WTF HRH Special

Hallo Readers,

You have to hand it to the Royal Family. When they want you out, you are out. And by out, WTF means out as in you-are-never-coming-back-not-even-at-all out. They are more ruthless than Cersei Lannister. Cross this lot and you are on a one-way ticket to Nowheresville. Or in the case of Prince Harry, his wife Meghan, and baby Archie Windsor, to Vancouver Island. Which is probably the same thing, The young couple envisaged keeping their titles, carrying out some duties, continuing (in Harry’s case) as Colonel-in-Chief of various military brigades, and having some some sort of new role in the Family Firm. Fat chance. It is a good job that Harry was not charged with negotiating Brexit. We would have ended up paying billions and having a border down the Irish Sea. Oh, hang on…..

Harry and Meghan did not just get nothing, they would have to had to have done 1000% better just to have got nothing. No HRH title. No Royal duties, not even opening a new public toilet on a wet Wednesday in Widnes. No Honorary Colonels of anything, including a boys’ brigade in Bangor. No new role. Not even of any kind. And they have to pay back the £2.4m stumped up by Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers for the refurbishment of their ‘cottage’ on the Windsor Estate. In his farewell speech on these shores, Harry made it clear that this was not what he wanted. You bet it wasn’t. As the Duke of Kent remarked to King Lear

“Fare thee well, king: sith thus thou wilt appear,
Freedom lives hence, and banishment is here.”

The Royals have not actually stripped Harry and Meghan of their HRH status, but it is clear that they are not permitted to use it. Apparently, only working Royals can use it. Really? Prince Andrew, the nonce’s friend, has been banished from public duties, only allowed out to Church with his mum on Sundays, the Royal equivalent of half an hour in the prison exercise yard. He is still an HRH. His daughters, Beatrice and Eugenie, are both HRH and they do bugger all except to wear terrible clothes and to hobnob with celebs at parties. But Harry is banished abroad and denied an army epaulette. So spiteful. So petty. No wonder he wanted out. For shame.

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This week’s survey of fashion flotsam comes from the Screen Actors Guild Awards in Hollywood. We start with young actor Caleb McLaughlin, wearing Berluti.

These can best be described as comedy trousers. Not only do they end way above his ankles, but they also seem to have been patched with that tape you buy from the hardware store when some clothing is split and you want to mend it. As for Caleb’s feet, they appear to be so big, they could probably be seen from Outer Space.

Actress Kristen Gutoskie, wearing Jenny Packham.

She is wearing tit bows. Why would anyone wear tit bows? And this dress would be lovely without the tit bows. Jenny Packham – why?

Actress Nathalie Emmanuel ,wearing Miu Miu.

More tit bows! It was officially tit bows week in Hollywood. Nathalie’s tit bow effort is even worse than Kristen’s tit bow effort because (i) her tit bows are bigger and (ii) they are attached to the sort of flock curtains you last saw in your Auntie Ethel’s room when you visited her in the home for the terminally bewildered.

Actor Andrew Scott ,wearing Azzaro.

Andrew took a horrible-coloured suit and added an even more horrible-coloured satin shirt, and then compounded those offences with a black bow tie, black shoes and a black cummerbund, as sported by 1950’s nightclub singers. And to compound the offence to the power of n, he is listing to one side like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Actress Francia Raisa wearing who knows what. Or why.


This is a diamond-shaped tit window. But in this case, diamonds are not a girl’s best friend. Especially as this aperture reveals a tan-line. Here is a WTF Rule. If you are going to expose your bits, make sure that they are the same colour all over, or get busy the night before with the St Tropez.

Actress Patricia Arquette, wearing Rosetta Getty.

The Golden Globes gave us Olivia Colman dressed as a Victorian postbox. Now we have Patricia dressed as a Chelsea Pensioner who lost his feet in the trenches at Passchendale.

If there is a more unflattering outfit than Patricia’s in the history of ever, WTF is glad she missed it. AND IT HAS A TRAIN!!!!!!!

Actress Sarah Hyland, wearing Philosophy di Lorenzo Serafini. Did you know that Francia Raisa gave Sarah Hyland, her best friend, one of her kidneys? Now, that is friendship.

What is not friendship is your stylist making you wear this. We have had tit bows and now we have  beaver bow.

And here is a bum bow. Bows are so versatile,

And finally, this is stand-up comic and actress Retta, wearing who can even say what this is?

What the actual fuck is this supposed to be? Who would even conceive of anything so bizarre? Retta doing stand-up probably never got such a big laugh as the one emitted by WTF on seeing this excrescence. Full marks to WTF aficionado Jen, who brilliantly identified the inspiration for this get-up as Cousin It from The Addams Family.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh who has brought this horror to our attention. It is a handbag, or purse as our American cousins would have it, with a built-in gun. The inventor is Indian designer Shyam Chaurasia from  Varanasi. He told a newspaper that

“In case the woman is in trouble or anyone tries anything and she is not carrying a mobile phone, she can press a button on the lipstick gun which is linked to Bluetooth and it will immediately make a call to the 112 emergency number and share her location with the emergency service, so the police can arrive to help her. Meanwhile, before the police arrive, the lipstick will also fire a [blank round] bullet and alert the public who can come to help her.”

Sadly in India, violence against women is rife, but is this really the answer? On reading Yvonne’s tweet, WTF aficionado Ruth-Anne asked “Can they not just educate men to NOT ATTACK WOMEN?” Indeed. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It is nice to be back. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Brexit, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Meghan Markle, Politics, Prince Andrew, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Princess Beatrice, Princess Eugenie, Royal Baby, Royal Family, SAG AWards, Uncategorized, Wort dressed celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

WTF Lady Bracknell Special

Hallo Readers,

As Lady Bracknell might have remarked, ‘to have one lawyer involved in major dodginess may be regarded as a misfortune. To have two looks like carelessness’. In which case, it seems that Donald J Trump has been monumentally careless. His former personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, is in jail for all manner of jiggery-pokery, including breaching election law by paying off popsies claiming to have dallied with Trump, lying his head off to Congress, and failing to pay his taxes. His present personal lawyer, pop-eyed, madder-than-a-box-of-frogs, Rudy Giuliani started off life as a top prosecutor and was then Mayor of New York, but is now dodgier than a dodgy dodger with dodginess issues. Rudy is neck-deep in Ukrainian doo-doo, having acted on behalf of his client Trump, and various other shysters clients including Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, both currently under indictment for making iffy campaign contributions. As far as the Ukraine scandal is concerned, Parnas is mixed up in whatever Giuliani is mixed up in, acting on Trump’s behalf to get rid of people fighting corruption, including the then Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and assisting Trump’s plan to pressure the new President by withholding millions in military aid until he agreed to announce an investigation into Trump’s probable 2020 Presidential rival, former Vice President Joe Biden and Biden’s son Hunter. Parnas now says that Trump knew all about everything. Trump claims he does not even know Parnas, although Parnas has photos galore showing him cuddling up to Trump. But then Trump often claims not to know people. There will come a time when he will claim not to know Giuliani. Or Jared and Ivanka. Or even his own name.

Here’s the thing. Many people come into contact with one or more dodgy types, even if they themselves are not. But it is increasingly difficult to find any of Trump’s contacts who are not dodgy. His address book is like a Who’s Who’s in Sing-Sing. Aides and advisers are in jail, awaiting sentencing, in disgrace, or out of office. And many of the ones who are not in jail, awaiting sentencing, in disgrace, or out of office are no better. No one, not even Job, could be so unlucky as to hook up with so many deeply unsavoury characters who end up losing their ‘Get out of Jail’ cards. He surrounds himself with shysters because he is one. It is the only language he can understand.

Meanwhile, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo purports to be a devout Christian, as does Vice President Mike Pence. Nevertheless, their obligations as Christians are outweighed by their desire to have a crack at the top job in 2024. And so it is that Pompeo has not lifted a finger to help Yovanovitch,  or said one word to her or in her support, despite the fact that she was targeted for removal from the Ukraine, and possibly from everywhere, that she was called home in a hurry out of concern for her personal safety, and that she has been slandered, abused (principally by Trump) and ridiculed for having the temerity to want to serve her country and to do her job, even if it inconvenienced whatever crooked plan Giuliani, Parnas and Trump were pursuing. Mike P and Mike P, Christian is as Christian does. There is more to it than just outlawing abortion and opposing gay marriage. Try being decent human beings and see how you get on…..

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We start the review of the week’s sartorial stupidity with Presidential daughter-in-law Lara Trump, seen with her idiot husband, Eric Trump.

This is from New Year’s Eve at Mar A Largo, but hitherto there has been no opportunity to feature it. Eric is the quintessence of gormlessness, while Lara resembles a quirky seashell with a face more frozen than Princess Elsa.

It seems that actress Salma Hayek cannot keep out of this blog. Here she is, wearing Gucci.

There are a lot of checks here and none of them match. The only check Salma should have done is to have looked in the mirror before she left home. She is married to the bloke who owns Gucci, yet she always manages to pick the runt of the haute couture litter. 

The bulk of the rest of this week’s horrors come from the Critics’ Choice Awards in Hollywood last Sunday. We start with producer Janet Mock, wearing Valentino.

The colour is good. But it is a designer sack, and what the fuck are those gloves? She looks like she is about to shove her hand up a cow’s arse.


Singer Keltie Knight, wearing Giambattista Valli x H&M.

 If a pixie went to a fancy dress party dressed as a peach soufflé, this is what she would look like. And there is also very serious foot blotch.

This is The Marvelous Mrs Maisel actress, Rachel Brosnahan, wearing Carolina Herrera.

Mrs Maisel would never have worn this because it is horrid, not to mention unflattering. WTF is also concerned that whoever did Rachel’s makeup must have had a serious grudge against her because she bears a close resemblance to someone recently  exhumed.

Now we have singer Zendaya Coleman, wearing Tom Ford.

She is wearing magenta tit armour. When did tit armour suddenly become a thing? Gwyneth Paltrow was wearing something similar the other day on the cover of a glossy magazine. Frankly, it is downright unnerving, and the matching skirt does not match and looks tawdry. 

Yes, it’s him again. WTF speaks of actor Billy Porter, wearing Hogan McLaughlin.


It is getting to the stage where Billy is only going to make any real impact if he comes dressed in a DJ, like everyone else. The top of his jumpsuit looks like a chair back.

Meanwhile, the transfers suggest he is being attacked by a flock of mutant butterflies in some sci-fi blockbuster.

Finally, we leave the Critics’ Choice for an absolute shocker on Z lister-supreme Lauren Goodger wearing, and WTF uses the word loosely, I SAW IT FIRST (sic).

WARNING – THIS IS VERY BAD!!!!!

AND HERE IS ANOTHER WARNING TO GO WITH THE FIRST WARNING!!!!

Never mind I SAW IT FIRST. WTF wishes that she had never seen it at all. What we have here are a couple of overripe melons tumbling out of a string bag. Yurgle.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Honsa from West London who is appalled, and then appalled some more, by the latest nonsense from Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop. It is a scented candle, costing $58. Which allegedly smells like her vagina.

 

Gwyneth has form for minge-related moments. Who can forget her championing of vaginal steaming? Not to mention her flogging vaginal jade eggs which apparently did all sorts of soothing things for your lady areas, except that it turned out that they didn’t, and Goop was fined $145,000 under Californian law. Given her Goopy history, who can say what Gwyneth has inserted into her vagina, but this candle whiffs of ‘geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes, juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed’. Here’s the conundrum. How do we know whether Gwyneth does smell like this? It – and she – Has Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these almost-Brexit times, and please don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

 

Posted in Brexit, Critics'' Choice Awards, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Ivanka Trump, Mike Pence, Mike Pompeo, Politics, Ukraine, Uncategorized, US Election | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Megxit Special

Hallo Readers,

This week, Britain was horrified to learn that an American TV star had beguiled a boyish Old Etonian into abandoning his obligations towards an elderly Head of State.  But that is enough about Donald Trump and his attempt to lure Boris Johnson into turning on Iranian President Hassan Rouhani and ditching the non-nuclear agreement. Let us speak instead of Meghan Markle, currently-but-for-how-long HRH the Duchess of Sussex, and her adoring husband, nice-but-dim HRH Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, who have both given the finger to his grandmother the Queen, his father the Prince of Wales, his brother and sister-in-law the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and the whole Royal Household. The young couple ignored Granny’s instruction to make no public announcement at this time, and instead announced that they were retreating from their roles as senior members of The Firm. Instead, they and baby Archie would divide their time between Canada and the UK, where they intended to pursue the golden path to (bigly) independent incomes. In short, they were done with the dreariness of Royal Protocol and the stultifying repetition of family get togethers in chilly palaces and stately homes. Farewell to old people’s homes, to attending boring charity dinners, to ignoring the smell of fresh paint, and to cooing ‘Gosh, how interesting’ when shown the innards of a new widget machine in Dudley. Instead, it is hallo to savouring the pleasures of making masses of money, to appearing on US late night chat shows, and to hobnobbing with George and Amal, Oprah, and that bloke who starred with Meghan in Suits. Indeed, it appears that Meghan and Archie have already gone back to Canada after only three days back in the UK. In short, it has all gone tits up for the royals.

Harry and Meghan are not intending to relinquish their Windsor home (owned by Granny, and done up to their exacting requirements by Tim and Tilly Tosser, the taxpayers), their income (courtesy of Daddy) or their Royal titles. They want to be part-time Royals, enjoying the good bits and giving up the boring bits. Of course WTF understands that Royal Life is boring. The Royals are boring. That is the point of them. They are not supposed to be interesting but Meghan was much too interesting to be a real Royal. She had an acting career. She was divorced. She was American and liberal. She did not wear hosiery. And, of course, she was mixed race. Her father’s family are like something out of Deliverance.  Her svelte mother teaches yoga. From the beginning, she had to endure overt and covert racism, sexism and xenophobic abuse from the very people who now complain that she has induced her husband into doing a runner. On Thursday, WTF was forced to hear pompous journalist Tom Bower sneeringly observe that Meghan was never right for the Family and that she was forever playing the ‘race card’. Harry already loathed the intrusive Press because of the way they treated his mother. And people wonder why they are leaving? Teams of rocket scientists are currently working round the clock to solve this conundrum….

Frankly, why would you NOT leave that Family business? Charles has spent his whole life waiting for a job he will not start until well after most other people have retired. William may have to wait decades until he has his go. Harry will never have a go at all, and yet he is expected to hang about under full public scrutiny while his wife is abused and sneered at, and his privacy invaded. Half the family is not talking to the other. Tea with Uncle Andy, the Nonce’s mate, or cocktails with Brad Pitt? WTF knows which one she’d opt for. Cheers!

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All the fashion follies this week come from last Sunday’s the Golden Globes 2020 in Beverley Hills. Talking as we were of The Queen, we start with Olivia Colman, who won Best performance by an Actress in a TV Drama for her role as HMQ in series 3 of The Crown. Olivia is wearing Emilia Wickstead.


Now that Olivia has won an Oscar, a Golden Globe and who knows what other honours, it is time she got herself a decent stylist. This is one ugly dress and it makes her look like a Victorian postbox.

Actress Priyanka Chopra, wearing Kukhareva London, and husband, singer and actor Joe Jonas, wearing Prada. They are off to the In Style after-party.

The party may have been In Style, but they are not. Her dress for the ceremony was gorgeous, but then she changed into this thing, covered in the mould found growing on damp walls in a dosshouse.

As for Nick, as usual, his suit does not fit and he looks like a knob.

Actress Cate Blanchett, wearing Mary Karantzou.

WTF hates a jewelled titty. In Cate’s case, she looks like a jewelled Nefertiti. And the last time WTF saw a mullet like that, it was sitting on Rod Stewart’s head in the 1970s.

Actress Lucy Boynton, wearing Louis Vuitton.

If a silver candlestick in a blond wig and platform sandals went to the Golden Globes, this is what it would look like.

Actor and comedian Ramy Youseff, in a bad suit with his award for Best Performance by an actor in a TV musical or comedy. Scroll down slowly.

The suit colour is reminiscent of a guest at a 1950’s Mafioso wedding in a Martin Scorsese movie. As for the footwear, TRAINERS DO NOT GO WITH BLACK TIE. FACT.

Actress Sienna Miller, wearing Gucci.

Hats off to WTF aficionado Philippa, who described this pithily as three shades of phlegm. It so is. And the hem is puckered like the Dowager Countess’s lips in Downton Abbey.

Actress Katherine McNamara, wearing a Ulyana Sergeenko design from 2015.

WTF likes M&Ms as much as the next person, but not as tit sprinkles. And she hates that Angelina Jolie sticky-out-leg pose almost above all things.

Queer Eye presenter Karamo Brown, wearing Grayscale.

The jacket is too small and the trousers are in a Mexican standoff with his ankles. Shamies.

Actress Kerry Washington, wearing Altuzarra.

More Angelina posing. WTF likes the skirt. She likes the jacket. But the skirt is held up by diamanté tit braces in lieu of a top, under the jacket which must have been superglued to Kerry’s person.

Actress and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, wearing Fendi.

Someone called @AtlantisRising replied to a tweet from @WTF_EEK (that’s me, by the way – what do you mean, you don’t do Twitter?) about Gwynnie’s frock horror, ‘If you are hating on this dress you do not understand what it means. This is simply stunning and when I am able, I will enlighten you the proper way. ⚡️❤️🌍🕊’  WTF is still waiting to be enlightened….. To her, it is a stinker, peekaboo frills the colour of diseased animal droppings with a side order of buttock.

And there is also the matter of the necklace worn UNDER the dress. Was this done as a precaution against it being nicked by a jewel thief? If only someone had nicked the dress the night before, and saved the world’s eyeballs from this affront.

WTF originally gave the Worst Dressed of the Night to Gwyneth but that was before she saw actress Hunter Schafer at the HBO after-party, wearing Rick Owens.

When the hideous backdrop looks better than what you’re wearing, you have a problem. In this case, a yellow top that resembles an oversized gas mask and an alleged skirt like a giant sanitary pad, worn with horrible horses’ hooves. An early contender for the WTF Summer Stinker 2020 and we are still in early January.

Finally, for those who missed the tweet announcing the winner of the WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2019, it was…

DRUMROLL…..

BOBBY LYTES! His behind was in the front from the start and stayed there, and is it surprising? A worthy winner…..

 

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Mary from Birmingham, who introduced WTF to these absurd McDonalds trainers. Neither Mary nor WTF is loving’ it. Quite the reverse.

Fortunately these are a one-off  (for now) but they are ludicrous. If you run in them, could someone ketchup? Mary opines that that the world has gone mad. She’s right. It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It is nice to be back. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Duchess of Sussex, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Golden Globes, Meghan Markle, Oprah Winfrey, Politics, Prince Andrew, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Royal Family, sexism, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2019

This is in memory of Andrew Purcell, a friend of the blog and the best ever leaver of comments, who sadly died recently. A native of Houston, Texas, he did a guest opener when the city was flooded a few years back and it was as wonderful and witty as you would have expected it to be. Andrew you are – and will be – missed.

 

Hallo Readers,

WTF has decided to look back at some of the good things this year because, Heaven knows, last week’s rant was enough to make you want to cut your wrists. And then we can get on to the serious business of the year – voting in the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey Poll.

So here are WTF’s highlights of the year.

1. Donald Trump’s ridiculous two-tone-tan, sported at his club in Mar-A-Lago last week. WTF has two questions, both pertinent. One – do his family and staff really hate him that much that they stayed schtumm? (Answer – yes). And two, if, as Trump maintains, he is not really orange, and it is the fault of LED lightbulbs that he looks like that, why is half his face the colour of a overcooked Welsh rarebit while the other half is as white as a Klu Klux Klansman’s robe?

2. The incredible bravery of the Hong Kong students taking to the streets at huge personal risk to themselves, in opposition to the oppressive Chinese Government. Humbling.

3. And talking of bravery, let us also salute the motley collection of ex-cons, kitchen staff, an off-duty copper, a civil servant, and a couple of tour guides, who tackled and disarmed a murderous Jihadist who was armed with two huge kitchen knives, starting in Fishmongers Hall and ending on London Bridge. Darryn Frost, the civil servant wielding a Nawahl tusk, got a lot of publicity, but WTF’s heart belongs to John Crilly, on licence for manslaughter, as he put a fire extinguisher to a dual purpose. First he used it to spray the bastard to the ground, and then he hit him with it. Top stuff.

4. The England cricket team, twice snatching success from the jaws of defeat. Special mention to the awesome Ben Stokes. There are times when it is still possible to feel pride in this country. Here were two them.

5. WTF has only just discovered The Marvelous Mrs Maisel. Wow, it’s wonderful.

6. Netflix, for bringing top movies The Irishman, Roma, and Marriage Story right into your living room. This way you don’t have to schlep out in the cold to see them, plus no one is crunching their way through a carton of popcorn the size of Scotland.

7. The number of hump back whales has increased from 450 fifty years ago to 25,000 in 2019. Proving, remarkably, that if you don’t hunt and kill things, they survive and prosper. Who knew?

8. Greta Thunberg, for winning Time Person of the Year. Because she has done so much good in making people (of all ages) think about climate change. And because it really, really, pissed off Mr Two-Tone. These are both good things.

Right – to business. I mean, it is time to vote for the WTF Christmas Turkey 2019, with eighteen persons vying for the much-coveted prize of looking like a total pillock. Remember that you can vote for as many people as you like, and as often as you like – none of that single transferable vote malarkey here. Just check the appropriate box or boxes on the ballot form. The contestants appear in first name alphabetical order, which denotes absolutely no preference on WTF’s part. Frankly, they are all so terrible, it would not matter what order they were in.

WTF will be back, tanned and rested, on 11 January 2019 with a brand new blog and the results of this Poll.

Here are the eighteen shockers for your delectation and selection.

1. Ajiona Alexus, actress.

Ajiona’s nether regions resembled those of a newly-plucked, exceptionally well-fed, ostrich. This is really rather disturbing.

2. Bel Powley, actress.

Until she saw Bel’s dress, WTF had no idea that tit goggles were an actual thing. Here was a pretty dress ruined by the aforementioned tit goggles, the python around her hips, and a cape designed for the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

3. Bobby Lytes, entertainer.

It was hard enough looking at the yellow lace and the sparkly kiddies’ trainers, and that was before you even got to the arse viewing panel. Yurgle. Put it away, Bobby!

4. Cardi B, rapper.

Of course, it could have been anybody in there, but whoever it was, s/he was awash with florals, like Hyacinth Bucket wandering in a verdant summer meadow. 

5. Darren Criss, actor.

Justin Trudeau lookalikey Darren demonstrated the hazards of a satin suit, which always puckers and crumples like a sharpei’s bum. And this one came with its own ombré comfort blanket.

6. Dascha Polanco, actress.

Dascha was dressed as a tinfoil version of the Sandeman logo, but with genitalia curtains and some silvery sandals.  One gust of wind and there could have been an international incident.

7. Ezra Miller, actor.

This is proof, should proof be required, that red eyeshadow does not look good on anybody. Nor does writing SLUT on your cheekbone. Nor does the combo of leopardskin shorts and stole, complete with the ‘Take-a-letter-Ms-Jones’ pussycat-bow blouse and lamé bootees. 

8. Jeremy Scott, Moschino designer.

Jeremy is a serial offender, with the emphasis on ‘offend’, and this ridiculous outfit was no exception, like a kinky bondage matador dressed for all eventualities. 

9. Joan Collins, actress.

Dame Joan is 86 years old and is too old to be dressing as a doxy. Those trousers were just unacceptable. Stormy Daniels spoke disparagingly of Donald Trump’s ‘yeti pubes’, and sadly, Joan’s spangly bits brought those words to mind. Back to the ballgowns, Joan!

10. Julia Fox, actress.

Yes, WTF has said this before, and no doubt she will say it again. If you have to hang something in front of your minge, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it.

11. Justin Bieber, singer.

Why a 25-year-old man chose to wander round Beverley Hills dressed like one of the Lost Boys in teddy-bear jim-jams and smiley emoji slippers, WTF cannot say. But it did not look good. There is a village somewhere missing its idiot.

12. Kash Doll, rapper.

Tits ahoy! Tattooed tits at that. And there is camel-toe in abundance, puckered knees, a split trouser-hem, and sleeves like a Californian cheerleader’s pom-poms. Why?

13. Laverne Coxactress.

No knickers and tit-strips. And what looked like a slave’s halter. Just. Very. Bad. Laverne, you are better than this.

14. Lena Dunham, actress.


Lena has never really got the hang of Red Carpet dressing, and this was no exception. She looked just like an exploded Christmas muppet with tattoos. Horrid.

15. Lil’ Kim, rapper.

The proportions here were very odd (the dress, not Lil’ Kim, although frankly both are true). She looked as though she had been stretched sideways, and her head seemed to have been superimposed onto someone else’s body.

16. Melina Matsoukas, director.

As WTF noted at the time, this was like a medieval troubadour whose innards had been torn out by an angry monarch. Why anybody thought this was a good idea, Heaven knows….

17. Neelam Gill, model.

It is rare to find an imminent Minge Moment on a jumpsuit. Just saying. And there was an inordinate amount of tit.

18. Sam Smith, singer.

Sam was wearing bottle-green lacy leisurewear and a matching robe. With black brogues. The ‘a’ was for an Attitude Award, but it could equally have stood for ‘aaaarghhh’.

OK Readers! Get voting!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, Greta Thunberg, London Bridge, Politics, Texas, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

WTF The New Normal Special

Hallo Readers,

This is the last rant of the year, because next week, post-Christmas, we shall be enjoying the WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2019, with some truly terrible fashion fiascos for your delectation and selection. And this rant finds WTF feeling truly miserable. Why? Read on. But have the Samaritans on speed dial. She does.

  1. WTF is a fully paid up member of the sneering Metropolitan elite. She lives in Islington. She is a professional person. She has a decent income. She is a Remainer. She thought (and hell, let’s be honest, she still does) that Brexiteers were conned, lied to, and misled. But it turns out that people who voted Brexit  do not want to be told that they are thick. They do not want to be told they were conned. They were told they would get Brexit if they voted for it. They voted for it. And they did not get it. They did not want to see politicians boxing clever. They did not want to see another hung Parliament. And so they raised two fingers up to the sneering Metropolitan elite, albeit at the invitation of the Old Etonians. They then inserted those two fingers into our collective nostrils and twisted them. We lost. There is nothing we can do. We are routed. And we can only watch them deal with the consequences of their misplaced faith that the same party that has been in power for  a decade  will suddenly make it all better.  This is the new normal.
  2. Our Prime Minister is a liar. Everyone knows he is a liar. It does not make any difference. So what? It upsets the sneering Metropolitan elite. He is (apparently) a laugh. He wants to get Brexit done. And now he has five years to do whatever he wants. To assault our human rights. To dismantle our employment laws. To attack the NHS. Carry On Lying. This is the new normal.
  3. Trump got impeached this week, and it will not make any difference. It does not matter what he did. It does not matter what he said. He can be as unpleasant and venal and vile as he can be, and his fans will lap it up. And so it is OK for him to lie through his teeth. And so it is OK for him to attack a sixteen year old girl with Asperger’s. And so it is OK to suggest (falsely) that an FBI operative (Lisa Page) who was investigating his possible links with the Russians, was the subject of a restraining order from her lover. And so it is OK for him to lash out at the grieving widow of a war hero and long-serving Congressman, and to suggest that her husband is in hell – all because she voted for his impeachment. And his loyal supporters excuse it. Hate is fine. Denigration is fine. This is the new normal. 
  4. But be of good cheer, Readers. Corbyn won the argument. He lost sixty seats. But he won the argument. And  there are people who think Labour should replace him with someone who thinks exactly the same as he does. But who is female. And they actually believe it. This is the new normal.

Happy Christmas, everyone.

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We start our survey of the final week of the year’s fashion flotsam with our own, our very own, #NepotismBarbie Ivanka Trump wearing a navy blue cape by Moroccan designer Sanaa El Haddad, and a blue jumpsuit with a pussycat bow.

The cape is pretty, but the whole thing is very Princess Leia meets Lily Tomlin in Nine to Five. Who wears an embroidered floor length cape with a horrible and ill-fitting pussycat bow jumpsuit? Unless that person thinks she is a princess? Which of course she does. Newsflash. She isn’t.

Singer Billie Eilish, wearing who can even say what?

Objectively, this cannot be described as flattering. It makes Billie look like one of the Seven Dwarves, togged out in Grandma’s 1970’s sofa fabric.

Actress Keri Russell at the premiere of the umpteenth Star Wars movie, wearing Celine.

Keri looks like the Michelin Man with vitiligo.

Model, actress and LGBT activist Hunter Schafer wearing Burberry at the Billboard Women in Music event.

So here we have a gingham picnic cloth with shirt-tails like a minge gateway, and a frockcoat, and a mini skirt.  Plus her shoes resemble the foot binding that used to be the fate of Chinese women until Chairman Mao outlawed it. Just terribly, terribly, terrible.

Another guest, singer Rosalia wearing Antonio Grimaldi.


That cape looks like the escape slide on an aeroplane. The hair and nails are to be deplored and there is also underboob, which WTF hates almost above all things. 

Actor Timothée Chalamet at the London photocall for Little Women, wearing Thom Browne.

This suit is the love child of the Sugar Plum Fairy and Charlie Chaplin. As usual with Thom Browne, the jacket is designed for an eleven year old boy, and there are serious issues with the trousers, simultaneously too short and too baggy.

Here are superstars Jay-Z  and his wife Beyoncé  at P Diddy’s 50th birthday party. She is wearing Kutja & Meri.

It is the season to be Ktuja & Meri, but if Edward Scissorhands went to a fancy dress party as Beyoncé giving us an imminent Minge Moment, this is what he would look like. Who needs bodyguards when you are projecting spikes from your person?

WTF is also compelled to notice that there is imminent nipple spilth. Sadly, it must be observed that Beyoncé manages to look almost any dress look trashy. That slit is either too high because she likes it that way or because she needs to take two sizes up.

Also among the guests were siblings Khloe Kardashian (the blonde one) wearing Bryan Hearns, and Kylie Jenner (the dark one) wearing Balmain.

 Kylie looks like Angelina Jolie in Maleficent.

As for Khloe, she appears to be wearing something to avoid VPL Instead, she now has VCC – visible crotch cup. And in her case, her cup runneth over.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado, or, in this case, afishionado, Jonathan of St Pancras, who was freaked out, and then freaked out some more,  by pictures of thousands of penis fish washed up on Drake’s Beach in California. Careful now.

WARNING – THIS IS A SHOCK TO THE SYSTEM!!!

AND HERE IS ANOTHER WARNING TO GO WITH THE FIRST WARNING!!!

YURGLE!!!! This thing is ten inches long and is known, for obvious reasons, as a penis fish, but the official name is Urechis Caupo. In fact, it is not actually a fish but a giant type of worm. A discombobulated Jonathan notes that that a thing that looks like a thing, but is unattached to anything, is far too Lorena Bobbitt for comfort. It gives him the willies and It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Put a smile on WTF’s face by sending in your comments as her Christmas present. And don’t forget your splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday for the WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2019. Have a very happy Christmas and be good. x

Posted in Boris Johnson, Brexit, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, General Election, Ivanka Trump, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Election Special

Hallo Readers,

By the time you peruse this blog over your post-election breakfast, WTF will either have collapsed in a drunken stupor or have strung herself up by her pantyhose. In a further demonstration that the bigger the shyster, the bigger the victory, Britain has voted for a blustering, bullshitting, blond buffoon, just as the USA did in 2016. No lie is too outrageous. No infidelity cannot be overlooked. No bluster or burble is too blustery and burbly. Who cares about that stuff any more? Large swathes of the electorate clearly do not give a toss. In 2016, they believed his lies. In 2019, they do not even care if he is lying, as long as he gets Brexit done. This is the new political reality. It doesn’t matter if it is not real, even when you know it is not real, as long as it is what you want to hear. And so it is that some parts of the country that have not been Tory for decades, if indeed they ever were, suddenly turned blue, Blyth Valley, Stoke, Darlington, Redcar, Burnley, Wolverhampton NE, West Bromwich, Bishop Auckland and Tony Blair’s old seat Sedgefield, tumbled into Tory hands like dominos. Back in the BBC studios,Jeremy Vine shimmied back and forth over his floor map of constituencies like a contestant in Strictly Come Dancing giving his all to the jive, the scoreboard behind him turning blue like mood lighting.

But the opposition made it easy for him. Corbyn failed to tackle the anti-Semitism in his party, and alienated the Jewish Community as a result, which was told either that it was making it up (even after Corbyn admitted it and apologised), or that it should just suck it up. And now those pesky Jews will doubtless get the blame for the debacle, causing even more hostility towards them. But he also failed to take a position on Brexit, opting for a Swiss-style neutrality that impressed no one, not to mention his promises of billions to be spent on this, that and the other from no obvious source, like those idiots on The Apprentice who pitch up with their business plans, only to be torn apart by Claude and the bloke with the glasses, because they failed to include the costs of rent, staff and electricity. But of course, the results were nothing to do with him, because he told us so at his count. It was down to Brexit with a side helping of the Media. Not to him. Not to his policies. He is not even standing down immediately, although he said that he will go in due course, and so we are still stuck with him. As for the Liberal Democrats, Jo Swinson’s hubristic claims that she would be Prime Minister proved somewhat short of the mark because she lost her own seat in East Dunbartonshire by a hundred votes, while those terrible tit seams alone probably cost her party 30 seats. 

So this is where we are. We now have a Government that will get Brexit done, albeit not nearly as quickly as people have been promised. But we also have a Government that will pursue tax cuts instead of spending on social care and social justice, that will mount a systematic assault on human rights and workers’ rights, and which will be ruthless on immigration under the messianic policies of Home Secretary Cruella Patel. It will focus on the ugly and the unfair, empathy and honesty shoved to the back of the same cupboard in which Jacob Rees-Mogg had been locked since his Grenfell gaffe. The Conservative and Unionist Party will preside over the breakup of the Union as the SNP sweeps inexorably onwards and upwards. The only bright spot is that Ruth Davidson, former Leader of the Scottish Tories, had previously promised to swim naked in Loch Ness were the SNP to win over 50 seats. Which it appears that they will. God, that water will be cold…….. STOP PRESS – the SNP only got 48 seats. The Scots are spared the sight of Ruth Davidson’s naked person, and Ruth herself is spared hypothermia.

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We start our survey of the week’s sartorial slop bucket with singer Justin Bieber out and about in Beverly Hills.

Justin is 25. He is a married man. Yet he is going out in public in teddy bear shortie pyjamas and a pair of slippers with smiley emojis on them, like a schoolboy somnambulist. The only blessing is that his baseball cap is not back to front.

More sleepwear, this time at the #Fight4TheAmazon event in Los Angeles on actress Megan Fox, wearing Blumarine.

Megan is fighting4theAmazon in her nightie, which is super-super-tacky. And her nightie is also puckered.

To London, and the Capital Radio Jingle Bell Ball, where we encounter singer Ava Max wearing who even knows what?

WTF hates a transparent trouser almost as much as she hates a one-legged trouser worn by a two-legged person, which she hates almost above all things, particularly when it is crotch-hugging and worn with snow booties on both feet. This whole look reeks of indecision. You can imagine the discussion between Ava and her stylist. ‘Hey Ava! One leg or two? Ivanka Trump hair or Danaerys Targaryen hair?’ – ‘Er, dunno. Let’s do both’.. 

This is singer and songwriter Jax Jones wearing Chanel.

Jax is clearly paying homage to Vladimir Putin in his judo champ mode. Vlad is not perhaps not the most obvious role model… but WTF would give good money to see him wearing logo’ed Chanel.

And this is singer Sam Smith.

Sam is not going into the Christmas Turkey Poll for this nastiness, but only because he is already in there for something even worse. You will find out what on 27 December, and it will do your post-blowout indigestion no good at all. But this is still a stinker, a pair of white satin dental nurse track pants paired with a black turtleneck and a brown jacket, complete with white lego blocks on his feet.

Finally from this event, singer Rita Ora almost wearing Guy Laroche.

The designer at Guy Laroche has obviously been inspired by his kitchen floor tiles, with a cut-out section ready for a nephrectomy. 

Meanwhile, are those boots  or are they trousers with holes? With Rita, you can never really tell.

We are now in Paris at the Dior party attended by footballer David Beckham wearing Dior Homme.

This is awful. He looks like an oil slick in plimsolls.

And now two horrors from the GQ Men of the Year event in London. First, actress Julia Fox wearing Alexander Wang.

A peekaboo lace bodystocking might seem like tautology, but not to Alexander Wang, That black thing wrapped  around her looks like a sweater. One must repeat the WTF Golden Rule. If you have to hang something in front of your minge, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it.

Finally, we have actor Darren Criss also in Dior.

As we saw with Becks, a satin suit is a bad idea, because it crinkles and wrinkles like a sharpei’s rear end. But this particular satin suit is an even worse idea, because it comes with its own ombré sash-cum-comfort-blanket. WTF has two questions. First, has anyone ever seen Justin Trudeau and Darren in the same room? And second, why is Justin/Darren standing with his hand across his chest like Napoleon Bonaparte?

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh, who is in high indignation  about the Edinburgh Christmas Market.

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Edinburgh has a history of messing about with its magnificently austere dignity, foisting helter-skelters and Heaven knows what other gaudy monstrosities upon citizens and tourists alike, when all they want from Princes Street is to look at the Castle and say ‘oooh’, before nipping into M&S.  And now the burghers have permitted Princes Street Gardens, a glorious space between the New Town and the Old Town, to be crammed with stupid stalls selling all manner of Yuletide tat. It’s horrible and It’s Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which will be of cheer in these dreadful times, and please don’t forget your sizzling suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x

 

Posted in Anti-Semitism, Antisemitism, Brexit, Capital Jingle Bell Ball, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Chanel, Donald Trump, Fashion, Fashion Awards, Fashion Disasters, General Election, GQ men of the Year Awards, Ivanka Trump, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Jeremy Corbyn, Jo Swinson, Ken Livingstone, Nigel Farage, Scotland, Theresa May, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

WTF Bigly Umbrage Special

Hallo Readers,

This week the American President came back to Blighty to take part in the 70th anniversary of the founding of NATO, and to showcase his unique brand of mendacity, meanness of spirit, and braggadocio, not to mention his extraordinary day-glo burnt umber ‘tan’.  Despite Trump’s belief that he is the big dog and everyone else his obedient puppies, his obnoxious behaviour, rambling press conferences, perpetual lateness, and sneering attacks on those colleagues who failed to fawn, made him the proverbial turd in the NATO punchbowl. This culminated in President Macron, Prime Ministers Trudeau, Johnson, and Rutte, and Princess Anne, caught on a microphone at Buckingham Palace dissing Trump, whereupon the Orange One sat frozen faced throughout the next morning’s sessions, and then slunk home early without holding his much-anticipated press conference. Although to be fair, by that point, we had all had more than enough of him. It never seems to occur to Trump that if he pisses on colleagues’ trouser legs, they might retaliate by applying the mopping-up cloth to that part of his person where the sun don’t shine.

It is however an ill wind that blows nobody any good. Trump’s premature departure aboard Air Force One meant that he avoided questions on his relationship with Boris Johnson, whether the NHS was or was not up for sale, and his views on Brexit, all of which our PM was dreading. You may not think that it is possible to make Johnson look worse than he already does. This is a man who tells barefaced lies in those interviews he deigns to do, who maintains that he did not twiddle knobs with busty technology entrepreneur Jennifer Acuri, who claims that he is not sitting on a report on Russian interference in our previous elections because it is unhelpful to him and to the Tories/Brexiteers, who refuses to face the BBC’s Rottweiler-in-chief Andrew Neil, and who is unwilling to identify how many children he has spawned – that is, if he actually even knows the answer. Previous articles expressing racist, sexist and homophobic views are airily dismissed ‘as taken out of context’ or that they were ‘written years ago’, so that they do not count. So far, despite all that, he has managed to stay above water, but even he might not have survived the warm approbation of the President. Johnson, who only weeks ago was praising Trump, now avoided any public contact with him, and gave an hour’s press conference without even mentioning his name, much as the man himself pretended that he had never met Prince Andrew, despite hob-nobbing with him during his State Visit last June, not to mention hanging around with HRH, Jeffrey Epstein, and Ghislaine Maxwell in the halcyon days before Epstein was outed as a paedophile and Prince Andrew became the Royal Family’s version of the Man In The Iron Mask. Trump and Johnson – peas in a pod. Heaven help us all.

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We take all our examples of the week’s sartorial scandals from Monday night’s British Fashion Awards in London. We start with actress Noomi Rapace wearing Ann Demeulemeester by Sébastien Meunier.

If a Mountie went to a fancy dress party as Sir Walter Raleigh in kinky boots, this is what he would look like.

Actor Matthew Morrison.  No one has owned up to designing any of this. Good call.

Matthew looks like a geography teacher whose trousers were washed at way too high a temperature. WTF struggled to discern the thinking behind wearing a brown velveteen jacket with grey Prince-of-Wales check trousers and black patent pumps. And then gave up.

Designer Donatella Versace, wearing Versace.

The dress would be lovely on someone with a 32AA cup – it is a gorgeous colour and beautifully simple. But there is a distressing amount of spilth around the tit department, like soufflés tumbling out of their ramekins.

Kasabian member Serge Pizzorno,wearing Vivienne Westwood. Scroll down slowly.

WTF was initially not against the suit with its noughts-and-no-crosses pattern, until she got to the ankles, at which point she discovered truncated trewsies, thick black socks, and gold tap shoes like Ginger Rogers.

Fashionista and editor at large of LOVE magazine, Lulu Kennedy, wearing Charlotte Knowles.

They design of the dress makes Lulu look as if she is suffering from serious droop age, and her tights are ripped. Time for a rethink. Including the hair.

Singer Ellie Goulding, wearing Chloe.

Is this designed so that the wearer can go straight from the office to the Red Carpet? A housecoat worn  over cropped trousers and clumpy sandals fail to satisfy either of those criteria. And WTF has a prejudice against anyone with a turd on their head.

Model Winnie Harlowwearing Vivienne Westwood.

The lovely Winnie is dressed as a overblown rose with a fanny flap.

Actress Shailene Woodley, wearing Moncler.

You have heard of a puffer-fish? Well this is a puffer-dress, worn with the same sort of shawl sported by Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. At least it is warm, and given how chilly London is at the moment, that is a good thing.

Designer and transgender model Harris Reed, wearing Harris Reed.

These are actually trousers. This is not a gender issue. This outfit would look like shit on anyone. A bedraggled yeti in ugly shoes with horrible hair and bad eye makeup. And visible panties are not good, whatever may be in them. The only nice thing in the photograph is the glass of wine.

Model Neelam Gill,wearing Balmain.

Neelam is giving us an Imminent Minge Moment in a pinstriped C Section operation gown. Vile.

And lastly, actress Bel Powley, wearing JW Anderson.

Bel caught the attention of WTF aficionado Quixote, who nominated it for an OMG-What-Were-You-Thinking Award. This is a pretty dress, inexplicably ruined  by the addition of what can best be described as a pair of tit goggles and something around her waist resembling a python. So we have a snake charmer in tit goggles and a cape designed for the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Kill me now.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes (separately) from outraged WTF aficionados Charlotte, Gita, and Leah, all of whom wasted no time in complaining vociferously about Melania Trump’s horrible yellow cape and fuchsia-purple-whatever visible thingy, with matching suede Louboutin stilettos. The cape is Valentino and costs £4,500. The shoes are a snip at £495.

Compare the colour of this gruesome twosome’s oompa-loompa fake-tanned faces (and her legs, complete with foot blotch) with the colour of their hands. The get-up, a cape which Melania has teamed with a long-sleeved thermal vest and matching pumps, is just the pits. Why does she keep wearing capes? And for that matter, why does she keep wearing coats as capes, the subject of a separate complaint by WTF aficionado Pete? WTF thought it was to get her out of having to hold hubby’s little piggy-pink trotter-hand, but a better explanation comes from WTF aficionado Jen, who pointed out that if you were married to Donald J. Trump, you too would want to fly away. Still, Mrs Trump looks ridiculous.  It’s Got To Go.


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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which put cheer WTF up in these very troubling times, and please don’t forget your scintillating suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x 

 

Posted in Boris Johnson, British Fashion Awards 2019, Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, General Election, Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Andrew, Royal Family, Uncategorized, US Election, Worst Dressed Celebrities | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment