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Hallo Readers,

In series 2 of the original Spitting Image, the Almighty appeared and sang ‘Whoops, Sorry, I Cocked It Up Again’,  including the line ‘Why Did I let Timmy Mallet get to Number 1′?. Frankly, the Tory Party should ditch ‘Land Of Hope and Glory’ and adopt the Spitting Image song, because the cock ups keep coming. We’ve had Dominic Cummings on a sixty mile drive to test his eyesight, the total mishandling of the Covid-19 crisis, and now smarmy Robert Jenrick caught with his Ministerial trousers down. Jenrick overruled a local authority to grant planning permission to Billionaire Richard Desmond, and did so in time for Desmond to avoid an additional £40m in local taxes. Desmond and Jenrick had met at a Tory fundraising dinner, swapped mobile numbers like lovestruck teenagers, and then kept in touch with the rebarbative Desmond stating that he did not wish ‘to give his doe (sic) to Marxists’, a reference to Tower Hamlets Borough Council,  the poorest and most deprived council in Europe. Jenrick has since acknowledged that his intervention was unlawful for its appearance of bias and planning permission has been set aside, to be decided by someone else. And it now appears that Johnson was at the same dinner and had also played metaphorical footsie with Desmond.  But Johnson, as he did with Cummings, has declared that there is nothing to see here and that the matter is closed. 

Donald Trump once famously declared that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and Republicans would still vote for him. Similarly, one is bound to ask what on earth do you have to do in this Government to get the sack? Lying is clearly not a problem, nor could it be with Johnson at its helm. Breaking lockdown is not a problem. Running the department that grants planning permission to someone you chatted to over noisettes d’agneau à la Thatcher and apricot clafoutis gets you Prime Ministerial support. WTF is worried that Ministers will have to up their game to get the push and will start staging armed robberies of Bond Street jewellers or torturing cats. 

In contrast, Labour Leader Keir Starmer sacked his former rival for the post, Rebecca Long-Bailey, from her Shadow Education brief after she tweeted an interview in The Independent with actress Maxine Peake, who had suggested à propos of George Floyd, that the US Police had taken seminars in chokeholds from the Israeli Defence Forces. This was bollocks and Peake has since admitted she was wrong. Starmer took the view that antisemitic conspiracy theories should not be endorsed, even indirectly, by a member of his Shadow Front Bench, and anyway it gave him a chance to give her the heave-ho, which he seized with alacrity. WTF has not spared her criticism of the Labour Party’s mishandling of antisemitism, but wonders whether this could not have been better handled, with more negotiation and less virtue signalling. Long-Bailey was tone-deaf, given Starmer’s determination to rebuild relations with the Jewish community, and  she should have disavowed Peake’s statement on the IDF whilst endorsing her pro-Labour comments, but surely he should have sat down with her first? So the week ends with one prominent politician still in situ and another in shittu. Funny old game, politics……..

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Just for a change, today we turn our back on celebrity fashion and concentrate on the very best, or should that be worst, of the feature we began in 2014 called It’s Got To Go.  Loyal readers send in things that are getting on their nerves. This can be a politician, or some poncy food matter like the absurd tendency to serve food on things other than plates, or dodgy clothing items, and sometimes they come with photos. Read on. And be prepared to be shocked. As in needing a defibrillator shocked……

In June 2014, WTF aficionado David complained about Thom Browne’s new line of suits, as modelled here by the designer himself, composed of ridiculous shorts worn with shrunken jackets and brogues without socks. Kill me now.

He looks ridiculous. The jacket is inspired by the ones worn by late comic Norman Wisdom, a man much revered in Albania where they have a statue of him. And Thom’s tie is more askew than Donald Trump’s polling figures.

In December 2014, WTF aficionado Michael from Sydney discovered this. WTF wishes that he had never done so. But he did. DEEP BREATH, NOW. IT’S ONLY A TROMPE L’OEIL.  Meet the Colombian Ladies Cycling Team.

There is only one question. WHY? Frankly, the answer provided by the designer, Angie Tatiana Rojos, does not quite cut it. ‘The patch of fabric covering the rider’s crotch and midriff is gold, not nude as the photo made it appear. It’s sad that it takes something like this for cycling, and women’s cycling in particular, to get this much press’. Yeah right. Give women faux-midriffs and a faux minge and then express surprise when people express surprise. Who knew that would happen?

In January 2015, WTF aficionados David, Jan and Trisha were all shocked, and with good reason, by designer Rick Owens sending male models down the runway with a bad case of penis peek. WARNING!!!!!! MALE GENITALIA ON PARADE!!  SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE…….

Acording to Rick, ‘I thought it was the most simple, primal gesture—and you know I love a simply tiny, little gesture that packs the wallop’. Codswallop more like..…. No one wants to see a penis peephole. Yurgle.

In September 2015 WTF aficionado @GazaBoatConvoy shifted her attention from matters Palestinian to this disgusting backpack, known as the Scrote Tote.

Citizens have the right to go about their lawful business without being confronted with a giant scrotum, not to mention one much nearer to eye level than would normally be the case where two people are both standing up. As WTF aficionado Cath remarked, ‘Imagine being stuck in a tube carriage at rush hour with that inches from your face’. Indeed.

The following week, the Scrote Tote was challenged for awfulness by the late, lamented WTF aficionado Andrew Purnell, who sadly died last year. He produced these plastic bull testicles.

They are hung from the trailer hitch of your pick-up truck in Texas. You can buy them in a wide choice of colours, from realistic tans and browns through to pastels and winding up at bright fluorescent primary colours that glow in the dark. Just say no.

In March 2016 WTF aficionado Leslie brought this item to our appalled gaze – the cantaloupe panties.

This could possibly be one the worst things ever in the history of ever.  Made worse by the fact that the model’s bikini wax makes her look like a plucked chicken with freezer burn,

In May 2017, WTF aficionado Sarah complained about this ludicrous Chanel boomerang,

Indigenous Australians were unhappy at what they saw as cultural appropriation, not to mention a blatant ripoff. Chanel grovelled and issued a statement claiming that it ‘is extremely committed to respecting all cultures, and regrets that some may have felt offended’. Don’t you just hate it when someone ‘apologises’  without apologising? Chanel was not sufficiently sorry to withdraw this nonsense from sale. Not while there were people with more money than sense willing to pay £1,040 for it.

In June 2017, WTF aficionado Sally took extreme umbrage at these revolting Martin Margiela Tabi boots.

As Orwell put in at the end of Animal Farm, ‘The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.’ Sadly, these horrors are still hanging around on both men and women, most recently on actor Cody Fern at the Critics’ Choice Awards in 2019.

In August 2018, the wondrous Andrew Purnell again highlighted something totally disgusting – wait for it – Czech beer by ‘The Order of Yoni’.  made with ‘vaginal bacteria’.  Yes really.

The blurb for this devil’s brew reads: ‘A golden drink brewed with her lure and grace and flavored with wild instincts. Imagine a beer which every sip offers a rendez-vous with this hot woman of your dreams… she hugs you and kisses you gently, looking straight into your eyes… How much would you give for such a beer?.. ‘(Answer – zero. But I digress). ‘The beer containing quintessence of femininity….The secret of the beer lies in her vagina. Using hi-tech of microbiology, we isolate, examine and prepare lactic acid bacteria from vagina of a unique woman. The bacteria, lactobacillus, transfer woman’s features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers and other products, turning them into dance with lovely goddess.’ WTF is not sure how to put this politely, but if you want something tasting of vagina, there are other ways of getting it. Just saying……

It is a relief to get to September 2018, when WTF aficionado Rebecca drew our attention to this horrible jeans jacket, sold by US department stores Nordstrom for £370. 

£370 is an awful lot of money to look as if you have rolled about in a pigsty. Were you to buy a denim jacket from Uniqlo and a train ticket to the countryside, you could find a farm, roll around in the pigsty yourself, and still have enough left over to get a decent wardrobe.

In April 2020, WTF aficionado Yvonne brought this Trump sandwich to light.

That pile of ham would make a better President than the idiot Trump and the mouth is giving WTF nightmares. As is this steak, which Yvonne noticed last week on Twitter as featured by Peter A Macdonald. Wait for it…….

As Yvonne remarked, if this does’t turn you vegan, nothing will.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery.  And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the celebrity fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND/OR DISTANCED IF YOU CAN, AND WASH YOUR HANDS  x