Hallo Readers, 

There are few things to be said in favour of Boris Johnson and Priti Patel, but you have to hand it to them. Michelle Obama famously said of the Trump camp ‘when they go low, we go high’. In the case of this grizzly duo, when they go low, they go lower. And lower still. If they keep this up they will be in Australia in no time…

WTF was already reeling at the unexpected news that we are at war with Russia. Yes really. It seems that we cannot rid ourselves of the pimple on the arse of politics that is our present Prime Minister because of the war in Ukraine, or, as some ministers have taken to calling it, the European war. As far as WTF knows, no declaration of war has been made, no piece of paper has been waved and our troops have not yet been deployed to partake in man-to-man combat in the streets of Kharkiv. But apparently Ukraine’s survival depends upon the pudgy liar who is ‘leading the world’s response’ to Putin’s invasion. It seems that President Zelenskyy cannot do without him by his side, although the reality is that Zelenskyy would give Beelzebub a cuddle were he to come calling with some anti-tank missiles and a crate load of AK47s. The willingness of this Government to dance on the grave of Ukrainian citizens in order to shore up the Prime Minister is utterly sickening.

Meanwhile, in the most blatant dead cat bounce since Johnson’s trip to Kiev last week in order to distract us all from Partygate, he and Patel have come up with a wheeze to allay the concerned citizens of Kent and Essex and the backwoodsman who represent them in Parliament. Yesterday, they announced that single men arriving in the UK and claiming asylum would be put on a one way flight to Rwanda where their claims would be processed by Rwandans. If they are then adjudged to be genuinely seeking asylum, they can have it – in Rwanda. Never mind that Rwanda, contrary to the assurances of our Prime Minister, has an appalling human rights record and a President who received 99% of the votes at the last election. The Israelis tried shipping their asylum seekers to Rwanda and withdrew PDQ as nearly every one of them ran away. Like the God-awful Australian Government which assured its citizens that scooping up desperate boat people and shipping them to Papua New Guinea was really for their own good because it stopped the traffickers in their tracks, our own Government is trying to tell us that flying desperate people 4,000 miles away to Africa is for their own good because it will save them from the traffickers, even if they can only get here by using traffickers. Out of sight, out of mind. Heads we win, tails you lose. Have a nice flight. Don’t forget the Duty Free…..

Of course, this designation of single men will apply to brown people and Muslims – Syrians, Afghans, Iraqis, while Ukrainians – white and Christian – will be fine because they’re women and children and granddads. One does not know what is worse with our lot. The cynicism. The dishonesty. The hypocrisy. The incompetence. The inhumanity. But one thing we do know. This Government will go lower. And lower still….

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial sluice with superstar Beyoncé wearing Celia Kritharioti.

Sigh. At least her boobs look genuine, but we can see a great deal of them, and indeed of her, in this alleged ‘dress’ which gives the illusion that she has been partially spray-painted with particular concentration on the nipples and the minge area. As for the sunglasses, they are silly.

Next up, we have actor Anya Taylor-Joy at the premiere of Northman in London, wearing Dior.

Anya has the most fabulous face but this outfit seems to have been inspired by a vintage Barbie skater doll and is far too short. How on earth she sits down in it without giving everyone a view of her lady parts, WTF cannot say. Nor is she convinced that ice-pink is Anya’s colour…….

To the Kids’ Choice Awards 2022 where we encounter ubiquitous TV personality, Heidi Klum,wearing Christian Cowan.

Quite apart from the fact that WTF hates a one-armed garment on a two-armed person, this also seems to be a one-legged garment on a two-legged person, and if that is not enough to put WTF in a foul mood, she does not know what is. Heidi looks like a mutant aubergine.

To WTF’s extreme disappointment, the Country Music Awards Red Carpet was positively tasteful. Have these people no compassion for someone waiting to take the piss out of them? For shame! Luckily, Queer Eye presenter Tan France was there, wearing Grenier. 

You know the expression someone ‘looks good enough to eat’? Tan certainly does, but only because his suit is covered in Smarties.

Here is actor Julia Fox wearing not enough. As per bloody usual.

It has got to the point where WTF is more familiar with Julia’s torso and groin than her own. There is also the strong possibility, nay, probability, of an imminent Minge Moment given that Julia has removed the waistband from her jeans and used it as a bra, leaving very little infrastructure to ensure that the jeans stay up. Not to mention an imminent nip slip. It is all at risk of hanging out, Readers. The bag has more fabric than the rest of the outfit…..

We are at the premiere of Sonic the Hedgehog 2  where we find rapper Kid Cudi wearing some very remarkable items.

 WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE JEANS???? They seem to be made from frosted shredded wheat. And while we are on the subject, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE TRAINERS??????

Here is  actor Natasha Lyonne at the premiere of the latest  series of her show, Russian Doll, wearing Moschino.

Oh how we laughed! Jeremy Scott, Moschino’s designer, is making a pun about knockers!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha… not.

Now finally, back to London and the Olivier Awards. Singer and musical actor Beverley Knight was there, wearing Rami Kadi.

She is wearing a fishing net. And you can see her knickers. That is all.

And finally, actor Emma Corrin wearing Loewe.

Do not adjust your eyeballs. It is a dress with balloons so she has burst balloon tits!! Loewes’s Jonathan Anderson and Moschino’s Jeremy Scott should go out for a drink together and get this nonsense out of their system. And just to make sure we are not affronted enough, Emma has doubled down with the ugliest boots on the history of boots. If ever there was a reason to burst a balloon with a darning needle, this is the reason made flesh – and PVC…..

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF from Islington who is aghast at the conspicuous consumption of the $3m extravaganza that was the Nicola Peltz/Brooklyn Beckham wedding …..

 STOP PRESS! Nonentity One marries Nonentity Two. No one cares about either of them except their nearest and dearest and a load of celebs with their tits out guzzling champagne. Just. Go. Away. It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep those comments coming in – there were NONE again last week and WTF was very sad. Oh, and do not neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go.  Happy Easter. Happy Pesach. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x