This is dedicated to the memory of my lovely friend Barbara who died one year ago this week, and who was a great fan of this blog. She is much missed.
In the great US state of Georgia, Georgians will be waking up today quivering. Some of them will be quivering because they have coronavirus, but others will be quivering because 24 April is the day they can go and get tattooed, have a hair cut and a pedicure, and go to the gym. Governor Brian Kemp, a man who would need a brain transplant just to qualify for the description of deeply dim, has decreed that this will be so, despite the fact that the rate of infection there is not falling, that the President’s Guidelines stipulate that the rate has to fall for a fortnight before taking teens, tiny, footsteps towards opening stuff, and that social distancing must be followed at all times. And that is not all. On Sunday 26 April, they can go to Church. On Monday 27 April, they can go to the thee-ate-er and eat in restaurants. And thence to hospital a few weeks later, there to benefit from one of the thousands of ventilators President Trump keeps banging on about, before progressing to the celestial version of McDonalds on the Sky, there to meet their Maker. Whose first question will be, ‘what the actual fuck did you think you were doing?’
Even Trump, who has been pushing for re-opening stuff ASAP, has been forced to criticise the Governor’s decision, that is after first praising him and not criticising it, because even a bear of very small brain like him can see that is not easy to have the words MAGA and KAG tattooed upon your epidermis by someone two metres away unless he has a needle the size of a totem pole and twenty-twenty vision. Or for a diminutive Asian nail technician to push back your cuticles and paint your tootsies Seductive Scarlet using a brush bigger than your average basketball player. But Kemp is pressing ahead regardless because the show must go on, because capitalism must thrive, and because he is an idiot. Highwaymen used to demand of travellers, ‘your money or your life’. Now the choice is your hair roots or your life. WTF prefers to colour in her grey bits with a sharpie and hope for the best…….
By popular demand, this week’s fashion retrospective is about actor Jared Leto, a stalwart of these pages. We start our review of Jared’s injudicious apparel in July 2014 at Paris Fashion Week, where he was wearing Chanel. Women’s Chanel!
Yihaw! Hessian chaps like a cut-price Clint Eastwood and scuffed pink suede boots. The worn-away nature of the scuffed hessian suggested – no doubt wrongly – that there had an element of frottage against a hard surface.
Our next stop is Hollywood in February 2015, when Jared attended the Oscars wearing Givenchy.
Like a lavender wet dream. The last time WTF saw something like that, it was on a pageboy at a spring wedding. And he could have bought the getup at Marks & Spencer for a fraction of the price….
Here we are in July 2016 at the premiere of the series Great Wide Open, which he directed, wearing Gucci.
Dolly Parton famously said that ‘it costs me a lot of money to look this cheap’. Despite the fact that he looked as if he had rolled in dirt, his outfit probably cost the same as a California beach house. As for the footwear, WTF’s dad had a pair of slippers just like those.
We are back to the Oscars, this time the Vanity Fair after party in February 2017. In Gucci.
He looks like a well-heeled tramp. The whole thing put WTF in mind of the time in 2012 when Ian Beale in EastEnders became a tramp and lived rough in Walford.
In June 2017, Gucci premiered its Cruise Collection and of course, Jared was there.
That is possibly the most ridiculous bathrobe ever. Jared would have been advised to steer clear of any naked flames, as it looked extremely inflammable. The rest of the outfit was like a rancid rainbow of rubbish, down to the silver space shoes like Captain Spock goes gay.
And here is our hero at the Video Music Awards September 2017, in Gucci.
If a member of the Grateful Dead went to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter in his invisible cape, this is what he would look like.
September 2018 saw Jared back at Paris Fashion Week, sporting Gucci.
Oh Lordy. He looks like the lovechild of a fairground fortune-teller and George Harrison in his post-Beatles, Maharishi phase. And those boots indicated that Jared yomped across the Pyrenees to get there.
In December 2018, Jared attended a Christmas party dressed in this Gucci ghastliness.
Who knew that the Snow Queen had such an abundance of facial hair? There seem a lot of things hanging around for no clear purpose, including Jared himself, and those trousers are an assault upon the eyeballs.
In February 2019, he was back at Gucci’s show during Paris Fashion Week.
Sorry but this was a cleaning overall. An expensive, colourful, cleaning overall. Corrie’s Hilda Ogden was alive and well and living in Paris. With a beard.
And finally here we are in Milan in March 2020 at Gucci’s show.
Fuck me, it’s Paddington bear in purple trousers and shoes like gold ingots……
This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Zee from Devon, who has taken understandable umbrage at Princess Beatrice, daughter of the nonce’s friend Prince Andrew, who has postponed her wedding to some Italian bloke, again.
The first time it was because of the obloquy heaped upon her father after his interview on the BBC about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. HRH reportedly thinks that after coronavirus has passed, everyone will want to celebrate her nuptials with a massive wedding paid for, at least in part, by Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers. Here is the breaking news, No one gives a stuff about Beatrice or her fiancé or her wedding. And should we all come of this nightmare alive, the last thing we will want to do is to fork out to see her in a horse-drawn carriage. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and the candidates for the celebritee fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, WASH YOUR HANDS AND STAY INDOORS. x
Barbara was a dear friend and is sorely missed 🕯️
Saving this up for sunset with wine moment. CV19 is now surreal: Trump saying inject disinfectant (which would eliminate 350 million Americans, so the Native Americans could have their country back), then Detol issuing a statement saying Detol and any disinfectant is unfit for human consumption. xx
Just waiting for the first disinfectant related death, because we all know there will be some!
I hear the smarter ones are actually calling consumer hotlines to get confirmation that self-embalming is a good idea.
Others, of course, are just going ahead and chugging the stuff. Eighteen cases of emergency room visits in NYC, I think it was yesterday, which is nine more than the same time last year. Plus, they were drinking Lysol, which was previously Not Done.
Just got to enjoy this, having been reviving my dust-coated sewing skills to make scrubs for doctors so their 47 years or so of rigorous training to serve patients does result in them catching Covid 19 from a patient and dying three years into their qualifications – all thanks to inept government who slept for 38 days, then went into denial, then pretended it could run the show and treat British citizens like children ‘go home, stay inside because I told you to’ instead of including us in from the get go. Shall be making more scrubs, or perhaps masks, whatever I’m asked to do by generous-hearted volunteer Kath who runs the Stroud hubscrub. (Hubscrubs founded by three women in Hackney, as you know – note, women; note, north London near us.)
Love your column this week, especially our Maker’s welcome. We shall be in this for months. xx