Hallo Readers,

Even by the poisonous standards of the Daily Mail columnists, bilious bitch Amanda Platell outdid herself last Saturday.  Her subject was Great British Bake Off, the genteel show where contestants whip up buns, cakes and pastries to be judged by surly Scouser Paul Hollywood and charming octogenarian Mary Berry. Both Paul and Mary know all about baking so when white, well-bred, well-spoken teenager Flora failed to make the Final, WTF accepted their stated reason that they could taste the raising agent in her chocolate carousel cake. Platell however saw it differently. For her, the fact that the finalists were Nadiya, a housewife in a hijab, Tamal, a gay doctor and “new man” Ian, a travel photographer, was proof positive that the BBC had engineered Flora’s exit because she was “too middle class”. This was of course bollocks but Amanda had only tottered into the foothills of bollocks. She reached the summit with the next sentence “Perhaps if she’d made a chocolate mosque, she’d have stood a better chance.” Now this is offensive on so many levels. The Islamophobia. The homophobia. The sub-text that a carousel is oh-so-British. The visceral knee-jerk hatred of the BBC. And the implicit suggestion that you cannot have Bangladeshi or Indian parents and be as good as the fragrant Flora so there must have been another reason why you made the Final, namely a dictat from those politically correct lefty gays at BBC Broadcasting House with Jeremy Corbyn as their screensaver. Even poor old Ian was only there because he is a “new man”, i.e. Amanda had to think of a reason why a white man was a Finalist. The undercurrent is that if your parents were not white and born here, you are not entitled to win Great British Bake Off.   A view held by many it would seem.

Here’s the thing. Platell (who by the way is Australian but hey, at least she is white) and the others of her ilk, particularly those who take the Mail and Murdoch shilling or who leave vile comments on its website or that of the The Telegraph, are always banging on about how Indians and Pakistanis and Bangladeshis come over here and do not assimilate. Yet here are Nadiya and Tamal baking up a storm. Nadiya told The Radio Times that desserts are not part of Bangladeshi cuisine but inspired by Jean Marshall her cookery teacher at school, she began to experiment and soon her family, friends and neighbours were feasting on Victoria sponge and carrot cake. She added “Just because I’m not a stereotypical British person, it doesn’t mean I am not into bunting, cake and tea. I’m just as British as anyone else, and I hope I have proved that.” To which WTF says Nadiya, you are wrong. You and Tamal do not need to prove anything. It is those who expect you to prove something that are the problem. Those who support Platell’s disgusting views. Those who think women in a hijab cannot be British. Those who believe you are not British unless you are white, straight, Christian and born here to parents who were white, Christian, straight and born here and who loathe the BBC for its commitment to diversity. They, Nadiya, and not you, are the problem.

For the record Nadiya smashed it to win the competition. She should bake a chocolate spittoon and use it to show her contempt for Platell and her ilk. Please form an orderly queue…

We move to the week’s clothing crapfest, starting with British actress Kaya Scodelario at the premiere of Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials wearing Chanel.

For those with unlimited funds and no common sense whatsoever, forget going to Morris Angel for your fancy dress experience. Get Karl Lagerfool to design a couture penguin costume with insouciant bow tie and team it with stupid bootees.

The Inside Soap Awards are always an excellent source of fashion faux-pas and this year was no different. This is Hollyoaks actress Jessica Ellis.

Granted it is unfortunate that Jessica’s shirt clashes so badly with the background but even were she to be standing against a plain white one, the problem would be not just that the shirt is very lairy but that she forgot to put anything with it. Like a skirt or trousers.

We pop into Hollywood to meet actress Dania Ramirez wearing Dora Abodi.

She’s got wings. And encrustations on her boobage. And a skirt which appears to be made out of cat tails. Baffling.

To Paris Fashion week where Balmain seemed to dominate the headiness. We start with actress Jada Pinkett-Smith (wife of Will Smith) at the catwalk show.

Jada!  Are you having a laugh? That is not a skirt and it would be unforgivable on Kendall Jenner who is barely 20 whereas you are 44. Balmain has gone very big on latticework next season. Latticework has its place. But on a pie.

Perhaps it is the nearest this lot will ever get to a bit of pastry so they wear it rather than eat it. Or something….

Back to the show after-party, where we meet a newcomer to these pages, Dubai-born stylist and fashionista Mohammed Sultan al-Habtoor seen here with his model pal Coco Rocha. At least they’re not wearing latticework, for which relief much thanks. However…..

Coco looks like a maypole but it is Mohammed who catches the eye. An article about him described his career as progressing “from model to soldier to fashion designer to stylist”.  As Lady Bracknell remarked, a life filled with incident.  But why is he dressed as Crocodile Dundee? Not that Crocodile Dundee would get very far in the Outback with those ridiculous Roman sandals. A croc would be nibbling at his toes before you could say Kakadu National Park.

Nonsense also abounded at the Vivienne Westwood party with Zendaya wearing one of the Dame’s creations.

Ummm…… Zendaya had been out skating and had to wrap a tablecloth around her because she had fallen down on the ice and had a wet bottom. Because there cannot be any other reason to wear this. Can there?

And we go to the Vogue Party for even more nonsense, this time on Russian model  Natasha Poly wearing Francesco Scognamiglio who is fast becoming a WTF bugbear.

Francesco is unable to contemplate the concept of opaque fabric. This is a typical creation, all flounces and frou-frou and frilly drawers like a bad baby doll with sleeves. Remember WTF’s Golden Rule – if it looks like shit on a supermodel, then it is probably is. 

Ah! She’s back. Here is actress Bai Ling dressed as a road sign at the Hollywood film Festival.

When people dream of being key in Hollywood, they probably do not mean this. The photo was taken before the Oregon shootings but given the Americans’ inalienable right to shoot kiddies dead any time, any where, wearing a gun-shaped bra is never going to be tasteful. And whilst her body is enviable for any age, let alone 48, one just wishes that she would put the bloody thing away.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is Amanda Platell. Bitch. See above.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Comments abounded last week, which made WTF happier than a happy thing. That and Arsenal’s 3-0 victory over Manchester United and she was pirouetting like Sylvie Guillem. Keep them coming and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

3 responses to “WTF Bake Off Special”

  1. Jessica Ellis’ shirt doesn’t clash with the background as much as blend into it.
    Think of it as Red Carpet Camouflage.
    I saw your references to “chocolate mosque” and “chocolate spittoon” online earlier this week. Even with a couple of years exposure to your innovative use of language I could not figure out how you were going to fit those words into a blog on politics and fashion. Guess I don’t watch enough television.
    By the way, Mark Twain is supposed to have claimed that “spittoon” is the prettiest sounding word in the English language, but I think even he would draw the line at one made of chocolate.

  2. I was enjoying this but then you had to go and mention that travesty last weekend. We woz robbed, I tell you, robbed! You started while we were still getting changed! It’s not fair, mutter, grumble, whinge….

  3. Me thinks Tamal should go work where Platell lives…I mean sooner or later she’ll need a doctor- right?……

Leave a ReplyCancel reply