Gosh, there is such a cornucopia of horribleness awaiting you today. But before we get to that, we need to consider the question of standards in public life. As you know, Chris Huhne and his ex Vicki Pryce have been banged up in prison for perverting the court of justice. WTF only wishes to say that if you are going to dob in your ex-husband for naughtiness, make sure you were not party to the same naughtiness or the coppers might be interested in you as well as him. As WTF’s late father was wont to remark, why would someone voluntarily dip their head in a bucket of shit? But you have all read more than enough about Greek tragedies and how they should be made to share the same cell (yawn, yawn), so let us not bother ourselves further with all that nonsense. And we all have heard more enough from the ghastly old lags from the Houses of Parliament who have themselves done a spell in chokey for some sort of fiddleacious activity and who popped up on the day after the sentence to give a graphic account of life inside (they left out the bit where they look up your bum for drugs. WTF has seen it on TV so it must be true). Instead let us query why on the day after the sentence, David Laws MP appeared on the Today programme on Radio 4 representing the Government on education policy – the same David Laws MP who had to leave the Cabinet only weeks after the election in 2010 and was later suspended from the House for seven days after the Standards Commissioner ruled that over seven years he deceived the Commons authorities by submitting claims to pay a landlord with whom he was in a relationship and sharing a home. Now WTF is not in favour of a multimillionaire and his wife conspiring to pervert the course of justice. Equally, however, she is not in favour of a multimillionaire pretending to pay rent to his boyfriend when he wasn’t paying any and dipping into the public purse as a result. Or of former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith (you know, the one in charge of the police) claiming that her principal residence was her sister’s back bedroom, thus being able to reclaim all the expenses on her “second home” which happened to be the one where her husband and kids lived. Is it actually any wonder that no one has the smallest respect for politicians? You cannot see where the lines are drawn…..
Let us get back to the clothes horror show. We kick off with Z lister supreme, Danni Park-Dempsey off TOWIE, or, as WTF aficionado Rob J suggested, Danni-Park-Dempsey-off-TOWIE. Anyway here is Danni-whatever-her-name-is at a TOWIE St Patrick’s Day (yes, I know it hasn’t happened yet) party.
Look, I don’t need to say anything, do I? I mean when was it OK to go out in see-through curtains and flashing your thong? The answer? IT NEVER WAS.
Next, Blake Lively in Marios Schwab A/W 2013.
Blake is pretty and has terrific legs, but WTF finds herself quite mystified by the dress, which for reasons which elude her seems to have been inspired by Tinky Winky off The Teletubbies. Click on the link and sing along to what must be the weirdest theme tune in the history of theme tunes.
When the Teletubbies first hit the USA in 1999 the Rev. Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, took great exception to Tinky Winky, whom he outed in an article called “Parents Alert: Tinky Winky comes out of the closet”. According to Jerry “He is purple – the gay-pride colour; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle – the gay-pride symbol.” You couldn’t make it up…but I digress. You have to admit that there are strong similarities between Tinky Winky and the lovely Blake, from the white trimmings to the built-in television screen, although, on balance, Tinky Winky’s coiffeure is to be preferred whilst Blake shades it on the footwear. Just think – if Blake ever gets bored, she can stand in front of the mirror and watch herself in Gossip Girl. It saves having to carry an iPad around with her, which makes it the ultimate hands-free entertainment for the super-rich. Alternatively, she can bin the dress, get another one and get a lackey to carry the iPad instead. Eh-Oh! Or should that be Uh-Oh?
We have had Blake with her TV. Now we have Chloe Sevigny and her violin in vintage Chloé.
Blimey. Just because something is old (not that old actually, 80’s Lagerfeld) doesn’t mean it is good. I mean, a turd is still a turd when it’s been around a bit, just dryer. So it is with this absurdity, which has the added disadvantage of making it look as if Chloe is being strangled by her own dress. Chloé strangles Chloe. However, lest it be suggested that WTF is a grumpy old baggage who never says anything nice if she can help it, those sandals are absolutely lovely.
This perambulating horror show is singer and actress Meital Dohan.
Meital is clad in a pair of thermal long-johns, as worn by leaky old granddads, made out of that nasty textured wallpaper you put up when you know that otherwise your wall will fall down, over a bikini top (either that or it is a bra and someone has sprayed food on it). WTF detects the presence of Spanx Power Panties which are cutting into Meital’s groin and thighs like cheese wire. As for the Unholy Trinity of the stylist, the hairdresser and the makeup artist responsible for this shambles, it is time for them to consider taking up a new career.
And now a WTF favourite, rock star Steven Tyler. Steven is a proper star with his own unique look.
OK, so his look is modelled on the Child-Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with a touch of Fagin from Oliver Twist, but it is Steven’s look and he is sticking to it.
WTF is completely fascinated by the tails of Steven’s tailcoat because they are so gloriously tattered. The only reasonable explanations are that he caught them in the slicing machine when popping down to the deli for some prociutto or that his partner got busy with the scissors in a fit of rage.
It’s Ke$ha dressed as Queen of the May.
O.M.G. Spring has sprung all over Kesha. It is certainly true that floral prints are very S/S 2013 and the last time WTF poppped into Selfridges, it was like slow death by petals in a magic meadow, but this is taking things much too far, particularly those panties. As for the über-shiny tights, they are unspeakable, as if Kesha has been doing a doggy-paddle in a vat of olive oil.
This week it really does seem that everyone has gone stark staring mad. This may be one of the very worst dresses ever. I speak of designer Nadine Merabi in a dress of her own design worn to a ball for Manchester United players, orange soap stars and Z listers. Nadine is based in Manchester and judging by her website her principal clientele are the said soap stars off Corrie, Hollyoaks and Emmerdale who wear her made-to-order, tit-baring, minge-skimming, look-at-me creations. The Ready-to-Wear dresses on her website are actually not bad, but this has left bad far, far behind and has arrived, parked and checked in at the Hotel Slapper de Luxe.
Yeurrrrghhhh. This is an actual minge moment and WTF is in uproar. Why should we have to look at this woman’s minge? And whilst we are on the subject, why do we have to look at the horrible amateurish seam crawling down her somewhat chunky thigh like a giant travelling tapeworm? Readers may recall Erica Mena in a similarly revolting see-through-thing-with-bits-on-it, but Erica was wearing an overcoat in comparison. At some point, women will stop dressing like street walkers just to get themselves into the papers. Please, please make it soon.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Don’t forget to share your comments with the World, follow me on Twitter (@WTF_EEK) and please come back next Friday. Big kiss……