This weeks the cops came to call on 17 year old Paris Brown, the Adele look-a-likey who was briefly Kent’s Youth Police and Crime Commissioner until it emerged that at some point before her appointment she had sent a series of highly offensive tweets including the charming sentiment that “I want to fucking cut everyone around me” and references to gays as “fags”. You get the picture. The girl is a moron. No charges will be brought but WTF suspects that the denizens of Kent were rather more concerned about the £15,000 from the Constabulary budget which would have been paid to some dopey teenager than whether her pathetic, pissed ranting on Twitter posed a risk to public order. Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Cumbrian police were busy arresting 2 civilian police workers and another person for “misfeasance in public office”, translated as their allegedly blowing the whistle on Cumbria’s newly elected Police Commissioner who had been swanning round the County in chauffeur driven limousines at a cost of £700 (since repaid). Call Me Dave says he will intervene in this one, and quite right too. If anyone was abusing public office, it wasn’t them but it seems that the Plods were there with the handcuffs before you could say you’re nicked, son. And it has now emerged that the investigation into Plebgate, the scandal that forced Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell to resign after Downing Street officers alleged that he had called them “fucking plebs”, only, er, he didn’t, has so far cost £144,000. WTF is bemused at this sum (have they hired a team of the world’s most expensive lip readers and put them up at the Dorchester for the duration?) but it seems that 30 officers have been interviewing 740 witnesses and a member of the public under caution and the CPS will decide shortly whether to prosecute anyone.
Now the point of all this is that policing seems to have turned into showboating. If your house is burgled or your granny is kicked senseless outside Tesco, you are lucky if you so much as see a policeman, let alone have one investigate. Usually, you just get a letter with a crime number and the offer of the services of Victim Support. We keep hearing about manpower shortages and police stations closing down but it seems there is £144,000 available for 30 officers in Plebgate and loads of time for persecuting alleged whistleblowers and if it gets into the papers so much the better. WTF is only surprised that a crack squad of armed officers has not been despatched to arrest Luis Suarez for biting Branislav Ivanovic’s arm during the Liverpool – Chelsea match last Sunday.
On New Year’s Eve 2012, WTF brought you an all-male special and it received a massive number of hits. Perhaps you all welcomed a break from masses of minge and heaving bosoms various. This week, apart from Gwyneth Paltrow’s revolting Antonio Berardi bum-baring dress (check it out on @WTF_EEK), it was the chaps who set the standard so here is another all male line-up for your delectation.
One of WTF’s favourite films is The Tin Men, a wonderful comedy set in 1950’s Baltimore and directed by Barry Levinson who made the equally brilliant Diner. Get onto Lovefilm now. It is about double glazing salesmen (I believe the US term is aluminium siding) who use every trick in the book to con citizens into buying their product. Eventually one of them (Danny de Vito) is summoned before a House Investigatory Committee and accused of deception. Danny affects bemusement. “Look, if you work in a clothing store, some guy tries on a suit, it looks like shit, but you tell him it looks wonderful. The guy’s standing there looking like a sack of shit, the salesman says ‘what a great suit’ and the man buys it. That’s deception as far as I can see”. WTF was reminded of that scene when looking at this week’s shockingly dressed collection. The cops should certainly be investigating these cases of gross deception. Read on and see what I mean.
First we have former Olympic swimming sensation Ryan Lochte wearing Ermenegildo Zegna.
Last year WTF got into all sorts of trouble with outraged readers when she suggested that no one looked good in maroon. Such was the degree of obloquy to which she was subjected that she might as well have proposed a Jimmy Savile is Innocent campaign. WTF will now brave further abuse by asserting publicly that one thing she cannot abide, amongst all the other things that she cannot abide, is a brown suit. Like this one…. But there is something worse than a brown suit and that is a brown suit that does not fit. Like this one… Whether he is too big for it or it is too small for him matters not but the button on that jacket is hanging on for dear life and the trousers look all wrong. Meanwhile Ryan has just been given his own reality TV show called “What would Ryan Lochte do….with his own TV show?” to which the answer appears that he would fuck it up because it is, by all accounts, a dud and shows him to be thicker than double dog shit.
Now we have former star of America’s Next Top Model and runway coach, J Alexander, aka Miss J.
WTF had previously thought that a runway coach was the vehicle that took passengers to and from aeroplanes, but no. A runway coach is someone who coaches models in sashaying down the runway. It appears that J is now coaching QANTAS cabin staff in sashaying down the aisle. Anyone who has flown QANTAS may well think that it is already like an airborne production of La Cage Aux Folles but there we are. By the way, this coach thing is getting out of hand. WTF read this week that Katy Perry has hired in a heartbreak coach to help her get over the end of her relationship with lothario John Meyer. J who looks great for 55, or indeed any age, has wrapped himself up in a bow like a giant birthday present complete with a mini-me bow on his collar. Truly he is the gift which keeps on giving….
This is stylist and fashionista Brad Goreski wearing Ferragamo.
Brad started out as Rachel Zoe’s protegé and then branched out on his own. WTF has various problems with this outfit, not least that he resembles a perambulating butter-pat and his jacket is positively billowing around his waist. Brad probably eats nothing more than a lettuce leaf and the Colgate residue on his toothbrush. As a result he has a lollipop head and a little butter-pat body. Frankly, this outfit is more cow-pat than butter-pat although there is no denying that it is very colourful.
Next to actor Matthew McConaughey wearing Vivienne Westwood. With him is his wife Camilla Alves wearing Dolce & Gabbana.
Name me 3 good films Matthew has been in….you can’t can you? Camilla looks good. Matthew looks ridiculous. The suit fabric is similar to the stuff used by pretentious florists to dress tables at charity dinners where you get a very unfunny comedian but feel you have to laugh because (a) it is for charity and (b) you paid £150 to hear him. WTF strongly objects to the chain fastening on the jacket and is also obliged to mention that Matthew appears to have put the contents of his sock drawer down his trousers. Oh and although he has lost a great deal of weight recently, he really needs to take a size up. Matthew would do well to remember this WTF mantra. There is bold. And then there is poncy.
For goodness sake. He looks like a total tosser, and I am not talking about the caber. The kilt is fine, but the sleeveless shirt and blue tie are clearly a homage to Fred Flintstone, or should that be Fred McFlintstone?
Worse, however, is that smug look on Alan’s face for which a series of slaps is the only response of all right thinking people.
Oh dear. Oh very dear… You knew this next one was coming, didn’t you? Here is former Dior designer, John Galliano.
They may be on the opposite sides of the political spectrum but sartorially there is a strong similarity between Dame Vivienne Westwood, who often looks as if she has picked her clothes out of a skip, and John who on the evidence of this picture HAS picked his clothes out of a skip. WTF is particularly fascinated by the hiker’s walking socks worn with sandals and the Viet-Cong camouflage skirt. The fact that this man used to be in charge of one of the most famous fashion houses in the world (he was sacked for anti-semitic outbursts) is truly frightening. If you saw him lying on a bench in the Bois de Boulogne, you would toss him a euro and the remains of your baguette.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. You are a strange bunch. For weeks there was a bumper crop of comments and last week there were hardly any….so share your opinions on this week’s selection and anything else that takes your fancy. We will meet again next week. Be good x