WTF’s father had a variety of wonderful expressions, but the best was when WTF’s mother asked him if he wanted to go to dinner at some friends of theirs, although WTF père took a decidedly poor view of these people and particularly of the wife, who had airs above her station and was also the world’s most terrible cook. He looked at WTF mère and asked coldly ‘Why would a man voluntarily dip his head in a bucket of shit?’ And that, Readers, is Brexit. It is a bucket of shit. And yet it is now Mrs May’s headwear of choice.
May has negotiated to a draft deal to get out of the EU, except we are not really getting out at all. We will stay in the Customs Union until December 2020 as a transitional step and during that time, and perhaps for many years thereafter, we will have to aide by the rules. We will still be subject to the rulings of the European Court. There will still be freedom of movement, and we will still have to pay for our joint commitments, about £50 bn. It is a bit like Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. On 29 March 2019, we are checking out of the EU. After that, we cannot use the swimming pool with its big fluffy towels, the germans will grab the sun beds and there will be no free breakfast in the executive lounge. But our credit card will still go on being charged.
Brexiteers are furious. We are out but not out and without a say in anything. There has been much preening and pouting. Two Cabinet Ministers accepted the proposal on Wednesday but flounced out on Thursday. Six junior Ministers, people of whom WTF had never heard and would not recognise were they sitting at her table taking tea, also resigned. Top Tory tosser Jacob Rees-Mogg MP submitted a letter of no confidence in his Leader and doubtless many others will follow suit. Tories are openly at war, as exemplified by splendid Victorian relic Sir Nicholas Soames MP, Churchill’s grandson. He had already much endeared himself to WTF this weekend by having a go at Donald Trump over his failure to venture out of doors in Paris to visit American military graves, describing him as ‘a pathetic inadequate’ who ‘couldn’t even defy the weather to pay his respects to The Fallen’. On Thursday, as oafish thicko Andrew Bridgen MP berated May in the Commons, Sir Nicholas’ stentorian tones were heard booming “Sit down, you disloyal little twerp”. It was a cheery moment on what was otherwise a bad day.
Here’s the thing, Readers. There is no such thing as a good Brexit deal because all that stuff Brexit campaigners promised us were never going to happen. It was like cold callers promising you fantastic interest rates or people emailing you asking you to help them get their auntie’s funds out of Nigeria in exchange for a slice of the action, if you first give them your bank details. It was a chimera, an illusion, a delusion. The EU was never going to shower us with contracts. It was never going to let us leave, but behave as if we had never left. It was never going to give us a better deal as non-members than we got as members. And so rather than have lorries parked for days waiting for goods to clear customs, and all-out mutiny in Northern Ireland, we are in this pathetic half-way house and no-one is happy. Bring on a second referendum and see if The People still want to dip their heads into the bucket.
We begin our sartorial survey of silliness with Brigitte Macron and Melania Trump in Paris on Armistice weekend. Brigitte always wears Vuitton. Melania is wearing Dior.
Brigitte looks fine, if a little hungry. Melania. on the other hand, looks like Miss Marple having overdone it on the Victoria Sponge, which is ridiculous because she is not remotely large. But as outraged WTF aficionado Compos Mentis (@megatonlove) tweeted to @WTF_EEK, ‘Please tell me you’re not going to let Mylanta get away with this, er, outfit.’ No fear. It looks like Melania is hiding her secret service detail under her skirts.
To the Country Music Awards and singer Jennifer Nettles wearing Uel Camilo.
Jennifer looks like an ostrich with alopecia.
Now we are at the People’s Choice Awards and E! Presenter Giuliana Rancic, wearing Bao Tranchi.
Ms Rancid clearly shares the same tanning technician as Donald J Trump and is the colour of a nuclear tangerine. She has also forgotten to put on her skirt. Or to eat anything.
And here is actress Christina Hendricks ,wearing Temperley.
On this evidence, Christina’s stylist is nursing a serious grudge, dressing her like a transgender marine in seriously unflattering combat fatigues with sparkly Louboutins and a red silk clutch that has nothing to do with the price of fish.
To the Victoria’s Secret After Party where you can never be sure whether the models are still in their catwalk undies or have got changed for the event. See what I mean with model Gizele Oliviera, wearing Aadnevik.
Of course, she is gorgeous – they all are or they would not be chosen to prance up and down in their scanties. But even Gizele cannot make a bustier and long strands of minge fringe look good.
This is model Iesha Hodges, wearing Cushnie and Ochs. Scroll down slowly…
All is well until you get to the ankles, at which point things go seriously awry. If a duck went to a fancy dress party as John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, this is what it would look like.
And our third woman in white, model Gigi Hadid wearing Versace.
She is wearing a condom and more sparkly Louboutins. Even she looks terrible. Kill me now…
And finally, we have actor Ezra Miller at the premiere of his movie Fantastic Beasts – The Crimes of Grindelwald, wearing Givenchy.
Just because the movie is called Fantastic Beasts does not mean that young Ezra had to dress up a polar bear. WTF is also baffled why he has smeared that stuff under his eyes, like Aussie cricketers do to ward off the wicked UV rays, and why he has stigmata on his palms.
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado and comment-leaver supreme, Andrew Purcell of Texas, who drew this revolting thing to her attention. Yes!!! It’s Trumpy Bear!
The blurb for this excrescence (yours for only $56 99) says ‘Don’t miss out on owning a piece of American History! Trumpy Bear is a plush 22″ bear with an attached 28″ by 30′ American Flag blanket cape. Trumpy has a zippered neck where the blanket is stored’. Mind you, Trumpy Bear appears to be much more intelligent than his namesake0 and his hair is definitely more realistic. The morons who worship the Orange One will be logging on to Amazon before you can say ‘impeachment’, using the few dollars they got in their tax cut to pay for it. It’s Got to Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF enjoyed your comments last week and hopes to carry on enjoying them this week. And don’t forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.
*Wondered how you were going to get from WTF pere’s bucket of shit to Ms. May and Brexit. It was an interesting journey. I’ve mentioned this once or twice in the years since the referendum, but the Brexiteers seem to want the privileges of membership without the responsibility of paying for it. The rest of the EU isn’t likely to agree that the sheer pleasure of English company is worth it. If God himself sent down a Brexit deal etched on stone tablets to a modern day Moses the Brexiteers would still hate it.
*The image of you hosting members of the May government for tea doesn’t ring true. Can’t see this happening. Unless they were tightly bound to their chairs and doused in gasoline while you carefully lit candles.
*Hadn’t come across a color described as “nuclear tangerine” but if I could take a time machine back to 1979 I would christen my Punk Rock band with it. I’d have given the Sex Pistols a run for the money.
*I can’t tell if Gizele’s almost-but-not-quite skirt has a slit reaching her waist or did she just manage to forget to put her right leg into it.
*By the time I had scrolled to the bottom of Iesha’s picture, but before I read your description, I was hearing Daffy Duck singing karaoke with The Bee Gees; “Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive, uh uh uh uh stayin’ alive”. This outfit is a classic and I expect to see it as a leading candidate for Christmas Turkey.
*Ezra Miller came up this morning as a crossword puzzle answer. Even after filling in all the letters I still had no idea who he was.
*Impressed that you know about stigmata. You’ve either had a Catholic education somewhere along the line, or you do crossword puzzles.
Jennifer Nettles is obviously just getting into the pre-Christmas spirit (or possibly Thanksgiving) and had come as a plucked turkey. I am very grateful to whomever ‘designed’ her net overlay shroud for being very, very careful with where they left the clumps of feathers.
The Brexit negotiations are apparently fuelled by Mr May making beans on toast and whisky each night for Mrs May. Should have been more toast and less whisky, as she must have been completely wasted to have come up with that ‘deal’.