In 1980, Mrs Thatcher made a speech at the Tory Party Conference in which she declared ‘You turn if you want to – the lady’s not for turning’. This was a play on words based on Christopher Fry’s The Lady’s Not For Burning, but Thatcher, who lacked any sense of humour, had no idea this was meant to be a pun. In contrast, Boris Johnson’s Government has already performed more U-turns than Steve McQueen in that famous car chase in Bullitt. It was only a few weeks ago that Johnson refused to exempt migrant NHS health workers from the Immigration Health Surcharge, only to change his mind 24 hours later. And this week, the wheels have just kept on spinning. First, having refused to provide free school lunches for needy children during the school holidays, Johnson then agreed to do this after a brief campaign by Manchester United and England striker Marcus Rashford. The boy done good and stuck it in the back of the net, leaving Johnson looking like the legendary goalkeeper invented by Private Eye, one-legged Wally Foot. Had this been at Old Trafford, supporters would have showered Johnson with orange peel and crisp packets and possibly the odd pound coin, before being escorted out by stewards and coppers shouting incomprehensibly about wrongful arrest.
That was bad enough, but there was more! Never settle for one screw-up when you can get two. Politics as BOGOF – buy one, get one free. Only this offer has cost Tim and Tilly Tosser, the taxpayers, over £108m. Three months ago, Matt Hancock, who is making a determined bid for Chris Grayling’s crown as the worst Minister ever in the history of ever, decided to invest in a coronavirus tracing app that was supposed to identify via their smartphones those who had been in close contact with someone infected. Those in the know about such things warned that the system would not work but Hancock ploughed ahead, only to throw in the towel this week. It appeared that the NHS App only recognised 4% of iPhones and 75% of Android phones, because phones go to sleep when not in use and cannot be re-activated by Bluetooth. Plus the App had trouble distinguishing between one metre (bad) and three metres (good) and so was about as useful as tits on a fish. £108m has gone glug-glug-glugging down the plughole and the system that was supposed to be up and running by May 2020 will neither be up nor running full stop and it is back to square one. So it is another triumph for Matt Hancock, the man who promised you 100,000 tests by the start of May (nope) and for this shit-show of a Government. Don’t you feel proud to be British?
This week’s fashion retrospective features the Trump Family and their associates and nochschleppers. What an absolute shower. Let us start with the first Mrs Trump, former Czech skier Ivana Trump. Here she is in Miami in April 2016 wearing a most ill-advised outfit.
Despite an acrimonious divorce, she and her ex are on good terms, to the chagrin of the third Mrs Trump. But then, Ivana did well in the settlement, receiving a 45-room mansion in Greenwich, Connecticut, an apartment in Trump Plaza, the use of Florida hell-hole Mar-a-Lago for one month every year, plus $14 million. You can live on it. As for the dress, it looks like one of those experiments you do at school in physics class using a magnet and iron filings. And it is way too short for a woman of 67.
Next up, we have Trump shill Kellyanne Conway, the woman who brought you the new concept of ‘alternative facts’. Indeed, everything Kellyanne says qualifies as an alternative fact, because it sure ain’t a real fact, or anything approximate to it. Kellyanne pitched up at the Trump inauguration in January 2017 in Gucci.
This cost $3,600!!! $3,600 to resemble a toy soldier.
Talking of Mar A Lago, welcome to Miami on New Year’s Eve 2017, where we find hosts Donald Trump and Melania Trump ready to welcome their guests to dinner and dancing. She is wearing Erdem.
For a man with money, it is surprising that Trump cannot find a tailor to make him a decent pair of trousers. Melania’s dress, like every single thing she wears, was far too tight around the tits and made her look like a Christmas tree bauble.
In June 2018, Melania Trump went to visit migrant kiddies locked up in cages in Texas wearing a parka by Zara retailing at $39 99, the back of which read ‘I Really Don’t Care, Do You?’. This went down like a cup of cold sick, and rightly so.
Opinion was divided between the interpretation that she was having a poke at Trump (the nearest he probably gets to one these days), and having a poke at the Media, which seems to be part of the Trump DNA. But either way, should FLOTUS really have behaved like Kevin the Teenager?
Another year, another New Year’s Eve at Mar a Lago, with the whole Trump Family. Meet Trump’s younger son by Ivana, Eric Trump, and his wife Lara Lea Trump.
Eric’s principal function is to make village idiots feel better about themselves. Lara currently helps to run the Trump Re-Election campaign. Like all Trump females, she has long hair and looks ready to bake you an apple pie or punch your face in, depending on your political alliances. For some reason, she chose to see in 2019 dressed as a mermaid.
June 2019 saw the whole Trump family, apart from young Barron, his son with Melanoma, in the UK for a State Visit, where they attended a White Tie Dinner at Buckingham Palace.
The problem with being a 300-lb slob is that you are not built for the short, tight, white waistcoat under the tailcoat. To wear one would reveal a mountain of stomach overhanging your trousers like an awning over a shop front. His tailor therefore knocked up this extra-long truss-waistcoat, which made him look like the love child of Carson the Butler from Downton Abbey and Percy the Penguin. And where was his wing collar?
Donald Trump Jr was also in attendance.
Another terrible look. That tailcoat would been fitted his dad. He looked like the love child of Carson the Butler and a fucking idiot.
Trump’s adored daughter Ivanka Trump visited Westminster Abbey with husband Jared Kushner. She was wearing a suit and fascinator by Alessandra Rich (£3,000) and Gianvito Rossi pumps (£700).
These two have done very well financially out of their roles as Trump’s advisers, but they should both be given the Medal of Honor for services to plastic – Nepotism Barbie and boyfriend Ken made flesh. The suit is horrible but the real horror here was that thing on her head, like a giant incontinence pad.
To the delight of absolutely no one, the Trumps were back in the UK in December 2019. They popped into Buckingham Palace for tea, she in a yellow Valentino Cape and magenta Louboutins.
Never say these two have nothing in common. Their faces and her legs were both sprayed the most ridiculous shade of toxic orange, but his little trotter hands and her elegantly manicured ones are as pink and smooth as a baby piglet.
March 2020 saw Lara Trump and Don Jr’s girlfriend, ex-Fox News presenter Kimberley Guilfoyle, at Mar A Lago to greet the Brazilian President and to celebrate Kim’s 51st birthday.
Kimberley, who is almost ten years older than her beau, is also part of the Trump Re-Election campaign and is very much out of central casting as far as Trump females are concerned. They both look ghastly, and could easily be part of a US version of Geordie Shore
Finally, here is Mr Tangerine Man himself in horrifying closeup.
No, sorry. No one has a face that colour. No one at all.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Honsa from West London, who has highlighted another Gwyneth Paltrow Goop horror coming onto the market. Following the appalling This Smells Like My Vagina candle, we now have….. the This Smells Like My Orgasm Candle. Yes, really.
According to the website blurb, there are whiffs of ‘tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose absolutes for a scent that’s sexy, surprising, and wildly addictive.’ In WTF’s opinion, this smells like bullshit, and rip-off bullshit at that, as this nonsense retails for $75. It – and Gwyneth – have got to go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do keep those comments coming in, which keep WTF cheery. And please do not forget both your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your nominations for the fashion retrospectives. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, STAY INDOORS AND/OR DISTANCED IF YOU CAN, AND WASH YOUR HANDS x
It’s gotta go has to be Dominic Raab for his ignorance and lack of historical knowledge!
I am sure that Gwynnie and her mates get wasted and take bets on what is the weirdest shit that they can unload on the public at ludicrous expense.
TITS ON A FISH! This entire government is resemblant of tits on a fish. Ineptitude. Absolute ineptitude.
I thought Ivanka’s fascinator looked like one of those papier mache sick bowls they use in hospitals. Kellyanne Conway looks like she’s come straight from a 1776 battle re-enactment and had to borrow Paddington’s hat because she left hers on the battlefield.
So that extruded white waistcoat the Dump wore was actually being a corset? At long last, it all becomes clear to me.