wtffashionshark

 Hallo Readers,

Last Saturday people driving to Dover, thence to travel to France by ferry, found themselves in a four-mile queue on the motorway. But not for the usual reasons. When this has happened before, it has been the pesky French immigration officials punishing us for having left the EU. Or something. But in this case, the delay was down to a few hundred men in black, wearing balaclavas in 23° heat, shouting incomprehensibly. Who were they? What were they doing there? What did they want? The police were completely baffled because no arrangements had been made for a demonstration, meaning that the gathering was unlawful. Subsequently, it turned out that they were there at the behest of some person called Tommo, to protest about what the Rancid Kumquat likes to call illegal aliens landing on small boats or large dinghies in the Dover area. Why they had to wear balaclavas was unclear but it was certainly most intimidating. On Sunday, they were at it again, this time in Portsmouth, where they waded into the water and attempted to stop the Royal National Lifeboat Institute from rescuing and escorting crafts full of the aforesaid illegal aliens. Of course, rescuing people from the water is what the RNLI is for; but in the topsy turvy world in which we live, the RNLI is now the enemy, in the same way as the Rancid Kumquat regards Canada as a bigger threat to the US than China, Russia, or North Korea.

The media fell upon the question of whether balaclavas should be banned. At which point, supporters of Tommo (who has served time for kidnapping), Farage, and the usual suspects, played the whataboutery card with the burqa and the niqab. Well, they said triumphantly, we find women with their face covered very intimidating. Which is nonsense. WTF herself does not like the burqa or the niqab because of what it says to her about women as property and second-class citizens, but she does not find it intimidating; and she strongly suspects that people who say that it is intimidating are more intimidated by the fact that the wearers are Muslim. Wearing a face covering for a religious reason is not remotely the same as wearing a face covering because you want to block the streets, cause chaos and stop people drowning, all in the name of English decency and the Lord Jesus, whose name they invoked on Saturday. Who, of course, would have thoroughly approved of such tactics…..

On Monday, Reform’s self-styled Shadow Home Secretary (they have eight MPs, most of whom were elected as Tories), Zia Yusuf, waded into the argument, saying that the Men in Black had been provoked into the action they had taken by Andy Burnham. Yes, Andy Burnham, the man who has been in charge of the country for a whole six weeks. But then Yusuf is a loathsome creature without a shred of human decency. He seemed unconcerned that the law had been broken, just as he was unconcerned about the fate of a young female protester at his party conference, where, in the middle of Farage’s speech, she was set upon by grey haired patriots, one of whom pulled her hair and another of whom hit her repeatedly over the head with his walking stick. Strangely, we heard nothing at all from Reform about the two-tier policing which apparently treats white people less favourably, although Tommo’s troops were not arrested, much less charged, with obstruction. And, to date anyway, no one has been arrested for assaulting that young woman, although their faces were clearly identifiable.

So yes to banning balaclavas at demonstrations. And no to the banning of the burqa and niqab. And no to letting thugs take over highways with impunity.

Readers, tonight it is Jewish New Year. WTF will be in synagogue over the weekend and is hoping for a peaceful and safe time there. God willing. Happy New Year to you all.

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We start our review of the week’s atrocious apparel with singer Olivia Rodrigo at the Grammy Museum in Los Angeles, wearing Undercover.

 

What a pity that Olivia herself was not deep, deep, undercover, and so we would not have had to look at her dress, which manages simultaneously to be twee and revolting, like a weird little girl playing grown up in Mummy’s black tights and a graphic baby doll.

 

Next, we are back at the Venice Film Festival, where we find model Irina Shayk wearing vintage Dolce & Gabbana.

WTF has long championed the maxim that if it looks shit on a supermodel, it probably is. And this does, being both peekaboo and creased, like something worn by a dominatrix after a heavy night where she has strained her neck and has had to don a sparkling neck brace. And while WTF is on a rant (when is she not?), what the hell is Irina even doing there? Why are models all over the Red Carpet at film festivals? Just. Go. Away.

 

There was also singer on the Venice Red Carpet, but that is because she is making her acting debut in a movie caled Primetime with Robert Pattinson. Here is Phoebe Bridgers, wearing McQueen.

Sigh. It is even worse from the back.

If Miss Haversham ever left Satis House and flashed her black undies in public, this is what she would have looked like.

 

We leave Venice and go to The Maine in London’s Mayfair for the Elle Style Awards attended by actor Ruth Wilson, wearing Erdem. Scroll down slowly…..

The dress is like a very crumpled nightie over a nursing bra, and WTF takes great exception to the use of Muppy the Muppet as both a handbag and shoes. What the fuck are those shoes? They are very ridiculous. Quite apart from anything else, walking along a London pavement in them would soon change Muppy to Manky.

 

Still in London, we are at the National Television Awards, easily one of WTF’s favourite nights of the year. We start with actor Bradley Riches from Emmerdale wearing a most unusual suit, the provenance of which is unknown.

The phrase “an embarassment of riches” was never more true. You know when your clothes get chomped by moths and your auntie suggests upcycling them by sewing some doilies onto them?  

 

Meet Jasmine Müller from the 13th series of Love Island  (kill me now) wearing (not that wearing is the appropriate phrase) ROHMANE.

That is not a skirt. Not even at all. That is a Minge Strap, similar to that worn by Ashanti in WTF’s avatar. Further, wearing  a curtain from a poncy parlour is not a top.

Rohmane’s website is quite the most pretentious load of bollocks WTF has come across in some time. Ready? You won’t be…

Founded by designer Rohit Mane, ROHMANE is more than a brand it’s a living altar of couture.

Rooted in myth, memory, and metamorphosis, every piece is handcrafted as ritual, every silhouette a spell.

With a vision that fuses the divine feminine, the untamed masculine, and the cosmic in-between, Rohit doesn’t just design he conjures.

From soft rebellion to otherworldly elegance, ROHMANE reshapes what fashion means.

You don’t wear ROHMANE. You become it.

Pass the sick bucket.

 

It gets worse. Here is the ubiquitous and talentless presenter Amanda Holden, wearing Valentino. VALENTINO!!!!! 

Is that tan actually real? She is the colour of stewed tea. As for the dress, the colour is giving appalled onlookers a mighty migraine, and she is channelling Monster Doll Draculaura.

 

The worst has come. And you are looking at it. This is Katie Price, after her umpteenth facelift and tit implant.

All together now……AAAAAAAAARGH. Katie is divorcing her fourth husband, soi-disant millionaire businessman, Lee Andrews, whom she met and married within a week – which is never a good idea, particularly when the heavily-tattooed, porcelain-toothed hunk turned out to be a wrong’un without a pot to piss in and a string of creditors wishing to meet him for a chat.  This might well explain Katie’s pained expression, like a Ptolemaic death mask, but the outfit passeth all understanding.

This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Andy of Islington, who makes no secret of his dislike for Nigel Farage, and really, really, hated the horrible turquoise suit he wore at the Reform Party Conference last weekend.

And the lining is even worse than the suit. It’s terrible. He’s terrible. They have both Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go, and do not stint on the comments either. Let us meet again on Friday 18 September. Be good x