WTF Useless Lump Special

Hallo Readers,

Not long to go now. It is nearly all over, although the end cannot come soon enough. We have endured a balls-aching summer of hot air and empty promises by the two people promising to undo the mess that Britain is in, despite their having held the highest Cabinet positions. Not that you would know it as they prefer not to dwell on that bit. This week’s idiocies included Liz Truss positively salivating at the prospect of pushing the nuclear button, her admission greeted by an ecstatic round of applause from Tory voters at the hustings she was addressing. Vote Truss! Get nuked out of existence! If that isn’t a winning slogan, WTF does not know what is.

Meanwhile since his return from holiday, sightings of Boris Johnson have been rarer than hens’ teeth. He has been holed up at Chequers, enjoying the benefits of its swimming pool, tennis courts and rolling grounds and trying to work out how to steam gold wallpaper off the walls of the Downing Street flat he is soon to vacate, declining to become involved in anything that might be taken for work or to make any decisions that could assist a country becoming ever more petrified at the likely rises in fuel bills and food. However, you cannot keep a narcissist hidden forever and so it was that Johnson boarded the Government plane and headed to Ukraine to cuddle President Zelinskyy and pledge shed-loads of money to helping his fight against the Russian invaders. The fact that Johnson had previously declined to spend any public money on resolving the energy crisis, preferring to leave the decision to his successor, but yet felt able to splash the cash to help the beleagured Ukrainians, has less to do with leadership and more to do with polishing the brand, which has become a little tarnished of late, in preparation  for a life outside politics raking in the millions that await him for books, speaking engagements and who knows what directorial appointments. It is also possible that he is attracted by the idea of having a street named after him there, something wholly unlikely to happen over here. Walking with Zelinskyy through Kyiv and enjoying the adulation of cheering crowds was no doubt far more satisfying even than running around in a high viz jacket and hardhat or hobnobbing with nurses and doctors in one of the hospitals struggling following years of Tory neglect. Johnson has always been a man without shame and there was no reason to think that he would change in the dying weeks of his premiership. Nor did he.


We start our review of the week’s clothing catastrophes with actor Ema Horvath wearing Pamela Rolland at the premiere of the latest interminable Lord of the Rings saga.

Deary me. There is more bow than dress. She looks like a giant birthday present.

Next we are in Japan, where WTF is sorry to report that Brad Pitt is continuing his run of very silly clothing while promoting his movie Bullet Train.

WTF has nothing against janitors. They do sterling work. But if you are not a janitor, WTF sees no reason to dress like one, not least when you are a mega-movie-star and your janitorial ensemble does not come from the local B&Q but instead is another dastardly creation by Haans Nicholas Mott who is taking the piss, bigly. As a result, Brad looks like the character played by Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty.

Now we have singer Dua Lipa wearing a bralet, skirt and shoes by Marc Jacobs.

That is not a bralet for an adult person. That is leftover ribbon from Ema Horvath’s parcel, and it is patently not up to its allotted task. As for the alleged boots, to call them dog ugly would be a major insult to canines. Woof.

Say hallo again to singer Justin Bieber and his wife Hayley Baldwin Bieber. Justin is wearing stuff from his own Drew House fashion line while Hayley is flashing loads of flesh, as usual, wearing Blumarine with clumpy shoes by Alexander Wang. Remarkably they are going to the same event, and it is not a Halloween party but a launch party for Kylie Jenner’s new Tequila (I know. I KNOW).

Oh please. Hayley’s little leggies look ridiculous in those shoes, as if she has been weighed down by concrete slabs prior to being ditched in the river by rough types, and the combo of short skirt and hold up stockings put appalled onlookers in fear of an imminent Minge Moment. As for her spouse, he has been wearing stupid trousers for some years, but these are among the worst, being both bewilderingly baggy (he has to gather them when walking, like a Victorian dowager) and having little frills around the hems, like the paper things you put on the end of lamb chops to protect your fingers when eating them.

Here is lovely actor Idris Elba wearing something quite nonsensical at the premiere of BEAST.

There is original and then there is fuck-me-that’s-terrible. And this is way, way, beyond fuck-me-that’s-terrible. He looks like a dentist in a tie, only dentists do not wear ties. That said, there are many people who would love to have a filling ….

And finally, thanks to the sharp eyes of WTF aficionado Gita, we welcome back actor Nicole Kidman posing for Perfect Magazine, wearing Glenn Martens and Y/PERFECT boots.

Glenn Martens is also responsible for the Y/PERFECT line. We saw these ridiculous boots on Rihanna last week. They were grey suede and these are black patent but just as silly, like a couple of bin bags, but in fact the boots are the least of it. There is the hideous hair, the pussy pelmet that makes her look as if she is pissing bile and the horribly sexualised squat. The whole thing is an affront to dignity and so, both for the pose and the boots, WTF is combining this with her regular feature and saying IT’S GOT TO GO!! All of it.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Let us meet again next Friday. And keep those splendid suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your top comments. Be good x.



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1 Response to WTF Useless Lump Special

  1. quixote
    quixote says:

    Justin Bieber having to daintily hold up his skirts whatever-those-bags-are … priceless.

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