WTF Mueller Special

Hallo Readers

It is true that any conclusion in the Mueller Report short of condemning Trump to spend the rest of his life in Sing-Sing, preferably suspended by his testicles, would have been a profound disappointment to many, WTF included. So initially, she experienced feelings of deep dissatisfaction when Attorney-General Bill Barr, a man wedged so far up Trump’s arse that he is applying for permanent residence, ‘summarised’  the report into collusion and obstruction by Trump and his election campaign, a report two years in the making. According to Barr, you would have thought that Trump was Mother Teresa and St Francis of Assisi rolled into one portly orange parcel. No collusion! No obstruction! Witch-hunt! Presidential Harassment! 

Unsurprisingly, the actual report, albeit redacted by Barr with his trusty colour-coded  sharpies, turned out to be rather more critical than we had been led to expect. Yes, there was no conspiracy between the campaign and the Russians so as to justify criminal charges, but Trump knew he would benefit from Russian interference on his behalf, and encouraged it, and that his written answers to questions posed to him, and the evidence of some of the witnesses, were somewhat unsatisfactory. Equally, despite Barr’s earlier assurances that Mueller had been unable to conclude that there was no evidence of obstruction, Mueller found that Trump did his best to obstruct the investigation, (he gives eleven instances), including encouraging people not to co-operate, and urging White House Counsel Don McGhan to get the Deputy Attorney-General to sack Mueller (and then instructing him to deny that he had told him). His attempts at orchestrating obstruction were largely  thwarted because his subordinates ignored his instructions. everyone, including Trump and his Press Secretary, told blatant lies. The policy of the Justice Department was not to prosecute a sitting President, which puts a different complexion on Mueller’s task. Mueller says in terms that had there been evidence exonerating the President the report would have adduced it. But there was no such evidence. That is not total and complete exoneration – it is the opposite.

So here’s the thing. The Attorney-General, a man whose sworn duty is to protect the Constitution of the United States, lied about the report’s conclusions a fortnight ago and lied again yesterday morning, conveniently holding a press conference before the report was actually published. He sees it as his duty to shore up the pile of putrid corruption that is the sitting President, rather than to enforce justice.  The Republican Party is intent upon shoring up the pile of putrid corruption that is the sitting President, rather than to enforce justice. Fox News sees it as its duty to shore up the pile of putrid corruption that is the sitting President, period. And so it is that a liar, a cheat, a fraud, a man devoid of morality, decency, or shame, continues in office and may well win a second term. In just over two short years, Trump and his enablers have succeeded in perverting and undermining truth so that it has ceased to have any relevance to a large number of his fellow citizens and to the party which he heads. Winning is all that matters. Stopping abortion, cutting taxes, attacking immigrants, preserving gun laws, keeping  control of the Senate – who cares how it is achieved? It is enough to make you turn your face to the wall and weep.

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We begin our review of the week’s fashion flotsam with ghastly First Daughter Ivanka Trump, wearing Alex Perry on a state visit to Abidjan. Senators Chris Coons (D) and Arselicker-Supreme Lindsey Graham (R) are on either side of her ridiculous cape.

Bloody hell. Apart from the fact that it is hugely inappropriate for a State Dinner, there is the small matter of Ivanka resembling Superman in something tight and titsy in a most unpleasant shade of vaginal pink. Kudos to WTF aficionado Trevor from Truro who pointed out that Ivanka was a dead ringer for the Girl in the White House from Tim Burton’s Mars Attack.

Next, we have actress Lucy Boynton wearing Marc Jacobs.

Lucy looks very fluffy and flouncy, like a Christmas Tree Fairy in a nightgown and matching choirboy’s ruff. 

Next to a reception in the Whitney Museum in Manhattan and actress Diane Kruger, wearing Michael Kors.

Diane has legs to die for, but this outfit is just silly, tiny shorts under a jacket last worn by the Big Bad Wolf in a dramatisation of The Three Little Pigs and a shirt with a collar the size of a pair of garden shears.

We are in Paris at the première of Gloria Bell with Julianne Moore, wearing Valentino.

Julianne is wearing a mattress topper. With bare legs and bootees. It is just terribly, terribly terrible and white is SO not her colour.

And now are at Coachella, the wanky poseurs’ music festival in Indio, California, where celebrities pose wankily in wanky clothing. Like singer Billie Eilish here wearing Vuitton, looking wanky.

Indio is in the desert and IT IS HOT. So why is Billie wearing furry trousers like Grover from Sesame Street and a heavy LV jerkin?

Next up actress Amandla Stenberg wearing Levi’s.

She looks like she is having a good time, but then she doesn’t have to gaze at a column of denim off-cuts masquerading as a top. We do.

And finally from Coachella, the husband and wife combo of actor Evan Ross and singer Ashlee Simpson.  Ashlee is wearing Zimmerman.

Ashlee looks fine, which is more than be said for her spouse, who is wearing some preposterous long-jacket-and-cropped-trousers-thingy, showcasing spindly shins and huge trainers. He looks like Magwitch from Great Expectations.

To London and the premiere of the movie Once Upon a Time in London where we encounter The Voice singer Kalon Rae. Who knows what he is wearing?

Kalon has come dressed as Boy George dressed as Mother Goose. Every item of clothing is hideous, made more hideous  at being worn together.

Brace yourselves! Real horror lurks in the horrible form of TV nutritionist Gillian McKeith and her daughter, Afton McKeith.

The Crowns are an argment for regicide. Acton is only 19 so perhaps she could hide behind her mother’s skirts on this one. The problem is that her mother is not wearing a skirt, not even of any kind, and is instead flashing her thighs under a fishing net tied around her waist with a minimum of effective coverage. And what the fuck are those boots, like a couple of fat purple ferrets?

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from Tim Brannigan, via WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh, who highlighted this ridiculous new concept – the shirt-stay from a firm called Sharp & Dapper. Should you be raving mad, you can buy it for £20.

Kill me now. No one is suggesting that men should wear the body brought to you decades ago by Donna Karan to avoid shirt-spilth, but who would want to go to these lengths just to avoid it? And imagine stripping off for a moment of passion and revealing yourself to be trussed up like an Easter turkey?  No, sorry. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Have a wonderful Easter and/orPassover and/or break. WTF is going to do the same in sunny Cornwall because there are short pickings over the holiday period, but she will be back on 26 April. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again in a fortnight. Be good. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted in Bill Barr, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, James Comey, Jeff Sessions, Robert Mueller, Russian interference, Sean Spicer, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

WTF Leg Special

Hallo Readers,

Imagine your mates, a fund manager, an architect and a journalist, advise you that your right leg has to be removed. Yes, it would be radical, but they are very enthusiastic in recommending amputation. The advantages would be tremendous. The new leg would be so much better than the old one. You would be running marathons within months of the operation. Cut it off! Honestly – would we lie to you? We’re your mates. You’ll be fine! On the other hand, your GP and your consultant are sceptical. Yes, there are problems with your right leg, but they can be fixed without chopping the bloody thing off. But your mates have told you not to trust experts, as they are all part of a globalist conspiracy. So after some soul-searching, you agree to the operation and set the date.

The trouble is that as the date for the operation approaches, you start to doubt your chosen course of action. The awful consequences of your decision become clearer. For example, there is not a hope in hell that you will be running a 5 kilometre park run, let alone 26.2 miles. The cost of the operation is revealed as enormous, far higher than you were told. And your pals, the ones who said they would never lie to you, have been lying through their teeth. So why the hell would you go through with it? Switzerland’s Supreme Court just quashed a referendum result because it was achieved through misinformation. Why can’t we do that?

On Wednesday night, WTF was squirming with mortification and embarrassment as Mrs Maybe was sent off to eat a solitary supper whilst the EU Grandees debated whether to allow her more time to go through with the operation.  How the hell had we got ourselves into this position? How had we made such a utter ballsup of it all?  How did we allow a collection of shysters, charlatans, toffs and idiots to lead us into the emergency ward? And why are they still insistent on cutting off their leg to spite their face? The ones who know they’ve been sold a pup, but are committed to it anyway. The ones who insist they have got what they voted for, even though they did not foresee this or knew that were being lied to and voted anyway. The ones who say gamely that yes, they will never walk properly again, and it will agonising and painful, and this is not what they signed up for, but it is better than keeping the leg, because no leg is better than a bad leg. Our only hope is that this will continue to drag on until, in true British fashion, we get fed up with the whole thing and ditch it out of sheer boredom. Thank Heaven for Julian Assange giving us something else to talk about in the weeks to come…..

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We turn to our review of the week’s Red Carpet rubbish, starting with actress Scarlett Johansson at the photo call for her new movie The Avengers: Endgame, wearing Tom Ford.

Avengers: Endgame Fan Event Arrivals

Love, wear a jacket or don’t wear a jacket, but if you do wear a jacket, wear one with two sleeves  and a proper front, rather than just a tit topper. As Lady Bracknell remarked, this shilly-shallying is absurd. And unsightly with it.

Here is singer Cardi B, wearing Ralph & Russo.

Jennifer Lopez goes to Ascot in mint green. Except that they would not let her into the Royal Enclosure dressed like that. And her shoes are two sizes too big.

Meet the newly-weds, model-turned-candlemaker (yes, honestly) Char Defrancesco and designer Marc Jacobs, both wearing suits by Huntsman. Marc’s tie and footwear are by Gucci.

Many congratulations to the happy couple, but oh, the irony. One of the world’s leading designers gets married in a pair of comedy trousers, like a bottle green Charlie Chaplin. At least they cover up the butter-pat bootees.

This is actress Shay Mitchell at a makeup launch event, wearing Nedo.

Like a fluffy pink bird in a bustier, a medieval silk diamanté doublet and no hose. Horrid.

To CinemaCon in Las Vegas, where we encounter actress MacKenzie Davis, wearing Paco Rabanne.

This is the lovechild of a lumberjack and a Rosie for Autograph Marks and Spencer nightie. With white Ali Baba slippers. It is very strange, and the sleepwear appears to have gone down with smallpox.

Also present was actor Henry Golding, wearing Valentino.

It does not matter how handsome you are. No one, not even Henry, can get away looking like a blood-soaked warehouseman.

Still in Las Vegas, we call in at the Academy of Country Music Awards, always a cornucopia of clothing horror, beginning with singer Carrie Underwood wearing Nicholas Jebran. She had a baby only three months ago.

As noted above, WTF dislikes one sleeve on a two-armed woman, but she could have lived with the dress had it not been for the sparkling crotch carpet runner.

Next up, singer Jake Owen ,wearing a Nudie suit and Boot Star gold boots.

The suit is like a verdant meadow at midnight, but hell, it is a country music thang, so Jake might have got away with it had it not been for those pointy gold things on his feet. A man in gold shoes? Never, unless he is C-3PO.

Here is singer Cassadee Pope, wearing Vitor Zerbinato.

Good abs, bad dress. And the side view is even worse.

This is a bed sheet worn as a shroud, and Cassadee is threatening an imminent Minge Moment, not to mention an imminent rectal revelation.

And last from the Awards, Maren Morris, wearing Christian Siriano.

Maren’s heels are so high that she is tilted forward in order to stay upright; the same thing happened last year at the CMT Awards. She is also wearing a pleated table napkin with matching tablecloth-train, like the drapery for Char’s and Marc’s wedding breakfast.

Finally, to the CanneSeries Festival in, er, Cannes, and the photoshoot for the new series of the Rook  starring Olivia Munn, wearing Schiaparelli.

Elsa Schiaparelli was the designer whose signature colour was shocking pink, the colour of the backdrop against which Olivia is posing. Elsa also had a perfume called Shocking by Schiaparelli. This apparel is just plain shocking, reminiscent of polluted water, while those hanging things suggest that the lovely Olivia is suffering from incontinence.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado and stalwart de luxe Andrew Purcell from Texas who has discovered these absolutely foul “Goth Crocs”, yours for only £190.

Crocs are ugly. These ones are ugly and downright dangerous. Imagine one of those in close proximity to your footsies when travelling to work in rush hour. Ouch. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Academy of Country Music Awards, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Julian Assange, MuchMusic Awards, Politics, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Francois Special

Hallo Readers, 

Here is your Brexit update. It is still a clusterfuck. Everything is as bad as ever, only worse. Everybody hates everybody else and no one trusts anybody. Everyone is stabbing each other in the back. We may or may not be leaving the EU shortly. We are still an international joke.

At times like this, one looks for comforts wherever they may be found. And where better than the rotund, puce-faced, Mark Francois MP, Deputy Chair of the Tory European Research Group. Francois claims to be a military man. He talks about the Army not teaching him to lose, as if he had engaged in man-to-man combat with ISIS fighters and rough types various from Afghanistan. In fact, Francois was once in the Territorial Army, in some unspecified role, probably running the laundry or peeling the spuds. Even Dad’s Army would have rejected him. Whilst others around him succumb to the Maybe Deal for fear of losing Brexit altogether, Francois stoutly continues to hold out for a No Deal. Sadly, on Wednesday, he and his colleagues were outfoxed by the Cooper Bill, which would compel the Government to go back and demand more time from the EU. This passed by one vote, at which point Francois gave a splendid impression of a pan of exploding offal. He ranted. He raved. The veins in his forehead bulged like giant tadpoles. It was like Krakatoa, Essex-style. Fearful colleagues crouched low in their seats to avoid the likelihood of being showered with fragments of Francois. ‘And it went through in the end, Mr Speaker, by one vote…Someone shouts from a sedentary position 52-48. There’s a difference between a majority of 1.4million and one.’ Er, yes, matey, that is because the electorate of Great Britain is bigger than the membership of the House of Commons. It is called representative democracy. But Francois was on a roly-poly. ‘So all I would say to the Right Honourable Gentleman opposite and his parliamentary colleagues is the public won’t be impressed by this. Forgive them Father for they know not what they do….’

Granted that Francois was annoyed by this unexpected turn of events, but invoking the final words of Jesus during the Crucifixion, particularly this close to Easter, was seen by some as presumptuous. We have barely had time to get our heads around the concept of Francois as the lovechild of the Duke of Wellington and Ross Kemp, aka Grant Mitchell off East Enders. Now he has morphed into the Messiah. Only last week, Francois was vowing never to support May’s deal, even were they to put a shotgun in his mouth. Now he is calling for a cross and some nails. This obsession with martyrdom in the Brexit cause is positively disturbing, but if that is what he wants, who are we to stop him? Mind you, he is what the Australians call ‘a big unit’. If they are going to nail him up, they had better order in some super-strength timber. And some extra-large nails.  

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We start our review of the week’s crappy couture with Cabinet Minister Liz Truss, probably the dimmest woman in Government, off to a meeting at No 10 Downing Street. WTF has no idea what Liz is wearing. None at all.

This is a sort of check jumpsuit thingy. It is far too tight around the chest, giving her a mono-boob, exacerbated by the ridiculous belt, and it is crinkling everywhere like a sharpei’s bum. Clock the jaunty red shoes, carefully selected to match her Ministerial red folder in a failed attempt to make her look interesting.

To the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and singer Harry Styles, wearing Gucci (of course). He is holding the hand of Fleetwood Mac legend Stevie Nicks, 70, who looks awesome.

This is what happens when you put a Little Lord Fauntleroy doll into a boy band. This is your fault, Simon Cowell. Yours.

Also in attendance were actor (Silvio Dante in The Sopranos) and musician (E Street BandSteven van Zandt,  seen here with his actress wife Maureen van Zandt, (who played Silvio’s wife Gabriella). In real life, they have been married for 27 years. 

Steven is bedecked in purple like a Roman Emperor, even his scuffed suede shoes. Ever since he went through a car windscreen many years ago, leaving his scalp badly scarred, Steven has favoured some form of head cover, and it must be said that the bandanna is the outfit’s only redeeming feature. Which is the saddest statement ever.

Here are two rank examples of Sheer Tedium from the GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) Media Awards. First off, actress Olivia Munn wearing Yanina Couture.

As WTF aficionado Navid gasped, ‘She’s so naked’! You have to be desperate for attention to venture out and about with a couple of peacocks nesting on your nipples. And what happens if she had to raise her arm to hail a taxi or fend off someone with Harvey Weinstein-style intentions?

And second, young actress Alexandra Shipp, from X-Ray Apocalypse, wearing Reem Accra.

This dress is ranker than a skunk during a deodorant manufacturers’ work-to-rule. WTF particularly deplores the crotch-to-knee mourners’ curtain, and the vomitous floral pattern, as if a fox has thrown up in a flowerbed.

WTF has a very soft spot for actor Kiefer Sutherland, he of 24 and Designated Survivor, but even she finds this ensemble difficult to forgive. Indeed, the Pope would struggle.

You only ever hold your jacket like that when it is too small, although the colour is good on him. But then we come to the blue aviators, the lounge-lizard scarf, the terrible jeans crumpling over his knees and those shoes!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SHOES? Did he steal them off a dosser dosing in a doorway? Those shoes are not so much distressed as devastated. As are we for having to look at them.

We next call in at the NAACP Image Awards to find more birdies, this time on actress Tracie Ellis Ross, wearing Marc Jacobs.

It is entirely, gloriously, bonkers. You need to have massacred one hell of a lot of birds to have put this dress together.

And we now encounter two more shocking examples of Sheer Tedium. First actress Kate Beckinsale, wearing Minge Maestro Julien Macdonald.

WTF just knew this was one of Julien’s because (i) it has more holes than a colander (ii) it is see-through (see (i) above) and (iii) it has the mandatory minge shield. 

Oh and (iv) you can see Kate’s arse. Arse cheeks are as staple a feature of Julien’s work as lining is in nearly everyone else’s. 

And finally, actress Cynthia Erivo wearing Mario Dice.

There may not be a law against candy-coloured lace, but there should be. One look at Cynthia and the jury would not even bother to trek back into their room for tea and biscuits before delivering a guilty verdict. Only her ugly panties spared us from a full-on Minge Moment in a sea of sugary pink ruffles, like a flamenco flamingo after wandering over a landmine.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes (quite separately) from WTF aficionados Mary, Ruth-Anne, Honsca, Humfrina and Alessandra, all of whom have spotted this appalling horror of horrors. Meet the Janty (jean panty – geddit?), which costs a mind-boggling £235.

Ready? You won’t be…..

This is good news for waxing technicians and bad news for everyone else. Denim sans panties sounds very uncomfortable and wearers should have a tube of Canesten nearby at all times. Twitter came up with some excellent observations on the topic. Brandy Jensen tweeted that she was looking forward to her first jeast infection, while Mean-Moe Green referred to the risk of jamel toe. This whole design is overpriced and is horribly Mingey and It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Liz Truss, Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, Politics, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Sidney Carton Special

Hallo Readers

You remember Sidney Carton. He is the hero of A Tale of Two Cities, set at the time of the French revolution. He is  deeply in love with Lucie, but she is in love with, and was loved by, French émigré Charles Darnley, who is really a French aristocrat and heir to the evil Marquis St. Évromonde. When the Marquis is murdered, Darnley goes over to France in 1792, is captured and is condemned to the guillotine. Carton, who just happens to be a Darnley lookalikey, takes his place so that his friend and Lucie can be together. As the book ends, Sidney is about to get the chop, but is consoled by the good he is doing. ‘It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known’.

Theresa May is an unlikely Sidney Carton, but on Wednesday night she offered to put her head on the block if her party promised to vote for her Brexit plan, the one that has already been voted down twice by a weird combination of the dastardly Old Etonians, led by le Duc de Boris and le Marquis de Mogg, the rude mechanicals led by Marc Francois and Andrew Bridgen, a truly terrifying rabble from Northern Ireland, and the sans-culottes that are Corbyn’s Labour Party. As a rallying cry, ‘Vote for my crap deal and I promise to go back to Maidenhead’  may not have the ring of ‘Liberté, égalité, fraternité, ou la mort!’, but the clock is ticking and the copywriters are out of time. We were supposed to be out of Europe at 11 pm today. But we are still arguing how – and if – to do it.

The Northern Irish lot remain staunchly opposed, as do most of the European Research Group, of which Le Marquis is Chair. This includes Fatboy Francois, who declared that he would not support the deal were someone to put a shotgun in his mouth. WTF would settle for a ball-gag and some extra-adhesive masking tape. The same goes for Bridgen, a man whose expertise on European politics led him to assert that as a Brit, he was automatically entitled to an Irish passport. (Er…no). However, le Duc and le Marquis have suddenly embraced the very plan they have already voted against and which they attacked for reducing us all to slave-nation status. This change of mind may have less to do with the merits of the deal and more to do with the prospect of the removal van in front of No 10 Downing Street, as May, her chunky Wilma Flintstone jewellery, and her long-suffering husband, climb aboard and ride off into obscurity, leaving the job of Prime Minister up for grabs.

So this is where we are. Our heroine is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, but even that inducement may not work. Which leaves us up the creek without a canoe. Forget Brexit Means Brexit and the promised Land of Milk and Honey. We are facing Crap Deal or No Deal, and Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, a man who would sell his granny for sixpence and even deny her the right to take her dentures. Far from re-asserting our place in the World, we have become an international laughing stock. England used to tell Irish jokes. France used to tell Belgian jokes. Now the World is telling British jokes. Remember Project Fear? This is Project Fucking Terrifying.

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We start the weekly review of fashion faecal matter, beginning with singer Rita Ora wearing Denim on Denim by Diesel.

This is what happens when you cross a sheep and a pair of jeans. If it is cold enough for a fleecy coat and boot-spats, it is too cold for a denim romper, the shirt tails emerging from a micro-skirt like denim minge-flaps. And sunglasses in the dark – only if you have a sty.

This is actress Ginnifer Goodwin at Paleyfest, wearing Zuhair Murad.

This ill-fitting mess looks like cosy thermal long-johns, only it is designed by Zuhair Murad, not Damart. Indeed, it is likely that Damart’s wares would have provided more support for Ginnifer’s boobage, and would not have sagged around the patellae like grandpa’s neglected sleepwear.

To the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, where we encounter Hiphoppers Migos, wearing Alyx Studio. All of them.

What kiddies’ choice was this? Weird things are happening around the knees, perhaps to prevent the droopage we have seen on Ginnifer. And why are they wearing clown shoes? 

Here is singer and actress Jennifer Hudson wearing Hanifa.

My Little Pony has turned her hooves to designing trousers. Sadly, they do not fit.

Finally from the Awards, here is actor Shameik Moore, wearing who can even say what this is?

The designer of this horror has kept himself or herself anonymous. Good Call. It looks like khaki vomit with a double helping of carrot.

Welcome back to WTF’s favourite diva, Mariah Carey wearing Balmain.

Mariah is 5’6″ but this Balmain creation barely passes muster as a top, as the rear view, almost literally, demonstrates.

Mariah favours towering stilettos like these bejewelled Louboutins, which means that she can only get from A to B by clutching onto the hand of a beau or paid minion. Sadly, she has chosen pantyhose in the wrong hue and so shiny that her legs look like a couple of uncooked sausages.

Actor and entertainer Billy Porter has appalled us quite a few times this year, and here he is well up to his low standards, wearing a kaftan by self-styled ‘kaftan queen’ Travis Ostreich, a jacket by Palomo and trousers by Vassili.

The colour combo is striking, but everything is so glaring that you would want to find Rita Ora and offer your life savings for her sunglasses. And that jacket clearly started off life in the kiddies’ department at Bloomingdales.

Finally, to Rio and Brazilian TV presenter Sabrina Sato wearing Tomo Koizumi.

Well this is colourful. Plus wearing a couple of feather dusters means that she sweep up as she walks…..

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington, who has taken against Theresa May’s coat. She is sick of seeing the Prime Minister, for now anyway, wandering around the place dressed like a pastel Paddington Bear.

This horrible shapeless garment is actually a padded jacket with a detachable elbow-lenth coat over it. It is by Italian designer Herno and it could be yours for a mere £750.

Like May herself, It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, Politics, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

WTF Baked Beans Special

Hallo Readers,

When WTF was at about ten, she used to ensure that she sat next to a boy called Andrew B whenever baked beans were on the school lunch menu. This is because WTF hated baked beans with a vengeance, (and she still does – they’re so slithery). Andrew B, on the other hand, loved baked beans, and, to be fair, every other form of comestible, and so he wolfed down the aforesaid beans and everyone was happy. Until one day, Andrew B was unwell, probably from a surfeit of foodstuffs, and so he was off school on baked beans day, which left WTF without a convenient receptacle to put them in. As a result, they remained uneaten on her plate. WTF was told to eat them up. She refused (always the bolshy little bastard, even aged ten) and she was kept at the lunch table until 2 30 and refused permission to go and play with her friends. But the beans remained uneaten and, for once anyway, she went hungry.

Mrs Maybe’s Brexit plan reminds WTF of those school baked beans. She promised to deliver us fish and chips, mushy peas optional. Instead, she is serving up spam fritters and baked beans. Not only that, but she is telling us that spam fritters and baked beans are much better for us that fish and chips, that we will really, really, love spam fritters and baked beans, that fish and chips are off the menu, and that it is spam fritters and baked beans or nothing at all. At first, people held out for fish and chips. But as time ticked by, and hunger started to gnaw at their entrails, spam fritters and baked beans become more appealing, even to those who cannot abide the thought of them. The clock hands are edging ever closer to 2 30 and the prospect of no lunch gets worse and worse. And so, a few people are starting gingerly to fork tiny bits of spam fritter and baked beans into their mouths, wincing with distaste to be sure, but swallowing them nonetheless, because they feel that they have no choice. The plan is now that enough people will be hungry enough and desperate enough by the next vote to go down the spam fritters and baked beans route rather than the air diet route. As a strategy, it sucks. But it is all she’s got. She is wholly dependent on running down the clock.

Mrs Maybe chose to supplement this you’ll-eat-it-and-like-it approach with a side order of it-isn’t-my-fault-it’s-Parliament’s-fault. On Wednesday, she appeared for about eight nanoseconds on live TV and told the British people that she was trying her best to deliver spam fritters and baked beans but those bloody MPs in Westminster were busy barricading the door to the larder. WTF had always understood that the whole point of this sorry Brexit exercise was to give power back to Parliament, instead of sneaky little unelected Europhiles calling the shots. Now it appears that Parliament’s exercise of powers is a Bad Thing. So what the hell have these last three years been about? Thanks, David Cameron. Thanks for nothing.

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We start the review of the week’s wanky wear with singer and Oscar nominee,  Lady Gaga, wearing Rodarte.

Blonde bombshell meets biker girl meets French maid. Ooh la la…

Now we have actress Alex Borstein from The Magnificent Mrs Maisel, wearing something very terrible.

From the neck up, it’s fine. From the neck down, there is horror in abundance. The shirt is straight out of a Victorian bordello, the trousers do not flatter and have clearly been designed for someone about a foot taller, while the chain belt takes WTF back to the days when she was a teenager and was banned from the dining room at home because her dad was enraged with the scratches inflicted on the backs of the Mahogany chairs by WTF wearing one around  her chubby waist.

The rest of our sartorial silliness comes from the i-Heart Radio awards, starting with singer John Legend, wearing Paul Smith.

Those trousers are decidedly snug. They must rub harder than an enthusiastic  brass-rubber on a sponsored brass-rubbing weekend. And WTF has long railed about too-short jackets à la Norman Wisdom. Even Norman did not wear white shoes, and quite rightly so, because no grown man should wear white shoes unless he is either playing sport or is a medical professional.

Next up is singer and actress Madison Beer, wearing Ester Abner.

MINGE ALERT! This is a Minge Moment waiting to happen and the bajingo blind is patently not up the job. It has been very windy of late. One gust and it will be Open Sesame. There is also a preponderance of over-upholstered tit.

Meet actor Raahsud Dunn, wearing Giovanni Testi.

WTF likes a laugh as well as the next person but the jacket does not fit and its swirliness is giving her the spins. But the main concern here is the trousers. Why is one leg higher than the other? Is he a freemason? Love the sparkling slippers though……

And now, superstar singer Taylor Swift, wearing Rosa Bloom.

Taylor looks like a member of the chorus line in a revival of 42nd Street.

Here is singer Poppy, wearing Viktor and Rolf.

If Ozzie Osbourne ever fancied wearing a frilly nightie, this is the one he would go for. As for the trainers, WTF prefers not to speak of them. Meanwhile, Poppy’s head, complete with a turd top-knot, looks to be superimposed on her body, as if displayed on a spike after an execution, like  in Game of Thrones.

Finally, singer Tiffany Young wearing Jean Paul Gauthier.


If Tinkerbell went to a fancy dress party dressed as one of The Three Musketeers, this is what she would look like. Those things on her legs are amongst the worst legwear WTF ever did see in her life  And she has seen a few stinkers over the years…

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Abbie Doran from East London, making a splendid debut with these monstrosities from the ‘swimwear collection’ offered up for public delectation by Missguided. Ready? You won’t be.

Abby writes: If these catch on, there’ll be a thrush pandemic that could cause Canesten to go into administration to keep up with the demand for some clotrimazole relief! They look genuinely painful…

She is right. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, David Cameron, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, iHeartRadio Music Awards, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Brexit Update Special

Hallo Readers,

Here is your Brexit update as at 11 30 pm on Thursday 14 March 2019.

Parliament does not want to Brexit with Mrs Maybe’s deal. It has now said so twice. No one wants her crap deal, not even Mrs Maybe – it is about the only thing everyone agrees on. Parliament does not want to Brexit with no deal, but that vote was only advisory and without legal force. Parliament does not want to ask the EU to put everything on hold until 2021, or to delay Brexit until May 2019, or to ask for a delay whilst it works out what other sort of Brexit we can have, or waits for a miracle involving loaves, fishes and duty free wine. And Parliament does not want to hold a second referendum. Parliament does want to ask the EU for an extension to Article 50, and voted for a Government motion to this effect by 413 votes to 202. Pipsqueak Stephen Barclay, the Brexit Secretary, spoke in favour of the motion, urging ‘It is time for this House to act in the national interest, it’s time to put forward an extension that is realistic’. He was so unconvincing that he failed to convince himself, because he, and seven other Cabinet Ministers, then voted against the very motion he had just been supporting. A ninth Cabinet Minister, the Chief Whip, whose job it is to get MPs to support the Government, abstained. You would not send this lot out to buy you a packet of Polo Mints and a box of Kleenex. They would either come back with some Cheesy Wotsits and a roll of quilted toilet paper, or they would resign on the way home and bugger off with your change.

Meanwhile, Labour, which is supposed to now be in favour of a second referendum in circumstances that nobody actually understands, including them, ordered its MPs to abstain on the motion for a second referendum because ‘the time isn’t right’. They are probably waiting for a sign from Heaven, a star above Westminster, or perhaps a clap of thunder and some  lightning bolts. Several shadow ministers, whom WTF would not recognise were they sat in her kitchen eating carrot cake, resigned after voting against the motion, on the basis that the last manifesto had promised that Labour would respect the Will of the People. Several others voted for the motion.

So to sum up – we have no approved deal, we have no idea what deal we want, and even if we wanted it, the EU would not give it to us. We might want a second vote, but only in circumstances where there is no ‘r’ in the month and the moon in alignment with Jupiter. The right wing lunatics want no deal at all, even though everyone else agrees that this is a really shocking prospect. And there is no guarantee that we can have an extension to Article 50, particularly as we don’t know what we would do with an extension if we got one, and nobody has a fucking clue what is going on. Mrs Maybe’s big idea is to ask for a third vote on her crap deal. Einstein observed that the definition of insanity was to keep doing the same thing and expect the outcome to be different. On that basis, it is time to call for the Prime Ministerial straitjacket. She has not only lost her voice, she has lost her reason.

However, Readers, be of good cheer. Piers Morgan, the man who is so far up Trump’s arse that even his shoelaces have disappeared from view, has the solution! He tweeted it on Thursday night. ‘I’ve given this a lot of thought & come to the conclusion that only one person can now sort out this ridiculous Brexit mess: @realdonaldtrump. He’d take no sh*t from the EU, or Parliament, or anyone. And he definitely wouldn’t lose his voice. Mr President, my country needs YOU’. Mrs Maybe, it seems, is not the only one who needs a call from the men in white coats.

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Let us escape from the asylum for a brief moment and contemplate the fashion follies of the week, starting with the aforesaid Theresa May off to Church on Commonwealth Day, wearing a Daniel Blake coat and Liz Felix hat.

WTF aficionado Tom from London discovered this assault on our eyeballs. How bad does she look? What is that hat? Why does the coat have leg-of-mutton sleeves? Daniel Blake and Liz Felix are clearly both diehard Remainers. What about those gloves, and the matchy-matchy clutch, and the chunky jewellery? As WTF aficionado Jen sagely observed, our Prime Minister would do better spending less time accessorising, and more time sorting out Brexit. Meanwhile Tom also sent in the portrait of Lady Margaret Hawkins from the late 16th century to show where May got her inspiration. Are the two ladies related? They certainly have the same grim expression. Bravo Tom!

Next we have socialite and DJ, Paris Hilton, wearing Christian Cowan.

Paris is not sporting rabbit ears – that is part of the backdrop –  but the rest of the ensemble is so comical that it would not be surprising if she were. There is a cornucopia of crapulence to behold, including the Afghan hound bunches, the hideous, too-long, onesie, and the criminally horrible handbag. When your pooch is better dressed than you are, it is time for a radical rethink.

Also also wearing Christian Cowan, model and now TV presenter Heidi Klum

Heidi is dressed as Gonger from Sesame Street. Extra minus points for those painful-looking sandals.

To London and the Global Awards 2019, where we come across singer Mabel McVey, wearing Natasha Zinko.

Here is a WTF Rule. When you have to stand with your hand over your crotch to avoid a Fanny Flash, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it. Quite apart from that, the dress is ugly and it doesn’t fit.

Here is Orange is the New Black actress Natasha Lyonne, wearing Marc Jacobs.

Some of us lived through the Eighties, and have no desire to go back there, sartorially speaking. The shoulders are ridiculous and the whole thing is very Princess Di.

This is Khloe Kardashian wearing LaQuan Smith. Well, I say ‘wearing’….

Mingetastic. Indeed it is all there to be looked at, with more gynaecological detail on view than a week’s CCTV footage from a knocking shop. 

And finally, we meet French actress Angelique Boyer, wearing a reversible dress by George Figueroa. She started off the night wearing this side of it.

Then she turned it around. To this.

Thanks to aficionado Jonathan from Bloomsbury, who kindly brought this outfit to WTF’s attention. The front was moderately respectable. The back was not even a back. She looks like a sparkler with belly button and tits.

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This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Rona from Hackney, who complains about the horror of the unisex toilet. Such is the excellence of her rant, that WTF repeats it in full.

‘So I’m dining out in a delightful restaurant and the moment has come to visit the powder room. Cue what should be a restful and fragrant interlude of indulgent femininity – the chance to literally powder one’s nose, reapply lipstick, perfume, adjust clothing, have a cry or a giggle or a gossip. But now it’s unisex and what woman wants to do all that in the company of some bloke she’s never met, or worse, has met? Not to mention the horrors of some, I repeat some, gentlemen’s toilet habits, which, shall we say, are less than fastidious. So what we have is a stripped back-to-the-essentials experience that needs to be got through asap. This is the very opposite of civilised and, sadly, it is yet another example of the slow erosion of those little rituals which can make everything seem so much more pleasurable.’

Indeed. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, David Cameron, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Princess Diana, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Death of Shame, Volume 99

Hallo Readers,

Those of you who are kind enough to read this blog regularly will know that WTF is obsessed with the death of shame in public life. This week brought two more stark examples to recoil from.

First, Fiona Onasanya MP recently was absent from her duties on behalf of the people of Peterborough. Not to have a baby. Not because she was ill. No. Onasanya was in prison, having been convicted of persuading her brother falsely to claim that he had been speeding in her car, thereby perverting the course of justice. Onasanya, who was a solicitor, now has the dubious distinction of being the first serving woman MP to go inside. She was released last week on parole, and is obliged to wear a tag on her ankle, which must play havoc with the House of Commons’ security scanners.

Because she was only sentenced to three months, (she served half of it), Onasanya does not have to give up her seat,  a condition applicable only to those sentenced to twelve months or more. As a result, a convicted criminal is free to vote on legislation and to pontificate on whatever point she chooses in the Chamber. Admittedly most politicians are liars, but they have not been banged up, they do not go bleep every time they walk in and out of Parliament, and they have not inhabited the equivalent of Cell Block H. Does Onasanya intend to resign? Of course not. After her conviction, she compared her tribulations to those of Jesus. WTF is not very conversant with the New Testament, but she is fairly certain that if He had been caught speeding on his donkey along Nazareth High Street, he would have ‘fessed up and not got Peter or John to take the blame for it.

And then there is the one-man wrecking ball that is Chris Grayling MP, Secretary of State for Transport. When we last left him, he had awarded a £14m emergency post-Brexit ferry contract to a new company with no ferries, something which he did not see as a problem, not at all, not even when the company’s standard terms and conditions turned out to have been copied from a food delivery business. On the contrary, Grayling insisted that there had been proper due diligence. A month after the furore, the contract was scuttled when it became apparent that the company had no ferries AND no financial backing. However, these were only the foothills of the fuck-ups of which Grayling is capable, and he was just warming up. This week, it emerged that the Government, (that means us, UK Readers, our money, our taxes, handed over to imbeciles to squander), had to hand £33m to Eurotunnel in an out-of-court settlement in compensation for its future loss of business, were the emergency ferries Grayling had commissioned, not that one of the companies involved actually had a bloody ferry, ever to set sail across the Channel to dodge the 100 mile queues consequent upon a no-deal, no Customs-Union Brexit. Grayling did not even go to the Commons to justify this latest calamity, and sent the Secretary of State for Health instead, who was then roasted like a saddle of lamb. Is Grayling about to resign? Not a bit of it. Apparently, the City of Calais has made it clear that he is not wanted there. He isn’t wanted here either. Sadly, we are stuck with him.

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We begin our sartorial survey with a trip to Paris Fashion Week, and actress Amber Heard, wearing Giambattista Valli.

Whilst better than some of Heard’s recent attire, this is still terrible. It is like recovering from a stomach infection and then succumbing to thrush. The dress looks like a very elderly flamingo on its way to the knacker’s yard.

Also wearing Giambattista Valli, actress and singer, Janelle Monáe.

She has got a fez on her head, like the late, lamented, comedian Tommy Cooper, and she appears to be wrapped in a collapsed parachute, displaying some fetching décolletage.

This is former model Elena Perminova, now married to squillionaire oligarch Alexander Lebedev. Elena is wearing Balmain.

Elena is very beautiful and has a pair of legs to die for, but this dress is a dud. It is basically no more than a vest and a quilted fanny flap. And what happens if she were to wear it to the theatre? There will be an encroachment into the seat on her right. People get upset at having their space invaded in this way. Just saying…

Here is actress Shailene Woodley, also wearing Balmain.

The 1980’s are back. We have former Home Secretary Amber Rudd calling a black MP, ‘coloured’ (see below), and now Balmain is marketing these hideous acid-washed jeans that sag around Shailene’s hips like a denim sack.

Away from Paris, we have American TV squeaky person Kristin Chenoweth, wearing who can even say what?

We had Megan Pormer with faux-pubes last week, and now we have more faux-pubes on Kristin. These are worse because they appear to be more, er, hairy. Kristin has also shown a certain cowardice in wearing little flesh-coloured shorties and bra, which match each other but not her skintone, which puts the tan into tangerine.

We now encounter young actress Baillee Madison, wearing Emporio Armani.

What the hell is this? She appears to be sitting in a sea of snot. This is just terribly terribly, terrible. In fact, it left terrible some distance back and is now travelling through ‘what the actual fuck’?

Meet Canadian actor Avan Jogia, wearing Sies Maran.

If a teddybear went to a fancy dress party as Freddie Mercury, this is what it would look like.

And finally, a truly horrible sight. Two of the cream of British womanhood, although in their case they are closer to skimmed milk, glamour models and celebritees, Rhianne Saxby and Sarah Longbottom. Rhianne is in black. Sarah is in white with her right nipple on show.

WARNING – NIPPLE ALERT!!!!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

Fake hair, fake tits, fake tan and lips like rubber tyres. See through. Nip slips. Horrible.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Linda from South London, who took great exception to former Home Secretary, now Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Amber Rudd, using the word ‘coloured’ to describe Diane Abbott MP, a black member of the Labour Shadow Cabinet. The irony is that Rudd was actually trying to defend Abbott against the bucketful of abuse she receives from psychopathic racist wankers various, as well as sticking up for other female MPs.

Unsurprisingly, Abbott took a poor view of Rudd’s  use of the word ‘coloured’, describing it as ‘telling’. Rudd probably did not meant use that word but, honestly. The word has not been in accepted use for decades, and a Cabinet Minister has no business speaking it aloud on public radio. Or at all. Every time Rudd opens her mouth, she puts her foot in it.  She’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Chris Grayling, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Fiona Onasanya, Paris Fashion Week, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments