Hallo Readers,

‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Oh, and the right to infect other people with COVID19’.

The Founding Fathers provided for irresponsible spreading of germs. And made sure that right was documented.In the UK we have no written constitution, but we do have the European Convention of Human Rights (to which we are still a signatory, despite the belief of certain Brexiteers). That guarantees us the rights to freedom of speech, expression and religious belief.  And that, it seems, gives boneheads the right to spread contagion in the name of liberty. And, it appears, the Almighty. In the US, there have been extraordinary scenes where Libertarians various (i.e. morons) have protested their unalienable right not to wear a mask on the grounds that ‘it kills people’ and that it interferes ‘with God’s wonderful breathing system’. Doctors might tell you that COVID19 is bad for God’s wonderful breathing system, in that it stops you breathing. But the anti-maskers are adamant. WTF is unaware of the passage in the Bible which forbids wearing a mask, but what does she know? She can’t find the bit about shooting kiddies at random either, but it seems that God is big on that one too.

Donald Trump, of course, does not like wearing a mask. He considers it unpresidential, unlike, for example, having a face the colour of a satsuma or retweeting pensioners shouting ‘White Power’ or accusing cable news network hosts of murder. He considers that it shows weakness, this from a #bunkerboy cowering in the White House basement and then tear-gassing peaceful protesters in order to clear the way for a stroll to a church he doesn’t worship at and holding a Bible he doesn’t read. And so his idiot supporters also scorn wearing one. They convene at his rallies and firework displays without one, only to go down like ninepins a few days later. ‘Dulce e decorum est pro Trumpium mori…..’

Over here, people are equally as dumb. Last week, hundreds of thousands of people crowded onto the Beach at Bournemouth, the Boca Raton of the South,  spreading out their towels and their sausage roll picnics inches from the next set of sun-worshippers. Public toilets were not open and so they peed and shat anywhere and everywhere like incontinent puppies. There was not a mask in sight, not even to use as loo paper. One chap, half-man, half-lobster, and clearly the Emeritus Professor of Epidemiology at Trump University (in liquidation), was interviewed on the telly. ‘Well’, quoth he, ‘I suppose there will be a second wave after this, innit? I mean, I dunno really, I don’t know no one what’s had it”.  Yup. Professor Brainstorm does not know any of those 517,000 people who have died of the virus across the world, so it isn’t really a thing, right? And this weekend, pubs and restaurants, hairdressers and cinemas will be opening for business and there is no law requiring anyone to wear a mask. What could possibly go wrong?

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In Luke 24 it is recounted how Jesus said unto whomsoever it was He said it unto, “Ye will surely say unto me this proverb, Physician, heal thyself: whatsoever we have heard done in Capernaum, do also here in thy country”. Following His guidance, WTF has an occasional series called ‘Physician, heal thyself’  featuring fashion designers looking like a sack of shit in their own stuff.  So let us consider them over the past eight years, starting in August 2012 with Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld in Cannes.

Karl was always creepy, bless him, but this is really creepy, like the love child of Nosferatu and the Swedish chef from The Muppets. And those trousers were so snug that the zip had gone for a walk and ended up several inches away from where it should have been.

In November 2012 Stella McCartney attended (and won a prize at) the British Fashion Awards.

Stella looked like a cross between one of the Seven Dwarves and a rhinestone scuba diver who has farted in her wetsuit.

In October 2013, Nadine Merabi was seen at a charity ball organised by Manchester United in this creation, as a result of which she was a the runaway winner of the 2013 WTF Summer Stinker award. Easy now…..  THIS IS BAD!!!

MAJOR MINGE MOMENT ALERT!!  Readers will be unsurprised to learn that Nadine’s clientele consists of soap stars, WAGS and celebritees various, all anxious to flash the flesh in bits of mesh with embroidery providing faux pubes over your newly waxed lady parts. The colour of the embroidery brings to mind Stormy Daniels’ memorable description of Donald Trump’s ‘yeti pubes’, and that seam is downright ugly.

Here we are in August 2014 at the Video Music Awards, where we encounter persistent offender Jeremy Scott, Creative Designer of Moschino. 

Well this was colourful. Mind you, so is vomit. If a rubber duck went to a fancy dress party as a ringmaster, this is what it would look like.

In November 2015 Alessandro Michele,  Creative Designer of Gucci, popped up at the British Fashion Awards in this ridiculous suit,

He wore a ribbon tie like John Wayne visiting a Western saloon, and the suit HAD MATCHING SHOES!!!!! The whole thing was a Laura Ashley wet dream.

In December 2015, we came across Ralph Lauren with his wife, photographer and author Ricky Lauren. 

Which one of them forgot to pack their trousers? Did they have a fight about which of them was going to wear the only available pair? Did Ralph give up the bottom half of his suit to his wife, like Sir Walter Raleigh laying down his cloak for Queen Elizabeth?

In December 2017, the British Fashion Awards welcomed young Brit designer Matty Dovan.

Matty thought it would be a really good idea to pitch up dressed as a rag-doll version of Madame Butterfly. Why he thought it, WTF cannot say. 

In February 2019, Tommy Hilfiger and his wife Dee Ocleppo (who is also a designer) turned up at the Grammys. 

It was Tommy who dressed his Worldwide Clothing Ambassador Lewis Hamilton in that very silly kilt causing WTF aficionado and patriotic Scot Martyn to spit out his porridge. This suit is even worse, as there is a lot more tartan. Tommy looks like a one-man version of the Tartan Army.

In December 2019 Donatella Versace came to the British Fashion Awards

The dress would have been lovely on someone with a 32AA cup  and the colour was gorgeous. But there was a distressing amount of spilth around the tit department, like raspberry soufflés tumbling out of their ramekins.

We conclude in February 2020 and Richard Malone at the BAFTAs held at the Royal Albert Hall in London.

You what? Really? Was he going bullfighting? Frankly, the combination of the elephant-vagina crotch, the too-short trousers and those frightful platform boots left one rooting for the bull.