Grand National – it is a non starter. It is disqualified before it even gets to the starting gate, let alone the finishing line. Everyone knows it isn’t going to be happen. So why are we investing all this time and effort and expense in stabling it, grooming it, feeding it and advertising its next race? Why aren’t we taking it to the knackers’ yard and at least getting a few quid for the corpse?

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This week, our review of the week’s sartorial slurry comes from the Critics Choice Awards where a variety of horror awaited our appalled gaze. We begin with Roseanne actress and producer Sara Gilbert and her wife, singer Linda Perry.

Sara has forgotten to brush her hair but otherwise passes muster but sadly the same cannot be said of her spouse, whose outfit can best be described as Sir Francis Bacon in platform boots and a flasher mac. And what’s with the mouth, like a giant cold sore?

Director and comedian Bo Burnham wearing Thom Browne.

Bo seems to have been sliced in half and put into two different suits and socks before re-assembly; the only things the two halves have in common are that the jackets are too short and the trousers have had a catastrophic fall out with Bo’s ankles.

Actress Lucy Boynton wearing Gucci.

This is just a bad nightie with very frilly tittage. 

Lucy should have got together with his director, Boots Riley, and his lady friend.

She is dressed as an extra from Oklahoma! Boots (né Raymond) is wearing a dressing gown. For some reason, he took great exception to newspapers pointing out that he was wearing a dressing gown. WTF can clear this matter up. Newspapers pointed this out because Boots was wearing a dressing gown. He might as well have complained that they said he was wearing glasses.

Actress Dina Shihabi, wearing Sandra Mansour.


This dress is like a (rightly) discarded costume for a budget pantomime production of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves. The whole thing is just terribly, terribly, terrible, but that glowing green inter-galatic thing around her hips looks positively radio-active.

Actor Stephan James wearing Thom Browne.

Thom Browne does it again. Stephan must have spent the night with people asking him to bring them another Chablis or more cashews. And why is he wearing combat boots?

Actress Judith Light wearing Christian Siriano.

Cruella de Vil lives.

He’s back again, and WTF suspects we will be seeing him right through Awards season. Here is Cody Fern wearing vintage Yohji Yamamoto and foul Maison Martin Margiela Tabi boots.

Seeing as the suit is vintage, WTF did wonder whether the moths had got at it, but has since concluded that it was indeed designed like that so as to allow emergency access to the wearer’s pancreas. As for the Tabi Boots, WTF is sick of seeing them.

TV host Carrie Keagan wearing Victor Lopez.

Which is the more offensive? Is it the Minge Moment, or those tassels dangling from her shoulders like the entrance to a Kuala Lumpur knocking shop?

Finally, actor Billy Porter wearing Rinat Brodach.

Sartorially speaking, Billy is the gift that keeps on giving and here he has gift-wrapped himself in brown silk more wrinkled that a Shar Pei’s bum and a bow big enough to encase the Statue of Liberty.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado and stalwart Leslie from Lisson Grove, who has taken great issue with this male legwear and with very good reason. Are you ready? You won’t be….meet the concept of Mantyhose manufactured by e-MANcipate. I mean, the names themselves merit a slap before you even get to the horror of the picture.

Why would anyone, male or female, want to wear something that makes them appear to have ulcerative colitis?. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not neglect to send your splendid comments and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

Posted in Brexit, Critics'' Choice Awards, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Jeremy Corbyn, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | 8 Comments

WTF Grayling Special

 

Happy New Year, Readers,
 
But is it?
 
In any sane country, Chris Grayling, Secretary of State, would long since have been consigned to a home for the terminally useless, where he would present even the most skilled physicians with their greatest challenge to date. This King Midas is not so much in reverse as hurtling backwards over a cliff at full speed, showering citizens with ordure as he crashes down to earth. But this is not a sane country, far from it, and so Grayling is in charge of Transport, and in particular, transport in the event of a no-deal Brexshit. Brexshit is already a mess. Add Grayling to the mix, making the mess messier, and you have the perfect storm. Continuing his practice of making a cock-up of everything he touches, he has awarded a £14m contract to run cross-Channel ferries to Seaborne Ferries, a company with no ferries, which has never traded and some of whose directors have a colourful business history. The theory is that we will need extra freight arrangements in order to ease the backlog once we are out of the Customs Union, at which point the the M20 will become a parking lot, Danish insulin will be held up at Calais for days and Dutch tulips will wilt in a 50km queue at Ostend. Even the rehearsal for this scenario was an unmitigated disaster, with £60,000 gurgling down the plughole on an exercise where an insufficient number of trucks volunteered, even at £550 a time, to cause a traffic jam. Matters took a yet more comical turn when the company’s standard terms and conditions turned out to be copied from a home food delivery business, prompting much merriment and cries of “Mine’s a pepperoni pizza with extra mozzarella”. Grayling is, as ever, unrepentant, safe in the knowledge that May cannot sack him as she is a bit short of candidates. Once upon a time, Ministers resigned when they screwed up. Now they  hand out millions to a company where one director’s previous company sank without trace, owing a fortune to Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs, and another director was once banged up for unlawful possession of a shotgun, and then they pop up on TV and radio, boasting of their pride in supporting a “start-up business”. With our money.
 
Meanwhile, shaven-headed yobs with the IQ of a root vegetable are bravely protecting our democracy by harassing and intimidating Remain MPs, most notably Anna Soubry, calling them Nazis and Fascists, and issuing threats against police officers, declaring them to be “fair game”. One hero was caught on camera telling a black copper “and you’re not even fucking British, Mate”. Perish the thought that these protesters could ever be described as “racists”. They just want the Will Of The People to prevail, even though many of The People did not understand the consequences of what they were voting for, and were spoon-fed lies by the ladleful. But the People Have Spoken and so here we are, less than three months from B Day, adrift on a friendless sea, our Grayling-commissioned vessel fatally holed below the waterline, and the crew frantically steering it onto the rocks while we bail out the water with jam jars. There are life boats, or the options of changing course or delaying the journey, but Admiral May is determined not to use any of them. As Dido sang, “I will go down with this ship”….

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Our first dip of 2019 into the week’s clothing cloaca is at the Golden Globes in Hollywood, the first of the annual Awards for thespian types. We begin with musician and singer Joanna Newsom, wife of presenter Andy Samberg, wearing Rodarte.


Wearing your heart on your sleeve is one thing. Wearing your heart on your tits is quite another, especially when it is not anatomically accurate and it is also transparent, showcasing visible nipple activity (VNA).

Next up, we have actor Billy Porter, wearing Randi Rahm.

Billy is like a verdant meadow in velvet pumps and white socks. But WTF does admire the shocking pink silk lining, like the dress Marilyn Monroe wore in “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend”.

Next up, we have Killing Eve actress Jodie Comer, wearing Ralph & Russo.

For some reason, Jodie has come dressed as David Copperfield’s aunt, Miss Betsey Trotwood.

Next up, we have actress Indya Moore, wearing Louis Vuitton.

Indya is modelling the newest prototype for Donald Trump’s Big Beautiful Wall. This one really fits the bill, as it is see-through and is apparently made of steel. Sadly, recent tests have demonstrated that you can cut right through Trumpy’s wall. One can but pray that Indya has come prepared….

This is young actor Timothée Chalamet, wearing also Louis Vuitton.

Timothée is a dedicated follower of fashion, and so he has permitted Vuitton to dress him in a sparkling kiddie harness and some very snug-fitting trewsies.

Actress Julianne Moore wearing Givenchy.

Oh Julianne! White is so not your colour, but even worse, you look as if you are in a neck sling. And considering that the outfit is custom made, it doesn’t fit.  

Here is actor Bradley Cooper wearing Gucci with partner, model Irina Shayk, wearing Versace. Irina looks lovely. Bradley does not.

Bradley is wearing a truly terrible suit, like a louche steward on a cruise liner, with elephant vagina crotch and a comedy bow tie.

Actress Kate Beckinsale popped into one of the after parties, wearing Aardnevik.

This appears to be an elongated white Christmas tree that has fallen into the hands of a crazed topiarist, complete with minge fringe.

This is actress Debra Messing wearing Pamela Roland.

At first, WTF thought that a bear had escaped from one of the National Parks, what with the rangers being furloughed for the duration of the US Government shutdown, but then she realised that it was just Debra in a ludicrous frock.

This is Australian actor Cody Fern,wearing head-to-toe Maison Martin Margiela.

Er…OK. It is different, certainly, and very well made, but it is also on the far end of the WEIRD spectrum, with a double helping of extra weird. Margiela’s unforgivable devil’s hoof Tabi boots have previously featured in It’s Got To Go, and rightly so because to call them dog ugly would be a gross insult to canines.

And finally, we have actress Anne Hathaway wearing Elie Saab.

A Boudicca metal breastplate (what happens if the sun shines directly on it, your tits must cook like a couple of chicken fillets) and a skirt for which several animals seem to have died in vain. Why has the World Wildlife Fund not protested? It’s hideous.

And for those who missed the announcement, the winner of the WTF Christmas Turkey 2019 was….drumroll……ASAP ROCKY!!

ASAP Rocky

WTF described this as at the time as Princess Margaret meets Noël Coward and many of you agreed. He was clearly in the lead from the off and stayed there with around 14% of the vote.

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This weeks It’s Got To Go is from Claire from Boston, Mass. who has taken great issue with the use of nouns as verbs, particularly the word “gifting”, which she maintains does not exist, not even at all. Recently even The Daily Telegraph used the word in respect of our own Glorious Majesty, who “​gifted” tiaras to Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle. The Daily Telegraph!! Is this the end of civilisation as we know it?  Because it certainly seems like it. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not neglect to send your splendid comments and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Golden Globes, racism, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

WTF All-Male Christmas Turkey Poll 2018


Hallo Readers

Yes, it is that time of the year again. I mean, the time to vote for the WTF Christmas Turkey 2018 (it went quickly, didn’t it?). This year, after six years of men and women vying for the much-coveted prize, this is an all-male line-up, such is the shockingness of their apparel this year. Men’s fashion has gone totally batshit crazy. Their trousers are not on speaking terms with their ankles. Their jackets are not covering their bums. Their jackets are sometimes worn without shirts or teeshirts, not even of any kind. Their brogues are sans socks. Here are twenty examples of male madness for you to choose from. Remember that you can vote for as many people as you like, and as often as you like – none of that single transferable vote stuff here, just good old fashion ticks in the appropriate box or boxes. The guys here appear in first name alphabetical order which absolutely denotes no preference on WTF’s part.

It remains to wish you all a very Happy Christmas, a Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays generally. WTF will be back, tanned and rested, on 11 January 2019.

So – to business. Here is your selection of twenty fashion faux-pas. Off you go!

1.  ASAP Rocky, rapper.

Rocky is usually very dapper, and is the face of Dior Homme. But here he is in Gucci, looking like a cross between HRH Princess Margaret and Noël Coward. Extra minus points for the ridiculous fur-lined slippers.

2. Billy Porter, entertainer.

Several months have passed since Billy appeared in the weekly blog, a prat in a hat, but WTF’s opinion has not changed. Billy is wearing a used condom as a coat. And strangely, that is not even the worst part of it, because that top is truly unforgivable.

3. David Potts, celebritee.

The suit is heinous, and he needs to take several sizes up and lose the tie. Or keep the tie and lose the suit. Or, preferably, both. The same goes for the pose which makes him look like a little boy at his first ballet class.

4. Gareth Gates, singer, (seen here with fiancée Faye Brookes).

Is crushed velvet a thing again? And even if it is, this is the colour of a sick person’s poo, and is a perfect example of a too-short jacket and too-short trousers, and is also very tight over the unmentionables.

5. Harry Styles, singer.

Like crushed velvet, flares seem to be back, but these trousers are not so much flares as a couple of inverted Laura Ashley lampshades.

6. Jalen Mills, American footballer.

Just because he has a tattooed chest does not mean that it can be worn in substitution for a shirt. The watch and the neck chain must weigh about the same as a whole room in Fort Knox, and there is no excuse for having a frog perched on your head.

7. Jared Leto, actor.

Ah Jared! Bless him! As WTF remarked at the time, this is Game of Thrones meets American Pie.

8. JaVale McGee, basketball player.

WTF cannot improve on the tweet from a JaVale fan at the time, observing, ‘I get that it’s Gucci or whatever, but do you really gotta put that shit on your waist ‘n all, u could’ve just left it in the car or some shit. That’s why they got Pockets for that stuff.’  Indeed.

9. Jonathan van Ness, TV fashion guru.

It isn’t that he is wearing a skirt. It is actually rather a nice skirt. It is the sheer top, the visible shorts, and the Angelina Jolie Oscars pose. Yurgle.

10. Julian Schnabel, artist and film director.

Yes, he is a famous artist and film director, but facts are facts, and it is a fact that he is wearing his pyjamas on the Cannes Red Carpet. He may have a blazer over it with toning buttons, but they are still pyjamas. End of.

11. Kanye West, rapper, seen with wife Kim Kardashian.

It takes a lot of effort to look worse than Kim, but Kanye manages it effortlessly.  The suit may be Vuitton, but he seems to have slept in it, there is chest instead of shirt, and he is wearing slides from his label Yeezy WITH GREY SOCKS.

12. Laurence Fishburne, actor.

WTF aficionado  Philippa Charles asked “are those trousers on L Fishburne or did he have to do some crafty work with a tablecloth after an unfortunate spillage/splittage???“ And frankly, there can be no other explanation.

13. Lewis Hamilton, racing driver.

Lewis specialises in looking like a pillock, and this is pillock plus. Having dissed his little nephew for wearing a skirt, and being covered in obloquy as a result, (including bolting out of nowhere to win last year’s WTF Christmas Turkey), Lewis thought he would make amends by appearing in this Tommy Hilfiger-designed kilt. The question is, what is he going to wear next year to make amends to the Scots for this year?

14. Nick Cannon, singer and TV talent-show judge.

On the plus side, it is very colourful. On the minus side, it is seriously terrible, and that includes the headscarf and sunglasses.

15. Nico Tortorella, actor.

Since when did fashion consist of a string vest, pyjama bottoms, a kimono with writing on it, and a hat last seen on Michael Crawford in Some Mothers Do ‘Ave Them? Oooooh, Betty.

16. Patrick Starr, makeup artist.

If a giant orange Gerbera Daisy went to a fancy dress party as Carmen Miranda, this is what it would look like.

17.  Pedro Capó  singer.

This suit, like a cloth backgammon board, is capable of causing severe retinal damage and constitutes a veritable health hazard. And he isn’t wearing socks.

18. Robert Pattinson, actor.

It is all going so well until the kneecaps and then it all goes horribly wrong, an overgrown schoolboy with skinny little legs and a farouche expression.

19. Thom Yorke, singer.

The suit is like the dark blue section of the Dulux colour chart and is made much, much, worse by those slides. Gentlemen – please remember that if you show your toes, you need to get a pedicure first. Thank you.

20. Tommy Dorfman, actor.

This is designed by Thom Browne, the man who gave us the shorts suit. Ironically, this is the time when a pair of shorts would have been very welcome, as the whole thing is very Britney Spears singing ‘Whoops, I Did It Again’.

 

OK readers, get voting!!!! See you on 11 January. Love and kisses to you all.

 

Posted in Cannes Film Festival, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Grammys, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

WTF Pink Elephant Special

Hallo Readers,

It is almost Christmas and so WTF thought she would end the year with a fairytale for you. Next week will bring you the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey 2018, and then there will be a break until 11 January 2019 while WTF suns herself on the other side of the world and drinks a lot of Riesling and Pinot Noir.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

Once upon a time, a girl called Theresa lived in a big, tall house in the middle of a city. Theresa was the city’s leader and was obliged to do the people’s bidding. And the people had asked for two pink flying elephants circling above the main square singing ‘Happy’. Now Theresa knew that this request was impossible, but she was a dutiful girl and she tried her hardest to make this happen. She travelled to the Land of the Elephants and had many meeting with Herr Tusk, the Chief Elephant Master, but, as she knew she would, she failed. And so she was obliged to return to the city and tell the people that there were no pink flying elephants, not even of any kind, but that she was holding an option on two grey elephants, who could neither fly nor sing. All they could do was to walk round and round making loud trumpeting sounds and blowing watery snot at onlookers. Oh – and there was a lengthy minimum hire period for the elephants, and a possibility that the lease could go on for years.

The people were furious. The ones who had wanted pink, flying, elephants singing ‘Happy’ refused to accept grey, perambulating, elephants who could not sing and who blew watery snot at them. Those who had always thought that it was cruel to put elephants on show at all were also scornful. Everyone demanded that Theresa return to Herr Tusk to get a better deal, and, if she couldn’t, then she should step down and let the evil pygmies, Mophead and Moggy, carry out the negotiations instead. Mophead and Moggy had promised the people that they would get tough with Herr Tusk and would demand pink, flying, elephants that not only sang ‘Happy’ but also ‘Three Lions on the Shirt’. And if Herr Tusk still failed to oblige, they would buy elephants from somewhere else, spray them pink and fly them around the square on wires, and to hell with the health and safety regulations, which were probably imposed by Herr Tusk in the first place.

The people were not given a vote on whether to go with Theresa or with Mophead and Moggy. Instead, the burghers of the city  had a secret vote and chose Theresa, sending Mophead and Moggy and their pygmy followers scampering back into the shadows. Theresa had won! She was so happy. Except that she now had to go back to Herr Tusk and ask him for pastel-coloured, flying, elephants that sang  ‘Happy’  or at least ask whether she could take the grey, non-singing, elephants on approval. But Herr Tusk held firm. It was the grey, non-singing, elephants on a long lease or nothing at all.

And the thing is, boys and girls, there was no magic wand to turn grey into pink, or perambulating into flying, or watery snot-blowing into singing. There would be no happy ending for Theresa, Mophead, Moggy, the pygmies, or the people. Because there is no such thing as a pink, flying, elephant. An elephant cannot sing Happy. And the moral of the story is not to ask for things you cannot get………

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flatulence at the British Fashion Awards in London and singer Olly Murs, wearing River Island Man.

WTF went off wearing brown after the 1970’s, when she had a very fetching brown Afghan coat with orange embroidery, and a pair of brown platform boots which could only be closed by lying on the bed with one’s leg up at a right angle and a metal coat hook pulling at the zip. Olly’s brown suit makes him look like a draylon teddy bear with black facings and slip-on sneakers.

Next up, we have model and actress Suki Waterhouse, wearing Mulberry.

One can only conclude that Suki spilt something on her skirt or trousers. There is short. And there is a scalloped snatch-sighting. And this is in danger of becoming the latter any moment.

This is model Doutzen Kroes, wearing David Koma.

If a woman with bad liver spots went hula hooping, this is what she would look like.

Finally from this event, we have actress Kristen Scott-Thomas, wearing Valentino.

There is enough fabric here for a small marquee and she appears to have lost an arm in some dreadful accident.

We now move to Los Angeles and the premiere of the movie Aquaman, starring actress Amber Heard, who is becoming something of a fixture in this blog, wearing Minge Maestro, Julien Macdonald.

If there is a body part to be flashed, Julien is your man and this is very typical of his oeuvre. He has dressed Amber as a scaly sea-creature with a minge panel and no feet.

Next we go to an event for designers Herring & Herring, where we encounter actress Olivia Munn,wearing Yanina Couture.

Olivia is wearing a sheer dress patterned with little Regency-period ladies and gentlemen, including one gentleman who appears to be hovering unnervingly close to her lady parts. One should not be expected to put up with scenes of gross indecency on someone’s skirt. WTF has spoken.

This is actress and singer Tessa Thompson wearing Marc Jacobs.

Tessa’s outfit is the lovechild of Aladdin and one of the Duchess of Cornwall’s wedding hats, and she also has a turd on her head.

We haven’t seen actor Jared Leto for a while, but we always knew that he would return – and he has.

Jared is giving us a mashup of Game of Thrones and American Pie, and it is to be deplored.

We are now in London at the Capital FM Jungle bell Ball where we meet singer Marina Diamandis, wearing who can even say what this is?

Wearing a croptop shorts suit decorated with scrunched-up doilies over a pair of net curtains fashioned into trousers is a new one to WTF, and it is an experience that she could happily have lived without, and hopes fervently to be able to do so in the future.

Also there was singer Ellie Goulding, wearing something extremely bad.

WTF is sorry to see Ellie in white incontinence pants and matching bralet over a white shroud, which is not so much ethereal as excruciating.

And last, bringing up the rear, literally, at the Women in Music festival, we have singer Janelle Monáe wearing a deeply preposterous ensemble by Gareth Pugh.

Cowboys wear chaps, yes, but over jeans. They do not have their crotches on display, and with good reason, because when the wind comes whistling through Wyoming, you do not want your nether regions exposed to the elements. These are pinstriped nappy-chaps, and they are manifestly not up to the job. 

The problem with pinstriped nappy-chaps is they do not cover your arse. It might do for Brokeback Mountain but they are ill-advised for ordinary wear. And the length of the trousers is a health hazard.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. We had a bumper fashion fiasco section this week and so It’s Got To Go became It’s Had To Go. But keep sending in your comments and your splendid suggestions for future editions of It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Barack Obama, Boris Johnson, Brexit, British Fashion Awards 2018, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Labour Party, Texas, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment