Hallo Readers

Apologies for the layout. Bloody WordPress has buggered around with the format AGAIN. WTF is not happy with WordPress. Not even at all. 

But she is very happy with this man. Captain Tom Moore, aged 99 and  a World War 2 veteran, lives with his daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren in Bedfordshire. Captain Moore turns 100 on 30 April and seeing as his party had to be cancelled due to coronavirus and the guests all being stuck at home, he thought that he would do something else instead. He decided to raise a sum of maybe £1,000 for the NHS by walking 100 lengths of his garden on his Zimmer frame, 10 lengths a day. This wheeze went rather well, because at the time of writing, he has raised an extraordinary £16m.  What a man, what a hero, what a gentleman. WTF has said it before and she will say it again. That wartime generation was – and is –  incredible. Incredible. If Captain Moore is not given a knighthood in the June Honours List, then there will probably be a riot. And WTF will be at the front, throwing rotten fruit about with gusto.

Contrast Captain Moore with the shockers who run Tottenham and Liverpool Football Clubs. When the UK Government launched a scheme to furlough employees and pay 80% of their wages, Tottenham submitted its application. The furlough did not apply to the Spurs’ players, however. They continued to receive full whack for sitting in their garish mock-Tudor mansions on their PlayStations. So Hughie the Hamburger Man and Polly the Programme Seller, who are paid frumpence a week, went down to 80% of frumpence, paid for by Tim and Tilly Tosser the taxpayers, whilst Tanguy Ndombele and Harry Kane still pocketed their £200,000 a week. Meanwhile the club’s owner, billionaire Joe Lewis, is floating about on his £125m yacht in the Bahamas. Liverpool, owned by US billionaire John Henry did the same. Again the people who wash the kit or rake the pitch at half time were put on 80% of not much, while Mo Salah carried on receiving his £200,000 a week. Such was the public outcry that both clubs soon decided they would rather give full pay to all of their staff rather than endure the buckets of ordure directed at them by all and sundry, including their supporters and former players. Other owners , including the ineffable Mike Ashley of Newcastle, first to take advantage of the scheme,  continue to plunder the country’s coffers. Captain Moore may not have much money of his own but he is richer than Croesus when it comes to decency and generosity of spirit. The country salutes you, sir. Thank you.

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This week, by popular demand from Readers various, we feature a fashion retrospective on Lil’ Kim. And not just her changing outfits, but her changing face, because there has definitely been some interference with the workings of nature.

We start in November 2013 when Lil’Kim stepped onstage displaying her bra and more camel toe than the biggest dromedary’s wet dream ever in the history of ever. 

What possessed her?  Meanwhile the manufacturers of Canesten put their workers on overtime, gave the directors a pay rise, and delivered their unguent to Lil’ Kim’s house by tanker. She was a worthy winner of the coveted WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2013, and no wonder…. Ouch.

Here we are at the Soul Train Awards in November 2014 with our lil’ friend wearing Tom Ford. Tom Ford!!!!

Those boots are the pits, not least as their toelessness display very shiny pantyhose. As for the outfit, if a hatcheck girl went to a fancy dress party as a kinky member of Hitler Youth, this is what she would look like.

In December 2015, Lil’ Kim went to the Growing Up Hip Hop Awards wearing this bizarre thing.

The jacket is fine, but as you can see, Lil’Kim does not consider herself dressed unless there is at least some part of her person on display which would normally be covered up by God-fearing folk. On this occasion, it is her crotch. It often is. Oh, and blond is so not her colour.

In July 2016, Lil’ Kim graced Paris Fashion Week wearing Ralph & Russo.

Wearing is not quite the accurate word, is it? It is difficult to decide whether she needed to take a size up or just could not be arsed to tie her (very pretty) robe properly, but whichever the reason, going out coram publico in a swimsuit flashing a great deal of tit, a diamond necklace and tights shinier than a sergeant-major’s shoes is just plain silly. It maybe that this was all inspired by Katherine Hepburn in The Philadelphia Story, but Ms H did it much, much better…and without those ugly shoes.

We move to June 2017 where our heroine was clad in something or other by Angel Brinks at his fashion show.

To be frank, this was not so much a case of brinks as going way over the top and then heading out towards infinity. Lil’ Kim probably did not mean to look like an uber-shiny Laa-Laa from the Teletubbies, but Readers, she did, she really did.  ‘Eh-oh!!’

February 2018 saw Lil ‘Kim at New York Fashion Week wearing Balenciaga.

The immensely vulgar shearling jacket cost $4,000, but the main horror were the yellow tights, which put WTF in mind of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night where Olivia’s steward Malvolio is tricked into wearing yellow stockings. 

‘If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady. He will come to her in yellow stockings, and ’tis a color she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests’.

Later that year, in September, Lil’ Kim modelled the VFILES Yellow Label Line by designer Paul Cupo.

Oh Lord! Why was this even happening? She looked like the love-child of a Barbie-doll skater and a bowl of banana ice cream.

2019 was a VERY bad year. First in June Lil’ Kim attended the BET Awards wearing whatever the hell this was and Chanel accessories.

That is probably the silliest handbag WTF ever did see in her life. Maybe Lil’ Kim was going tenpin bowling afterwards. As for the dress, WTF detests pleated tits almost above all things and the whole thing was reminiscent of a scaly anteater.

In September,  she was to be seen at the US Weekly party in this alleged ‘dress’ and hideous boots.

Why was she wearing a haystack?

Finally, here we are in October 2019 at the Hip Hop Awards with Lil’ Kim wearing Gucci.

Lil ‘Kim’s hair was full-on Mrs Slocum from the 1970’s TV comedy Are You Being Served? This was about the most coverage we have ever seen on her, but there was still an over-abundance of tit, some very slithery fabric and some of the worst sandals ever seen in public.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado WTF, who wants to know why anyone with 10% of a brain cell thought it would be a good idea to allow 60,000 people to gather together cheek by jowl at the Cheltenham Race Festival between 10 and 13 March this year, long after it was clear that people were infecting each other with coronavirus and that people could die. But no, thousands of twats trotted along, got pissed, and lost their money, And then who knows how many of them got ill or made other people ill? Criminally negligent. It’s Got To Go. And sadly, as a result of it, many people probably have.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions for  It’s Got To Go and the candidates for the celebritee fashion retrospective. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, WASH YOUR HANDS AND STAY INDOORS. x