So sorry about yesterday’s non-appearance. As Harold MacMillan used to say, ‘events, dear boy, events….’
The Royal Family has been awash with scandal this week, but as far as WTF is concerned, the real story is not what Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, aka the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, may or may not have said to in their TV interview with Oprah Winfrey, or whether the Duchess wore diamond earrings given to her by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. No Readers, that is as nothing compared to the real scandal here, which is that ITV have scheduled the broadcast of this major non-event for Monday night at 9 pm GMT, thereby depriving legions of fans of Episode 3 of the new series of Unforgotten, a cracking police drama starring the fabulous Nicola Walker investigating cold crimes. Which in this case is literally true, because the body found in the opening scene had been in an abandoned freezer since 1990. Viewers will be forced to wait a further 24 hours to find out how Nicola and her sidekick, played by Sanjeev Bhaskar, are planning to solve this one. Warning to the BBC – try something similar with the new series of Line of Duty and you will have a riot on your hands……
It is almost impossible to turn on the TV or open your paper, digitally or otherwise, without being assailed by bucketfuls of guff about the Sussexes and what they did or did not do to his granny, her father, his brother, her friends, and their staff. People who have never met them feel able to pontificate that he is henpecked, she is domineering, he is dimmer than a waning 15 watt lightbulb, she is a scheming minx, he has let everyone down, and she is no better than she ought to be. As to which, WTF takes the view who gives a stuff? He seems like a nice boy who was unhappy, traumatised by what happened to his mother, and looking for love. He was never going to be King, not once his brother had produced three children. Fortunately, he met a beautiful woman and he fell in love with her. Unfortunately, she was American, an actress AND mixed race and she was never going to be absorbed into the dreary, pompous, snobbish Victoriana that is our Royal Family. When told she had to wear pantyhose, even in 90 degree temperatures, and had to put up with endless racist crap from the tabloids, she got fed up and persuaded her adoring spouse to move across the Atlantic. Er, that’s it. They haven’t killed anyone. They haven’t committed any crimes. Yes they are trading on their titles. So what? Who wouldn’t? As WTF remarked at the time it went tits up, taking tea with Prince Andrew or cocktails with Brad Pitt? We know the answer.
And talking of Prince Andrew…. he does not perform any royal duties either, having been told to stay indoors until further notice, but unlike his nephew, he retains the title of His Royal Highness and the bells of Westminster Abbey rang out for his 60th birthday. If we are determined to be outraged, let us be outraged about the fact that this bloated, useless, lump continues to be mollycoddled by his mother, and that he is still not co-operating with the FBI investigations into the many crimes committed by Andrew’s old pals Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell. But yeah, let’s have a major investigation to see if Meghan was rude to her press secretary……
We are back to holding Award Ceremonies as a sort of return to sort-of-normality hovers on the horizon. And very welcome it is too. This week’s survey of the week’s sartorial sluice bucket finds us at the Golden Globe Awards, starting with actress Kristen Wiig wearing Prada.
Kristen is 48 years old and looks like a loo roll holder, a veritable Jeffrey Epstein wet dream. And while WTF is being critical, alien as it is to her nature, why are Kristen’s legs ten shades darker than the rest of her?
Next we have actress Kyra Sedgwick and her husband, actor Kevin Bacon.
Kevin looks like the neighbourhood bank manager, and perhaps as a consequence of the Pandemic, he has forgotten how to tie his tie. His wife looks great from the neck up, but not from the neck down, as she seems to be dressed as Tracy Emin’s famous exhibit ‘My Bed’, minus the used condoms.
Here is co-compere, Amy Poehler wearing Moschino.
Amy was clearly paying homage to Laurence Olivier as Richard 111.
We have a twofer. First, TV personality Zuri Hall wearing Zara Umrigare.
Those tits are both lopsided and improbable. And in the same vein, we also have actress and English rose Rosamund Pike, wearing Molly Goddard.
You get the picture. Both ladies are encased in acres and acres of crimson froth, as if someone had taken Elmo from Sesame Street and shoved him into the Magixmix. Twice.
And by the way, what in the name of God has Rosamund got on her feet? Was she on manoeuvres with the SAS?
This is not good. Not even at all. WTF speaks of actress Bryce Dallas Taylor wearing Temperley.
Oh dear. Oh very dear. Something very horrible has happened in the tits area, as if they have dropped irrevocably, and the ombré tinfoil dress puts the appalled onlooker in mind of a poor woman who has suffered an unfortunate public moment having been caught sans tampon…. and no, you are NOT getting a picture.
Here is actor Josh O’Connor, who won an award for his portrayal of Prince Charles in The Crown, appearing virtually and wearing Loewe.
The roses are lovely, but what could have possessed Josh to turn up as an extra from Hi di Hi?
Finally, this is a real stinker. This is actress and comic Maya Rudolph, (Saturday Night Live‘s Kamala Harris) wearing Valentino.
Maya is 49 but is dressed like a granny from Boca Raton heading down to the pool complete with Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil Factor 2 and verruca cream. What on earth is she wearing? It looks like a hairdresser’s gown. Did she dash straight to the Red Carpet from her hair appointment? Hideous sandals as well. Yurgle.
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Martyn from Scotland, who was horrified – and with reason- by last week’s CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) held for rabid Republicans in Orlando, an event which marked the unwelcome return of The Former Guy.
As WTF remarked two weeks ago, the GOP is suffering from advanced Stockholm Syndrome and still worships the Former Guy, despite the fact that during his four year tenure, he succeeded in losing the Presidency, the House and the Senate, abused them all on a regular basis, rendered the USA a laughing stock, and was a lying piece of shit. These deluded people are so enamoured of him that they erected this graven image of TFG in gold in the lobby. Remember when Moses came down from Mount Sinai and discovered the Israelites worshipping the golden calf? This is more of a golden pig. It’s very, very, definitely Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in as WTF just loves them like anything. And please don’t forget your splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. There have been some corkers this week. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good and stay safe. x
The Golden Pig made me embarrased to belong to the human species. But despite the worship, TFG has now told adoring Repubs to stop using his name for fundraising. They go through all TFG’s crap, and when he’s finally, supposedly, off the scene and they can profit off him free and clear, he pulls the plug. Bwahahaha.