In The Pink Panther, an infuriated Chief Inspector Dreyfus tells his bungling subordinate, Inspector Clouseau, that Clouseau had failed to prevent a major jewel heist because he had not spotted that a beggar had in fact been the lookout. Clouseau is aghast. ‘He was blind! How can a blind man be a lookout?’. To which Dreyfus explodes in reply ‘How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!’
WTF has a similar question. How can a legally blind man repair computers? And here is another question. Why would Hunter Biden, a rich man resident in California, fly 2,781 miles from his home in Los Angeles to Wilmington, Delaware with three water damaged MacBooks, take them to the aforesaid legally blind repairer (who is also a staunch Trump supporter and conspiracy theorist AND IS CALLED MAC), leave one of them with him, and then fly 2,718 miles home without it? And here is a third question. Why would he never collect it? His parents live in Wilmington. One of them could have popped in to collect it, or perhaps sent a minion for it. And here is a fourth question. What would the Trump-loving repair man then hack into the computer’s hard drive, make copies of emails, saucy photos, and other such, send one to the FBI and the other, just weeks before the US election, to Donald Trump’s lawyer, swivel-eyed lunatic Rudy Giuliani? And if you believe that all of those questions have reasonable answers, here is a fifth question. Are you completely insane?
Just as Hillary Clinton had everything thrown at her in 2016, including allegations of murder, running a paedophile gang out of the basement of a Washington pizzeria (which does not, it happens, have a basement) and other crimes various, Trump is accusing Biden of corruption and criminality, mostly through the medium of Hunter, a former crackhead, who, admittedly without any real qualifications in the oil industry, was appointed to the board of a Ukrainian oil company, Burisma, on $$$$$$$ a week – this while his father, Vice-President Joe Biden, was in office. To date, no one has proved Joe did anything wrong, even a ludicrous Senate Committee which concluded that, er, they had no evidence of corruption. But Trump is not one to let that bother him, especially as the polls show him sinking like the Titanic. So he and Guiliani and their little band of brothers continue to assert that the emails (which have not been verified as genuine, as Guiliani is withholding the hard drive) are proof positive that this is the biggest political scandal ever since the last biggest political scandal ever (alleged spying on the Trump campaign, which turned out not to be a scandal after all).
The play is clear. Trump does not want to talk about the 220,000 who have died in the Covid pandemic. Or about why he has not produced a healthcare plan, despite his frequent assurances over the past four years, that he has one – like Billy Bunter’s postal order, it is always just about to come, but it never seems to arrive. Or about his policies, were he to be re-elected. It is much easier to tell lies about Biden (who is apparently going to abolish God and religion, despite being a staunch Catholic) and to complain about fake news, and to hold rallies for the morons who gobble this stuff up before they succumb to the virus caught at one from Trump’s super-spreader, maskless, overcrowded, events and expire in an overcrowded ICU with Trump’s big, beautiful, ventilators going bleep, bleep, bleeeeeeeep…. As Obama observed on Wednesday, it is just so exhausting. Please, please, US voters. On or before 3 November, just make it stop.
We start our review of the week’s clothing cockups with Strictly Come Dancing judge Motsi Mabuse, wearing Alex Perry.
WTF is getting retina fatigue just looking at Motsi, who for some unfathomable reason, is dressed as the orange sweet in the Quality Street Christmas tin.
This is a rare sighting of Mme Bieber because she is not flaunting her bellybutton; instead, she is wearing a couple of ripe aubergines on her legs. The shoes are gorgeous, although rather large. As for her spouse, he has reverted to the ridiculous dropped crotch look, which creates the inalienable impression that he has done a massive whoopsie in his night nappy.
Meet celebritee and model Jordyn Woods, Kylie Jenner’s best friend, wearing something from her own collection for Pretty Little Thing.
Jordan bolted out of nowhere to be everywhere, including, allegedly, in the bed of her best friend’s sister’s babyfather. Whatever it is, it looks like a nightie. And it gives us far too much of an eyeful of Jordan’s arse-cheeks, which would be better kept under wraps.
Here is director John Waters at the Rome Film Festival, wearing a most remarkable suit.
Yurgle. This has been stitched together from a set of ancient tea towels, made more offensive by the matching Sketchers, specially selected for the bunioned foot of the late middle-aged. But most disturbing is that smudge of a pencil moustache, like a smear remaining after consuming a stick of liquorice.
Here is actress and shoe designer Sarah Jessica Parker outside her shoe emporium in New York, wearing a thing by Hanifa, and some of her own footwear. Oh, and black panties.
You can call it whatever you want, but this is a slanket, the sort of thing you buy online from Amazon for £39.99. Hanifa’s version costs £159 and unlike the voluminous slanket, it shows your panties when you walk.
Now we have British rapper Steflon Don, emerging from elegant Chinese eatery, Hakkasan in London.
Hakkasan is deeply delicious and horribly expensive, and patrons have the right to tuck into their Peking Duck with Heritage caviar (£320) without catching sight of Stef with everything hanging out and flopping about. If boxer Jack Johnson went out for posh nosh wearing a bra and a pink silk cagoule, this is what he would have looked like.
What is it with those Cyrus sisters and their obsession with Minge Moments, real or faux? And yes, I’ve used this before, but here it comes again. As Cheese observed in Tin Men, WTF’s favourite film, ‘there’s definitely some sort of sickness that runs in that family…..
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington. Of course she thinks that Donald Trump has got to go on 20 January 2021. But his makeup/makeup artiste has got to go well before that…
Trump used to be more orange than an orange, something he blamed on the effect of environmentally -correct LED light bulbs. But now he is burnt umber and is the colour of one of those bedpans you see hanging on the walls of country pubs. Nothing and nobody has a face that colour, and if you look closely, his crinkles and hair line are snowy white, which means that his isn’t that colour either.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments, which have been a bit sparse recently. You know WTF frets when that happens. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good, be careful, and keep washing your hands! x